Stingy Wedding Presents & None at All

The_Honeybadger

amdublin wrote: »

But, but, but if the well heeled guests had done that then they would not be at your wedding??

Did you invite them for their presence or their presents?

WTF? If you can make sense of that and repost I'll try and respond

I invited people to celebrate the day and not for presents btw

Astala

MarieClaire78 wrote: »

I'd never give a clearly recycled wedding gift or pass on a gift to anyone. I'd make time and effort to choose one that suited the couple..I think thats the spirit of gift giving..I think its really tacky to pass on something unloved........ knowing someone you have made a big effort for in the past ( travelling for a wedding and giving a large gift), giving you a cheap recycled glasses set is disappointing.....can pretend I feel otherwise. You say petty, i say upsetting, hurtful, thoughtless, and in their case, a bit mean as they could well afford it.....

Wow! You seem seriously obsessed about these crystal glasses. I would be very grateful if I received them as a gift, and HOW THE HECK DO YOU KNOW THAT THEY WERE AN UNWANTED GIFT?!?! Did they have some left-over wine at the bottom of them? You're making assumptions which is a stark characteristic of your thinking that I have noticed in your posts. Maybe your 'FRIEND' forgot about the wedding gift-NEWSFLASH: the World does not revolve around you or your year-old wedding.

As others have said, you sound materialistic and superficial but moreover, anybody who spends as much as you on one day disgusts me.

Focus on your marriage now, forget about your hang-ups.

The_Honeybadger

Diddler1977 wrote: »

mickeyk wrote: »

Got married a few years back and had a similar experience, lots of friends and relatives gave us nothing which surprised me a bit. I planned for the day without cards however, and didn't keep a list of who gave us what or anything like that. I just treated any cash gifts we got as a bonus, and not a right. My wife had a family of relatives on her side show up, six of them, all adults with jobs and not one of them gave us a cent or even a token gift. Some people are just like that and things are very tight in many households nowadays so I don't think it's fair to expect a cash gift from all your guests. That said, I had plenty of fairly well heeled guests at my wedding who chose not to give us anything despite being well able to afford to do so, I'm not holding it against them in any way but it's not something I would do. If I couldn't afford to give a gift at a wedding I would probably make an excuse and not attend.

Well that is entirely your choice. But I think most people would prefer to see you at their wedding - with or without a present. They invited you because they wanted you there with them to celebrate their special day. They didn't invite you to get a present. Otherwise they would have sold tickets for the event ;-)

Listen the card giving thing has become ingrained in the wedding tradition in this country like it or not, I didn't invent it and personally don't agree with it much either. Fact is I have seen friends and family take great offence to people not giving them a card, talking behind their back etc etc. That is probably the most reason I said what I said. It's easy for you to sit behind your keyboard anonymously and judge others, I didn't expect a gift from everybody, never said I did so get off your moral high horse please.

Diddler1977

mickeyk wrote: »

Listen the card giving thing has become ingrained in the wedding tradition in this country like it or not, I didn't invent it and personally don't agree with it much either. Fact is I have seen friends and family take great offence to people not giving them a card, talking behind their back etc etc. That is probably the most reason I said what I said. It's easy for you to sit behind your keyboard anonymously and judge others, I didn't expect a gift from everybody, never said I did so get off your moral high horse please.

It's not my moral high horse. It's what I believe.

Personally I would always bring a gift or a card to any event I attend but I would never judge someone who didn't.

Diddler1977

mickeyk wrote: »

Listen the card giving thing has become ingrained in the wedding tradition in this country like it or not, I didn't invent it and personally don't agree with it much either. Fact is I have seen friends and family take great offence to people not giving them a card, talking behind their back etc etc. That is probably the most reason I said what I said. It's easy for you to sit behind your keyboard anonymously and judge others, I didn't expect a gift from everybody, never said I did so get off your moral high horse please.

