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Irish Jokes

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  • Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭Bootup


    Two salesmen are boasting at the bar.

    "I've been selling fridges to the Eskimos for over ten years!"

    "So what? I've been selling cuckoo clocks to the Irish for over ten years!"

    "What's so special about that?"

    "I sell five sacks of birdseed with every fu*king clock."


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭Bootup


    A fellow decided to decorate his bedroom. He wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper he would need,
    but he knew that the Irishman who lived next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.

    "Murphy," he asked, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"

    "Ten" said Murphy.

    So the fellow bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job. It looked wonderful, but he had 2 rolls of wallpaper left over.

    "Murphy," he said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 left over!"

    "Dat's funny," said Murphy. "So did I."


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭Bootup


    Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, 'You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner.'
    A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'You b*stard!'
    The judge continued, 'You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a spanner.'
    Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'You f*cking bast*rd!!!'
    The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said,'Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?'
    Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, 'For fifteen years I lived next door to that b*stard. And every time I asked to borrow a f*cking spanner, he said he didn't have one!'


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭Bootup


    Paddy charges into the benefits offìce ."I've been ringing 0800 1730 for 2 days now . Why the feck doesn't anybody answer !" . Girl replies . "Those are our opening times you daft C*nt !


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,632 ✭✭✭ART6


    There was a brothel at the top of a hill, with a large red light at the bottom of the hill..

    There were four men ....
    one was walking briskly up the hill;
    one was inside the brothel;
    one was walking slowly down the hill and
    the fourth man was sitting in his car at the bottom of the hill.

    What were the nationalities of the four men?

    * The man going up the hill: was rushin
    * The man in the brothel: him-a-layin
    * The man walking down the hill: was finish

    * The man in the car at the bottom was Irish, and he was waiting for the light to turn green!


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  • Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭Bootup


    Paddy finds a Sandwich with 2 Red wires stickin out of it.
    He phones the police & says 'Bejesus, i've found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb'
    The operator asks, 'Is it Tickin?' Paddy says, 'No,i tink it's Beef'


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭Bootup


    A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
    Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"
    The others agree that sounds like a good place.
    Then the American says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink." Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
    Then Paddy says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin , there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
    "Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"
    "No," replies Paddy, "but it happened to me sister three times!"


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,501 ✭✭✭Madam


    Does anyone seriously find these 'jokes' funny>


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,163 ✭✭✭ZENER


    . . . I don't get it . . .


  • Registered Users Posts: 96 ✭✭Agent Mug


    Being Irish is about driving a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then on your way home grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab to sit on a Swedish sofa and watch USA shows on a Japanese TV, and most of all being suspicious of anything Foreign.

    Oh and only in Ireland can you get a pizza to your home faster than an ambulance, only in Ireland do banks leave both doors open and chain pens to the counter.

    Also supermarkets make sick people walk to the back of the shop for prescriptions whilst healthy people get their fags at the front of shop.

    We might be Irish, but by fuсk we're funny.

    Happy new year to you all. :D


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  • Registered Users Posts: 6,039 ✭✭✭Hilly Bill


    Paddy is fitting a kitchen in a posh house when the woman asks him if he'd like something to drink. Paddy accepts and soon after the woman brings him a mug of coffee.

    "Excellent coffee, to be sure," says Paddy.

    "Thank you," says the woman. "My husband brought it back from Brazil."

    "That's great," says Paddy, "and it's still warm as well."


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,501 ✭✭✭Madam


    Hilly Bill wrote: »
    Paddy is fitting a kitchen in a posh house when the woman asks him if he'd like something to drink. Paddy accepts and soon after the woman brings him a mug of coffee.

    "Excellent coffee, to be sure," says Paddy.

    "Thank you," says the woman. "My husband brought it back from Brazil."

    "That's great," says Paddy, "and it's still warm as well."

    Was he being sarcastic do you think:rolleyes:


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭Bootup


    Paddy and Mick visit London for the very first time and they pass a shop with an ad in the window !!!FOR ONE WEEK ONLY SUITS £5, SHIRTS £2, TROUSERS £2.50!!!
    Paddy say's "For fooks sake Mick we could make a small fortune back home with these prices." So they go to the bank and empty their accounts, get their van and go back to the shop.
    Paddy goes to the clerk at the counter and says " Hello there fella,can we have 500 suits, 200 shirts and 200 pairs of trousers please"
    The clerk says " You guys are from Ireland right?"
    Mick says " no shi* Sherlock,did the accent give it away "
    The clerk says " Well yes,that and the fact that this is a drycleaners ".


