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Urgent help for an alcoholic

  • 02-01-2021 4:15pm
    #1
    katiek102010
    Registered Users Posts: 1,106 ✭✭✭


    My ex just texted me.

    He has finally admitted he has issues and wants help.

    With the season that's in it and GP etc closed, I don't know where to point him to today.

    Even AA is closed.

    Any ideas please


«1

Comments

  • #2
    chiefwiggum
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,597 ✭✭✭chiefwiggum


    CRIS might be worth a shot..I found them very good with a few clients I had before


  • #3
    chiefwiggum
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,597 ✭✭✭chiefwiggum


    "Community Recovery & Integration Supports Project | MQI |" https://mqi.ie/help/cris-project/


  • #4
    TherapyBoy
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 4,377 Mod ✭✭✭✭TherapyBoy


    There are some links here that might be useful.

    Moderator: Non Drinkers Group & Grand Theft Auto



  • #5
    katiek102010
    Registered Users Posts: 1,106 ✭✭✭katiek102010


    Thanks


  • #6
    katiek102010
    Registered Users Posts: 1,106 ✭✭✭katiek102010


    chiefwiggum wrote: »
    "Community Recovery & Integration Supports Project | MQI |" https://mqi.ie/help/cris-project/

    Hi thanks we are in the muster area and they are Dublin based


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  • #7
    petes
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,382 ✭✭✭petes


    There are online AA meetings:

    https://aaom.ie/meetings-list


  • #8
    katiek102010
    Registered Users Posts: 1,106 ✭✭✭katiek102010


    petes wrote: »
    There are online AA meetings:

    https://aaom.ie/meetings-list

    He's not good with Internet / online stuff. He actually doesn't even have Internet where he lives.

    It would have to be face to face or over the phone


  • #9
    tomwaits48
    Registered Users Posts: 861 ✭✭✭tomwaits48


    katiek102010 wrote: »
    He's not good with Internet / online stuff. He actually doesn't even have Internet where he lives.

    It would have to be face to face or over the phone

    You can call into those meetings with a phone, email the organisers and they will send you the details.


  • #10
    Thelonious Monk
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,478 ✭✭✭✭Thelonious Monk


    It's not your problem any more


  • #11
    katiek102010
    Registered Users Posts: 1,106 ✭✭✭katiek102010


    tomwaits48 wrote: »
    You can call into those meetings with a phone, email the organisers and they will send you the details.

    Thanks


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  • #12
    katiek102010
    Registered Users Posts: 1,106 ✭✭✭katiek102010


    Thelonious Monk wrote: »
    It's not your problem any more

    Yes but he is still my child's father and to be honest I do still love him, well a version of him that comes out occasionally.

    It doesn't matter that he is my ex husband.

    If a stranger knocked on my door and asked the same question, I would try and find the information for them


  • #13
    Thelonious Monk
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,478 ✭✭✭✭Thelonious Monk


    katiek102010 wrote: »
    Yes but he is still my child's father and to be honest I do still love him, well a version of him that comes out occasionally.

    It doesn't matter that he is my ex husband.

    If a stranger knocked on my door and asked the same question, I would try and find the information for them

    Oh fair enough, I was just thinking it was some bloke you used to go out with trying to emotionally blackmail you or something.


  • #14
    katiek102010
    Registered Users Posts: 1,106 ✭✭✭katiek102010


    Thelonious Monk wrote: »
    Oh fair enough, I was just thinking it was some bloke you used to go out with trying to emotionally blackmail you or something.

    No husband, we were together 15 years. I kicked him out in November


  • #15
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 14,385 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Katie, just be very careful. He has finally admitted he has a problem. But as an adult man it is his responsibility to seek out the help. This isn't something urgent that needs to be solved today. And not something that you need to sort out either. It is Saturday evening. His GP will be open Monday morning. That should be his first stop. If he feels depressed or even suicidal now, although there's nothing to say he does, then you should get him to contact someone from this list .

    Do not take on the responsibility of his recovery. He doesn't need "urgent" help. If he does he should present to his nearest A&E. Seeing his GP on Monday morning will be the first step. The GP will then point him in the direction of counselling, or even an inpatient stay. But unless he is an immediate threat to himself he will still have to wait for an online meeting, or a face to face appointment with a counsellor. He needs help, no doubt. But it does not sound like he needs urgent help.


