Help me pls

Helppls18 · 13-12-2018 9:57pm #1

I often read but really need advice.

Met husband 2004, married 2011, 3 kids one on the way in 2019. Husband has always had an issue with my love life before I met him. A lot of jealousy issues that has now all these years come to a head. We met when my husband lived in UK and had a long term gf, he was home one eekend and I was just out of a long term relationship, we kissed, he was home again a few weeks later and kissed again, spent a day a d night together, but did not sleep together. He went back to Uk we texted but presumed he was staying with gf, he never mentioned anything either way.
I then slept with someone else after a night out, a local lad I knew years.
My husband then moved to Dublin to start relationship with me, I was thrilled things moved v quick we were living together after 6 months moved abroad. However he found out about the other guy and it at times caused issues. He wanted my full history told him about another one night stand way b4 him, ex bfs and and kisses I had, he never let it go.
We did go through a very bad phase in 2007 he cheated on me where we lived texted other girls and was generally out of control. I moved out after a week he tracked me down swore he would change lavished me with presents, I gave it another go, we bought our house together got engaged in 2010 and married the next year.
The last few days he has barely spoken to me, we only communicate about kids. He slagged me off last night in front of kids called me a town bike a prostitute, I lost it told him I hate him want him to go. I can't stop shaking and crying, and during day I struggle to act normal for work and kids. My husband is going to a counsellor on Mon he has hinted he has had suicidal thoughts. He has been sleeping on couch and now he is setting up a bed in another room. I dont know what to do, so afraid I'm going to damage my baby, only 19 weeks. I'm not proud of my one night stands would change if I could but I cant... I don't know if we can come back dont know if I love him. I am afraid to be on my own. No one knows I am afraid to tell anyone as then it will seem real. Help.

amcalester · 13-12-2018 10:00pm

Your husband sounds like a dick.

Bogwoppit · 13-12-2018 10:02pm

I know there’s 2 sides but he sounds like an a.hole with mental issues.

Seve OB · 13-12-2018 10:03pm

amcalester wrote: »

Your husband sounds like a dick.

Yuup

KERSPLAT! · 13-12-2018 10:03pm

I hope DH doesn't stand for Dear Husband...

Helppls18 · 13-12-2018 10:09pm

It does unfortunately didn't know what else to shorten it too.

I think there is a mental health issue there.

I've been a good wife never looked at another man since we officially got together.

I am thinking his obsession with life before him is unnecessary, glad other people agree.

I should mention he knows the other guy and think that is the root of the problem.

I'll see how counselling plays out. It is so hard to finish forever esp for kids and baby on way. My family will not be happy, think they will be embarrassed by it as I've never let them down or brought shame like this to family before.

Thank you for taking time to reply to me.

SteM · 13-12-2018 10:10pm

So he was having a relationship with you while he was with the gf in the UK but has an issue with how you've acted in the past? He needs a good talking to.

amcalester · 13-12-2018 10:12pm

There’s no shame in leave a husband like yours.

Takes bravery.

(If that is ultimately what you decide to do)

punisher5112 · 13-12-2018 10:13pm

Oh God why did yee get together????

SteM · 13-12-2018 10:17pm

Helppls18 wrote: »

My family will not be happy, think they will be embarrassed by it as I've never let them down or brought shame like this to family before.

Please stop thinking like this, doing what's best for you and your kids should not bring shame on them.

Helppls18 · 13-12-2018 10:18pm

SteM thats exactly right. He is the one that done wrong not me.

I worn down emotionally from this.

The kids idolise there Dad I'm afraid I'll damage them by separating.

Helppls18 · 13-12-2018 10:19pm

punisher5112 wrote: »

Oh God why did yee get together????

When I left him for cheating I should never have gone back... hindsight...

strandroad · 13-12-2018 10:19pm

Helppls18 wrote: »

I worn down emotionally from this.

The kids idolise there Dad I'm afraid I'll damage them by separating.

They'll be damaged if they keep seeing his behaviour and normalise it.

Helppls18 · 13-12-2018 10:20pm

SteM wrote: »

Helppls18 wrote: »

My family will not be happy, think they will be embarrassed by it as I've never let them down or brought shame like this to family before.

