Should I help my sister despite not being in the bridal party?

Toots · 10-05-2015 1:58pm

didntgotoplan wrote: »

Toots - I've never been a MOH so not sure what she does but our family do expect them to plan stuff based on what I've heard at family weddings. Her husband to be is working 60 +hours a week to pay for it as my sister wants a huge wedding.

I've been a bridesmaid a couple of times, and been modding this forum for a few years. From what I've seen, there are varying amounts of involvement that brides expect from their bridesmaids, but I've never heard of a MOH being expected to organise cars/flowers/bands etc.

shaymus27 · 10-05-2015 2:08pm

Hi OP,

I wouldn't normally advise doing anything negative on anyone. Your sister seems so horrible I will make an exception in this instance.

If she stole boyfriends from you in the past (doesn't surprise me as she sounds like she always wants to put you down and is a complete narcissist) why don't you get her fiancé interested in you and begin an affair (just kissing, not much else) and have your sister find out?

You would feel better and for once get the upper hand. It would empower you. At the moment you are down-trodden by her and for once you could be "on - top" in your relationship with your sister. See how she feels like it to be treated badly. Sounds like she treats everyone badly and only ever thinks of herself.

mg1982 · 10-05-2015 2:11pm

OP i think your sister has seen you as a walkover for most of her life. Maybe its time to prove her wrong.

Vojera · 10-05-2015 2:18pm

My wife and I had four bridesmaids and the amount of responsibility we asked of them was this: please try on your dresses and shoes and let us know if they fit and you like them; and please help us tie up our dresses for dancing, it's really hard to do alone!

All the things you're describing are for the bride and groom to sort themselves, not anyone else. And even if that wasn't the case, I'd echo the sentiments of other posters, that she's looking for someone to take the fall if things don't work out.

The fact that even your parents are afraid of not being invited if they rock the boat speaks volumes about the type of person your sister is: she's spoilt, selfish and willing to throw her toys out of the pram at a moment's notice if it seems like she won't get her own way. OP, even if you did everything she asked and more, I guarantee you it wouldn't be good enough. She would find some way to put you down.

Knowing all those things, why on earth would you want to help her? She's not going to suddenly make you a bridesmaid if you do a good job. And I know you're hurt at being left out, but it sounds like she's one of those people who thinks her 'special day' gives her a licence to act like a complete asshole, so you may have actually dodged a bullet.

Geniass · 10-05-2015 2:24pm

shaymus27 wrote: »

Hi OP,

I wouldn't normally advise doing anything negative on anyone. Your sister seems so horrible I will make an exception in this instance.

If she stole boyfriends from you in the past (doesn't surprise me as she sounds like she always wants to put you down and is a complete narcissist) why don't you get her fiancé interested in you and begin an affair (just kissing, not much else) and have your sister find out?

You would feel better and for once get the upper hand. It would empower you. At the moment you are down-trodden by her and for once you could be "on - top" in your relationship with your sister. See how she feels like it to be treated badly. Sounds like she treats everyone badly and only ever thinks of herself.

And he rebuffs her (probable) and he tells her sister and she tells their parents and the OP looks like a (insert pejorative of choice).

Tempting, but not a runner.

tinkerbell · 10-05-2015 2:28pm

shaymus27 wrote: »

If she stole boyfriends from you in the past (doesn't surprise me as she sounds like she always wants to put you down and is a complete narcissist) why don't you get her fiancé interested in you and begin an affair (just kissing, not much else) and have your sister find out?

You would feel better and for once get the upper hand. It would empower you. At the moment you are down-trodden by her and for once you could be "on - top" in your relationship with your sister. See how she feels like it to be treated badly. Sounds like she treats everyone badly and only ever thinks of herself.

WTF kind of a suggestion is that?! On what planet is that even considered an option? Bloody hell.

shaymus27 · 10-05-2015 2:38pm

Geniass wrote: »

And he rebuffs her (probable) and he tells her sister and she tells their parents and the OP looks like a (insert pejorative of choice).

Tempting, but not a runner.

He is probably as conceited as the OP's sister and has an ego to match.

He might well go for it if he has such an ego.

All she has to do is deny it, and if he did say anything it would cause a commotion and upset her sister anyway. Mission accomplished.