  • #16
    katiek102010
    Registered Users Posts: 1,106 ✭✭✭katiek102010


    Big Bag of Chips wrote: »
    Katie, just be very careful. He has finally admitted he has a problem. But as an adult man it is his responsibility to seek out the help. This isn't something urgent that needs to be solved today. And not something that you need to sort out either. It is Saturday evening. His GP will be open Monday morning. That should be his first stop. If he feels depressed or even suicidal now, although there's nothing to say he does, then you should get him to contact someone from this list .

    Do not take on the responsibility of his recovery. He doesn't need "urgent" help. If he does he should present to his nearest A&E. Seeing his GP on Monday morning will be the first step. The GP will then point him in the direction of counselling, or even an inpatient stay. But unless he is an immediate threat to himself he will still have to wait for an online meeting, or a face to face appointment with a counsellor. He needs help, no doubt. But it does not sound like he needs urgent help.

    There was a recent situation whereby he was at risk. I found out only this weekend that he was talked down. This is not something I was aware off.

    Our GP isn't the best so I was looking to see if I could get some information to give to him as with the GP being so bad it's usually more helpful if you know what your looking for when you go in


  • #17
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 14,385 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    If the GP is very bad, is it possible for him to see a different GP. This should be pretty straightforward for the GP. Your husband goes in, admits he is an alcoholic and asks the GP for a referral to the local psychiatric addiction services and the contact details for a number of counsellors in the area.

    Who is he living with at the moment? Is it family? If he had a recent episode that you were unaware of, then it was managed without you.

    I do think you should encourage him to seek the help he needs, up to and including presenting to A&E tonight if he thinks it is necessary. But he careful of being sucked in and being manipulated and made responsible for his recovery. If you get him the details or a counsellor, and it ends up he doesn't hit it off with that counsellor, whose fault will it be if doesn't work out? It's going to be a tough road to recovery and sobriety for him. That's why he has to be the one in the driving seat when it comes to getting help. Because it will be all too easy to blame others (you) when he fails when things get too difficult.

    I linked you to the merry go round called denial on your last thread. You got off the merry go round and broke that cycle. You made a change and that in itself has caused change in him. Be very very careful of being dragged back on to that merry go round.


  • #18
    katiek102010
    Registered Users Posts: 1,106 ✭✭✭katiek102010


    Big Bag of Chips wrote: »
    If the GP is very bad, is it possible for him to see a different GP. This should be pretty straightforward for the GP. Your husband goes in, admits he is an alcoholic and asks the GP for a referral to the local psychiatric addiction services and the contact details for a number of counsellors in the area.

    Who is he living with at the moment? Is it family? If he had a recent episode that you were unaware of, then it was managed without you.

    I do think you should encourage him to seek the help he needs, up to and including presenting to A&E tonight if he thinks it is necessary. But he careful of being sucked in and being manipulated and made responsible for his recovery. If you get him the details or a counsellor, and it ends up he doesn't hit it off with that counsellor, whose fault will it be if doesn't work out? It's going to be a tough road to recovery and sobriety for him. That's why he has to be the one in the driving seat when it comes to getting help. Because it will be all too easy to blame others (you) when he fails when things get too difficult.

    I linked you to the merry go round called denial on your last thread. You got off the merry go round and broke that cycle. You made a change and that in itself has caused change in him. Be very very careful of being dragged back on to that merry go round.

    He turned up here pissed to see son and was sent on his merry way. That resulted in a complete meltdown which resulted in me having to get a specific person to him.

    It came out that this person talked him down after I kicked him out last time and helped him organise accomodation etc. This person is a former work colleague.

    I can't have him back, I'm struggling myself. I understand why he asked for help sourcing info as he doest have the ability to source that information himself, no Internet. Every where is closed eg library etc.

    He has cut his family off in the past so it's literally, me and this 1 particular man are the only people he has contact with.


  • #19
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 14,385 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Has he a smart phone?

    He may have cut contact with his family in the past (probably due to his drinking) but you can contact them. They may or may not try to get in touch with him, but I cannot stress enough that you should not let him manipulate you into taking responsibility.

    Encourage him to get help, obviously. But don't take on the job.


  • #20
    Jequ0n
    Registered Users Posts: 6,412 ✭✭✭Jequ0n


    Please don’t take this the wrong way but it’s not a good sign that you are seeking help/ advice here instead of talking to people close to you both.

    He was recently talked down and you found out? That means that he does confide in someone else to some extend at least. Involve this person so you don’t have to do this alone in case it means you will get sucked back into the mess you got out of.

