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Irish Jokes

Bootup

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in
the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend
Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Mrs. Murphy was looking for the grave of her late husband (a notorious
criminal) as it had been a while since she was there. She went to the
cemetery's management office and said, "I am looking for my husband's
grave."
"OK, madam," said the director. "What was his name?"
"John Murphy," she answered.
He looked through his large book for quite a time and finally said,
"Sorry, there are no John Murphys in our cemetery, but there is one Mary
Murphy."
The woman brightened up and said, "Of course, that's it! Everything was
in my name."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
An Irish priest was driving down to New York and got stopped for
speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smelled alcohol on the
priest's breath and then saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the
car. He said, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," said the priest.
The trooper said, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looked at the bottle and said, "Good Lord! He's done it
again!"

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Bootup

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.
He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by
grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on
his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the
landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants and looked
in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.
He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a
Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the
now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt
and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night, weren't you?"
Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass
at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house,
it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly

. . . it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror!"

Bootup

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought £300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a freezer to keep it in."

The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent £17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"

The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both fell out of the stupid tree and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it," he chuckles. "Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oy watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a penis!"

Bootup

An Irishman's Life Philosophy

"In life, there are only two things to worry about,
either you are well, or you are sick.
If you are well, there is nothing to worry about,
but if you are sick, you have two things to worry about;
either you will live, or you will die.
If you live, there is nothing to worry about,
if you die, you have two things to worry about;
either you will go to heaven or to hell.
If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about,
but if you go to hell,
you'll be so busy shaking hands with your friends,
you won't have time to worry!"

Bootup

A recently ordained Irish priest was delivering his first sermon to his new parish.

"As I drove into your town last week, I witnessed three abominations:
First, I saw a man in a field committing an unnatural act with a sheep.
I drove on farther and saw another man committing the same vile act with another sheep.
And then, at the edge of town, I saw a man committing an abomination with himself."

A voice spoke up from the back of the congregation: "Aye, that'll be old Paddy Fitzpatrick. He never could catch a sheep!"

thedodger

The collector of subscriptions for the Macra na Feirme Hall Building Fund came to the door of a farmer's wife who, when asked for a subscription for the Macra na Feirme Hall Building Fund, placed her hand to her ear and asked, 'Wha?' The collector repeated that he had come to collect a subscription for the Macra na Feirme Hall Building Fund and again the lady placed her hand to her ear and asked, 'Wha?' The lady's apparent deafness browbeat the collector and he was somewhat distressed as he left without getting a subscription. As he passed out the farmer's wife shouted after him, 'Don't forget to close the gate.' The collector did as he was asked but mumbled, 'Ah hump you and your bloomin' gate,' to which the farmer's wife replied: 'And hump you and your bloomin' Macra na Feirme Hall Building Fund.'

Bootup

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

Bootup

Paddy and his wife were discussing their sex life. Paddy said, "I want to try that wheelbarrow position tonight."
His wife asked, "What is that?"
Paddy told her, "You bend over, put your hands on the floor then I pick your legs up and take you from behind!"
His wife said, "Hmm, okay, I'll do it on two conditions. First, if it hurts you stop immediately,
and second... we don't go down past my mother's house!"

Bootup

Paddy and Bernadette got married and she was at the drugstore looking at the men's toiletries. A clerk comes up to help her and asks if she needs assistance.

"I'm looking for some deodorant for my new husband Paddy, but I don't know what type he uses."

The clerk says, "Is it the ball type?"

"No," says Bernadette, it's for under his arms."

Attie

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how much of there youth they remembered.

Englishman say's I remembered being baptized the priest throwing the water over my head thought the brute was going to drown me says he.

Scotsman say's I can remember being born coming into this room with lots of light and this guy with white suit on and he bate my arse till I cried.

Irishman say's I can remember going to a dance with me da and coming home with me ma.
Attie

Bootup

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day,then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day ...... And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.'

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs!
'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The Irishman nodded ... 'I'll tell you though, be jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 'tird day.'
'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

'No, from the f**kin' skippin'

Bootup

Paddy went a maternity class with his wife.
' Remember,the first five minutes of a human life are the most dangerous, ' said the nurse.
' The last five minutes can be pretty risky too, ' replied Paddy.

Bootup

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ..... and nearly drowned!
Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother. 'Grandma,' he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like me father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked deeply into Paddy's troubled brown eyes and said: "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya stewped idiot!"

Bootup

A waitress walks up to a table where Pat, Paddy and Mick are seated.
When she gets to the table, the waitress notices that the three of them are furiously masturbating.
She asks, "What the hell are you three perverts doing?"
Mick replies, "We all very hungry!"
She answers, "But why are you jerking off?"
Paddy answers, "Because the menu says, 'First Come, First Served!"

Bootup

Paddy was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.
The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time,
Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

Bootup

Paddy goes into a florist and asks for some flowers for his new girlfriend.

