The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

09-11-2017 8:41pm

I think I might have screwed up ? A couple of us local retired
pilot types were asked to address a secondary school gathering put
on by the PTA.

I was the only speaker to show up, so I had the stage
to myself. I talked about staying in school, getting good grades and
all that usual bull****; and since I had plenty of time because those
other guys didn't show, I threw it open for questions.

The last one asked was, "Can you give us a couple of your life's philosophical beliefs?”

I said, “That's an easy one. Looking back over my 7 decades, I
believe I've spent close to 90% of my earnings on booze and whores. The rest I wasted."

I was escorted out without getting to finish my last two rules to live
by:

1) If it flies, floats, or fúcks, it's cheaper to rent !

and

2) If it's got tits or tyres, you're gonna have problems.

I hope they invite me back next year so I can finish.

They need to know.

chewed · 09-11-2017 9:32pm

The Sperm Clinic nurse asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup.

I said I wasn't ready for competitive ****.

Ipso · 09-11-2017 9:34pm

Sean Connery was talking to his agent on the phone and his agent says to him that they should get together and do something the following morning.
Sean says "Sounds good, how about tennish"
His agent replies "Should I bring a racquet"

Capt'n Midnight · 09-11-2017 10:11pm

A man with a stutter goes to see his Doctor.

"Is the stutter getting better with those exercises I gave you?" asks the doctor.

"It's b-b-better. But my dad calls me D-D-Donkey" the man replies.

"Why does he call you Donkey?" asks the doctor.

"No idea, but he aw he aw he aw he always calls me that."

Capt'n Midnight · 09-11-2017 10:29pm

I was attacked by a group of mime artists.

They did unspeakable things to me.

byrner88 · 11-11-2017 7:12pm

A proud and confident genius makes a bet with Paddy the Irishman.

The genius says,
"Hey Paddy, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me €5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you €5,000."

Paddy says,
"Okay."

The genius then asks,
"How many continents are there in the world?"

Paddy doesn't know and hands over €5.

Then Paddy says,
"Now tell me, what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?"

The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over €5,000.

The genius says,
"Damn it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?"

Paddy gives him €5.

Capt'n Midnight · 11-11-2017 10:53pm

I hope the cast members of Mrs Brown's Boys are ashamed of what they've done.

And for the tax dodging.

12-11-2017 12:11am

"A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'."

12-11-2017 12:25am

It got up to 94 degrees today – that's pretty good at my age.

(Bob Monkhouse)

Wombatman · 13-11-2017 5:30pm

What did C:\DarthVader say to C:\DarthVader\LukeSkyWalker ?

I am your folder.

Don Kiddick · 13-11-2017 5:35pm

Wombatman wrote: »

What did C:\DarthVader say to C:\DarthVader\LukeSkyWalker ?

I am your folder.

Could you create a pdf file from that and call it...
Adobe Wan Kenobe .....

rizzodun · 13-11-2017 8:04pm

Don Kiddick wrote: »

Could you create a pdf file from that and call it...
Adobe Wan Kenobe .....

And file it under 'terrible'

byrner88 · 14-11-2017 1:55am

A man and woman are chatting in a bar.
'How old do think I am?' she asks...

..'hmmm...based on your skin....25...your eyes...20....and your body..18'
'
oooh..you really know how to charm a woman'

...'be quiet a minute' he says..'I'm trying to add up here...'

Capt'n Midnight · 14-11-2017 11:28pm

The squeal to Silence of the lambs is out next year, Shut Up Ewes.

TheBody · 14-11-2017 11:30pm

It's true that Albert Einstein was a genius... but his brother frank was a real monster!

MonkieSocks · 14-11-2017 11:47pm

I bumped into a Dyslexic Yorkshireman the other day..............................he was wearing a Cat Flap.

emeldc · 14-11-2017 11:56pm

MonkieSocks wrote: »

I bumped into a Dyslexic Yorkshireman the other day..............................he was wearing a Cat Flap.

Reminds of the time when Nelson Mandela died and the dyslexic chap left a wreath outside the Nissan Maindealer.

branie2 · 15-11-2017 12:00am

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper?

He sold his soul to Santa.

McMurphy · 15-11-2017 8:57pm

GBX · 16-11-2017 1:29pm

A farmer in Ireland has just grown the first ever crop of vibrators.

