Scared to travel that far with inlaws

FuNKy102 · 20-03-2019 12:35pm #1

I don't know if I'm in the right thread but I am just wondering does anyone have any advise on this issue?

About 2 months ago my mother in law booked a trip to Australia for herself and her husband to visit there other son on their 40th anniversary and she asked me and my husband to go with them, I was very hesitant and indecisive though my husband was all on for it but I have never being that far before and we have a young child. The holiday is for 3 weeks and naturally there is no way I would dare think of leaving my child behind with my parents for that length of time. So anyways after immense pressure from both my mother in law and husband I agreed to go, I hadn't even said it a day and she had the flights booked for us, my husband brought out our passports to her when I was at work and she informed me that evening that all was booked. I was annoyed and said it to him that he shouldn't have done that but he just brushed me off saying get over it it's a once in a life time opportunity.

Anyways I am really nervous about it and I know it is silly but at 25 years of age iv never being away from my own family for that long and iv never being on holiday with his parents before and what really put me off was that fact that I was always under the impression that his brother lived alone over there but now he has informed us that he moved house and is living with two other men that we know nothing about and my husband expects us to stay in the house with them. So nit only will we ll be cramped up but with strangers to.

I have epilepsy and I'm worried about my meds and seizures also I should never have agreed to this at all but I was under extreme pressure and I tried to tell my husband how I feel but he told me I'm not going to ruin this on him once in a life time experience and getting to see his brother even though his brother was home a few months back for 5 weeks. I just feel guilty and nervous and panicky because my meds make me drowsy and all that and I'm unsure what to do to be honest.
I really don't want to go I'm not trying to be selfish I'm just scared

zapper55 · 20-03-2019 1:32pm

Ok this is all sorts of mental that you've been put under pressure to do this and it sounds hugely stressful.

If it was me I'd say with the young baby, epilepsy meds etc it's not a good time for you to go and they should go without you. If you get any pushback just say you never got time to think about it properly.

Are you usually pushed into things with your in laws? Your husband should see it from your side but I suspect he's going along with it for an easy life

cruizer101 · 20-03-2019 1:37pm

So wait the brother lives in a house with two other guys and you, your husband his mam and dad and your child are going to go over and all stay in the house for 3 weeks?
How big is the house?
Do the other guys know, I'd be pretty pissed if housemate invited that many people to stay over for a few days nevermind weeks.

bigpink · 20-03-2019 1:44pm

Don’t go just tell them
Sounds like they very forceful types
Staying with strangers is strange
Your only 25?

LegacyUser · 20-03-2019 2:05pm

OP it's clear you don't want to go regardless of the reasons so you are going to have to sit your husband down and have a very direct conversation with him. Don't let him just dismiss your concerns, you need to be able to talk to each other.

I would be careful about how you word some things, its not his parents fault, they are obviously excited to travel with one son and grandchild to see their other son and while they may have rushed you to organise it, it doesn't sound like they've been malicious about it. Saying his brother was home a few months ago also wouldn't be something I'd bring up, he lives in Australia so he is not going to be popping over on a regular basis. Personal at 25 I'd already gone travelling all over by myself and see little issue with the trip but that's my background and they see it differently to you and you need to be able to discuss that with your OH.

You have a medical issue that is causing you concern and this stress is adding to it so that is what you need to speak to your OH about it. If you start mentioning things like the accommodation for example as an issue he may just book you a hotel which solves that issue but doesn't remove your main issue for not wanting to go which is your health and just adds more pressure on you to go.

How old is your child? are they old enough to be aware of going somewhere new etc? If they are a baby/toddler I wouldn't be crazy about travelling so far with them but if they are old enough to understand whats happening your OH may push to take them without you.

FuNKy102 · 20-03-2019 2:06pm

Yes my mother in law is very pushy woman! And I sometimes do feel ganged up on at times to do things when my husband is around them as she seems to get involved alot for example if my husband wanted to go somewhere with his mates for the day and I needed him to do something for me, if his mother heard about it she would be contacting me saying " oh I think he should go and do it" it's hard to explain but situations like that sort of thing!!!

I don't know if the other men he lives with know or not to be honest? I didn't even ask because Iv being more stressed thinking how I'm going to face them all and tell them I don't want to go.

Ever since I tried telling my husband in the beginning as I stated earlier I feel like since then he is purposely bringing up Australia anytime we are at his home house to his mum saying how much his brother is looking forward to us going over...

FuNKy102 · 20-03-2019 2:10pm

bigpink wrote: »

Don’t go just tell them
Sounds like they very forceful types
Staying with strangers is strange
Your only 25?

Yes they are very. I don't have any intention of staying in a house with men iv never met Tbh.
I know I'm 25 and this prob looks childish but it's the way it is I suppose in just going to have to say something to them. Thanks ðŸ‘

FuNKy102 · 20-03-2019 2:16pm

cruizer101 wrote: »

So wait the brother lives in a house with two other guys and you, your husband his mam and dad and your child are going to go over and all stay in the house for 3 weeks?
How big is the house?
Do the other guys know, I'd be pretty pissed if housemate invited that many people to stay over for a few days nevermind weeks.

I know that's what I thought when I heard it. I don't know how big it is, and I don't even know if them men are aware or what the hell but I don't want to stay with men I don't know and a small child and I can't imagine that they would be pleased with a toddler for 3 weeks either!!

dudara · 20-03-2019 2:58pm

It is a wonderful opportunity to travel to Australia for 3 weeks, and it would be a shame to miss out because you were scared. You might regret it later.

Instead of shying away from the situation, is there anything that you can do take charge of it or impose some control?

