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Wife never interested..... exes

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  • 04-08-2020 12:31am
    #1
    Brian JC
    Registered Users Posts: 3 ✭


    Really want advice from females here.

    My wife and I are together 10 years and are in late 30s. We have 3 children. We have a happy marriage and are nearly always in the same page.

    When we first met she was in a relationship, but we struck up a good friendship. 4-5 years later we got together (I always fancied her). She had a number boyfriends over that time and I know from what she told me that she had regular sex with one or two of them. She dumped me and we got back together 6 months later. In that time she was with someone else and I know they had regular sex as well.

    The only times we’ve ever had regular sex was for pregnancies.

    When I try it on I always get rejected. I would say we have sex every couple of months at an absolute maximum..,, now it’s been a full year

    Since we got back together she has had a mastectomy and i’ve had bereavements in my immediate family - we’ve had a lot to deal with.

    I brought it up recently (have tried to over the years, but ends in a row or false promises of change) that we never do it and that makes me feel rejected and like a failure of a man. She has tried to reassure me, but I know she had no interest in anything resembling weekly/fortnightly sex.

    I know that she had more sex with exes and I told her I feel that in a physical sense she preferred then to me..... she was furious and said it is wrong to bring up the past.

    Am I wrong to feel such rejection and am I wrong to feel that she fancied them more?? Am I wrong to even bring it up?


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    #2
    Xterminator
    Registered Users Posts: 4,717 ✭✭✭Xterminator


    hi

    you are wrong to bring it up - yes.

    you have a genuine relationship issue - one that has led to your understandable frustration.

    But if you think for one second that using your wife's past sexual history with her exes as a weapon, is a tactic that will improve your situation/relationship then you are dead wrong. the only reason to do this is to hurt her back, so she will feel some of the pain you are feeling, and trust me when i say hurting each other is simply the path you do not want to go down.

    In your place I would get proper relationship therapy to get to the bottom of the underlying issues, and see what can be done, if anything to resurrect your marriage. If your deeply hurt and unhappy with your sex life, then i do not think you do have
    a happy marriage .


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    #3
    Batgurl
    Registered Users Posts: 1,208 ✭✭✭Batgurl


    3 pregnancies, childbirths and what sounds like breast cancer and a mastectomy? And you wonder why she doesn’t want sex like a women in her 20’s?

    It always amazes men how men still don’t get how that woman’s body changes after kids and how they expect everything to be the same. Add in a mastectomy and the poor woman probably hates her body and sex is the last thing on her mind when she feels like ****.

    Therapy is a good recommendation OP. You should also make an effort to make her feel desirable. Instead of making her feel crap for not making you feel pleasure regularly enough.


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    #4
    harr
    Registered Users Posts: 4,478 ✭✭✭harr


    You are talking about something that happened in the past , a different life completely, no kids , no illness so I would leave your wife’s past in the past as it has no bearing on your current situation whatsoever and she is right to be pissed at you for suggesting that.
    You say you have a good marriage and that’s important and yes the physical aspect is more important to some but you seem to be taking it very personally as if your wife is punishing you by withdrawing sex ..
    It sounds like your wife has been through a lot over the last number of years and it could be something she needs to work out before things go any further and the more pressure you put on her the more she has to deal with .
    I would suggest if she is open to the concept of seeking counselling , first her on her own and then as couple.
    You also seems to very preoccupied with the amount of sexual encounters your wife had in the past before you were married .. that’s seems unhealthy especially after 10 years of marriage.


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    #5
    Clare Kat
    Registered Users Posts: 67 ✭✭Clare Kat


    Kindness and compassion is a wonderful aphrodisiac. I’m sure she’s not feeling the most attractive with all that’s going on in her life. Unlike men, women can’t just turn it on. I understand you’re frustrated, but she’s probably so exhausted at the end of the day and the last thing she needs as she’s collapsing in to bed is pressure from her partner to have sex. Sometimes a woman just wants to be held without it having to lead to sex. Maybe get a voucher for the spa, hairdresser or just lunch with friends ( difficult with Covid I know). Sounds to me she could do with a break. The last thing she needs is having to reassure her partner that it’s not him as he reflects on her previous sexual history. You will drive yourself mad with this and it’s apples and oranges to be honest. While I realize you are very attracted to her, just as you were when she was with someone else, she’s not the same person. She has different responsibilities and indeed a different body which might make no odds to you, but all the world to her. Just be patient and kind. I know it’s hard, but this is less about you and more about all that’s going on with her.


