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Urgent help for an alcoholic

  • 02-01-2021 3:15pm
    #1
    Registered Users Posts: 1,105 ✭✭✭


    My ex just texted me.

    He has finally admitted he has issues and wants help.

    With the season that's in it and GP etc closed, I don't know where to point him to today.

    Even AA is closed.

    Any ideas please


«1

Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,591 ✭✭✭chiefwiggum


    CRIS might be worth a shot..I found them very good with a few clients I had before


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,591 ✭✭✭chiefwiggum


    "Community Recovery & Integration Supports Project | MQI |" https://mqi.ie/help/cris-project/


  • Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 4,239 Mod ✭✭✭✭TherapyBoy


    There are some links here that might be useful.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,105 ✭✭✭katiek102010


    Thanks


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,105 ✭✭✭katiek102010


    "Community Recovery & Integration Supports Project | MQI |" https://mqi.ie/help/cris-project/

    Hi thanks we are in the muster area and they are Dublin based


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  • Registered Users Posts: 8,382 ✭✭✭petes


    There are online AA meetings:

    https://aaom.ie/meetings-list


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,105 ✭✭✭katiek102010


    petes wrote: »
    There are online AA meetings:

    https://aaom.ie/meetings-list

    He's not good with Internet / online stuff. He actually doesn't even have Internet where he lives.

    It would have to be face to face or over the phone


  • Registered Users Posts: 861 ✭✭✭tomwaits48


    He's not good with Internet / online stuff. He actually doesn't even have Internet where he lives.

    It would have to be face to face or over the phone

    You can call into those meetings with a phone, email the organisers and they will send you the details.


  • Registered Users Posts: 13,426 ✭✭✭✭Thelonious Monk


    It's not your problem any more


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,105 ✭✭✭katiek102010


    tomwaits48 wrote: »
    You can call into those meetings with a phone, email the organisers and they will send you the details.

    Thanks


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  • Registered Users Posts: 1,105 ✭✭✭katiek102010


    It's not your problem any more

    Yes but he is still my child's father and to be honest I do still love him, well a version of him that comes out occasionally.

    It doesn't matter that he is my ex husband.

    If a stranger knocked on my door and asked the same question, I would try and find the information for them


  • Registered Users Posts: 13,426 ✭✭✭✭Thelonious Monk


    Yes but he is still my child's father and to be honest I do still love him, well a version of him that comes out occasionally.

    It doesn't matter that he is my ex husband.

    If a stranger knocked on my door and asked the same question, I would try and find the information for them

    Oh fair enough, I was just thinking it was some bloke you used to go out with trying to emotionally blackmail you or something.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,105 ✭✭✭katiek102010


    Oh fair enough, I was just thinking it was some bloke you used to go out with trying to emotionally blackmail you or something.

    No husband, we were together 15 years. I kicked him out in November


  • Administrators Posts: 13,407 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Katie, just be very careful. He has finally admitted he has a problem. But as an adult man it is his responsibility to seek out the help. This isn't something urgent that needs to be solved today. And not something that you need to sort out either. It is Saturday evening. His GP will be open Monday morning. That should be his first stop. If he feels depressed or even suicidal now, although there's nothing to say he does, then you should get him to contact someone from this list .

    Do not take on the responsibility of his recovery. He doesn't need "urgent" help. If he does he should present to his nearest A&E. Seeing his GP on Monday morning will be the first step. The GP will then point him in the direction of counselling, or even an inpatient stay. But unless he is an immediate threat to himself he will still have to wait for an online meeting, or a face to face appointment with a counsellor. He needs help, no doubt. But it does not sound like he needs urgent help.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,105 ✭✭✭katiek102010


    Katie, just be very careful. He has finally admitted he has a problem. But as an adult man it is his responsibility to seek out the help. This isn't something urgent that needs to be solved today. And not something that you need to sort out either. It is Saturday evening. His GP will be open Monday morning. That should be his first stop. If he feels depressed or even suicidal now, although there's nothing to say he does, then you should get him to contact someone from this list .

    Do not take on the responsibility of his recovery. He doesn't need "urgent" help. If he does he should present to his nearest A&E. Seeing his GP on Monday morning will be the first step. The GP will then point him in the direction of counselling, or even an inpatient stay. But unless he is an immediate threat to himself he will still have to wait for an online meeting, or a face to face appointment with a counsellor. He needs help, no doubt. But it does not sound like he needs urgent help.

    There was a recent situation whereby he was at risk. I found out only this weekend that he was talked down. This is not something I was aware off.

