Ashamed of my scum actions

Petej89 · 31-05-2021 11:07am #1

Hi all,

I’m not even sure how to describe this. It makes no sense to me and I’m ashamed of myself for being like this. It’s complete scum but I can’t help myself.

I am 31 and in a long term relationship. Relationship for the most part is good. We have a good life, house, stable jobs, holiday a few times a year. We are due to get married next year and busy planning the rest of our lives, kids etc. I love her and she’s a great person, certainly a better person than me.

I don’t even know how to properly describe this but the problem is I have this weird obsession with female attention. Not directed towards myself specifically. I’m embarrassed to say that I create fake dating profile accounts to talk to girls. I like to get to the point where we talk about sex and to see that other side of women. What they like/dislike etc. I never have any intention or interest in meeting up with them and have no interest in actually cheating but I get a thrill from these interactions. I think I’m a freak for being into this, it’s so messed up. I only do it when I’m masturbating and as soon as I’m finished I delete the app and feel ashamed.

I can’t explain it, it’s the most f**ked up thing I’ve ever heard. Who does this? I can’t even understand it myself. It’s a scum thing to do, I know it’s incredibly unfair on my girlfriend and also to the women on the dating apps. I hate myself after it and don’t do it for weeks/months but invariably fall back into it again.

I don’t know what to do, I feel like I’m going to ruin my life but also my girlfriends life because of this. I can’t even explain to myself why I do it. It seems so crazy even to myself.

I don’t know what I’m expecting here, maybe someone else has done something like this or maybe I just needed to say it out loud to try and make some sense out of it. I don’t even know how or where to seek help for this

Jequ0n · 31-05-2021 12:30pm

I don’t see anything wrong with it tbh, it’s not like you are hurting someone.
Chances are that the people behind the other dating profiles are as fake as your own account and doing the same thing
Maybe have a think what you are missing and what your hobby satisfies.

mistress_gi · 31-05-2021 12:41pm

Having been on the other end of this behaviour, i still see nothing wrong with it as long as you are open about it.
I was caught completely by surprise and, of course, the relantioship did not last, if i had known about it it probably wouldn't have been a big deal.
I can only suggest you either come clean with it and deal with the consequences, if any, or stop doing it. I would also suggest putting yourself on your partners shoes, would you be ok if they did the same thing?
It's all about what you, as a couple, find acceptable, as long as you are bothe ok with it and it's not illegal (i can't stress this part enough

) it's no one else's business

tjc28 · 31-05-2021 12:42pm

first off don't be thinking you're scum. that won't help you. it's far from the worst thing you could do to your gf. in saying that it's still not cool and not fair to the other women either. you recognise its an issue so thats good. the urge to do it comes from somewhere and it isn't making you happy within yourself. maybe you should consider speaking with a counsellor to establish why you do it and how to manage it

zerosugarbuzz · 31-05-2021 12:44pm

Petej89 wrote: »

Hi all,

I’m not even sure how to describe this. It makes no sense to me and I’m ashamed of myself for being like this. It’s complete scum but I can’t help myself.

I am 31 and in a long term relationship. Relationship for the most part is good. We have a good life, house, stable jobs, holiday a few times a year. We are due to get married next year and busy planning the rest of our lives, kids etc. I love her and she’s a great person, certainly a better person than me.

I don’t even know how to properly describe this but the problem is I have this weird obsession with female attention. Not directed towards myself specifically. I’m embarrassed to say that I create fake dating profile accounts to talk to girls. I like to get to the point where we talk about sex and to see that other side of women. What they like/dislike etc. I never have any intention or interest in meeting up with them and have no interest in actually cheating but I get a thrill from these interactions. I think I’m a freak for being into this, it’s so messed up. I only do it when I’m masturbating and as soon as I’m finished I delete the app and feel ashamed.

I can’t explain it, it’s the most f**ked up thing I’ve ever heard. Who does this? I can’t even understand it myself. It’s a scum thing to do, I know it’s incredibly unfair on my girlfriend and also to the women on the dating apps. I hate myself after it and don’t do it for weeks/months but invariably fall back into it again.

I don’t know what to do, I feel like I’m going to ruin my life but also my girlfriends life because of this. I can’t even explain to myself why I do it. It seems so crazy even to myself.

