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Should I help my sister despite not being in the bridal party?

didntgotoplan

My sister is getting married next year and there is 8 siblings between both families, including myself.

My sister recently announced during a family dinner that every sibling, except me, will be in the bridal party. Except my sister wants me to plan all the stuff a MOH does so I can "be involved in the wedding" because her MOH (the future sister in law) is living abroad.

My mom is very upset over me not being in the bridal party but I don't really care about not being part of it - I'm awkward and like to blend in with the crowd. However I want to refuse to help her because I don't want to do all of that hassle for nothing (i.e. she is treating all her bridal party to everything being paid for them)

My sister used to be a really good friend and we used to do everything together but since she began having children, I get the feeling that she feels ashamed of me being her sister. We stopped hanging out and talking every day but she always comes around to mine when its one of their family's birthdays or another holiday with gifts. I always get the feeling she uses me and whenever I refuse to babysit her children or something like that, I'm ignored for months on end until someone else in our family annoys her and she needs my help. She even blocked me from seeing my niece and nephew when she ignores me. At this moment, I'm being ignored by her except during family gatherings.

Am I right to refuse her or should I just help her this once since it's her day?

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Living Off The Splash

What happens if something goes wrong at the wedding....will you be the scapegoat? What happens after the wedding...will you be dropped again until you are needed again?
What has this sister done for you in the past......can you let us know?

I would suggest to your sister that you are being given an enormous responsibility and do not feel up to the workload or the challenge but would be glad to offer assistance. I certainly would not make suggestions/decisions but rather let your sister make the decisions.

I think that showing an email from your employer to your sister suggests that you are afraid of her and you felt the need to almost beg her forgiveness for not being allowed take a week off work. You do not have to justify yourself.

Have you asked her "straight out" to her face as to why she did not choose you to be part of the bridal party. One sentence to her face "Why did you not choose me to be part of your bridal party? Ask her....

fyfe79

didntgotoplan wrote: »

She asked me on Friday to book a week off work before the wedding to help her with last minute arrangements - work told me they won't let me take a week off for a wedding that isn't' my own and one where I'm not part of the bridal party. :rolleyes: Forwarded her the email I got advising this.

Then I got a text from her again asking me if I could go to hear 3/4 of bands this weekend for her wedding since I can't help her with last minute arrangements. Most of these bands seem to be playing at places that charge to get in so I told her I would if she pays my way in as I wasn't planning on going out this weekend and am broke. Didn't get a reply back from her.

As for doing stuff for my parents, they told me to tell her to politely f*ck off. Course they wouldn't say that to her face in case she doesn't invite them.

Wow. You really need to stand up for yourself. I agree with the vast amount of posters saying to decline to help because you're not part of the bridal party. The fact that you were willing to take a week off work just to help indicates that you will more than likely give in to her demands despite all the good advice here.

Do not agree to help and sabotage it, as that will only make you look bad. No, just decline to help (without being over polite but also without being argumentative - just give it to her straight).

The fact that her parents are on your side is a massive thing. It seems you're worried about not being there on the big day - so what if you're not invited to this incredibly selfish persons wedding? Who cares, shrug your shoulders, move on and do something that will make you feel like a worthwhile person that day instead of feeling like a second class citizen.

FAR too much is made of relationships with siblings. I get on well with my two sisters but have a next to non-existent relationship with my brother. My family don't mind, I don't mind and my brother doesn't mind. The world still turns.

Really OP, for your own sake, put this issue to bed sooner rather than later. Tell her you won't be helping with the wedding as you're not part of the bridal party. It's their job. If you do help, you will get no thanks, nothing will change in your relationship with your sister, and you will feel a little worse about yourself.

Someone made a good point earlier that the notion "killing them with kindness" is nonsensical - bullies/selfish people simply do not acknowledge this. Value yourself and say no, and who knows, you standing up for yourself may actually help improve your relationship with her in the long run (if that's of interest to you), as she may see you in a new light, as someone who isn't a walkover. Because at this moment in time, that's pretty much what she thinks of you.