Please do thinking like this, doing what's best for you and your kids should not bring shame on them.

Thank you. Its good to type and hear other views, it's giving me some strength. Thank you all.

Cypher_sounds · 13-12-2018 10:20pm

What did his old long term girlfriend think when she heard he was cheating on her with you?

Think you knew what you were getting into.

Helppls18 · 13-12-2018 10:23pm

Cypher_sounds wrote: »

What did his old long term girlfriend think when she heard he was cheating on her with you?

Think you knew what you were getting into.

I don't know I never knew her or had any contact. He said relationship was pretty much finished, but then again he would!

nikkibikki · 13-12-2018 10:25pm

There is absolutely nothing wrong with a one night stand between 2 consenting adults who are not in a relationship with anyone else.

He cheated on his UK gf with you. And he has a problem with you having a ONS with somebody when ye weren't even officially together? That is utterly unreasonable.

I think people here on boards throw the word abuse around very easily but those names he called you was definite verbal abuse. They're not even true and he said those in front of the kids?

It is good that he is getting counselling. Can you take some time off work? Give yourself a break from one of your stresses at least. Have a chat with your GP and they may deem that you need some stress leave.

Cypher_sounds · 13-12-2018 10:31pm

nikkibikki wrote: »

There is absolutely nothing wrong with a one night stand between 2 consenting adults who are not in a relationship with anyone else.

He cheated on his UK gf with you. And he has a problem with you having a ONS with somebody when ye weren't even officially together? That is utterly unreasonable.

I think people here on boards throw the word abuse around very easily but those names he called you was definite verbal abuse. They're not even true and he said those in front of the kids?

It is good that he is getting counselling. Can you take some time off work? Give yourself a break from one of your stresses at least. Have a chat with your GP and they may deem that you need some stress leave.

How do you know that work is stressing her out? For lots I know going to work is more calming than staying at home where the tensions are high.

Op tell him to get help for the behaviour that you have mentioned. Serve him with divorce paper. He’ll probably do the same act as previously promising a changed man. Then it’s time to make your decision.

SteM · 13-12-2018 10:32pm

OP, if you want to save your marriage then you'll have to attend couples counselling to try and move forward. He obviously has issues which his counselling might help with but as a couple you have years of shared experiences, both good and bad. You need to discuss your problems with each other in a safe environment.

Helppls18 · 13-12-2018 10:36pm

SteM wrote: »

OP, if you want to save your marriage then you'll have to attend couples counselling to try and move forward. He obviously has issues which his counselling might help with but as a couple you have years of shared experiences, both good and bad. You need to discuss your problems with each other in a safe environment.

I dont know if I am ready to throw it away as yet, I think couples counselling is worth trying. Yes 14 years, good times and bad.

I find work a good distraction to be honest. The evenings are the worst hes just sitting ignoring me once the kids go to bed. I will not fight shout or roar for them to hear and when he slagged me off in front of them last night it was shocking, they are all under 7.

Big Bag of Chips · 13-12-2018 11:54pm

I think you need to consider the possibility that he has cheated on you, more than the time you know about. One thing that comes up here regularly, and is often proven to be the case is that someone who consistently accuses their partner of cheating etc are quite often cheating themselves and are judging their partner by their own standards. You know he cheats. He cheated with you and he has cheated on you, once that you know of. He accuses you constantly, because cheating isn't a huge issue for him. He can do it quite easily. So he assumes the same is true for you.

Maybe counselling could help you both. But you may never know the full truth. And you need to decide if you can accept that and move forward. There's no shame in walking away if things cannot be resolved.

Helppls18 · 14-12-2018 12:01am

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I think you need to consider the possibility that he has cheated on you, more than the time you know about. One thing that comes up here regularly, and is often proven to be the case is that someone who consistently accuses their partner of cheating etc are quite often cheating themselves and are judging their partner by their own standards. You know he cheats. He cheated with you and he has cheated on you, once that you know of. He accuses you constantly, because cheating isn't a huge issue for him. He can do it quite easily. So he assumes the same is true for you.

Maybe counselling could help you both. But you may never know the full truth. And you need to decide if you can accept that and move forward. There's no shame in walking away if things cannot be resolved.