    Seriously, you seem a nice person but you are just one step away from undoing a lot of work you did.

    I have done so many ****ty things to good people like yourself and I can guarantee you that this will harm you and your child if you don’t put yourselves first. We don’t consider you or your sacrifices (and I’m not even an addict so he might have even less realisation)

    Good luck, don’t take this on alone, you will find yourself back where you were in October.


  • #21
    katiek102010
    Registered Users Posts: 1,106 ✭✭✭katiek102010


    Big Bag of Chips wrote: »
    Has he a smart phone?

    He may have cut contact with his family in the past (probably due to his drinking) but you can contact them. They may or may not try to get in touch with him, but I cannot stress enough that you should not let him manipulate you into taking responsibility.

    Encourage him to get help, obviously. But don't take on the job.

    No he doesn't have one. He wouldn't know how to use one.


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  • #22
    katiek102010
    Registered Users Posts: 1,106 ✭✭✭katiek102010


    Jequ0n wrote: »
    Please don’t take this the wrong way but it’s not a good sign that you are seeking help/ advice here instead of talking to people close to you both.

    He was recently talked down and you found out? That means that he does confide in someone else to some extend at least. Involve this person so you don’t have to do this alone in case it means you will get sucked back into the mess you got out of.

    Seriously, you seem a nice person but you are just one step away from undoing a lot of work you did.

    I have done so many ****ty things to good people like yourself and I can guarantee you that this will harm you and your child if you don’t put yourselves first. We don’t consider you or your sacrifices (and I’m not even an addict so he might have even less realisation)

    Good luck, don’t take this on alone, you will find yourself back where you were in October.

    I honestly do know where to look. I have explained above there is only me and 1 other person that he knew a former work colleague.

    I know it sounds redicilous but we were abroad for. Number of years and only back 2. He doesn't have any friends. I don't have contact details for his family. As far as I am aware the last of them went to oz around 2008/2009

    I have no intention of taking responsibility for his recovery:.
    I googled contact details for support services and the only ones that came up were AA and they are closed till Monday and another service which is live in which he can't afford


  • #23
    weldoninhio
    Closed Accounts Posts: 14,311 ✭✭✭✭weldoninhio


    If he’s in such a bad way, A&E. They’ll be able to advise/refer to local psych, will know of all local counsellors, will be able to advise on withdrawal symptoms etc.


  • #24
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 14,385 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    What area of the country are you in? Cuan Mhuire is one centre that may be an option.

    "Approximately 40% of those availing of addiction treatment in our Cuan Mhuire Centres have been homeless at the time of admission."


  • #25
    Dial Hard
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 13,916 ✭✭✭✭Dial Hard


    katiek102010 wrote: »
    No he doesn't have one. He wouldn't know how to use one.

    OP, I hate to be harsh but if a grown man can't use a computer, smartphone, laptop or basically any technology whatsoever then there's probably issues beyond his alcoholism that you're likely not qualified to help him with. It sounds like he is infantalised to a huge degree and is so used to being "minded" that neither of you will ever be able to move past that dynamic, even if he does get treatment for his addiction.

    I know you were advised to engage with Al-Anon in previous threads and I would repeat that advice now. I would also confide in your family about what's happening as it's not healthy to keep this in a troika of you, your husband and his former colleague and in fact all that does is enable him further.

    You need external help here. Big time.


  • #26
    Jequ0n
    Registered Users Posts: 6,412 ✭✭✭Jequ0n


    katiek102010 wrote: »
    I honestly do know where to look. I have explained above there is only me and 1 other person that he knew a former work colleague.

    I know it sounds redicilous but we were abroad for. Number of years and only back 2. He doesn't have any friends. I don't have contact details for his family. As far as I am aware the last of them went to oz around 2008/2009

    I have no intention of taking responsibility for his recovery:.
    I googled contact details for support services and the only ones that came up were AA and they are closed till Monday and another service which is live in which he can't afford

    It doesn’t matter what exactly you are/ are not taking responsibility for, you are stepping in and trying to help someone who is clinging on to you with little effort on their own side and you know this yourself.

    If you are doing this make sure you have some support yourself because you will not withstand this on your own.


