Ashamed of my scum actions

Petej89

Hi all,

I’m not even sure how to describe this. It makes no sense to me and I’m ashamed of myself for being like this. It’s complete scum but I can’t help myself.

I am 31 and in a long term relationship. Relationship for the most part is good. We have a good life, house, stable jobs, holiday a few times a year. We are due to get married next year and busy planning the rest of our lives, kids etc. I love her and she’s a great person, certainly a better person than me.

I don’t even know how to properly describe this but the problem is I have this weird obsession with female attention. Not directed towards myself specifically. I’m embarrassed to say that I create fake dating profile accounts to talk to girls. I like to get to the point where we talk about sex and to see that other side of women. What they like/dislike etc. I never have any intention or interest in meeting up with them and have no interest in actually cheating but I get a thrill from these interactions. I think I’m a freak for being into this, it’s so messed up. I only do it when I’m masturbating and as soon as I’m finished I delete the app and feel ashamed.

I can’t explain it, it’s the most f**ked up thing I’ve ever heard. Who does this? I can’t even understand it myself. It’s a scum thing to do, I know it’s incredibly unfair on my girlfriend and also to the women on the dating apps. I hate myself after it and don’t do it for weeks/months but invariably fall back into it again.

I don’t know what to do, I feel like I’m going to ruin my life but also my girlfriends life because of this. I can’t even explain to myself why I do it. It seems so crazy even to myself.

I don’t know what I’m expecting here, maybe someone else has done something like this or maybe I just needed to say it out loud to try and make some sense out of it. I don’t even know how or where to seek help for this

Jequ0n

I don’t see anything wrong with it tbh, it’s not like you are hurting someone.
Chances are that the people behind the other dating profiles are as fake as your own account and doing the same thing
Maybe have a think what you are missing and what your hobby satisfies.

mistress_gi

Having been on the other end of this behaviour, i still see nothing wrong with it as long as you are open about it.
I was caught completely by surprise and, of course, the relantioship did not last, if i had known about it it probably wouldn't have been a big deal.
I can only suggest you either come clean with it and deal with the consequences, if any, or stop doing it. I would also suggest putting yourself on your partners shoes, would you be ok if they did the same thing?
It's all about what you, as a couple, find acceptable, as long as you are bothe ok with it and it's not illegal (i can't stress this part enough ) it's no one else's business

tjc28

first off don't be thinking you're scum. that won't help you. it's far from the worst thing you could do to your gf. in saying that it's still not cool and not fair to the other women either. you recognise its an issue so thats good. the urge to do it comes from somewhere and it isn't making you happy within yourself. maybe you should consider speaking with a counsellor to establish why you do it and how to manage it

zerosugarbuzz

Petej89 wrote: »

Hi all,

I’m not even sure how to describe this. It makes no sense to me and I’m ashamed of myself for being like this. It’s complete scum but I can’t help myself.

I am 31 and in a long term relationship. Relationship for the most part is good. We have a good life, house, stable jobs, holiday a few times a year. We are due to get married next year and busy planning the rest of our lives, kids etc. I love her and she’s a great person, certainly a better person than me.

I don’t even know how to properly describe this but the problem is I have this weird obsession with female attention. Not directed towards myself specifically. I’m embarrassed to say that I create fake dating profile accounts to talk to girls. I like to get to the point where we talk about sex and to see that other side of women. What they like/dislike etc. I never have any intention or interest in meeting up with them and have no interest in actually cheating but I get a thrill from these interactions. I think I’m a freak for being into this, it’s so messed up. I only do it when I’m masturbating and as soon as I’m finished I delete the app and feel ashamed.

I can’t explain it, it’s the most f**ked up thing I’ve ever heard. Who does this? I can’t even understand it myself. It’s a scum thing to do, I know it’s incredibly unfair on my girlfriend and also to the women on the dating apps. I hate myself after it and don’t do it for weeks/months but invariably fall back into it again.

I don’t know what to do, I feel like I’m going to ruin my life but also my girlfriends life because of this. I can’t even explain to myself why I do it. It seems so crazy even to myself.

