Scared to travel that far with inlaws

FuNKy102

I don't know if I'm in the right thread but I am just wondering does anyone have any advise on this issue?

About 2 months ago my mother in law booked a trip to Australia for herself and her husband to visit there other son on their 40th anniversary and she asked me and my husband to go with them, I was very hesitant and indecisive though my husband was all on for it but I have never being that far before and we have a young child. The holiday is for 3 weeks and naturally there is no way I would dare think of leaving my child behind with my parents for that length of time. So anyways after immense pressure from both my mother in law and husband I agreed to go, I hadn't even said it a day and she had the flights booked for us, my husband brought out our passports to her when I was at work and she informed me that evening that all was booked. I was annoyed and said it to him that he shouldn't have done that but he just brushed me off saying get over it it's a once in a life time opportunity.

Anyways I am really nervous about it and I know it is silly but at 25 years of age iv never being away from my own family for that long and iv never being on holiday with his parents before and what really put me off was that fact that I was always under the impression that his brother lived alone over there but now he has informed us that he moved house and is living with two other men that we know nothing about and my husband expects us to stay in the house with them. So nit only will we ll be cramped up but with strangers to.

I have epilepsy and I'm worried about my meds and seizures also I should never have agreed to this at all but I was under extreme pressure and I tried to tell my husband how I feel but he told me I'm not going to ruin this on him once in a life time experience and getting to see his brother even though his brother was home a few months back for 5 weeks. I just feel guilty and nervous and panicky because my meds make me drowsy and all that and I'm unsure what to do to be honest.
I really don't want to go I'm not trying to be selfish I'm just scared

zapper55

Ok this is all sorts of mental that you've been put under pressure to do this and it sounds hugely stressful.

If it was me I'd say with the young baby, epilepsy meds etc it's not a good time for you to go and they should go without you. If you get any pushback just say you never got time to think about it properly.

Are you usually pushed into things with your in laws? Your husband should see it from your side but I suspect he's going along with it for an easy life

cruizer101

So wait the brother lives in a house with two other guys and you, your husband his mam and dad and your child are going to go over and all stay in the house for 3 weeks?
How big is the house?
Do the other guys know, I'd be pretty pissed if housemate invited that many people to stay over for a few days nevermind weeks.

bigpink

Don’t go just tell them
Sounds like they very forceful types
Staying with strangers is strange
Your only 25?

LegacyUser

OP it's clear you don't want to go regardless of the reasons so you are going to have to sit your husband down and have a very direct conversation with him. Don't let him just dismiss your concerns, you need to be able to talk to each other.

I would be careful about how you word some things, its not his parents fault, they are obviously excited to travel with one son and grandchild to see their other son and while they may have rushed you to organise it, it doesn't sound like they've been malicious about it. Saying his brother was home a few months ago also wouldn't be something I'd bring up, he lives in Australia so he is not going to be popping over on a regular basis. Personal at 25 I'd already gone travelling all over by myself and see little issue with the trip but that's my background and they see it differently to you and you need to be able to discuss that with your OH.

You have a medical issue that is causing you concern and this stress is adding to it so that is what you need to speak to your OH about it. If you start mentioning things like the accommodation for example as an issue he may just book you a hotel which solves that issue but doesn't remove your main issue for not wanting to go which is your health and just adds more pressure on you to go.

How old is your child? are they old enough to be aware of going somewhere new etc? If they are a baby/toddler I wouldn't be crazy about travelling so far with them but if they are old enough to understand whats happening your OH may push to take them without you.

FuNKy102

Yes my mother in law is very pushy woman! And I sometimes do feel ganged up on at times to do things when my husband is around them as she seems to get involved alot for example if my husband wanted to go somewhere with his mates for the day and I needed him to do something for me, if his mother heard about it she would be contacting me saying " oh I think he should go and do it" it's hard to explain but situations like that sort of thing!!!

I don't know if the other men he lives with know or not to be honest? I didn't even ask because Iv being more stressed thinking how I'm going to face them all and tell them I don't want to go.

