Irish Jokes

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.
He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by
grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on
his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the
landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants and looked
in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.
He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a
Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the
now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt
and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night, weren't you?"
Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass
at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house,
it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly

. . . it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror!"

An Irishman's Life Philosophy

"In life, there are only two things to worry about,
either you are well, or you are sick.
If you are well, there is nothing to worry about,
but if you are sick, you have two things to worry about;
either you will live, or you will die.
If you live, there is nothing to worry about,
if you die, you have two things to worry about;
either you will go to heaven or to hell.
If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about,
but if you go to hell,
you'll be so busy shaking hands with your friends,
you won't have time to worry!"

Paddy and his wife were discussing their sex life. Paddy said, "I want to try that wheelbarrow position tonight."
His wife asked, "What is that?"
Paddy told her, "You bend over, put your hands on the floor then I pick your legs up and take you from behind!"
His wife said, "Hmm, okay, I'll do it on two conditions. First, if it hurts you stop immediately,
and second... we don't go down past my mother's house!"

Paddy went a maternity class with his wife.
' Remember,the first five minutes of a human life are the most dangerous, ' said the nurse.
' The last five minutes can be pretty risky too, ' replied Paddy.

A waitress walks up to a table where Pat, Paddy and Mick are seated.
When she gets to the table, the waitress notices that the three of them are furiously masturbating.
She asks, "What the hell are you three perverts doing?"
Mick replies, "We all very hungry!"
She answers, "But why are you jerking off?"
Paddy answers, "Because the menu says, 'First Come, First Served!"

Paddy goes into a florist and asks for some flowers for his new girlfriend.

‘Certainly sir, I’m sure we can help. Tell me, what exactly is it you’re after?’

‘A SHAG’ says Paddy.

ART6 wrote: »

*Just redressing the balance in this thread a little:D*

:P:D


Paddy and Mick were both laid off,so they went to the unemployment office.When asked his occupation,Paddy answered,"Knicker Stitcher,
I sew da elastic onto ladies "knickers and thongs"
The clerk looked up Knicker stitcher on his computer and,finding it classified as unskilled labour,he gave him 80 pound a week unemployment pay
Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied,"Diesel Fitter"
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job,the clerk gave Mick 160Pound a week.
When Paddy found out he was furious.He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay
The clerk explained,"Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour".
"What Skill?"yelled Paddy."I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs,thenMick puts ,em over his head and says:
"YEP,DIESEL FITTER".

Paddy and Mick have had to close their sandwich business as it wasn't making any money. Paddy says to Mick, " Oi tink we should open a brothel Mick." Mick replied, " And why da feck do ya tink we could make our fortunes selling soup when we made feck all selling sandwiches?"

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and
her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No", shouts Paddy,
"this is her husband!"

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from
the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. There is a
row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey, and crystal. On the other wall is
a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in.

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to
confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more
inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."

Paddy was walking down the street,when he saw Mick carrying a sack. When they met up, he asked, "What have got in that there sack?" Mick replied, "Just some chickens." Paddy said, "If I guess how many chickens are in that there sack, can I have one?" Mick answered, "I'll give ye both of them if you get it right." So, Paddy thought, and he finally said, "Five?"

Paddy's wife asked him to go to the video store and get 'Scent of a Woman' the other day. She hit him over the head when he came back with a 'Fish Called Wanda'.

An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. He then pulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter.
As he's drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who has had a few too many drinks says, "Hey, what's that little green thing down there?"
The green man runs down the bar gives the Englishman a raspberry, SPLBLBLBLT! right in the face and runs back to the Irishman.
The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman, "Hey, what is that thing, anyway?"
The Irishman replies, "Have some respect. He's a leprechaun."
"Oh, all right." the Englishman says sullenly. They all go back to drinking beer.

An hour or so later, the Englishman is really plastered. "Boy, that leprechaun sure is an ugly little bastard!" he says.
The leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a raspberry again -- SPLBL BLBLBT!
This time the Englishman is really mad!
"Tell that leprechaun that if he does that again I'll cut his dick off! he shouts.
"You can't do that" says the Irishman. "Leprechauns don't have those."
How do they pee, then?" asks the bewildered Englishman.

"They don't," says the Irishman. "They go SPLBLBLBLBT’."