I don’t know what I’m expecting here, maybe someone else has done something like this or maybe I just needed to say it out loud to try and make some sense out of it. I don’t even know how or where to seek help for this

There is probably plenty on those sites doing the same, I was expecting much worse from the title of the thread. However, it is causing you distress an would most likely end your relationship if your girlfriend finds out. It also seems to be a compulsion much like an addiction that you can’t control the way you want to. I would suggest you see a councillor that specialises in behaviours. It will at the very least be a step in the right direction and may help you. I think the governing body is iacp.ie their website might point you in the right direction.

Petej89

Thanks for all the replies.

Yes it is much like an addiction. In the plain light of day it seems so messed up and stupid and I’m ashamed of it. I can’t explain it and it’d definitely be the end of my relationship.

I don’t even know what causes it because it’s not something I want to act on. When I go out I’ve no interest in sleeping with other people. I feel like it’s an attention thing but I can’t explain that either as it’s not even directed at me.

What sort of councilling would I even attend to sort a problem like this

Petej89

mistress_gi wrote: »

Having been on the other end of this behaviour, i still see nothing wrong with it as long as you are open about it.
I was caught completely by surprise and, of course, the relantioship did not last, if i had known about it it probably wouldn't have been a big deal.
I can only suggest you either come clean with it and deal with the consequences, if any, or stop doing it. I would also suggest putting yourself on your partners shoes, would you be ok if they did the same thing?
It's all about what you, as a couple, find acceptable, as long as you are bothe ok with it and it's not illegal (i can't stress this part enough ) it's no one else's business

No I would not be ok with it. I’d be disgusted if I’m being honest. I know it’s not fair and not right. I don’t want to continue to do it. I make an effort not to do it for months but then I lapse back in for no apparent reason at all.

YellowLead

Petej89 wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies.

Yes it is much like an addiction. In the plain light of day it seems so messed up and stupid and I’m ashamed of it. I can’t explain it and it’d definitely be the end of my relationship.

I don’t even know what causes it because it’s not something I want to act on. When I go out I’ve no interest in sleeping with other people. I feel like it’s an attention thing but I can’t explain that either as it’s not even directed at me.

What sort of councilling would I even attend to sort a problem like this

Can you explain what you mean when you say the attention isn’t directed at you? I don’t understand how it couldn’t be - aren’t you the one using the apps for the interaction?

I think any counsellor would be a good start, they could refer you to a specialist service if needs be.

Do you like to flirt with women when out and about in bars for example (pre pandemic) and this is just sort of like an online version of that?

sineadoc88

I found myself on the other side of this a couple of years ago. My then boyfriend (now husband) was on tinder under a different alias. When I found it I was initially sickened by what I was reading. He was like a different person online in the shadows. I read more though and it became clear he never had any intention to meet up with these women. It would always result in a few dialogs and that would be it. We had a massive row and he felt horribly about it and said he didn’t understand it himself, that it was something he would do every now and then but always felt awful after. No excuse for the lies mind you

Since then a friend of mine found the same thing with her husband. He actually came forward and told her. It sounds like the same thing OP. I can’t answer why it’s happening, my friends husband had councilling for it but i think you should tell your girlfriend about it so you two can help you through it.

I wish you the best and don’t beat yourself up too much about it, although it’s a betrayal of trust it’s not the same as actually physically cheating on your partner

Petej89

YellowLead wrote: »

Can you explain what you mean when you say the attention isn’t directed at you? I don’t understand how it couldn’t be - aren’t you the one using the apps for the interaction?

I think any counsellor would be a good start, they could refer you to a specialist service if needs be.

Do you like to flirt with women when out and about in bars for example (pre pandemic) and this is just sort of like an online version of that?

Yes I’m using it but it’s a fake profile, so in their eyes it’s not me they’re speaking to or responding to. It’s some random persons photos etc.

Regarding the flirting, not really. I’d be a sociable person, I enjoy having the craic and like anyone I enjoy positive attention but I don’t thrive off chatting to girls or have any real interest on nights out to be honest. I’m happy in my relationship. I love my girlfriend, obviously after 6-7 years it’s not the same as the first 6 months but I’m very content and couldn’t imagine being with anyone else. But then I have this other side, that only comes out for small periods but I know it’s so wrong

YellowLead

Petej89 wrote: »

Yes I’m using it but it’s a fake profile, so in their eyes it’s not me they’re speaking to or responding to. It’s some random persons photos etc.