  • #27
    Tork
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,457 ✭✭✭Tork


    Call me cynical but I'd be reserving judgement on how genuine he is about wanting help. I've seen a few of your threads in PI and your marriage sounds like it had a good dollop of co-dependency going on in it. If my memory serves me right, you've lost a house because of his drinking, he refuses to work and you have a child with special needs. Like it or not, you have been enabling him for years and I'd say a therapist would have a field day if you sat on their sofa. Is he now saying he wants help because he wants help? Or is it because he spent Christmas in rented accommodation which wasn't as comfortable as what he would have got at home? Does he actually want to sort out his alcoholism or does he just want to move back to the comfortable, enabled life he lived?

    By all means give him the information he needs but don't get sucked back in. I get the impression that it wouldn't take too much for you to take him back (and reboot the cycle?). That's fine because it's your marriage and your decision at the end of the day. But really, this is a golden opportunity for both of you to try and straighten out your lives and try to move beyond the unhealthy dynamic in your marriage. Your husband has more baggage than a transatlantic flight and there are definitely questions to be asked about why he is now not in contact with his family and has no friends. And the question needs to be asked - why did you stay married to this man for so long? I bet you'd be reluctant to sit down and tell your mother or a sibling what you've been put through. As has already been advised, you should seek out therapy for yourself as a priority. Al-Anon would be a good start but I think your issues go beyond that.


  • #28
    katiek102010
    Registered Users Posts: 1,106 ✭✭✭katiek102010


    Dial Hard wrote: »
    OP, I hate to be harsh but if a grown man can't use a computer, smartphone, laptop or basically any technology whatsoever then there's probably issues beyond his alcoholism that you're likely not qualified to help him with. It sounds like he is infantalised to a huge degree and is so used to being "minded" that neither of you will ever be able to move past that dynamic, even if he does get treatment for his addiction.

    I know you were advised to engage with Al-Anon in previous threads and I would repeat that advice now. I would also confide in your family about what's happening as it's not healthy to keep this in a troika of you, your husband and his former colleague and in fact all that does is enable him further.

    You need external help here. Big time.

    For someone in their 50's who completed education prior to computers even being in schools, it's not that strange.
    Not everyone uses a computer for work. Why would they need one at home. He has always done manual work. Not having IT skills or requiring them is actually not strange or a sign of bigger issues. I'm in my mid 40's and
    IT wasn't really in school when I did my leaving. I was finishing Uni when windows was invented.

    I did ring Al Anon. To be honest I didn't find them very helpful local meetings post lockdown are either during my working hrs or not suitable with organising childcare.

    I have organised private counselling for myself. My family and friends are fully aware of what has happened.
    It is him that does not have family.


  • #29
    katiek102010
    Registered Users Posts: 1,106 ✭✭✭katiek102010


    Tork wrote: »
    Call me cynical but I'd be reserving judgement on how genuine he is about wanting help. I've seen a few of your threads in PI and your marriage sounds like it had a good dollop of co-dependency going on in it. If my memory serves me right, you've lost a house because of his drinking, he refuses to work and you have a child with special needs. Like it or not, you have been enabling him for years and I'd say a therapist would have a field day if you sat on their sofa. Is he now saying he wants help because he wants help? Or is it because he spent Christmas in rented accommodation which wasn't as comfortable as what he would have got at home? Does he actually want to sort out his alcoholism or does he just want to move back to the comfortable, enabled life he lived?

    By all means give him the information he needs but don't get sucked back in. I get the impression that it wouldn't take too much for you to take him back (and reboot the cycle?). That's fine because it's your marriage and your decision at the end of the day. But really, this is a golden opportunity for both of you to try and straighten out your lives and try to move beyond the unhealthy dynamic in your marriage. Your husband has more baggage than a transatlantic flight and there are definitely questions to be asked about why he is now not in contact with his family and has no friends. And the question needs to be asked - why did you stay married to this man for so long? I bet you'd be reluctant to sit down and tell your mother or a sibling what you've been put through. As has already been advised, you should seek out therapy for yourself as a priority. Al-Anon would be a good start but I think your issues go beyond that.

    Yes you are right I have lost a house because of his drinking.

    I had no choice but to stay with him for a number of years. I'm a big fecking eejit and moved abroad with him. By the time I fully realised what was going on and sought help I was stuck.

    I was isolated by myself in a different country, no friends or family nearby, no support network of any kind. Despite the best efforts of support services, who fully backed that I should be allowed move home, as I needed a support network especially with a SEN child, nó judge would sign a court order allowing me to take the child out of the country without his father's consent. I was stuck as to move even in the country I would need to get social support and he refused kto leave the house or to agree to it being sold.

