Shamed for being Frugal

enoughalready · 20-02-2016 3:24pm #1

I wonder if anyone else has experienced this? My friend today shamed me by stating I was so stingy in front of another friend because of my money saving, frugal habits. I was so annoyed that I shot back that at least I'm not in credit card debt and so on. It got me thinking that now in future I have to 'hide' my fugal way off living because if I speak about it people will call me cheap or stingy. Its a horrible feeling not being able to live the lifestyle you want without being judged. Has anyone else had a similar experience and how they combated it?

kleefarr · 20-02-2016 3:27pm

enoughalready wrote: »

I wonder if anyone else has experienced this? My friend today shamed me by stating I was so stingy in front of another friend because of my money saving, frugal habits. I was so annoyed that I shot back that at least I'm not in credit card debt and so on. It got me thinking that now in future I have to 'hide' my fugal way off living because if I speak about it people will call me cheap or stingy. Its a horrible feeling not being able to live the lifestyle you want without being judged. Has anyone else had a similar experience and how they combated it?

Your friends should not be telling you how to live.
You are who you are, if they don't like it then they know what they can do.

enoughalready · 20-02-2016 3:30pm

The rational part of my brain agrees with you but I can't help feeling a tad ashamed although I have no reason to but it's irrational and just need to 'shake the haters off'!

kleefarr · 20-02-2016 3:37pm

Live they way that makes you happy, you can't please everyone so just worry about yourself and family.

Spudman_20000 · 20-02-2016 3:38pm

What was the circumstances that your friend brought the subject up? Was it just out of the blue, or did something you were doing at the time seem to trigger it?

I have no issue at all with people being frugal, careful with money etc. in general, but I despise meanness. Sometimes the lines can get blurred between the two, like visiting someone's house and arriving one arm longer than the other, forgetting their round, never offering to pay for small things like a coffee.

JeffKenna · 20-02-2016 3:40pm

You shouldn't worry about it unless you're being stingy towards them...that drives people insane

enoughalready · 20-02-2016 3:40pm

Thanks Kleefar. I'm going to take that attitude with me in future

stefanovich · 20-02-2016 3:41pm

Spudman_20000 wrote: »

What was the circumstances that your friend brought the subject up? Was it just out of the blue, or did something you were doing at the time seem to trigger it?

I have no issue at all with people being frugal, careful with money etc. in general, but I despise meanness. Sometimes the lines can get blurred between the two, like visiting someone's house and arriving one arm longer than the other, forgetting their round, never offering to pay for small things like a coffee.

Yeah exactly. I'd certainly shame a friend if they never reciprocated a drink or whatever.

One example is donuts at work a few years back. There was one guy who always bought the really cheap nasty ones whilst everyone else on the team went to a nice bakery. He was mean.

enoughalready · 20-02-2016 3:43pm

Spudman_20000 wrote: »

What was the circumstances that your friend brought the subject up? Was it just out of the blue, or did something you were doing at the time seem to trigger it?

I have no issue at all with people being frugal, careful with money etc. in general, but I despise meanness. Sometimes the lines can get blurred between the two, like visiting someone's house and arriving one arm longer than the other, forgetting their round, never offering to pay for small things like a coffee.

Hi Spudman_2000 - thanks for the reply. I was saying that I was annoyed at having to pay a €20 administration charge from my GP who printed out a few pages I requested and it seemed to be a rip off in my eyes. I always arrive at a friends house with a little something if I'm invited over for coffee / lunch / dinner and I always pay my way when out dining etc...

stefanovich · 20-02-2016 3:45pm

enoughalready wrote: »

Hi Spudman_2000 - thanks for the reply. I was saying that I was annoyed at having to pay a €20 administration charge from my GP who printed out a few pages I requested and it seemed to be a rip off in my eyes. I always arrive at a friends house with a little something if I'm invited over for coffee / lunch / dinner and I always pay my way when out dining etc...