    Our GP isn't the best so I was looking to see if I could get some information to give to him as with the GP being so bad it's usually more helpful if you know what your looking for when you go in


  • Administrators Posts: 13,407 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    If the GP is very bad, is it possible for him to see a different GP. This should be pretty straightforward for the GP. Your husband goes in, admits he is an alcoholic and asks the GP for a referral to the local psychiatric addiction services and the contact details for a number of counsellors in the area.

    Who is he living with at the moment? Is it family? If he had a recent episode that you were unaware of, then it was managed without you.

    I do think you should encourage him to seek the help he needs, up to and including presenting to A&E tonight if he thinks it is necessary. But he careful of being sucked in and being manipulated and made responsible for his recovery. If you get him the details or a counsellor, and it ends up he doesn't hit it off with that counsellor, whose fault will it be if doesn't work out? It's going to be a tough road to recovery and sobriety for him. That's why he has to be the one in the driving seat when it comes to getting help. Because it will be all too easy to blame others (you) when he fails when things get too difficult.

    I linked you to the merry go round called denial on your last thread. You got off the merry go round and broke that cycle. You made a change and that in itself has caused change in him. Be very very careful of being dragged back on to that merry go round.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,105 ✭✭✭katiek102010


    If the GP is very bad, is it possible for him to see a different GP. This should be pretty straightforward for the GP. Your husband goes in, admits he is an alcoholic and asks the GP for a referral to the local psychiatric addiction services and the contact details for a number of counsellors in the area.

    Who is he living with at the moment? Is it family? If he had a recent episode that you were unaware of, then it was managed without you.

    I do think you should encourage him to seek the help he needs, up to and including presenting to A&E tonight if he thinks it is necessary. But he careful of being sucked in and being manipulated and made responsible for his recovery. If you get him the details or a counsellor, and it ends up he doesn't hit it off with that counsellor, whose fault will it be if doesn't work out? It's going to be a tough road to recovery and sobriety for him. That's why he has to be the one in the driving seat when it comes to getting help. Because it will be all too easy to blame others (you) when he fails when things get too difficult.

    I linked you to the merry go round called denial on your last thread. You got off the merry go round and broke that cycle. You made a change and that in itself has caused change in him. Be very very careful of being dragged back on to that merry go round.

    He turned up here pissed to see son and was sent on his merry way. That resulted in a complete meltdown which resulted in me having to get a specific person to him.

    It came out that this person talked him down after I kicked him out last time and helped him organise accomodation etc. This person is a former work colleague.

    I can't have him back, I'm struggling myself. I understand why he asked for help sourcing info as he doest have the ability to source that information himself, no Internet. Every where is closed eg library etc.

    He has cut his family off in the past so it's literally, me and this 1 particular man are the only people he has contact with.


  • Administrators Posts: 13,407 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Has he a smart phone?

    He may have cut contact with his family in the past (probably due to his drinking) but you can contact them. They may or may not try to get in touch with him, but I cannot stress enough that you should not let him manipulate you into taking responsibility.

    Encourage him to get help, obviously. But don't take on the job.


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,896 ✭✭✭Jequ0n


    Please don’t take this the wrong way but it’s not a good sign that you are seeking help/ advice here instead of talking to people close to you both.

    He was recently talked down and you found out? That means that he does confide in someone else to some extend at least. Involve this person so you don’t have to do this alone in case it means you will get sucked back into the mess you got out of.

    Seriously, you seem a nice person but you are just one step away from undoing a lot of work you did.

    I have done so many ****ty things to good people like yourself and I can guarantee you that this will harm you and your child if you don’t put yourselves first. We don’t consider you or your sacrifices (and I’m not even an addict so he might have even less realisation)

    Good luck, don’t take this on alone, you will find yourself back where you were in October.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,105 ✭✭✭katiek102010


    Has he a smart phone?

    He may have cut contact with his family in the past (probably due to his drinking) but you can contact them. They may or may not try to get in touch with him, but I cannot stress enough that you should not let him manipulate you into taking responsibility.

    Encourage him to get help, obviously. But don't take on the job.

    No he doesn't have one. He wouldn't know how to use one.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 1,105 ✭✭✭katiek102010


    Jequ0n wrote: »
    Please don’t take this the wrong way but it’s not a good sign that you are seeking help/ advice here instead of talking to people close to you both.

    He was recently talked down and you found out? That means that he does confide in someone else to some extend at least. Involve this person so you don’t have to do this alone in case it means you will get sucked back into the mess you got out of.

    Seriously, you seem a nice person but you are just one step away from undoing a lot of work you did.

