Can’t understand it can anyone?

I dont really agree that women like a bit of work to do, in my expeirence, knowing some women and men who like a bit of drama in their relationships and like being kept on their toes, theyre sometimes very insecure themselves and constantly get treated badly in relationships. There is definitly something appealing about a roolercoaster relationship, that goes for men and women but these relationships arent healthy and I wouldnt be advising anyone to appraoch a relationship like this.
Your friend may look as though he's attracting all the girls but really, any girl that know what he's like and still wants him will have desperatly low self esteem or allot of growing up to do. Also, theres allot to be said for charisma and some personality types can get away with all sorts of behaviour. Thats no refelction on either gender, its just human nature, some people are very good at manipulating others, some people easily fall vulnerable to manipulation.

Reading through your post you strike me as the type of person that would describe themselves as 'nice' and you also come across quite young, Id take a guess and say youre late teens/early 20's.

What youre doing and how youre behaving isnt nice op and you seem to have no awareness of yourself and your behaviour. Think about the reasons why you are consistently at the beck and call of women to your own detriment? Are you expecting to be rewarded? Do you feel that, because you are nice, these girls must be nice back to you or they owe you relationships in return?
When youre behaving this way could it be that youre trying desperatly to be liked?

Youre behaviour isnt nice op, its not even respectful, honestly it come across like you have no awareness of other peoples boundaries let alone your own. Do you ever actually listen to these women?
You cant make people like you by behaving like a lapdog. Keep this up and you'll soon have anger issues, self esteem issues amd mental health problems if youre not already experiencing these. This behaviour pattern is not healthy and not normal. I strongly believe that we teach people how to treat us. If you have no respect for yourself you leave yourself open to all sorts of abuse and manipulation.

Thats not to suggest you should be nasty to other people but you cant continue to put yourself in the line of fire with this detrimental and immature mindset. You said you make them your world - Op thats not being nice or kind, no one wants to be the center of anyones world and if they do they have their own issues, do you not have hobbies or interests to focus on?, youre incredibly co dependant, its so unhealthy.

I'd reccomend you get some counselling and try to work through why you feel the need to behave this way around women. Please get some help.

You've had three relationships so you clearly have no trouble initially attracting women. Keeping them has been the problem. My advice would be in your next relationship to put yourself first. I don't mean that to mean you be a self-centred and self-absorbed ass but rather that if you have interests, hobbies or pursuits then you continue to engage with them, you make a point of having time to yourself, you keep in touch with friends/see them when it allows etc. The derivation of the old adage of treating them "mean" to keep them keen has some merit. There are relationships where the mean part of that refers to abusive partners where the abused stubbornly remain committed (that describes your friend’s situation) but for your situation the "mean" part is you showing some back bone. For example, you decide what to do on a date, where to go, you don't back down in an argument if you believe yourself to be right, you refuse to be completely agreeable e.g. if she hated a movie you saw but you liked it, then you don't automatically agree. You'd ask why she didn't like it. You would say that you liked it, you'd give your reasons why. You wouldn’t mind challenging her. That’s the keeping them keen aspect. Even flipping the scenario where she loved something and you weren't afraid to upset her by positing your own opinion. It's that kind of confident "having your sh*t together/comfortable with who you are/comfortable in your own skin" attitude while, importantly, conducting yourself in a polite and respectful way which is what keeps them keen. Have you ever encountered anyone who agrees with whatever you say, who is a push over? You would quickly lose respect for that person. What I feel happened to you is that your partners simply lost respect for you and lost interest via boredom.

From your post you've described yourself as a supplicating, kowtowing and devoted nice guy. There is no equal footing there at all. Your status is subordinate, submissive and boring. It’s all give and no take from your end. This doesn’t mean you need to be like your friend. It doesn’t mean you need to be domineering, controlling or act like a dick. It means simple things like not backing down during arguments if you feel you're right or doing whatever they wanted to do or apologizing to make peace, cancelling your life to cater for theirs, buying them presents. It's a prime example of not showing back bone. If you are submissive with them, you, by extension must (or might) be submissive with others. For whatever reasons, it has resulted in the loss of three relationships but, to give some crude analogy, think of a successful relationship as an oscillation. You will have her needs and desires but to have an equilibrium point you need to have your own needs and desires to allow for a proper oscillation (i.e. relationship). Needs and desires are your outlook, your pursuits, your opinions etc. It’s give and take but, like any oscillation, you always meet in the middle. If all your energy is applied to your partners side of that equilibrium point there can be no "spring" as there was nothing pulling her back to your needs and desires.

As a woman, purple mountains post made me cringe a little. I wouldn't say that women in general want to be "kept on their toes" by a man but on the opposite spectrum your approach of bending over backwards for the woman in your life comes across as being a doormat who has no individual opinions or desires. You let them win arguments and let them make all the choices. That's boring after a while.

Most adult women want to go out with an adult man who has sense of self. Someone who just goes along with everything comes across as a bit of a personality-less drip.