Thank you I never actually thought about it like that, it is definitely a possibility. My heart is telling me its over, my head to give counselling a try. I never thought our marriage would end with a baby on the way, it's the kids I feel for but if we are amicable it might be ok.

BBFAN · 14-12-2018 12:09am

There's something missing here OP. Where did last nights rant come from? He surely didn't start calling you names for no reason?

Helppls18 · 14-12-2018 12:21am

BBFAN wrote: »

There's something missing here OP. Where did last nights rant come from? He surely didn't start calling you names for no reason?

It has been an issue over the years, it comes up at least once a year but this has been the worst episode. He said he is desperately unhappy he can't get it out of his head, has no respect for me, he said I have never shown remorse for what I have done. Maybe he just doesn't love me or maybe there is a mental health issue, I don't know. When this issue arises he asks me questions about various partners or relationships and insists I'm lying about certain things. He interrogated me as to what an ex said to me in a car about 14 years ago, truth be told cant remember the night the pub we were in etc and he doesn't believe me. He is also insisting I was in a flat share of local guy / ONS but never set foot in it in my life if I was in it I would say as things cant get any worse, but I wasn't there. He asks questions in relation to the actual ONS was condoms used etc, he is obsessed. If it happened when we were officially together or if I done it when engaged/married fair enough, but I'm seriously freaked by the obsession. It started 13 days ago he ignores me every evening, we have had words after kids gone to bed, and last night was the worst when he slagged me in front of kids.

Helppls18 · 14-12-2018 12:23am

Bar not car..

retro:electro · 14-12-2018 12:27am

Remorse for what? Things you did and relationships you had before you even knew he existed? I wouldn’t be long telling him to go fcuk himself. I know it’s hard and you feel like you’ve invested so much at this stage but that’s no reason to stay if you are miserable in the here and now. Stand up for yourself and take the control back. How dare he. Interrogating you about shlt that happened 14 years ago? He’s not well

Helppls18 · 14-12-2018 12:29am

I am miserable and live holding my breath to see what sort of mood he is in, half live in fear of meeting an ex whilst out together and triggering something in him.

Funnily we come across as a very happy family, the saying about what goes on behind closed doors is so true...

Springfields · 14-12-2018 12:39am

You don't need to show remorse or even apologise for any of your past behaviour When ye weren't even.together at the time
There is no reason to feel guilty
You are not helping your children by staying with a man who treats you like dirt. They will not thank you for it in the end.
He sounds like he has major issues going on but is choosing to blame you instead of manning up and dealing with his own feelings.
As for your family you are not bringing shame on them by leaving
This is not your fault. Hopefully they will understand that.
Best of luck

BBFAN · 14-12-2018 12:40am

Helppls18 wrote: »

It has been an issue over the years, it comes up at least once a year but this has been the worst episode. He said he is desperately unhappy he can't get it out of his head, has no respect for me, he said I have never shown remorse for what I have done. Maybe he just doesn't love me or maybe there is a mental health issue, I don't know. When this issue arises he asks me questions about various partners or relationships and insists I'm lying about certain things. He interrogated me as to what an ex said to me in a car about 14 years ago, truth be told cant remember the night the pub we were in etc and he doesn't believe me. He is also insisting I was in a flat share of local guy / ONS but never set foot in it in my life if I was in it I would say as things cant get any worse, but I wasn't there. He asks questions in relation to the actual ONS was condoms used etc, he is obsessed. If it happened when we were officially together or if I done it when engaged/married fair enough, but I'm seriously freaked by the obsession. It started 13 days ago he ignores me every evening, we have had words after kids gone to bed, and last night was the worst when he slagged me in front of kids.

Ah that crap is just not normal. You need to get out of this situation.

Helppls18 · 14-12-2018 12:43am

Thanks to all, this has helped so much, it has confirmed everything I was afraid to voice, it's not normal, and deep down I know he won't change and I need to be strong and seperate.

Purple Mountain · 14-12-2018 1:59am

Please book an appointment for yourself with a counsellor or phone a Women's Aid helpline.
He's a bully.

The Princess Bride · 14-12-2018 2:38am

I think to speak to you like that in front of the children is deplorable.
Calling the mother of his children a prostitute?
No need whatsoever.
Please please seek help.

