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Wife never interested..... exes

2»

Comments

  • #52
    Coybig_
    Closed Accounts Posts: 454 ✭✭Coybig_


    Esse85 wrote: »
    The only comparisons that should be made are what was our sex life like when we first entered a relationship versus what's it like now? Obviously it'll have been more active pre kids etc.

    That is the important part.

    But to compare it to how often previous ex's had sex with your current partner serves nobody, it's a recipe for disaster, as this situation is proving.

    A recipe for disaster only because it serves up some very uncomfortable truths.

    The point the OP made, was that their sex life was bad at the start too. Yet she had a seemingly thriving sex life with other partners.

    It would, and it should lead the OP to a few realisations about this woman's attraction towards him (spoiler alert: she isnt attracted to him, but he was a reliable, devoted person to build a family with).

    I do not understand why a persons sexual history is irrelevant yet in every other aspect of life, literally every one, we analyse past behaviour and events to give us information in the present day and future. But you cant do that with sexual history for some reason.


  • #53
    Esse85
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,245 ✭✭✭Esse85


    Coybig_ wrote: »
    A recipe for disaster only because it serves up some very uncomfortable truths.

    The point the OP made, was that their sex life was bad at the start too. Yet she had a seemingly thriving sex life with other partners.

    It would, and it should lead the OP to a few realisations about this woman's attraction towards him (spoiler alert: she isnt attracted to him, but he was a reliable, devoted person to build a family with).

    I do not understand why a persons sexual history is irrelevant yet in every other aspect of life, literally every one, we analyse past behaviour and events to give us information in the present day and future. But you cant do that with sexual history for some reason.

    Its 10 year old data.


  • #54
    Ash.J.Williams
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,170 ✭✭✭✭Ash.J.Williams


    Batgurl wrote: »
    3 pregnancies, childbirths and what sounds like breast cancer and a mastectomy? And you wonder why she doesn’t want sex like a women in her 20’s?

    It always amazes men how men still don’t get how that woman’s body changes after kids and how they expect everything to be the same. Add in a mastectomy and the poor woman probably hates her body and sex is the last thing on her mind when she feels like ****.

    Therapy is a good recommendation OP. You should also make an effort to make her feel desirable. Instead of making her feel crap for not making you feel pleasure regularly enough.

    A year though?


  • #55
    Idle Passerby
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,122 ✭✭✭Idle Passerby


    Coybig_ wrote: »
    I do not understand why a persons sexual history is irrelevant yet in every other aspect of life, literally every one, we analyse past behaviour and events to give us information in the present day and future. But you cant do that with sexual history for some reason.

    I don't think its irrelevant per say but I do think it's a bit unsavoury to bring up someone's sexual past as a topic for discussion in a relationship. I think many people would be uncomfortable talking about or listening to details of their/ their partners sex lives prior to the current relationship.

    For starters there are so many variables to render it meaningless. How can someone say "you shagged X a decade ago and liked it so why don't you shag me now."

    That's why I think it's pertinent how this knowledge of her sexual history came about. Did she gleefully tell him in which case you'd have to wonder why. Or did he wheedle it out of her in a bout of insecurity?


  • #56
    NewMan1982
    Closed Accounts Posts: 568 ✭✭✭NewMan1982


    The OP knows she was more sexually active in previous relationships.
    I’m sure he wishes he did not know that but he does.
    It is perfectly natural for him to wonder why and become insecure considering he is unhappy with no sex.
    I don’t think it’s appropriate for him to use that information against his partner but it is certainly understandable that it makes him insecure.


  • #57
    Coybig_
    Closed Accounts Posts: 454 ✭✭Coybig_


    Idle Passerby wrote: »
    I don't think its irrelevant per say but I do think it's a bit unsavoury to bring up someone's sexual past as a topic for discussion in a relationship. I think many people would be uncomfortable talking about or listening to details of their/ their partners sex lives prior to the current relationship.