It sounds like you think you have to impress women with how accomodating you are when in reality all your doing is hiding your own personality behind a veneer of "look how nice I am". Let them see that you have opinions and preferences, don't be a dull yes man.

I agree with the others that your behaviour isn’t good for anyone. I once dated a guy exactly like you. He was so nice all the time and always respectful and sweet. But he was so intense. I couldn’t do anything without a million missed calls and questions. If I took a good few days to see him he’d be all upset and sad. He actually made me happy when we were together though but what turned me off him was that he was foreign and I always wondered if he was using me for a visa to stay. (Horrible thing to wonder but just that he never showed me his opinions or needs and made his life fully about impressing me and making me happy.., then when all the pressure began for us to get married I ran...)
Was he a good guy or a user? I’ll never know...

Your idea of how women like to be treated seems to be different from how these women wanted to be treated at least. Too much intensity will tire anybody out.

And stop comparing yourself to your dickhead mate.

ToddDameron wrote: »

None of that post relates to the OP. So not sure why they are "exactly the same" in your eyes.

OP at the risk of using the cliché, just be yourself. You got unlucky three times in a row, but you'll definitely find someone that values kindness and loyalty above all else.

I was thinking the same thing....was reading that like huh? How is that in any way relevant!

OP, I can only echo what others have said.

Firstly - I don't know why your mates girlfriend puts up with him let alone wants to marry him. I certainly would never put up with that and most women I know wouldn't either. He sounds like a tragic cliche to be honest. Don't try to be like him.

Secondly - what you describe as "nice" comes across as codependent, dull and unsustainable. Who says a person with hobbies, opinions etc and who stands up for themselves is not a nice person? You don't have to give up who you are to be a good person. The fact that your instincts clearly are to please other people probably does mean you're fundamentally a good person, but I honestly believe the vast majority of women don't want a relationship where they get their own way regardless of right or wrong.

My partner is a good person. He's also snarky, sarcastic and intellectually superior sometimes. He can also be a bit of a grinch about making the effort sometimes. But he's also funny, clever and has strong convictions and is fundamentally a good person. Our relationship has lasted because we bounce off each other, our personalities are complementary but not the same. We disagree sometimes but we work around it and get over it. I respect him and he respects me, because we're both autonomous individuals and challenge each other. No one gets their way 100% of the time, but neither of us resent the other, its compromise and its healthy.

I fundamentally don't think a woman can respect a Yes Man in the long term, because respect is earned and you have to tell people how you're willing to be treated and walk away if those expectations are not met.

That's harsh. They are choosing the OP too. It takes two to tango.

Abusers often selectively choose their victims and manipulate them into being "chosen" by the victim. (Not saying the op was involved in abusive relationships)

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

OP you are the one making the bad choices. YOu are choosing these woman. The ONLY common denominator between them is YOU.

You choose them. Now you ask yourself why...and you make better choices.

I find people who choose abusive partner after abusive partner never want to change the type of person they are going for. They want to change themselves. It doesn't matter who you are or how you treat the next one if the next woman you pick is also an abuser.

It doesn't matter what your friend does if the next girl he picks is one of the most giving sweetest people.

You don't pick em well.

Doesn't matter how many boundaries you put up if your pick is ignorant spoilt and selfish.

Find a really nice decent sweet girl who will just naturally treat you like a king.

Maybe I missed something but I didnt see anything in the post that would indicate these partners are abusive? Arguments and disagreements are a normal part of relationships. They leave him in the end which is not ideal but certainly not abusive.
That said, Excessively passive/codependent behavior will attract abusive people eventually, one way or another. Until the OP can approach relationships in a healthy way, he will attract people who have an equally unhealthy approach to relationships while people who know what a healthy relationship looks like, will avoid him like the plague or leave him as they will spot the red flags. He is leaving himself open to all sorts of manipulation and abuse. That goes for anyone and has nothing to do with gender.

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Maybe I missed something but I didnt see anything in the post that would indicate these partners are abusive? Arguments and disagreements are a normal part of relationships. They leave him in the end which is not ideal but certainly not abusive.
.

I got the impression he was a nice guy being taken for a ride. I bet if you asked him did those women treat him well while they were with him he would have to say no. I could be wrong though.

Actually someone above ..im not sure who it was said something about people making it seem like you made the choice but they only manipulated it to be this way. I am not sure how to works. I think its probably worth paying attention to though.


As regards being nice or whatever. Well since you have a pattern of choosing wrong ones or wrong ones choosing you. Give the girl time to show you how well (or not ) she can treat you.

Give her opportunities to show you who she is.

Nice but not nice etc. Avoid the red flags Airy fairy said. I assumed you would do this anyway. Its kind of common sense.

OP I’ve been in the exact same situation as you. I’m not going to repeat what others have said here because it all makes sense.

If I could sum up advice to you (and myself) in one word it would be “Confidence”. Be confident. No need to be a prick, just be confident. Tone back the intensity. And so what if you lose a relationship, you’ll have another, your past has shown you this.

If you succeed with this please tell me how....