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What's the etiquette here??

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    #4802
    Martin Lanigan
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 231 ✭✭Martin Lanigan


    Bullocks wrote: »
    Similar problem myself this evening . Had a long day without pooping and was touching cloth when I pulled up at the house , threw the jacket off on the porch , the boots were kicked off as I walked across the utility in a hurry and my ass was on the toilet seat the second the trousers touched the travertine .
    I slipped out a perfectly formed all in one solid turd . Then the trouble started , one of the kids had left the last sheet of TP on the roll but it was the one that was glued so I had a job to get even enough to cover my fingertips off for a miserable wipe .
    I said nothing about it yet but was in bad form atin' the lamb chops after .
    How would I teach the two boys a lesson in this ? I think they might have known what they were at and could even have done it to get a "rise" out of me ! They are still pissing out the door for the craic , if they get up at the same time one uses the sliding door in the sitting room and the other lashes it out the front door !

    I blame the parents. :)


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    #4803
    Martin Lanigan
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 231 ✭✭Martin Lanigan


    Woke Hogan wrote: »
    We didn’t dump her, we sent her to live with my sister for her secondary school years.

    At least you didn’t dump on her. That would have disturbing!


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    #4804
    Brendan Bendar
    Registered Users Posts: 19,113 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar


    Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »
    Everyman has an emergency wipe on each foot Johnny, so it's very easily solved if you find yourself in a crapper sans paper. Simply dispose of the sh1te covered socks in the cistern in protest then afterwards. Simples.

    Hmmm, if she’s ‘loose’ and spread,a sock may not suffice.

    Lot of ‘hipsters’ like John might be wearing those ‘shoe socks’ which certainly wouldn’t cover a porridgy unloading well worked into arse cheeks and seeping down the inner thighs.

    Take a center fold of the Ooirish Daily Mail to clear up that spillage.


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    #4805
    NeinNeinNein
    Registered Users Posts: 5,678 ✭✭✭NeinNeinNein


    Brendan Bendar wrote: »
    Hmmm, if she’s ‘loose’ and spread,a sock may not suffice.

    Lot of ‘hipsters’ like John might be wearing those ‘shoe socks’ which certainly wouldn’t cover a porridgy unloading well worked into arse cheeks and seeping down the inner thighs.

    Take a center fold of the Ooirish Daily Mail to clear up that spillage.
    Paper never refused stink.


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    #4806
    Woke Hogan
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,630 ✭✭✭Woke Hogan


    Martin Lanigan wrote: »
    At least you didn’t dump on her. That would have disturbing!

    The way she goes on, we might as well have!!


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    #4807
    Martin Lanigan
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 231 ✭✭Martin Lanigan


    Woke Hogan wrote: »
    The way she goes on, we might as well have!!

    She sounds pretty ungrateful. You were probably right to focus all your energies on getting it right second time around with her younger brother.


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    #4808
    Fireball81
    Registered Users Posts: 412 ✭✭Fireball81


    So the end of the week sees the refurbishment of the traps on our floor at work nearly completed. Have had to share other facilities this week and as expected it's been difficult to get a seat at times.

    Looking forward to christening the new whiteware on Monday when they are due to reopen. Rumour has it that privacy has been beefed up and where there was once a gap at the bottom of the cubical wall it's now down to the ground and fully closed in.

    Surely that means soundproofing is improved, like I say I can't wait for a dump on Monday, will have to have something special for dinner on Sunday night so it has time to exit the cheeks on Monday morning.

    Then for Monday afternoon i think if the soundproofing is adequate, i'll test another trap out for a Thomas the tank.

    If there's anything to beat being paid to poo it's being paid to tug lol

    Monday is gonna be great as I test the new facilities - what a time to be alive!


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    #4809
    gerrybbadd
    Registered Users Posts: 10,301 ✭✭✭✭gerrybbadd


    You filthy kernt


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    #4810
    EmmetSpiceland
    Registered Users Posts: 10,561 ✭✭✭✭EmmetSpiceland


    gerrybbadd wrote: »
    You filthy kernt


    Hear, hear!

    “It is not blood that makes you Irish but a willingness to be part of the Irish nation” - Thomas Davis



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    #4811
    JohnnyFlash
    Registered Users Posts: 7,055 ✭✭✭JohnnyFlash


    Brendan Bendar wrote: »
    Hmmm, if she’s ‘loose’ and spread,a sock may not suffice.

    Lot of ‘hipsters’ like John might be wearing those ‘shoe socks’ which certainly wouldn’t cover a porridgy unloading well worked into arse cheeks and seeping down the inner thighs.