Satori Rae · 10-05-2015 2:46pm

shaymus27 wrote: »

He is probably as conceited as the OP's sister and has an ego to match.

He might well go for it if he has such an ego.

All she has to do is deny it, and if he did say anything it would cause a commotion and upset her sister anyway. Mission accomplished.

Sorry but that is gross to lower yourself to do that, I know revenge can seem tempting but the higher ground is the way to go for sure. You don't want to get into a clinch with someone you have no interest in and also what happens if this blows up and op gets labeled a home wrecker and a tart.

Op is better of being breezy and not putting herself out of her way to do anything for this wedding at all.
I have the same type of sibling situation and for me life is way better with out them as I don't have drama or stress or get used to do things and roared at when I cant.

7 years and counting since I told them to jog on and I am loving it. Granted Op may not want to cut them out but that is a bit much tbh.

shaymus27 · 10-05-2015 3:05pm

Satori Rae wrote: »

Sorry but that is gross to lower yourself to do that, I know revenge can seem tempting but the higher ground is the way to go for sure. You don't want to get into a clinch with someone you have no interest in and also what happens if this blows up and op gets labeled a home wrecker and a tart.

Op is better of being breezy and not putting herself out of her way to do anything for this wedding at all.
I have the same type of sibling situation and for me life is way better with out them as I don't have drama or stress or get used to do things and roared at when I cant.

7 years and counting since I told them to jog on and I am loving it. Granted Op may not want to cut them out but that is a bit much tbh.

Well done for cutting someone toxic out of your life. These toxic people only make us feel bad about ourselves and you are basically wasting your time if you think they will ever change. Only way is to cut them out and don't listen to others who tell you you are wrong to do that. Thanks for comment.

shaymus27 · 10-05-2015 3:38pm

tinkerbell wrote: »

WTF kind of a suggestion is that?! On what planet is that even considered an option? Bloody hell.

If someone is continually down-trodden it will destroy their self-esteem. At some point the OP has to lash out to get rid of the frustration of how she has been treated by her sister or it will eat her up and she will be frustrated and then depressed.

If you keep suppressing anger you get depressed.

Satori Rae · 10-05-2015 4:48pm

shaymus27 wrote: »

Well done for cutting someone toxic out of your life. These toxic people only make us feel bad about ourselves and you are basically wasting your time if you think they will ever change. Only way is to cut them out and don't listen to others who tell you you are wrong to do that. Thanks for comment.

Thank you. Like I see your point and one or 2 other posters about sabotage, like ops sister does not simply sound nice at all it is tempting if someone is that nasty to you. But I am sure if your family know what they are like so will everyone else. So there really is no need to make yourself look as bad as her.

I wonder why the MOH won't be around, maybe she can't be or maybe she is rolling her eyes and staying away until she can't avoid it any longer?.

shaymus27 · 10-05-2015 4:56pm

Satori Rae wrote: »

Thank you. Like I see your point and one or 2 other posters about sabotage, like ops sister does not simply sound nice at all it is tempting if someone is that nasty to you. But I am sure if your family know what they are like so will everyone else. So there really is no need to make yourself look as bad as her.

I wonder why the MOH won't be around, maybe she can't be or maybe she is rolling her eyes and staying away until she can't avoid it any longer?.

Thanks Satori,

A lot of people over-do the "well she/he is family" line.

You wouldn't put up with so much nonsense from someone who isn't family so why endure it just because they are family?

Maybe those who the OP's sister have chosen are afraid of doing something wrong but didn't want to say no to her when asked to be involved in the wedding.

DeltaWhite · 10-05-2015 5:05pm

Hey op my advice is to not get involved whatsoever.

I was MOH for my sister in law and now our relationship is damaged beyond repair. She turned into a complete bridezilla, had me doing everything for her even though she didn't work she had all the hours in the day to do all that stuff herself. I was full time working and it got so bad she started ringing my job looking for me as I wouldn't answer calls to her (not allowed personal calls in work and I was busy) so she rang my job daily, I was getting in trouble in work for it as well. My boss even told her to stop ringing in!

She has 7 aunties who sat on their fat asses and did nothing to help, In fact made more work for me. I literally couldn't wait for the wedding to be over and now we barely speak because I just cannot believe how much of a b!tch she was to me. Never again.

