Can’t understand it can anyone?

Adam 76

Can anyone understand this. So basically I’m a man in my early 30s and I’ve noticed a pattern with my past girlfriends. I’ve had 3 relationships and all 3 have ended in the same way with my girlfriend breaking my heart and leaving me for someone else. I have always treated girls so well. I apologise to them in fights even when I’m not wrong just to make peace. I chase them and I put them first always. I always do what they want and never think of myself. I buy them lots of presents and cook for them. I make them my whole world and answer my phone in an instant. My mate is the opposite. He treats girls so poorly and cheats on them and he has had all the girls so in love with him. He’s with a girl a few years now and she is desperate to marry him but he’s out chasing other girls on nights out and he doesn’t treat her well at all. He is rude to her at times and curses at her. Why am I so unlucky in love and he is so lucky with love?

Purple Mountain

It's a horrible thing to admit but a lot of women like a bit of work to do.
I'd admit to being one of those.
If you were my boyfriend, I'd be very lucky to have you but at the same time, I'd miss the buzz around you keeping me on my toes, not being always available and definitely not challenging your position in an argument.
I definitely wouldn't like your mate the cheat who treats women badly but you just sound too nice and that often can be as off putting as a bad un.

Adam 76

Purple Mountain wrote: »

It's a horrible thing to admit but a lot of women like a bit of work to do.
I'd admit to being one of those.
If you were my boyfriend, I'd be very lucky to have you but at the same time, I'd miss the buzz around you keeping me on my toes, not being always available and definitely not challenging your position in an argument.
I definitely wouldn't like your mate the cheat who treats women badly but you just sound too nice and that often can be as off putting as a bad un.

Well thank you for being honest with me purple mountain. None of my exes told me the truth or explained why they left. It’s naturally in my nature to be kind. I just keep getting my heart broken and now I’ve lost so much confidence. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong other than being too nice.
As horrible as it is to admit I get a jealous feeling seeing my mate touching other women with his girlfriend at home head over heels for him. And me always honest and always keeping in touch with my girlfriends and making them feel special.. I dunno it sucks

Purple Mountain

I should also say, you shouldn't change who you are.
Eventually you'll meet the woman who will love you for who you are and appreciate the way you are and in turn treat you the way you treat her.
It's just that a lot of us like a little bad boy streak in a man but then that's the risk we take in finding the right one.

Airyfairy12

I dont really agree that women like a bit of work to do, in my expeirence, knowing some women and men who like a bit of drama in their relationships and like being kept on their toes, theyre sometimes very insecure themselves and constantly get treated badly in relationships. There is definitly something appealing about a roolercoaster relationship, that goes for men and women but these relationships arent healthy and I wouldnt be advising anyone to appraoch a relationship like this.
Your friend may look as though he's attracting all the girls but really, any girl that know what he's like and still wants him will have desperatly low self esteem or allot of growing up to do. Also, theres allot to be said for charisma and some personality types can get away with all sorts of behaviour. Thats no refelction on either gender, its just human nature, some people are very good at manipulating others, some people easily fall vulnerable to manipulation.

Reading through your post you strike me as the type of person that would describe themselves as 'nice' and you also come across quite young, Id take a guess and say youre late teens/early 20's.

What youre doing and how youre behaving isnt nice op and you seem to have no awareness of yourself and your behaviour. Think about the reasons why you are consistently at the beck and call of women to your own detriment? Are you expecting to be rewarded? Do you feel that, because you are nice, these girls must be nice back to you or they owe you relationships in return?
When youre behaving this way could it be that youre trying desperatly to be liked?

Youre behaviour isnt nice op, its not even respectful, honestly it come across like you have no awareness of other peoples boundaries let alone your own. Do you ever actually listen to these women?
You cant make people like you by behaving like a lapdog. Keep this up and you'll soon have anger issues, self esteem issues amd mental health problems if youre not already experiencing these. This behaviour pattern is not healthy and not normal. I strongly believe that we teach people how to treat us. If you have no respect for yourself you leave yourself open to all sorts of abuse and manipulation.