    I kicked him out the week after we came home. Yes you are 100% right. He gave up drinking got help for a short period, enough for me to see the man I fell in love with. I let him home. Shortly after he stopped yup with the support, turned into i believe the term is a dry drunk, and my life went to hell. He best guess is he gave up the drink to come home as its what I wanted and then resented me and turned against me as it was all my fault. I'm not falling for that again.

    Yes he has a horrendus amount of baggage. To the best of my knowledge none of his siblings have any contact with each other. I think 1 brother (youngest) has contact with mother. Over the years snippets of information have come out indicating that there was horrendous physical abuse in the family home. He is also i suspect dyslexic with high functioning ASD, same as my son however he was never given any assessments or support as a child, he suspects as in those days social services would have been involved and mother didn't want them involved with family.


  • #30
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    OP you seem very defensive of every reason why this guy cannot do anything for himself.

    That's alarming, in context. It sounds very much as if you are looking to justify some measure of return to a codependency that did damage before.

    An addict is not made whole and right after one effort from you or anyone else and by the sounds of it there will be no shortage of crisis points for you to be dragged into between now and whatever the endpoint of this situation is.

    Vigilance, resolution, distance are your only option for as long as it takes. If he is as helpless as you are reporting here then there will be no end to your involvement if you fall back into your habit here- it doesn't matter that some things have changed, dont fool yourself that means anything. The only progress that matters here is him not needing you to do it for him, whatever "it" is.

    For as long as your involvement is a necessary condition for him to progress, there is no progress.

    Give him those numbers, anything more is you choosing to engage where you shouldnt.


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  • #31
    qwerty13
    Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    Just a very small facet of the issues, but when you said that he doesn’t or won’t use the internet / a laptop / a smartphone, I wondered if he can read, and if non-use of these items isn’t so much a lifestyle choice (which IS highly unusual at his age OP, regardless of his job being manual) as an inability to do so.

    It does sound like he has an awful lot going on, leaving aside even the issues with alcohol. These issues may have contributed or directly caused his issues with alcohol. But you can’t fix him, he needs to do this for himself. I too feel that you’re in danger of being sucked back in to being his fixer. Some excellent points made in previous posts by others about this.


  • #32
    Jequ0n
    Registered Users Posts: 6,412 ✭✭✭Jequ0n


    It doesn’t matter why he never bothered to learn how to use mobile devices/ internet etc. In this day and age it equates to being illiterate because it completely disables him from using basic services.

    As others have pointed out this is merely evidence how much he has been enabled (and still is because here you are trying to get him help).

    His background also doesn’t matter, it is not your problem any more. Lots of people have had **** deals but have had to do a lot of work to overcome those. You are still trapped in making excuses for him (or maybe for yourself). He has not done anything yet to help himself but “needs” your help.


  • #33
    Tork
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,457 ✭✭✭Tork


    My parents, aunts and uncles all use smartphones and tablets without any great trouble. They're in their 60s and 70s and never would have had reason to turn on a computer in their lives. I find it hard to believe your husband wouldn't be able to use a smartphone. And if there is no internet where he lives, could he not move to another location with better reception for the duration of a counselling session? In my job, some of my colleagues are out and about rather than deskbound. Still, they're able to join our Zoom meetings via their smartphones on 4G from wherever they are.


  • #34
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 14,385 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    katiek102010 wrote: »
    I did ring Al Anon. To be honest I didn't find them very helpful local meetings post lockdown are either during my working hrs or not suitable with organising childcare.

    You are a single mother. Of course arranging to go to a meeting is going to involve organising childcare. Are your family close by? Are they supportive? Have you any friends who you can call on, to alternate weeks. Not to always be relying on the same person?

    You say you didn't find Al-Anon helpful when you rang them? What were you looking for from the phone call? Al-Anon is a peer support group where you can go to listen and talk if you like. It's a group of ordinary people; mothers, fathers, daughters, sons, brothers, sisters, husbands, wives, friends. You hear other people's stories about what they have done. Advice they can impart. Al-Anon is about helping you accept you're living with a very destructive element in your life and giving you the tools to deal with that. A phone call isn't going to be of much help outside of giving you the details of where and when the meeting is on.

    I have to say that I found Al-Anon brilliant. I found a lovely group. Very welcoming. I cried my way through the first 2 or 3 meetings! But I listened. I took in what was being said and little nuggets of advice or something someone said would pop into my head at times and steer me on a better path than the one I was on. It gave me the courage to "detach with love". Up to that point I fought, I argued, I begged, I tried to influence the drinker in some way. All I was doing was continuing the cycle I was trapped in.