So my advice is to politely tell her you won't be getting involved, it's her wedding, so let her do the work. It's even more cheeky that you're not in the bridal party but expected to do all this for her.

Cheeky woman! Although it doesn't surprise me. Weddings can bring out the absolute physco in some women. So much that I swore after that wedding I would not have a big deal wedding for myself. Registry office and a party. That's how much hell my sis in law put me through! Don't do it!

MadDog76 · 10-05-2015 5:06pm

didntgotoplan wrote: »

My sister is getting married next year and there is 8 siblings between both families, including myself.

My sister recently announced during a family dinner that every sibling, except me, will be in the bridal party. Except my sister wants me to plan all the stuff a MOH does so I can "be involved in the wedding" because her MOH (the future sister in law) is living abroad.

My mom is very upset over me not being in the bridal party but I don't really care about not being part of it - I'm awkward and like to blend in with the crowd. However I want to refuse to help her because I don't want to do all of that hassle for nothing (i.e. she is treating all her bridal party to everything being paid for them)

My sister used to be a really good friend and we used to do everything together but since she began having children, I get the feeling that she feels ashamed of me being her sister. We stopped hanging out and talking every day but she always comes around to mine when its one of their family's birthdays or another holiday with gifts. I always get the feeling she uses me and whenever I refuse to babysit her children or something like that, I'm ignored for months on end until someone else in our family annoys her and she needs my help. She even blocked me from seeing my niece and nephew when she ignores me. At this moment, I'm being ignored by her except during family gatherings.

Am I right to refuse her or should I just help her this once since it's her day?

Satori Rae wrote: »

Thank you. Like I see your point and one or 2 other posters about sabotage, like ops sister does not simply sound nice at all it is tempting if someone is that nasty to you. But I am sure if your family know what they are like so will everyone else. So there really is no need to make yourself look as bad as her.

I wonder why the MOH won't be around, maybe she can't be or maybe she is rolling her eyes and staying away until she can't avoid it any longer?.

She's living abroad ..........

Satori Rae · 10-05-2015 5:42pm

MadDog76 wrote: »

She's living abroad ..........

I know but usually MH at least organizes the hen and go on a few appointments with the bride (to help with advice as a mate would) if she was expecting her sister to do it, I wondered of she asked the MH for help?

After all she expected her sister to take of work, I wonder if the MH could get time off if she works, or if she simply chose to get out of it. One just wonders is all.

MadDog76 · 10-05-2015 6:26pm

Satori Rae wrote: »

I know but usually MH at least organizes the hen and go on a few appointments with the bride (to help with advice as a mate would) if she was expecting her sister to do it, I wondered of she asked the MH for help?

After all she expected her sister to take of work, I wonder if the MH could get time off if she works, or if she simply chose to get out of it. One just wonders is all.

Depends ........ what if she's living in Australia?

didntgotoplan · 10-05-2015 6:43pm

I tried to call her but couldn't get through so I sent her a text telling her that I don't want to be involved other than a regular guest, as the bridal party should help her. She didn't reply back but did text all my immediate family asking them to talk to me to change my mind.

As for all the suggestions to sabotage her relationship, I wouldn't stoop so low and I'm disgusted it was even said even if it's a joke. She is still my sister, can't change that but I wouldn't wish anything bad on her or her family and I don't want to do anything to hurt my niece and nephew.

Satori Rae · 10-05-2015 6:53pm

didntgotoplan wrote: »

I tried to call her but couldn't get through so I sent her a text telling her that I don't want to be involved other than a regular guest, as the bridal party should help her. She didn't reply back but did text all my immediate family asking them to talk to me to change my mind.

As for all the suggestions to sabotage her relationship, I wouldn't stoop so low and I'm disgusted it was even said even if it's a joke. She is still my sister, can't change that but I wouldn't wish anything bad on her or her family and I don't want to do anything to hurt my niece and nephew.

You are dead right to do what you did. Best course of action. I think you under estimate your value as a person (something most of us do if we are honest) and she needs to at least appreciate you and things you do for her even if your not joined at the hip.