    For starters there are so many variables to render it meaningless. How can someone say "you shagged X a decade ago and liked it so why don't you shag me now."

    That's why I think it's pertinent how this knowledge of her sexual history came about. Did she gleefully tell him in which case you'd have to wonder why. Or did he wheedle it out of her in a bout of insecurity?

    Sure but she never shagged him. The sex life was non existent the whole time. She was fresh out of relationships with a healthy sex life at the beginning of her and OPs relationship. And she also broke up with him and was having plenty of sex for 6 months.

    Her and him not having sex has been a feature of the entire relationship, which is why we can look at how her behaviour has always been different with him. We aren't just comparing now with 10 years ago, we are comparing 10 years ago with 11 years ago.

    And who cares if he 'wheedled it out of her in a bout of insecurity'? If you spent 10 years being ignored for sex with the exception of her baby making desires, I'd be far more than just insecure about it.


  • #58
    c.p.w.g.w
    Registered Users Posts: 4,994 ✭✭✭c.p.w.g.w


    Just a general observation...Boards seem to have a lot of these threads over the years...

    I have seen it from older work colleagues too...

    Is the demonisation of sex by the church in Ireland an issue here? Seems to be a good bit of once we have the kids that's it, I'm closed for business...

    My BIL is currently having issues, has 2 children (youngest in 3) no sex since that child was conceived...his taking to having an affair because for him the fights about her not wanting to go to councilling are too much...His the sole breadwinner so can't afford to leave


  • #59
    Idle Passerby
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,122 ✭✭✭Idle Passerby


    Coybig_ wrote: »
    Sure but she never shagged him. The sex life was non existent the whole time. She was fresh out of relationships with a healthy sex life at the beginning of her and OPs relationship. And she also broke up with him and was having plenty of sex for 6 months.

    Her and him not having sex has been a feature of the entire relationship, which is why we can look at how her behaviour has always been different with him. We aren't just comparing now with 10 years ago, we are comparing 10 years ago with 11 years ago.

    And who cares if he 'wheedled it out of her in a bout of insecurity'? If you spent 10 years being ignored for sex with the exception of her baby making desires, I'd be far more than just insecure about it.

    I don't disagree. My assumption is she probably never really fancied him. I do think it's relevant how it came up though. If she told him of her own volition it sounds like she's rubbing it in his face or blaming him for not being attractive to her. If he wheedled it out if her that neediness isn't going to help with her lack of attraction.


  • #60
    Kalimah
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,254 ✭✭✭Kalimah


    c.p.w.g.w wrote: »
    Just a general observation...Boards seem to have a lot of these threads over the years...

    I have seen it from older work colleagues too...

    Is the demonisation of sex by the church in Ireland an issue here? Seems to be a good bit of once we have the kids that's it, I'm closed for business...

    My BIL is currently having issues, has 2 children (youngest in 3) no sex since that child was conceived...his taking to having an affair because for him the fights about her not wanting to go to councilling are too much...His the sole breadwinner so can't afford to leave

    God absolutely not the case re the church and I was married and having kids in the 80s. To me it's selfish women ( and men) and nothing else.


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  • #61
    PARlance
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,333 ✭✭✭✭PARlance


    osarusan wrote: »
    Hard for the OP to get it out of their head though.


    For some bizarre reason, when they were still friends, his now-wife told him about how frequently she was having sex with her boyfriends and how much she liked it. He's not going to forget that, and when they became an item, the OP probably imagined that they'd be having much the same sex life.

    It may not be helpful in discussions (and I advised the OP not to mention it), but it's understandable for the OP to wonder why this woman who was once so openly enthusiastic about sex has never shown any similar enthusiasm for sex with him.

    It would probably be better for everybody if she'd never shared that particular piece of information with him.

    The reason is not that bizarre imo. The reason is (unfortunately for the OP) that I don't think his wife saw him as a potential partner for a long time imo. I don't think you mention such things to anyone you see as a potential partner unless you're playing sick games with them... which I don't think is the case.