    I have done so many ****ty things to good people like yourself and I can guarantee you that this will harm you and your child if you don’t put yourselves first. We don’t consider you or your sacrifices (and I’m not even an addict so he might have even less realisation)

    Good luck, don’t take this on alone, you will find yourself back where you were in October.

    I honestly do know where to look. I have explained above there is only me and 1 other person that he knew a former work colleague.

    I know it sounds redicilous but we were abroad for. Number of years and only back 2. He doesn't have any friends. I don't have contact details for his family. As far as I am aware the last of them went to oz around 2008/2009

    I have no intention of taking responsibility for his recovery:.
    I googled contact details for support services and the only ones that came up were AA and they are closed till Monday and another service which is live in which he can't afford


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 14,311 ✭✭✭✭weldoninhio


    If he’s in such a bad way, A&E. They’ll be able to advise/refer to local psych, will know of all local counsellors, will be able to advise on withdrawal symptoms etc.


  • Administrators Posts: 13,407 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    What area of the country are you in? Cuan Mhuire is one centre that may be an option.

    "Approximately 40% of those availing of addiction treatment in our Cuan Mhuire Centres have been homeless at the time of admission."


  • Registered Users Posts: 13,268 ✭✭✭✭Dial Hard


    No he doesn't have one. He wouldn't know how to use one.

    OP, I hate to be harsh but if a grown man can't use a computer, smartphone, laptop or basically any technology whatsoever then there's probably issues beyond his alcoholism that you're likely not qualified to help him with. It sounds like he is infantalised to a huge degree and is so used to being "minded" that neither of you will ever be able to move past that dynamic, even if he does get treatment for his addiction.

    I know you were advised to engage with Al-Anon in previous threads and I would repeat that advice now. I would also confide in your family about what's happening as it's not healthy to keep this in a troika of you, your husband and his former colleague and in fact all that does is enable him further.

    You need external help here. Big time.


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,896 ✭✭✭Jequ0n


    I honestly do know where to look. I have explained above there is only me and 1 other person that he knew a former work colleague.

    I know it sounds redicilous but we were abroad for. Number of years and only back 2. He doesn't have any friends. I don't have contact details for his family. As far as I am aware the last of them went to oz around 2008/2009

    I have no intention of taking responsibility for his recovery:.
    I googled contact details for support services and the only ones that came up were AA and they are closed till Monday and another service which is live in which he can't afford

    It doesn’t matter what exactly you are/ are not taking responsibility for, you are stepping in and trying to help someone who is clinging on to you with little effort on their own side and you know this yourself.

    If you are doing this make sure you have some support yourself because you will not withstand this on your own.


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,190 ✭✭✭Tork


    Call me cynical but I'd be reserving judgement on how genuine he is about wanting help. I've seen a few of your threads in PI and your marriage sounds like it had a good dollop of co-dependency going on in it. If my memory serves me right, you've lost a house because of his drinking, he refuses to work and you have a child with special needs. Like it or not, you have been enabling him for years and I'd say a therapist would have a field day if you sat on their sofa. Is he now saying he wants help because he wants help? Or is it because he spent Christmas in rented accommodation which wasn't as comfortable as what he would have got at home? Does he actually want to sort out his alcoholism or does he just want to move back to the comfortable, enabled life he lived?

    By all means give him the information he needs but don't get sucked back in. I get the impression that it wouldn't take too much for you to take him back (and reboot the cycle?). That's fine because it's your marriage and your decision at the end of the day. But really, this is a golden opportunity for both of you to try and straighten out your lives and try to move beyond the unhealthy dynamic in your marriage. Your husband has more baggage than a transatlantic flight and there are definitely questions to be asked about why he is now not in contact with his family and has no friends. And the question needs to be asked - why did you stay married to this man for so long? I bet you'd be reluctant to sit down and tell your mother or a sibling what you've been put through. As has already been advised, you should seek out therapy for yourself as a priority. Al-Anon would be a good start but I think your issues go beyond that.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,105 ✭✭✭katiek102010


    Dial Hard wrote: »
    OP, I hate to be harsh but if a grown man can't use a computer, smartphone, laptop or basically any technology whatsoever then there's probably issues beyond his alcoholism that you're likely not qualified to help him with. It sounds like he is infantalised to a huge degree and is so used to being "minded" that neither of you will ever be able to move past that dynamic, even if he does get treatment for his addiction.

    I know you were advised to engage with Al-Anon in previous threads and I would repeat that advice now. I would also confide in your family about what's happening as it's not healthy to keep this in a troika of you, your husband and his former colleague and in fact all that does is enable him further.

    You need external help here. Big time.