Can you work out a plan to travel safely with your medication and with your child? Can you organise separation accommodation for yourself and your family (the others can stay with the brother)?

Purple Mountain · 20-03-2019 3:04pm

dudara wrote: »

It is a wonderful opportunity to travel to Australia for 3 weeks, and it would be a shame to miss out because you were scared. You might regret it later.

Instead of shying away from the situation, is there anything that you can do take charge of it or impose some control?

Can you work out a plan to travel safely with your medication and with your child? Can you organise separation accommodation for yourself and your family (the others can stay with the brother)?

Yea I'd agree with this.
You husband and toddler could rent an Air bnb for 3 weeks.
I assume that the inlaws paid the flights?
It would be way OTT for the 3 of you to stay in a house with 2 men who won't be too impressed with this imposition.
Speak to your GP about travelling and minding your meds and bring a photocopy of your prescription with you.

FuNKy102 · 20-03-2019 3:08pm

can't log in wrote: »

OP it's clear you don't want to go regardless of the reasons so you are going to have to sit your husband down and have a very direct conversation with him. Don't let him just dismiss your concerns, you need to be able to talk to each other.

I would be careful about how you word some things, its not his parents fault, they are obviously excited to travel with one son and grandchild to see their other son and while they may have rushed you to organise it, it doesn't sound like they've been malicious about it. Saying his brother was home a few months ago also wouldn't be something I'd bring up, he lives in Australia so he is not going to be popping over on a regular basis. Personal at 25 I'd already gone travelling all over by myself and see little issue with the trip but that's my background and they see it differently to you and you need to be able to discuss that with your OH.

You have a medical issue that is causing you concern and this stress is adding to it so that is what you need to speak to your OH about it. If you start mentioning things like the accommodation for example as an issue he may just book you a hotel which solves that issue but doesn't remove your main issue for not wanting to go which is your health and just adds more pressure on you to go.

How old is your child? are they old enough to be aware of going somewhere new etc? If they are a baby/toddler I wouldn't be crazy about travelling so far with them but if they are old enough to understand whats happening your OH may push to take them without you.

.

Yes I know what you mean and I agree 100% I wouldn't bring up any of those things because I get on very well with his brother and I like seeing him too when he's over. Do t get me wrong I'd love to go just not for as long maybe and It's just the meds and seizures I'm worried about esp being over there I'd feel like I'm out of safe zone it's daft but true and I just don't think I'm ready for that kind of journey yet! We have a Toddler.

2013Lara · 20-03-2019 3:14pm

Agree with above. Take control. Go to Australia, fab!! and you're very lucky to be in the position to be able to go. But don't stay with your in laws. I wouldn't even stay with my own mother for three weeks and we get on very well. Find somewhere close by for the three of you to stay so you have breathing space. Go on your terms and enjoy every minute of it. Spend time with them but also spend time on your own with your partner. When more kids come along it probably wouldn't be something you'll be able to do due to cost. I'm saying this as a 32 year old with three kids and a mortgage. I'd have loved to have the opportunity! Don't over think it! Bonus too, you'll have a babysitter to go out and spend some time with hubby too.

If you still really don't want to go closer the time, stay home and let your partner go.

FuNKy102 · 20-03-2019 3:22pm

dudara wrote: »

It is a wonderful opportunity to travel to Australia for 3 weeks, and it would be a shame to miss out because you were scared. You might regret it later.

Instead of shying away from the situation, is there anything that you can do take charge of it or impose some control?

Can you work out a plan to travel safely with your medication and with your child? Can you organise separation accommodation for yourself and your family (the others can stay with the brother)?

I know what you mean it is a once in a life time opportunity to be missing out on. But I just think what is there for me and our child like his brother is a single man with no responsibility he is going to want to go places and do things that don't involve a child in the equation which is understandable, but I think it will just be me and our child left with my OH parents for 3 weeks while he has a once in a lifetime holiday experience Tbh! I thought it would have being more appropriate to bring our child on a family holiday nearer rather then go over there just yet.

I still would love to go myself but as it is my own family/siblings are all against me travelling over there with my seizures and a small child aswel because they have expressed that I will be very stressed out and very much on my own while my husband will be elsewhere with his brother. I don't know Tbh I just have to have a long think before making any rash decisions just yet.

hello2020 · 20-03-2019 3:26pm

agree with this.. its once in a life time opportunity to travel..
with a baby and medical condition, i will say its better to have family around as they can support you with child care and you might get small but much needed breaks..

from personal experience, it gets more expensive and difficult to travel when u have more kids so take this chance and enjoy the most..
u can plan to visit different cities with ur other half and stay in hotels or air bnb.
not many stays in one place for three weeks on a vacation !

FuNKy102 · 20-03-2019 3:29pm

2013Lara wrote: »

Agree with above. Take control. Go to Australia, fab!! and you're very lucky to be in the position to be able to go. But don't stay with your in laws. I wouldn't even stay with my own mother for three weeks and we get on very well. Find somewhere close by for the three of you to stay so you have breathing space. Go on your terms and enjoy every minute of it. Spend time with them but also spend time on your own with your partner. When more kids come along it probably wouldn't be something you'll be able to do due to cost. I'm saying this as a 32 year old with three kids and a mortgage. I'd have loved to have the opportunity! Don't over think it! Bonus too, you'll have a babysitter to go out and spend some time with hubby too.

If you still really don't want to go closer the time, stay home and let your partner go.

Thanks i know what you mean but while it does sound brilliant and I'd love it to be like that that's not going to be the reality of the situation.

