Stingy Wedding Presents & None at All

Quorum

Jerrica wrote: »

Every wedding will have people who make spiteful sarcastic comments to the bride to be about how many of their guests won't like it? Ok.

Am I a guest at El-Dangeroso's wedding?

Jerrica

No, but you made a snide snarky comment insinuating lots of her guests won't want to be there based on your opinions. Do you know all her guests?

Quorum

Jerrica wrote: »

No, but you made a snide snarky comment insinuating lots of her guests won't want to be there based on your opinions. Do you know all her guests?

Nope, but wherever I've been, whatever circles I've moved in, there is always a good percentage of people who don't like the things.

Jerrica

Well then like El_D said, there are a lot of two faced people around. If people don't like them, don't go. Going and bitching about going is helping no-one.

Quorum

Jerrica wrote: »

Well then like El_D said, there are a lot of two faced people around.

Guess so!

rainbowtrout

Jerrica wrote: »

Just a point on this. Given the forum and the fact that many brides and grooms to be are looking at it, this is a disappointing and quite upsetting thing to hear. I have no control over how many weddings people will have been to before mine, and I would be quite distressed to think that people will be there under duress. Perhaps I'm naive, but I'm hoping that the folks at my shindig will be there because they want to, they'll be glad to share my big day, my partner and I will be doing our best to make sure they'll have as much craic as we do and no-one will be obliged to give us anything.

If you take the approach that you feel that a lot of your guests won't want to be there why bother at all?

I think Jerrica what Quorum is saying (correct me if I'm wrong) is that's it's not so much about not wanting to celebrate the day with them and celebrate their new marriage, but weddings are all day events and some of them are long, boring and drawn out. Because they are so formal they have a set timetable. For most the church bit is over by 3, and the meal won't be until 6, so people have to occupy themselves for 3 hours, adults are well able to do this but it's quite a large gap in the day and i have heard plenty of people over the years come out of the church and head to the pub across the road for a drink and a sandwich and say things like 'it'll kill a bit of time before we go to the hotel'. It's having to kill time at an event is what makes it so drawn out.

There aren't any other major events where people have to kill time for a substantial part of the day.

username123

Jerrica wrote: »

Just a point on this. Given the forum and the fact that many brides and grooms to be are looking at it, this is a disappointing and quite upsetting thing to hear. I have no control over how many weddings people will have been to before mine, and I would be quite distressed to think that people will be there under duress. Perhaps I'm naive, but I'm hoping that the folks at my shindig will be there because they want to, they'll be glad to share my big day, my partner and I will be doing our best to make sure they'll have as much craic as we do and no-one will be obliged to give us anything.

If you take the approach that you feel that a lot of your guests won't want to be there why bother at all?

What? Everybody knows this! The only people excited about going to a wedding are the bride and groom, some younger people who may never have attended a wedding before and the very odd person who actually enjoys a generic long drawn out boring day of drinking and making pleasant conversations with strangers.

I personally hate weddings, they are all much the same, there is a definite hypocritical aspect to most of them, they are extremely long and tedious, the food usually upsets my stomach, I hate a long days drinking, Ive no interest in jumping around on a dance floor to generic wedding songs like 'i will walk 500 miles' and they cost a fortune to attend.

El_Dangeroso

Quorum wrote: »

Improve the situation? Why would I spend ANY time doing that? I'll focus on my own wedding when the day comes. It will be me and my fiancé and two strangers as witnesses, just as my folks did 35 years ago. This is what I want, and it will happen. I can't control what other people do for theirs.

But oh, when you have your wedding, everyone will definitely want to be there and not be bored at all. Definitely.

If you don't like the thought of spending thousands on an event not everyone will enjoy then... don't spend thousands, perhaps?

So you're just going to complain and spend money on something you don't want to do over and over and over again? Seriously? Are you stupid or just a masochist?

If people didn't go to weddings they didn't want to go to the days of the 300+ head weddings that need cash gifts to pay for them would be over. As it stands you are only contributing to the tradition. Thus you are acting in a hypocritical, two-faced fashion, and honestly only have yourself to blame.