    Really awkward spot for the OP and feelings go out to him. I don't think the relationship was built on physical attraction from her side at all. Plenty of options now but none too easy.

    However, the major positive is the strong friendship. Many people don't have that either. At least they should hopefully be able to work something out.


  • #62
    cannotlogin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,172 ✭✭✭cannotlogin


    There's a huge focus OP's wife's sex life with others which is basis on some comments she appears to have have made in her 20s and this seems to have shaped most of the discussion....who knows if those comments were even true...we all probably have exaggerated stuff or bent the truth especially at that age.

    She may have lied, she may have settled for the op, she may have zero sex drive, she may not find her husband attractive, she may not even be straight. There are a whole miriad of reasons that she may not be sleeping with her husband.

    The 3 kids & the mastectomy may even be red herrings here as the sex life doesn't ever appears to have been much to begin with except for when there was a desire to conceive.

    The issue is the fact the OP isn't happy with it so the options are:-

    1. Accept it & do nothing
    2. Revisit it with wife again & propose counselling if needed - you can only work on it if she also wants to
    3. Consider an affair (Not recommended but understandable)
    4. Open marraige
    5. Leave

    The first step is talk to her, explain the lack of intimacy is really taking having an impact and that you want to want to discuss it and hopefully address it. Her response will help decide on what to do next but focus on the real issue rather than getting side tracked on her previously potentially amazing sex life.


  • #63
    Esse85
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,245 ✭✭✭Esse85


    cannotlogin wrote: »

    The first step is talk to her, explain the lack of intimacy is really taking having an impact and that you want to want to discuss it and hopefully address it. Her response will help decide on what to do next but focus on the real issue rather than getting side tracked on her previously potentially amazing sex life.

    Sounds like he's tried that as stated in his first post "
    I brought it up recently (have tried to over the years, but ends in a row or false promises of change) that we never do it and that makes me feel rejected and like a failure of a man. She has tried to reassure me, but I know she had no interest in anything resembling weekly/fortnightly sex"


  • #64
    cannotlogin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,172 ✭✭✭cannotlogin


    Esse85 wrote: »
    Sounds like he's tried that as stated in his first post "
    I brought it up recently (have tried to over the years, but ends in a row or false promises of change) that we never do it and that makes me feel rejected and like a failure of a man. She has tried to reassure me, but I know she had no interest in anything resembling weekly/fortnightly sex"

    Agree but he is now at the point where he needs the situation to change and has to lay that out. He needs to tell her he's considering other options at this point and have the discussion whatever the fallout.


  • #65
    Neyite
    Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Mod ✭✭✭✭Neyite


    The way you approached it was your downfall OP How come you aren't shagging me as often as you shagged Dave and John was more or less how you presented it. It's no wonder the conversation ended badly.



    To be honest, if it was me that had had 3 pregnancies, 3 births, rearing 3 primary school aged children, bereavements, and keeping up with all the cancer appointments, treatment, exhaustion, then facing surgery resulting in losing my breasts all the while my husband being jealous that exs from years back because they got to shag me more in my pre-children, pre-cancer days and has a go at me, I'd probably be wondering who I married.



    Instead of letting your jealousy fill in the blanks as to why you aren't getting sex, why not ask her?


  • #66
    Coybig_
    Closed Accounts Posts: 454 ✭✭Coybig_


    Neyite wrote: »
    The way you approached it was your downfall OP How come you aren't shagging me as often as you shagged Dave and John was more or less how you presented it. It's no wonder the conversation ended badly.



    To be honest, if it was me that had had 3 pregnancies, 3 births, rearing 3 primary school aged children, bereavements, and keeping up with all the cancer appointments, treatment, exhaustion, then facing surgery resulting in losing my breasts all the while my husband being jealous that exs from years back because they got to shag me more in my pre-children, pre-cancer days and has a go at me, I'd probably be wondering who I married.