    This is not an easy situation to be in Katie. And it is very difficult for someone who has never been in a similar situation to understand just how powerful that pull can be. And the addict is a master at making you feel it is your job to get them the help. I understand that you still love a part of him. And part of you just wants him to sort himself out so that you can be rewarded for all your time and effort so you continue to encourage the recovery. But, you need to not allow him to pull you back in. At mid 50s, now is the time for him to take control of his life. Tell him to contact his GP tomorrow morning. And then step back again. His lack of friends or family is not your responsibility.

    My parents in their 70s have smart phones, iPads, and a PC. They log in to their local church to watch online mass. They look up YouTube for videos that interest them. They have Facebook accounts. My mother recently learned how to send GIFs in WhatsApp! Regardless of his situation a mid 50s man unable to interact with any form of technology IS unusual, and is most likely indicative of something far more than you are qualified to deal with.


  • #35
    YellowLead
    Registered Users Posts: 7,943 ✭✭✭YellowLead


    It’s an awful situation to be in and when you are a good person and want to help people, it feels unnatural to back away. However - the kindest thing not only for you, but for him believe it or not, is to back away. Once you are there as a crutch he will never learn to be self sufficient. Sometimes people have to hit rock bottom in order to pick themselves up, with you around as a support he’s not really feeling he is hitting that. But I feel for you big time. None of this is easy. For either of you. Once you acknowledge it’s kinder NOT to keep helping in this way that might help.


  • #36
    MissShihTzu
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,080 ✭✭✭MissShihTzu


    katiek102010 wrote: »
    For someone in their 50's who completed education prior to computers even being in schools, it's not that strange.
    Not everyone uses a computer for work. Why would they need one at home. He has always done manual work. Not having IT skills or requiring them is actually not strange or a sign of bigger issues. I'm in my mid 40's and
    IT wasn't really in school when I did my leaving. I was finishing Uni when windows was invented.

    Sorry, OP - but you're wrong. And again, you're making excuses for your husband. As others have pointed out - there are countless people in their 60's, 70's, 80's and beyond who are more than capable of using technology. My late father's most treasured possession was his smartphone!


    My husband did do a more manual job before the one he has now. He's in the same age bracket as your husband. Guess what? He uses an iPad, smartphone, smart watch and whatever else he can lay his hands on. You'd struggle to find ANY job which does not use some kind of technology.


    Please stop enabling him. Let him grow up.


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  • #37
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    drinking 15 years?. what is the rush now, a few more days won't make any difference


  • #38
    katiek102010
    Registered Users Posts: 1,106 ✭✭✭katiek102010


    Big Bag of Chips wrote: »
    You are a single mother. Of course arranging to go to a meeting is going to involve organising childcare. Are your family close by? Are they supportive? Have you any friends who you can call on, to alternate weeks. Not to always be relying on the same person?

    You say you didn't find Al-Anon helpful when you rang them? What were you looking for from the phone call? Al-Anon is a peer support group where you can go to listen and talk if you like. It's a group of ordinary people; mothers, fathers, daughters, sons, brothers, sisters, husbands, wives, friends. You hear other people's stories about what they have done. Advice they can impart. Al-Anon is about helping you accept you're living with a very destructive element in your life and giving you the tools to deal with that. A phone call isn't going to be of much help outside of giving you the details of where and when the meeting is on.

    I have to say that I found Al-Anon brilliant. I found a lovely group. Very welcoming. I cried my way through the first 2 or 3 meetings! But I listened. I took in what was being said and little nuggets of advice or something someone said would pop into my head at times and steer me on a better path than the one I was on. It gave me the courage to "detach with love". Up to that point I fought, I argued, I begged, I tried to influence the drinker in some way. All I was doing was continuing the cycle I was trapped in.

    This is not an easy situation to be in Katie. And it is very difficult for someone who has never been in a similar situation to understand just how powerful that pull can be. And the addict is a master at making you feel it is your job to get them the help. I understand that you still love a part of him. And part of you just wants him to sort himself out so that you can be rewarded for all your time and effort so you continue to encourage the recovery. But, you need to not allow him to pull you back in. At mid 50s, now is the time for him to take control of his life. Tell him to contact his GP tomorrow morning. And then step back again. His lack of friends or family is not your responsibility.