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭Bootup


    Four American guys are in Ireland on holiday,go night para gliding.They attach small lights called chemlites to make their jumpsuits visible to the rest of the team.
    Late one night, lost after a practice jump, they knocked at the door of a small cottage.
    When a man answered, he was greeted by the sight of four men festooned in glowing chemlites.
    "Excuse me," one of them said, "Can you tell us where we are?"
    Paddy paused before answering,and then replied, "Earth."


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 786 ✭✭✭fangee


    Madam wrote: »
    Does anyone seriously find these 'jokes' funny>


    Not only are they not funny but I find them offensive.

    Yeah. Lets internationally perpetuate the myth that all Irish people are thick as pig ****.

    Hilarious.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,219 ✭✭✭Mossin


    fangee wrote: »
    Not only are they not funny but I find them offensive.

    Yeah. Lets internationally perpetuate the myth that all Irish people are thick as pig ****.

    Hilarious.

    Then when you read them replace the 'Irish' part with some country that you don't like and you'll find them hilarious :rolleyes:

    They are just jokes ffs


  • Registered Users Posts: 300 ✭✭Luca Brasi


    fangee wrote: »
    Not only are they not funny but I find them offensive.

    Yeah. Lets internationally perpetuate the myth that all Irish people are thick as pig ****.

    Hilarious.

    Kerry County Council want to allow elderly people from rural areas drive with only three or four pints on board. Now thats funny.


  • Registered Users Posts: 18,069 ✭✭✭✭fryup


    Luca Brasi wrote: »
    Kerry County Council want to allow elderly people from rural areas drive with only three or four pints on board. Now thats funny.

    yep, and we wonder why the world laughs at us


  • Registered Users Posts: 96 ✭✭Agent Mug


    A Texan driving round Ireland in a big Mercedes car sees a old farmer sitting on a old tractor, so he pull up and goes over to the old farmer and says "howdy sir do you mind me asking you how many acres you have" the old farmer thinks and says "well be jasus I don't really know, it be about, maybe 14" and the Texan tell him "well sir back home in Texas I have a ranch that is further than the eye can see, and some times I get into my car and it take me three whole days to drive from one end of my ranch to the other" to which the old farmer reply "I use to have a car like that, but I got rid of it"


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,501 ✭✭✭Madam


    Mossin wrote: »
    Then when you read them replace the 'Irish' part with some country that you don't like and you'll find them hilarious :rolleyes:

    They are just jokes ffs

    So thats why Bootup tells these offensive 'jokes' - he doesn't like the Irish, is that what your saying?

    If so wtf is he doing on an Irish website?


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  • Registered Users Posts: 20,929 ✭✭✭✭Ash.J.Williams


    fangee wrote: »
    Not only are they not funny but I find them offensive.

    Yeah. Lets internationally perpetuate the myth that all Irish people are thick as pig ****.

    Hilarious.
    As a nation, we are doing a great job of that anyway.


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭Bootup


    Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat, and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."
    "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
    As they sit, they hear a pushcart vendor yelling, "Hot dogs, get your dogs here," and they both walk towards the hot dog cart.
    "Two dogs, please!" says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over.
    Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.
    The mother superior is first to open hers.
    She begins to blush, and then after staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and in a soft brogue whispers, "What part did you get?"


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,012 ✭✭✭Plazaman


    Madam wrote: »
    Does anyone seriously find these 'jokes' funny>
    Madam wrote: »
    Was he being sarcastic do you think:rolleyes:
    Madam wrote: »
    So thats why Bootup tells these offensive 'jokes' - he doesn't like the Irish, is that what your saying? If so wtf is he doing on an Irish website?

    Well if you don't think they're funny and you're not posting any jokes, why not just stay out of this thread, there are plenty more threads on the site.