You clearly don't like weddings, so please please do people a favour and don't go to them. By the sounds of it you won't be missed.

Some do actually enjoy weddings believe it or not, I do, even with the gap which isn't everyone's favourite part of the day (although I love it to catch up with people over a drink after the ceremony). You know why I enjoy them? I go to the ones that I know I will have a good time at, not to every last thing I'm invited to, because I have a modicum of backbone.

Quorum

El_Dangeroso wrote: »

So you're just going to complain and spend money on something you don't want to do over and over and over again? Seriously? Are you stupid or just a masochist?

Neither, thanks!

El_Dangeroso wrote: »

Some do actually enjoy weddings believe it or not, I do, even with the gap which isn't everyone's favourite part of the day .

I never said this wasn't the case. But many don't. They go because they care about the people getting married, not the accompanying palaver. That to me isn't two-faced.

El_Dangeroso wrote: »

I go to the ones that I know I will have a good time at, not to every last thing I'm invited to, because I have a modicum of backbone.

I've turned down invites, but not all because my absence would be hurtful the inviters. I know, how very spineless, going to the wedding of someone I care for, even though weddings are not my bag. I really must rectify that kink in my character.

El_Dangeroso

Quorum wrote: »

Neither, thanks!




I never said this wasn't the case. But many don't. They go because they care about the people getting married, not the accompanying palaver. That to me isn't two-faced.

Then why on earth do you go? You won't be that close to the couple for every wedding you attend. There's always the option of going to the ceremony and not the meal. I've done that for a few weddings and no one seemed to mind. You seem to overestimate the importance of your presence, I'm sure loads of people will be relieved they won't be getting an invite to yours. Why not extend them the same courtesy? They probably feel obligated to invite a bunch of people they don't really want to but for it being the 'done thing'. You see how it the beast feeds itself?

efb

Where's the OP gone?


Stocktaking her gifts perhaps???

Quorum

El_Dangeroso wrote: »

Then why on earth do you go? You won't be that close to the couple for every wedding you attend. There's always the option of going to the ceremony and not the meal. I've done that for a few weddings and no one seemed to mind. You seem to overestimate the importance of your presence, I'm sure loads of people will be relieved they won't be getting an invite to yours.

Close friends, family members. Yes, very self-important of me to KNOW these people well enough to know they want me there. I get the sense you are planning a wedding. If so, there is every chance there will be people there who hate the whole palaver.

As for all the comments about me not being missed, and people being glad I'm not having anyone at mine. People said I was snide for saying there might be people at your day who don't enjoy weddings, well, your comments are far more snide and personal IMO.

digzy

amdublin wrote: »

This thread makes me sad

yet you cant let it go...........

digzy

amdublin wrote: »

Did you invite them for their presence or their presents?

i think you're breaking the record for repeating the same thing over and over.:rolleyes:

Madam_X

To go to the wedding of a friend, workmates you get on well with etc when they've invited you in genuine good faith, and to give absolutely nothing, is incredibly bad form. Even if it's just something small like a €20 voucher - a goodwill gesture is only right. Yeh the bride and groom are the ones who choose to have a big event (I can't fathom the huge extravagant do's but sometimes expensive weddings are unavoidable if they have big families/a lot of friends) but if they invite you and you want to go, then a gift is only to wish them well.

However the OP said the wedding gifts are to recoup the wedding costs, hence not much sympathy from me - I do see where she's coming from re the friends giving absolutely nothing though, that's bad form. I really doubt anyone would be impressed if they held even a modest wedding, invited people they care about and didn't even get so much as a bottle of wine, just as a thought.

Red21

clint_silver wrote: »

The novelty of going to weddings wore off? If anyone ever wanted to read a pessimists view of Ireland, read this post.

Are you saying people shouldnt get married with a ceremony of their choosing or they shouldnt invite friends and family? they shouldnt dress up, feed the guests and put some entertainment on and capture the day?

What way do you think they should get married if the traditional method is so boring to you? How do you think the day should go?

Its you who's living the lie, if you don't want to be somewhere, don't be there.

