Can’t understand it can anyone?

Ash.J.Williams

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

<Snip> Please don't quote entire posts. It clogs threads with duplicate text and makes it difficult to read for users on the touch site.

Early 30s

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

Ash J Williams, when posting in PI you are asked to post in a civil and constructive manner. I've removed part of your post that was below the standard required here. Please read the charter before posting again.

bottlebrush

OP, I'm guessing that your pattern of pleasing people did not just emerge when you began dating. You don't have to answer these questions here but when you look back on your earlier life, did you have experiences in your close networks -family, school, work i.e. situations where people largely need to get on - of individuals who did not respect your boundaries, opinions, wants/needs, despite you trying to stand your ground. Strong, demanding personalities perhaps, who would be better appease than challenge, for a quiet life. And then, over time, it evolved into it being your responsibility, not theirs, to keep the peace. Anything for a quiet life. So they always got their way, and you never got the things you wanted.

And at some stage did this evolve to where you have subconsciously conceded that in order for a relationship to 'work' you need to give a girl everything she wants and do anything she wants. To what end? So you can have a quiet life, with no conflict. Which is of course what everybody wants, but you should now see that your approach doesn't work. If you are not having your own needs met, and it leads to conflict, you should now be able to recognise this early on and if it can't be fixed, then YOU move on. Just because you start dating somebody it doesn't mean that you are going to have to be with them for life. Assume that what they are in the beginning is going to be the person they are going to be for the rest of their lives. You are not going to get a template that you can change to your liking.

Of course, none of the above may apply to you but nevertheless you need to stop concentrating on what you think a girl wants. Decide what you want and don't be afraid to ask for it. Be prepared to compromise (but not give in every time). If this still leads to conflict you are simply not compatible. Don't hang on in there being the guy who will do for the moment until a better guy comes along. In the case of these three girls, they moved on because at some point they realised they weren't compatible with you.

ILoveYourVibes

OP I don't mean to be offensive or insensitive but just to be clear by

'I make them my world'

do you mean you demand a lot of their time ? You have no other things going on? Your focus is a relationship?

This can be very draining rather than nurturing. In fact it's the opposite of nurturing.

Sorry if i made the wrong assumption about that turn of phrase.

TheBoyConor

You are making it too easy for them. No challenge to them. Nobody wants a walkover.
Basically, you are being too pussyish. Nev to man up a bit.

kylith

Honestly, i’m probably going to sound harsh here; you’re boring. You’re a spineless yes man. You answer the phone immediately, you make them your world = you have no life of your own.

Do you ever push for something you want to do? A restaurant you want to go to? Do you Stand up for yourself? Do you have your own opinion?

Not all women want a challenge, or someone who treats them badly, but what we do want is a person with enough self confidence to have their own opinions, who doesn’t apologise for things that aren’t their fault, who isn’t constantly at their beck and call, who doesn’t agree with everything they say just to keep the peace.

I agree that you should probably take some time off to think about what _you_ want in a relationship, who you are, what you want, and your confidence overall.

ztoical

Both the relationship you had OP and the one your mate has don't appeal to me OP. I don't want a guy bending over backwards for me and taking blame even when they aren't at fault, whats appealing about that? That's not a relationship thats someone treating you like an object at least for me and at the other end someone treating you awful and cheating on you...ugh no comment.

OP my best friend would be like you, he went through several girlfriends and I would struggle to tell you them apart, I call them all by the same name now as there really was very little difference between them. My friend likes being a good partner, looking after someone etc and all of these girls took advantage while it suited them then cheated on him. When he introduced me to his, then GF, now wife I knew straight away she was different from all the others. Yes my friend still wanted to look after her and on occasion she lets him but she usually tells him when he's pushing to far and he's learned to pull back. You shouldn't have to change who you are for other people OP but that doesn't mean you'll be a match for everyone. Sorry if it's a cliche but you just have to keep trying till you met the right person. The right people should balance each other.

Nicky88

Adam 76 wrote: »

Can anyone understand this. So basically I’m a man in my early 30s and I’ve noticed a pattern with my past girlfriends. I’ve had 3 relationships and all 3 have ended in the same way with my girlfriend breaking my heart and leaving me for someone else. I have always treated girls so well. I apologise to them in fights even when I’m not wrong just to make peace. I chase them and I put them first always. I always do what they want and never think of myself. I buy them lots of presents and cook for them. I make them my whole world and answer my phone in an instant. My mate is the opposite. He treats girls so poorly and cheats on them and he has had all the girls so in love with him. He’s with a girl a few years now and she is desperate to marry him but he’s out chasing other girls on nights out and he doesn’t treat her well at all. He is rude to her at times and curses at her. Why am I so unlucky in love and he is so lucky with love?

Grow a pair of balls

woodchuck

Mod warning:

@Nicky88, your post is well below the standard expected in PI/RI. Have a read of the charter and only post in this forum if you have constructive advice to offer in a civil manner. Any further posts along these lines will result in a card.

Nicky88

woodchuck wrote: »

Mod warning:

@Nicky88, your post is well below the standard expected in PI/RI. Have a read of the charter and only post in this forum if you have constructive advice to offer in a civil manner. Any further posts along these lines will result in a card.

Apologies for my language but "he" needed to hear it.