I wouldn't even class that as being frugal. What a ripoff. Your friend is a dick.

enoughalready · 20-02-2016 3:47pm

She was making fun of me also saying - would I be drying my teabags on the clothes line for the next days morning cup of tea. GRIP!!!! As if like, I don't even drink tea but that's besides the point.

enoughalready · 20-02-2016 3:48pm

I wonder if its because I'm vocal in where I'm saving my money by being frugal in different scenarios and situations, like I'd have an envelope with coupons and discounts that I'd whip out if shopping etc

stefanovich · 20-02-2016 3:51pm

enoughalready wrote: »

I wonder if its because I'm vocal in where I'm saving my money by being frugal in different scenarios and situations, like I'd have an envelope with coupons and discounts that I'd whip out if shopping etc

Will I tell you something that will probably annoy the hell out of you?

I've literally got a stack of expired 10 euro Dunnes stores vouchers. I always leave them at home and forget about them.

enoughalready · 20-02-2016 4:00pm

stefanovich wrote: »

Will I tell you something that will probably annoy the hell out of you?

I've literally got a stack of expired 10 euro Dunnes stores vouchers. I always leave them at home and forget about them.

Ahhh mate, seriously? You'd be saving a fortune if you just organised yourself better, shame they are going to waste and expiring on you. Maybe Dunnes would be sound and let you still use them if you wrote them a nice email? Works to be pleasant sometimes? Charm them lol

Spudman_20000 · 20-02-2016 4:00pm

enoughalready wrote: »

Hi Spudman_2000 - thanks for the reply. I was saying that I was annoyed at having to pay a €20 administration charge from my GP who printed out a few pages I requested and it seemed to be a rip off in my eyes. I always arrive at a friends house with a little something if I'm invited over for coffee / lunch / dinner and I always pay my way when out dining etc...

That is sort of interesting, as it wasn't something related to frugality that triggered the response from your friend, more of a complaint about the charge from the doctor.

Do you complain a lot about the cost of things etc.? Some people can get irritated listening to someone complaining if it happens a lot.

Just playing devil's advocate here OP, as we only have your side of the story. Everyone's friends are different, but in my experience, these things don't come up out of the blue.

enoughalready · 20-02-2016 4:03pm

Spudman_20000 wrote: »

That is sort of interesting, as it wasn't something related to frugality that triggered the response from your friend, more of a complaint about the charge from the doctor.

Do you complain a lot about the cost of things etc.? Some people can get irritated listening to someone complaining if it happens a lot.

Just playing devil's advocate here OP, as we only have your side of the story. Everyone's friends are different, but in my experience, these things don't come up out of the blue.

No wouldn't be a big complainer, hate people always moaning, like just get on with it, that was probably the first complaining I did in a long time but I am aware I am quite vocal on how I love being frugal and how I get a buzz when I get a discount or save money on something, that might be irking some people? I respect you playing devils advocate btw, cheers.

StillThinking · 20-02-2016 4:48pm

I get it all the time from my sister, think she's jealous to be honest, we got married last year, only had a small one as didn't want to get in debt for 1 day, bought an older reliable car, careful with our money, have no debt and that's how we want to keep it. She's always saying how stingy and tight I am even though I buy her things, always treat her children and always pay my own way.
She's terrible with money so when she starts I always ask how much she owes now!

enoughalready · 20-02-2016 5:00pm

StillThinking wrote: »

I get it all the time from my sister, think she's jealous to be honest, we got married last year, only had a small one as didn't want to get in debt for 1 day, bought an older reliable car, careful with our money, have no debt and that's how we want to keep it. She's always saying how stingy and tight I am even though I buy her things, always treat her children and always pay my own way.
She's terrible with money so when she starts I always ask how much she owes now!

Fair play, must feel great being debt free. Judgmental attitudes, no need for them, she probably is jealous of your frugality. Love the way you do what suits you, like the smaller wedding and the old reliable car, who cares what the neighbours think!

NIMAN · 20-02-2016 5:04pm

I can see both sides.

Before I got married I would spend like there was no tomorrow. If I had money at the end of the month left over, I spent it rather than save it.
I had been working for years and lived from paycheck to paycheck. No savings, although I did have a mortgage and a car and bills all paid.

Since I got married to a person who was a whole lot more sensible with money, I can see the logic of actually having money free and in reserve. Don't feel awkward about that.

They're nothing great about being in debt to your eyeballs, strugglling to pay bills, hoping the washing machine doesn't brak or the price of oil doesn't rise. These are the sort of people who will mouth off in public but probably wish they were more like you really.