He's not going to change, I hope you realise this.
If he's had issues with your past relationships for this long, he's not going to be able to clear his mind of it overnight.

Mind yourself, you deserve better.

Locker10a · 14-12-2018 3:10am

Helppls18 wrote: »

It has been an issue over the years, it comes up at least once a year but this has been the worst episode. He said he is desperately unhappy he can't get it out of his head, has no respect for me, he said I have never shown remorse for what I have done. Maybe he just doesn't love me or maybe there is a mental health issue, I don't know. When this issue arises he asks me questions about various partners or relationships and insists I'm lying about certain things. He interrogated me as to what an ex said to me in a car about 14 years ago, truth be told cant remember the night the pub we were in etc and he doesn't believe me. He is also insisting I was in a flat share of local guy / ONS but never set foot in it in my life if I was in it I would say as things cant get any worse, but I wasn't there. He asks questions in relation to the actual ONS was condoms used etc, he is obsessed. If it happened when we were officially together or if I done it when engaged/married fair enough, but I'm seriously freaked by the obsession. It started 13 days ago he ignores me every evening, we have had words after kids gone to bed, and last night was the worst when he slagged me in front of kids.

To me this sounds 100% like deflection.
He’s trying to justify his own guilt and unhappiness by making out you’re the bad person, you’re the one who’s done something wrong. He’s fixated with anything he can think of to claim your the one that causes hurt. What triggered this recently we don’t know. You say it happens about once a year? We also know he’s a cheater(leopards don’t change spots) so it’s very possible there’s been a form of adultery recently, maybe it’s ongoing. He may not be sleeping with someone, it may be sexting or online, or flirting chatting with a certain someone. This is just my theory of course. It’s obviously causing him personal emotional stress due to guilt and he’s deflecting that.

Helppls18 · 14-12-2018 3:21am

The Princess Bride wrote: »

I think to speak to you like that in front of the children is deplorable.
Calling the mother of his children a prostitute?
No need whatsoever.
Please please seek help.

He's not going to change, I hope you realise this.
If he's had issues with your past relationships for this long, he's not going to be able to clear his mind of it overnight.

Mind yourself, you deserve better.

Thank you

Helppls18 · 14-12-2018 3:23am

Locker10a wrote: »

Helppls18 wrote: »

It has been an issue over the years, it comes up at least once a year but this has been the worst episode. He said he is desperately unhappy he can't get it out of his head, has no respect for me, he said I have never shown remorse for what I have done. Maybe he just doesn't love me or maybe there is a mental health issue, I don't know. When this issue arises he asks me questions about various partners or relationships and insists I'm lying about certain things. He interrogated me as to what an ex said to me in a car about 14 years ago, truth be told cant remember the night the pub we were in etc and he doesn't believe me. He is also insisting I was in a flat share of local guy / ONS but never set foot in it in my life if I was in it I would say as things cant get any worse, but I wasn't there. He asks questions in relation to the actual ONS was condoms used etc, he is obsessed. If it happened when we were officially together or if I done it when engaged/married fair enough, but I'm seriously freaked by the obsession. It started 13 days ago he ignores me every evening, we have had words after kids gone to bed, and last night was the worst when he slagged me in front of kids.

To me this sounds 100% like deflection.
He’s trying to justify his own guilt and unhappiness by making out you’re the bad person, you’re the one who’s done something wrong. He’s fixated with anything he can think of to claim your the one that causes hurt. What triggered this recently we don’t know. You say it happens about once a year? We also know he’s a cheater(leopards don’t change spots) so it’s very possible there’s been a form of adultery recently, maybe it’s ongoing. He may not be sleeping with someone, it may be sexting or online, or flirting chatting with a certain someone. This is just my theory of course. It’s obviously causing him personal emotional stress due to guilt and he’s deflecting that.

Your the second person to say that, there could be something going on, I never check his phone or wouldn't have access to his emails etc.

Sunflower 27 · 14-12-2018 7:46am

How dare he feel entitled to criticise you about a sexual partner you had before him. Did HE not cheat on his girlfriend when he met you? Did HE not cheat again and cause your short separation years ago?

You are doing what he wants you to do and that is turn this inward and question yourself and your morals.