    Take a center fold of the Ooirish Daily Mail to clear up that spillage.

    Nah, pal, I favour a decent pair of thick wool socks at all times of the year. Would certainly be able to handle even the cleanup from a very loose and sudden discharge, but I’d worry that it would cause severe irritation to the badge and surrounding areas. Maybe little strands of fibre working it’s way into the books and crannies as well.

    Very much last resort type of scenario. Like having to saw off your own leg to escape from a burning building.


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    #4812
    Bullocks
    Registered Users Posts: 5,890 ✭✭✭Bullocks


    JohnnyFlash wrote: »
    Nah, pal, I favour a decent pair of thick wool socks at all times of the year. Would certainly be able to handle even the cleanup from a very loose and sudden discharge, but I’d worry that it would cause severe irritation to the badge and surrounding areas. Maybe little strands of fibre working it’s way into the books and crannies as well.

    Very much last resort type of scenario. Like having to saw off your own leg to escape from a burning building.

    Thick wool is the way to go, they offer better airflow than any other and cope with damp conditions as good as when they were on a ewes back out on the wet hills of Connemara, and I've never seen one of them with athletes foot!
    Just keep an eye out for maggots between June and Oct John. I'd hate to see you ate to the bone from the toes up!


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    #4813
    JohnnyFlash
    Registered Users Posts: 7,055 ✭✭✭JohnnyFlash


    Fireball81 wrote: »
    Looking forward to christening the new whiteware on Monday when they are due to reopen. Rumour has it that privacy has been beefed up and where there was once a gap at the bottom of the cubical wall it's now down to the ground and fully closed in.

    Hope the rumours are true, dude. It really is the optimal design for a cubicle. I've always been slightly perplexed when the left and right walls are floor to roof, but the door itself is some flimsy job with an 18" gap at the bottom.

    I remember visiting the old HQ of a large semi-state a number of years back. Helped myself to a very generous and heavily subsidised fried breakfast, and afterwards made my way to the shítters to 'get rid of a clingy lover' before the meeting.

    Incredible facilities. Solid brick walls on either side of the cubicle, and a door that wouldn't be out of place in St Peter's Basilica. Perfect temperatures for smooth discharge, plenty of rolls of 3-ply, and pleasant piped musak (a pan-pipe version of A Bridge Over Troubled Waters if I remember correctly), and a classic Armitage Shanks commode. Outside they had one of those paper towel dispensers that works on a sensor.

    It's the sort of facility that really sets you up for the day. No 'hoop hesitancy' or any of that sort of thing.


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    #4814
    Martin Lanigan
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 231 ✭✭Martin Lanigan


    If you had asked me in December 2019 whether I had ever sh@t myself since entering adulthood more than 20 years earlier, I could honestly answer No. A few close shaves, turtle heads and splattered toilets, but otherwise no.

    Then came January 2020.

    Early January I was in my bedroom packing for an early flight to the US the next morning, I knew I needed to go but had been putting it off all day. Big mistake. It just came out without asking. Luckily I was able to clean up and hide the jocks for later disposal, trousers were unaffected.

    A week later, I got back from the US in the evening and stayed with my parents that night. All good. Next morning I was sitting in the kitchen in my jocks eating a sausage sandwich when I passed wind. But I didn’t just pass wind. I slowly ate the last bite of the sandwich, politely excused myself from the table and ran up the stairs to check the damage, praying that the kitchen chair wouldn’t give the game away. Another jocks for disposal but I firmly believe I got away with it.

    So I am now 39 days clean and counting.


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    #4815
    ILikeBoats
    Registered Users Posts: 2,444 ✭✭✭ILikeBoats


    Big fan of this thread. My vocabulary has increased dramatically because of it too.

    My first contribution...

    Currently in Newark airport. I availed of the lounge services in Dublin earlier. I think the intake of 3 yoghurts topped off with a few complimentary cans of Elysian Space Dust IPA on the plane set off some sort of curdling process in the lower "chambers".

    Strolling around Newark waiting on the connection, the hostages decided they wanted to escape. As we all know, the traps in the USA are like a peep show with their insane gaps in the paneling. It is uncomfortable to make eye-contact while doing your "business". Luckily I'm travelling for work so have the business perks - I made a beeline for the lounge, I had a hope that they'd be a little bit more respectful.

    I was pleasantly surprised. There were 8 individual rooms - full walls, full doors, a nice little shelf for the bag, lovely accoutrements for cleaning the hands. It was a big relief for my big relief. There was even some "chill-out" ibiza style tunes being piped in. 10/10 would recommend.