I don’t know what I’m expecting here, maybe someone else has done something like this or maybe I just needed to say it out loud to try and make some sense out of it. I don’t even know how or where to seek help for this

There is probably plenty on those sites doing the same, I was expecting much worse from the title of the thread. However, it is causing you distress an would most likely end your relationship if your girlfriend finds out. It also seems to be a compulsion much like an addiction that you can’t control the way you want to. I would suggest you see a councillor that specialises in behaviours. It will at the very least be a step in the right direction and may help you. I think the governing body is iacp.ie their website might point you in the right direction.

Petej89 · 31-05-2021 12:59pm

Thanks for all the replies.

Yes it is much like an addiction. In the plain light of day it seems so messed up and stupid and I’m ashamed of it. I can’t explain it and it’d definitely be the end of my relationship.

I don’t even know what causes it because it’s not something I want to act on. When I go out I’ve no interest in sleeping with other people. I feel like it’s an attention thing but I can’t explain that either as it’s not even directed at me.

What sort of councilling would I even attend to sort a problem like this

Petej89 · 31-05-2021 1:03pm

mistress_gi wrote: »

Having been on the other end of this behaviour, i still see nothing wrong with it as long as you are open about it.
I was caught completely by surprise and, of course, the relantioship did not last, if i had known about it it probably wouldn't have been a big deal.
I can only suggest you either come clean with it and deal with the consequences, if any, or stop doing it. I would also suggest putting yourself on your partners shoes, would you be ok if they did the same thing?
It's all about what you, as a couple, find acceptable, as long as you are bothe ok with it and it's not illegal (i can't stress this part enough ) it's no one else's business

No I would not be ok with it. I’d be disgusted if I’m being honest. I know it’s not fair and not right. I don’t want to continue to do it. I make an effort not to do it for months but then I lapse back in for no apparent reason at all.

YellowLead · 31-05-2021 2:35pm

Petej89 wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies.

Yes it is much like an addiction. In the plain light of day it seems so messed up and stupid and I’m ashamed of it. I can’t explain it and it’d definitely be the end of my relationship.

I don’t even know what causes it because it’s not something I want to act on. When I go out I’ve no interest in sleeping with other people. I feel like it’s an attention thing but I can’t explain that either as it’s not even directed at me.

What sort of councilling would I even attend to sort a problem like this

Can you explain what you mean when you say the attention isn’t directed at you? I don’t understand how it couldn’t be - aren’t you the one using the apps for the interaction?

I think any counsellor would be a good start, they could refer you to a specialist service if needs be.

Do you like to flirt with women when out and about in bars for example (pre pandemic) and this is just sort of like an online version of that?

sineadoc88 · 31-05-2021 2:40pm

I found myself on the other side of this a couple of years ago. My then boyfriend (now husband) was on tinder under a different alias. When I found it I was initially sickened by what I was reading. He was like a different person online in the shadows. I read more though and it became clear he never had any intention to meet up with these women. It would always result in a few dialogs and that would be it. We had a massive row and he felt horribly about it and said he didn’t understand it himself, that it was something he would do every now and then but always felt awful after. No excuse for the lies mind you

Since then a friend of mine found the same thing with her husband. He actually came forward and told her. It sounds like the same thing OP. I can’t answer why it’s happening, my friends husband had councilling for it but i think you should tell your girlfriend about it so you two can help you through it.

I wish you the best and don’t beat yourself up too much about it, although it’s a betrayal of trust it’s not the same as actually physically cheating on your partner

Petej89 · 31-05-2021 2:48pm

YellowLead wrote: »

Can you explain what you mean when you say the attention isn’t directed at you? I don’t understand how it couldn’t be - aren’t you the one using the apps for the interaction?

I think any counsellor would be a good start, they could refer you to a specialist service if needs be.

Do you like to flirt with women when out and about in bars for example (pre pandemic) and this is just sort of like an online version of that?

Yes I’m using it but it’s a fake profile, so in their eyes it’s not me they’re speaking to or responding to. It’s some random persons photos etc.

Regarding the flirting, not really. I’d be a sociable person, I enjoy having the craic and like anyone I enjoy positive attention but I don’t thrive off chatting to girls or have any real interest on nights out to be honest. I’m happy in my relationship. I love my girlfriend, obviously after 6-7 years it’s not the same as the first 6 months but I’m very content and couldn’t imagine being with anyone else. But then I have this other side, that only comes out for small periods but I know it’s so wrong

YellowLead · 31-05-2021 2:59pm

Petej89 wrote: »

Yes I’m using it but it’s a fake profile, so in their eyes it’s not me they’re speaking to or responding to. It’s some random persons photos etc.

