Cheating

Monife · 22-02-2019 4:57pm #1

I would love to get an idea of how many men cheat in relationships/marriages, men's perception of cheating on their significant other and what they would consider cheating.

Please remove if not appropriate for the forum (although I read the charter and I don't think it goes against it).

Tomw86 · 22-02-2019 4:59pm

Haven't and wouldn't. Too much hassle and don't see the point if you love the person you're with.

Parawata · 22-02-2019 5:06pm

Monife wrote: »

I would love to get an idea of how many men cheat in relationships/marriages, men's perception of cheating on their significant other and what they would consider cheating.

Please remove if not appropriate for the forum (although I read the charter and I don't think it goes against it).

Not sure what you're trying to achieve here but if you can't see how insulting this is you have a very poor view of men in general

leggo · 22-02-2019 5:12pm

Cheated in my first relationship as a teenager. Came clean and it was horrific to see the damage I’d done. Vowed never to do it again and haven’t/won’t.

Been cheated on and it was even more horrific.

I’d have to be a special kind of cnut to have gone through that and still do it again. I wouldn’t do it to someone I hated much less someone I purported to care about. Sex is just sex, no amount of quick gratification is worth living with the fact that you fundamentally broke another human being and forever negatively altered their attitude towards love and relationships. It’s about as low as you can legally go.

Segotias · 22-02-2019 5:17pm

Well in roughly the past year 4 of the 6 times I've been propositioned have been by either married or attached men.

Don't understand the point of it tbh, if you're not happy in a relationship move on before going for someone else and completely hurting the person you are with.

professore · 22-02-2019 5:17pm

You're probably going to get a very biased sample here, the kind of people that actually post on boards are generally not the kind devoting their waking moments to picking up women.

Mokuba · 22-02-2019 5:18pm

Sex, sexting of any description and even a kiss means you are done in my book. Break up and never take the person back.

If you give your word to someone you should honour it. If you feel like you can no longer keep your word then break up with the person.

Once the trust is gone it can never be repaired.

Peatys · 22-02-2019 5:19pm

There's one lad in work who's a drama queen, goes out at the weekends on the pull leaving his girlfriend at home.

Everyone just thinks he's a cúnt.

Kidkinobe · 22-02-2019 5:20pm

Im looking for a woman if any single women are reading this...in fact, even if you are not single, I might consider you...

professore · 22-02-2019 5:21pm

Peatys wrote: »

There's one lad in work who's a drama queen, goes out at the weekends on the pull leaving his girlfriend at home.

Everyone just thinks he's a cúnt.

That's the thing ... everything you read says that men are slapping each other on the back for this sort of behaviour ... while in actual fact most men think men like this are the c word. If I announced to any of my male friends I cheated on the wife I wouldn't be met with high fives and approval.

StupidLikeAFox · 22-02-2019 5:24pm

professore wrote: »

You're probably going to get a very biased sample here, the kind of people that actually post on boards are generally not the kind devoting their waking moments to picking up women.

Plus there will be no shortage of people to condemn cheating as the worst thing a person can do, but the fact is that lots of men (and women) do cheat. You are unlikely to get someone saying "Yeah I cheat all the time, have my fun and the missus doesn't find out so nobody gets hurt" even though that is probably a common enough perspective

professore · 22-02-2019 5:25pm

StupidLikeAFox wrote: »

Plus there will be no shortage of people to condemn cheating as the worst thing a person can do, but the fact is that lots of men (and women) do cheat. You are unlikely to get someone saying "Yeah I cheat all the time, have my fun and the missus doesn't find out so nobody gets hurt" even though that is probably a common enough perspective

Well the question isn't about whether you are ever tempted. That's a whole other ballgame

Monife · 22-02-2019 5:28pm

Parawata wrote: »

Not sure what you're trying to achieve here but if you can't see how insulting this is you have a very poor view of men in general

I'm sorry if you feel insulted, that certainly was not my intention. You are right, I do have a poor view of men, every significant male figure in my life, including more recently my ex husband, has cheated.

Nearly every woman I know has been cheated on and it just feels like, to me, that it is extremely common.