Unfortunately the reality of it is that I have always being the one who is left to do everything when it comes to our child, my husband barely helps out at home, at an event or any other occasion so I don't see how this will be any different except we will be in a different country. His parents are very old and our child has never being left with them before Tbh so I don't know how our child would react either. I just don't know Tbh but thanks I agree with what your saying

dudara · 20-03-2019 4:01pm

Put the trip aside for one minute, it sounds as if ypur real issue is your husband’s lack of responsibility to his parental duties.

FuNKy102 · 20-03-2019 4:15pm

dudara wrote: »

Put the trip aside for one minute, it sounds as if ypur real issue is your husband’s lack of responsibility to his parental duties.

There is that too but that is something we have talked about and he is aware that he does not pull his weight and has expressed that he will try to do so more. As it stands at the moment I'm just concerned about my meds and this journey and the fact that everything will be left down to me and I will be half way across the world. Its just the way I feel and Tbh everyone has being very helpful and polite towards this situation I got myself into and everything sounds great and I'd love for this to be the best experience ever and I mean even I have told myself over and over its Australia of all places somewhere fabulous to go. But I just know myself deep down I'm not ready for it yet no matter who I tell or how much I try to get people to try and convince me other wise.

Its sh*ty but I have found myself in a predicament that I possibly didn't think through enough out of pressure when I should have just stood up nd said no from the get go.!.

Having said all that I would never prevent my OH from going with his parents to see his brother.

zapper55 · 20-03-2019 4:23pm

Jesus the holiday is the least of your problem. Your husband sounds like he isn't pulling his weight at all. No wonder he wants to go on this holiday, sounds like he'll go on the tear the whole time.

If I were you I'd suggest marriage counselling. You can't keep continuing like this..

Dial Hard · 20-03-2019 4:38pm

I think there are quite a few issues at play here OP and you could do with unpicking all of them. You say his family are quite pushy and controlling but this:

FuNKy102 wrote: »

I still would love to go myself but as it is my own family/siblings are all against me travelling over there with my seizures and a small child aswel because they have expressed that I will be very stressed out and very much on my own while my husband will be elsewhere with his brother.

Sounds like your own family might be just as bad. Are you a bit of a pushover in general? It kind of sounds like it, sorry to be so blunt. Because, you wouldn't accept this:

FuNKy102 wrote: »

Unfortunately the reality of it is that I have always being the one who is left to do everything when it comes to our child, my husband barely helps out at home, at an event or any other occasion so I don't see how this will be any different except we will be in a different country. His parents are very old and our child has never being left with them before Tbh so I don't know how our child would react either. I just don't know Tbh but thanks I agree with what your saying

If you had a strong sense of self and plenty of backbone. And it's all well and good your husband saying he's going to change and help out more and whatnot, but what is he actually doing???

I think you're seizing on the meds and your epilepsy as a reason not to go when it sounds like there's a *lot* of other stuff going on. You're only 25 which is very young to be married with a toddler, but not so young that a trip to Australia should feel so daunting. Plenty of people your age have gone travelling solo and for much longer. You'll be going with support and company.

I get the impression that you're a bit of an innocent and maybe a bit naive/vulnerable with it. How long have you been with your husband? What was he like before the baby came along, did he pull his weight at home then or has he always suited himself? I think regardless of what you decide to do about the trip, you need to have a long, hard sit-down with yourself and then with him about what kind of marriage you're happy to be in. The longer this dynamic (of you doing everything while he comes and goes as he pleases) goes on, the harder it will be to change.

shesty · 20-03-2019 4:56pm

You're not overreacting. Once in a lifetime is all very well, but it's not once in a lifetime if it means you will be sitting trying to amuse a toddler every day while your OH has a great time. And stressing about what might happen if you have seizures.It's just a massive big ball of stress and worry, and that totally overshadows it all. Which, let's face it, is not fun.

If you must go - organise other accommodation. I cannot stress this enough.

If you really feel this is something you cannot do (cannot do right now, I might add) - you do need to talk to your OH, away from his parents. And stand your ground. Even if he went himself, you would be at home with family support at least.

I am saying this as the mum of three small kids - if my OH went and did this I would hit the ceiling. Yes I do want to go travelling or skiing or whatever - I do not want to do it with 3 small kids in tow, because I will be left to carry the burden of trying to settle them in a new country for a holiday and sort them out everyday.Despite the fact that my husband is a good man and does pull his weight. But my kids will not be small forever and time will come when they are even a couple of years older and travelling with them will be easier. And I don't have epilepsy, which is an added worry.

Setting the holiday aside though, you do need to sort out your OH and get him to pull his weight more.

LegacyUser · 20-03-2019 6:20pm

OP you have to sit down and discuss this with your OH. The fact that he is planning to fly to the other side of world with toddler but thinks you can all crash with his brother is madness. He is not considering your medical condition either and sounds like you will be left to look after the kid and not actually see any of the country. You need to be frank with him, if he wants to go spend time with his brother then you aren't going along just to be a babysitter. If you don't learn to communicate better you'll find yourself on a plane with a screaming child, a husband and inlaws who won't help you and at high risk of having a fit miles up in the air. It would be amazing to go away on a trip like this but only if you are actually going to enjoy it.