Thats not to suggest you should be nasty to other people but you cant continue to put yourself in the line of fire with this detrimental and immature mindset. You said you make them your world - Op thats not being nice or kind, no one wants to be the center of anyones world and if they do they have their own issues, do you not have hobbies or interests to focus on?, youre incredibly co dependant, its so unhealthy.

I'd reccomend you get some counselling and try to work through why you feel the need to behave this way around women. Please get some help.

Dog day

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Reading through your post you strike me as the type of person that would describe themselves as 'nice' and you also come across quite young, Id take a guess and say youre late teens/early 20's.

Keep this up and you'll soon have anger issues, self esteem issues amd mental health problems if youre not already experiencing these.

I'd reccomend you get some counselling and try to work through why you feel the need to behave this way around women. Please get some help.

Airy fairy, fair play to you for taking the time to help the OP but it seems you haven’t read the OPs concise, short post properly, he states he’s in his early 30’s.

Equally I think it’s dangerously salacious language & premature to be predicting mental health problems based on what the OP has revealed so far.

OP, I think the most telling thing you’ve stated is that you never think of yourself, that makes me so sad.

Firstly, you sound like a classic people pleaser, start to look inwards as to your wants & needs in a relationship & never apologise for the sake of it when you’re not in the wrong, this only serves to make people think little of you be it in romantic relationships or otherwise.

Secondly, stop comparing yourself to your friend, it sounds like you’re entirely different people & the way he’s choosing to treat his partner is disrespectful in the extreme. Charisma can be a powerful tool & some people in life naturally have it in spades & consequently can use it to their advantage whilst sometimes not treating others well.

Thirdly, is it possible that you yourself opt for a particular type of woman? Are you clear on the type of partner you want?

Fourthly, do you notice similar patterns in your friendships & familial relationships too? If so I’d agree that counselling may be a good option to delve deeper as to why that may be.

Lastly, start to really look at things from your own perspective, what do you actually truly want?

Relationships should be balanced & being anything approaching a pushover isn’t attractive to either gender, you can be kind whilst still having respect for yourself. I wish you well.

valoren

You've had three relationships so you clearly have no trouble initially attracting women. Keeping them has been the problem. My advice would be in your next relationship to put yourself first. I don't mean that to mean you be a self-centred and self-absorbed ass but rather that if you have interests, hobbies or pursuits then you continue to engage with them, you make a point of having time to yourself, you keep in touch with friends/see them when it allows etc. The derivation of the old adage of treating them "mean" to keep them keen has some merit. There are relationships where the mean part of that refers to abusive partners where the abused stubbornly remain committed (that describes your friend’s situation) but for your situation the "mean" part is you showing some back bone. For example, you decide what to do on a date, where to go, you don't back down in an argument if you believe yourself to be right, you refuse to be completely agreeable e.g. if she hated a movie you saw but you liked it, then you don't automatically agree. You'd ask why she didn't like it. You would say that you liked it, you'd give your reasons why. You wouldn’t mind challenging her. That’s the keeping them keen aspect. Even flipping the scenario where she loved something and you weren't afraid to upset her by positing your own opinion. It's that kind of confident "having your sh*t together/comfortable with who you are/comfortable in your own skin" attitude while, importantly, conducting yourself in a polite and respectful way which is what keeps them keen. Have you ever encountered anyone who agrees with whatever you say, who is a push over? You would quickly lose respect for that person. What I feel happened to you is that your partners simply lost respect for you and lost interest via boredom.