Town bike prostitute???? He called the mother of his children that. Jesus.

I know it is easy for all of us to say leave him, but I hope you come to realize that he does not deserve you and the problem is him - his serious insecurity issues.

I wonder if he has cheated more recently and knowing he can has made him question if you could as well and this has all dredged up the past.

I won't tell you what to do, it's your life. I will say that any man that called me what he has called you would no longer have my love or respect.

Confide in a friend in real life. You need support. Take care.

LegacyUser · 14-12-2018 8:06am

Something I've noticed on these threads is that people use words like "mental health problem", "anxiety", "depression" as if it excuses bad behaviour. OP, sometimes a person is just a grade A pr*ck!! Mental health issues or no, they are horrible human beings. Your husband sounds like one of those people. He cheated on his girlfriend with you, made it out like there's something wrong with you for having ONS, wanted a breakdown of who you've been with, called you a prostitute in front of your kids!!! Jesus! The crack he made in front of your kids would 100% be a deal breaker for me. He'll teach your children to disrespect you. Do you really want that?

His behaviour prior to your getting together and when you initially got together is the kind of red flag behaviour that should give anyone pause. Run far away from behaviour like that if you ever encounter it again. Assuming you do right by you and your kids and dump this "dear husband" of yours.

Mousewar · 14-12-2018 10:03am

You poor thing. That sounds like a very poor relationship and he has been extremely unfair and unkind to you.
I would always recommend a couple go to marriage counselling before walking away though. I don't think anything bad can come from counselling - it has been beneficial to everyone I know that has done it and, perhaps unlikely as it seems, it can maybe repair some of this damage. Best of luck.

PS, your past is YOUR past. I would refuse to discuss it at all anymore with him. It's none of his business.

Seve OB · 14-12-2018 10:07am

He is a fruit bat.

valoren · 14-12-2018 11:14am

KERSPLAT! wrote: »

I hope DH doesn't stand for Dear Husband...

Dick Head.

OP, you must be going through a whirlwind of emotions. His behavior has been obsessive, controlling, bullying and insane tbh. The fact he cheated on you was a serious red flag. To be obsessed with your history is one thing, for him to call you a whore is another. There is no going back on that no matter how manipulative his apologies might be. He wouldn't say that if he didn't believe it. Is there any one you can reach out to and talk about this? To get it off your chest? If I were you I would take stock, I'd ignore him while you seek advice from confidante's about setting a divorce. Don't fall for the whole "I'll kill myself" bit. He is being emotionally abusive towards you. Take care of yourself and your kids.

Porklife · 14-12-2018 11:56am

Reading your post pained me OP because I could have written it myself. My ex was an abusive psychopath as is your 'dear husband'. He used to grill me about my past, acuse me of having slept with all my male friends and ask for details. When I'd say I didn't he'd call me a lying whore. He used to go through my phone, write messages to people on Facebook pretending to be me, have his friends hit on me to test me. He eventually... I can't even type what he did it was that disgusting and evil. Oh and all the while he was banging Hookers. Leave. For the sake of your children, please leave. We all have inner strength we don't even know of OP, now is the time to be the heroine of your children's story and ****ing leave this monster. Xxxx

MissShihTzu · 14-12-2018 12:06pm

Sorry OP. HE is either cheating or has cheated on you. This behaviour as others have pointed out is not normal.

Get counselling, make a plan, and throw the idiot out. You need to think of yourself and the kids, especially the little one on the way. All this stress is not good for any of you.

I repeat. HE needs to leave. Do not put up with this rubbish any longer. You and your kids deserve better - whatever happened in the past, which is just that. The past.

nikkibikki · 14-12-2018 12:15pm

Cypher_sounds wrote:

How do you know that work is stressing her out? For lots I know going to work is more calming than staying at home where the tensions are high.

Because in her first post she said she is struggling to act normal for work and kids and is worried about harming her baby with stress. Acting normal for the kids, she had no option there. But work, she does have an option.

She said subsequently that she finds work a distraction which is good, but a poster can only advise on what's in front of them at the time.

LegacyUser · 14-12-2018 12:34pm

Hi OP,

I had the displeasure of being in a similar relationship myself over a decade ago now.