Regarding the flirting, not really. I’d be a sociable person, I enjoy having the craic and like anyone I enjoy positive attention but I don’t thrive off chatting to girls or have any real interest on nights out to be honest. I’m happy in my relationship. I love my girlfriend, obviously after 6-7 years it’s not the same as the first 6 months but I’m very content and couldn’t imagine being with anyone else. But then I have this other side, that only comes out for small periods but I know it’s so wrong

I would argue that even though you are using fake profiles you are the one chatting so presumably you love messages you get, you enjoy the interaction sexually.
I know you love your girlfriend- but is there anything you could do to spice up the sex life, role play?
Admittedly talking to a therapist will be best as they will help you understand the why behind the need for extra sexual thrills and help you deal with guilt/make a plan to move forward whether that’s confessing/apologising to your partner or not.

Petej89

YellowLead wrote: »

I would argue that even though you are using fake profiles you are the one chatting so presumably you love messages you get, you enjoy the interaction sexually.
I know you love your girlfriend- but is there anything you could do to spice up the sex life, role play?
Admittedly talking to a therapist will be best as they will help you understand the why behind the need for extra sexual thrills and help you deal with guilt/make a plan to move forward whether that’s confessing/apologising to your partner or not.

Sorry, I misunderstood. You’re right it is the interaction I seem to thrive off. I think it’s like reading the agony aunt sections where they’re sexual but I get a buzz off it being people that live in my locality. Its only for those few minutes or whatever, it’s not something that even enters my head for the rest of the day.

There’s nothing in the sex lift that I’d want tbh, that’s why it doesn’t make sense to me. I wish I knew why, if it was sexual and I wasn’t attracted to my girlfriend that’d make sense but that’s not the case at all.

YellowLead

Petej89 wrote: »

Sorry, you’re right it is the interaction I seem to thrive off. Again it’s only for those few minutes or whatever, it’s not something that even enters my head for the rest of the day.

There’s nothing in the sex lift that I’d want tbh, that’s why it doesn’t make sense to me. I wish I knew why, if it was sexual and I wasn’t attracted to my girlfriend that’d make sense but that’s not the case at all.

You may be still very attracted to your gf but is there a discrepancy between appetites, as in are you both into the same frequency?
It sounds like it’s prob just the thrill of something new that gets you off. You could try role plays with your partner - dressing up etc, exchanging texts like you two are strangers meeting for sex, etc. Not saying that is the answer, but some of that might help? Obviously your partner would need to be on board.

The J Stands for Jay

Petej89 wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies.

Yes it is much like an addiction. In the plain light of day it seems so messed up and stupid and I’m ashamed of it. I can’t explain it and it’d definitely be the end of my relationship.

I don’t even know what causes it because it’s not something I want to act on. When I go out I’ve no interest in sleeping with other people. I feel like it’s an attention thing but I can’t explain that either as it’s not even directed at me.

What sort of councilling would I even attend to sort a problem like this

Could you replace this addiction with your fiancé? Role play chatting her up online instead? Maybe both set up private Instagram profiles and only follow each other. Use them as a sort of fake tinder profile and message each other. Change up her pictures every so often so it's like a new girl?

LegacyUser

hi OP. I did similar like 3 times on an app while with my last gf, I had been drinking each time and had no intention of meeting anyone. Anyway the last time I did it she found out, I wont go into how she found out, but that was the end of the relationship. A couple of years later and I still miss her all the time and obviously regret my actions.
I didn't and I'm sure you don't mean any harm but this would understandably be a line you don't cross for I would say most people, so either quit now or come clean or it could be the end of your relationship.

Goodigal

Not judging OP because I don't really think it's a scumbag thing to do. There are many worse things than this. You're getting something from it and it serves a purpose intermittently. But your girlfriend would of course be horrified. As would the women you're fake chatting with.

Do you miss the chase? I find my married friends are v interested in dating apps and often say, give me a look at your app just for the craic! They don't realise how much of a pain it is!! But if sexting is what you've realised you enjoy, see if your lovely partner would be up for it instead. It's fun!

However seeking help from a counsellor might be wise if it's something you feel you can't step away from. They can explore the reasons behind it more.