From your post you've described yourself as a supplicating, kowtowing and devoted nice guy. There is no equal footing there at all. Your status is subordinate, submissive and boring. It’s all give and no take from your end. This doesn’t mean you need to be like your friend. It doesn’t mean you need to be domineering, controlling or act like a dick. It means simple things like not backing down during arguments if you feel you're right or doing whatever they wanted to do or apologizing to make peace, cancelling your life to cater for theirs, buying them presents. It's a prime example of not showing back bone. If you are submissive with them, you, by extension must (or might) be submissive with others. For whatever reasons, it has resulted in the loss of three relationships but, to give some crude analogy, think of a successful relationship as an oscillation. You will have her needs and desires but to have an equilibrium point you need to have your own needs and desires to allow for a proper oscillation (i.e. relationship). Needs and desires are your outlook, your pursuits, your opinions etc. It’s give and take but, like any oscillation, you always meet in the middle. If all your energy is applied to your partners side of that equilibrium point there can be no "spring" as there was nothing pulling her back to your needs and desires.

bitofabind

You’ve had a fairly normal dating past. So first of all, time to rule out hating and blaming yourself. That helps no one. And second of all, forget about your mate. I’ve been around the block enough to know that the women attracted to abusive behaviour like that are invariably low in self esteem and miserable at the hands of arseholes like this. Forget the Hollywood movies. You don’t need to “keep women on their toes”. No self respecting woman needs an unpredictable man to be validated.

What helps though is to value and respect yourself first. That means not always apologising even when it’s not your fault, not putting every girlfriend’s needs and wants before your own. It’s a fine line between being kind and generous and pandering to someone else and that sounds like pandering. You don’t need to pander to a woman. The effort to love, support and take care of each other should work both ways. Not you doing all the heavy lifting and being left in the dust. From another perspective, being put on a pedestal and never called on my bs is uncomfortable and my urge in the face of that has been to run away. A self respecting woman wants an equal partnership where that support sometimes means being told to cop on and not having 100% access to someone at their beck and call.

I’d recommend working on your self esteem and in creating healthy boundaries in relationships. You’re off to a good start, you’re kind and thoughtful and attentive. Now you just need to learn how to be those things to yourself too.

Idle Passerby

As a woman, purple mountains post made me cringe a little. I wouldn't say that women in general want to be "kept on their toes" by a man but on the opposite spectrum your approach of bending over backwards for the woman in your life comes across as being a doormat who has no individual opinions or desires. You let them win arguments and let them make all the choices. That's boring after a while.

Most adult women want to go out with an adult man who has sense of self. Someone who just goes along with everything comes across as a bit of a personality-less drip.

It sounds like you think you have to impress women with how accomodating you are when in reality all your doing is hiding your own personality behind a veneer of "look how nice I am". Let them see that you have opinions and preferences, don't be a dull yes man.

Typer Monkey

You seem to be implying in your post that there are only two options; be a deceitful and lying piece of sh*t like your friend or be a spineless pushover with no self respect like you've described yourself. There is obviously a happy medium where you behave like an autonomous human being with a life, wants and needs who treats their partner as an equal and with respect.

Be the happy medium and you'll have much more success finding a relationship where you both love and respect each other.

sallyanne12

I agree with the others that your behaviour isn’t good for anyone. I once dated a guy exactly like you. He was so nice all the time and always respectful and sweet. But he was so intense. I couldn’t do anything without a million missed calls and questions. If I took a good few days to see him he’d be all upset and sad. He actually made me happy when we were together though but what turned me off him was that he was foreign and I always wondered if he was using me for a visa to stay. (Horrible thing to wonder but just that he never showed me his opinions or needs and made his life fully about impressing me and making me happy.., then when all the pressure began for us to get married I ran...)
Was he a good guy or a user? I’ll never know...

eviltwin

Women aren't a hive mind so there is no right way to behave that will guarantee you a long and happy relationship but I can say that treating someone badly by cheating on them is not the way to do it so maybe ignore what your mate is doing

Most people want to be with someone who treats them well and with respect but you need to tone it down. Putting your partner on a pedestal is overwhelming, nice at first sure, but quickly that kind of thing can get really intense and uncomfortable. Things should settle into a nice easy flow where you're not always trying to prove yourself. That just comes across as insecure and desperate and like an act. And it must be exhausting.

You don't have to be the perfect boyfriend, you just have to be yourself. Nobody wants to date a doormat.