Lucena · 20-02-2016 5:20pm

I'd be fairly similar to yourself, OP, in that I don't like spending money unless it's something I've really decided I want. However you might want to check out the stinge thread on AH and make sure you're not doing anything described there.

General no-nos would be:

Not getting your round in
Not tipping/collecting the tip from the people you dine with and pocketing it!
Bringing food/drink to someone's house and then taking what's left with you when you leave
Refusing to do stuff with friends solely because it costs money

Possibly if you keep banging on about the subject of saving money the whole time, people might avoid you/take the mick because they're sick of hearing about it! I had a colleague who talked about nothing else but her upcoming wedding for six months, it got to the stage where I'd go out of my way to avoid walking past her office.

Spudman_20000 · 20-02-2016 5:44pm

mid wrote: »

I couldn't figure that out as if 'one arm was longer than the other', it would imply you are carrying something. Searched and found it should be 'One arm as long as the other'

Good to know you're not frugal with the pedanticism ðŸ˜Š

5uspect · 20-02-2016 6:18pm

StillThinking wrote: »

I get it all the time from my sister, think she's jealous to be honest, we got married last year, only had a small one as didn't want to get in debt for 1 day, bought an older reliable car, careful with our money, have no debt and that's how we want to keep it. She's always saying how stingy and tight I am even though I buy her things, always treat her children and always pay my own way.
She's terrible with money so when she starts I always ask how much she owes now!

You married your sister?!

I'm debt free too, can't even imagine the horror of owing money.

Wilberto · 20-02-2016 6:28pm

enoughalready wrote: »

No wouldn't be a big complainer, hate people always moaning, like just get on with it, that was probably the first complaining I did in a long time but I am aware I am quite vocal on how I love being frugal and how I get a buzz when I get a discount or save money on something, that might be irking some people? I respect you playing devils advocate btw, cheers.

I think this is the "trigger" that the other poster might be on to. If you're quite vocal about something especially if it seems to go against the norm (not that not being frugal should be the norm but anyway) then friends will probably slag you off over it.

I get the same from my friends occasionally for being a massive Taylor Swift fan!

:pac:

StillThinking · 20-02-2016 6:41pm

5uspect wrote:

You married your sister?!

Frightfully sorry didn't realise this was a thread with people who picked up on bad grammar and had both the time and inclination to point it out.....

enoughalready · 20-02-2016 9:09pm

Wilberto wrote: »

I think this is the "trigger" that the other poster might be on to. If you're quite vocal about something especially if it seems to go against the norm (not that not being frugal should be the norm but anyway) then friends will probably slag you off over it.

I get the same from my friends occasionally for being a massive Taylor Swift fan! :pac:

Just need to keep all my frugality inside my head then as I can't express myself - sad really, well just not mention it as much, I need more frugal minded friends lol

Wilberto · 20-02-2016 9:31pm

enoughalready wrote: »

Just need to keep all my frugality inside my head then as I can't express myself - sad really, well just not mention it as much, I need more frugal minded friends lol

Not at all. Just be prepared and have plenty of comebacks.

tolosenc · 21-02-2016 5:14pm

Somethings make sense to some people and don't to others.

I've a friend that makes roughly a grand per month more than me, yet is always rubbing pennies together in the week leading up to payday yet I can save a few hundred a month. I can't understand how he's in that situation, and he can't understand how I'm in mine.

If you are denying yourself what you want, or compromising what you like to the end of living frugally for the sake of living frugally, then you have a problem. If you are perfectly content and have the added bonus of no money issues, then you are in a good spot.

PLL · 21-02-2016 5:39pm

I feel this off people, amused by money saving ideas.
Well darlings, you're thousands in the red and I'm thousands in the black.

I've never been in debt, I wouldn't be able to sleep. The credit card bills and defaults people get themselves into over needing material possessions. I don't have a bit of sympathy for your greed.

jive · 22-02-2016 12:44pm

PLL wrote: »

I feel this off people, amused by money saving ideas.
Well darlings, you're thousands in the red and I'm thousands in the black.

I've never been in debt, I wouldn't be able to sleep. The credit card bills and defaults people get themselves into over needing material possessions. I don't have a bit of sympathy for your greed.