Ever since I tried telling my husband in the beginning as I stated earlier I feel like since then he is purposely bringing up Australia anytime we are at his home house to his mum saying how much his brother is looking forward to us going over...

FuNKy102

bigpink wrote: »

Don’t go just tell them
Sounds like they very forceful types
Staying with strangers is strange
Your only 25?

Yes they are very. I don't have any intention of staying in a house with men iv never met Tbh.
I know I'm 25 and this prob looks childish but it's the way it is I suppose in just going to have to say something to them. Thanks ðŸ‘

FuNKy102

cruizer101 wrote: »

So wait the brother lives in a house with two other guys and you, your husband his mam and dad and your child are going to go over and all stay in the house for 3 weeks?
How big is the house?
Do the other guys know, I'd be pretty pissed if housemate invited that many people to stay over for a few days nevermind weeks.

I know that's what I thought when I heard it. I don't know how big it is, and I don't even know if them men are aware or what the hell but I don't want to stay with men I don't know and a small child and I can't imagine that they would be pleased with a toddler for 3 weeks either!!

dudara

It is a wonderful opportunity to travel to Australia for 3 weeks, and it would be a shame to miss out because you were scared. You might regret it later.

Instead of shying away from the situation, is there anything that you can do take charge of it or impose some control?

Can you work out a plan to travel safely with your medication and with your child? Can you organise separation accommodation for yourself and your family (the others can stay with the brother)?

Purple Mountain

dudara wrote: »

It is a wonderful opportunity to travel to Australia for 3 weeks, and it would be a shame to miss out because you were scared. You might regret it later.

Instead of shying away from the situation, is there anything that you can do take charge of it or impose some control?

Can you work out a plan to travel safely with your medication and with your child? Can you organise separation accommodation for yourself and your family (the others can stay with the brother)?

Yea I'd agree with this.
You husband and toddler could rent an Air bnb for 3 weeks.
I assume that the inlaws paid the flights?
It would be way OTT for the 3 of you to stay in a house with 2 men who won't be too impressed with this imposition.
Speak to your GP about travelling and minding your meds and bring a photocopy of your prescription with you.

FuNKy102

can't log in wrote: »

OP it's clear you don't want to go regardless of the reasons so you are going to have to sit your husband down and have a very direct conversation with him. Don't let him just dismiss your concerns, you need to be able to talk to each other.

I would be careful about how you word some things, its not his parents fault, they are obviously excited to travel with one son and grandchild to see their other son and while they may have rushed you to organise it, it doesn't sound like they've been malicious about it. Saying his brother was home a few months ago also wouldn't be something I'd bring up, he lives in Australia so he is not going to be popping over on a regular basis. Personal at 25 I'd already gone travelling all over by myself and see little issue with the trip but that's my background and they see it differently to you and you need to be able to discuss that with your OH.

You have a medical issue that is causing you concern and this stress is adding to it so that is what you need to speak to your OH about it. If you start mentioning things like the accommodation for example as an issue he may just book you a hotel which solves that issue but doesn't remove your main issue for not wanting to go which is your health and just adds more pressure on you to go.

How old is your child? are they old enough to be aware of going somewhere new etc? If they are a baby/toddler I wouldn't be crazy about travelling so far with them but if they are old enough to understand whats happening your OH may push to take them without you.

.


Yes I know what you mean and I agree 100% I wouldn't bring up any of those things because I get on very well with his brother and I like seeing him too when he's over. Do t get me wrong I'd love to go just not for as long maybe and It's just the meds and seizures I'm worried about esp being over there I'd feel like I'm out of safe zone it's daft but true and I just don't think I'm ready for that kind of journey yet! We have a Toddler.

2013Lara

Agree with above. Take control. Go to Australia, fab!! and you're very lucky to be in the position to be able to go. But don't stay with your in laws. I wouldn't even stay with my own mother for three weeks and we get on very well. Find somewhere close by for the three of you to stay so you have breathing space. Go on your terms and enjoy every minute of it. Spend time with them but also spend time on your own with your partner. When more kids come along it probably wouldn't be something you'll be able to do due to cost. I'm saying this as a 32 year old with three kids and a mortgage. I'd have loved to have the opportunity! Don't over think it! Bonus too, you'll have a babysitter to go out and spend some time with hubby too.