Jequ0n

Speaking from experience. You could try the tame and legit “tell your gf and find a compromise” route as others suggested. It might not work though because it lacks the forgotten element which turns it into a thrill seek. Have you tried replacing the habit with something else that gives you a kick?

Also: is there a pattern when you need the extra attention, like when you are bored or frustrated?

Petej89

I want to quit. I genuinely do because I’m not really getting anyhing from it. Much like watching porn, it’s just a bit of a thrill for a short period of time. But every time I do it I feel sick, usually after a few times I stop for a few months but I slip back again. It’s like an addiction, and I don’t think I’ve an addictive personality, don’t smoke, gamble or do drugs, rarely drink but this is essentially an addiction because I know it’s a negative but I still do it. That’s the part that makes me sick!

I don’t miss the chase to be honest, I think (and this is just from expressing it now on here) that it’s more to do with the agony aunt sort of aspect. I like hearing about what women find a turn on etc, but a bit like porn, it’s only a thrill when it’s not made up or staged, hence I only like the homemade stuff embarrassingly enough.

It might sound like sound a small problem but I really feel awful because I know how sick I’d be if the shoe was on the other foot.

YellowLead

Petej89 wrote: »

I want to quit. I genuinely do because I’m not really getting anyhing from it. Much like watching porn, it’s just a bit of a thrill for a short period of time. But every time I do it I feel sick, usually after a few times I stop for a few months but I slip back again. It’s like an addiction, and I don’t think I’ve an addictive personality, don’t smoke, gamble or do drugs, rarely drink but this is essentially an addiction because I know it’s a negative but I still do it. That’s the part that makes me sick!

I don’t miss the chase to be honest, I think (and this is just from expressing it now on here) that it’s more to do with the agony aunt sort of aspect. I like hearing about what women find a turn on etc, but a bit like porn, it’s only a thrill when it’s not made up or staged, hence I only like the homemade stuff embarrassingly enough.

It might sound like sound a small problem but I really feel awful because I know how sick I’d be if the shoe was on the other foot.

You can find real life discussion forums such as Reddit where women talk about what turns them on etc.
Alternatively - is this not something you can bring your partner in on to participate in with you??? So called ‘dirty’ talk? Role play could surely be beneficial.

TheadoreT

I think a common characteristic of men who set up fake profiles is that they feel a bit emasculated in thier day to day life and feel they can dawn a new persona where they feel they've more power over things than they do themselves in reality .

Is there sex often in your relationship?

Jequ0n

I wonder is it some type of voyeurism if you mainly get a kick out of people telling you about their kinks?

Petej89

I don’t think it’s being emasculated. I genuinely don’t feel like that in my day to day life. We still have plenty of sex. I don’t think it’s a subconscious confidence thing either. I’d agree more with the voyeur, I don’t actively want to watch real life couples but I find it a big turn on knowing what women genuinely think or feel sexually.

I wasn’t aware of the Reddit discussion to be honest. But this is what I mean, I’m the one doing it and I still can’t explain it. I actually feel like such a fraud and a freak.

YellowLead

There’s no need to feel like either a fraud or a freak. Sounds like you need some counselling to target your self esteem/self awareness too, which could help deal with feeling like a freak.

Also - just because you are having sex with your partner still doesn’t mean that all is okay sexually in the relationship. There is such a thing as quality in addition to quantity. Are there things you would like to try that you feel would get shot down by your partner? The role play?

JeffKenna

Petej89 wrote: »

I want to quit. I genuinely do because I’m not really getting anyhing from it. Much like watching porn, it’s just a bit of a thrill for a short period of time. But every time I do it I feel sick, usually after a few times I stop for a few months but I slip back again. It’s like an addiction, and I don’t think I’ve an addictive personality, don’t smoke, gamble or do drugs, rarely drink but this is essentially an addiction because I know it’s a negative but I still do it. That’s the part that makes me sick!

I don’t miss the chase to be honest, I think (and this is just from expressing it now on here) that it’s more to do with the agony aunt sort of aspect. I like hearing about what women find a turn on etc, but a bit like porn, it’s only a thrill when it’s not made up or staged, hence I only like the homemade stuff embarrassingly enough.

It might sound like sound a small problem but I really feel awful because I know how sick I’d be if the shoe was on the other foot.