‘Certainly sir, I’m sure we can help. Tell me, what exactly is it you’re after?’

‘A SHAG’ says Paddy.

ART6

Paddy, having got lost in the Borneo jungle, had been captured by head hunters. They took him to their village, where the tribe chief told him he would be sacrificed and his brain would be put in a jar for sale to cannibal tribes.

He was shown a group of jars, each labelled with their contents and their price in bird of paradise feathers. There were jars marked "American" for sale at five feathers. Germans for four feathers, Irish for two feathers, and English for fifty feathers.

"Oh now," said Paddy, affronted. "Why are Irish brains so cheap and English ones so expensive?"

"Oh, Irish brains are plentiful, but English brains are very rare!"

Or:

Why are Irish jokes so simple?
So the British can understand them!

*Just redressing the balance in this thread a little:D*

Bootup

ART6 wrote: »

*Just redressing the balance in this thread a little:D*

:P:D

Paddy and Mick were both laid off,so they went to the unemployment office.When asked his occupation,Paddy answered,"Knicker Stitcher,
I sew da elastic onto ladies "knickers and thongs"
The clerk looked up Knicker stitcher on his computer and,finding it classified as unskilled labour,he gave him 80 pound a week unemployment pay
Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied,"Diesel Fitter"
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job,the clerk gave Mick 160Pound a week.
When Paddy found out he was furious.He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay
The clerk explained,"Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour".
"What Skill?"yelled Paddy."I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs,thenMick puts ,em over his head and says:
"YEP,DIESEL FITTER".

Bootup

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find
the shampoo?" Paddy says, "yes but it's for dry hair and I've
just wet mine."

Bootup

Paddy and Mick have had to close their sandwich business as it wasn't making any money. Paddy says to Mick, " Oi tink we should open a brothel Mick." Mick replied, " And why da feck do ya tink we could make our fortunes selling soup when we made feck all selling sandwiches?"

purehoor

fryup wrote: »

I see its english fellas that are posting jokes about the irish :mad:

Q. How do you know when you have a jet plane full of English people?
A. When they turn off the engine you can still hear the whining

An english man visits his GP and says, “Every time I go on holiday, my wife gets pregnant. Went to France and she got pregnant. Went to Ireland and she got pregnant a second time. Went to Spain and she got pregnant a third time.”
The doctor is a bit surprised and says, “Have you thought of using some protection to avoid this?”

The man replies, “No, but I’ve been thinking that maybe next time I should take her with me.”

Bootup

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and
her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No", shouts Paddy,
"this is her husband!"

Bootup

Stew died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Mick and Paddy.
The three men had always done everything together.

Mick arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Mick said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Mick said, 'Nope, ain't Stew.'

The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Paddy in to confirm the identity of the body.
Paddy looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Paddy said, 'No, it ain't Stew.'

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Paddy said, 'Well, Stew had two arseholes.'
'What? He had two arseholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

There's Stew with them two arseholes.'

Bootup

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from
the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. There is a
row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey, and crystal. On the other wall is
a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in.

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to
confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more
inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."

Bootup

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"....

Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th

Bootup

Paddy was walking down the street,when he saw Mick carrying a sack. When they met up, he asked, "What have got in that there sack?" Mick replied, "Just some chickens." Paddy said, "If I guess how many chickens are in that there sack, can I have one?" Mick answered, "I'll give ye both of them if you get it right." So, Paddy thought, and he finally said, "Five?"

Bootup

Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "What the hell you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".

Bootup

Paddy's wife asked him to go to the video store and get 'Scent of a Woman' the other day. She hit him over the head when he came back with a 'Fish Called Wanda'.

Bootup

Paddy phones EasyJet to book a flight.
"Certainly, sir," replies the assistant. "And how many will be flying with you, Mr O'Toole?"
Paddy replies, "How the **** should I know? It's your plane."

Bootup

An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. He then pulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter.
As he's drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who has had a few too many drinks says, "Hey, what's that little green thing down there?"
The green man runs down the bar gives the Englishman a raspberry, SPLBLBLBLT! right in the face and runs back to the Irishman.
The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman, "Hey, what is that thing, anyway?"
The Irishman replies, "Have some respect. He's a leprechaun."
"Oh, all right." the Englishman says sullenly. They all go back to drinking beer.

An hour or so later, the Englishman is really plastered. "Boy, that leprechaun sure is an ugly little bastard!" he says.
The leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a raspberry again -- SPLBL BLBLBT!
This time the Englishman is really mad!
"Tell that leprechaun that if he does that again I'll cut his dick off! he shouts.
"You can't do that" says the Irishman. "Leprechauns don't have those."
How do they pee, then?" asks the bewildered Englishman.

"They don't," says the Irishman. "They go SPLBLBLBLBT’."

Bootup