If you still really don't want to go closer the time, stay home and let your partner go.

FuNKy102

dudara wrote: »

It is a wonderful opportunity to travel to Australia for 3 weeks, and it would be a shame to miss out because you were scared. You might regret it later.

Instead of shying away from the situation, is there anything that you can do take charge of it or impose some control?

Can you work out a plan to travel safely with your medication and with your child? Can you organise separation accommodation for yourself and your family (the others can stay with the brother)?

I know what you mean it is a once in a life time opportunity to be missing out on. But I just think what is there for me and our child like his brother is a single man with no responsibility he is going to want to go places and do things that don't involve a child in the equation which is understandable, but I think it will just be me and our child left with my OH parents for 3 weeks while he has a once in a lifetime holiday experience Tbh! I thought it would have being more appropriate to bring our child on a family holiday nearer rather then go over there just yet.

I still would love to go myself but as it is my own family/siblings are all against me travelling over there with my seizures and a small child aswel because they have expressed that I will be very stressed out and very much on my own while my husband will be elsewhere with his brother. I don't know Tbh I just have to have a long think before making any rash decisions just yet.

hello2020

agree with this.. its once in a life time opportunity to travel..
with a baby and medical condition, i will say its better to have family around as they can support you with child care and you might get small but much needed breaks..

from personal experience, it gets more expensive and difficult to travel when u have more kids so take this chance and enjoy the most..
u can plan to visit different cities with ur other half and stay in hotels or air bnb.
not many stays in one place for three weeks on a vacation !

FuNKy102

2013Lara wrote: »

Agree with above. Take control. Go to Australia, fab!! and you're very lucky to be in the position to be able to go. But don't stay with your in laws. I wouldn't even stay with my own mother for three weeks and we get on very well. Find somewhere close by for the three of you to stay so you have breathing space. Go on your terms and enjoy every minute of it. Spend time with them but also spend time on your own with your partner. When more kids come along it probably wouldn't be something you'll be able to do due to cost. I'm saying this as a 32 year old with three kids and a mortgage. I'd have loved to have the opportunity! Don't over think it! Bonus too, you'll have a babysitter to go out and spend some time with hubby too.

If you still really don't want to go closer the time, stay home and let your partner go.

Thanks i know what you mean but while it does sound brilliant and I'd love it to be like that that's not going to be the reality of the situation.

Unfortunately the reality of it is that I have always being the one who is left to do everything when it comes to our child, my husband barely helps out at home, at an event or any other occasion so I don't see how this will be any different except we will be in a different country. His parents are very old and our child has never being left with them before Tbh so I don't know how our child would react either. I just don't know Tbh but thanks I agree with what your saying

dudara

Put the trip aside for one minute, it sounds as if ypur real issue is your husband’s lack of responsibility to his parental duties.

FuNKy102

dudara wrote: »

Put the trip aside for one minute, it sounds as if ypur real issue is your husband’s lack of responsibility to his parental duties.

There is that too but that is something we have talked about and he is aware that he does not pull his weight and has expressed that he will try to do so more. As it stands at the moment I'm just concerned about my meds and this journey and the fact that everything will be left down to me and I will be half way across the world. Its just the way I feel and Tbh everyone has being very helpful and polite towards this situation I got myself into and everything sounds great and I'd love for this to be the best experience ever and I mean even I have told myself over and over its Australia of all places somewhere fabulous to go. But I just know myself deep down I'm not ready for it yet no matter who I tell or how much I try to get people to try and convince me other wise.

Its sh*ty but I have found myself in a predicament that I possibly didn't think through enough out of pressure when I should have just stood up nd said no from the get go.!.

Having said all that I would never prevent my OH from going with his parents to see his brother.

zapper55

Jesus the holiday is the least of your problem. Your husband sounds like he isn't pulling his weight at all. No wonder he wants to go on this holiday, sounds like he'll go on the tear the whole time.