I'll be honest, it does sound like a small problem to me but that's irrelevant, the fact it's such a massive problem for you is the issue.

I think you're right it is an addiction, the way you describe doing the act followed by your feelings after struck me as an addiction cycle. I'd speak to a counsellor and for the record you or your actions are far from scum.

Airyfairy12

Youre not scum! When I read your initial headline and beginning of your post I was expecting you say you regularly cheat on your partner or do horrific things but thats no the case, its not even close! Youre being way too hard on yourself!

I see two things wrong with what youre doing,
1. Youre leading women on through these dating profiles! Im a single woman and the apps are full of time wasters like yourself.
2. Youre being dishonest, not only to the women youre talking to on dating apps but most importantly to your girlfriend!
Now I dont think its uncommon for couples to keep small things to themselves and tell little white lies to avoid hurting your partners feelings but from reading your post, either youre catastrophizing this whole situation or your fears are correct and this would be a total deal breaker for your girlfriend!

Correct me if im wrong but is it sexting that turns you on? There are free online sex chat pages you can use, my ex used them and tbh it didnt bother me, had he been texting women on dating apps or women he could potentially meet and kept it a secret, that would have mde me concerned but we all draw our own line in the sand and I cant speak for your girlfriend. I would suggest trying a free online sexchat as an alternative to what youre doing. I feel like its the lesser of two evils! .. Not that what youre doing is evil by any stretch..

Bobtheman

Go talk to a professional. It will damage your relationship long term but it's not full on cheating. Relax

ILoveYourVibes

Petej89 wrote: »

Hi all,

I’m not even sure how to describe this. It makes no sense to me and I’m ashamed of myself for being like this. It’s complete scum but I can’t help myself.

I am 31 and in a long term relationship. Relationship for the most part is good. We have a good life, house, stable jobs, holiday a few times a year. We are due to get married next year and busy planning the rest of our lives, kids etc. I love her and she’s a great person, certainly a better person than me.

I don’t even know how to properly describe this but the problem is I have this weird obsession with female attention. Not directed towards myself specifically. I’m embarrassed to say that I create fake dating profile accounts to talk to girls. I like to get to the point where we talk about sex and to see that other side of women. What they like/dislike etc. I never have any intention or interest in meeting up with them and have no interest in actually cheating but I get a thrill from these interactions. I think I’m a freak for being into this, it’s so messed up. I only do it when I’m masturbating and as soon as I’m finished I delete the app and feel ashamed.

I can’t explain it, it’s the most f**ked up thing I’ve ever heard. Who does this? I can’t even understand it myself. It’s a scum thing to do, I know it’s incredibly unfair on my girlfriend and also to the women on the dating apps. I hate myself after it and don’t do it for weeks/months but invariably fall back into it again.

I don’t know what to do, I feel like I’m going to ruin my life but also my girlfriends life because of this. I can’t even explain to myself why I do it. It seems so crazy even to myself.

I don’t know what I’m expecting here, maybe someone else has done something like this or maybe I just needed to say it out loud to try and make some sense out of it. I don’t even know how or where to seek help for this

It seems to me like there is a part of you that is unfulfilled.

IMO you need to find a healthier way to express that part of you than this.

Do that ....and I think you will find it leads to more growth than you even imagined.

Good luck.

ILoveYourVibes

Bobtheman wrote: »

Go talk to a professional. It will damage your relationship long term but it's not full on cheating. Relax

He is masturbating while taking to other women online.

Those women have no idea what he is doing. Its not ok.

Jequ0n

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

He is masturbating while taking to other women online.

Those women have no idea what he is doing. Its not ok.

Chances are these aren’t even women but other blokes particularly if they are quick to discuss sexual preferences without asking for “proof” that they are talking to the person depicted. No need to lose sleepless nights over

lunamoon

As someone who's partner did this to them for years - this is cheating IMO. If you think it's such a scummy thing to do then stop & get help.

sineadoc88

lunamoon wrote: »

As someone who's partner did this to them for years - this is cheating IMO. If you think it's such a scummy thing to do then stop & get help.

Obviously everyone is entitled to feel how they feel but was your partner trying to cheat? The OP and even my own partner werent actively trying to meet anyone.