Bit if a late night rant above so i'll try more to get to the point here.
I belive that a large amount of people attending irish wedding don't really wanna be there.
The reason is that weddings here are too large therefore your average person/couple/family get invited to too many of them, it's like having 5 christmasdays in a year it's way too much. I'm not saying that people should have small weddings, have whatever kinda wedding you like but know this when you look down from the top table, no matter how many Stars the hotel has or what effort you've gone to most of the people just don't wanna be there if you douth what i'm saying or think i'm saying it to be nasty, why not look into it for yourself.
People have to spent a lot of money when attending a wedding but it's the cash that goes in to the card is the thing that pains them most because this is what keeps the whole thing going.
I don't believe that when a couple are planning their wedding they set out on making moneyout of it but it's more that when making out the guest list they're fully aware that you can expect to get 100euro per person on the cards, so they then end up sending out 200+ invites. Do people really think so many would spend 25k on a single day if they tought they'd be paying it back for the next 15years.(edit:when I say this I'm aware that some couples would put on a big even if it meant getting nothing in return the probelm is that big days have become the norm)
A big wedding every now and again is grand, but as it stands it's not enjoyable.

clint_silver wrote: »

I play in band at weddings. easily played at 6-700 over the years. A lot are the same. maybe 4 out 5. same dresses, same chair covers, same food, same drunk guests, same clothes. what makes everytime is the people and how happy they are to be there for the b&g. Its the happiness factor. you can walk in to a room and gauge it. You remember those ones as they are quite simply brilliant. people laughing and dancing like they haven't in ages. If youre lucky enough to have been at one of those then youd know it. I had 4 weddings in the last week, 3 were the same and fall into the category that you talk about, still good nights just not memorable, however 1 was brilliant, was probably the least fancy in terms of venue and style and expense but was unbelievable in terms of atmosphere. I'll remember it for years.
For anyone who ever says they're all the same, they need to attend a wedding like that to change their mind.

When people have 10 or 12 units of alcohol on board and the guage reading full, thats no time to be asking if they wanted to be there. How about when they've got the 5th invite for the year in the post?
how about measuring the happiness factor when they're waiting around to sober up the next day so they can embark on the 100 mile journey home.

El_Dangeroso wrote: »

Do you really think that the Bride and Groom spend thousands of euro to put their guests through 'expense, hassle and tedium' as you so put it? I presume you make the couple aware of this fact? or do you just smile to their face while secretly resenting them? No, that's not two-faced at all.

You've made many points along these lines and they're fair points to make for someone who may be removed from the reality of the situation, maybe you don't get many invites or maybe you just love going to weddings who knows.I genuinely don't like going to them mainly because i've been to too many.
Every single wedding invite is a differant scenario i'll give a general case of what happens.
I have a workmate that i like and get on well with, he has being on about his upcoming wedding all year clearly he/they are going to a massive effort for the big day, i've turned him down for the stagg and I haven't gone to the engagement party so now I get the wedding invite, seeing as i'v been to so many wedding's i'd much prefer to spend that evening watching Graham Norton and drinking a few glasses of wine. Do I tell him the truth about really wanting to watching a Talk show and risk the end of our friendship or do I go half way across the country and spend a small fortune on something I don't even want. What would you do?

Jerrica wrote: »

Just a point on this. Given the forum and the fact that many brides and grooms to be are looking at it, this is a disappointing and quite upsetting thing to hear

It may be upsetting but it's a reality you have to consider.

I will also say if you want a big wedding doing so in your early twenties is better as there is a far greater chance people actually wanna be there.

digzy

op i'd say you're sorry you opened this can of worms! so much for 'attack the post not the poster':D
fair play to you, you've decided to avoid responding to the personal insults on your character.

I expected the 'haters' to have their knives out. expecting presents for your wedding:rolleyes: you should be in a mental hospital i suppose according to them. the quantity of the negative comments and vitriol against you are disgusting.

i cant believe there's so many of you who feel it's ok to show up at a wedding without a gift. you're either nieve or more likely plain ignorant. if you're caught short financially just dont go.you'd insult the b&g more by showing up emptyhanded than if you gave an excuse for not showing. I've never heard of a wedding without a meal. to show up, fill your belly-at the b&gs expense- and think you should not give a gift is the height of ignorance.