Shame on them

The_Honeybadger

Diddler1977 wrote: »

mickeyk wrote: »

Listen the card giving thing has become ingrained in the wedding tradition in this country like it or not, I didn't invent it and personally don't agree with it much either. Fact is I have seen friends and family take great offence to people not giving them a card, talking behind their back etc etc. That is probably the most reason I said what I said. It's easy for you to sit behind your keyboard anonymously and judge others, I didn't expect a gift from everybody, never said I did so get off your moral high horse please.

It's not my moral high horse. It's what I believe.

Personally I would always bring a gift or a card to any event I attend but I would never judge someone who didn't.

Grand, it's just you posted a snooty response to my op. I wasn't judging anybody who didn't give a gift, and personally I think couples feel under pressure to hold a big expensive do in expectation of all the cards they will get and don't agree that's right. Sorry if my last post was ott!

ynul31f47k6b59

Here, OP, I was trying to not be mean to you but this thread has taken an awful nasty turn, just because you think you know the financial situation of supposed friends, this warrants an extra extra EXTRA big cash sum for you because YOU decided to get married, YOU decided to give them a big gift, YOU decided to invite them to share your day and YOU decided to spend a load of money on YOUR wedding?

Because that's what I've just read.

Ungrateful [insert whichever swear word that won't get me banned].

The_Honeybadger

Diddler1977 wrote: »

mickeyk wrote: »

Listen the card giving thing has become ingrained in the wedding tradition in this country like it or not, I didn't invent it and personally don't agree with it much either. Fact is I have seen friends and family take great offence to people not giving them a card, talking behind their back etc etc. That is probably the most reason I said what I said. It's easy for you to sit behind your keyboard anonymously and judge others, I didn't expect a gift from everybody, never said I did so get off your moral high horse please.

Shame on them

Indeed, but that's the expectation these days, people don't have the money anymore for this type of nonsense and personally I hope it changes. The whole wedding gift topic prompts alot of debate on radio shows etc and it is clearly something that people are concerned with, rightly or wrongly.

Diddler1977

MarieClaire78 wrote: »

I helped them with some investments this year. I know their financial position. Its not arrogance its a fact!

shanna83 wrote: »

Here, OP, I was trying to not be mean to you but this thread has taken an awful nasty turn, just because you think you know the financial situation of supposed friends, this warrants an extra extra EXTRA big cash sum for you because YOU decided to get married, YOU decided to give them a big gift, YOU decided to invite them to share your day and YOU decided to spend a load of money on YOUR wedding?

Because that's what I've just read.

Ungrateful [insert whichever swear word that won't get me banned].

Yes that is indeed what you read. Quite incredible isn't it that someone would actually admit to this on a public forum!

Shocking!

woodchuck

I haven't read the whole 7 pages... but my general stance on these matters is that of course it's good manners to give a card/gift, but it's terrible manners to EXPECT one! And it's awfully mean spirited to hold a grudge about it.

Someone might genuinely intent to give a belated wedding gift, but naturally these things can slip through the cracks. We all have our own lives/issues to deal with and remembering to get someone a gift isn't a top priority. Especially if you consider how many weddings/christenings/birthdays/leaving dos etc everyone has to attend in a year. Of course some of these get over looked and forgotten about. It may be that it's accidental. It may be due to struggling finances. But WHO CARES!?! Let it go OP...

ABajaninCork

Look - When we got married, most people gave us presents. Some didn't. Some were incredibly generous. Others less so. Some family members didn't even get us a present.

My view? Doesn't matter. As long as we had people we loved and cared about with us on our special day, then it was cool.

However. I would never go to an event or to someone's home without some kind of gift. That's not me!

amdublin

Woodchuck you're bloody right! Who cares!!!!!!!

There are so many really really important things really worth caring about (your health! Your spouses health! Your childrens happiness! Your happiness! A good and happy marriage!) yet people get caught up over whether someone gave them a present or not.

Care about the big important things folks! Let this small unimportant thing go!

loopymum

Kat1170 wrote: »

Shallower than a spoonful of water :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:

Excellent choice of words and so apt:D

Muckit

I just don't buy a lot of these reponses.