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    #6
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    I agree with the other replies but I have to say it's strange that ye didn't get together after her first relationship broke down and she went on to have other relationships before setting down with you, I just feel that if there really was a huge spark between ye then she would have wanted to go out with you sooner . I'm just giving another slant on it but I totally agree that after having kids things can change but you said that you felt it was always only on the cards in order to get pregnant so that would be before kids and illness.
    I don't like to say it but it is a possibility that she likes everything about you but settled for someone that she really likes but may not actually feel very attracted to....I hope this doesn't sound harsh, just throwing a possibility out there .


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    #7
    JCDUB
    Registered Users Posts: 1,225 ✭✭✭JCDUB


    Batgurl wrote: »
    And you wonder why she doesn’t want sex like a women in her 20’s?

    Therapy is a good recommendation OP.

    OP never said his wife doesn't want sex like a woman in her 20s.
    He said she doesn't want sex, at all.
    It has been a year since they've made love.
    There is a massive difference between having sex like a person in their 20s and not at all.
    I think the OP is looking for some middle ground, not a 20yo nymphomaniac.

    I do agree that therapy is the right move here, somewhere to speak about relationship issues in a regulated, honest and fair way.

    I can see both sides of the coin here. Maybe some date nights, meals, treats, massages (with no expectation of sex) might go a long way to helping redevelop some intimacy?

    Best of luck OP, be patient and kind, you guys will work this out.


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    #8
    Brian JC
    Registered Users Posts: 3 ✭Brian JC


    I do try to make her feel good about herself. Small things like making sure she always gets lie ins at the weekend, making sure she gets time to herself when I’m home. I buy her her favorite chocs and flowers regularly (always have done). Almost daily I tell her how good she looks (honestly with no hidden agenda).
    When we moved in together she shared details around how regularly it happened with 2 of her exes and that she really liked it. I think she was so used to seeing me as a friend.
    I guess I feel that I’ve only been useful for pregnancies.
    Even before her issues (mastectomy for genetic reasons) we never had it anywhere near as much as those exes.
    It’s difficult because now she shows no interest in it at all.
    I feel that I was never as important in a sexual way to her and will never feel what it’s like for her to be as attracted to me.
    I wish she never told me all that she did about them.


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    #9
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    How long ago was the surgery OP?

    That has to have an absolutely huge impact on her and sense of self.


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    #10
    TheChizler
    Registered Users Posts: 9,412 ✭✭✭TheChizler


    I get that you might be feeling that when she was others she seemed to be more sexual and when she's not now the problem is you, I think it's fairly understandable and valid that you might feel that way. But as others have said try to remember you're not the only change, lots of very significant things have happened to her that affect these things. Try to think of the obvious positive, she ended up wanting to be with you, that's why they're exes.


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    #11
    Brian JC
    Registered Users Posts: 3 ✭Brian JC


    I do try to make her feel good about herself. Small things like making sure she always gets lie ins at the weekend, making sure she gets time to herself when I’m home. I buy her her favorite chocs and flowers regularly (always have done). Almost daily I tell her how good she looks (honestly with agenda).
    Even before pregnancies or surgery (genetic reasons) we rarely did it.

    When we moved in together she told me about how much she liked it with 2 exes and that she would do it with them very often. I wish she never shared that with me.

    I feel like she never was as attracted to me and that hurts.

    If she thought I preferred other girls and never showed her the same interest I am sure she wouldn’t like it.

    I guess the main thing aside from what she shared with me is that I am just useful for pregnancies and should be thankful it’s happening at all after that


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    #12
    NewMan1982
    Closed Accounts Posts: 568 ✭✭✭NewMan1982


    The OP has said there was hardly any sex between them before all that stuff happened.
    I don’t understand why everyone is trying to make him sound selfish.
    Not having regular sex in a relationship would be a deal breaker for me.
    There needs to be compromise from both sides and I agree counselling sounds like the best step.
    It sounds like he has made all the compromise so far.