Don't back down from your stance and stay your course your time is to valuable to run around after people kin or not who are not grateful

wupucus · 10-05-2015 6:59pm

take the money you would be spending on the wedding, dress, present , whatever and book yourself a nice holiday, which unfortunately happens to commence on the day of the wedding, what a shame......... go enjoy yourself girl................

tinkerbell · 10-05-2015 7:36pm

shaymus27 wrote: »

If someone is continually down-trodden it will destroy their self-esteem. At some point the OP has to lash out to get rid of the frustration of how she has been treated by her sister or it will eat her up and she will be frustrated and then depressed.

If you keep suppressing anger you get depressed.

Again WTF? Your first suggestion that OP have an affair to sort this mess was pure lunacy. Your second suggestion that unless she has said affair otherwise she'll get depression is so off the wall I am speechless.

shaymus27 · 10-05-2015 8:39pm

tinkerbell wrote: »

Again WTF? Your first suggestion that OP have an affair to sort this mess was pure lunacy. Your second suggestion that unless she has said affair otherwise she'll get depression is so off the wall I am speechless.

It's not that having an affair would prevent the depression, it's having a go at her sister would release the anger and resentment that must have built up over the years and been suppressed.

Suppressing anger will lead to depression.

I'll bet her sister doesn't suppress anger. I'll bet she lashes out at anyone who looks crooked at her.

It's the nice people that don't react, bottle it up and get ill from years of suppressing all that anger.

I think I was wrong to suggest it. I like many have tried to be nice to people over the years and got nothing but abuse and downtrodden. Sometimes I think I am a mug for trying to be the better person and rise above it. It can be stressful not reacting to nastiness. I don't want what has happened to me from not letting go of the hurt and anger to happen to someone else but it was an inappropriate suggestion on my part.

Thankfully the OP will not do this. Sometimes you wonder why you bother trying to be so nice when those who aren't nice seem to be admired and respected by everyone whereas the nice people get seen as mugs and soft touches.

Satori Rae · 10-05-2015 9:06pm

shaymus27 wrote: »

It's not that having an affair would prevent the depression, it's having a go at her sister would release the anger and resentment that must have built up over the years and been suppressed.

Suppressing anger will lead to depression.

I'll bet her sister doesn't suppress anger. I'll bet she lashes out at anyone who looks crooked at her.

It's the nice people that don't react, bottle it up and get ill from years of suppressing all that anger.

I think I was wrong to suggest it. I like many have tried to be nice to people over the years and got nothing but abuse and downtrodden. Sometimes I think I am a mug for trying to be the better person and rise above it. It can be stressful not reacting to nastiness. I don't want what has happened to me from not letting go of the hurt and anger to happen to someone else but it was an inappropriate suggestion on my part.

Thankfully the OP will not do this. Sometimes you wonder why you bother trying to be so nice when those who aren't nice seem to be admired and respected by everyone whereas the nice people get seen as mugs and soft touches.

I get what you mean and I don't think you thought your original comment through (if that is ok to say).

It is true that after years of taking flack and being a lackey can make you short tempered in a way and quick to act. I am deffo testament to that. I don't have any time for wasters or users. This can lead me to being to honest about things :P sometimes you can say something to rash but it's all good like

shaymus27 · 10-05-2015 9:24pm

Satori Rae wrote: »

I get what you mean and I don't think you thought your original comment through (if that is ok to say).

It is true that after years of taking flack and being a lackey can make you short tempered in a way and quick to act. I am deffo testament to that. I don't have any time for wasters or users. This can lead me to being to honest about things :P sometimes you can say something to rash but it's all good like

Thanks Satori.

I think there are a lot of people like myself who have put up with too much and balance is probably what we need - don't take too much and don't over-react as a result of having put up with too much.

I didn't think things through in my comment, you are correct.

Just hope the OP can stand up for herself but I think if she does become more assertive that there will be resistance from her sister and others who are used to her being a certain way. It has to be done though it won't go completely smoothly. But that's life. Life isn't always smooth.

groovyg · 10-05-2015 9:26pm

I can't believe the sister wants you to go check out bands, and do all the organising.
Anybody I know who has got married the bride and groom have organized and done invitations, hotel church/registry office themselves. Bride and bridesmaids generally deal with dresses, hair and makeup, flowers, band etc There is no way in hell I would choose a band for somebody elses wedding. That's a personal choice and should be left to the bride and groom.