They way your husband is treating you is not right, he is obsessed with your past and it is obvious he feels inadequate sexually. That's a common theme for people like him. In addition, his behavior is controlling and demeaning. His words and actions are not from someone who truly loves you.

One question you need to ask yourself is do you feel safe? The personality you describe your husband as having is typically associated with hot tempers, fuming jealously etc.

I thankfully wasn't married to my ex and we had no children, I know the situation is more complex for you. For your children to hear him describe you as he has is very damaging and confusing. I would suggest you seek counselling yourself as it may help you see things for what they really are and will hopefully help give you the strength you need to deal with these issues, whatever that may be.

One thing is very clear, his treatment of you is deplorable, unjust and unfair. You do not need to take it.

ManOfMystery · 14-12-2018 1:09pm

Just a few thoughts about your husband.

1) Your personal life before you met him was (and importantly, still IS) none of his business. Even when you slept with the guy when your OH went back to the UK, the two of you were not in a committed relationship. When you marry someone you do not lay any claim to things they consider private, and certainly not things that occurred before you got together. He is being insecure and obsessive about this.

2) He had a gf who he cheated on with you. So he is also being hypocritical.

3) He called you a bike, yet he he has cheated on both you and his ex. He is deceitful and untrustworthy.

4) He tries to convince you that if you are a woman, and you have had sex with more than 1 man, there is something wrong with that. That his behaviour is allowed, but your 'behaviour' isn't. So not only is he hypocritical, he's a misogynist.

5) He has called you names in front of your children. He is disrespectful and verbally abusive.

So in short - your husband is insecure, obsessive, hypocritical, deceitful, untrustworthy, misogynistic, disrespectful and abusive.

It's highly likely that your husband's own record of cheating has made him acutely aware of how people can have the wool pulled over their eyes, and he's projecting this now onto you.

I'm summarising things yes, but doing so to try and give you some clarity as sometimes people are blinded by love and can't see the wood for the trees. His behaviour is not acceptable, and if it's pushing you to the point of being suicidal, you absolutely have to protect your own interests and the interests of your children. If that means getting away from him, then do it.

Faith · 14-12-2018 2:16pm

I would strongly advise against couples counselling, actually. I imagine he'd be only delighted to have more to attack you with, and he'd take anything you reveal or any vulnerability you show in counselling as ammo.

Big Bag of Chips · 14-12-2018 6:39pm

By the way, I personally know of someone who behaved pretty much as your husband is. Accusing his wife of exactly the same things. In front of their baby smiling at her telling her "when you're old enough I'm going to tell you exactly what a slut your mother is. The town bike" etc etc. She had had 1 sexual partner before him.

Turns out he had a liking for prostitutes.. For the entirety of their relationship/marriage. I'd be very wary of anyone so vocally accusing someone of something like this, without any real basis.

Scarinae · 14-12-2018 7:16pm

Helppls18 wrote: »

The kids idolise there Dad I'm afraid I'll damage them by separating.

Helppls18 wrote: »

He slagged me off last night in front of kids called me a town bike a prostitute

Honestly I'd be more worried about them being affected by you staying in the relationship, they'll think it's normal for someone to talk to their partner like that. Would you want your children to accept that behaviour from a future partner, or treat a future partner the way you're being treated?

Also, as many other people have pointed out, there is absolutely nothing for you to be ashamed about - your sexual history is none of his business, and his obsession with it is very odd.

You also won't bring 'shame' on your family - I bet if they knew how your husband is treating you they would be horrified, and would be behind you 100% if you choose to leave him.

Jurgen Klopp · 14-12-2018 7:29pm

Ah Jesus that's awful it's nuts like.

He's sone chancer having cheated on his ex with you, then cheated with others and it's a ONS you had before ever going out with him.

I'd say he's just a prick but getting so nitty gritty like what was said between you and man years ago in a car is just weird, that's the only thing that's making me wonder is there something a miss up stairs besides just being a prick

Helppls18 · 15-12-2018 12:09am

Thanks all, considering counselling on my own, not ready for couple yet, I need to sort my own head first.

bgr123 · 15-12-2018 1:39am

Feel so sorry for your situation.He's the problem and he definately needs some type of help.Important that you and the kids are in a safe enviornment.

Help me pls

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