Madam_X

Ah not giving a gift on the day because you're absolutely broke is fair enough. You can give it to them another time.

rainbowtrout

digzy wrote: »

I expected the 'haters' to have their knives out. expecting presents for your wedding:rolleyes: you should be in a mental hospital i suppose according to them. the quantity of the negative comments and vitriol against you are disgusting.

i cant believe there's so many of you who feel it's ok to show up at a wedding without a gift. you're either nieve or more likely plain ignorant. if you're caught short financially just dont go.you'd insult the b&g more by showing up emptyhanded than if you gave an excuse for not showing. I've never heard of a wedding without a meal. to show up, fill your belly-at the b&gs expense- and think you should not give a gift is the height of ignorance.

The quantity of negative comments shows that not everyone is in agreement with the bride. Some people come on forums post their rant and expect that because they've started the thread that only posts that back them up will appear. It works two ways on a public forum and in this case the bride didn't get the answer she wanted and made it clear that she wanted gifts equal to the value of the gifts she gives when she said in one post that she would have liked a token gift but went on to rubbish the crystal glasses her friends got her as being mean and basically not good enough.

Anyone who posted here and said that the bride was wrong to expect gifts also mentioned that they would always give a gift but wouldn't look down on anyone who didn't. That's the basic gist of it, not that they never give gifts themselves.

And as for showing up and filling your belly at the bride and grooms expense, it's a party they are throwing and inviting people to. Of course it's at their expense. If not, they should sell tickets to the event. If you are going to invite people to a day long event you will have to provide food. If a bride and groom decided to get married and then tell people there was to be no big reception but they were having a party in the local pub that night, I'm sure people would be more than happy to attend and have a few drinks and a bit of fun with the couple without expecting a meal. It's the fact that practically all Irish weddings are the same means that a meal is provided.

Diddler1977

Madam_X wrote: »

To go to the wedding of a friend, workmates you get on well with etc when they've invited you in genuine good faith, and to give absolutely nothing, is incredibly bad form. Even if it's just something small like a €20 voucher - a goodwill gesture is only right. Yeh the bride and groom are the ones who choose to have a big event (I can't fathom the huge extravagant do's but sometimes expensive weddings are unavoidable if they have big families/a lot of friends) but if they invite you and you want to go, then a gift is only to wish them well.

.

A gift doesn't have to be money or a physical item, even a voucher.

El_Dangeroso

Quorum wrote: »

Close friends, family members. Yes, very self-important of me to KNOW these people well enough to know they want me there. I get the sense you are planning a wedding. If so, there is every chance there will be people there who hate the whole palaver.

As for all the comments about me not being missed, and people being glad I'm not having anyone at mine. People said I was snide for saying there might be people at your day who don't enjoy weddings, well, your comments are far more snide and personal IMO.

I am merely using your exact logic on your own day, if as you say, there are always those at weddings who have better things to be doing, then imagine the relief when they don't get invited to yours. I find it amusing that you believe my comments to be personal and snide when that is your exact argument to begin with, not so nice when you have it reflected back at you is it?

Do you honestly go to the weddings of people very close to you and not enjoy the day? I find that incredibly sad. How awful that you find the company of your nearest and dearest so boring and tedious.

A person who is not having fun at any event sticks out like a bad smell, to be honest I wouldn't even inflict that on someone I didn't like.

amdublin

digzy wrote: »

op i'd say you're sorry you opened this can of worms! so much for 'attack the post not the poster':D
fair play to you, you've decided to avoid responding to the personal insults on your character.

I expected the 'haters' to have their knives out. expecting presents for your wedding:rolleyes: you should be in a mental hospital i suppose according to them. the quantity of the negative comments and vitriol against you are disgusting.

i cant believe there's so many of you who feel it's ok to show up at a wedding without a gift. you're either nieve or more likely plain ignorant. if you're caught short financially just dont go.you'd insult the b&g more by showing up emptyhanded than if you gave an excuse for not showing. I've never heard of a wedding without a meal. to show up, fill your belly-at the b&gs expense- and think you should not give a gift is the height of ignorance.