    For someone in their 50's who completed education prior to computers even being in schools, it's not that strange.
    Not everyone uses a computer for work. Why would they need one at home. He has always done manual work. Not having IT skills or requiring them is actually not strange or a sign of bigger issues. I'm in my mid 40's and
    IT wasn't really in school when I did my leaving. I was finishing Uni when windows was invented.

    I did ring Al Anon. To be honest I didn't find them very helpful local meetings post lockdown are either during my working hrs or not suitable with organising childcare.

    I have organised private counselling for myself. My family and friends are fully aware of what has happened.
    It is him that does not have family.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,105 ✭✭✭katiek102010


    Tork wrote: »
    Call me cynical but I'd be reserving judgement on how genuine he is about wanting help. I've seen a few of your threads in PI and your marriage sounds like it had a good dollop of co-dependency going on in it. If my memory serves me right, you've lost a house because of his drinking, he refuses to work and you have a child with special needs. Like it or not, you have been enabling him for years and I'd say a therapist would have a field day if you sat on their sofa. Is he now saying he wants help because he wants help? Or is it because he spent Christmas in rented accommodation which wasn't as comfortable as what he would have got at home? Does he actually want to sort out his alcoholism or does he just want to move back to the comfortable, enabled life he lived?

    By all means give him the information he needs but don't get sucked back in. I get the impression that it wouldn't take too much for you to take him back (and reboot the cycle?). That's fine because it's your marriage and your decision at the end of the day. But really, this is a golden opportunity for both of you to try and straighten out your lives and try to move beyond the unhealthy dynamic in your marriage. Your husband has more baggage than a transatlantic flight and there are definitely questions to be asked about why he is now not in contact with his family and has no friends. And the question needs to be asked - why did you stay married to this man for so long? I bet you'd be reluctant to sit down and tell your mother or a sibling what you've been put through. As has already been advised, you should seek out therapy for yourself as a priority. Al-Anon would be a good start but I think your issues go beyond that.

    Yes you are right I have lost a house because of his drinking.

    I had no choice but to stay with him for a number of years. I'm a big fecking eejit and moved abroad with him. By the time I fully realised what was going on and sought help I was stuck.

    I was isolated by myself in a different country, no friends or family nearby, no support network of any kind. Despite the best efforts of support services, who fully backed that I should be allowed move home, as I needed a support network especially with a SEN child, nó judge would sign a court order allowing me to take the child out of the country without his father's consent. I was stuck as to move even in the country I would need to get social support and he refused kto leave the house or to agree to it being sold.

    I kicked him out the week after we came home. Yes you are 100% right. He gave up drinking got help for a short period, enough for me to see the man I fell in love with. I let him home. Shortly after he stopped yup with the support, turned into i believe the term is a dry drunk, and my life went to hell. He best guess is he gave up the drink to come home as its what I wanted and then resented me and turned against me as it was all my fault. I'm not falling for that again.

    Yes he has a horrendus amount of baggage. To the best of my knowledge none of his siblings have any contact with each other. I think 1 brother (youngest) has contact with mother. Over the years snippets of information have come out indicating that there was horrendous physical abuse in the family home. He is also i suspect dyslexic with high functioning ASD, same as my son however he was never given any assessments or support as a child, he suspects as in those days social services would have been involved and mother didn't want them involved with family.


  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    OP you seem very defensive of every reason why this guy cannot do anything for himself.

    That's alarming, in context. It sounds very much as if you are looking to justify some measure of return to a codependency that did damage before.

    An addict is not made whole and right after one effort from you or anyone else and by the sounds of it there will be no shortage of crisis points for you to be dragged into between now and whatever the endpoint of this situation is.

    Vigilance, resolution, distance are your only option for as long as it takes. If he is as helpless as you are reporting here then there will be no end to your involvement if you fall back into your habit here- it doesn't matter that some things have changed, dont fool yourself that means anything. The only progress that matters here is him not needing you to do it for him, whatever "it" is.

    For as long as your involvement is a necessary condition for him to progress, there is no progress.

    Give him those numbers, anything more is you choosing to engage where you shouldnt.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    Just a very small facet of the issues, but when you said that he doesn’t or won’t use the internet / a laptop / a smartphone, I wondered if he can read, and if non-use of these items isn’t so much a lifestyle choice (which IS highly unusual at his age OP, regardless of his job being manual) as an inability to do so.

    It does sound like he has an awful lot going on, leaving aside even the issues with alcohol. These issues may have contributed or directly caused his issues with alcohol. But you can’t fix him, he needs to do this for himself. I too feel that you’re in danger of being sucked back in to being his fixer. Some excellent points made in previous posts by others about this.


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