Look, you seem like a lovely guy and you are attracting women so something is going well for you, don't be disheartened. Just dial back on the intensity a bit.

osarusan

Your idea of how women like to be treated seems to be different from how these women wanted to be treated at least. Too much intensity will tire anybody out.

And stop comparing yourself to your dickhead mate.

ToddDameron

sallyanne12 wrote: »

I agree with the others that your behaviour isn’t good for anyone. I once dated a guy exactly like you. He was so nice all the time and always respectful and sweet. But he was so intense. I couldn’t do anything without a million missed calls and questions. If I took a good few days to see him he’d be all upset and sad. He actually made me happy when we were together though but what turned me off him was that he was foreign and I always wondered if he was using me for a visa to stay. (Horrible thing to wonder but just that he never showed me his opinions or needs and made his life fully about impressing me and making me happy.., then when all the pressure began for us to get married I ran...)
Was he a good guy or a user? I’ll never know...

None of that post relates to the OP. So not sure why they are "exactly the same" in your eyes.

OP at the risk of using the cliché, just be yourself. You got unlucky three times in a row, but you'll definitely find someone that values kindness and loyalty above all else.

Porklife

ToddDameron wrote: »

None of that post relates to the OP. So not sure why they are "exactly the same" in your eyes.

OP at the risk of using the cliché, just be yourself. You got unlucky three times in a row, but you'll definitely find someone that values kindness and loyalty above all else.

I was thinking the same thing....was reading that like huh? How is that in any way relevant!

ILoveYourVibes

Maybe he chooses women to are too nice and you don't choose women who are nice enough??

SozBbz

OP, I can only echo what others have said.

Firstly - I don't know why your mates girlfriend puts up with him let alone wants to marry him. I certainly would never put up with that and most women I know wouldn't either. He sounds like a tragic cliche to be honest. Don't try to be like him.

Secondly - what you describe as "nice" comes across as codependent, dull and unsustainable. Who says a person with hobbies, opinions etc and who stands up for themselves is not a nice person? You don't have to give up who you are to be a good person. The fact that your instincts clearly are to please other people probably does mean you're fundamentally a good person, but I honestly believe the vast majority of women don't want a relationship where they get their own way regardless of right or wrong.

My partner is a good person. He's also snarky, sarcastic and intellectually superior sometimes. He can also be a bit of a grinch about making the effort sometimes. But he's also funny, clever and has strong convictions and is fundamentally a good person. Our relationship has lasted because we bounce off each other, our personalities are complementary but not the same. We disagree sometimes but we work around it and get over it. I respect him and he respects me, because we're both autonomous individuals and challenge each other. No one gets their way 100% of the time, but neither of us resent the other, its compromise and its healthy.

I fundamentally don't think a woman can respect a Yes Man in the long term, because respect is earned and you have to tell people how you're willing to be treated and walk away if those expectations are not met.

Adam 76

Adam 76 wrote: »

I apologise to them in fights even when I’m not wrong just to make peace.

I chase them and I put them first always.

I always do what they want and never think of myself.

I buy them lots of presents and cook for them.

I make them my whole world and answer my phone in an instant.

Any one or two of the above could be appreciated by a partner. But all together they are a terrible way to conduct relationships.

It's really simple Adam, if you don't respect yourself, how do you expect your partners to respect you?

Neyite

Adam 76 wrote: »

I apologise to them in fights even when I’m not wrong just to make peace. I chase them and I put them first always. I always do what they want and never think of myself. I buy them lots of presents and cook for them. I make them my whole world and answer my phone in an instant.

This jumps out OP.

What it seems to me is that you are a really nice guy but actually a bit of a pushover. In a real relationship there's compromise. There's differences of opinion where you agree to disagree. There's self respect and while it's important to prioritise your relationship, sometimes other things do take precedence. And the right relationship has the right balance of those things. You and your mate are at either ends of the spectrum. Neither of you are fostering solid relationship practices that lead to true happiness. Don't look to him as a role model because I can assure you that it will wear off for him at some point.