I don’t think it’s cheating, for me it’s much the same as watching a certain type of porn and very different from kissing, sleeping or even flirting with someone. It’s certainly very unfair to anyone using the dating sites and I wasn’t happy with the sneakiness of it all but I didn’t feel like I’d been cheated because I could see he wasn’t trying to meet anyone. I don’t think you can group the two together

Ms. Newbie18

Hi OP,

I think you are being way too hard on your self with the caption.

It really does sound like you enjoy the voyeuristic element of the exchange. Not just finding out what women like, but women in your locality, that sounds like it is key to your enjoyment.

Find a good sex therapist. They may have more of an insight than your run of the mill counselor . Trying new things like sexting or role play with your partner also couldn't hurt.

LegacyUser

I read the opening post expecting you to ultimately say you met someone else or something and to be honest when I got to the end I pretty much thought "That's it??"

Look, it's not ideal, and I can see why you want to change it but you are definitely being a bit harsh on yourself, "scum" is a bit unwarranted so go easy on yourself!

Have lines been crossed? In some ways yes but in other far more important ways, no, not at all.

People can be turned on by unusual things, things far more extreme than what you have outlined in many cases, and I had a bit of a chuckle when you touched on the post orgasm clarity bit! Many of us have been there, something seems like a great idea until the climax at which point reality starts taking over and a part of you asks "Oh... what is wrong with me??" (Go to youtube and search for "Live at the Apollo: The male brain and the "event"" )

It's good for a man to, um, "let off steam" so your solution here could be as simple as just finding an alternative means of reaching that destination which doesn't leave you feeling as bad about yourself. Maybe you could even try to involve your partner, a previous poster suggested sexting as an example. To use that awful phrase "There's more than one way to skin a cat", just try and find a way that suits you.

And seriously though, stop being so hard on yourself!!

leggo

Yeah you are definitely overreacting by calling yourself ‘scum’ because of this. This is a kink and fantasy, essentially. It wouldn’t be my thing if I’m happy in a relationship but I imagine it would be for a lot of guys and, to a point, there’s not a HUGE amount wrong with it.

The only morally questionable aspects really are:

1) Misrepresenting yourself as other guys. How would you feel, for example, if someone used your photos then your girlfriend ended up getting messages and screenshots saying you’d been chatting to them on Tinder?

2) Making it so personal by messaging people local to you, that in theory you COULD see around or choose to act upon at some stage.

Basically the fact that you’re making what is clearly a fantasy, to be forgotten about as soon as you orgasm, into something real that in theory impacts others is the only thing making it problematic. That making it real aspect is also what will lead to your relationship ending if your girlfriend finds out...and typically these type of things do get found out eventually. I feel like that’s part of the appeal, though, based off what you’re saying. And if that’s the case then the sad truth is you’re probably going to end up learning the lesson the hard way.

The solutions are fairly straightforward tbh: you can either be somewhat honest with your girlfriend (though I’d lead with introducing it as more of a curiosity than something you’ve actively been doing) and figure out a way, as a couple, you can tick that box or that she’s happy to let you work away with. Or you can keep it for yourself but make it appropriate and find, for example, aspects of porn that tick this same box for you. Whether it be the likes of webcams or getting into more personal, 121 style porn like the likes of OnlyFans and that supply...something where there’s a firm boundary of fantasy and reality that gives you enough of the same effect without the guilt. But, again, that all relies on you not needing to learn the hard way by losing your partner.

cloudatlas

Is there a forum that you can go on and talk about your sexual fantasises with women, fetlife? or something like that where you don't waste the time of others.

You aren't scum but it's kinda sad. This makes me cringe because you are raising the hopes of the people you are interacting with and leading them on. Would you like your own time to be wasted? It's not an addiction it's just an ego trip.

Bobtheman

Don't tell your girlfriend. I'm not sure she'd understand.. Get councelling.

It seems plain to me you have some commitment issues. Some psychological issues. Don't worry most guys have them.

Just say you are depressed. You need to talk to somebody.

I really not sure she would understand or any woman for that matter.

People have secrets and keep them from each other to protect each other.

DON'T buy the bullshit you have to tell your partner everything.

It's very female to say no secrets

Hi Op. Like others have said I think you are being overly harsh on yourself with words like "Scum" and "crazy" and "f'ed up" and "disgusting" and "fraud" and "freak".