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    #13
    Clare Kat
    Registered Users Posts: 67 ✭✭Clare Kat


    Brian JC wrote: »
    I do try to make her feel good about herself. Small things like making sure she always gets lie ins at the weekend, making sure she gets time to herself when I’m home. I buy her her favorite chocs and flowers regularly (always have done). Almost daily I tell her how good she looks (honestly with no hidden agenda).
    When we moved in together she shared details around how regularly it happened with 2 of her exes and that she really liked it. I think she was so used to seeing me as a friend.
    I guess I feel that I’ve only been useful for pregnancies.
    Even before her issues (mastectomy for genetic reasons) we never had it anywhere near as much as those exes.
    It’s difficult because now she shows no interest in it at all.
    I feel that I was never as important in a sexual way to her and will never feel what it’s like for her to be as attracted to me.
    I wish she never told me all that she did about them.

    Fair enough Brian, you seem like a genuinely nice guy and very good husband material. Not sure why your wife told you all about her sexual past, but it certainly seems to have had a lasting impression. It’s not healthy for any relationship to make comparisons. Maybe she had a completely different sexual history with her exes, but at the end of the day... she chose you. Perhaps when she shared those experiences she wanted you to be more adventurous in the bedroom... I have no idea. What it has done is made you feel second fiddle at least in terms of the bedroom. Couples therapy sounds like a wonderful idea. Just a thought have you ever actually shared your feelings with her and by that I mean on a note/ card as opposed to when you are both lying close and you’ve already prepared yourself to be rejected. She might have a different perspective on it if it was addressed in a neutral setting. Its not a nice feeling to be rejected, especially if you are trying to do everything right. You are both very young. I do hope things improve for you both.


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    #14
    Batgurl
    Registered Users Posts: 1,208 ✭✭✭Batgurl


    JCDUB wrote: »
    OP never said his wife doesn't want sex like a woman in her 20s.
    He said she doesn't want sex, at all.
    It has been a year since they've made love.

    3 kids, a mastectomy and a global pandemic probably causing her untold anxiety, I think most people would cut the woman some slack for not prioritising sex in the last 12 months.

    Don’t get me wrong, I value sex very highly in a relationship. And I don’t begrudge the OP for wanting it more regularly. But he’s approaching this completely wrong. Comparing himself to her exes. His morbid fascination with her past. It’s unhealthy and probably inflaming the situation.

    Edited to add: OP maybe you could benefit from some solo therapy to work through your feelings too. You clearly harbour some deep resentment towards your wife for her past life choices.


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    #15
    osarusan
    Registered Users Posts: 16,553 ✭✭✭✭osarusan


    Male perspective here.

    Her telling you how regular/great her sex life was with other guys is just weird, even when you were just friends, and she can hardly expect you to forget that. My advice is to not talk about that in discussions though - don't compare with other relationships, just keep it focused on her feelings for you, and why those feelings so rarely extend to sexual attraction.


    I don't see anything unreasonable about a guy wishing that his partner would be attracted to him in the same way as he is to her.

    Seems like firstly, she isn't really all that attracted to you sexually (anymore? ever?), and secondly, this lack of attraction isn't something that bothers her, isn't something she sees as an issue to be resolved.

    OP, you said that when this discussion happens, she 'tries to reassure you', but what does that actually mean? What does she actually say?


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    #16
    cannotlogin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,172 ✭✭✭cannotlogin


    Batgurl wrote: »
    3 kids, no tits

    Do you have an idea how offensive your post is to anyone who has ever required a mastectomy? I'm not one to get offended often but you really have zero tact, intelligence, compassion or maturity.

    I cannot believe this is considered an acceptable comment on this forum.


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    #17
    Augme
    Registered Users Posts: 5,162 ✭✭✭Augme


    You are not wrong at all to bring it up. A sexless marraige is a huge issue. And some of the justifications for your wives lack of interest in the 10 years you have been married are a bit strange.

    Your wife seems to have made no effort or attempt to change anything or improve the situation or look into reasons why this might be happening which is very worrying. If she really cared or felt it was important she would at least make some effort rather than empty promises and lies.

    I don't she an issue with bringing up her past sex life as I assume the reason you know about it is because she told you in the first place so she can hardly take the high horse on that one. Sounds like she is though in an attempt to shut down the conversation which again is very worrying as it seems she just wants to keep going with a sexless marraige and she is expecting you to give in and accept that.

    You need to have a long hard think about what you think the future of this marraige is going to look like and what you want your future to be.

    I would normally suggest therapy but she seems beyond that tbh. I would expect her to refuse or say yes just to appease you with the intention of never changing. People can only change if they recognise there is an issue and the big problem is she thinks a year without sex isn't an issue.

    Maybe it is time to think life without your wife or discuss the idea of you finding someone else who will give you what you want.