You remind me of an ex I had when I was in my very late teens. I could literally behave like an utter banshee and be awful to him if I wanted and still he would be the one apologising to me. A lovely guy but zero backbone and no self respect at all, and crucially, it's very difficult to have any respect for someone who has zero respect for themselves. But you've identified a pattern. And you remind me of me as well because I had that pattern too. I would bend myself into Ideal Girlfriend for whoever I was with. It was a bit like a chameleon existence. Their taste in music /pubs/ book became mine. They eventually became miserable because I was not a happy person deep down because I never gave myself choices in the relationships. It was always focused on his wants, needs etc. It took meeting someone abusive who I was a sitting duck for, to make me sit up and identify my pattern and go to counselling to figure out how to fix it - best thing I ever did OP.

HamSarris

In simple terms a submissive boyfriend is a turn off. It’s predictable, there’s no excitement and at an unconscious level the guy is signalling his lower status.

Unfortunately submissiveness is a personality trait that’s hard to change quickly. You need to think about how it developed – was your father submissive to your mother, are you avoidant of conflict at all costs, do you put women up on a pedestal?

Some simple tips to get started being more assertivene:

Use ‘I think’ more in your speech
Say ‘No’ more often to requests
Stop providing unconditional affection as it reinforces bad behaviour in your partner. If your girlfriend’s in a bad mood and blaming you, just go for a drive or meet some friends. It’s not your responsibility to be your girlfriend’s mother or therapist.

cannotlogin

I'm conflicted on this one because part of me says you shouldn't change how you are but clearly there's a pattern which isn't working for you.

Maybe don't change who you are but modify some of your behaviour.

Some of what you are saying reminds me of a boyfriend I had in my late teens/early 20s. I can't speak for all women but most want an equal & not someone who bases every decision on what their partner wants. My ex used to be similar, everything he did was to please me, not him. He never seemed to want to do his own thing. If I was late or the cause of an argument, it was never a problem etc. The total adoration was smothering & it was difficult to respect someone who acted like he was lucky to have you rather than it being a partnership of equals.

ILoveYourVibes

OP you are the one making the bad choices. YOu are choosing these woman. The ONLY common denominator between them is YOU.

You choose them. Now you ask yourself why...and you make better choices.

I find people who choose abusive partner after abusive partner never want to change the type of person they are going for. They want to change themselves. It doesn't matter who you are or how you treat the next one if the next woman you pick is also an abuser.

It doesn't matter what your friend does if the next girl he picks is one of the most giving sweetest people.

You don't pick em well.

Doesn't matter how many boundaries you put up if your pick is ignorant spoilt and selfish.

Find a really nice decent sweet girl who will just naturally treat you like a king.

Turtwig

That's harsh. They are choosing the OP too. It takes two to tango.

Abusers often selectively choose their victims and manipulate them into being "chosen" by the victim. (Not saying the op was involved in abusive relationships)

ILoveYourVibes

Turtwig wrote: »

That's harsh. They are choosing the OP too. It takes two to tango.

Harsh but true. Only he makes the choices in his life.
If they want him he can refuse.



Op you have a bad girl addiction.



If i kept going out with wife beaters you might say to me ...i think you are making unwise choices here. And you would be right.

Adults have to learn to be more discerning in the company we keep. And maybe not to rush into things.

I am not blaming him for what they did. Obviously he is the victim. But they didn't force him to date them.

But the wonderful thing is. The op can change that right now. He can right down all the qualities a woman must have for him. How he wants to be treated and the relationship he wants to build towards.

The nasty women in the world are not going to suddenly give you a break because you turn into a tough guy. And you probably wouldn't be a good tough guy anyway or you would be one already.

If a woman was with a guy who abused her what would you say? Don't take that from him? Be less nice? No you would say he will never change get out.

Thinking they will change is the trap.

OP think of the type of person you want. Write it down. All the qualities. The next time you think you find someone you fancy who is like that slowly get to know her.