JustAThought · 21-03-2019 2:01am

It is a huge amount of money for them to spend & it clearly means a lot to them to have all the family together & to have one probably last family memory with everyone together and everyone included. No doubt they have been supportive of your illness over the years & will be there to help you in the future too if /when you need it for your epilepsy. We all have to be part of a family and pull together as a team from time to time - this is your time to support your husband and your childs grandparents and to appreciate a costly and long anticipated trip to celebrate their 40 years of married life and their family. Shelve focusing on your problems and focus on how this could be a good thing instead of thinking about possible negatives. Air bnb or a hotel rental for 3 weeks could be impossibly out of financial reach for them. You will have to trust that you will be welcomed and treated kindly. Look forward to a new adventure and a trip that will probably nevér happen again. You will possibly have a really interesting experience and might well really enjoy yourself. As for your medical worries spend e60 on yourself and get advice from your doctor on long haul travel and the possible effects of heat & counterbalancing medical advice specific to your medical history. Its a long way & 3 weeks but you will probably only ever go once in your lufe so take sensulible advice , swallow your angst and feats and trust. You might love it.

tupenny · 21-03-2019 9:43am

JustAThought wrote: »

It is a huge amount of money for them to spend & it clearly means a lot to them to have all the family together & to have one probably last family memory with everyone together and everyone included..

Irrelevant. They're pressurising OP, and the whole set up is ridiculous with a toddler.
OP you obviously have zero interest in going, so ignore those saying "once in a lifetime experience" etc. If it's not for you and it sounds like it would be a chore, don't go.
Don't allow yourself to be pressured into it if you dont want to go

afkasurfjunkie · 21-03-2019 9:45am

The healthcare system is quite good there anyway. When I was in Sydney I got dr apppontments quicker than I would at home and their advice was actually more up to date than my gp at home.

Big Bag of Chips · 21-03-2019 9:53am

You seem to be in panic mode now and cannot see any good in this at all.

Maybe you will decide that you simply can't do it, and that's fine. Or maybe you could sit with your husband and talk to him, really talk to him. It sounds like he dominates you a bit and you don't get heard. You need to tell him why this is such a big deal for you, whereas it mightn't be for him or his parents.

For a start the bulk of looking after your child will fall to you, and you are just thinking if the practicalities of that. That's not something that he or his parents really have to consider. Also your epilepsy is a huge factor. Again, not something that they have to consider. Change of environment, stressful situations (which long haul flight with a toddler is likely to be at some point) could trigger something. These are not minor issues, and it sounds like you are an anxious type anyway, so all this will be magnified in your mind.

Don't fight with your husband on this, just yet. You agreed to go, so it's understandable the flights were booked once you agreed. But you both need to sit down and go through everything. You need to go to your GP and your husband should go with you. You need to look into alternative accommodation. You also need to let your husband know that if you do go it will be as a family with a toddler. That this can't be a 3 week piss-up with his brother and if that's what he hopes it will be then you'd feel better at home in the comfort of your own surroundings and let him go by himself.

If he agrees that he will be there to support you, then he can't sulk on the holiday if he feels his "holiday of a lifetime" is curtailed by his child being there.

This could be the chance of a lifetime, it could also be a very lonely time if you already have a sense of how it will play out.

Talk to each other, and make him hear your very valid concerns. It doesn't have to be a battle.

Savage_Henry · 21-03-2019 10:12am

Would you be upset if he went alone with parents?

FuNKy102 · 21-03-2019 11:25am

Savage_Henry wrote: »

Would you be upset if he went alone with parents?

Tbh no I wouldn't be upset at all because i trust him of course

FuNKy102 · 21-03-2019 11:31am

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You seem to be in panic mode now and cannot see any good in this at all.

Maybe you will decide that you simply can't do it, and that's fine. Or maybe you could sit with your husband and talk to him, really talk to him. It sounds like he dominates you a bit and you don't get heard. You need to tell him why this is such a big deal for you, whereas it mightn't be for him or his parents.

For a start the bulk of looking after your child will fall to you, and you are just thinking if the practicalities of that. That's not something that he or his parents really have to consider. Also your epilepsy is a huge factor. Again, not something that they have to consider. Change of environment, stressful situations (which long haul flight with a toddler is likely to be at some point) could trigger something. These are not minor issues, and it sounds like you are an anxious type anyway, so all this will be magnified in your mind.

Don't fight with your husband on this, just yet. You agreed to go, so it's understandable the flights were booked once you agreed. But you both need to sit down and go through everything. You need to go to your GP and your husband should go with you. You need to look into alternative accommodation. You also need to let your husband know that if you do go it will be as a family with a toddler. That this can't be a 3 week piss-up with his brother and if that's what he hopes it will be then you'd feel better at home in the comfort of your own surroundings and let him go by himself.

If he agrees that he will be there to support you, then he can't sulk on the holiday if he feels his "holiday of a lifetime" is curtailed by his child being there.

This could be the chance of a lifetime, it could also be a very lonely time if you already have a sense of how it will play out.

Talk to each other, and make him hear your very valid concerns. It doesn't have to be a battle.

I have brought up the subject with him already about this before and I explained to him how I felt about meds etc and that I just didnt feel right lugging a small child that far for 3 weeks that it would be different if we had lived there or being before ourselves and we knew what we were doing going over but we haven't ever being there we are going into this completely blind unknown. But that's why I haven't brought it up to him since because his response was very clear at the time that he said this was his holiday and that he didn't want me ruining it on him by not wanting to go. Thanks for your advise. I just have to be careful and think more so into this I guess.

FuNKy102 · 21-03-2019 11:33am

can't log in wrote: »

OP you have to sit down and discuss this with your OH. The fact that he is planning to fly to the other side of world with toddler but thinks you can all crash with his brother is madness. He is not considering your medical condition either and sounds like you will be left to look after the kid and not actually see any of the country. You need to be frank with him, if he wants to go spend time with his brother then you aren't going along just to be a babysitter. If you don't learn to communicate better you'll find yourself on a plane with a screaming child, a husband and inlaws who won't help you and at high risk of having a fit miles up in the air. It would be amazing to go away on a trip like this but only if you are actually going to enjoy it.

That to be honest is exactly how I feel it will pan out

osarusan · 21-03-2019 11:38am

I'd talk to your husband and lay out your concerns, especially the concerns that he can/should help to deal with.