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    #18
    Batgurl
    Registered Users Posts: 1,208 ✭✭✭Batgurl


    cannotlogin wrote: »
    Do you have an idea how offensive your post is to anyone who has ever required a mastectomy? I'm not one to get offended often but you really have zero fact, intelligence, compassion or maturity.

    I cannot believe this is considered an acceptable comment on this forum.

    Very familiar with the feelings a procedure like this creates actually! The OP doesn’t seem to be though.

    Thank you though for proving how emotive a topic it can be. Now imagine how his wife feels.


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    #19
    cannotlogin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,172 ✭✭✭cannotlogin


    Batgurl wrote: »
    Very familiar with the feelings a procedure like this creates actually! The OP doesn’t seem to be though.

    Thank you though for proving how emotive a topic it can be. Now imagine how his wife feels.

    He didn't make the comment you did. At least own it. Did it ever occur to you that maybe if she is feeling self conscious or inadequate it's related to comments such as yours?

    This is off topic and not helping the op so I'm out.


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    #20
    Batgurl
    Registered Users Posts: 1,208 ✭✭✭Batgurl


    cannotlogin wrote: »
    He didn't make the comment you did. At least own it. Did it ever occur to you that maybe if she is feeling self conscious or inadequate it's related to comments such as yours?

    This is off topic and not helping the op so I'm out.

    I’ll absolutely own it. As do others I know who say it.

    I think I’ve absolutely helped the OP by sharing my insights. I hope he finds it useful and takes on board both our messages.


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    #21
    Clare Kat
    Registered Users Posts: 67 ✭✭Clare Kat


    osarusan wrote: »
    You are dealing with a re-reg troll who has created literally thousands of accounts to spread their alpha-male PUA garbage. Ignore them, they and their posts (and yours, and mine) will be nuked soon.

    For your information I just signed up to boards recently and you might want to look at my earlier responses to this post. I’ve beeb quite sympathetic to Brian, and have made some suggestions unlike yourself who prefers to attack my post. I feel sorry for you.


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    #22
    laserlad2010
    Registered Users Posts: 514 ✭✭✭laserlad2010


    Hi OP, this is a difficult situation.

    I think that the worrying sign was the level of sex before children - your wife didn't seem to have the most vigorous appetite then.
    It's very common that couples would have sexual difficulties after children and this is compounded by the fact that your wife has had a mastectomy.
    I couldn't possibly comprehend what it's like but I understand that for some women losing their breasts can destroy their idea of their own femininity and that can be difficult to deal with.

    On the other hand, you've posted for advice, not your wife. I would ignore the aggressive comments about "3 kids, no tits" in an attempt to shame you for your feelings.
    It can be troubling to compare yourself to previous partners but it really is pointless, as you are comparing younger versions of yourselves with older.

    Your wife has clearly established the level of sexual activity with which she is comfortable, i.e. none.
    That is not acceptable for you - so you initially should try to address that (which you have)
    I would recommend assessing your relationship to ensure that you benefit equally in terms of workload, and then go the extra mile to ensure that she is well supported. Give her space and support to rediscover her own libido.
    If your sexual activity doesn't improve after this, then you must decide whether you are happy to continue in this vein, or whether you want to pursue sexual and personal happiness elsewhere - I must stress that you need to be truthful and honest with yourself and your wife in this regard.

    It is perfectly acceptable to separate and continue to support your wife so that she can continue to live her life as she chooses (which she is currently doing) and you can begin to live your life as you choose (which you are not doing).


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    #23
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,943 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    Mod Note

    Valentia Orange and LillySV gender generalisations are not welcome here in PI/RI. Please read the Charter before posting here again.

    Osarusan - please do not call someone out as a troll as it drags the thread off topic. Report the post and the Mod team will deal with it as/if appropriate.

    Batgurl - I've amended your post as I do find that phrase to be slightly harsh and it only serves to drag the thread off topic rather than keeping the focus on advising the OP.

    All posters are reminded when replying to a thread in PI/RI that you must do so in a manner that offers constructive, civil and mature advice to the OP. If you cannot do that, please refrain from posting.

    The Charter can be found
    here. Please read before posting.

    Thanks

    HS


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    #24
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    While I'm not saying that has happened here, I do think some women settle for the steadier, less exciting, more reliable guy to have a family with when they get older. Whether this is subconcious or not, I don't know.om I know one case of a friend where it was deliberate.

