Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie
Help Keep Boards Alive. Support us by going ad free today. See here: https://subscriptions.boards.ie/.
If we do not hit our goal we will be forced to close the site.

Current status: https://keepboardsalive.com/

Annual subs are best for most impact. If you are still undecided on going Ad Free - you can also donate using the Paypal Donate option. All contribution helps. Thank you.
https://www.boards.ie/group/1878-subscribers-forum

Private Group for paid up members of Boards.ie. Join the club.

Urgent help for an alcoholic

2»

Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,412 ✭✭✭Jequ0n


    It doesn’t matter why he never bothered to learn how to use mobile devices/ internet etc. In this day and age it equates to being illiterate because it completely disables him from using basic services.

    As others have pointed out this is merely evidence how much he has been enabled (and still is because here you are trying to get him help).

    His background also doesn’t matter, it is not your problem any more. Lots of people have had **** deals but have had to do a lot of work to overcome those. You are still trapped in making excuses for him (or maybe for yourself). He has not done anything yet to help himself but “needs” your help.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2, Paid Member Posts: 3,671 ✭✭✭Tork


    My parents, aunts and uncles all use smartphones and tablets without any great trouble. They're in their 60s and 70s and never would have had reason to turn on a computer in their lives. I find it hard to believe your husband wouldn't be able to use a smartphone. And if there is no internet where he lives, could he not move to another location with better reception for the duration of a counselling session? In my job, some of my colleagues are out and about rather than deskbound. Still, they're able to join our Zoom meetings via their smartphones on 4G from wherever they are.


  • Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 16,014 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    I did ring Al Anon. To be honest I didn't find them very helpful local meetings post lockdown are either during my working hrs or not suitable with organising childcare.

    You are a single mother. Of course arranging to go to a meeting is going to involve organising childcare. Are your family close by? Are they supportive? Have you any friends who you can call on, to alternate weeks. Not to always be relying on the same person?

    You say you didn't find Al-Anon helpful when you rang them? What were you looking for from the phone call? Al-Anon is a peer support group where you can go to listen and talk if you like. It's a group of ordinary people; mothers, fathers, daughters, sons, brothers, sisters, husbands, wives, friends. You hear other people's stories about what they have done. Advice they can impart. Al-Anon is about helping you accept you're living with a very destructive element in your life and giving you the tools to deal with that. A phone call isn't going to be of much help outside of giving you the details of where and when the meeting is on.

    I have to say that I found Al-Anon brilliant. I found a lovely group. Very welcoming. I cried my way through the first 2 or 3 meetings! But I listened. I took in what was being said and little nuggets of advice or something someone said would pop into my head at times and steer me on a better path than the one I was on. It gave me the courage to "detach with love". Up to that point I fought, I argued, I begged, I tried to influence the drinker in some way. All I was doing was continuing the cycle I was trapped in.

    This is not an easy situation to be in Katie. And it is very difficult for someone who has never been in a similar situation to understand just how powerful that pull can be. And the addict is a master at making you feel it is your job to get them the help. I understand that you still love a part of him. And part of you just wants him to sort himself out so that you can be rewarded for all your time and effort so you continue to encourage the recovery. But, you need to not allow him to pull you back in. At mid 50s, now is the time for him to take control of his life. Tell him to contact his GP tomorrow morning. And then step back again. His lack of friends or family is not your responsibility.

    My parents in their 70s have smart phones, iPads, and a PC. They log in to their local church to watch online mass. They look up YouTube for videos that interest them. They have Facebook accounts. My mother recently learned how to send GIFs in WhatsApp! Regardless of his situation a mid 50s man unable to interact with any form of technology IS unusual, and is most likely indicative of something far more than you are qualified to deal with.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,034 ✭✭✭YellowLead


    It’s an awful situation to be in and when you are a good person and want to help people, it feels unnatural to back away. However - the kindest thing not only for you, but for him believe it or not, is to back away. Once you are there as a crutch he will never learn to be self sufficient. Sometimes people have to hit rock bottom in order to pick themselves up, with you around as a support he’s not really feeling he is hitting that. But I feel for you big time. None of this is easy. For either of you. Once you acknowledge it’s kinder NOT to keep helping in this way that might help.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,080 ✭✭✭MissShihTzu


    For someone in their 50's who completed education prior to computers even being in schools, it's not that strange.
    Not everyone uses a computer for work. Why would they need one at home. He has always done manual work. Not having IT skills or requiring them is actually not strange or a sign of bigger issues. I'm in my mid 40's and
    IT wasn't really in school when I did my leaving. I was finishing Uni when windows was invented.