'Oh I would never go to a wedding without bringing a present, yet I am OK with others not giving me a present for my wedding.'

What a crock of sh*t.

What are your reasons for giving a gift? Do you not think other people should be or think the same?? Or do ye think ye are somehow above other people?...'Yes I see why I should have to give a gift... but it's OK for others not to give anything...bless 'em'

Miss Lockhart

As that sage Sheldon Cooper said:

"The foundation of gift giving is reciprocity. You haven't given me a gift. You've given me an obligation." "The essence of the custom is that I now have to go out and purchase for you a gift of commensurate value and representing the same perceived level of friendship as that represented by the gift you've given me."

This seems to sum up your views OP. You gave generous gifts so you expect generous gifts in return. It seems materialistic and shallow. It might be bad manners to show up without a gift, but it's worse manners to expect a gift - and to be so ungrateful about gifts you actually received is downright rude.

amdublin

Muckit wrote: »

What are your reasons for giving a gift? Do you not think other people should be or think the same?? Or do ye think ye are somehow above other people?...'Yes I see why I should have to give a gift... but it's OK for others not to give anything...bless 'em'

No I don't think I'm above anyone else I don't need or want for anything. If someone wants to give me a gift, fine I will accept it and thank them.

That there are people out there who also don't seem to need or want for anything but are still upset after a year (!!) that they didn't get a present makes me sad. But hey I guess it is what it is. Those people will never change.

I give a gift at weddings I attend. That doesn't make me any better or worse than someone who does not. I do it to express my happiness and best wishes for the b&g. But there are loads of other ways to express this and if people don't give me a gift, I don't mind - I'm just happy they were there.

As are others.

ABajaninCork wrote: »

My view? Doesn't matter. As long as we had people we loved and cared about with us on our special day, then it was cool.

amdublin wrote: »

But honestly, hands on heart, for my wedding I just want people to be there celebrating, being happy, enjoying the day. After that what more could you really want or need.

Diddler1977 wrote: »

So true - gifts come in many forms. I would always rather someone's presence over a present.

For me it is a gift to have my family and friends around me in good health and being able to share in happy celebrations such as weddings

I'm sorry you think this is a crock of ****

Red21

MarieClaire78 wrote: »

Hi All,
Views wanted please....

My hubbies and I got married last year, really pushed the boat out to make is a fab day for family and friends (6 courses, loads of champers, subsidised rates for the hotel). We wanted to make it a really celebratory day and it was. We had a fantastic time. Most of our family and guests were extremely generous in gifting but I am really annoyed by two female friends (one who I see/have coffee with every day at work) who have never given us a gift. Its just over a year since we married.

Shes not at all this way with all her friends and in fact spent part of this week telling me about a gift for her sisters birthday. I've been gritting teeth but it really is annoying me and genuinely getting to me. These two girls claim to be "close friends", there is no financial pressures in any of their lives yet they seems shameless re not having given us a gift. It was mentioned one in a "must bring it in" way months ago and has conveniently been forgotten.

I could never do this to someone and would be genuinely mortified- its just not how I'm brought up. We were always told not to have our hands hanging and our parents and family are very kind.

The colleague/friend one I don't see every day ( works in an office down the country)had come to me to ask a number of favours since the wedding which just feels cheeky.

And to top it off, another well to do friend had just dropped over a set of clearly "recycled form their own wedding" cheap crystal glasses. My hubbie and I gave them €300 for their wedding two years ago...... He let slip last week recently that they earn €160k between them and arent at all in financial pressure.....it just seems so mean ( their food /each cost €140 on the day and was lavish!)

I know money is not a barometer of friendship, but it really feels like it at the moment. My husband and I always err on the side of generosity with others but as my mother says "eaten bread is soon forgotten". This really has tainted my view of these 3 friends- and I can seem to reframe my friendship with them afterwards. I just dont feel they value us or our feelings, am I wrong to be so annoyed? Cant seem to get over this.