Regarding the flirting, not really. I’d be a sociable person, I enjoy having the craic and like anyone I enjoy positive attention but I don’t thrive off chatting to girls or have any real interest on nights out to be honest. I’m happy in my relationship. I love my girlfriend, obviously after 6-7 years it’s not the same as the first 6 months but I’m very content and couldn’t imagine being with anyone else. But then I have this other side, that only comes out for small periods but I know it’s so wrong

I would argue that even though you are using fake profiles you are the one chatting so presumably you love messages you get, you enjoy the interaction sexually.
I know you love your girlfriend- but is there anything you could do to spice up the sex life, role play?
Admittedly talking to a therapist will be best as they will help you understand the why behind the need for extra sexual thrills and help you deal with guilt/make a plan to move forward whether that’s confessing/apologising to your partner or not.

Petej89 · 31-05-2021 3:38pm

YellowLead wrote: »

I would argue that even though you are using fake profiles you are the one chatting so presumably you love messages you get, you enjoy the interaction sexually.
I know you love your girlfriend- but is there anything you could do to spice up the sex life, role play?
Admittedly talking to a therapist will be best as they will help you understand the why behind the need for extra sexual thrills and help you deal with guilt/make a plan to move forward whether that’s confessing/apologising to your partner or not.

Sorry, I misunderstood. You’re right it is the interaction I seem to thrive off. I think it’s like reading the agony aunt sections where they’re sexual but I get a buzz off it being people that live in my locality. Its only for those few minutes or whatever, it’s not something that even enters my head for the rest of the day.

There’s nothing in the sex lift that I’d want tbh, that’s why it doesn’t make sense to me. I wish I knew why, if it was sexual and I wasn’t attracted to my girlfriend that’d make sense but that’s not the case at all.

YellowLead · 31-05-2021 3:41pm

Petej89 wrote: »

Sorry, you’re right it is the interaction I seem to thrive off. Again it’s only for those few minutes or whatever, it’s not something that even enters my head for the rest of the day.

There’s nothing in the sex lift that I’d want tbh, that’s why it doesn’t make sense to me. I wish I knew why, if it was sexual and I wasn’t attracted to my girlfriend that’d make sense but that’s not the case at all.

You may be still very attracted to your gf but is there a discrepancy between appetites, as in are you both into the same frequency?
It sounds like it’s prob just the thrill of something new that gets you off. You could try role plays with your partner - dressing up etc, exchanging texts like you two are strangers meeting for sex, etc. Not saying that is the answer, but some of that might help? Obviously your partner would need to be on board.

The J Stands for Jay · 31-05-2021 3:45pm

Petej89 wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies.

Yes it is much like an addiction. In the plain light of day it seems so messed up and stupid and I’m ashamed of it. I can’t explain it and it’d definitely be the end of my relationship.

I don’t even know what causes it because it’s not something I want to act on. When I go out I’ve no interest in sleeping with other people. I feel like it’s an attention thing but I can’t explain that either as it’s not even directed at me.

What sort of councilling would I even attend to sort a problem like this

Could you replace this addiction with your fiancé? Role play chatting her up online instead? Maybe both set up private Instagram profiles and only follow each other. Use them as a sort of fake tinder profile and message each other. Change up her pictures every so often so it's like a new girl?

LegacyUser · 31-05-2021 4:30pm

hi OP. I did similar like 3 times on an app while with my last gf, I had been drinking each time and had no intention of meeting anyone. Anyway the last time I did it she found out, I wont go into how she found out, but that was the end of the relationship. A couple of years later and I still miss her all the time and obviously regret my actions.
I didn't and I'm sure you don't mean any harm but this would understandably be a line you don't cross for I would say most people, so either quit now or come clean or it could be the end of your relationship.

Goodigal · 31-05-2021 4:37pm

Not judging OP because I don't really think it's a scumbag thing to do. There are many worse things than this. You're getting something from it and it serves a purpose intermittently. But your girlfriend would of course be horrified. As would the women you're fake chatting with.

Do you miss the chase? I find my married friends are v interested in dating apps and often say, give me a look at your app just for the craic! They don't realise how much of a pain it is!! But if sexting is what you've realised you enjoy, see if your lovely partner would be up for it instead. It's fun!

However seeking help from a counsellor might be wise if it's something you feel you can't step away from. They can explore the reasons behind it more.

Jequ0n · 31-05-2021 4:43pm

Speaking from experience. You could try the tame and legit “tell your gf and find a compromise” route as others suggested. It might not work though because it lacks the forgotten element which turns it into a thrill seek. Have you tried replacing the habit with something else that gives you a kick?

Also: is there a pattern when you need the extra attention, like when you are bored or frustrated?