CaraMay · 11-05-2015 12:11am

Your duster is unhinged. Avoid like the plague

rainbowtrout · 11-05-2015 12:19am

didntgotoplan wrote: »

I tried to call her but couldn't get through so I sent her a text telling her that I don't want to be involved other than a regular guest, as the bridal party should help her. She didn't reply back but did text all my immediate family asking them to talk to me to change my mind.

As for all the suggestions to sabotage her relationship, I wouldn't stoop so low and I'm disgusted it was even said even if it's a joke. She is still my sister, can't change that but I wouldn't wish anything bad on her or her family and I don't want to do anything to hurt my niece and nephew.

I think it's a fairly damning indictment of your sister's behaviour that she can't even be mature enough to contact you herself, she is trying to get the rest of the family to do it for her, and at the same time dragging them into the drama. She knows exactly what she's at, she knows she's being a bitch, but she's always gotten away with it by the sounds of it. Stick to your guns and let her organise her own wedding.

Living Off The Splash · 11-05-2015 9:44am

At least texting your sister was a start although I don't understand why you couldn't get through on the phone to her. Maybe try later? You sound as if you are afraid of her and want to avoid talking to her. The fact that she didn't return your text/call and is now contacting other members of the family means that she is having difficulties talking to you as well. Definitely something deeper here.

How do you know that she has been contacting other members of the family? Are you talking to everyone else behind your sister's back or are they enjoying the saga and contacting you with updates? Can you get through to them on the phone?

The fact that you have made a decision and texted your sister should be enough. The best thing you can do now is stay quiet and don't fan the flames. Let her contact you. Stick to your story and keep it simple and there is no harm in being unavailable at times.
There are all sorts of strange deluded people out there. When you think you have seen them all, another variation crops up. This wedding event will take months to organise. Why agonise over this for the next few months. You have made your decision now get on with your own life.
Don't feed the other members of your family who are enjoying the saga from the sidelines either.

LynnGrace · 11-05-2015 9:58am

I agree OP. Step back now. She has enough people to help her, if help is required. Don't get drawn into discussions of the whys and wherefores with anyone.
All the best.

Milly33 · 11-05-2015 10:15am

haha some comment shaymus27 but revenge like that can do as much harm to the person doing it, as it is out of character for them.

OP play her at her own game and you simply ignore her too... You have told her no, just sit back and wait for her to accept it. Your parents seem to know what she is like so if they start with you just say no sorry your standing up to her and move on...

She really is taking the living piss out of the situation...

autumnrain · 11-05-2015 10:25am

Fair play to you OP. That text took guts. Now don't worry about the feedback - it's just drama and habits.
You're changing the usual habit by contacting her and saying no. And she's doing her usual -It's entirely to be expected. Your family getting dragged in is probably usual too.
Just remember that you are different today, so you don't need to do the usual thing by justifying your decisions. That's old you. Decide that, just for today, you're not engaging. Repeat tomoro. :-). It'll settle down.

Neyite · 11-05-2015 12:27pm

The best revenge is to go and have a stress free day as a guest at her wedding.

But you should totally dye your hair a mad colour the day before for the family photos.

I think that you would be her scapegoat for every minor detail that goes wrong on the day if you agreed. Its quite clever really to rope you in because I'd say she wouldn't DARE to put all that work on her 'real' MOH. And like you say, anything you do get right will go unacknowledged.

Tell your mother that you are genuinely not bothered, therefore neither should she or the rest of the family be offended on your behalf. Keep politely declining via text or email as she cant force you to do this stuff for her. If you dont bother to book the dress appointments or cake appointments, she'll be forced to herself as the deadline for those things approaches. She's not going to sabotage her own wedding. Not her.

myshirt · 11-05-2015 12:49pm

didntgotoplan wrote: »

I tried to call her but couldn't get through so I sent her a text telling her that I don't want to be involved other than a regular guest, as the bridal party should help her. She didn't reply back but did text all my immediate family asking them to talk to me to change my mind.