Just in case anyone is under any kind of illusion about irish weddings they should read this post/thread, the average irish wedding has turned into a monstrocity with the ugliest of people making most fo the noise. For most of us, weddings are very few until you reach the age of 23/24 but when they start coming its like they never end.For me the first 3/4 were grand but the novelty wore off pretty quick. How many weddings you have to attend generally depends more on your situation more than anything else.

After the first few i've never really genuinely wanted to be at a single wedding, no matter how close i was to the person, i'm not some kinda oddball to hold this view if you read the threads here or anywhere about weddings lots of those in attendance just dont wanna be there no matter how many courses you dish out.
People may say "well you don't have to go" but it ain't always that simple, I've made up excuses for many weddings and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. The thing is, if you're invited to a workmates or a very close friends wedding and don't go it can always a be a bit awkard afterwards, so I usually end up going and pretending to have a good time but really it pains me to spend so much money on such a load of sh#t. If you take into account the amount of bollocks thats talked between the priest and the speeches it's enough to make anyones head explode.
I reckon the whole thing is a complete sham, usually the Bride and groom are such non-practicing catholic's that they shouldn't even be considered catholic. Then the rest of the day is just one big competition.Who's wedding is the best whos is most unique, and none of them are unique.Its a wedding why the hell do you want it to be unique?
The answer is, this is the very competition that goes on at these things.
Whos paying for this big competition, all those lucky enough to get an invite.
It's like this, when im at a wedding I don't sit at the table complaining about expenses and what not, I smile and act like im having a ball. So when the Marieclaire comes round and says "hows it going" I say "wounderful great, i'm having a ball." But do you really think i had any choice in the matter? I mean what was I supposed to say, tell her the truth!
So im sure they are people who genuinely enjoy the day, you also gotta consider they're also those who don't. It really annoys me when people say about their own wedding, something daft like "everyone enjoyed the day" you don't really know that. From the time the invite came in the post their hands were tied when it came to: going to the wedding,putting money in the card and when asked if the enjoyed the day.
So you can push the boat all you want, push it all the way across the athlantic ocean if you like but there is one thing i'm sure of, you may have had a fantastic day at others expense, but many people at your wedding just didn't want to be there.
Also if the plan is to get everyone locked drunk by the end of the night thats still not a sign they wanted to be there because they coulda done that at home for about a tenner.

amdublin

Oh jeez Red that post made me laugh out loud.

I know it is late in the night but Jesus Christ you have hit the nail on the head so hard it has shattered right through that piece of wood right through to the centre of the earth.

Ha ha ha "you can push that boat across the Atlantic" ha ha ha ha!

Thank you! Thank you!

Galwayguy35

I got invited to 4 weddings this year.

I'm on a minimum wage but always give €100 as I would never go to a wedding without giving a present and even if I wasn't going would still give the same.

Out of those 4 weddings none of them even said thanks for the gift and IMO that is very bad manners, it might not be PC to say it but I think some couples see the presents they get as a way of paying for the wedding.

McCloskey_A

Getting married in two weeks,
We took the view that we are after saving for 2 years to give everyone, especially ourselves a day to remember, not a day to get presents,
A lot of our guests have to travel and stay overnight and we feel this is expense enough for them!
We do not expect presents, anything we do get is a bonus.
I find it completely crass when people expect presents or try balance out the cost of the day with money received

pwurple

It's been said a few times in this thread, but I'll repeat it again anyway.

While it is good manners to give a card or gift, but it is bad manners to expect them.

Where we found it a little awkward was the thank you cards. We made a list of any gifts, so that in our thank you notes we could thank them specifically for the gift. We weren't sure if some cards had gotten lost, or people didn't give cards. In those cases we thanked people for their attendance... We got a few phonecalls afterwards from people who were embarrassed to get thank you cards when they had meant to get a gift but not gotten around to it. We felt bad that they had been embarressed by the card.

