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Mr. CooL ICE · 15-06-2017, 17:09

How do you know penguins good race car drivers? Because they are always in pole position.

What do you call 500 penguins in Athlone? Lost.

Why can't penguins fly? Because they are chocolate biscuits.

Original thread here

Rubberlegs · 15-06-2017, 17:18

Why was the egg arrested?
He was walking down the road with his yolk hanging out

What do you say to a constipated cat?
Have a break, have a sh1t, cat.

kupus · 15-06-2017, 17:21

A woman in a hot-air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

“She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be a Republican.”

“I am,” replied the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”

The man smiled and responded, “You must be a Liberal .”

“I am,” replied the balloonist. “How did you know?”

“Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You’ve risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it’s my fault.”

Princess Consuela Bananahammock · 15-06-2017, 17:33

Why don't polar bears eat Penguins?

They can't get teh wrappers off...

blade1 · 15-06-2017, 17:44

How do penguins like their whisky?

On the rocks!

What's a penguin's favorite Mexican dish?

Brrrrrrritos!

buck65 · 15-06-2017, 17:48

What's black and white and red all over....?

Penguin jokes being flogged to death.

blade1 · 15-06-2017, 17:49

Quote:

Originally Posted by buck65

What's black and white and red all over....?

Penguin jokes being flogged to death.

Go way you grumpy balls!!

Hagar7 · 15-06-2017, 18:18

How does an Eskimo mend a broken window?

Igloos it.

Hagar7 · 15-06-2017, 18:19

So I was on a bus when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said "would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some nuts. I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.

After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts.

I asked her, "Why don't you eat them yourself?"
"Because we've got no teeth", she replied.

"Then why do you buy them?", I asked.
"Oh, because we just love the chocolate around them."

Hagar7 · 15-06-2017, 18:20

Absolutely fuming, just been pulled over by the police and as I got out of the car the officer said, "Turn Around" so I replied "Every now and then I get a little bit terrified when I see the look in your eyes", the officer then shouted "TURN AROUND" so I said "Bright Eyes"...... it was at this point I got tasered.

Syphonax · 15-06-2017, 18:36

Coming back home from Boston on Easyjet earlier this year when the American pilot started doing his speech thing "We are now cruising at 35,00 feet" when he was done he forgot to turn off the intercom and went on talking to his co-pilot saying "you know what I could go for right now is a fukin blowjob and a cup of coffee" The stewardess hearing this at the back of the plane goes bombing up to the cockpit and as she passes me I yells to her "Hey stewardess, dont forget the coffee!"

true story

Princess Consuela Bananahammock · 15-06-2017, 18:45

Quote:

Originally Posted by Syphonax

Coming back home from Boston on Easyjet earlier this year when the American pilot started doing his speech thing "We are now cruising at 35,00 feet" when he was done he forgot to turn off the intercom and went on talking to his co-pilot saying "you know what I could go for right now is a fukin blowjob and a cup of coffee" The stewardess hearing this at the back of the plane goes bombing up to the cockpit and as she passes me I yells to her "Hey stewardess, dont forget the coffee!"

true story

Hmmm....

Princess Consuela Bananahammock · 15-06-2017, 18:45

What did the Horse say when he got out of the fridge?

Brrrr....

Princess Consuela Bananahammock · 15-06-2017, 18:46

Dung Beetle wants into a bar - "is this stool taken?"

Syphonax · 15-06-2017, 18:48

Quote:

Originally Posted by Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Hmmm....

Plane was diverted from the North Pole due to penguins

15-06-2017, 17:09	#1
Mr. CooL ICE Registered User Join Date: Jul 1999 Posts: 15,984 Adverts \| Friends	The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread How do you know penguins good race car drivers? Because they are always in pole position. What do you call 500 penguins in Athlone? Lost. Why can't penguins fly? Because they are chocolate biscuits. Original thread here

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15-06-2017, 17:18	#2
Rubberlegs Registered User Join Date: Jul 2009 Posts: 6,392 Adverts \| Friends	Why was the egg arrested? He was walking down the road with his yolk hanging out What do you say to a constipated cat? Have a break, have a sh1t, cat.

15-06-2017, 17:21	#3
kupus Registered User Join Date: Nov 2011 Posts: 4,051 Adverts \| Friends	A woman in a hot-air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.” The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude. “She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be a Republican.” “I am,” replied the man. “How did you know?” “Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.” The man smiled and responded, “You must be a Liberal .” “I am,” replied the balloonist. “How did you know?” “Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You’ve risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it’s my fault.”

15-06-2017, 17:33	#4
Princess Consuela Bananahammock Registered User Join Date: Feb 2006 Posts: 27,052 Adverts \| Friends	Why don't polar bears eat Penguins? They can't get teh wrappers off...

15-06-2017, 17:44	#5
blade1 Registered User Join Date: Nov 2009 Posts: 8,848 Adverts \| Friends	How do penguins like their whisky? On the rocks! What's a penguin's favorite Mexican dish? Brrrrrrritos!

15-06-2017, 17:48	#6
buck65 Join Date: Sep 2006 Posts: 4,917	What's black and white and red all over....? Penguin jokes being flogged to death.

15-06-2017, 18:18	#8
Hagar7 Registered User Join Date: Jul 2014 Posts: 721 Adverts \| Friends	How does an Eskimo mend a broken window? Igloos it.

15-06-2017, 18:19	#9
Hagar7 Registered User Join Date: Jul 2014 Posts: 721 Adverts \| Friends	So I was on a bus when somebody tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around and saw an old lady. She said "would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like." "Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends. A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some nuts. I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat. After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts. I asked her, "Why don't you eat them yourself?" "Because we've got no teeth", she replied. "Then why do you buy them?", I asked. "Oh, because we just love the chocolate around them."

15-06-2017, 18:20	#10
Hagar7 Registered User Join Date: Jul 2014 Posts: 721 Adverts \| Friends	Absolutely fuming, just been pulled over by the police and as I got out of the car the officer said, "Turn Around" so I replied "Every now and then I get a little bit terrified when I see the look in your eyes", the officer then shouted "TURN AROUND" so I said "Bright Eyes"...... it was at this point I got tasered.

15-06-2017, 18:36	#11
Syphonax Registered User Join Date: May 2017 Posts: 438 Adverts \| Friends	Coming back home from Boston on Easyjet earlier this year when the American pilot started doing his speech thing "We are now cruising at 35,00 feet" when he was done he forgot to turn off the intercom and went on talking to his co-pilot saying "you know what I could go for right now is a fukin blowjob and a cup of coffee" The stewardess hearing this at the back of the plane goes bombing up to the cockpit and as she passes me I yells to her "Hey stewardess, dont forget the coffee!" true story

15-06-2017, 18:45	#13
Princess Consuela Bananahammock Registered User Join Date: Feb 2006 Posts: 27,052 Adverts \| Friends	What did the Horse say when he got out of the fridge? Brrrr....

15-06-2017, 18:46	#14
Princess Consuela Bananahammock Registered User Join Date: Feb 2006 Posts: 27,052 Adverts \| Friends	Dung Beetle wants into a bar - "is this stool taken?"