    My parents in their 70s have smart phones, iPads, and a PC. They log in to their local church to watch online mass. They look up YouTube for videos that interest them. They have Facebook accounts. My mother recently learned how to send GIFs in WhatsApp! Regardless of his situation a mid 50s man unable to interact with any form of technology IS unusual, and is most likely indicative of something far more than you are qualified to deal with.

    Family are too far away for childcare in evenings. Due to renting. SEN chíld too and I'm in a very rural area. There éis 1 local meeting ón (within 20k) from me and it son a week night. No zoom. I was given a link and its bringing up 2 zoom meetings 1 which is on during the day when I'm t work nd I'm still working. The other is on at 1 am.

    I have sorted counselling privately every Sunday morning am

    He does have other issues. He is a complete technophobe. He never has had to use tech so never probably will. He is not a social person so won't have social media. The most tech he would use is turning on the TV.

    I know loads of people like that so I'm actually shocked people think it's strange.


  • #39
    katiek102010
    Registered Users Posts: 1,106 ✭✭✭katiek102010


    MissShihTzu wrote: »
    Sorry, OP - but you're wrong. And again, you're making excuses for your husband. As others have pointed out - there are countless people in their 60's, 70's, 80's and beyond who are more than capable of using technology. My late father's most treasured possession was his smartphone!


    My husband did do a more manual job before the one he has now. He's in the same age bracket as your husband. Guess what? He uses an iPad, smartphone, smart watch and whatever else he can lay his hands on. You'd struggle to find ANY job which does not use some kind of technology.


    Please stop enabling him. Let him grow up.

    I seriously do not understand why people are shocked that there ré people out there that don't use tech and never have to use tech of any kind and think there is something wrong with people who don't.

    I do actually find that bizzare. Maybe because I live in rural Ireland that i know more people who don't use it and never will.

    My son uses a laptop in school, I don't have one at home. Don't have an I pad or smart watch either.

    Last time during home school I just took his school work to my work and scanned and emailed it to school.


  • #40
    katiek102010
    Registered Users Posts: 1,106 ✭✭✭katiek102010


    FEW MORE wrote: »
    drinking 15 years?. what is the rush now, a few more days won't make any difference

    He was off it for 3 and went back on it. He's currently in the middle of a really bad episode


  • #41
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 14,385 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    I find it unusual that you live in a rural area and seem to know a significant number of (middle aged) people who don't use a smart phone.

    I live in a rural area, as do all my family and neighbours. I personally don't know anyone who doesn't use some sort of technology. In our house car tax, car insurance, booking nct, changing energy supplier, ordering heating oil, paying for bin collection, school bus tickets, wage slips, checking bank account, transferring money, credit union account, plus many more - almost everything I do now is online.

    How does he organise his car tax? Car insurance? Or have you always done it for him? I suppose every house has the person who organises that sort of stuff. But he no longer lives in your house, so he now needs to figure it out for himself.

    I get it, Katie, I do. After years of being the one holding everything together it's difficult for you to let go of that. But, he is going through a really bad episode now because you have withdrawn your support. You are no longer smoothing things over. If you smooth things over now then his bad episode is managed (for him) and he again has no incentive to change anything.

    A&E if he needs immediate attention. GP in the morning otherwise. There is no such thing as "urgent" care for an alcoholic. It will be a long, slow process. There is urgent care if he is in the middle of a crisis with his mental health where he is classed as an immediate threat to himself or others.


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  • #42
    Wildsurfer
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,438 ✭✭✭Wildsurfer


    Big Bag of Chips wrote: »
    <Snip>

    Did it ever occur to you that maybe this person has difficulty reading due to dyslexia and that might be the reason he has turned to someone he knows to find him help?


  • #43
    Tork
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,457 ✭✭✭Tork


    He's able to text her on non-smart phone so he can't be that helpless. And if you've ever read posts on social media, you'll see that having literacy issues never held back lots of people.


  • #44
    jacksonsarm
    Registered Users Posts: 19 ✭jacksonsarm


    https://www.srdatf.ie/

    This is the regional drugs/alcohol task force for southern region. There is also a local task force in Cork. They will be able to give you information on all the services available to your ex. They might also offer you family support which is useful for family members who want help or advice themselves dealing with an addicted person.


  • #45
    qwerty13
    Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    Wildsurfer wrote: »
    Did it ever occur to you that maybe this person has difficulty reading due to dyslexia and that might be the reason he has turned to someone he knows to find him help?