hitbit

Hi Girl,
You're sister is using you big time.
You're just a commodity to her and only as good as the last thing you did for her.
She lumbers you with babysitting duties then does not talk to you when you are not available. no thanks for the previous freebies.
Now she wants you to do all the footwork arranging her wedding while she and her "pals" are free to enjoy the rewards of your hard work.
I'd bet mt life that you will be blamed for anything and everything that goes wrong with this wedding.
Time to wake up and smell the roses girl.
Tell your sister to have one of her "pals" attend to her wedding arrangements.
And while your at it tell her to ask one of them to take on babysitting duties.
It seems your sister is a bully who has no respect for you or your feelings and sees you as a slave to be USED to her benefit and hers alone.
Hope this does not upset you too much but you wanted an honest opinion and mine is that your sister is an asshole who will never change.
If she won' offer you respect then you DEMAND it by showing her you have more to do with your life than than run around after her.
To use Agnes Browns little gem. Tell her " thats nice ".
You'll feel the better of doing this and don't worry about her having a little tantrum and not talking to you as she will eventually when she needs to use you again. When that time comes tell her " thats Nice".
ps in case you don@t watch Mrs Brown "thats nice" is her mannerly way of telling someone to **** off.

hitbit

rainbowtrout

didntgotoplan wrote: »

She asked me on Friday to book a week off work before the wedding to help her with last minute arrangements - work told me they won't let me take a week off for a wedding that isn't' my own and one where I'm not part of the bridal party. :rolleyes: Forwarded her the email I got advising this.

Then I got a text from her again asking me if I could go to hear 3/4 of bands this weekend for her wedding since I can't help her with last minute arrangements. Most of these bands seem to be playing at places that charge to get in so I told her I would if she pays my way in as I wasn't planning on going out this weekend and am broke. Didn't get a reply back from her.

As for doing stuff for my parents, they told me to tell her to politely f*ck off. Course they wouldn't say that to her face in case she doesn't invite them.

Why would you even ask for the week off for her wedding? That's madness. I don't know anyone who has taken a week off leading up to their wedding when they are they bride or groom. Assuming you have 20 days holidays a year like a lot of people, why would you even contemplate taking 5 of them to be your sister's skivvy? She probably won't take the days off if she thinks you'll take them instead and do her donkey work for her.

As for your parents, realistically she won't not invite them because then she would have to explain to people why they weren't there and that just highlights her bad behaviour not anything about them.

didntgotoplan

Her wedding is during one of our no holiday periods in work. I knew before I asked that I wouldn't get a week approved for a wedding that isn't my own and one that I'm not part of the bridal party. However I didn't want her to throw it back in my face to say I didn't try.

shaymus27 - I don't think counselling will work as she feels we have a good relationship because she calls the shots. I also don't think she will go either. My parents were having difficulties in the past and we were asked to go to counselling and she refused to "waste her time" at it.
Yeah she has stolen boyfriends from me and my other sister before but thinking back, they weren't great boyfriends anyway... Nothing really bad happened, after she had her children she because less outgoing but that's expected.

Toots - I've never been a MOH so not sure what she does but our family do expect them to plan stuff based on what I've heard at family weddings. Her husband to be is working 60 +hours a week to pay for it as my sister wants a huge wedding.

Living Off The Splash - if something goes wrong, she will tell people I arranged it and if it goes right, she will thank them. It happened when I helped her plan her 21st so I know how she is like.

Reggie.

Hi op.

I'd be wary of helping your sister as if she has a history towards you like your describing I reckon by asking you to organise everything she could be lining you up to take all the blame/flak if something doesn't happen right on the hen or wedding itself.

You could turn into a punchbag.

Defiler Of The Coffin

Why are you still entertaining her? You sound almost afraid to say no to her. Just tell her that you won't have anything to do with the wedding planning as you aren't part of the bridal party and leave it at that. No more drama.

AoifeCork

Right, enough of th pussyfooting!!

Op you seem like a sweet, together decent girl who is being bullied by an older sibling. Nothing ,more, nothing less.
First course of action is to get support here. Do your other sisters Understand what's going on, how upset you are and what the bride is asking you to do? Going viewing bands... Are you for real? That's a fracking wedding planners job!!!

Once you have support, you need a nice long overdue chat with your sister explaining how her behaviour is unacceptable, her blatant disregard for your feelings is unreal and that you WILL not be a door mat for her for this wedding. You do not have either the time or the desire to be so centrally involved in something that you clearly were an after thought in the initially planning process of. You have your pride and your good manners and others agree with you so you are politely going to bow out and do her the courtesy of not publicly tearing her a new one, even though you would be more than entitled to do so. Not your style though!

Get over yourself bride to be! Selfishness of the highest order!!

tinkerbell

Killing the bride with kindness is a ridiculous suggestion. That's what the bride wants - a slave to do all the work for her. Killing with kindness is another phrase for "be a doormat".