    OP, I don't know if there is much you can do other then seek counselling and again try and talk to your partner about how you feel about your lack of a sex life. I do believe that no one should have to live in a marriage where they are regularly made to feel rejected, and frankly, I think having young kids as an excuse to avoid having a sex life is trotted out too easily.


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    #25
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,943 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    Mod Note

    Internet Police if you cannot meet the standard expected here in PI, please do not post again.


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    #26
    bee06
    Registered Users Posts: 4,514 ✭✭✭bee06


    OP, the fact that you’ve never had a regular sex life is a huge red flag plus her telling you all about her other relationships ... that’s very strange.

    It’s normal to get into a rut after babies for many reasons but to be honest it kind of sounds like she only got together with you so she could have kids.

    I think you need to decide if you are ok to keep going the way you are or end the marriage because I’d be surprised if she is just going to change now.


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    #27
    Clare Kat
    Registered Users Posts: 67 ✭✭Clare Kat


    Clare Kat wrote: »
    For your information I just signed up to boards recently and you might want to look at my earlier responses to this post. I’ve beeb quite sympathetic to Brian, and have made some suggestions unlike yourself who prefers to attack my post. I feel sorry for you.

    My apologies osarusan. That was meant for Valencia Orange


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    #28
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,943 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    Mod Note

    Internet Police do not post in this thread again


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    #29
    blue note
    Registered Users Posts: 4,505 ✭✭✭blue note


    It's a big problem OP, sorry if you were hoping it was a simple one to fix.

    I see you've already gotten the advice of essentially trying to woo her. From reading these threads it's the first thing guys generally try. You've tried talking to her and she's turned it back on you or made promises to try and not followed through.

    Bringing up the exes was a terrible idea. All you can do is apologise for that and not being out up again. If you do get into a conversation about the lack of sex again apologise and move on. Don't let the whole conversation be about that. There's a bigger issue that does need a resolution.

    If talking between you hasn't helped, maybe a relationship sex therapist can. It might focus her and force her to deal with it. I'm assuming you're willing to do just about anything for it but she hasn't really given anything yet.

    If she won't agree to that, there's a good chance your options are a sexless marriage (which some people are okay with) or looking at a change. Very complicated of course especially with the kids. But if I was in your shoes I'd want to make a decision on it, even if that decision is to be in a sexless marriage.

    Good luck OP.


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    #30
    Kalimah
    Registered Users Posts: 1,103 ✭✭✭Kalimah


    Probably don't bring up exes again OP. It's not a good idea. I think some others might have hit the nail on the head, as difficult as it is to hear it, and that is you are the one she settled for. You sound like a nice guy, but not having sex for a year in a marriage is not right. I'm married well over 30 years and probably am approaching twice your age, and if I thought there was to be no more sex ever again....

    Sex and intimacy is a huge part of a successful marriage, and in a sense it's part of the contract between two people with exceptions on occasion of course! I really feel for you OP. You will have to talk to her and lay your cards on the table and tell her you're very unhappy about the situation.

    Someone else said earlier that the excuse of having young kids is trotted out too easily to avoid sex, and that I totally agree with.


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    #31
    bitofabind
    Registered Users Posts: 939 ✭✭✭bitofabind


    It's not a nice thing to hear, but I'm getting a sense that the woman chose the solid reliable guy to settle down and have a family with, and minimised the importance of sexual attraction. If sex was never a regular thing, and there's clear evidence that she's not asexual and had a healthy drive with other men, only has sex with her husband to get pregnant - it's a bit of a walks like a duck, quacks like a duck situation to me.

    The pregnancies and mastectomy are immaterial, the OP's wife wasn't having sex with him before these events either. If it suddenly stopped or the pattern dramatically changed after, then it'd be relevant.

    OP - this sounds soul-destroying. I can't imagine living with that much rejection, feeling like you can't be intimate with your wife, and then getting nowhere when you try to bring it up.

    I'd urge you to think about what life will look like years down the road if this doesn't change. Can you live without sex indefinitely? What would that do to your sense of self-esteem and self-confidence? Will resentment and anger grow? If this is really a deal-breaker for you, you need to express how incredibly painful and intolerable this is to your wife and come to an agreement on what you do next as a couple. Solid next steps with a timeline, not some wishy washy promise to change. Maybe therapy, individual as well as couples', maybe a schedule, maybe a trial separation. She needs to know what's at stake if she doesn't change.


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