You are worried about a seizure in a foreign country - what can you both do to prepare for that?

You are worried that he is going to be off with his brother most of the time leaving you alone - what reassurances can he offer about that?

You are very much against the idea of moving into a house for 3 weeks with complete strangers to you - what ideas does he have about that?

Make it clear that if you go, as a family, it needs to be on your terms as much as his, and you and your child's holiday experience must be a priority for him. If he wants to go on a 3-week bender, you don't have an issue with that, but you'd rather just stay home so he can have the freedom to do that.

wiggle16 · 21-03-2019 1:05pm

I've my foot in both camps here. While it's a great opportunity, I don't blame you at all with how you feel though and I wouldn't be happy to go. It's not the trip of a lifetime if you don't want to go.

I think you need to figure out if the primary reason is that you are scared because you've never travelled like that before, or if it actually isn't feasible for practical reasons. If you take control of certain things then the practical side is not an issue.

I'm epileptic too and a seizure is not something you'd want to happen while abroad in particular. However, I don't see an issue with bringing enough medication to cover you for 3 weeks? Do you have seizures often or are you at risk of breakthrough seizures? If you are on a battery of meds then you can get a letter from your doctor explaining why you are travelling with so much. Check online what the story is with bringing medication into Australia.

Put your foot down with him about accommodation. The idea of couch surfing for three weeks is ridiculous, never mind with a toddler in a house with two strangers (three really, i assume you don't know your brother in law well either). And with your husband and in laws in close proximity for that long it's a recipe for a row/falling out. Ridiculous, OTT situation.

Tell him if you're going you are not going under the current terms - you'll need to find accommodation nearby that's suitable for a toddler. Full stop.

I got annoyed for you reading your post, if I'd a partner like that I'd give him a clatter. Saying that you'd be "ruining" his trip, he's carrying on like a brat.

I think as a parallel issue you need to have a sit down with your partner and make it clear exactly how you feel and how juvenile his behaviour is. I think he sounds very immature and selfish, bringing it up in front of your MIL to pressure you into going is a massive issue.
If it were me, I would be sitting him down and making the following things extremely clear to him:
- you do not decide to do things like this without consulting me
- you do not make decisions for me
- your mother certainly does not make decisions for me
- you do not dismiss me to please your mother
- you do not put pressure on me to fall into line when we disagree

Be calm and reasonable about it, but he needs to know how you feel. If he can't acknowledge all of the above then you have a bigger problem than this trip tbh.

If he won't budge on accommodation and being more reasonable then I would not be going, because this trip under the current set up is as likely to damage your relationship with your in laws as not going at all.

ShaShaBear · 21-03-2019 1:26pm

To be absolutely honest, your husband sounds like a domineering bully and quite possibly a Mama's Boy (from what you've said regarding his mother interfering when he wants to do something and you want him to do something else).

I am 32 years of age and in two weeks time, my husband and I are taking our two kids aged 4 and 3 to the UK on a plane. Their first "holiday". I'm already nervous and anxious about managing all the travel documents, navigating security (my eldest girl would be very sensitive and find a packed airport, queues of people and machines bleeping a bit much). My husband gives 100% of himself to helping with my girls and we've travelled quite a bit ourselves and have been to the UK loads (I was actually born there), and I'm still racked with worry.

Honesty, your situation has ME in the sweats. I absolutely, totally would not go either. Being stuck in a strange country around people who bully you while you try to manage a cranky toddler in the heat they are not accustomed to and worrying about your condition sounds like an absolute waste of what I'm sure was quite a lot of money. Your husband has some bloody neck on him telling you not to ruin this for him. Because it sounds like he's pretty much ruined it for you!

Neyite · 21-03-2019 1:31pm

But that's why I haven't brought it up to him since because his response was very clear at the time that he said this was his holiday and that he didn't want me ruining it on him by not wanting to go.

You've tried to talk to him and this is his parting shot. Based on that, I'd pull out of the trip. Anything you ask him to do - take the baby for an hour on the plane, doing any of the child related stuff will be 'you ruining it on him' if you get ill or have a seizure there you'll be 'ruining it on him'

Fcuk that. He wants a three-week trip of a lifetime without even once considering that time zone changes mean that for the best part of the first week you'll be struggling with a child on Irish time and trying to get him/her to some normal sleep time, you have no idea what kind of house you are staying at - is it even suitable or safe for a toddler? You have no idea who he's living with. You have no idea if they even know that 4 adults and a toddler are descending on them for three weeks. They appear to have no firm plans as to what kind of things they'll want to do during their stay - even eating out usually clashes with a child's bedtime and it's all very well to say just bring her in a buggy but then they are pissed off when a cranky and exhausted child is roaring the place down. Can't win.

So yeah, I'd bow out because none of them are likely to help you out at all with a toddler in strange or unsafe surroundings. I'd just say "Husband, I've decided not to go to OZ with you all. I was not given enough information before the booking and since then I've realised it's not a holiday suitable for a toddler." If he disputes it, ask him loads of questions like does his brothers house have stairs, pool, childproofing? what is there for toddler to enjoy? He won't have the answers or if he does they won't be the right ones so that bolsters up your argument.

wiggle16 · 21-03-2019 2:16pm

Neyite wrote: »

. Anything you ask him to do - take the baby for an hour on the plane, doing any of the child related stuff will be 'you ruining it on him' if you get ill or have a seizure there you'll be 'ruining it on him'
[....]
So yeah, I'd bow out because none of them are likely to help you out at all with a toddler in strange or unsafe surroundings. I'd just say "Husband, I've decided not to go to OZ with you all. I was not given enough information before the booking and since then I've realised it's not a holiday suitable for a toddler." If he disputes it, ask him loads of questions like does his brothers house have stairs, pool, childproofing? what is there for toddler to enjoy? He won't have the answers or if he does they won't be the right ones so that bolsters up your argument.