I guess what I am trying to achieve here is some confidence that a good percentage of men don't cheat, rather than my perception that over 90% of men cheat.

victor8600 · 22-02-2019 5:29pm

This poll makes little sense. What would you consider cheating? If you compliment a coworker on their appearance -- is that cheating on your partner? What about sexting? Is going to a prostitute abroad cheating?

22-02-2019 5:34pm

Probably a disproportionate amount of men on here compared to general population that are vehemently against any form of cheating.
Also people unlikely to be honest with opinions here as you would get berated if you said you were cheating.
Personally, I think it happens a lot and I don't believe that humans are naturally monogamous creatures. That applies to both sexes.

ELM327 · 22-02-2019 5:38pm

Have cheated multiple times in the past, never on my current partner though
I think it's a mindset and if you cheat you obviously are unhappy with the relationship you are in.

tmh106 · 22-02-2019 5:43pm

Monife wrote: »

I guess what I am trying to achieve here is some confidence that a good percentage of men don't cheat, rather than my perception that over 90% of men cheat.

Why?

Monife · 22-02-2019 5:44pm

ELM327 wrote: »

Have cheated multiple times in the past, never on my current partner though
I think it's a mindset and if you cheat you obviously are unhappy with the relationship you are in.

That's a bit of a cop out. If you're unhappy with the relationship, do something to fix it or break up.

They say the only emotional pain worse than cheating, is the death of a child.

Monife · 22-02-2019 5:49pm

tmh106 wrote: »

Why?

Well I don't want to be alone forever but I also don't want to experience heartbreak like I did with my ex husband again. Bit of a risk/benefit analysis.

misstearheus · 22-02-2019 5:50pm

A LOT.

But can see it from every side involved. Not condoning Home-wreckers, but when it's so rife and rampant (pardon the pun hahaha) it gets easier to see the whole picture, and it's difficult to pick a party to blame or a side to stand by. But shure what favours a guy leaving anyway, having to part with half his money and potentially never if ever seeing his kids again or going up against the nightmare of kids being poisoned against him.... Nothing. Why would a guy leave. He will just stay and put up with it and may seek out other women on the side.

Palmach · 22-02-2019 5:51pm

Monife wrote: »

That's a bit of a cop out. If you're unhappy with the relationship, do something to fix it or break up.

They say the only emotional pain worse than cheating, is the death of a child.

Hysteria much? It happens especially if drink is involved. I know men who have done it once or twice but still love their wives.

ELM327 · 22-02-2019 5:53pm

Monife wrote: »

That's a bit of a cop out. If you're unhappy with the relationship, do something to fix it or break up.

They say the only emotional pain worse than cheating, is the death of a child.

That's what I mean, you're unhappy obviously and you should just leave or something.

SusieBlue · 22-02-2019 5:53pm

I don't think its a male thing. I think a higher amount of men and women in general cheat on their partners than in the previous generation.

I also think a lot more cheating went on back in the day, but with no divorce and separations being looked down on by society, it wasn't as publicly spoken about as it is these days, because marriages weren't ending because of it.

Its not a modern problem, but I do agree its perhaps more of a problem than it was in the past.

Wheety · 22-02-2019 5:55pm

Women cheat too.

binana · 22-02-2019 5:56pm

I cheated on an ex with a friend on a night out. The relationship was dying a slow death anyway. I broke up with them afterwards and started dating the person I cheated with.

I never told them I cheated, because it felt like adding insult to injury. It would've alleviated my own guilt but would only hurt the dumpee further. I don't think these things are black and white, it just sometimes happens.

Edited to add: I mean, cheating is always wrong. But not only *bad people* or whatever cheat. These situations can be complicated.

Parawata · 22-02-2019 5:58pm

Monife wrote: »

I'm sorry if you feel insulted, that certainly was not my intention. You are right, I do have a poor view of men, every significant male figure in my life, including more recently my ex husband, has cheated.

Nearly every woman I know has been cheated on and it just feels like, to me, that it is extremely common.

I guess what I am trying to achieve here is some confidence that a good percentage of men don't cheat, rather than my perception that over 90% of men cheat.

At least you're honest in your dislike.

You might need to re-examine your motivations though. At a guess I'd say rather than renew faith that isn't there you maybe unconciously are looking to validate the view you currently have of men.

Don't mean it in a bad way but I feel sorry for anyone who has such a dim view of 50% of the worlds population based on the very small sampling they've met.

