Help me pls

Helppls18 · 13-12-2018 09:57PM #1

I often read but really need advice.

Met husband 2004, married 2011, 3 kids one on the way in 2019. Husband has always had an issue with my love life before I met him. A lot of jealousy issues that has now all these years come to a head. We met when my husband lived in UK and had a long term gf, he was home one eekend and I was just out of a long term relationship, we kissed, he was home again a few weeks later and kissed again, spent a day a d night together, but did not sleep together. He went back to Uk we texted but presumed he was staying with gf, he never mentioned anything either way.
I then slept with someone else after a night out, a local lad I knew years.
My husband then moved to Dublin to start relationship with me, I was thrilled things moved v quick we were living together after 6 months moved abroad. However he found out about the other guy and it at times caused issues. He wanted my full history told him about another one night stand way b4 him, ex bfs and and kisses I had, he never let it go.
We did go through a very bad phase in 2007 he cheated on me where we lived texted other girls and was generally out of control. I moved out after a week he tracked me down swore he would change lavished me with presents, I gave it another go, we bought our house together got engaged in 2010 and married the next year.
The last few days he has barely spoken to me, we only communicate about kids. He slagged me off last night in front of kids called me a town bike a prostitute, I lost it told him I hate him want him to go. I can't stop shaking and crying, and during day I struggle to act normal for work and kids. My husband is going to a counsellor on Mon he has hinted he has had suicidal thoughts. He has been sleeping on couch and now he is setting up a bed in another room. I dont know what to do, so afraid I'm going to damage my baby, only 19 weeks. I'm not proud of my one night stands would change if I could but I cant... I don't know if we can come back dont know if I love him. I am afraid to be on my own. No one knows I am afraid to tell anyone as then it will seem real. Help.

amcalester · 13-12-2018 10:00PM

Your husband sounds like a dick.

Bogwoppit · 13-12-2018 10:02PM

I know there’s 2 sides but he sounds like an a.hole with mental issues.

Seve OB · 13-12-2018 10:03PM

amcalester wrote: »

Your husband sounds like a dick.

Yuup

KERSPLAT! · 13-12-2018 10:03PM

I hope DH doesn't stand for Dear Husband...

Helppls18 · 13-12-2018 10:09PM

It does unfortunately didn't know what else to shorten it too.

I think there is a mental health issue there.

I've been a good wife never looked at another man since we officially got together.

I am thinking his obsession with life before him is unnecessary, glad other people agree.

I should mention he knows the other guy and think that is the root of the problem.

I'll see how counselling plays out. It is so hard to finish forever esp for kids and baby on way. My family will not be happy, think they will be embarrassed by it as I've never let them down or brought shame like this to family before.

Thank you for taking time to reply to me.

SteM · 13-12-2018 10:10PM

So he was having a relationship with you while he was with the gf in the UK but has an issue with how you've acted in the past? He needs a good talking to.

amcalester · 13-12-2018 10:12PM

There’s no shame in leave a husband like yours.

Takes bravery.

(If that is ultimately what you decide to do)

punisher5112 · 13-12-2018 10:13PM

Oh God why did yee get together????

SteM · 13-12-2018 10:17PM

Helppls18 wrote: »

My family will not be happy, think they will be embarrassed by it as I've never let them down or brought shame like this to family before.

Please stop thinking like this, doing what's best for you and your kids should not bring shame on them.

Helppls18 · 13-12-2018 10:18PM

SteM thats exactly right. He is the one that done wrong not me.

I worn down emotionally from this.

The kids idolise there Dad I'm afraid I'll damage them by separating.

Helppls18 · 13-12-2018 10:19PM

punisher5112 wrote: »

Oh God why did yee get together????

When I left him for cheating I should never have gone back... hindsight...

strandroad · 13-12-2018 10:19PM

Helppls18 wrote: »

I worn down emotionally from this.

The kids idolise there Dad I'm afraid I'll damage them by separating.

They'll be damaged if they keep seeing his behaviour and normalise it.

Helppls18 · 13-12-2018 10:20PM

SteM wrote: »

Helppls18 wrote: »

My family will not be happy, think they will be embarrassed by it as I've never let them down or brought shame like this to family before.