Agreed!

morebabies · 21-03-2019 3:15pm

OK, I mightn't be popular for my opinion, but... I know personally how hard it is to stand up to a domineering member of the family who, in your case, cannot see the effort you will have to put in to make the trip possible.
In an ideal world, telling the mother-in-law you don't want to go would be the thing to do, but in reality, you are tied to that family for life (hopefully), and things could become very tense and awkward, particularly if your husband will side with his mother over you. If you pull out now they will probably never let you forget it, and relations between you and your husband /in-laws will be strained for the foreseeable future. That's the reality if you tell them now that you don't want to go.
So... I would be as prepared as you can be for the holiday with meds for yourself, and maybe find out about child/family friendly activities near to where you'll be staying. I would grit my teeth and just plough through the "holiday", and then just make sure you never get yourself put in such a situation again. Have your excuses ready, smile pleasantly, and just try and protect yourself from being put in a corner like this again. They probably will put you in awkward situations again, but just prepare yourself better to refuse with legitimate excuses, and in the future show them that no means no, but for now, I would just plough through the 3 weeks and put it down to experience. Maybe fake a few headaches while you're over there so the in-laws babysit for a while and you relax.

lulu1 · 21-03-2019 8:17pm

Op I would try and put my fears to one side and go but make it clear to your husband that you wont stay with strangers.

In saying all this I do feel your husband should take your feelings on board in the first place and not rushed you into making a decision.

Pauliedragon · 21-03-2019 8:41pm

FuNKy102 wrote: »

.

Yes I know what you mean and I agree 100% I wouldn't bring up any of those things because I get on very well with his brother and I like seeing him too when he's over. Do t get me wrong I'd love to go just not for as long maybe and It's just the meds and seizures I'm worried about esp being over there I'd feel like I'm out of safe zone it's daft but true and I just don't think I'm ready for that kind of journey yet! We have a Toddler.

OP I used to live in Australia and have epilepsy. If its any comfort the health system over there is very efficient compared to ours. Which part are you going to? Your other concerns I can't speak for but I can promise you I'd rather have a seizure over there than here and I've experienced both. Have a letter from your doc and enough meds for the trip and medically you'll be fine.

MissShihTzu · 22-03-2019 11:12am

I can see both sides here TBH. The way I see it, the flights have been booked without my input so I'm taking every opportunity to work this to my advantage!!

OP - I have a long term condition. It has never stopped me from going anywhere I want to go. You should be able to manage this. Talk to your GP. Get a copy of your prescription and a letter from the doctor. Take that with you. Take enough meds to last you a month and pack those in the hand luggage. Get decent travel insurance - one that includes repatriation if necessary. (Hopefully, you will never need it!) Have a chat about the baby too and make sure everything is in place to make the journey as comfortable as possible. Get ear defenders and ear plugs for the little one. Take some of her favourite toys, perhaps a blanky if she has one and books - anything to make a 27 hour trip a little more bearable.

Regarding the husband - he sounds a little immature to me. This is his holiday? OK - it's mine too! Get an Air BnB. I would not be staying in a house with a virtual stranger and two complete strangers for 3 weeks. I wouldn't worry about the BiL if he doesn't fancy going anywhere you want to go - You go and enjoy yourself! This is an amazing once in a lifetime opportunity, and I would take full advantage of it. You've been dropped in it by your husband so turn everything you can to your advantage.

I would also be having a chat with Hubby Dearest. Sit down when all this blows over and tell him what you want. Don't allow yourself to be bulldozed over like this again. Get support from your family and friends if you need to. He has to take his share of the house and childcare duties. You're his wife - Not his bloody maid!!

I hope it works out for you.

Big Bag of Chips · 22-03-2019 11:43am

OP, you do need to consider that Australia, although very far away is still a developed country. Children live there! Families visit there all the time. So it is as set up for children as here is. As already mentioned, look into things. Look in to what you can see and do while there. Make plans with your husband. Wherever you're going to, maybe look around and see can you travel to somewhere else for a few days just the 3 of you. Talk to him about what his expectations are for this trip. Does he see it as primarily a family holiday for the 3 of you, where he will also see his brother. Or does he see it as a trip primarily to go see and spend time with his brother, that his wife and toddler just happen to be coming along on too. What does he hope to do on the trip and where do you and the toddler fit in to that? If he plans on going out most evenings, would he like you to come along? Does he plan on going out with his family (brother and parents?) without the toddler?

It can be done. It's not an impossible task. Plenty of people go to Australia to see family, and plenty of them bring small children - but you need to know are you going on this holiday as a family, or are you effectively going as a single parent? It's is a lot of money, and it is a long way to go to be left to fend for yourself.

FuNKy102 · 22-03-2019 2:18pm

Hi thanks for the feed back I wi just have to have a long hard think about it Tbh.

My parents in law although they are quite old Foster teenagers and I asked her a while back would she not bring them and she said she could if she wanted but that she doesn't think it would be because it's too far of a trip on them and my husband has other sibling also so a while ago I decided to speak to my sister in law as they have other kids aswel one whom is near the same age as my own child and ask her would she consider going and she said no that it is too far for them at the moment and that she wss thinking of going out herself in a years time for a week without kids just to visit him and why didn't we go then so it's really hard because it's not a case that this is a visit where all the family are together because ethey might not get to go again it's more of a case that his parents are just going out to visit him and asked us and my husband jumped to it straight away and I feel like the only reason I'm going is so that he hasnt a guilty conscious by going without us!