Similarly on the other side however I would not automatically agree or disagree with the users above saying you are doing nothing wrong either. "Wrong" is relative.

Every relationship is different and the "line in the sand" where your partner would consider an infidelity a deal breaker is different to the next partner and the next. Some people would be fine with it. Other partners see things like online interactions and porn as an infidelity. No one is "right" or "wrong" in that. Each of us has our own line in the sand and we have every right to. We do not know what your girlfriend's line in the sand is here. Only you and her know this.

As such the people saying it is not cheating are no more or less right or wrong than the people who are saying it is cheating. Your relationship with your girlfriend and her personal boundaries and expectations for that relationship define whether it is or is not cheating. No one and nothing else does.

As for trying to understand why you keep engaging in a cycle of self-pleasure / shame - the likely answer here is that you have a compulsive behaviour. Many people have this. Compulsions and addictions have many similar attributes but they are somewhat distinct too. Usually a professional can help you deal with compulsions. Some specialise specifically in compulsive behaviours.

Generally they help by using one or more techniques to get to the root of, and undermine, the compulsion. It may be for example that the root of your compulsion is that there is something else missing in your life that this compulsion acts as a proxy / substitute for. Or it may simply be that your dopamine / pleasure responses have become accustomed over time to this stimulus and your brain just makes you seek it out despite yourself and you need to "untrain" this in yourself. Or it might be that the behaviour validates some impression you have of yourself. For example if you are convinced on some level you are a bad and shameful person you might seek out behaviours that confirm to yourself that you are the bad and shameful person you believe yourself to be. Or or or or the list goes on about what it might be.

So you need to get to the root of the compulsion either through introspection on your own - with the support of your girlfriend or someone else in your life - or a mental health professional.

To throw out a few other random ideas however:

1) If you want to go "nuclear" on the issue however you could take a few steps to minimise the possibilities of you engaging in the behaviour. Smart Phones are a big part of this I am guessing - just as an example. Ask yourself do you really actually need a Smart Phone? Many of us are so used to them it is hard to imagine not having one. But why not consider downgrading to a simple "call and SMS only" phone - without browsers and dating apps and the like? Even if only for a year or so while you "untrain" your compulsions?

2) A lot of couples - in fact I have enjoyed this one myself on a few occasions - like to role play the chase and flirt and the hunt. That is they start to email or text each other intentionally from fake accounts or emails pretending to be strangers and they flirt to the point of meeting up for a sexual encounter or a date. Perhaps that kind of role play / game would feed some of the roots of your compulsion but direct them into a more healthy outlet.

3) If you can identify a certain time of day / week that these compulsions tend to surface then you could invest yourself in hobbies and outlets that take up exactly that time. If for example you find Friday evening is when you start getting the urge to create a profile then make Friday evening the time you train for a half marathon / marathon. So instead of sitting with your phone you are out in the fresh air running for 1 / 2 / 3 hours. Or if not running just some hobby or outlet that gets you out of the location your brain has come to associate with your compulsion and urges.

4) Similar to above if there are not just times - but other things - that you associate with the onset of your compulsion then try to undermine those too. LegacyUser above mentions alcohol for example. Sometimes a compulsion comes as a follow on to another compulsion. So you might not dream of setting up a fake profile normally - but after a few beers you would. So instead of focusing on the latter compulsion focus on the beer drinking instead. Whatever the "triggers" are for you - try to identify them and undermine them as well as the main compulsion itself.

In general though the cycle of shame and self judgement is only going to make you feel weak - and undermine your ability to deal with the issue. You have recognised a part of yourself you do not like and want to change. That makes you a good person not a bad one. A bad person is one who does not recognise their own faults or - worse - recognises them and does not care. The fact you do care and want to change already means you are not the horrible person you think yourself to be. It means the opposite. So put aside the self judgement and realise that all of us fall when we try to pursue change in our lives. The strength of character comes from getting back up and continuing the attempt. Humans seem prone to judge themselves by their failures rather than by their attempts and their ability to continue to attempt even despite those failures. So shift your perspective on that one too and you will find yourself in a better place mentally to deal with the issue(s) before you.

olestoepoke

Don't sweat it, some of the "women" you are talking to are probably fat, middle-aged, bald men pretending to be women.