Monife · 22-02-2019 6:00pm

Palmach wrote: »

Hysteria much? It happens especially if drink is involved. I know men who have done it once or twice but still love their wives.

Oh look, another cop out. I'm sorry, drunk or not, if you truly love and respect your wife, you would never cheat.

When you are madly in love with someone and think your relationship is almost perfect, and then you get cheated on, come back to me and see if you still think it is hysteria.

noby · 22-02-2019 6:01pm

victor8600 wrote: »

This poll makes little sense. What would you consider cheating? If you compliment a coworker on their appearance -- is that cheating on your partner? What about sexting? Is going to a prostitute abroad cheating?

Well, that escalated quickly.

SusieBlue · 22-02-2019 6:02pm

Monife wrote: »

Oh look, another cop out. I'm sorry, drunk or not, if you truly love and respect your wife, you would never cheat.

When you are madly in love with someone and think your relationship is almost perfect, and then you get cheated on, come back to me and see if you still think it is hysteria.

In the nicest way possible, if your relationship was near perfect, he wouldn't have cheated on you.
Disclaimer: my last long term partner cheated on me too. I know it sucks.

Monife · 22-02-2019 6:03pm

Also, on the subject of being drunk, I have been extremely drunk on a number of occasions and been propositioned but never cheated it. It's a lame excuse imo.

sameoldname · 22-02-2019 6:04pm

From what I've seen it's very common.

In my personal group of close friends there are at least 5 that I know have cheated in the past and 3 of those have cheated on their current partner. 2 of those 3 are now married and while one came clean right away I'm pretty sure the other one never told. To be fair to the rest though, the next day after cheating they did end the relationship. It's not all men in the group either, there are 3 women, 2 of which have cheated on their current partner and 1 which has never cheated on anyone as far as anyone is aware.

While in most cases it does seem that the majority of cheating is down to being in a bad relationship, in a lot of cases it really does seem that some people can never be trusted. Low self-esteem seems to be the cause of most of it but there does seem to be quite a few psychopaths out there. They'll be the ones who will blame you for them cheating on you repeatedly!

I do think respect is the key though. If someone does actually respect you, chances are they won't cheat.

leggo · 22-02-2019 6:04pm

ELM327 wrote: »

Have cheated multiple times in the past, never on my current partner though
I think it's a mindset and if you cheat you obviously are unhappy with the relationship you are in.

Lazy argument cheaters use to distance themselves from guilt/blame “Oh well if YOU were better I wouldn’t have cheated”.

Cheating rarely has to do with relationship satisfaction and among the people I know who’d have little qualms with cheating, it’s just because they can and have little/no morals around that. They’d probably be devastated if they lost their partner because of it though. Some have been cheated on and see it as inevitable so they do it first. Some are just narcissists who are incapable of caring about others properly. But it’s never to do with the victim because the obvious solution is that you can just break up with them and anyone who tells themselves that’s why is kidding themselves.

Monife · 22-02-2019 6:05pm

SusieBlue wrote: »

In the nicest way possible, if your relationship was near perfect, he wouldn't have cheated on you.
Disclaimer: my last long term partner cheated on me too. I know it sucks.

I disagree. There are certain men (and women) that do it because they think they can get away with it. That's what my ex said, it was two drunken one night stands with an ex on a visit to his home country, thought nothing of it, until she told him she was pregnant.

kunst nugget · 22-02-2019 6:07pm

Monife wrote: »

They say the only emotional pain worse than cheating, is the death of a child.

Hmm, I know you're hurt and all but I'm going to call bullshít on that.

SusieBlue · 22-02-2019 6:11pm

Monife wrote: »

I disagree. There are certain men (and women) that do it because they think they can get away with it. That's what my ex said, it was two drunken one night stands with an ex on a visit to his home country, thought nothing of it, until she told him she was pregnant.

Well surely you can accept that if the person you were in a relationship with happily cheated on you without a second thought "just because he could get away with it", it wasn't a perfect relationship?

Monife · 22-02-2019 6:11pm

kunst nugget wrote: »

Hmm, I know you're hurt and all but I'm going to call bullshít on that.