It's just very hard to know what yo do tbh

Tiddlypeeps · 22-03-2019 3:26pm

You and your partner really need to figure out how to communicate with each other. This trip sounds like the least of your worries, how poorly you are both communicating your feelings around this to each other is indicative of a much bigger problem, one that is only going to get worse as time goes on if not tackled. I'd second what another poster said about couples counselling to help you figure out how to actually communicate with each other. If you can't figure out how to make him actually hear your concerns and if he can't figure out how to get his feeling across without sounding like a petulant child your relationship is going to be a very rocky road that will struggle to go the distance, double so with a child involved.

Big Bag of Chips · 22-03-2019 3:45pm

OP, I'm not sure what to advise you other than what has been said. It is clear from all your posts that you really really don't want to go on this holiday. And I think even the suggestions of how to make the most of it are not going to make a bit of difference to you.

I think rather than advising you on how to go on the holiday, advice on how you tell your husband you're not going would be more appropriate. I think whatever happens, whatever provisions are put in place, you are just not going to be happy going. If it plays out as you think it will with you doing all the minding of your child and your husband enjoying a 3 week "trip of a lifetime" then I can see why you're reluctant.

You and your husband do need to find a way to communicate with each other, as mentioned above. Because there will be many more times where things will need to be discussed and plans/compromises made.

SirChenjin · 23-03-2019 12:06am

wiggle16 wrote: »

I've my foot in both camps here. While it's a great opportunity, I don't blame you at all with how you feel though and I wouldn't be happy to go. It's not the trip of a lifetime if you don't want to go.

Put your foot down with him about accommodation. The idea of couch surfing for three weeks is ridiculous, never mind with a toddler in a house with two strangers (three really, i assume you don't know your brother in law well either). And with your husband and in laws in close proximity for that long it's a recipe for a row/falling out. Ridiculous, OTT situation.

Tell him if you're going you are not going under the current terms - you'll need to find accommodation nearby that's suitable for a toddler. Full stop.

I got annoyed for you reading your post, if I'd a partner like that I'd give him a clatter. Saying that you'd be "ruining" his trip, he's carrying on like a brat.

I think as a parallel issue you need to have a sit down with your partner and make it clear exactly how you feel and how juvenile his behaviour is. I think he sounds very immature and selfish, bringing it up in front of your MIL to pressure you into going is a massive issue.
If it were me, I would be sitting him down and making the following things extremely clear to him:
- you do not decide to do things like this without consulting me
- you do not make decisions for me
- your mother certainly does not make decisions for me
- you do not dismiss me to please your mother
- you do not put pressure on me to fall into line when we disagree

Be calm and reasonable about it, but he needs to know how you feel. If he can't acknowledge all of the above then you have a bigger problem than this trip tbh.

+1 to all of this post.

OP, there is so much more to this than the proposed trip.

Anyway, if it is going to be a case of you wrangling a small child, on your own, for three weeks, in unfamiliar surroundings, then 'a trip of a lifetime' or a 'once in a lifetime opportunity' it ain't. And where exactly does the BIL live. Not asking you that, but, just if it is in the arsehole of nowhere, well then...

Time for some serious conversation to be had. Minus the in-laws.

Whereisgerry? · 23-03-2019 1:30am

Hi OP,

I don't post on boards much but your story reminded me of a dilemma that I had a few years ago.

Firstly, I recognise that Oz wouldn't be an easy trip for you with a toddler, health worries and relationship issues but I think that you could make it work. You will definitely need to set some ground rules with your other half but I think that if you could find your own place to stay that you might actually enjoy it.

I'm also not standing up for your other half as he sounds like he is a handful but he seems very excited about the trip and who could blame him.

I have 3 children who were all under 6 at the time of my trip. I ended up lugging all 3 children across most of Asia (8 weeks) & the US (2 weeks) due to my husbands job. My choice was to stay at home alone for 10 weeks or to pack up and go along for the ride! My first reaction was pure horror - how would I manage the flights? Where would we stay? Did we need vaccines? What if someone got sick? How would I manage if I stayed at home alone? The list went on...

Anyway, after a lot of panic and a bit of research I decided to go and it was the best decision that I have ever made. It wasn't easy but it was worth it. Let me also point out that I'm not one of these gung-ho mothers who would go anywhere - I'm definitely not - I stress about everything. My husband worked a lot while we were away but we used the evenings and weekends wisely.

You have one small child, I know it seems scary but you can totally do this. Australia is an amazing place. You will love it. Don't pass up a chance like this because its unfamiliar ground. I don't think that you would regret going. But you might regret not going...

shamrock55 · 23-03-2019 1:35am

For christ sake you are not a child, if you don't want to go don't, tell your husband, no need to even speak about it to your in laws it's none of their business

corklily05 · 23-03-2019 10:12am

Hi OP,
From reading all the posts, all concerns have been covered at this stage. For you to go on this trip, and enjoy it, you need to go with peace of mind and all of your concerns need to be addressed with your husband.

Firstly, you cannot be a babysitter for 3 weeks while your husband has the time of his life. You're clearly outnumbered (or feel outnumbered) on this holiday and it seems like you've nobody to fall back on - you need to address this by coming to some agreement on his share of the babysitting.

Secondly, as other posters have said, australia is a very developed country but, as you have concerns about your meds, all of this needs to be sorted out before you go. Do you need to bring enough meds for 3 weeks? What do you need to do to get a prescription over there? etc..