Please do thinking like this, doing what's best for you and your kids should not bring shame on them.

Thank you. Its good to type and hear other views, it's giving me some strength. Thank you all.

Cypher_sounds · 13-12-2018 10:20PM

What did his old long term girlfriend think when she heard he was cheating on her with you?

Think you knew what you were getting into.

Helppls18 · 13-12-2018 10:23PM

Cypher_sounds wrote: »

What did his old long term girlfriend think when she heard he was cheating on her with you?

Think you knew what you were getting into.

I don't know I never knew her or had any contact. He said relationship was pretty much finished, but then again he would!

nikkibikki · 13-12-2018 10:25PM

There is absolutely nothing wrong with a one night stand between 2 consenting adults who are not in a relationship with anyone else.

He cheated on his UK gf with you. And he has a problem with you having a ONS with somebody when ye weren't even officially together? That is utterly unreasonable.

I think people here on boards throw the word abuse around very easily but those names he called you was definite verbal abuse. They're not even true and he said those in front of the kids?

It is good that he is getting counselling. Can you take some time off work? Give yourself a break from one of your stresses at least. Have a chat with your GP and they may deem that you need some stress leave.

Cypher_sounds · 13-12-2018 10:31PM

nikkibikki wrote: »

There is absolutely nothing wrong with a one night stand between 2 consenting adults who are not in a relationship with anyone else.

He cheated on his UK gf with you. And he has a problem with you having a ONS with somebody when ye weren't even officially together? That is utterly unreasonable.

I think people here on boards throw the word abuse around very easily but those names he called you was definite verbal abuse. They're not even true and he said those in front of the kids?

It is good that he is getting counselling. Can you take some time off work? Give yourself a break from one of your stresses at least. Have a chat with your GP and they may deem that you need some stress leave.

How do you know that work is stressing her out? For lots I know going to work is more calming than staying at home where the tensions are high.

Op tell him to get help for the behaviour that you have mentioned. Serve him with divorce paper. He’ll probably do the same act as previously promising a changed man. Then it’s time to make your decision.

SteM · 13-12-2018 10:32PM

OP, if you want to save your marriage then you'll have to attend couples counselling to try and move forward. He obviously has issues which his counselling might help with but as a couple you have years of shared experiences, both good and bad. You need to discuss your problems with each other in a safe environment.

Helppls18 · 13-12-2018 10:36PM

SteM wrote: »

OP, if you want to save your marriage then you'll have to attend couples counselling to try and move forward. He obviously has issues which his counselling might help with but as a couple you have years of shared experiences, both good and bad. You need to discuss your problems with each other in a safe environment.

I dont know if I am ready to throw it away as yet, I think couples counselling is worth trying. Yes 14 years, good times and bad.

I find work a good distraction to be honest. The evenings are the worst hes just sitting ignoring me once the kids go to bed. I will not fight shout or roar for them to hear and when he slagged me off in front of them last night it was shocking, they are all under 7.

Big Bag of Chips · 13-12-2018 11:54PM

I think you need to consider the possibility that he has cheated on you, more than the time you know about. One thing that comes up here regularly, and is often proven to be the case is that someone who consistently accuses their partner of cheating etc are quite often cheating themselves and are judging their partner by their own standards. You know he cheats. He cheated with you and he has cheated on you, once that you know of. He accuses you constantly, because cheating isn't a huge issue for him. He can do it quite easily. So he assumes the same is true for you.

Maybe counselling could help you both. But you may never know the full truth. And you need to decide if you can accept that and move forward. There's no shame in walking away if things cannot be resolved.

Helppls18 · 14-12-2018 12:01AM

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I think you need to consider the possibility that he has cheated on you, more than the time you know about. One thing that comes up here regularly, and is often proven to be the case is that someone who consistently accuses their partner of cheating etc are quite often cheating themselves and are judging their partner by their own standards. You know he cheats. He cheated with you and he has cheated on you, once that you know of. He accuses you constantly, because cheating isn't a huge issue for him. He can do it quite easily. So he assumes the same is true for you.