If I were you I'd suggest marriage counselling. You can't keep continuing like this..

Dial Hard

I think there are quite a few issues at play here OP and you could do with unpicking all of them. You say his family are quite pushy and controlling but this:

FuNKy102 wrote: »

I still would love to go myself but as it is my own family/siblings are all against me travelling over there with my seizures and a small child aswel because they have expressed that I will be very stressed out and very much on my own while my husband will be elsewhere with his brother.

Sounds like your own family might be just as bad. Are you a bit of a pushover in general? It kind of sounds like it, sorry to be so blunt. Because, you wouldn't accept this:

FuNKy102 wrote: »

Unfortunately the reality of it is that I have always being the one who is left to do everything when it comes to our child, my husband barely helps out at home, at an event or any other occasion so I don't see how this will be any different except we will be in a different country. His parents are very old and our child has never being left with them before Tbh so I don't know how our child would react either. I just don't know Tbh but thanks I agree with what your saying

If you had a strong sense of self and plenty of backbone. And it's all well and good your husband saying he's going to change and help out more and whatnot, but what is he actually doing???

I think you're seizing on the meds and your epilepsy as a reason not to go when it sounds like there's a *lot* of other stuff going on. You're only 25 which is very young to be married with a toddler, but not so young that a trip to Australia should feel so daunting. Plenty of people your age have gone travelling solo and for much longer. You'll be going with support and company.

I get the impression that you're a bit of an innocent and maybe a bit naive/vulnerable with it. How long have you been with your husband? What was he like before the baby came along, did he pull his weight at home then or has he always suited himself? I think regardless of what you decide to do about the trip, you need to have a long, hard sit-down with yourself and then with him about what kind of marriage you're happy to be in. The longer this dynamic (of you doing everything while he comes and goes as he pleases) goes on, the harder it will be to change.

shesty

You're not overreacting. Once in a lifetime is all very well, but it's not once in a lifetime if it means you will be sitting trying to amuse a toddler every day while your OH has a great time. And stressing about what might happen if you have seizures.It's just a massive big ball of stress and worry, and that totally overshadows it all. Which, let's face it, is not fun.



If you must go - organise other accommodation. I cannot stress this enough.


If you really feel this is something you cannot do (cannot do right now, I might add) - you do need to talk to your OH, away from his parents. And stand your ground. Even if he went himself, you would be at home with family support at least.


I am saying this as the mum of three small kids - if my OH went and did this I would hit the ceiling. Yes I do want to go travelling or skiing or whatever - I do not want to do it with 3 small kids in tow, because I will be left to carry the burden of trying to settle them in a new country for a holiday and sort them out everyday.Despite the fact that my husband is a good man and does pull his weight. But my kids will not be small forever and time will come when they are even a couple of years older and travelling with them will be easier. And I don't have epilepsy, which is an added worry.


Setting the holiday aside though, you do need to sort out your OH and get him to pull his weight more.

LegacyUser

OP you have to sit down and discuss this with your OH. The fact that he is planning to fly to the other side of world with toddler but thinks you can all crash with his brother is madness. He is not considering your medical condition either and sounds like you will be left to look after the kid and not actually see any of the country. You need to be frank with him, if he wants to go spend time with his brother then you aren't going along just to be a babysitter. If you don't learn to communicate better you'll find yourself on a plane with a screaming child, a husband and inlaws who won't help you and at high risk of having a fit miles up in the air. It would be amazing to go away on a trip like this but only if you are actually going to enjoy it.