Thirdly, the accommodation, this is a disaster! You don't even know if there is enough room for you all. So, you're expected to stay in a house with 3 lads, (all in their 20's and single?) who'll be out drinking, which they're entitled to do, coming in at all hours and you have a toddler. Also, your husband will want to go out drinking with them so, you can expect plenty of noise when they come back half cut from a night out. Accommodation with just the 3 of you is a must and you need to put your foot down on this. I'm married and have no kids and i'd still want my own space.

These are all red flags for me and also, it seems like you'll have nobody fighting your corner if you have any qualms with your husband over there.

For me, all of these issues would need to be addressed before you can travel, its your holiday aswell. If you're anxious about any of these things on the day of travelling, its going to cause you a lot of anxiety. You go on holiday to enjoy it and relax not to add more stress to your life. If these issues aren't addressed, i'd pull out.

Anyway, best of luck with it

shesty · 23-03-2019 7:21pm

ShaShaBear wrote: »

To be absolutely honest, your husband sounds like a domineering bully and quite possibly a Mama's Boy (from what you've said regarding his mother interfering when he wants to do something and you want him to do something else).

I am 32 years of age and in two weeks time, my husband and I are taking our two kids aged 4 and 3 to the UK on a plane. Their first "holiday". I'm already nervous and anxious about managing all the travel documents, navigating security (my eldest girl would be very sensitive and find a packed airport, queues of people and machines bleeping a bit much). My husband gives 100% of himself to helping with my girls and we've travelled quite a bit ourselves and have been to the UK loads (I was actually born there), and I'm still racked with worry.

Honesty, your situation has ME in the sweats. I absolutely, totally would not go either. Being stuck in a strange country around people who bully you while you try to manage a cranky toddler in the heat they are not accustomed to and worrying about your condition sounds like an absolute waste of what I'm sure was quite a lot of money. Your husband has some bloody neck on him telling you not to ruin this for him. Because it sounds like he's pretty much ruined it for you!

Me!!This is me, right down to the eldest child!!!It just would not be hapening.And to be honest, I would only be going on a holiday of a lifetime if I could enjoy it too....and I couldn't under those circumstances OP.

dellas1979 · 24-03-2019 12:03pm

Forget about Oz for a sec. Now is a perfect opportunity to assert yourself.

There is a lot of passiveness here on your part, and you cannot blame anyone else. That is to do with you.

A domineering MIL and a "roll over you" husband is how you are letting this play out.

And it will stay like this, forever, until you assert yourself!

If you are under pressure, learn to say "no", or "I will think about it and get back to you" and stick to it.

Learn to use your voice! Say what you want. Take control. Dont be a passenger in your life. Be the driver.

I think part of the struggle of this is you feel left out/forgotton in all this. You need to put you in the equation. Your needs are as important as them. If you are waiting for them to wake up and think "Oh how will poor Fiona/Mary manage" this will not happen. Everyone will think of their own situation. And they are not backwards in going forwards letting you know what they want. Time for you to speak up with what you want.

KevinCavan · 24-03-2019 12:06pm

From experience I’d say fly with in-laws, spend max a weekend with them and do your own “exploring” of Australia without them. Limit your time with them.Never s good idea to get too close to your in-laws.

FuNKy102 · 24-03-2019 2:33pm

Iv given alot of thought about this since I have first posted on here in fact I have have being giving alot of thought a bout this for sometime even before I needed advise.

And I'm not going to go! It's basically as simple as that. Iv weighted up the pros and cons and Tbh iv had more cons then Pros.

It's not just a case of my meds or being left out or being stuck with in laws and stranger for 3 weeks over there it's a case that I don't think this is the right time for me or my child to be travelling that far across the world at the minute.

I know it can be done but I also know that when your heart isn't fully into something there's no point in trying to pretend like it is just because others want it to be.

Yes I feel I was pressurised to some extend with him and my mother in law before I even really got to sit down and talk with him and be realistic about everything. But I also am most definitely not blaming him for me not wanting to go deep down I should have spoke up thats my own fault for not doing so.

Some may think I'm being selfish and some people may think I am not. But the truth is I'm just thinking of me and my child and given the fact that my OH doesn't really know how to do that at the best of time some one has to.

Its not something that I am going to just land on them out of the blue. I am going think carefully before I act on this and sit him down again and explain my case whether it is something he does or doesn't want to hear it all needs to be said.

We are nit supposed to be going till August so it is not Tbh like I am backing out a week before the trip I am giving them all plenty of notice beforehand. I will speak to him and then I will inform my mother in law. She may not like to hear the truth but to be honest I would prefer to have a clear mind then going around panicking with this in the back of my head for the next 5 months.
We have travel insurance taken out which I suppose is one reassuring thing.

I am nit going to prevent my husband for going jf he wants to see his brother that is okay he can go see his brother with his parents that is his choice but that's his decision to make not mine.

I will travel over that far when my child is abit older and more aware and the pressure has eased more so but nit yet I just cant and I think that's really the way I feel and its going to be hard trying to tell them because thats when the guilt trips will start happening but I'm just going to have t be firm about this one and stand my ground because this is a major thing to me and that's just I guess the way it is.

Thanks all for the advise it's much appreciated ðŸ‘

Big Bag of Chips · 24-03-2019 3:09pm

Don't let your husband, or in-laws turn this into an argument. State you case clearly. Your husband will probably try rise you with your "ruining" it for him. Tell him you have no intention of ruining it for anyone and that you have no problem with him going and enjoying the trip of a lifetime with his parents and brother, but that bringing a toddler along on it would seriously curtail that and you don't want to be over there hearing that you're "ruining" it for him by asking him to stay in with you and the child instead of going out with his brother.

If you remain calm and reasoned, then he can't argue with you. He can try. But it is very difficult to argue with someone who stays perfectly calm!!

Scared to travel that far with inlaws

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