He has a fierce problem with women claiming squatters rights though.

chewed · 16-11-2017 4:33pm

Q. How do you know how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is?

A. Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now

Don Kiddick · 16-11-2017 4:43pm

chewed wrote: »

Q. How do you know how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is?

A. Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now

And then... checking for size....
You gotta put it inya!

patmac · 17-11-2017 12:46am

I went to a really trendy nightclub in town.The doorman said, "Sorry mate, you've had too many?"I said, "Drinks?"He said, "Birthdays."

Ipso · 17-11-2017 12:58am

chewed wrote: »

Q. How do you know how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is?

A. Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now

Not a good joke, by the weigh.

yellowlabrador · 17-11-2017 1:14am

How do you weigh a pie

Somewhere over the rainbow

Capt'n Midnight · 17-11-2017 2:56am

How do you weigh a whale ?

At a whale weigh station.

chewed · 17-11-2017 6:02pm

This is getting weigh out of hand now!

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1 · 17-11-2017 6:56pm

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

How do you weigh a whale ?

At a whale weigh station.

And where do you weigh a pie?

Somewhere over the rainbow.

the_pen_turner · 18-11-2017 12:13am

The Marine Corps found they had too many officers and senior enlisted men. It was decided to offer some of them an early retirement bonus.

They promised any officer or senior enlisted man who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. Those applying got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Sergeant Major. When asked where he would like to be measured, he replied, “From the tip of my ***** to my the back of my balls.”

The pension man asked if he wanted to reconsider his choice, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Marine insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Sergeant Major to drop ’em, which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the ***** and began to work back. “Dear Lord!” he suddenly exclaimed. “Where are your testicles?”

The old Sergeant Major calmly replied, “Vietnam

the_pen_turner · 18-11-2017 12:29am

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer-hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long-time members of a hunting camp.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, “Nope, ain’t Stanley.”
The mortician thought this was rather strange, so he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, “Yup, he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.”
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, “No, it ain’t Stanley.”
The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”
Gomer said, “Well, Stanley had two assholes.”
“What! Two assholes?” asked the mortician.
“Yup, we never seen ’em, but everybody used to say, there’s Stanley with them two assholes.”

the_pen_turner · 18-11-2017 12:48am

One Monday morning the postman was walking through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by Craig, the home owner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

"Wow Craig, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night" the Postman commented. Craig, in obvious pain, replied "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 o'clock Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?"

The Postman thought for a moment and said "How do you play WHO AM I?" "Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is..."

The postman laughed and said "Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it". "Probably a good thing you did" Craig responded "Your name came up 7 times".

the_pen_turner · 18-11-2017 12:52am

An engineer could not find a job, so he opens a clinic, and puts a sign
outside that says "Get treatment for $50; if not cured get back $100".

A doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to show up the engineer and
earn a quick $100. And so he visits the clinic.

Doctor: I have lost my sense of taste.

Engineer: Nurse , bring the medicine from Box # 22 and place 3 drops In
the patient's mouth.

Patient (Doctor) spits out the medicine and says "This is not medicine.
It's gasoline".

Engineer: Congrats.. You have your taste back ..That will be $50

Doctor gets annoyed, and returns after several days to recover his money.

Doctor : I have lost my memory and can't remember a thing...

Engineer: Nurse , bring the medicine from Box # 22 and place 3 drops in
the patient's mouth.

Doctor: "Wait...that medicine is for the sense of taste" protests the
Doctor.

Engineer : Congrats. Your memory is back.. ..That will be $50

Doctor leaves, but after several days angrily returns for one last try.

Doctor : My eyesight has become weak.

Engineer : Well I don't have any medicine for that. Take this $100

Doctor : But this is only a $50 note

Engineer : Congratulations, Your eyesight has gotten better. ..That will
be $50

mad m · 18-11-2017 12:56am

@the_pen_turner

Laughed out loud at that one^^

the_pen_turner · 18-11-2017 12:59am

A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asks, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Chelsea fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why pray tell, are you a Chelsea fan?'
'Because my mum is a Chelsea fan, and my dad is a Chelsea fan, so I'm a Chelsea fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Chelsea fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time... What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'
Mary smiled, 'Then I'd be a Liverpool fan'.

the_pen_turner · 18-11-2017 1:10am

It's a really hot day and this penguin is having car trouble, so he
takes it into a garage. The penguin asks "How long will it be?" The
mechanic says "Just a few minutes". So the penguin decides to go get an
ice cream at the grocery store across the street. When the penguin gets
there he climbs inside the big freezer door and starts to eat ice cream.
Three hours go by before the penguin looks at his watch and jumps out of
the freezer and races back to the garage. With ice cream all over his
face and his stomach he says "So, how's my car?" The mechanic comes
walking out wiping his hands on a rag and says "Looks like you blew a
seal". The penguin says "No, no, no, I was just eating ice cream".