    I would think that’s exactly the point being made! That his age, his job, or his location should not hamper him in any way using the internet - despite what the OP says. It is highly, highly unusual for someone of his age not to use the internet at all. I questioned myself a few posts back whether he is in fact able to read (which I should have phrased better).

    The same as other posters, I know people who’ve never needed to use technology for work, and are in their 80s who use the internet. I suspect that the guy has severe dyslexia, or perhaps is functionally illiterate. It’s possible he became very good at hiding it, and the OP ‘covered for him’ (possibly unbeknownst to herself) by bearing sole responsibility for household organisation.

    As another poster pointed out already, without using the internet, he’s going to find it hard to engage with basic services. He’s able to send texts. So all is not lost in that regard. I would be very surprised if any phone or phone package doesn’t include web browsing. So I’m afraid he is going to have to push himself, and stop relying on the OP to be his fixer.

    PS: OP - do you think you could be blinkered when it comes to your ex? Or set in a pattern where you’ve dealt with the real world of organising a family, including dealing with all of his issues/things he didn’t want to deal with? The internet issue just sounds so unbelievable to me - he’s in his 50s, not 100. I honest do not understand how you say that you know many people like this. I’m going to say again, is he functionally illiterate? And have you been over compensating for that so much that you haven’t realised the extent of his issues with reading / ability to use the internet? Is he able to fill out a form? Can he read instructions on for example a bottle of antibiotics? Did he read stories to your child? Is he an allegedly technophobe because he genuinely hates technology, or because he cant use it due to poor reading skills?

    Is there a possibility that you’ve ‘minded him’ for so long by now that you’re not seeing the wood for the trees? To me, his issues with the internet are just same old same old - looking for you to sort his life out, just like he’s doing about getting help. He’s making his issues your problem, and you are letting him do so - and defending him in that on this thread.


  • #46
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Its only relevant what the guy's problems are if you agree that the OP has to find the solutions to them.

    If she committed to not being the one-stop shop then he wouldnt just wither away for want of finding a website or a phone number or a GP, you can be sure of that.

    OP, your determination to find reasons to stay involved here has you arguing that windows wasnt around until you (in your 40s, I think you said?) were finishing college. You're out by at least a decade there tbh probably two decades and it struck me as pretty indicative of your pattern of engagement in your old role here regardless of rhyme or reason

    I really hope you can step back from arguing against the advice here because all of it is good- not easy, but simple and good- remove yourself from the crutch position here and get on with your life.


  • #47
    Jequ0n
    Registered Users Posts: 6,412 ✭✭✭Jequ0n


    It doesnt really matter why he turned to you for help, what matters is that there is a stark pattern of dependency or possibly co-dependency. The OP has taken the first necessary step to remove herself from the situation and is now being dragged back into the same old game.

    OP it’s up to you and you seem to have taken the defensive stance. You can of course step in and help again but you know yourself that this is a quick temporary sticking plaster. You are not really helping him by picking him up again and again without him doing anything independently because you remain totally tangled up.

    Best of luck, hope you eventually get out of this


  • #48
    costacorta
    Registered Users Posts: 480 ✭✭costacorta


    katiek102010 wrote: »
    My ex just texted me.

    He has finally admitted he has issues and wants help.

    With the season that's in it and GP etc closed, I don't know where to point him to today.

    Even AA is closed.

    Any ideas please

    AA is not closed , meetings still going ahead as normal just smaller in numbers as social distancing required .if he wants help tell him ring the AA number and he will be told where his nearest meeting is .


  • #49
    Magicmatilda
    Registered Users Posts: 601 ✭✭✭Magicmatilda


    costacorta wrote: »
    AA is not closed , meetings still going ahead as normal just smaller in numbers as social distancing required .if he wants help tell him ring the AA number and he will be told where his nearest meeting is .

    This:


  • #50
    Tork
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,457 ✭✭✭Tork


    Is there any chance he has become brain-damaged from all the drinking? I am aware that this can happen to long-term alcoholics. If your husband has been putting away large quantities of booze for years, maybe he is no longer firing on all cylinders? This is aside from the co-dependency that I feel is there. I know couples where one person does so much, their partner seems to regress and become a bit useless.


  • #51
    Matlock637
    Registered Users Posts: 10 ✭Matlock637


    Google addiction/alcohol services in hes area and tell them your situation.
    If he doesn't feel safe ,he has to ring 999.
    Good luck.


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