OP, your sister is a self-absorbed twat. The fact that your parents told you to tell her to fck off speaks VOLUMES. Normally I'd have thought parents would be a bit more diplomatic in their approach but if they are even saying it, she must be pretty bad.

Next time she asks you to do anything, just say no - a flat no, nothing else. Text from bridezilla "come to view bands", your reply "no". Text regarding arranging flowers, your response "no", etc. Don't go into reasons why, just say no - it can be used as a full sentence after all

And if you're not invited to the wedding, well so what! It doesn't sound like it'll be much fun anyway.

Suzyq

OP,

If I were you I would involve myself in the arrangements that I thought I would enjoy and decline the rest.

Suit yourself and see what happens

Toots

didntgotoplan wrote: »

Toots - I've never been a MOH so not sure what she does but our family do expect them to plan stuff based on what I've heard at family weddings. Her husband to be is working 60 +hours a week to pay for it as my sister wants a huge wedding.

I've been a bridesmaid a couple of times, and been modding this forum for a few years. From what I've seen, there are varying amounts of involvement that brides expect from their bridesmaids, but I've never heard of a MOH being expected to organise cars/flowers/bands etc.

shaymus27

Hi OP,

I wouldn't normally advise doing anything negative on anyone. Your sister seems so horrible I will make an exception in this instance.

If she stole boyfriends from you in the past (doesn't surprise me as she sounds like she always wants to put you down and is a complete narcissist) why don't you get her fiancé interested in you and begin an affair (just kissing, not much else) and have your sister find out?

You would feel better and for once get the upper hand. It would empower you. At the moment you are down-trodden by her and for once you could be "on - top" in your relationship with your sister. See how she feels like it to be treated badly. Sounds like she treats everyone badly and only ever thinks of herself.

mg1982

OP i think your sister has seen you as a walkover for most of her life. Maybe its time to prove her wrong.

Vojera

My wife and I had four bridesmaids and the amount of responsibility we asked of them was this: please try on your dresses and shoes and let us know if they fit and you like them; and please help us tie up our dresses for dancing, it's really hard to do alone!

All the things you're describing are for the bride and groom to sort themselves, not anyone else. And even if that wasn't the case, I'd echo the sentiments of other posters, that she's looking for someone to take the fall if things don't work out.

The fact that even your parents are afraid of not being invited if they rock the boat speaks volumes about the type of person your sister is: she's spoilt, selfish and willing to throw her toys out of the pram at a moment's notice if it seems like she won't get her own way. OP, even if you did everything she asked and more, I guarantee you it wouldn't be good enough. She would find some way to put you down.

Knowing all those things, why on earth would you want to help her? She's not going to suddenly make you a bridesmaid if you do a good job. And I know you're hurt at being left out, but it sounds like she's one of those people who thinks her 'special day' gives her a licence to act like a complete asshole, so you may have actually dodged a bullet.

Geniass

shaymus27 wrote: »

Hi OP,

I wouldn't normally advise doing anything negative on anyone. Your sister seems so horrible I will make an exception in this instance.

If she stole boyfriends from you in the past (doesn't surprise me as she sounds like she always wants to put you down and is a complete narcissist) why don't you get her fiancé interested in you and begin an affair (just kissing, not much else) and have your sister find out?

You would feel better and for once get the upper hand. It would empower you. At the moment you are down-trodden by her and for once you could be "on - top" in your relationship with your sister. See how she feels like it to be treated badly. Sounds like she treats everyone badly and only ever thinks of herself.

And he rebuffs her (probable) and he tells her sister and she tells their parents and the OP looks like a (insert pejorative of choice).

Tempting, but not a runner.

tinkerbell

shaymus27 wrote: »

If she stole boyfriends from you in the past (doesn't surprise me as she sounds like she always wants to put you down and is a complete narcissist) why don't you get her fiancé interested in you and begin an affair (just kissing, not much else) and have your sister find out?

You would feel better and for once get the upper hand. It would empower you. At the moment you are down-trodden by her and for once you could be "on - top" in your relationship with your sister. See how she feels like it to be treated badly. Sounds like she treats everyone badly and only ever thinks of herself.

WTF kind of a suggestion is that?! On what planet is that even considered an option? Bloody hell.

shaymus27

Geniass wrote: »

And he rebuffs her (probable) and he tells her sister and she tells their parents and the OP looks like a (insert pejorative of choice).

Tempting, but not a runner.