As for all the suggestions to sabotage her relationship, I wouldn't stoop so low and I'm disgusted it was even said even if it's a joke. She is still my sister, can't change that but I wouldn't wish anything bad on her or her family and I don't want to do anything to hurt my niece and nephew.

And to be fair, he possibly wouldn't have you, given your sister has been the favoured one when ye both pursued the same men.

It was a bad suggestion and seriously could have backfired.

Milly33 · 11-05-2015 1:44pm

just to get on the lighter side.. That would be funny with the hair dye.

Flippyfloppy · 11-05-2015 1:48pm

Milly33 wrote: »

just to get on the lighter side.. That would be funny with the hair dye.

The hair dye idea would probably prove the brides point, as in it was a good thing she didn't choose didntgotoplan as a bridesmaid because look at what she's done with her hair!

If I were OP I would do nothing to help sis, turn up looking my very very highly polished best (or would try to!!!) and have a great day with all the guests. Behaving gracefully the whole time.

Not sabotaging anything, or any families along the way!

Just to add for my own wedding I did everything myself. My bridesmaids just organized the hen. I chose the band,car, venue & made the booklets,invitations & favors with my then fiancé! Never heard of a bridesmaid doing all the leg work. Ever.

Calhoun · 11-05-2015 3:38pm

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

Just to add for my own wedding I did everything myself. My bridesmaids just organized the hen. I chose the band,car, venue & made the booklets,invitations & favors with my then fiancé! Never heard of a bridesmaid doing all the leg work. Ever.

To be blunt with the OP and anyone else that has any notions in their head, this is the right approach to wedding planning.

Folk forget that they are the ones throwing the celebrations and asking family members to attend. Weddings are expensive to go to and the idea is you are organizing the day so that your guests have an enjoyable time.

You may get help from people for sure but its not something that should be taken for granted or demanded. I can only imagine what the rest of the wedding is going to be like if this has been the response so far.

theenergy · 11-05-2015 3:51pm

put the hand out offer her a hand

forget the label of MOH who gives a rats .....

in years to come she will open her eyes (obviously closed now) and know who helped her

Karma is a real thing...

stubborness and resentment wont get ya far... i think,.

Geniass · 11-05-2015 3:55pm

theenergy wrote: »

put the hand out offer her a hand

This sister would take her hand... then her arm... and blame the OP for not giving more. :pac:

Tar.Aldarion · 11-05-2015 4:04pm

didntgotoplan wrote: »

I tried to call her but couldn't get through so I sent her a text telling her that I don't want to be involved other than a regular guest, as the bridal party should help her. She didn't reply back but did text all my immediate family asking them to talk to me to change my mind.

As for all the suggestions to sabotage her relationship, I wouldn't stoop so low and I'm disgusted it was even said even if it's a joke. She is still my sister, can't change that but I wouldn't wish anything bad on her or her family and I don't want to do anything to hurt my niece and nephew.

Ah heyor, I wouldn't even want to go to her wedding at this rate. Your sister is treating you like a nothing, why entertain her? You say things like it's only fair since you helped your other sister, but that kinda stuff does not matter. Your sister is being a bitch, why let her get away with it? Just stick to your guns with not helping, obviously don't do any of the stupid sabotage things people suggested as you know already.

To the affair person, jesus wept.

jackofalltrades · 11-05-2015 4:10pm

didntgotoplan wrote: »

I tried to call her but couldn't get through so I sent her a text telling her that I don't want to be involved other than a regular guest, as the bridal party should help her. She didn't reply back but did text all my immediate family asking them to talk to me to change my mind.

Good for you. Now make sure you hold the line.
Don't feel guilty or sorry for her and end up going back on what you said.

handlemaster · 11-05-2015 4:15pm

if op sister cant see how rude she was then the op shouldnt worry about what she thinks in saying no

TimeToShine · 11-05-2015 4:18pm

For overall post content to amusement/quality ratio this forum surely is the best by a country mile.

Living Off The Splash · 11-05-2015 5:17pm

Let's be devil's advocate. You helped another sister with her wedding and enjoyed doing it. You were most likely congratulated on all the good work you did?

Now the next in line sister comes along to get married. I would have thought that it would be natural to turn to you seeing as you did a good job for your other sister.