It's something I read on a psychology post about infidelity. I don't have kids and have obviously never lost one so I can't compare. But it is the worst emotional pain I have ever felt, to feel the one person you trusted the most could betray you like that. I'm out of the other side mentally now which is good.

I'm on a few FB groups that discuss the issue and a large number have also been diagnosed with PTSD as a result of being cheated on.

22-02-2019 6:11pm

opportunity and attraction are major factors

chances of getting away with it too

the state of your actual relationship probably only arises after the above

nb never cheated, i fall at hurdle one!

Liam McPoyle · 22-02-2019 6:13pm

Never have never will.

If the day comes that I no longer want to be with my wife and want to pursue other women then I will have the balls to say it to her face.

Its a horrible breach of trust.

A mate of mine is a fcuker for it. Was with a girl for 6 years and cheated on her multiple times. Now married to someone else and I suspect he has cheated on her too. His best friend from childhood has also cheated on his wife on multiple occasions.

Scummy conduct and it really tarnishes my opinion of him to such an extent that we have only really hung out once in the last 18 months.

Monife · 22-02-2019 6:13pm

SusieBlue wrote: »

Well surely you can accept that if the person you were in a relationship with happily cheated on you without a second thought "just because he could get away with it", it wasn't a perfect relationship?

The relationship was almost perfect, he was just a compulsive lying piece of sh*t. He's definitely 70-80% narcissist too which could be part of it.

Anyway, not going to drag the thread OT with my own cr*p. Just wanted to hear the opinions of other men on the subject.

22-02-2019 6:18pm

kunst nugget wrote: »

Hmm, I know you're hurt and all but I'm going to call bullshít on that.

Maybe I got this wrong, but you're calling bull**** on their opinion that the death of a child is worse than being cheated on? is that a correct interpretation? I wouldnt say there is much worse than the death of a child.

Personally I dont know how or if Id get over the death of a child (I dont even want to say or type "the death of my child" as it makes me feel wrong saying or thinking it), Id probably move on, but I dont think Id get over it.
You think that isnt worse than being cheated on???
Id get over being cheated on, more so now than before, and it felt sick knowing or being told, and I still think it would, but its possible to get past being cheated on.

sameoldname · 22-02-2019 6:22pm

Monife wrote: »

The relationship was almost perfect, he was just a compulsive lying piece of sh*t. He's definitely 70-80% narcissist too which could be part of it.

Anyway, not going to drag the thread OT with my own cr*p. Just wanted to hear the opinions of other men on the subject.

Take this from someone who has been cheated on and knows how much it destroys you in practically every way. The chances are, you knew from pretty early on that he was a "compulsive lying piece of sh*t" and you just ignored it. Best thing to do is to look back through the relationship and try and find the first moment you realised this guy was a scumbag. Then remember all the other times you noticed it over the course of the entire relationship. It can be quite eye-opening believe me!

It's only by learning the signs that you can avoid making the same mistakes in the future. Then this whole hateful experience won't be for nothing.

SusieBlue · 22-02-2019 6:23pm

sameoldname wrote: »

Take this from someone who has been cheated on and knows how much it destroys you in practically every way. The chances are, you knew from pretty early on that he was a "compulsive lying piece of sh*t" and you just ignored it. Best thing to do is to look back through the relationship and try and find the first moment you realised this guy was a scumbag. Then remember all the other times you noticed it over the course of the entire relationship. It can be quite eye-opening believe me!

It's only by learning the signs that you can avoid making the same mistakes in the future. Then this whole hateful experience won't be for nothing.

This was my experience too. The signs were there, I just chose to ignore them because I was blinded by the love I felt myself.

zapitastas · 22-02-2019 6:29pm

Any stag I have ever been on has been full of lads cheating so is fairly rampant

Pawwed Rig · 22-02-2019 6:31pm

Your poll is not going to tell you anything as it is unlikely to reach a sample size that is statistically valid never mind that the audience is too restricted.

I never understood why men got a worse reputation for cheating than women. If a man is cheating then he is (in most cases) doing it with a woman. We could assume that all the girls they are having sex with are single but that hardly seems plausible given the single guys reputation for screwing around. I am confused where all the girls are coming from. The only solution I can think of is that there is a small group of single girls that are riding half of Ireland.

kunst nugget · 22-02-2019 6:31pm

1874 wrote: »

Maybe I got this wrong, but you're calling bull**** on their opinion that the death of a child is worse than being cheated on? is that a correct interpretation? I wouldnt say there is much worse than the death of a child.