    Instead of letting your jealousy fill in the blanks as to why you aren't getting sex, why not ask her?

    OP states nowhere how he brought up the issue. Putting words into his mouth.

    This was a problem before any of that long list of things that you listed. Nothing in the OPs posts leads us to believe anything other than him being a kind hearted man with normal insecurities, based on information that she willingly provided him, years ago, and a pattern of 0 sexual intercourse going on a decade.

    And the OP stated that he has tried to bring this up repeatedly, and was met with half hearted excuses, promises of change and arguments.

    Think this response is bang out of order.


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  • #67
    Neyite
    Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Mod ✭✭✭✭Neyite


    Coybig_ wrote: »
    OP states nowhere how he brought up the issue. Putting words into his mouth.

    This was a problem before any of that long list of things that you listed. Nothing in the OPs posts leads us to believe anything other than him being a kind hearted man with normal insecurities, based on information that she willingly provided him, years ago, and a pattern of 0 sexual intercourse going on a decade.

    And the OP stated that he has tried to bring this up repeatedly, and was met with half hearted excuses, promises of change and arguments.

    Think this response is bang out of order.

    Yes he did - in the very first post:
    Brian JC wrote: »
    I know that she had more sex with exes and I told her I feel that in a physical sense she preferred then to me..... she was furious and said it is wrong to bring up the past.

    Am I wrong to feel such rejection and am I wrong to feel that she fancied them more?? Am I wrong to even bring it up?

    So I stand by my advice based on his own post. This forum is by its nature the place where an OP can get advice from all angles - and is free to disregard or disagree with any posts as he sees fit. After all, it's only a snapshot we get of a situation, he may feel that my advice is useless to him, as is his prerogative, or I may have given him something to think about - but he gets to decide what's useful or not.


  • #68
    Warbeastrior
    Registered Users Posts: 400 ✭✭Warbeastrior


    OP the context is the issue here. You have to find what works for both of ye. 'Come as you are' by Emily Nagoski is a fantastic book about Female Sexual Well-Being that I think would benefit the both of ye to read.
    It explains couples struggles in relation to sex and how to resolve them.


  • #69
    Katgurl
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,144 ✭✭✭Katgurl


    Op I can possibly offer a little insight. I previously had a very high sex drive and plenty of experience. I've had cancer and very intensive treatment. I'm in early menopause, my libido is in the toilet and the physical act of sex is very painful. I also at one point lost all my hair and gained weight and with them my feeling of femininity.

    I am crazy about my partner. He is gorgeous. Sex is not happening and hasn't been happening much for nearly two years with all of this.

    The difference is that I don't expect him to put up and shut up. My feeling is that he didn't sign up for this. We are getting married when I'm through all this and I worry that with no sex in our relationship we are leaving the door open for feelings / chemistry to develop with somebody else. I talk to him regularly about the fact I appreciate how he hasn't pressurised me. I am working with a doctor on a few suggestions and about to start with a counsellor. Here in Ireland they don't really deal with cancer care and sex. The American Cancer Society do it better.

    Your wife should be acknowledging there is a problem and you should let her know you support her but would like to try and solve it together. You can't be expected to live a celibate life permamently. Open honest communication is the only way.


  • #70
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP it doesn't sound like you ever had a fulfilling sex life with your wife, is that right? It's one thing to go from sex every day to nothing and look at impacting factors like kids, work, stress etc but in your case you started low and outside of trying for kids, it stayed low to non-existent.

    Normally I tell couples they should talk and if they can't resolve the issue to seek professional guidance but in this case OP your not trying to get back something you had, you never had it. You've focused on the fact she had a more active sex life with other people but never with you. You can't get back to something that you didn't have together so I don't think professional guidance will make much of a difference and its a case of accept the relationship as is or leave


  • #71
    99nsr125
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,195 ✭✭✭99nsr125


    guitarhappy wrote: »
    Maybe she'd be just as happy if you got a little something going on the side. No need to mope around forever hoping to change her. Carpe Diem!