    Sorry, OP - but you're wrong. And again, you're making excuses for your husband. As others have pointed out - there are countless people in their 60's, 70's, 80's and beyond who are more than capable of using technology. My late father's most treasured possession was his smartphone!


    My husband did do a more manual job before the one he has now. He's in the same age bracket as your husband. Guess what? He uses an iPad, smartphone, smart watch and whatever else he can lay his hands on. You'd struggle to find ANY job which does not use some kind of technology.


    Please stop enabling him. Let him grow up.


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    drinking 15 years?. what is the rush now, a few more days won't make any difference


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,107 ✭✭✭katiek102010


    You are a single mother. Of course arranging to go to a meeting is going to involve organising childcare. Are your family close by? Are they supportive? Have you any friends who you can call on, to alternate weeks. Not to always be relying on the same person?

    You say you didn't find Al-Anon helpful when you rang them? What were you looking for from the phone call? Al-Anon is a peer support group where you can go to listen and talk if you like. It's a group of ordinary people; mothers, fathers, daughters, sons, brothers, sisters, husbands, wives, friends. You hear other people's stories about what they have done. Advice they can impart. Al-Anon is about helping you accept you're living with a very destructive element in your life and giving you the tools to deal with that. A phone call isn't going to be of much help outside of giving you the details of where and when the meeting is on.

    I have to say that I found Al-Anon brilliant. I found a lovely group. Very welcoming. I cried my way through the first 2 or 3 meetings! But I listened. I took in what was being said and little nuggets of advice or something someone said would pop into my head at times and steer me on a better path than the one I was on. It gave me the courage to "detach with love". Up to that point I fought, I argued, I begged, I tried to influence the drinker in some way. All I was doing was continuing the cycle I was trapped in.

    This is not an easy situation to be in Katie. And it is very difficult for someone who has never been in a similar situation to understand just how powerful that pull can be. And the addict is a master at making you feel it is your job to get them the help. I understand that you still love a part of him. And part of you just wants him to sort himself out so that you can be rewarded for all your time and effort so you continue to encourage the recovery. But, you need to not allow him to pull you back in. At mid 50s, now is the time for him to take control of his life. Tell him to contact his GP tomorrow morning. And then step back again. His lack of friends or family is not your responsibility.

    My parents in their 70s have smart phones, iPads, and a PC. They log in to their local church to watch online mass. They look up YouTube for videos that interest them. They have Facebook accounts. My mother recently learned how to send GIFs in WhatsApp! Regardless of his situation a mid 50s man unable to interact with any form of technology IS unusual, and is most likely indicative of something far more than you are qualified to deal with.

    Family are too far away for childcare in evenings. Due to renting. SEN chíld too and I'm in a very rural area. There éis 1 local meeting ón (within 20k) from me and it son a week night. No zoom. I was given a link and its bringing up 2 zoom meetings 1 which is on during the day when I'm t work nd I'm still working. The other is on at 1 am.

    I have sorted counselling privately every Sunday morning am

    He does have other issues. He is a complete technophobe. He never has had to use tech so never probably will. He is not a social person so won't have social media. The most tech he would use is turning on the TV.

    I know loads of people like that so I'm actually shocked people think it's strange.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,107 ✭✭✭katiek102010


    Sorry, OP - but you're wrong. And again, you're making excuses for your husband. As others have pointed out - there are countless people in their 60's, 70's, 80's and beyond who are more than capable of using technology. My late father's most treasured possession was his smartphone!


    My husband did do a more manual job before the one he has now. He's in the same age bracket as your husband. Guess what? He uses an iPad, smartphone, smart watch and whatever else he can lay his hands on. You'd struggle to find ANY job which does not use some kind of technology.


    Please stop enabling him. Let him grow up.

    I seriously do not understand why people are shocked that there ré people out there that don't use tech and never have to use tech of any kind and think there is something wrong with people who don't.