Giving horrible women your time ..is a waste of your time. So don't give it to them...blank them. You are too good for them.

Abusers often selectively choose their victims and manipulate them into being "chosen" by the victim. (Not saying the op was involved in abusive relationships)

Sorry you just updated your post so i am updating my response and your post so as not to be rude.

Yes possibly. So ..get out of their company.

OP make sure YOU choose who comes into your life and no the other way around.

Hannibal_Smith

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

OP you are the one making the bad choices. YOu are choosing these woman. The ONLY common denominator between them is YOU.

You choose them. Now you ask yourself why...and you make better choices.

I find people who choose abusive partner after abusive partner never want to change the type of person they are going for. They want to change themselves. It doesn't matter who you are or how you treat the next one if the next woman you pick is also an abuser.

It doesn't matter what your friend does if the next girl he picks is one of the most giving sweetest people.

You don't pick em well.

Doesn't matter how many boundaries you put up if your pick is ignorant spoilt and selfish.

Find a really nice decent sweet girl who will just naturally treat you like a king.

The OP never suggested they had been with an abusive partner? Even if they had been, the only person responsible for abuse is the person that carries it out.

OP, when you're in a relationship with someone, you will naturally disagree on somethings. There is no need to be at their beck and call. Be yourself. You don't needed to treat them like royalty, or be treated like royalty yourself. If you feel you have to pull out all the stops to keep the relationship on an even keel, then ideally you talk to your partner and try and work things out, or you go your separate ways. One person shouldn't carry everything for the both of you.

ILoveYourVibes

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

The OP never suggested they had been with an abusive partner? Even if they had been, the only person responsible for abuse is the person that carries it out.

How they treated him sounds like emotional abuse to me.

And yes women can abuse men in many ways beyond the physical. And a lot of people tell the guy to try and change her man up stand up to her etc.



That is a master abusers tactic. Tell him he wasn't a man.

Amber Heard did that with Johnny Depp. She told him he could not leave her because of her anger issues that wasn't being a man. He called him a baby.

And no i am not saying he OP was physically abused. But he was emotionally abused.

You can sense the pain in the ops posts. Its deep.

Its changed his perception of himself. He is now asking ...WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Instead of asking what was wrong with THEM?


Girls who have a bad guy addiction ..to the guy like the ops friend ...are damaged goods. Sorry if that is un pc to say but its true.

They are probably dysfunctional and would be a nightmare down the line.

Airyfairy12

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

OP you are the one making the bad choices. YOu are choosing these woman. The ONLY common denominator between them is YOU.

You choose them. Now you ask yourself why...and you make better choices.

I find people who choose abusive partner after abusive partner never want to change the type of person they are going for. They want to change themselves. It doesn't matter who you are or how you treat the next one if the next woman you pick is also an abuser.

It doesn't matter what your friend does if the next girl he picks is one of the most giving sweetest people.

You don't pick em well.

Doesn't matter how many boundaries you put up if your pick is ignorant spoilt and selfish.

Find a really nice decent sweet girl who will just naturally treat you like a king.

Maybe I missed something but I didnt see anything in the post that would indicate these partners are abusive? Arguments and disagreements are a normal part of relationships. They leave him in the end which is not ideal but certainly not abusive.
That said, Excessively passive/codependent behavior will attract abusive people eventually, one way or another. Until the OP can approach relationships in a healthy way, he will attract people who have an equally unhealthy approach to relationships while people who know what a healthy relationship looks like, will avoid him like the plague or leave him as they will spot the red flags. He is leaving himself open to all sorts of manipulation and abuse. That goes for anyone and has nothing to do with gender.

leggo

OP you’ve got fantastic advice here in this thread and have all you need to act. A lot of it is stuff I always say in threads like this, so I’m glad others made the points to save me typing it out again. I particularly like the stuff about ‘nice’ not actually being nice (a point I’ll forever make is that the word ‘nice’ is never meant as a compliment because it’s typically followed by the word ‘but’).