I'm frugal but the condescending attitude of some frugal people does my head in. If people want to live their life in the red then so what? Just because you live your life the way you do doesn't mean everyone has to have the same ideals. I like to save and do, no need to harp on about it; it's akin to people pushing religion on you. We get it.

CIP4 · 22-02-2016 7:49pm

I think there is definitely a fine line between being frugal and mean. I am quite careful with money granted I would say I'm extremely frugal with it but I always save a good proportion of my earnings and think through potential purchases and don't throw around money wastefully. However I despise people who are mean not saying you are op I think you just struck a nerve with someone today.

But the people that give out about evenly splitting a meal because their's was €2 cheaper or the people that go to the cinema with friends and b!tch for the night about the price of the ticket that sort of thing is mean and not a likeable trait.

Something I've found is that if you simply don't talk about how you saved xyz or how expensive something is then no one will ever comment on your spending. The problem is people who are living week to week see it as bragging when you say you saved x and then call you mean even if your not more so to justify in their own heads why you have money and they don't.

So don't change your lifestyle op but simply don't comment on the price of things or you spending habits / deals you got / how much you've saved. Then no one will have any reason to call you mean or comment on the way you spend your money at all.

Day Lewin · 22-02-2016 7:58pm

Frugality and thrift may just be careful budegetting: surely much better than running up debts you can't pay, and over-committing!

I am all in favour of economies: it keeps everyone happy when the budget is balanced and actually means MORE is left over for such pleasures as gifts for friends, treats, presents and gestures.

Not necessarily to be equated with stinginess at all: I get things from charity shops which actually counts as recycling, saves on landfill, while benefitting good causes...and saving me a few bob, what's not to love?

Don't pay any attention to your sneery pal, OP: They probably owe more than they can manage.

That being said, some of the other posters have made a good point: nobody likes a Scrooge who measures everything by its price tag: real value in this life isn't always about money!

Elemonator · 22-02-2016 8:16pm

In the words of Taylor Swift, shake it off!
In all seriousness though, they shouldn't be telling you how to live. It is your choice. But don't be ultra stingy, like I know someone who has a 93' car with a bad engine, no suits, house hasn't been updated since the 1970's and birthdays/Christmas you can forget about. They earn over 100,000 a year too, maybe more when you factor in their financial trading and renting out to students. Like what are they saving for?

Wilberto · 23-02-2016 12:05am

CIP4 wrote: »

But the people that give out about evenly splitting a meal because their's was €2 cheaper or the people that go to the cinema with friends and b!tch for the night about the price of the ticket that sort of thing is mean and not a likeable trait.

I absolutely hate when, after a meal with a group of friends, there's always at least one to bring up the calculator on their phone to tot up the bill. I mean, either split the bill evenly or, if you do want to take a pay what you owe just make a mental calculation at the start, rounding everything up to the nearest euro to allow for a tip. Perfect.

Elemonator wrote: »

In the words of Taylor Swift, shake it off!

Dial Hard · 23-02-2016 12:23am

To be very honest, I find stridently frugal types to be just as bad as spendthrifts for not knowing the value of money.

There's a middle ground between up to your eyes in debt and taking pride in not spending a penny that didn't beg for mercy first.

At the end of the day, you can't take it with you. I'm not in any way advocating that anyone should spend above their means, but there's a balance to be struck and money can be enjoyed in ways other than obsessively saving or splurging it.

Wilberto · 23-02-2016 12:25am

Dial Hard wrote: »

To be very honest, I find stridently frugal types to be just as bad as spendthrifts for not knowing the value of money.

There's a middle ground between up to your eyes in debt and taking pride in not spending a penny that didn't beg for mercy first.

At the end of the day, you can't take it with you. I'm not in any way advocating that anyone should spend above their means, but there's a balance to be struck and money can be enjoyed in ways other than obsessively saving or splurging it.

Ah, but the financial security that a decent amount of savings can provide may be worth more to a person than anything they can buy with it.

Hrududu · 23-02-2016 12:41am

Wilberto wrote: »

I absolutely hate when, after a meal with a group of friends, there's always at least one to bring up the calculator on their phone to tot up the bill.

