The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

RobMc59 · 07-10-2020 10:35am

I used to cough to hide a fart
Now I fart to hide a cough...

BENDYBINN · 07-10-2020 10:42am

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

We were so poor growing up that for breakfast we had ordinary K

We only had A.......

Edgware · 10-10-2020 10:42pm

BENDYBINN wrote: »

We only had A.......

We were so poor I had to share my bed with my three brothers. I could swim before I could walk.

Capt'n Midnight · 10-10-2020 10:55pm

In Iran everyone’s scared of spiders, but In Iraq no phobia.

byrner88 · 12-10-2020 12:47am

The last time I played football on a plane and I ran up the wing

1990sman · 12-10-2020 12:59am

the lantern laughed... as the fish had no bicycle!

:D:D:D:D:D

coolhull · 12-10-2020 10:42am

Peter showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Peter, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass. What made you come?"
Peter said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat.
I know that O'Brien had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday.
I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal his hat."
The priest said, "Well, Peter, I notice that you didn't steal O'Brien's hat. What changed your mind?"
Peter replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal O'Brien's hat after all."
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Peter a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"
Peter slowly shook his head.
"No, Father, after you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' --
I remembered where I left me hat!

coolhull · 12-10-2020 4:23pm

No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since by Jewish law a wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi. The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion, “Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasise and should bring on an orgasm.” They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi. “Okay," he says to the husband, "Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.” Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire the same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!”

Capt'n Midnight · 12-10-2020 7:20pm

Not only is my new thesaurus terrible.....................it's also terrible.

Bob Harris · 12-10-2020 7:23pm

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Not only is my new thesaurus terrible.....................it's also terrible.

Sounds like the one Donald Trump uses.

Capt'n Midnight · 14-10-2020 6:02pm

Britain's Coronavirus track-and-trace system really Excels.

milltown · 14-10-2020 6:56pm

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Not only is my new thesaurus terrible.....................it's also terrible.

I got a new thesaurus a while ago.
It was nothing to write house about.

Capt'n Midnight · 14-10-2020 7:53pm

Under capitalism, man exploits man.

Under communism, it's just the opposite.

castletownman · 14-10-2020 8:02pm

The inventor of sexual innuendos died last week.

His wife has been taking it very hard.

Capt'n Midnight · 15-10-2020 8:33pm

Remember when you bury a body cover it with endangered plants, so it will be illegal for anyone to dig it up.

15-10-2020 8:40pm

Isn’t it great, we’re now at level 3.14159 so you can’t even visit the neighbours for some pie!

joeguevara · 16-10-2020 9:28am

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Not only is my new thesaurus terrible.....................it's also terrible.

Its nothing to write house about!

upupup · 16-10-2020 9:40am

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Remember when you bury a body cover it with endangered plants, so it will be illegal for anyone to dig it up.

My neighbour has a large garden of endangered plants.Its over grown and looking like a jungle out there,I was going to complain but he's going through a tough time....His wife left him:(,she just disappeared one night never to be seen again and the same thing happened to his previous wife.....unlucky in love but at least the garden keeps him happy.

M.T. Cranium · 16-10-2020 9:58pm

Hello and welcome to G-Con, the Gullible Consumers Support Group. My name is Greg. I know you will get a lot of benefits out of attending our seminars. I can especially recommend these special anti-impulse tablets which we have available for sale for only 35 euros a bottle. Also you can get a copy of my book, "How to Resist Persuasive Offers," for only 79 euros. And if you rub these products with your right hand, you will also gain vast powers of sexual potency and insights into the very fabric of life. ...

iamstop · 16-10-2020 10:02pm

M.T. Cranium wrote: »

Hello and welcome to G-Con, the Gullible Consumers Support Group.

They took the word gullible out of the dictionary. If you don't believe me, look it up.

Capt'n Midnight · 16-10-2020 11:28pm

I found an amazing book yesterday, it was so great that I stayed up until 3am...

Colouring it in.

tayto lover · 16-10-2020 11:34pm

A cripple went on a visit to Lourdes. He was wheeled into the sacred water in his wheelchair. When they took him out there was no change to his condition but his wheelchair had four new tyres.

Capt'n Midnight · 17-10-2020 8:37pm

I was taking the piss out of a bloke with a ridiculous wig on today. He had the last laugh though. Sentenced me to 6 months.

Capt'n Midnight · 17-10-2020 8:40pm

A lot of people think that crop circles are caused by aliens spacecraft, but I think they are done by cereal killers.

M.T. Cranium · 19-10-2020 3:14am

My shrink is treating me for memory suppression. It isn't working.

I don't remember where I put the bill.

el_gaucho · 20-10-2020 6:28pm

tayto lover wrote: »

A cripple went on a visit to Lourdes. He was wheeled into the sacred water in his wheelchair. When they took him out there was no change to his condition but his wheelchair had four new tyres.

Wheelchair users are so lazy. The council spend a fortune putting in ramps for them but I’ve never seen any of them doing any tricks.

jimgoose · 20-10-2020 6:54pm

el_gaucho wrote: »

Wheelchair users are so lazy. The council spend a fortune putting in ramps for them but I’ve never seen any of them doing any tricks.