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    #4816
    Fireball81
    Registered Users Posts: 412 ✭✭Fireball81


    Was over in Twickenham for the game earlier, the nasty pints in the ground forced me to use the horrible cold facilities under the stands - at least they had paper...

    Anyhow, a curry on the way to Heathrow and a few pints before the flight, should set me up nicely to use the sparkling new facilities on the office in the morning!


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    #4817
    Nevin Parsnipp
    Registered Users Posts: 832 ✭✭✭Nevin Parsnipp


    Fireball81 wrote: »
    Was over in Twickenham for the game earlier, the nasty pints in the ground forced me to use the horrible cold facilities under the stands - at least they had paper...

    Anyhow, a curry on the way to Heathrow and a few pints before the flight, should set me up nicely to use the sparkling new facilities on the office in the morning!

    My money says you will spatter the sh1tter on the plane and have only hard nobbets to pop in the new facility.

    Poor forward planning my friend...you will miss a glorious oppo to put the new privvies out of commission on day one ...with a gush of loose foul smelling midden that completely fouls at least one trap.

    Amateur stuff.....


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    #4818
    JohnnyFlash
    Registered Users Posts: 7,055 ✭✭✭JohnnyFlash


    Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »
    My money says you will spatter the sh1tter on the plane and have only hard nobbets to pop in the new facility.

    Poor forward planning my friend...you will miss a glorious oppo to put the new privvies out of commission on day one ...with a gush of loose foul smelling midden that completely fouls at least one trap.

    Amateur stuff.....

    The dude was hardly expected to keep it on the clutch for the night was he, Nevin?

    No offence, dude, but you are talkin’ out your hole.


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    #4819
    Fireball81
    Registered Users Posts: 412 ✭✭Fireball81


    Lads am back home, tired after an early start and in an attempt to keep my poo shoot closed till I can get to the new facilities in the office in the morning, about to hit the hay.

    Like a kid on Christmas eve!!


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    #4820
    tjdaly
    Registered Users Posts: 85 ✭✭tjdaly


    Just stretched out my birth canal with a gravelly mountain of aromatic midden. Strange smell of Kaffir keaves from the mound. Followed that up with a few soggy oats, chunks and driblets. Next came a stream of warm bowel water which spashed back up onto my arse cheeks and orifice.

    The juice must have separated from the solids somewhere on approach. First God created the mountains. Then the rivers and sea.


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    #4821
    Hotblack Desiato
    Registered Users Posts: 34,081 ✭✭✭✭Hotblack Desiato


    Fireball81 wrote: »
    Lads am back home, tired after an early start and in an attempt to keep my poo shoot closed till I can get to the new facilities in the office in the morning, about to hit the hay.

    Like a kid on Christmas eve!!

    sounds risky. One's foot can easily slip off the clutch pedal while asleep.

    So I hear.

    Fingal County Council are certainly not competent to be making decisions about the most important piece of infrastructure on the island. They need to stick to badly designed cycle lanes and deciding on whether Mrs Murphy can have her kitchen extension.



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    #4822
    Brendan Bendar
    Registered Users Posts: 19,113 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar


    tjdaly wrote: »
    Just stretched out my birth canal with a gravelly mountain of aromatic midden. Strange smell of Kaffir keaves from the mound. Followed that up with a few soggy oats, chunks and driblets. Next came a stream of warm bowel water which spashed back up onto my arse cheeks and orifice.

    The juice must have separated from the solids somewhere on approach. First God created the mountains. Then the rivers and sea.

    The ‘pace car’ always stretches the muzzle a bit, the ‘peloton’ is usually smoother and looser.


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    #4823
    Cartman78
    Registered Users Posts: 9,624 ✭✭✭Cartman78


    Any word from Fireball81 yet lads?

    Let's hope the clutch held overnight


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    #4824
    Fireball81
    Registered Users Posts: 412 ✭✭Fireball81


    Lads, the refurbished facilities 'opened' in the office this morning were better than I thought they could be.

    Unless the tradesman tested them I think I had the first dump in trap 6 furthest from the door.

    The rumours were true, the standard cubicles with gaps above and below the walls and doors are gone. They've been replaced with luxurious whiteware and a totally enclosed space with good sound proofing

    Started with a thick long cable followed by a short splatter of lava at the end.

    There's a fancy electronic paper dispenser which slows things down a little i guess but the upside is the sheets are presented with a perfect edge. The toilet seats are soft close too meaning no loud banging.