    I do actually find that bizzare. Maybe because I live in rural Ireland that i know more people who don't use it and never will.

    My son uses a laptop in school, I don't have one at home. Don't have an I pad or smart watch either.

    Last time during home school I just took his school work to my work and scanned and emailed it to school.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,107 ✭✭✭katiek102010


    FEW MORE wrote: »
    drinking 15 years?. what is the rush now, a few more days won't make any difference

    He was off it for 3 and went back on it. He's currently in the middle of a really bad episode


  • Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 16,014 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    I find it unusual that you live in a rural area and seem to know a significant number of (middle aged) people who don't use a smart phone.

    I live in a rural area, as do all my family and neighbours. I personally don't know anyone who doesn't use some sort of technology. In our house car tax, car insurance, booking nct, changing energy supplier, ordering heating oil, paying for bin collection, school bus tickets, wage slips, checking bank account, transferring money, credit union account, plus many more - almost everything I do now is online.

    How does he organise his car tax? Car insurance? Or have you always done it for him? I suppose every house has the person who organises that sort of stuff. But he no longer lives in your house, so he now needs to figure it out for himself.

    I get it, Katie, I do. After years of being the one holding everything together it's difficult for you to let go of that. But, he is going through a really bad episode now because you have withdrawn your support. You are no longer smoothing things over. If you smooth things over now then his bad episode is managed (for him) and he again has no incentive to change anything.

    A&E if he needs immediate attention. GP in the morning otherwise. There is no such thing as "urgent" care for an alcoholic. It will be a long, slow process. There is urgent care if he is in the middle of a crisis with his mental health where he is classed as an immediate threat to himself or others.


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,605 ✭✭✭Wildsurfer


    <Snip>

    Did it ever occur to you that maybe this person has difficulty reading due to dyslexia and that might be the reason he has turned to someone he knows to find him help?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2, Paid Member Posts: 3,671 ✭✭✭Tork


    He's able to text her on non-smart phone so he can't be that helpless. And if you've ever read posts on social media, you'll see that having literacy issues never held back lots of people.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19 jacksonsarm


    https://www.srdatf.ie/

    This is the regional drugs/alcohol task force for southern region. There is also a local task force in Cork. They will be able to give you information on all the services available to your ex. They might also offer you family support which is useful for family members who want help or advice themselves dealing with an addicted person.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    Wildsurfer wrote: »
    Did it ever occur to you that maybe this person has difficulty reading due to dyslexia and that might be the reason he has turned to someone he knows to find him help?

    I would think that’s exactly the point being made! That his age, his job, or his location should not hamper him in any way using the internet - despite what the OP says. It is highly, highly unusual for someone of his age not to use the internet at all. I questioned myself a few posts back whether he is in fact able to read (which I should have phrased better).

    The same as other posters, I know people who’ve never needed to use technology for work, and are in their 80s who use the internet. I suspect that the guy has severe dyslexia, or perhaps is functionally illiterate. It’s possible he became very good at hiding it, and the OP ‘covered for him’ (possibly unbeknownst to herself) by bearing sole responsibility for household organisation.

    As another poster pointed out already, without using the internet, he’s going to find it hard to engage with basic services. He’s able to send texts. So all is not lost in that regard. I would be very surprised if any phone or phone package doesn’t include web browsing. So I’m afraid he is going to have to push himself, and stop relying on the OP to be his fixer.

    PS: OP - do you think you could be blinkered when it comes to your ex? Or set in a pattern where you’ve dealt with the real world of organising a family, including dealing with all of his issues/things he didn’t want to deal with? The internet issue just sounds so unbelievable to me - he’s in his 50s, not 100. I honest do not understand how you say that you know many people like this. I’m going to say again, is he functionally illiterate? And have you been over compensating for that so much that you haven’t realised the extent of his issues with reading / ability to use the internet? Is he able to fill out a form? Can he read instructions on for example a bottle of antibiotics? Did he read stories to your child? Is he an allegedly technophobe because he genuinely hates technology, or because he cant use it due to poor reading skills?

    Is there a possibility that you’ve ‘minded him’ for so long by now that you’re not seeing the wood for the trees? To me, his issues with the internet are just same old same old - looking for you to sort his life out, just like he’s doing about getting help. He’s making his issues your problem, and you are letting him do so - and defending him in that on this thread.