He is probably as conceited as the OP's sister and has an ego to match.

He might well go for it if he has such an ego.

All she has to do is deny it, and if he did say anything it would cause a commotion and upset her sister anyway. Mission accomplished.

Satori Rae

shaymus27 wrote: »

He is probably as conceited as the OP's sister and has an ego to match.

He might well go for it if he has such an ego.

All she has to do is deny it, and if he did say anything it would cause a commotion and upset her sister anyway. Mission accomplished.

Sorry but that is gross to lower yourself to do that, I know revenge can seem tempting but the higher ground is the way to go for sure. You don't want to get into a clinch with someone you have no interest in and also what happens if this blows up and op gets labeled a home wrecker and a tart.

Op is better of being breezy and not putting herself out of her way to do anything for this wedding at all.
I have the same type of sibling situation and for me life is way better with out them as I don't have drama or stress or get used to do things and roared at when I cant.

7 years and counting since I told them to jog on and I am loving it. Granted Op may not want to cut them out but that is a bit much tbh.

shaymus27

Satori Rae wrote: »

Sorry but that is gross to lower yourself to do that, I know revenge can seem tempting but the higher ground is the way to go for sure. You don't want to get into a clinch with someone you have no interest in and also what happens if this blows up and op gets labeled a home wrecker and a tart.

Op is better of being breezy and not putting herself out of her way to do anything for this wedding at all.
I have the same type of sibling situation and for me life is way better with out them as I don't have drama or stress or get used to do things and roared at when I cant.

7 years and counting since I told them to jog on and I am loving it. Granted Op may not want to cut them out but that is a bit much tbh.

Well done for cutting someone toxic out of your life. These toxic people only make us feel bad about ourselves and you are basically wasting your time if you think they will ever change. Only way is to cut them out and don't listen to others who tell you you are wrong to do that. Thanks for comment.

shaymus27

tinkerbell wrote: »

WTF kind of a suggestion is that?! On what planet is that even considered an option? Bloody hell.

If someone is continually down-trodden it will destroy their self-esteem. At some point the OP has to lash out to get rid of the frustration of how she has been treated by her sister or it will eat her up and she will be frustrated and then depressed.

If you keep suppressing anger you get depressed.

Satori Rae

shaymus27 wrote: »

Well done for cutting someone toxic out of your life. These toxic people only make us feel bad about ourselves and you are basically wasting your time if you think they will ever change. Only way is to cut them out and don't listen to others who tell you you are wrong to do that. Thanks for comment.

Thank you. Like I see your point and one or 2 other posters about sabotage, like ops sister does not simply sound nice at all it is tempting if someone is that nasty to you. But I am sure if your family know what they are like so will everyone else. So there really is no need to make yourself look as bad as her.

I wonder why the MOH won't be around, maybe she can't be or maybe she is rolling her eyes and staying away until she can't avoid it any longer?.

shaymus27

Satori Rae wrote: »

Thank you. Like I see your point and one or 2 other posters about sabotage, like ops sister does not simply sound nice at all it is tempting if someone is that nasty to you. But I am sure if your family know what they are like so will everyone else. So there really is no need to make yourself look as bad as her.

I wonder why the MOH won't be around, maybe she can't be or maybe she is rolling her eyes and staying away until she can't avoid it any longer?.

Thanks Satori,

A lot of people over-do the "well she/he is family" line.

You wouldn't put up with so much nonsense from someone who isn't family so why endure it just because they are family?

Maybe those who the OP's sister have chosen are afraid of doing something wrong but didn't want to say no to her when asked to be involved in the wedding.

DeltaWhite

Hey op my advice is to not get involved whatsoever.

I was MOH for my sister in law and now our relationship is damaged beyond repair. She turned into a complete bridezilla, had me doing everything for her even though she didn't work she had all the hours in the day to do all that stuff herself. I was full time working and it got so bad she started ringing my job looking for me as I wouldn't answer calls to her (not allowed personal calls in work and I was busy) so she rang my job daily, I was getting in trouble in work for it as well. My boss even told her to stop ringing in!

She has 7 aunties who sat on their fat asses and did nothing to help, In fact made more work for me. I literally couldn't wait for the wedding to be over and now we barely speak because I just cannot believe how much of a b!tch she was to me. Never again.

So my advice is to politely tell her you won't be getting involved, it's her wedding, so let her do the work. It's even more cheeky that you're not in the bridal party but expected to do all this for her.