To pick up on the point that someone made about these girls choosing the OP too, that’s very true and worth exploring. To repeat another point I’ve made loads but could apply here, look up ‘attachment styles’ if you want to understand why you may be attracted to and also attract girls who end up doing this to you, it’ll probably make a lot of sense. Go down that rabbit hole further and you’ll find yourself in a different place at the end.

ILoveYourVibes

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Maybe I missed something but I didnt see anything in the post that would indicate these partners are abusive? Arguments and disagreements are a normal part of relationships. They leave him in the end which is not ideal but certainly not abusive.
.

I got the impression he was a nice guy being taken for a ride. I bet if you asked him did those women treat him well while they were with him he would have to say no. I could be wrong though.

Actually someone above ..im not sure who it was said something about people making it seem like you made the choice but they only manipulated it to be this way. I am not sure how to works. I think its probably worth paying attention to though.


As regards being nice or whatever. Well since you have a pattern of choosing wrong ones or wrong ones choosing you. Give the girl time to show you how well (or not ) she can treat you.

Give her opportunities to show you who she is.

Nice but not nice etc. Avoid the red flags Airy fairy said. I assumed you would do this anyway. Its kind of common sense.

Big Bag of Chips

Adam 76 wrote: »

I always do what they want and never think of myself.... I make them my world

This is far too intense. I'm assuming these relationships don't reach the longterm stage, so to be in the early days of a relationship, just getting to know someone and to have all this coming at you is too much for anyone. Even in a very longterm relationship this would signal the end of it. Look up "love bombing". It is what you are doing and people are generally advised to run a mile from it.

Take for example you saying you always do what they want. That's nice, but sometimes we don't want to be the one responsible for every decision in a relationship. What you are doing is not sustainable, and the people you are doing it with know it's not sustainable. I'm not suggesting you start behaving like your mate, but start behaving like YOU. Speak up. Say what you like to do. Make suggestions. Make somebody part of your world without making them your world. Have other interests. Because women you date will have other interests. They will have hobbies and friends that they like to spend time with too. And if they are made to feel like you have nothing else in your life only them and you are waiting by the phone for them to ring they will start to feel pressure to give up the other things in their life to spend their time with you, or they will leave because they can't sustain a relationship in those circumstances.

You do sound like a nice fella but you also sound very intense. Maybe take a bit of time away from dating. Figure out who you are. Figure out what you like. And figure out why you think you are supposed to give all that up when you start seeing someone.

ldeayton

OP I’ve been in the exact same situation as you. I’m not going to repeat what others have said here because it all makes sense.

If I could sum up advice to you (and myself) in one word it would be “Confidence”. Be confident. No need to be a prick, just be confident. Tone back the intensity. And so what if you lose a relationship, you’ll have another, your past has shown you this.

If you succeed with this please tell me how....

Ash.J.Williams

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

<Snip> Please don't quote entire posts. It clogs threads with duplicate text and makes it difficult to read for users on the touch site.

Early 30s

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

Ash J Williams, when posting in PI you are asked to post in a civil and constructive manner. I've removed part of your post that was below the standard required here. Please read the charter before posting again.

bottlebrush

OP, I'm guessing that your pattern of pleasing people did not just emerge when you began dating. You don't have to answer these questions here but when you look back on your earlier life, did you have experiences in your close networks -family, school, work i.e. situations where people largely need to get on - of individuals who did not respect your boundaries, opinions, wants/needs, despite you trying to stand your ground. Strong, demanding personalities perhaps, who would be better appease than challenge, for a quiet life. And then, over time, it evolved into it being your responsibility, not theirs, to keep the peace. Anything for a quiet life. So they always got their way, and you never got the things you wanted.

And at some stage did this evolve to where you have subconsciously conceded that in order for a relationship to 'work' you need to give a girl everything she wants and do anything she wants. To what end? So you can have a quiet life, with no conflict. Which is of course what everybody wants, but you should now see that your approach doesn't work. If you are not having your own needs met, and it leads to conflict, you should now be able to recognise this early on and if it can't be fixed, then YOU move on. Just because you start dating somebody it doesn't mean that you are going to have to be with them for life. Assume that what they are in the beginning is going to be the person they are going to be for the rest of their lives. You are not going to get a template that you can change to your liking.