  • Posts: 11,195 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Its only relevant what the guy's problems are if you agree that the OP has to find the solutions to them.

    If she committed to not being the one-stop shop then he wouldnt just wither away for want of finding a website or a phone number or a GP, you can be sure of that.

    OP, your determination to find reasons to stay involved here has you arguing that windows wasnt around until you (in your 40s, I think you said?) were finishing college. You're out by at least a decade there tbh probably two decades and it struck me as pretty indicative of your pattern of engagement in your old role here regardless of rhyme or reason

    I really hope you can step back from arguing against the advice here because all of it is good- not easy, but simple and good- remove yourself from the crutch position here and get on with your life.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,412 ✭✭✭Jequ0n


    It doesnt really matter why he turned to you for help, what matters is that there is a stark pattern of dependency or possibly co-dependency. The OP has taken the first necessary step to remove herself from the situation and is now being dragged back into the same old game.

    OP it’s up to you and you seem to have taken the defensive stance. You can of course step in and help again but you know yourself that this is a quick temporary sticking plaster. You are not really helping him by picking him up again and again without him doing anything independently because you remain totally tangled up.

    Best of luck, hope you eventually get out of this


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 483 ✭✭costacorta


    My ex just texted me.

    He has finally admitted he has issues and wants help.

    With the season that's in it and GP etc closed, I don't know where to point him to today.

    Even AA is closed.

    Any ideas please

    AA is not closed , meetings still going ahead as normal just smaller in numbers as social distancing required .if he wants help tell him ring the AA number and he will be told where his nearest meeting is .


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 601 ✭✭✭Magicmatilda


    costacorta wrote: »
    AA is not closed , meetings still going ahead as normal just smaller in numbers as social distancing required .if he wants help tell him ring the AA number and he will be told where his nearest meeting is .

    This:


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2, Paid Member Posts: 3,671 ✭✭✭Tork


    Is there any chance he has become brain-damaged from all the drinking? I am aware that this can happen to long-term alcoholics. If your husband has been putting away large quantities of booze for years, maybe he is no longer firing on all cylinders? This is aside from the co-dependency that I feel is there. I know couples where one person does so much, their partner seems to regress and become a bit useless.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10 Matlock637


    Google addiction/alcohol services in hes area and tell them your situation.
    If he doesn't feel safe ,he has to ring 999.
    Good luck.


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,185 ✭✭✭Dark Phoenix


    I hope your ok OP, while it’s noble to try and help this person it’s most important to help yourself especially if you tend to end up in the care taker role.
    Lots of suggestions And resources have been supplied. While the person you are trying to help might be a technophobe There is no rational or logical reason they cannot learn to use online resources to help them. My concern here is that in my (sadly vast) experience alcoholics are very good at making themselves at a loss and in need so that you have to step up to the plate instead of them and deliver the help they need. If they really want help (hard to gauge when they are in the middle of an episode I appreciate and know from experience), they need to make an effort to at least meet in the middle and not down tools and wait for rescue


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,030 ✭✭✭willowthewisp


    Can I ask, how difficult is it to get someone into one of these centres?
    If a GP refers someone for addiction, is there long waiting lists at addiction centres?


  • Moderators, Computer Games Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Paid Member Posts: 81,190 Mod ✭✭✭✭Sephiroth_dude


    Can I ask, how difficult is it to get someone into one of these centres?
    If a GP refers someone for addiction, is there long waiting lists at addiction centres?

    There can be but my brother got into one for alcohol addiction back in July fairly quick,cuan mhuire in Limerick, do you have an addiction counselor in your local area? find out and contact them and they should be able to help you or contact the center and ask for help, they have to want to go in as well otherwise it will not work which is what happened my brother the first time he went in. Good luck you both.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15 Intuitive


    I'm with big bag of chips here.

    I'm sure I'd want to fix things too if I were in a similar situation

    I have a relative with addiction issues too. I have read extensively on the topic and they are the the only ones who can solve this problem, unfortunately.

    It's great news that they have come to the conclusion that they have a problem. It's a great start.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,208 ✭✭✭sporina


    OP hasn't posted in a while.. i wonder how things are..


Advertisement