Also, i was at a wedding this year where 10+ cars in the church carpark were broken into, and cards with money were stolen during the ceremony. They didn't tell the bride and groom, but I have heard this is happening more frequently these days.

Diddler1977

Muckit wrote: »

I just don't buy a lot of these reponses.

'Oh I would never go to a wedding without bringing a present, yet I am OK with others not giving me a present for my wedding.'

What a crock of sh*t.

What are your reasons for giving a gift? Do you not think other people should be or think the same?? Or do ye think ye are somehow above other people?...'Yes I see why I should have to give a gift... but it's OK for others not to give anything...bless 'em'

I don't think you are getting it.

For me if someone arrives to a wedding or an event I am holding without a "gift" (present or money, etc.) I don't see them as arriving empty handed.

I see them as bringing their company as the gift. The gift is having them there celebrating my happy day. The gift is the hug or kiss they give me when they greet me. The gift is the good wishes that they whisper to me as they hug me. For me it is a gift to have my friends and family in good health around me.

sh1tstirrer

Red21 wrote: »

Just in case anyone is under any kind of illusion about irish weddings they should read this post/thread, the average irish wedding has turned into a monstrocity with the ugliest of people making most fo the noise. For most of us, weddings are very few until you reach the age of 23/24 but when they start coming its like they never end.For me the first 3/4 were grand but the novelty wore off pretty quick. How many weddings you have to attend generally depends more on your situation more than anything else.

After the first few i've never really genuinely wanted to be at a single wedding, no matter how close i was to the person, i'm not some kinda oddball to hold this view if you read the threads here or anywhere about weddings lots of those in attendance just dont wanna be there no matter how many courses you dish out.
People may say "well you don't have to go" but it ain't always that simple, I've made up excuses for many weddings and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. The thing is, if you're invited to a workmates or a very close friends wedding and don't go it can always a be a bit awkard afterwards, so I usually end up going and pretending to have a good time but really it pains me to spend so much money on such a load of sh#t. If you take into account the amount of bollocks thats talked between the priest and the speeches it's enough to make anyones head explode.
I reckon the whole thing is a complete sham, usually the Bride and groom are such non-practicing catholic's that they shouldn't even be considered catholic. Then the rest of the day is just one big competition.Who's wedding is the best whos is most unique, and none of them are unique.Its a wedding why the hell do you want it to be unique?
The answer is, this is the very competition that goes on at these things.
Whos paying for this big competition, all those lucky enough to get an invite.
It's like this, when im at a wedding I don't sit at the table complaining about expenses and what not, I smile and act like im having a ball. So when the Marieclaire comes round and says "hows it going" I say "wounderful great, i'm having a ball." But do you really think i had any choice in the matter? I mean what was I supposed to say, tell her the truth!
So im sure they are people who genuinely enjoy the day, you also gotta consider they're also those who don't. It really annoys me when people say about their own wedding, something daft like "everyone enjoyed the day" you don't really know that. From the time the invite came in the post their hands were tied when it came to: going to the wedding,putting money in the card and when asked if the enjoyed the day.
So you can push the boat all you want, push it all the way across the athlantic ocean if you like but there is one thing i'm sure of, you may have had a fantastic day at others expense, but many people at your wedding just didn't want to be there.
Also if the plan is to get everyone locked drunk by the end of the night thats still not a sign they wanted to be there because they coulda done that at home for about a tenner.

So Red how much do you give for a wedding present?

Diddler1977

sh1tstirrer wrote: »

So Red how much do you give for a wedding present?

Why do you want to know this? What does it matter?

I'm sure he gives what he thinks is appropriate (and hopefully a year later he is not being slated by the bride for what he gave or didn't give)

sh1tstirrer

Diddler1977 wrote: »

Why do you want to know this? What does it matter?

I'm sure he gives what he thinks is appropriate (and hopefully a year later he is not being slated by the bride for what he gave or didn't give)

Read the thread title

Diddler1977

sh1tstirrer wrote: »

Read the thread title

Again you are not getting the point!