    There's now also a shelf for a phone or something else small when two hands are required.

    Lighting is not too bright and to finish it off they have some fancy Dyson hand driers and Molton Brown hand wash (normally only for girls buy hey its 2020 I guess).

    Assume it will be busy today as everyone comes in for a look and to test the facilities. Will be revisiting later for perhaps a dump or to choke the chicken given the enhanced sound proofing now in place (normally use the disabled WC for that).


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    #4825
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Dead jealous here. We had a revamp at work not too long ago that managed to downgrade the facilities. Solid doors taken out and replaced with flimsy mdf items. New doors weren't wide enough for the cubicles so they had to put two fake timber strips on each side of the cubicle to narrow the gap and hang the door off. Paper dispensers were replaced with inferior items that only grudgingly dispense single ply tissue paper. The floor tiles were taken out and replaced with a horrible looking rough finish grey lino. Horrible job all around. Good luck with your new facilities, sounds like a good place to take some company time.


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    #4826
    Brendan Bendar
    Registered Users Posts: 19,113 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar


    Deleted User wrote: »
    Dead jealous here. We had a revamp at work not too long ago that managed to downgrade the facilities. Solid doors taken out and replaced with flimsy mdf items. New doors weren't wide enough for the cubicles so they had to put two fake timber strips on each side of the cubicle to narrow the gap and hang the door off. Paper dispensers were replaced with inferior items that only grudgingly dispense single ply tissue paper. The floor tiles were taken out and replaced with a horrible looking rough finish grey lino. Horrible job all around. Good luck with your new facilities, sounds like a good place to take some company time.

    I presume you sprayed the cube with a thin mist of ripe midden to show your displeasure?


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    #4827
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Brendan Bendar wrote: »
    I presume you sprayed the cube with a thin mist of ripe midden to show your displeasure?

    Of course B, and I wasn't the only one. The one upside is that the gents facilities are directly across the corridor from the HR office. They are regularly subjected to a lingering and often brutal fent, especially on Monday mornings.


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    #4828
    gerrybbadd
    Registered Users Posts: 10,301 ✭✭✭✭gerrybbadd


    Fireball81 wrote: »
    Lads, the refurbished facilities 'opened' in the office this morning were better than I thought they could be.

    Unless the tradesman tested them I think I had the first dump in trap 6 furthest from the door.

    The rumours were true, the standard cubicles with gaps above and below the walls and doors are gone. They've been replaced with luxurious whiteware and a totally enclosed space with good sound proofing

    Started with a thick long cable followed by a short splatter of lava at the end.

    There's a fancy electronic paper dispenser which slows things down a little i guess but the upside is the sheets are presented with a perfect edge. The toilet seats are soft close too meaning no loud banging.

    There's now also a shelf for a phone or something else small when two hands are required.

    Lighting is not too bright and to finish it off they have some fancy Dyson hand driers and Molton Brown hand wash (normally only for girls buy hey its 2020 I guess).

    Assume it will be busy today as everyone comes in for a look and to test the facilities. Will be revisiting later for perhaps a dump or to choke the chicken given the enhanced sound proofing now in place (normally use the disabled WC for that).

    Again, you filthy kernt.

    I'd say anyone passing is under the impression that someone very special is availing of the facilities when you're in there strangling the trouser trout. Grunting


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    #4829
    Slideways
    Registered Users Posts: 1,995 ✭✭✭Slideways


    Shaking at the knees as he leaves a silver snake hanging off the over sized taps in the sink.

    Sickening really


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    #4830
    gerrybbadd
    Registered Users Posts: 10,301 ✭✭✭✭gerrybbadd


    Slideways wrote: »
    Shaking at the knees as he leaves a silver snake hanging off the over sized taps in the sink.

    Sickening really

    Definite etiquette breaker.


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    #4831
    NeinNeinNein
    Registered Users Posts: 5,678 ✭✭✭NeinNeinNein


    Deleted User wrote: »
    Dead jealous here. We had a revamp at work not too long ago that managed to downgrade the facilities. Solid doors taken out and replaced with flimsy mdf items. New doors weren't wide enough for the cubicles so they had to put two fake timber strips on each side of the cubicle to narrow the gap and hang the door off. Paper dispensers were replaced with inferior items that only grudgingly dispense single ply tissue paper. The floor tiles were taken out and replaced with a horrible looking rough finish grey lino. Horrible job all around. Good luck with your new facilities, sounds like a good place to take some company time.
    That's harsh, sounds like something from WWII.


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