JustAThought

It is a huge amount of money for them to spend & it clearly means a lot to them to have all the family together & to have one probably last family memory with everyone together and everyone included. No doubt they have been supportive of your illness over the years & will be there to help you in the future too if /when you need it for your epilepsy. We all have to be part of a family and pull together as a team from time to time - this is your time to support your husband and your childs grandparents and to appreciate a costly and long anticipated trip to celebrate their 40 years of married life and their family. Shelve focusing on your problems and focus on how this could be a good thing instead of thinking about possible negatives. Air bnb or a hotel rental for 3 weeks could be impossibly out of financial reach for them. You will have to trust that you will be welcomed and treated kindly. Look forward to a new adventure and a trip that will probably nevér happen again. You will possibly have a really interesting experience and might well really enjoy yourself. As for your medical worries spend e60 on yourself and get advice from your doctor on long haul travel and the possible effects of heat & counterbalancing medical advice specific to your medical history. Its a long way & 3 weeks but you will probably only ever go once in your lufe so take sensulible advice , swallow your angst and feats and trust. You might love it.

tupenny

JustAThought wrote: »

It is a huge amount of money for them to spend & it clearly means a lot to them to have all the family together & to have one probably last family memory with everyone together and everyone included..

Irrelevant. They're pressurising OP, and the whole set up is ridiculous with a toddler.
OP you obviously have zero interest in going, so ignore those saying "once in a lifetime experience" etc. If it's not for you and it sounds like it would be a chore, don't go.
Don't allow yourself to be pressured into it if you dont want to go

afkasurfjunkie

The healthcare system is quite good there anyway. When I was in Sydney I got dr apppontments quicker than I would at home and their advice was actually more up to date than my gp at home.

Big Bag of Chips

You seem to be in panic mode now and cannot see any good in this at all.

Maybe you will decide that you simply can't do it, and that's fine. Or maybe you could sit with your husband and talk to him, really talk to him. It sounds like he dominates you a bit and you don't get heard. You need to tell him why this is such a big deal for you, whereas it mightn't be for him or his parents.

For a start the bulk of looking after your child will fall to you, and you are just thinking if the practicalities of that. That's not something that he or his parents really have to consider. Also your epilepsy is a huge factor. Again, not something that they have to consider. Change of environment, stressful situations (which long haul flight with a toddler is likely to be at some point) could trigger something. These are not minor issues, and it sounds like you are an anxious type anyway, so all this will be magnified in your mind.

Don't fight with your husband on this, just yet. You agreed to go, so it's understandable the flights were booked once you agreed. But you both need to sit down and go through everything. You need to go to your GP and your husband should go with you. You need to look into alternative accommodation. You also need to let your husband know that if you do go it will be as a family with a toddler. That this can't be a 3 week piss-up with his brother and if that's what he hopes it will be then you'd feel better at home in the comfort of your own surroundings and let him go by himself.

If he agrees that he will be there to support you, then he can't sulk on the holiday if he feels his "holiday of a lifetime" is curtailed by his child being there.

This could be the chance of a lifetime, it could also be a very lonely time if you already have a sense of how it will play out.

Talk to each other, and make him hear your very valid concerns. It doesn't have to be a battle.

Savage_Henry

Would you be upset if he went alone with parents?

FuNKy102

Savage_Henry wrote: »

Would you be upset if he went alone with parents?

Tbh no I wouldn't be upset at all because i trust him of course

FuNKy102

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You seem to be in panic mode now and cannot see any good in this at all.

Maybe you will decide that you simply can't do it, and that's fine. Or maybe you could sit with your husband and talk to him, really talk to him. It sounds like he dominates you a bit and you don't get heard. You need to tell him why this is such a big deal for you, whereas it mightn't be for him or his parents.

For a start the bulk of looking after your child will fall to you, and you are just thinking if the practicalities of that. That's not something that he or his parents really have to consider. Also your epilepsy is a huge factor. Again, not something that they have to consider. Change of environment, stressful situations (which long haul flight with a toddler is likely to be at some point) could trigger something. These are not minor issues, and it sounds like you are an anxious type anyway, so all this will be magnified in your mind.

Don't fight with your husband on this, just yet. You agreed to go, so it's understandable the flights were booked once you agreed. But you both need to sit down and go through everything. You need to go to your GP and your husband should go with you. You need to look into alternative accommodation. You also need to let your husband know that if you do go it will be as a family with a toddler. That this can't be a 3 week piss-up with his brother and if that's what he hopes it will be then you'd feel better at home in the comfort of your own surroundings and let him go by himself.