the_pen_turner · 18-11-2017 1:12am

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me" she told him. "Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes" the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?" "Feels great" he replied. "But I still think my thumb's broken!"

the_pen_turner · 18-11-2017 1:14am

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.
The doctor says "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings.
She's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, -
"Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your daughter is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be. She has never ever been with a man! Have you Debbie?"
Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man, I'm still a virgin!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stood there staring out of it.
About 5 minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened,
a star appeared in the east and 3 wise men came over the hill.
And there's no way I'm going to miss it this time!"

the_pen_turner · 18-11-2017 1:17am

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'.
The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'
'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'
'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked
the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Ireland.'

the_pen_turner · 18-11-2017 1:37am

Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams and Elton John were walking over a
bridge. Kylie trips and gets her head jammed between the railings. With
a sideways glance, Robbie pulls aside her G-String, and bonks her
senseless! He stands back and tells Elton "your turn". Elton bursts into
tears. "What's up?" asks Robbie. Elton sobs, "My head won't fit through
the railings!"

the_pen_turner · 18-11-2017 1:38am

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled "You Can Be THE Man in Your House".
He stormed out to his wife in the kitchen and announced "From now on I’m running this show, and my word will be law. You’ll prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating it, you’ll serve me a scrumptious dessert.
After dinner you’re going upstairs with me, and we’ll have any kind of sex that I choose!
Afterwards, you’re going to run me a relaxing bath. You’ll wash my back, towel me dry, and bring me my robe. Then, you’ll massage my feet and hands.
Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?”
The wife replied "The f...ing undertaker would be my first guess!”

the_pen_turner · 18-11-2017 2:13am

Me & my missus favourite sexual position is called the ''Ireland football team'' ! . . .
Neither of us know what we're doing or why we're there,
there's no passion, no communication & we never make it past the 1st stage.
There's horrible dribbling & never a clean sheet.
Its over far too quickly & when it does end I know it'll be at least
another four f***in years before it happens again.

mlumley · 18-11-2017 2:40am

Syphonax wrote: »

Coming back home from Boston on Easyjet earlier this year when the American pilot started doing his speech thing "We are now cruising at 35,00 feet" when he was done he forgot to turn off the intercom and went on talking to his co-pilot saying "you know what I could go for right now is a fukin blowjob and a cup of coffee" The stewardess hearing this at the back of the plane goes bombing up to the cockpit and as she passes me I yells to her "Hey stewardess, dont forget the coffee!"

true story

Apart from the fact that Easyjet dont fly to Boston.

snowflaker · 20-11-2017 12:32am

My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for the paramedics to give him a blood transfusion.

As he was dying he kept insisting "be positive", but it's hard without him.

snowflaker · 21-11-2017 10:40pm

i got a jigsaw of a map of Dublin..

400 pieces and i just found theres 6 missing....from Christchurch to James street is blank!!

someone's taking liberties!!

Capt'n Midnight · 21-11-2017 11:05pm

Imagine The Titanic with a lisp. It's unthinkable.

Judging by the state of my Tesco "bag for life" I've got only about a week left.

I didn't know what to expect when I got my Korean mail-order bride, but she's very economical and also very skilled with crafts and such.

For example, yesterday, she made me a new sweater made entirely from rags !

It's really a shame though, because I loved that little dog.

Hagar7 · 21-11-2017 11:13pm

mad m wrote: »

@the_pen_turner

Laughed out loud at that one^^

Pardon?

MonkieSocks · 22-11-2017 12:20am

Hagar7 wrote: »

Pardon?

:rolleyes: LOL

MonkieSocks · 22-11-2017 12:36am

I went to a Feminist Picnic the other day.

It was great, apart from the fact no one made any sandwiches.

chewed · 23-11-2017 5:25pm

What do you call a dog with no tongue?

Dirty bollocks

Capt'n Midnight · 23-11-2017 11:20pm

"You can't park there it's a disabled space" shouted the parking attendant.

"Sorry but there are eleven empty spaces, it's not as if eleven disabled people are going to turn up at once", I replied.

At which point the West Ham team bus turned up to disprove my theory.

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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