    *********************************************************
    Mick and Paddy were having a competition as to who could throw a stone the highest. Paddy went first and threw the stone up in the air. Mick timed it with the stopwatch and 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 seconds later it hit the ground. It was Micks turn and Paddy took the stopwatch. Mick threw his stone up in the air. 5 seconds passed, 10 seconds, a minute, 10 minutes passed and there was no sign of the stone coming back down. I win shouts Mick jubilantly and runs off. :pac:

    *********************************************************
    A very posh English Lady was flying from London to Dublin on Aer Lingus. She had bought her Chihuahua with her and paid for a seat for it. The Captain made the announcement that the were nearing the time to begin their descent into Dublin and the lady went to strap the dog in but he was missing. She frantically searched the plane until eventually the stewardess told her she had to take her seat. As the plane was coming into land she looked out the window of the plane and to her amazement what was there sitting on the wing of the plane beside the engine??? Mick's stone.

    *********************************************************


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 2,986 ✭✭✭philstar


    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

    :confused: is that a joke or a riddle??

    i've read it 10 times and i still don't get it, plz someone explain


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,501 ✭✭✭Madam


    What be black and blue and found floating in the Irish sea?
    A gob****e who tells an Irish Joke.


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭Bootup


    A painter by the name of Paddy Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar,
    was a gifted portrait artist.
    Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all
    over Ireland were coming to him in the town of Doolin, County Clare,
    to get him to paint their likenesses.
    One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a
    stretch limo and asked Paddy if he would paint her in the nude.
    This being the first time anyone had made such a request, Paddy was a
    bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no
    object; in fact, she was willing to pay up to £10,000.
    Not wanting to get into any marital strife, Paddy asked her to wait
    while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.
    In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer
    portrait, missus," he said "The wife says it's okay.
    "I'll paint ya in the nude alright, but I have to at least leave me
    socks on so I have a place to wipe me brushes."


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,039 ✭✭✭Hilly Bill


    philstar wrote: »
    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

    :confused: is that a joke or a riddle??

    i've read it 10 times and i still don't get it, plz someone explain

    The 2 jokes are connected but is better when said in person. In joke one, mick threw his stone up and it didnt come down so he won.
    In the second joke, the woman lost her dog and we are led to believe that the dog was on the wing of the plane but in fact it was the stone that didnt come down in joke number 1.

    The jokes are still racist though. Swap the word Irish for Paki and the thread would have been closed ages ago.


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,087 ✭✭✭Duiske


    Madam wrote: »
    What be black and blue and found floating in the Irish sea?
    A gob****e who tells an Irish Joke.

    An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Irishman were in a pub talking about their children.

    'My son was born on St George's Day, 'remarked the Englishman, 'So we obviously decided to call him George.'

    'That's a real coincidence', observed the Frenchman', My daughter was born on Valentine's Day, so we decided to call her Valentine.'

    'That's really incredible', drawled the Irishman, 'Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake.'


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,501 ✭✭✭Madam


    Duiske wrote: »
    An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Irishman were in a pub talking about their children.

    'My son was born on St George's Day, 'remarked the Englishman, 'So we obviously decided to call him George.'

    'That's a real coincidence', observed the Frenchman', My daughter was born on Valentine's Day, so we decided to call her Valentine.'

    'That's really incredible', drawled the Irishman, 'Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake.'

    Ah the old ones are the worst:rolleyes:

    Surly the French guy didn't call his daughter Valentine byw?


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  • Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭Bootup


    One fine day in Ireland, a bloke is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees off and unfortunately, it slices into the woods on the side of the fairway.
    He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with a huge lump on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer. Then proceeds to revive the poor little guy.
    Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun, and I will grant you three wishes."
    The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away.
    Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks to himself, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money (so he'll never have to go without a pint of ale), a great golf game, and a great sex life."
    A few weeks later the Irishman is out golfing again. As he's walking to the 16th green, he hears a voice calling him from the woods. He walks over, and sees the leprechaun again. He asks how his head is feeling.
    The leprechaun says, "Oh, I'm fine. And might I ask how your golf game is?"
    The golfer says, "It's funny you should ask, but it's been amazing. It seems I can't miss anymore!"
    "I did that for you," responds the leprechaun, "And might I ask how your money is holding out?"
    "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a twenty euro note" he replied.
    The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you, too. And might I ask how your love life is?"
    Now the golfer looks around, as if to be sure that no one else can hear and says in a low voice, "Well, it's been okay."
    "Just okay?" the leprechaun asks. "How often do you have sex?"
    "Oh, maybe once or twice a week."
    Floored, the leprechaun stammers, "Only once or twice a week?"
    The golfer replies, "Well, that's really not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."


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