If he agrees that he will be there to support you, then he can't sulk on the holiday if he feels his "holiday of a lifetime" is curtailed by his child being there.

This could be the chance of a lifetime, it could also be a very lonely time if you already have a sense of how it will play out.

Talk to each other, and make him hear your very valid concerns. It doesn't have to be a battle.

I have brought up the subject with him already about this before and I explained to him how I felt about meds etc and that I just didnt feel right lugging a small child that far for 3 weeks that it would be different if we had lived there or being before ourselves and we knew what we were doing going over but we haven't ever being there we are going into this completely blind unknown. But that's why I haven't brought it up to him since because his response was very clear at the time that he said this was his holiday and that he didn't want me ruining it on him by not wanting to go. Thanks for your advise. I just have to be careful and think more so into this I guess.

FuNKy102

can't log in wrote: »

OP you have to sit down and discuss this with your OH. The fact that he is planning to fly to the other side of world with toddler but thinks you can all crash with his brother is madness. He is not considering your medical condition either and sounds like you will be left to look after the kid and not actually see any of the country. You need to be frank with him, if he wants to go spend time with his brother then you aren't going along just to be a babysitter. If you don't learn to communicate better you'll find yourself on a plane with a screaming child, a husband and inlaws who won't help you and at high risk of having a fit miles up in the air. It would be amazing to go away on a trip like this but only if you are actually going to enjoy it.

That to be honest is exactly how I feel it will pan out

osarusan

I'd talk to your husband and lay out your concerns, especially the concerns that he can/should help to deal with.

You are worried about a seizure in a foreign country - what can you both do to prepare for that?

You are worried that he is going to be off with his brother most of the time leaving you alone - what reassurances can he offer about that?

You are very much against the idea of moving into a house for 3 weeks with complete strangers to you - what ideas does he have about that?

Make it clear that if you go, as a family, it needs to be on your terms as much as his, and you and your child's holiday experience must be a priority for him. If he wants to go on a 3-week bender, you don't have an issue with that, but you'd rather just stay home so he can have the freedom to do that.

wiggle16

I've my foot in both camps here. While it's a great opportunity, I don't blame you at all with how you feel though and I wouldn't be happy to go. It's not the trip of a lifetime if you don't want to go.

I think you need to figure out if the primary reason is that you are scared because you've never travelled like that before, or if it actually isn't feasible for practical reasons. If you take control of certain things then the practical side is not an issue.

I'm epileptic too and a seizure is not something you'd want to happen while abroad in particular. However, I don't see an issue with bringing enough medication to cover you for 3 weeks? Do you have seizures often or are you at risk of breakthrough seizures? If you are on a battery of meds then you can get a letter from your doctor explaining why you are travelling with so much. Check online what the story is with bringing medication into Australia.

Put your foot down with him about accommodation. The idea of couch surfing for three weeks is ridiculous, never mind with a toddler in a house with two strangers (three really, i assume you don't know your brother in law well either). And with your husband and in laws in close proximity for that long it's a recipe for a row/falling out. Ridiculous, OTT situation.

Tell him if you're going you are not going under the current terms - you'll need to find accommodation nearby that's suitable for a toddler. Full stop.

I got annoyed for you reading your post, if I'd a partner like that I'd give him a clatter. Saying that you'd be "ruining" his trip, he's carrying on like a brat.

I think as a parallel issue you need to have a sit down with your partner and make it clear exactly how you feel and how juvenile his behaviour is. I think he sounds very immature and selfish, bringing it up in front of your MIL to pressure you into going is a massive issue.
If it were me, I would be sitting him down and making the following things extremely clear to him:
- you do not decide to do things like this without consulting me
- you do not make decisions for me
- your mother certainly does not make decisions for me
- you do not dismiss me to please your mother
- you do not put pressure on me to fall into line when we disagree

Be calm and reasonable about it, but he needs to know how you feel. If he can't acknowledge all of the above then you have a bigger problem than this trip tbh.

If he won't budge on accommodation and being more reasonable then I would not be going, because this trip under the current set up is as likely to damage your relationship with your in laws as not going at all.