The not so nice sister that is getting married is the centre of attention. Quite rightly so, it's her big day. The impression that is given is that she is not a nice person but you offered to help out. How gushing were you when you were asked? How enthusiastic were you initially? You have already gone some of the way in turning up at the bridal clothes shop, plus you have done other bits and pieces. Now you are backing off.
The phones are hopping. Your sister is ringing everyone to find out what's wrong. Other family members are contacting you. Your sister is no longer the center of attention. You are!

LynnGrace · 11-05-2015 5:58pm

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

Just to add for my own wedding I did everything myself. My bridesmaids just organized the hen. I chose the band,car, venue & made the booklets,invitations & favors with my then fiancé! Never heard of a bridesmaid doing all the leg work. Ever.

Same as that.

I'd gladly lend a hand here or there to someone, and have done, but it would be little things, maybe collecting stuff for them, or suchlike. And it would be me offering, not an expectation by anyone that I should be doing it.

Stick to your guns, OP. Be calm and gracious, and attend as a guest.

Reputable Rog · 11-05-2015 6:18pm

Most entertaining thread on any forum. Any chance you'll sell the movie rights to this.

Toots · 11-05-2015 6:22pm

Living Off The Splash wrote: »

The not so nice sister that is getting married is the centre of attention. Quite rightly so, it's her big day. The impression that is given is that she is not a nice person but you offered to help out. How gushing were you when you were asked? How enthusiastic were you initially? You have already gone some of the way in turning up at the bridal clothes shop, plus you have done other bits and pieces. Now you are backing off.
The phones are hopping. Your sister is ringing everyone to find out what's wrong. Other family members are contacting you. Your sister is no longer the center of attention. You are!

Where does the OP say she went dress shopping with the sister, and did other bits and pieces?

marialouise · 11-05-2015 7:19pm

Living Off The Splash wrote: »

Let's be devil's advocate. You helped another sister with her wedding and enjoyed doing it. You were most likely congratulated on all the good work you did?

Now the next in line sister comes along to get married. I would have thought that it would be natural to turn to you seeing as you did a good job for your other sister.

The first sister had no bridal party because she couldn't afford to include everyone so just had none. Then everyone helped out and shared responsibilities.

The second sister is having every sibling on both sides except for OP involved in the wedding somehow. This could mean that they are getting suits/dresses paid for as well as other bits and maybe a gift, and of course a special thank you. She has asked the OP to help out even though she has bridesmaids. OP will have to go to lots of expense and effort to facilitate the bride's requests, and then the bride will just not buy any gift or pay for anything as OP has no official role in the wedding.

So, sister1 didn't involve anyone, sister2 has excluded OP but still wants to use her to get bits and pieces done, without paying for her dress or accommodation etc. All the bridesmaidy things without any of the 'rewards' that go with it... I hope you're starting to see the difference between sister1 and sister2!

Living Off The Splash · 11-05-2015 7:37pm

It would be nice to know how far advanced the planning of the wedding arrangements are. If the sister hasn't gone wedding dress shopping or arranged the flowers or band or looked at invitation stationery or chosen photographers or visited hotels etc then the OP is getting upset about nothing because nothing has happened yet. Has the OP had any discussions regarding the above with her sister? If not then she is getting upset about nothing. It's early days yet. She can simply say "Whoa....no thanks..I wouldn't be able for that". But I get the feeling that things have progressed much further and the Op is trying to exit now.
The only question that she needs to ask is why she wasn't chosen as one of the bridal party and to explain to her sister face to face and not by text why she just wants to be invited as a guest.
Then the OP can relax. Otherwise the gossip will continue and she will look like someone looking for attention. As I said before, end it now, then stay quiet, but offer support without offering advice or making any suggestions.

Sligo1 · 11-05-2015 8:28pm

SISTERGATE!!!!

solerina · 11-05-2015 8:37pm

My bridesmaids only job was to wear the dress (which they picked out) and enjoy their day...I did everything else myself...as do most brides...Good on you OP for saying you didn't want to help, she sounds like a total nightmare and you are better off staying out of this wedding organisation !!

mg1982 · 11-05-2015 8:53pm

Sligo1 wrote: »

SISTERGATE!!!!

Bridezilla vs warriorsis.

Should I help my sister despite not being in the bridal party?

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