Petej89 · 31-05-2021 5:18pm

I want to quit. I genuinely do because I’m not really getting anyhing from it. Much like watching porn, it’s just a bit of a thrill for a short period of time. But every time I do it I feel sick, usually after a few times I stop for a few months but I slip back again. It’s like an addiction, and I don’t think I’ve an addictive personality, don’t smoke, gamble or do drugs, rarely drink but this is essentially an addiction because I know it’s a negative but I still do it. That’s the part that makes me sick!

I don’t miss the chase to be honest, I think (and this is just from expressing it now on here) that it’s more to do with the agony aunt sort of aspect. I like hearing about what women find a turn on etc, but a bit like porn, it’s only a thrill when it’s not made up or staged, hence I only like the homemade stuff embarrassingly enough.

It might sound like sound a small problem but I really feel awful because I know how sick I’d be if the shoe was on the other foot.

YellowLead · 31-05-2021 5:21pm

Petej89 wrote: »

I want to quit. I genuinely do because I’m not really getting anyhing from it. Much like watching porn, it’s just a bit of a thrill for a short period of time. But every time I do it I feel sick, usually after a few times I stop for a few months but I slip back again. It’s like an addiction, and I don’t think I’ve an addictive personality, don’t smoke, gamble or do drugs, rarely drink but this is essentially an addiction because I know it’s a negative but I still do it. That’s the part that makes me sick!

I don’t miss the chase to be honest, I think (and this is just from expressing it now on here) that it’s more to do with the agony aunt sort of aspect. I like hearing about what women find a turn on etc, but a bit like porn, it’s only a thrill when it’s not made up or staged, hence I only like the homemade stuff embarrassingly enough.

It might sound like sound a small problem but I really feel awful because I know how sick I’d be if the shoe was on the other foot.

You can find real life discussion forums such as Reddit where women talk about what turns them on etc.
Alternatively - is this not something you can bring your partner in on to participate in with you??? So called ‘dirty’ talk? Role play could surely be beneficial.

TheadoreT · 31-05-2021 5:34pm

I think a common characteristic of men who set up fake profiles is that they feel a bit emasculated in thier day to day life and feel they can dawn a new persona where they feel they've more power over things than they do themselves in reality .

Is there sex often in your relationship?

Jequ0n · 31-05-2021 5:44pm

I wonder is it some type of voyeurism if you mainly get a kick out of people telling you about their kinks?

Petej89 · 31-05-2021 5:56pm

I don’t think it’s being emasculated. I genuinely don’t feel like that in my day to day life. We still have plenty of sex. I don’t think it’s a subconscious confidence thing either. I’d agree more with the voyeur, I don’t actively want to watch real life couples but I find it a big turn on knowing what women genuinely think or feel sexually.

I wasn’t aware of the Reddit discussion to be honest. But this is what I mean, I’m the one doing it and I still can’t explain it. I actually feel like such a fraud and a freak.

YellowLead · 31-05-2021 6:01pm

There’s no need to feel like either a fraud or a freak. Sounds like you need some counselling to target your self esteem/self awareness too, which could help deal with feeling like a freak.

Also - just because you are having sex with your partner still doesn’t mean that all is okay sexually in the relationship. There is such a thing as quality in addition to quantity. Are there things you would like to try that you feel would get shot down by your partner? The role play?

JeffKenna · 31-05-2021 6:10pm

Petej89 wrote: »

I want to quit. I genuinely do because I’m not really getting anyhing from it. Much like watching porn, it’s just a bit of a thrill for a short period of time. But every time I do it I feel sick, usually after a few times I stop for a few months but I slip back again. It’s like an addiction, and I don’t think I’ve an addictive personality, don’t smoke, gamble or do drugs, rarely drink but this is essentially an addiction because I know it’s a negative but I still do it. That’s the part that makes me sick!

I don’t miss the chase to be honest, I think (and this is just from expressing it now on here) that it’s more to do with the agony aunt sort of aspect. I like hearing about what women find a turn on etc, but a bit like porn, it’s only a thrill when it’s not made up or staged, hence I only like the homemade stuff embarrassingly enough.

It might sound like sound a small problem but I really feel awful because I know how sick I’d be if the shoe was on the other foot.

I'll be honest, it does sound like a small problem to me but that's irrelevant, the fact it's such a massive problem for you is the issue.

I think you're right it is an addiction, the way you describe doing the act followed by your feelings after struck me as an addiction cycle. I'd speak to a counsellor and for the record you or your actions are far from scum.