I'm going to sound like such a stinge but I hate having to split the bill equally when it's obvious that some went way overboard. The last time I went out with friends we split the bill evenly and someone joked about people and calculators. The person who said this had 3 courses, cocktails and a bottle of wine between himself and his partner. I had a main course and a Coke. But I hate being a stinge so said nothing. But in my experience the ones pushing hard for the bill to be equal are normally the ones who pushed the boat out. And they know well they've gotten a good deal out of it

Stheno · 23-02-2016 12:45am

Hrududu wrote: »

I'm going to sound like such a stinge but I hate having to split the bill equally when it's obvious that some went way overboard. The last time I went out with friends we split the bill evenly and someone joked about people and calculators. The person who said this had 3 courses, cocktails and a bottle of wine between himself and his partner. I had a main course and a Coke. But I hate being a stinge so said nothing. But in my experience the ones pushing hard for the bill to be equal are normally the ones who pushed the boat out. And they know well they've gotten a good deal out of it

My OH doesn't drink, so if we go out and split a bill equally we always get the short end of the stick.

I generally don't mind, the chance to be out socially and enjoy peoples company makes up for the few extra euro that's involved tbh.

Spanish Eyes · 23-02-2016 12:52am

I enjoy a laugh about frugality. For instance me and OH went to Cannes there recently. OK, it's supposed to be a ridiculously expensive place and all that so what am I on about FGS!

Anyway, got a great deal in a hotel for five days. +

Then found out that there was a bus from the airport for €1.50, but it went the scenic route all along the coast. WTF a free tour of the Cote D'Azur for €1.50? Sold!!

People kept telling me about this amazing Express bus to Cannes from Nice Airport. LOL, but we went the scenic route for a tenth of the price and we had a ball with the locals on the bendy bus.

Then when in Cannes (did a bit of research natch) we were staying near the big Marche Forville, and lo and behold we could get a breakfast in a lovely coffee shop there for a fiver for the TWO of us! Used by the market traders, and we had a great laugh. I'm lucky that I speak French enough to have a laugh, and laugh we did! On our last morning there we got a free coffee, because we were such loyal customers. That was amazing fun.

Anyway, for the evening meals, we didn't worry about cost really, just went where we fancied and the prices weren't Michelin star high.

So to me it's a bit of fun to save a few bob here and there, but I never scrimp, neither am I mean. Ask my nephews and nieces what their Auntie is like! They love me....

Getting to the stage where you don't have debt is so liberating, but you never forget the tough days having little cash to spare, so that is a big lesson in life.

Live within your means and enjoy it as best you can.

Dial Hard · 23-02-2016 12:52am

Wilberto wrote:

Ah, but the financial security that a decent amount of savings can provide may be worth more to a person than anything they can buy with it.

They still can't take it with them, though.

And I'm absolutely not saying that anyone should live paycheck-to-paycheck and never have a buffer zone. But living only to save is equally pointless (and joyless), imo. And if I had a friend who scrimped and saved only to put every penny in a savings account, never to be touched, and talked about it constantly, then I'd probably end up saying something to them too, tbh.*

As I said, there's a middle ground.

*Not necessarily saying that this is the OP's case, but we seem to have moved into hypotheses long ago

enoughalready · 23-02-2016 10:26am

Thanks for all your replies, I've come to the conclusion that embracing frugality doesn't need to be broadcast to anyone who'll listen, I think it boils down to the old saying that it's rude to talk about money. People get uncomfortable. I will continue my frugal ways and save as much as I can to reach my personal goals. Friends / family don't need to hear me harping on about it, unless I'm in the company of a fellow frugal friend

landmarkjohn · 23-02-2016 12:54pm

It's your choice how and where you spend your money and don't let anyone persuade you any different.

I'm sure there are plenty that might have looked at people for bringing in their own lunch during the Celtic Tiger.... no shame in it now!

Wilberto · 23-02-2016 9:56pm

Hrududu wrote: »

I'm going to sound like such a stinge but I hate having to split the bill equally when it's obvious that some went way overboard. The last time I went out with friends we split the bill evenly and someone joked about people and calculators. The person who said this had 3 courses, cocktails and a bottle of wine between himself and his partner. I had a main course and a Coke. But I hate being a stinge so said nothing. But in my experience the ones pushing hard for the bill to be equal are normally the ones who pushed the boat out. And they know well they've gotten a good deal out of it

Yeah I get you on that front. Thankfully though, I've no experiences to share with you as my friends are just great.

simdan · 23-02-2016 10:23pm

enoughalready wrote:

I wonder if anyone else has experienced this? My friend today shamed me by stating I was so stingy in front of another friend because of my money saving, frugal habits. I was so annoyed that I shot back that at least I'm not in credit card debt and so on. It got me thinking that now in future I have to 'hide' my fugal way off living because if I speak about it people will call me cheap or stingy. Its a horrible feeling not being able to live the lifestyle you want without being judged. Has anyone else had a similar experience and how they combated it?