There's no power in the bloody things, they wouldn't jump a bale of briquettes.

20-10-2020 7:25pm

Shoplifter steals a box of soap, washing up liquid, washing power and a mop,

Police said that he made a clean getaway!

22-10-2020 9:59pm

Billy was standing in the kitchen and his mother saw a thread popping out from his trousers, She walked over behind him and gave it a tug. The thread was attached to a tampon!
After the shock and surprise wore off, she asked Billy, “Why would you be wearing a tampon?”
Billy said he was in the shop and saw on the box that if you wore one, that you could go motocross and horseback riding, wind surfing, and other things that he wanted to do.

simongurnick · 23-10-2020 12:25am

A double entendre walked up to the bar and asked the barman for a drink, so he gave her one.

joeguevara · 24-10-2020 9:16am

simongurnick wrote: »

A double entendre walked up to the bar and asked the barman for a drink, so he gave her one.

Hopefully it was hard liquor.

Capt'n Midnight · 24-10-2020 11:03am

What did the pirate get in the Leaving Cert ?

Seven Cs.

Capt'n Midnight · 24-10-2020 11:03am

How did Ebenezer Scrooge score ?

The ghost of Christmas passed.

Capt'n Midnight · 24-10-2020 5:04pm

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris breathes air … up to five times a day.

In the Beginning there was nothing … then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.

When God said, “Let there be light!” Chuck said, “Say Please.”

If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.

The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. You know what happened to them.

Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light

Chuck Norris appeared in the ‘Street Fighter II’ video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Chuck Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”

Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his pee as a canned beverage. It’s now called Red Bull.

Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.
Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.

Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name into concrete.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.

Chuck Norris can speak Braille.

Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Chuck Norris stands faster than anyone can run.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris’ leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in three moves.

Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

The dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano.

Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror, the mirror shatters. Because not even glass is dumb enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.

Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.

Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.

There has never been a hurricane named Chuck because it would have destroyed everything.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.

In Pamplona the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.

Chuck Norris can get in a bucket and lift it up with himself in it.

Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72… and they’re all lethal.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.

When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren’t before his first space expedition.

Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.

Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it
was told.

We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many

tsunamis.

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.

Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.

Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.

Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.

Chuck Norris doesn’t need to shave. His beard is scared to grow.

Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.

In an average living room there are a thousand objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.

Chuck Norris’s belly button is actually a power outlet.

Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is the only man who can fight himself and win.

Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.

Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.

The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.

Bob Harris · 24-10-2020 5:12pm

^^^^^

I think you left one out.

bonzodog2 · 24-10-2020 5:13pm

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

.....

Chuck Norris gargles with Chlorine trifluoride

Ted_YNWA · 24-10-2020 5:15pm

Chuck Norris is the only one allowed to spam Boards like that & not get banned.

New Home · 24-10-2020 5:16pm

I know doxxing is bad, but I'm beginning to think that Capt'n Midnight might be Chuck Norris.

Capt'n Midnight · 24-10-2020 5:23pm

* I am not Chuck Norris

* Chuck is an actor.

* If he were really that good he'd teleport behind me and slap my face into the keybasdf 9asdf asdfl;sadjk'' eo;sdfgjso

New Home · 24-10-2020 5:50pm

How do we know you haven't done that to yourself, Chuck?

Capt'n Midnight · 24-10-2020 7:39pm

New Home wrote: »

How do we know you haven't done that to yourself, Chuck?

Hmmm yes there's only one person could teleport behind Chuck and do that.

And only the true messiah would deny his divinity so what sort of chance does that give me?

el_gaucho · 25-10-2020 8:05pm

Chuck Norris got Corona virus. The virus is still in quarantine.

Superman got Chuck Norris pyjamas for Christmas.

byrner88 · 25-10-2020 10:42pm

I was sitting in traffic earlier

When suddenly I got run over by a car

sligojoek · 26-10-2020 12:32am

byrner88 wrote: »

I was sitting in traffic earlier

When suddenly I got run over by a car

Let me guess. Chuck Norris was driving it

IrishZeus · 26-10-2020 10:10am

sligojoek wrote: »

Let me guess. Chuck Norris was driving it

Don’t be silly. Chuck Norris doesn’t drive.

His destinations come to him.

Oscar1978 · 26-10-2020 9:36pm

Yo momma so fat that when she fell down the stairs everyone thought Eastenders was over.

Yo momma so fat that the horse on her Ralph Lauren top is a real horse.

Capt'n Midnight · 26-10-2020 9:58pm

Yo mamma so fat she uses a boomerang to put on her belt.

COVID · 26-10-2020 10:07pm

Yo mama so fat, she's got type 2 Diabetes, Dyslipidemia, Osteoarthritis and has severe difficulty breathing.

That'll be €60, please.

Oscar1978 · 26-10-2020 11:23pm

Yo momma so fat that when she died she broke the stair way to heaven.

COVID · 27-10-2020 12:19am

Yo momma so fat that when she moves her ass she has to make two trips.

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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