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Ashamed of my scum actions



  • Registered Users Posts: 235 ✭✭Ms. Newbie18

    Hi OP,

    I think you are being way too hard on your self with the caption.

    It really does sound like you enjoy the voyeuristic element of the exchange. Not just finding out what women like, but women in your locality, that sounds like it is key to your enjoyment.

    Find a good sex therapist. They may have more of an insight than your run of the mill counselor . Trying new things like sexting or role play with your partner also couldn't hurt.

  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser

    I read the opening post expecting you to ultimately say you met someone else or something and to be honest when I got to the end I pretty much thought "That's it??"

    Look, it's not ideal, and I can see why you want to change it but you are definitely being a bit harsh on yourself, "scum" is a bit unwarranted so go easy on yourself!

    Have lines been crossed? In some ways yes but in other far more important ways, no, not at all.

    People can be turned on by unusual things, things far more extreme than what you have outlined in many cases, and I had a bit of a chuckle when you touched on the post orgasm clarity bit! Many of us have been there, something seems like a great idea until the climax at which point reality starts taking over and a part of you asks "Oh... what is wrong with me??" (Go to youtube and search for "Live at the Apollo: The male brain and the "event"" )

    It's good for a man to, um, "let off steam" so your solution here could be as simple as just finding an alternative means of reaching that destination which doesn't leave you feeling as bad about yourself. Maybe you could even try to involve your partner, a previous poster suggested sexting as an example. To use that awful phrase "There's more than one way to skin a cat", just try and find a way that suits you.

    And seriously though, stop being so hard on yourself!!

  • Registered Users Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo

    Yeah you are definitely overreacting by calling yourself ‘scum’ because of this. This is a kink and fantasy, essentially. It wouldn’t be my thing if I’m happy in a relationship but I imagine it would be for a lot of guys and, to a point, there’s not a HUGE amount wrong with it.

    The only morally questionable aspects really are:

    1) Misrepresenting yourself as other guys. How would you feel, for example, if someone used your photos then your girlfriend ended up getting messages and screenshots saying you’d been chatting to them on Tinder?

    2) Making it so personal by messaging people local to you, that in theory you COULD see around or choose to act upon at some stage.

    Basically the fact that you’re making what is clearly a fantasy, to be forgotten about as soon as you orgasm, into something real that in theory impacts others is the only thing making it problematic. That making it real aspect is also what will lead to your relationship ending if your girlfriend finds out...and typically these type of things do get found out eventually. I feel like that’s part of the appeal, though, based off what you’re saying. And if that’s the case then the sad truth is you’re probably going to end up learning the lesson the hard way.

    The solutions are fairly straightforward tbh: you can either be somewhat honest with your girlfriend (though I’d lead with introducing it as more of a curiosity than something you’ve actively been doing) and figure out a way, as a couple, you can tick that box or that she’s happy to let you work away with. Or you can keep it for yourself but make it appropriate and find, for example, aspects of porn that tick this same box for you. Whether it be the likes of webcams or getting into more personal, 121 style porn like the likes of OnlyFans and that supply...something where there’s a firm boundary of fantasy and reality that gives you enough of the same effect without the guilt. But, again, that all relies on you not needing to learn the hard way by losing your partner.

  • Registered Users Posts: 3,709 ✭✭✭cloudatlas

    Is there a forum that you can go on and talk about your sexual fantasises with women, fetlife? or something like that where you don't waste the time of others.

    You aren't scum but it's kinda sad. This makes me cringe because you are raising the hopes of the people you are interacting with and leading them on. Would you like your own time to be wasted? It's not an addiction it's just an ego trip.

  • Registered Users Posts: 2,640 ✭✭✭Bobtheman

    Don't tell your girlfriend. I'm not sure she'd understand.. Get councelling.

    It seems plain to me you have some commitment issues. Some psychological issues. Don't worry most guys have them.

    Just say you are depressed. You need to talk to somebody.

    I really not sure she would understand or any woman for that matter.

    People have secrets and keep them from each other to protect each other.

    DON'T buy the bullshit you have to tell your partner everything.

    It's very female to say no secrets

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  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]

    Hi Op. Like others have said I think you are being overly harsh on yourself with words like "Scum" and "crazy" and "f'ed up" and "disgusting" and "fraud" and "freak".