Personally I dont know how or if Id get over the death of a child (I dont even want to say or type "the death of my child" as it makes me feel wrong saying or thinking it), Id probably move on, but I dont think Id get over it.
You think that isnt worse than being cheated on???
Id get over being cheated on, more so now than before, and it felt sick knowing or being told, and I still think it would, but its possible to get past being cheated on.

I'm talking about cheating being second only to losing a child in the emotional pain stakes. There's plenty of things I'd put above cheating tbh - it might be extremely unpleasant but nobody's dead or critically ill.

Plus it really depends on the depth of the relationship - someone cheating on you two months into a relationship is not the same as losing a child.

sameoldname · 22-02-2019 6:36pm

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

I never understood why men got a worse reputation for cheating than women. If a man is cheating then he is (in most cases) doing it with a woman. We could assume that all the girls they are having sex with are single but that hardly seems plausible given the single guys reputation for screwing around I am confused where all the girls are coming from. The only solution I can think of is that there is a small group of single girls that are riding half of Ireland.

Any survey I've ever seen concludes that men do cheat more than women, though I believe the gap is closing.

As a man though, it is alarming how many women appear to cheat so I can only imagine how women feel about men...

Pawwed Rig · 22-02-2019 6:40pm

sameoldname wrote: »

Any survey I've ever seen concludes that men do cheat more than women..

How is that possible though?

thisnoize7 · 22-02-2019 6:57pm

F*ck, here it goes.
I cheated on a partner in my first emotionally mature relationship I had - 'serious' if you will.
I did nothing but love and respect the girl throughout the whole relationship until this moment.
I never strayed, I never acted the maggot. I snubbed all and any female attention - I loved this girl more than life itself.

Here comes the cliché; I went on a stag do for a mate, we rented an apartment abroad.
I blacked out and woke up with a random after the last night, I'm talking absolute amnesia blackout drunk.

Now I want to make something very clear:

- I don't defend, condone or justify my actions
- I don't have a drink problem
- I don't binge drink
- I don't show my 'true colours' when I'm intoxicated

I don't know what feelings I felt more, the crippling guilt that manifested into nausea or the anger and self-loathing?
I just simply could not comprehend how I could do such a thing to such an important person in my life.
It has changed the way I drink completely and I could count on one hand how many times I have drank the year just gone 2018.
This has truly been a negative impact on my self esteem and any potential relationship prospects I think will ever have.
It has resulted in trust issues myself. It has been the elephant in the room and it doesn't go away:

- Me with a girl I dated after "God I just don't understand how people can cheat". The elephant says hello.
- "Once a cheater always a cheater" - Oh lovely.
- Reading this thread. Yep.
- Any sort of film, box-set, media story, tabloid, scandal, shock horror etc. He's always there.

Now this is where the plot thickens and probably where I get the abuse I deserve.
My partner at the time had a horrible relationship before me and you guessed it - she was cheated on before. It broke her.
We spent years together building a foundation of trust, proving to her that she meant so much to me and in just one stupid night abroad I dug the whole thing up and shat all over it.

I came home from the trip and I did the only decent thing I could think of at the time. I didn't kiss her, I didn't touch her.
I told her I felt ill and went straight home to bed (we didn't live together).
I took 2-3 days off work, went back in done overtime in work to get my mind off things but to also try think of how I was going to tell her the truth.
This was all over 6-7 days since I came home.

I met up with her and I broke up with her. I never told her I cheated.
"Is there somebody else?" Nope there's not, only me.

I wanted to come clean so bad, I was not afraid of the shame or the ridicule - but I could not steal that trust from her again.
My logic being she meant so much to me - she does not deserve that again, I worried about her well being (ironic yeah I know).
We ended there and then. I ignored the drunk calls, the loneliness, the guilt and here we are today.

I broke her heart but not in the cheating way and I'm working on forgiving myself now and moving on with my life.
Jaysus it feels good to get that off my chest.