Cheeky woman! Although it doesn't surprise me. Weddings can bring out the absolute physco in some women. So much that I swore after that wedding I would not have a big deal wedding for myself. Registry office and a party. That's how much hell my sis in law put me through! Don't do it!

MadDog76

didntgotoplan wrote: »

My sister is getting married next year and there is 8 siblings between both families, including myself.

My sister recently announced during a family dinner that every sibling, except me, will be in the bridal party. Except my sister wants me to plan all the stuff a MOH does so I can "be involved in the wedding" because her MOH (the future sister in law) is living abroad.

My mom is very upset over me not being in the bridal party but I don't really care about not being part of it - I'm awkward and like to blend in with the crowd. However I want to refuse to help her because I don't want to do all of that hassle for nothing (i.e. she is treating all her bridal party to everything being paid for them)

My sister used to be a really good friend and we used to do everything together but since she began having children, I get the feeling that she feels ashamed of me being her sister. We stopped hanging out and talking every day but she always comes around to mine when its one of their family's birthdays or another holiday with gifts. I always get the feeling she uses me and whenever I refuse to babysit her children or something like that, I'm ignored for months on end until someone else in our family annoys her and she needs my help. She even blocked me from seeing my niece and nephew when she ignores me. At this moment, I'm being ignored by her except during family gatherings.

Am I right to refuse her or should I just help her this once since it's her day?

Satori Rae wrote: »

Thank you. Like I see your point and one or 2 other posters about sabotage, like ops sister does not simply sound nice at all it is tempting if someone is that nasty to you. But I am sure if your family know what they are like so will everyone else. So there really is no need to make yourself look as bad as her.

I wonder why the MOH won't be around, maybe she can't be or maybe she is rolling her eyes and staying away until she can't avoid it any longer?.

She's living abroad ..........

Satori Rae

MadDog76 wrote: »

She's living abroad ..........

I know but usually MH at least organizes the hen and go on a few appointments with the bride (to help with advice as a mate would) if she was expecting her sister to do it, I wondered of she asked the MH for help?

After all she expected her sister to take of work, I wonder if the MH could get time off if she works, or if she simply chose to get out of it. One just wonders is all.

MadDog76

Satori Rae wrote: »

I know but usually MH at least organizes the hen and go on a few appointments with the bride (to help with advice as a mate would) if she was expecting her sister to do it, I wondered of she asked the MH for help?

After all she expected her sister to take of work, I wonder if the MH could get time off if she works, or if she simply chose to get out of it. One just wonders is all.

Depends ........ what if she's living in Australia?

didntgotoplan

I tried to call her but couldn't get through so I sent her a text telling her that I don't want to be involved other than a regular guest, as the bridal party should help her. She didn't reply back but did text all my immediate family asking them to talk to me to change my mind.

As for all the suggestions to sabotage her relationship, I wouldn't stoop so low and I'm disgusted it was even said even if it's a joke. She is still my sister, can't change that but I wouldn't wish anything bad on her or her family and I don't want to do anything to hurt my niece and nephew.

Satori Rae

didntgotoplan wrote: »

I tried to call her but couldn't get through so I sent her a text telling her that I don't want to be involved other than a regular guest, as the bridal party should help her. She didn't reply back but did text all my immediate family asking them to talk to me to change my mind.

As for all the suggestions to sabotage her relationship, I wouldn't stoop so low and I'm disgusted it was even said even if it's a joke. She is still my sister, can't change that but I wouldn't wish anything bad on her or her family and I don't want to do anything to hurt my niece and nephew.

You are dead right to do what you did. Best course of action. I think you under estimate your value as a person (something most of us do if we are honest) and she needs to at least appreciate you and things you do for her even if your not joined at the hip.

Don't back down from your stance and stay your course your time is to valuable to run around after people kin or not who are not grateful

wupucus

take the money you would be spending on the wedding, dress, present , whatever and book yourself a nice holiday, which unfortunately happens to commence on the day of the wedding, what a shame......... go enjoy yourself girl................

tinkerbell

shaymus27 wrote: »

If someone is continually down-trodden it will destroy their self-esteem. At some point the OP has to lash out to get rid of the frustration of how she has been treated by her sister or it will eat her up and she will be frustrated and then depressed.

If you keep suppressing anger you get depressed.

Again WTF? Your first suggestion that OP have an affair to sort this mess was pure lunacy. Your second suggestion that unless she has said affair otherwise she'll get depression is so off the wall I am speechless.