Airyfairy12 · 31-05-2021 8:33pm

Youre not scum! When I read your initial headline and beginning of your post I was expecting you say you regularly cheat on your partner or do horrific things but thats no the case, its not even close! Youre being way too hard on yourself!

I see two things wrong with what youre doing,
1. Youre leading women on through these dating profiles! Im a single woman and the apps are full of time wasters like yourself.
2. Youre being dishonest, not only to the women youre talking to on dating apps but most importantly to your girlfriend!
Now I dont think its uncommon for couples to keep small things to themselves and tell little white lies to avoid hurting your partners feelings but from reading your post, either youre catastrophizing this whole situation or your fears are correct and this would be a total deal breaker for your girlfriend!

Correct me if im wrong but is it sexting that turns you on? There are free online sex chat pages you can use, my ex used them and tbh it didnt bother me, had he been texting women on dating apps or women he could potentially meet and kept it a secret, that would have mde me concerned but we all draw our own line in the sand and I cant speak for your girlfriend. I would suggest trying a free online sexchat as an alternative to what youre doing. I feel like its the lesser of two evils! .. Not that what youre doing is evil by any stretch..

Bobtheman · 31-05-2021 9:32pm

Go talk to a professional. It will damage your relationship long term but it's not full on cheating. Relax

ILoveYourVibes · 01-06-2021 3:16am

Petej89 wrote: »

Hi all,

I’m not even sure how to describe this. It makes no sense to me and I’m ashamed of myself for being like this. It’s complete scum but I can’t help myself.

I am 31 and in a long term relationship. Relationship for the most part is good. We have a good life, house, stable jobs, holiday a few times a year. We are due to get married next year and busy planning the rest of our lives, kids etc. I love her and she’s a great person, certainly a better person than me.

I don’t even know how to properly describe this but the problem is I have this weird obsession with female attention. Not directed towards myself specifically. I’m embarrassed to say that I create fake dating profile accounts to talk to girls. I like to get to the point where we talk about sex and to see that other side of women. What they like/dislike etc. I never have any intention or interest in meeting up with them and have no interest in actually cheating but I get a thrill from these interactions. I think I’m a freak for being into this, it’s so messed up. I only do it when I’m masturbating and as soon as I’m finished I delete the app and feel ashamed.

I can’t explain it, it’s the most f**ked up thing I’ve ever heard. Who does this? I can’t even understand it myself. It’s a scum thing to do, I know it’s incredibly unfair on my girlfriend and also to the women on the dating apps. I hate myself after it and don’t do it for weeks/months but invariably fall back into it again.

I don’t know what to do, I feel like I’m going to ruin my life but also my girlfriends life because of this. I can’t even explain to myself why I do it. It seems so crazy even to myself.

I don’t know what I’m expecting here, maybe someone else has done something like this or maybe I just needed to say it out loud to try and make some sense out of it. I don’t even know how or where to seek help for this

It seems to me like there is a part of you that is unfulfilled.

IMO you need to find a healthier way to express that part of you than this.

Do that ....and I think you will find it leads to more growth than you even imagined.

Good luck.

ILoveYourVibes · 01-06-2021 3:17am

Bobtheman wrote: »

Go talk to a professional. It will damage your relationship long term but it's not full on cheating. Relax

He is masturbating while taking to other women online.

Those women have no idea what he is doing. Its not ok.

Jequ0n · 01-06-2021 7:30am

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

He is masturbating while taking to other women online.

Those women have no idea what he is doing. Its not ok.

Chances are these aren’t even women but other blokes particularly if they are quick to discuss sexual preferences without asking for “proof” that they are talking to the person depicted. No need to lose sleepless nights over

lunamoon · 01-06-2021 10:33am

As someone who's partner did this to them for years - this is cheating IMO. If you think it's such a scummy thing to do then stop & get help.

sineadoc88 · 01-06-2021 1:31pm

lunamoon wrote: »

As someone who's partner did this to them for years - this is cheating IMO. If you think it's such a scummy thing to do then stop & get help.

Obviously everyone is entitled to feel how they feel but was your partner trying to cheat? The OP and even my own partner werent actively trying to meet anyone.

I don’t think it’s cheating, for me it’s much the same as watching a certain type of porn and very different from kissing, sleeping or even flirting with someone. It’s certainly very unfair to anyone using the dating sites and I wasn’t happy with the sneakiness of it all but I didn’t feel like I’d been cheated because I could see he wasn’t trying to meet anyone. I don’t think you can group the two together

Ashamed of my scum actions

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