    On the AMA thread with an Escort this was the reason for 80% or more of visits


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  • #72
    Warbeastrior
    Registered Users Posts: 400 ✭✭Warbeastrior


    99nsr125 wrote:
    On the AMA thread with an Escort this was the reason for 80% or more of visits

    As in one spouse happy for the husband to get some on the side.
    I well believe it but fudge I could never do that.


  • #73
    Diemos
    Registered Users Posts: 1,417 ✭✭✭Diemos


    Katgurl wrote: »
    Op I can possibly offer a little insight. I previously had a very high sex drive and plenty of experience. I've had cancer and very intensive treatment. I'm in early menopause, my libido is in the toilet and the physical act of sex is very painful. I also at one point lost all my hair and gained weight and with them my feeling of femininity.

    I am crazy about my partner. He is gorgeous. Sex is not happening and hasn't been happening much for nearly two years with all of this.

    The difference is that I don't expect him to put up and shut up. My feeling is that he didn't sign up for this. We are getting married when I'm through all this and I worry that with no sex in our relationship we are leaving the door open for feelings / chemistry to develop with somebody else. I talk to him regularly about the fact I appreciate how he hasn't pressurised me. I am working with a doctor on a few suggestions and about to start with a counsellor. Here in Ireland they don't really deal with cancer care and sex. The American Cancer Society do it better.

    Your wife should be acknowledging there is a problem and you should let her know you support her but would like to try and solve it together. You can't be expected to live a celibate life permamently. Open honest communication is the only way.

    You bring great insight and valid (and personally honest) points.
    However I can't help but feel that, like a number of other posters, you skip over his point.
    He is saying that their sexlife was never what she described her previous ones as and now after all the tests and trials that life has thrown at them, its (understandably) decreased from there.

    I don't feel like the op is blind to what his wife has gone through.
    The OP can correct me if I'm wrong here but he's never had the sex life she shared with others, she has never shown him the same desire. While it bothered him before , the fact that its dwindled to nothing has brought these feelings and insecurities bubbling up, they are not new.

    Female and male sexuality are very different and some times I think we get our wires crossed.
    I've been 'friend's with girls who have done things with me that they said they would never do with a long term partner as they wouldn't want to be seen as 'dirty'. As a guy I find that mindset completely alien.
    Ironically in protecting her image she may hurt the guy she is seeing as if he finds out he's left wondering 'why would she do that with him but not me, am I not good enough?'
    I suppose it's all about communication.

    Good luck op.


  • #74
    skallywag
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,008 ✭✭✭skallywag


    Brian JC wrote: »
    ...The only times we’ve ever had regular sex was for pregnancies...

    There are quite a few factors in play here, but this one really stands out to me. This is most certainly not normal, and not something that I myself would be able to handle in a relationship, in any case. If things were never any different, at any point at all, then it would really get me thinking as to where all this is going.

    One last comment I would have for you OP is to please just ignore the horrific comments that Batgurl made a few pages back re '3 kids, no tits' etc. You get some great genuine advice on this forum, but you do also unfortunately come across such malice here too from time to time.

    All the best.


  • #75
    dubstepper
    Registered Users Posts: 595 ✭✭✭dubstepper


    All that has gone on in your wife's life it is not surprising that she may lack interest. Three kids and a mastectomy are serious, life altering events. I'm male, but can only imagine how damaging to your sexuality getting a mastectomy is. The exs thing is not fair to bring up as an sex life in one's 20s is v different than one later in life.

    It sounds like a very difficult problem to solve but the first step, as Katgurl says, is open and honest communication.


  • #76
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 7,152 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    Mod Note

    I think the OP has plenty to go on here and as they haven't been back in a while, I'm going to close this thread now.

    If you want the thread reopened OP, just let one of the Mod Team know.

    Thanks to all who offered help and advice.

    HS


This discussion has been closed.
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