I've made it quite clear that I would give a gift at a wedding. But equally I would never ever judge and deride some who didn't give me a gift (as you have above).

amdublin

digzy wrote: »

i think you're breaking the record for repeating the same thing over and over.:rolleyes:

I've apparently repeated the same thing over and over yet you haven't answered the question. Must need repeating so.

When you throw a party do you invite people so that they will be there to celebrate with you or do you invite people so that they give you a gift?

(simple question really)

Quorum

El_Dangeroso wrote: »

A person who is not having fun at any event sticks out like a bad smell, to be honest I wouldn't even inflict that on someone I didn't like.

Well, every wedding will have a good few of these so that's a lot of people standing out! Have fun picking them all out at the next wedding you attend.

I'm not even going to dignify your "returning your logic" paragraph with more than this one-sentence response except to say, yeah there would be a few people relieved and I'm fine with that, but your tone was more snide than that.

El_Dangeroso

Quorum wrote: »

Well, every wedding will have a good few of these so that's a lot of people standing out!

Maybe to the weddings you go to.

Diddler1977

rainbowtrout wrote: »

The quantity of negative comments shows that not everyone is in agreement with the bride. Some people come on forums post their rant and expect that because they've started the thread that only posts that back them up will appear. It works two ways on a public forum and in this case the bride didn't get the answer she wanted and made it clear that she wanted gifts equal to the value of the gifts she gives when she said in one post that she would have liked a token gift but went on to rubbish the crystal glasses her friends got her as being mean and basically not good enough.

Anyone who posted here and said that the bride was wrong to expect gifts also mentioned that they would always give a gift but wouldn't look down on anyone who didn't. That's the basic gist of it, not that they never give gifts themselves.

And as for showing up and filling your belly at the bride and grooms expense, it's a party they are throwing and inviting people to. Of course it's at their expense. If not, they should sell tickets to the event. If you are going to invite people to a day long event you will have to provide food. If a bride and groom decided to get married and then tell people there was to be no big reception but they were having a party in the local pub that night, I'm sure people would be more than happy to attend and have a few drinks and a bit of fun with the couple without expecting a meal. It's the fact that practically all Irish weddings are the same means that a meal is provided.

Well said!

sanna

Following this with interest, over last few yrs we have been invited to a good few and if we could afford the outfit, night in hotel, spending money for the day and of course give a present. If we couldnt do that then we made our apologies and declined( Until recently I had no job and H2B is on 3 day wk).

Now Im planning my own wedding I would be put out if I didnt get a card which I think is the least u could give. But Im not planning my wedding and thinking Ive spent XY &Z I should get something decent in return, but then again Im not spending crazy money on my day either, married in church and reception in GAA club hopefully and Im having a buffett, will be a small do with close family and friends, if I get a tenner in a card i will be happy same as getting what is clearly a recycled present, its the thought that counts!

Quorum

El_Dangeroso wrote: »

Maybe to the weddings you go to.

If it's a cookie-cutter Irish wedding, there will be people there like this. So, pretty much every wedding then.

El_Dangeroso

Quorum wrote: »

I'm not even going to dignify your "returning your logic" paragraph with more than this one-sentence response except to say, yeah there would be a few people relieved and I'm fine with that, but your tone was more snide than that.

Your tone wasn't? You know nothing about me, who is or isn't going to my wedding, but feel perfectly qualified to say they won't enjoy it? That's one of the bitchiest things I've read on this forum and I feel really sorry for you that you've become so bitter on the subject.

Diddler1977

El_Dangeroso wrote: »

Your tone wasn't? You know nothing about me, who is or isn't going to my wedding, but feel perfectly qualified to say they won't enjoy it? That's one of the bitchiest things I've read on this forum and I feel really sorry for you that you've become so bitter on the subject.

Ah c'mon do you seriously think that every single person who will be at your wedding really wants to be there?!

I would say most men that I know HATE weddings and are dragged under duress by their partners.