I did this exact thing to my mate from Cavan and I'm happy I did. He was extremely frugal and always worried about problems down the road. He now has a much nicer house, New car, pets and still has enough cash to be comfortable. What's the point of worrying about what 'might' happen.. Enjoy!

FizzleSticks · 25-05-2016 5:53pm

This post has been deleted.

tringle · 07-06-2016 9:57am

Being frugal and being mean are two different things but yes some people may not see the difference.

The start of this was the €20 fee to the GP, from what I understand this is charged for two reasons.
Firstly they or the secretary do have to take the time to do it and stand over it, many "pieces of paper" are followed by calls and emails to check the validity of it And secondly it is to stop people willy nilly calling for a cert for this or that when they don't feel like doing something, the €20 charge makes you think if its worth it.
I'm not saying in any way your printout wasn't needed for legitimate reasons but I do know a letter I needed recently took over an hour of extra time including calls to the A and E department by my GP, €20 was a bargain.

You may be right about money just being an awkward thing to talk about, we complain about the flash Harry just as much as the miser.

Ursus Horribilis · 07-06-2016 10:29pm

I don't think it's about money being an awkward thing to talk about. To me it's a topic that becomes very boring to have to listen to after a while. I've no problem with people living frugally and saving money. It's when you have to listen to people going on and on about it that it gets irritating. There comes a point where saving money as a sensible thing to do turns into a vehicle for self-congratulation. Is it really much different to having to listen to a parent crow about how little Johnny is getting straight As in his exams? Or someone bragging about the latest thing they bought in Brown Thomas? I work with someone who's like that and it gets wearing after a while. He shops in the bargain fridge of the supermarket near our offices which I've no problem with. But when you're hearing for the umpteenth time that he got this for 99c instead of €2.99, it becomes a record that needs changing. Plus, if you get to a stage where you're turning over ever penny before you spend any money at all, it could be a sign that money has taken over your life.

Cabaal · 08-06-2016 3:11pm

I get this the odd time, being shamed for watching what I spent money on,
But again ironically it comes from people that are upto their eye balls in debt on credits cards and littlewoods credit, I used to have credit card debt but cleared it all so know its not all roses for them but its evident they are ignoring the debt they have while trying to belittle me.

Tired of it at this stage and may just have to point out their debt next time,

09-06-2016 2:26pm

Each to their own, I'm sitting here in €300 shoes wearing a €2k watch after eating a homemade salad as I reckon the canteen salad isn't great for €4 :pac:

zagmund · 09-06-2016 3:26pm

Augeo wrote: »

Each to their own, I'm sitting here in €300 shoes wearing a €2k watch after eating a homemade salad as I reckon the canteen salad isn't great for €4 :pac:

And does your watch tell better time than all the other watches?

z

09-06-2016 3:36pm

zagmund wrote: »

And does your watch tell better time than all the other watches?

z

Nope, worse than a cheap quartz

As I said, each to their own.

None of my colleagues know what my shoes or watch cost nor my views on the canteen salad

Latatian · 09-06-2016 4:16pm

Exactly, to each their own.

One thing that annoys me is when people confuse being 'mean' or 'stingy' with 'not having the same hobby/likes/interests'. I love books. So I go to a bookshop with my money clutched in my grubby little fist and I buy books. I don't give out that my friend is 'stingy' or 'tight' for not buying books with me, I'm just grateful that they're happy to come along and I make sure we go to something they want to go to as well. It genuinely wouldn't be worth it for them to spend the money on something they didn't want.

But I know people who will give out about how so-and-so is so stingy because they go out shopping and go into the shoe shop (or whatever) and that person doesn't buy any shoes, won't "treat themselves." Maybe they just don't think it's a treat? Maybe they don't need more shoes?

Shamed for being Frugal

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