Wibbs · 22-02-2019 7:09pm

It would be my experience that both men and women are about equal on the infidelity front. I would very broadly say the ages when they cheat tend to be a different. IE I've known more men than women who cheated in very longterm setups like marriage when they were in their 40's and above, whereas I've known more women to do it in more short term things in their 20's kinda thing. Way more middle aged lads with pale bits of their ring finger out chancing their arm at business conferences and the like.

binana wrote: »

I cheated on an ex with a friend on a night out. The relationship was dying a slow death anyway. I broke up with them afterwards and started dating the person I cheated with.

I never told them I cheated, because it felt like adding insult to injury. It would've alleviated my own guilt but would only hurt the dumpee further. I don't think these things are black and white, it just sometimes happens.

This is one I have noticed is more a trend with women and unlike yourself B a fair few don't see it as really cheating. That is the old relationship may be going stale, or they've decided they want out, but they don't want to be single so look for the replacement guy while still in a relationship. Like a monkey swinging from branch to branch they won't let go of one until the next one is in their other hand. I've known a few who had even more of an overlap between boyfriends, like months in a few cases, keeping both in the air until they make a decision.

SusieBlue wrote: »

In the nicest way possible, if your relationship was near perfect, he wouldn't have cheated on you.
Disclaimer: my last long term partner cheated on me too. I know it sucks.

Some people just cheat S. I've known a few(more men) like this. It's almost like a thrill to them, a challenge. Even when their relationships were good, even better than average. In a period of my life(after I was cheated on in a very shitty selfish way) I've been "the other man" a few times and with most they genuinely seemed to be generally happy in their longterm relationship, even "loved" them and were planning to spend their lives with them and all that, but still... The others were doing the lining up new boyfriend types, or using the affair as a "sign" their relationship was done and dusted.

SusieBlue wrote: »

This was my experience too. The signs were there, I just chose to ignore them because I was blinded by the love I felt myself.

Yup. There are a few signs, depending on the type. Take the example I gave above of "monkey branching", if you meet a woman and she ends up with you while she was in a previous relationship because it wasn't working out etc, then chances are high that's going to be you down the line. If you find out she's never been single in her adult life doubly so. If she stays in contact because she "wants to be friends"(very much more a woman thing) and/or pulls the "I'm confused/don't know what to feel" she's keeping you and the other guy in play for a time. Actually if anyone, man or woman pulls the "I'm confused/don't know what to feel" stuff, scrape them off and out of your life with extreme prejudice. They run on feelings and will tend to make rash decisions on the basis of them. To rip off a quote from the flic Lawrence of Arabia "With Major Lawrence, mercy is a passion. With me, it is merely good manners. You may judge which motive is the more reliable".

Generally speaking consistent past behaviour informs future behaviour. So if you know a guy who's always been a slapper who cheated on previous girlfriends then you'll just be another one. If he's decided to "settle down" with you, then that fault will come out down the line in some way, not always with cheating.

The problem with many of these signs is that you only tend to see them when you're deep into the relationship and more of the past is revealed. Hindsight is easy, not so easy if as you say S you're in love with someone. Your heart tells you this time it'll be different because it's you two. Love is blind in that regard. It also tends to be deaf and intellectually challenged.

In answer to the thread question? Nope, I've never cheated on a girlfriend, even when it was looking like it was going south and opportunities could be taken. It's not that I'm a saint, far from it, I'm simply just not built that way, so it's easy for me to not cheat. At the other end I can't do this imported American dating stuff either where I'm "dating"(or a different verb) more than one woman at a time. Though I only once encountered that and a good few years back and she was American so.. After a night out, IIRC our fourth or fifth, she tells me she's dating two other men, so after I slept on it I told her she wasn't dating me anymore. Like I say, just how I'm built.

Wibbs · 22-02-2019 7:11pm

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

How is that possible though?

I know what you mean P, though of the married guys I've known who cheated on their wives it was nearly always with single women. Actually most guys I know who have done the dirt also did it with single women.

Wibbs · 22-02-2019 7:18pm

thisnoize7 wrote: »

F*ck, here it goes....

Funny enough, though I'd be bloody hurt and angry and sad and all that if a girlfriend I loved and was with for a long time told me that, but is she expressed what you have TBH I'd almost certainly try to move on from it and get back the relationship.

Cheating

Have you or would you cheat? 509 votes

Comments