Of course, none of the above may apply to you but nevertheless you need to stop concentrating on what you think a girl wants. Decide what you want and don't be afraid to ask for it. Be prepared to compromise (but not give in every time). If this still leads to conflict you are simply not compatible. Don't hang on in there being the guy who will do for the moment until a better guy comes along. In the case of these three girls, they moved on because at some point they realised they weren't compatible with you.

ILoveYourVibes

OP I don't mean to be offensive or insensitive but just to be clear by

'I make them my world'

do you mean you demand a lot of their time ? You have no other things going on? Your focus is a relationship?

This can be very draining rather than nurturing. In fact it's the opposite of nurturing.

Sorry if i made the wrong assumption about that turn of phrase.

TheBoyConor

You are making it too easy for them. No challenge to them. Nobody wants a walkover.
Basically, you are being too pussyish. Nev to man up a bit.

kylith

Honestly, i’m probably going to sound harsh here; you’re boring. You’re a spineless yes man. You answer the phone immediately, you make them your world = you have no life of your own.

Do you ever push for something you want to do? A restaurant you want to go to? Do you Stand up for yourself? Do you have your own opinion?

Not all women want a challenge, or someone who treats them badly, but what we do want is a person with enough self confidence to have their own opinions, who doesn’t apologise for things that aren’t their fault, who isn’t constantly at their beck and call, who doesn’t agree with everything they say just to keep the peace.

I agree that you should probably take some time off to think about what _you_ want in a relationship, who you are, what you want, and your confidence overall.

ztoical

Both the relationship you had OP and the one your mate has don't appeal to me OP. I don't want a guy bending over backwards for me and taking blame even when they aren't at fault, whats appealing about that? That's not a relationship thats someone treating you like an object at least for me and at the other end someone treating you awful and cheating on you...ugh no comment.

OP my best friend would be like you, he went through several girlfriends and I would struggle to tell you them apart, I call them all by the same name now as there really was very little difference between them. My friend likes being a good partner, looking after someone etc and all of these girls took advantage while it suited them then cheated on him. When he introduced me to his, then GF, now wife I knew straight away she was different from all the others. Yes my friend still wanted to look after her and on occasion she lets him but she usually tells him when he's pushing to far and he's learned to pull back. You shouldn't have to change who you are for other people OP but that doesn't mean you'll be a match for everyone. Sorry if it's a cliche but you just have to keep trying till you met the right person. The right people should balance each other.

Nicky88

Adam 76 wrote: »

Can anyone understand this. So basically I’m a man in my early 30s and I’ve noticed a pattern with my past girlfriends. I’ve had 3 relationships and all 3 have ended in the same way with my girlfriend breaking my heart and leaving me for someone else. I have always treated girls so well. I apologise to them in fights even when I’m not wrong just to make peace. I chase them and I put them first always. I always do what they want and never think of myself. I buy them lots of presents and cook for them. I make them my whole world and answer my phone in an instant. My mate is the opposite. He treats girls so poorly and cheats on them and he has had all the girls so in love with him. He’s with a girl a few years now and she is desperate to marry him but he’s out chasing other girls on nights out and he doesn’t treat her well at all. He is rude to her at times and curses at her. Why am I so unlucky in love and he is so lucky with love?

Grow a pair of balls

woodchuck

Mod warning:

@Nicky88, your post is well below the standard expected in PI/RI. Have a read of the charter and only post in this forum if you have constructive advice to offer in a civil manner. Any further posts along these lines will result in a card.

Nicky88

woodchuck wrote: »

Mod warning:

@Nicky88, your post is well below the standard expected in PI/RI. Have a read of the charter and only post in this forum if you have constructive advice to offer in a civil manner. Any further posts along these lines will result in a card.

Apologies for my language but "he" needed to hear it.