What is a "stingy" wedding present?

To me, guests bringing themselves and their good wishes for the bride and groom to a wedding is not a "stingy" present - it is a beautiful gift.

Obviously the OP in this thread sees otherwise but most people responding to this thread have not been in agreement with her.

I think the thread should be renamed "Greedy judgemental mercenary brides"

Sam Kade

MarieClaire78 wrote: »

Hi All,
Views wanted please....

My hubbies and I got married last year

Op are you a bigamist?

clint_silver

Just in case anyone is under any kind of illusion about irish weddings they should read this post/thread, the average irish wedding has turned into a monstrocity with the ugliest of people making most fo the noise. For most of us, weddings are very few until you reach the age of 23/24 but when they start coming its like they never end.For me the first 3/4 were grand but the novelty wore off pretty quick.

The novelty of going to weddings wore off? If anyone ever wanted to read a pessimists view of Ireland, read this post.

Are you saying people shouldnt get married with a ceremony of their choosing or they shouldnt invite friends and family? they shouldnt dress up, feed the guests and put some entertainment on and capture the day?

What way do you think they should get married if the traditional method is so boring to you? How do you think the day should go?

Its you who's living the lie, if you don't want to be somewhere, don't be there.

Quorum

clint_silver wrote: »

The novelty of going to weddings wore off? If anyone ever wanted to read a pessimists view of Ireland, read this post.

Are you saying people shouldnt get married with a ceremony of their choosing or they shouldnt invite friends and family? they shouldnt dress up, feed the guests and put some entertainment on and capture the day?

What way do you think they should get married if the traditional method is so boring to you? How do you think the day should go?

Its you who's living the lie, if you don't want to be somewhere, don't be there.

It's not that simple, and you know it. There are some weddings you simply can't NOT attend. We all have duties we have to fulfill. I agree with the poster you quoted. I was excited going to the first few weddings, then it got old.

rainbowtrout

clint_silver wrote: »

Just in case anyone is under any kind of illusion about irish weddings they should read this post/thread, the average irish wedding has turned into a monstrocity with the ugliest of people making most fo the noise. For most of us, weddings are very few until you reach the age of 23/24 but when they start coming its like they never end.For me the first 3/4 were grand but the novelty wore off pretty quick.

The novelty of going to weddings wore off? If anyone ever wanted to read a pessimists view of Ireland, read this post.

Are you saying people shouldnt get married with a ceremony of their choosing or they shouldnt invite friends and family? they shouldnt dress up, feed the guests and put some entertainment on and capture the day?

What way do you think they should get married if the traditional method is so boring to you? How do you think the day should go?

Its you who's living the lie, if you don't want to be somewhere, don't be there.

It's not about the wedding being boring or traditional. It's the fact that so many couples getting married think that the wedding they've been planning for over a year is the most important thing in other peoples lives when it isn't. They also think that their wedding is different from everyone else's and it's a wedding to remember when it isn't. The vast majority of Irish weddings follow the same timetable on the day. Church, hotel, drinks reception of some sort on arrival at hotel, meal at 6, speeches, band, dj.

There are tons of threads on here about people wanting to hire X or do Y to make their evening special and unique and entertain their guests etc. All very noble and yes you should feed and entertain your guests but no one remembers any of it. I have no idea what I had for dinner at any wedding I was at. I have no recollection of what the flowers looked like or if there were favours, or chair covers as practically all the weddings I've been to were so similar

So the novelty does indeed wear off because the bride and groom often think they are providing some sort of unique experience or that the pick and mix trolley or fireworks etc is something that will stand out and make their wedding unique they forget that this 'unique selling point' is one small fraction of the day and the other 99% of the day is the same as every other wedding and guests know exactly how the day will pan out from the minute they get up.

Also considering that people's tastes vary wildly when it comes to clothes, music, travel, interior design, hobbies and just about anything else you can think of why are Irish weddings so uniform in nature?