    Similarly on the other side however I would not automatically agree or disagree with the users above saying you are doing nothing wrong either. "Wrong" is relative.

    Every relationship is different and the "line in the sand" where your partner would consider an infidelity a deal breaker is different to the next partner and the next. Some people would be fine with it. Other partners see things like online interactions and porn as an infidelity. No one is "right" or "wrong" in that. Each of us has our own line in the sand and we have every right to. We do not know what your girlfriend's line in the sand is here. Only you and her know this.

    As such the people saying it is not cheating are no more or less right or wrong than the people who are saying it is cheating. Your relationship with your girlfriend and her personal boundaries and expectations for that relationship define whether it is or is not cheating. No one and nothing else does.

    As for trying to understand why you keep engaging in a cycle of self-pleasure / shame - the likely answer here is that you have a compulsive behaviour. Many people have this. Compulsions and addictions have many similar attributes but they are somewhat distinct too. Usually a professional can help you deal with compulsions. Some specialise specifically in compulsive behaviours.

    Generally they help by using one or more techniques to get to the root of, and undermine, the compulsion. It may be for example that the root of your compulsion is that there is something else missing in your life that this compulsion acts as a proxy / substitute for. Or it may simply be that your dopamine / pleasure responses have become accustomed over time to this stimulus and your brain just makes you seek it out despite yourself and you need to "untrain" this in yourself. Or it might be that the behaviour validates some impression you have of yourself. For example if you are convinced on some level you are a bad and shameful person you might seek out behaviours that confirm to yourself that you are the bad and shameful person you believe yourself to be. Or or or or the list goes on about what it might be.

    So you need to get to the root of the compulsion either through introspection on your own - with the support of your girlfriend or someone else in your life - or a mental health professional.

    To throw out a few other random ideas however:

    1) If you want to go "nuclear" on the issue however you could take a few steps to minimise the possibilities of you engaging in the behaviour. Smart Phones are a big part of this I am guessing - just as an example. Ask yourself do you really actually need a Smart Phone? Many of us are so used to them it is hard to imagine not having one. But why not consider downgrading to a simple "call and SMS only" phone - without browsers and dating apps and the like? Even if only for a year or so while you "untrain" your compulsions?

    2) A lot of couples - in fact I have enjoyed this one myself on a few occasions - like to role play the chase and flirt and the hunt. That is they start to email or text each other intentionally from fake accounts or emails pretending to be strangers and they flirt to the point of meeting up for a sexual encounter or a date. Perhaps that kind of role play / game would feed some of the roots of your compulsion but direct them into a more healthy outlet.

    3) If you can identify a certain time of day / week that these compulsions tend to surface then you could invest yourself in hobbies and outlets that take up exactly that time. If for example you find Friday evening is when you start getting the urge to create a profile then make Friday evening the time you train for a half marathon / marathon. So instead of sitting with your phone you are out in the fresh air running for 1 / 2 / 3 hours. Or if not running just some hobby or outlet that gets you out of the location your brain has come to associate with your compulsion and urges.

    4) Similar to above if there are not just times - but other things - that you associate with the onset of your compulsion then try to undermine those too. LegacyUser above mentions alcohol for example. Sometimes a compulsion comes as a follow on to another compulsion. So you might not dream of setting up a fake profile normally - but after a few beers you would. So instead of focusing on the latter compulsion focus on the beer drinking instead. Whatever the "triggers" are for you - try to identify them and undermine them as well as the main compulsion itself.

    In general though the cycle of shame and self judgement is only going to make you feel weak - and undermine your ability to deal with the issue. You have recognised a part of yourself you do not like and want to change. That makes you a good person not a bad one. A bad person is one who does not recognise their own faults or - worse - recognises them and does not care. The fact you do care and want to change already means you are not the horrible person you think yourself to be. It means the opposite. So put aside the self judgement and realise that all of us fall when we try to pursue change in our lives. The strength of character comes from getting back up and continuing the attempt. Humans seem prone to judge themselves by their failures rather than by their attempts and their ability to continue to attempt even despite those failures. So shift your perspective on that one too and you will find yourself in a better place mentally to deal with the issue(s) before you.

  • Registered Users Posts: 2,386 ✭✭✭olestoepoke

    Don't sweat it, some of the "women" you are talking to are probably fat, middle-aged, bald men pretending to be women.