Maybe counselling could help you both. But you may never know the full truth. And you need to decide if you can accept that and move forward. There's no shame in walking away if things cannot be resolved.

Thank you I never actually thought about it like that, it is definitely a possibility. My heart is telling me its over, my head to give counselling a try. I never thought our marriage would end with a baby on the way, it's the kids I feel for but if we are amicable it might be ok.

BBFAN · 14-12-2018 12:09AM

There's something missing here OP. Where did last nights rant come from? He surely didn't start calling you names for no reason?

Helppls18 · 14-12-2018 12:21AM

BBFAN wrote: »

There's something missing here OP. Where did last nights rant come from? He surely didn't start calling you names for no reason?

It has been an issue over the years, it comes up at least once a year but this has been the worst episode. He said he is desperately unhappy he can't get it out of his head, has no respect for me, he said I have never shown remorse for what I have done. Maybe he just doesn't love me or maybe there is a mental health issue, I don't know. When this issue arises he asks me questions about various partners or relationships and insists I'm lying about certain things. He interrogated me as to what an ex said to me in a car about 14 years ago, truth be told cant remember the night the pub we were in etc and he doesn't believe me. He is also insisting I was in a flat share of local guy / ONS but never set foot in it in my life if I was in it I would say as things cant get any worse, but I wasn't there. He asks questions in relation to the actual ONS was condoms used etc, he is obsessed. If it happened when we were officially together or if I done it when engaged/married fair enough, but I'm seriously freaked by the obsession. It started 13 days ago he ignores me every evening, we have had words after kids gone to bed, and last night was the worst when he slagged me in front of kids.

Helppls18 · 14-12-2018 12:23AM

Bar not car..

retro:electro · 14-12-2018 12:27AM

Remorse for what? Things you did and relationships you had before you even knew he existed? I wouldn’t be long telling him to go fcuk himself. I know it’s hard and you feel like you’ve invested so much at this stage but that’s no reason to stay if you are miserable in the here and now. Stand up for yourself and take the control back. How dare he. Interrogating you about shlt that happened 14 years ago? He’s not well

Helppls18 · 14-12-2018 12:29AM

I am miserable and live holding my breath to see what sort of mood he is in, half live in fear of meeting an ex whilst out together and triggering something in him.

Funnily we come across as a very happy family, the saying about what goes on behind closed doors is so true...

Springfields · 14-12-2018 12:39AM

You don't need to show remorse or even apologise for any of your past behaviour When ye weren't even.together at the time
There is no reason to feel guilty
You are not helping your children by staying with a man who treats you like dirt. They will not thank you for it in the end.
He sounds like he has major issues going on but is choosing to blame you instead of manning up and dealing with his own feelings.
As for your family you are not bringing shame on them by leaving
This is not your fault. Hopefully they will understand that.
Best of luck

BBFAN · 14-12-2018 12:40AM

Helppls18 wrote: »

It has been an issue over the years, it comes up at least once a year but this has been the worst episode. He said he is desperately unhappy he can't get it out of his head, has no respect for me, he said I have never shown remorse for what I have done. Maybe he just doesn't love me or maybe there is a mental health issue, I don't know. When this issue arises he asks me questions about various partners or relationships and insists I'm lying about certain things. He interrogated me as to what an ex said to me in a car about 14 years ago, truth be told cant remember the night the pub we were in etc and he doesn't believe me. He is also insisting I was in a flat share of local guy / ONS but never set foot in it in my life if I was in it I would say as things cant get any worse, but I wasn't there. He asks questions in relation to the actual ONS was condoms used etc, he is obsessed. If it happened when we were officially together or if I done it when engaged/married fair enough, but I'm seriously freaked by the obsession. It started 13 days ago he ignores me every evening, we have had words after kids gone to bed, and last night was the worst when he slagged me in front of kids.

Ah that crap is just not normal. You need to get out of this situation.

Helppls18 · 14-12-2018 12:43AM

Thanks to all, this has helped so much, it has confirmed everything I was afraid to voice, it's not normal, and deep down I know he won't change and I need to be strong and seperate.

Purple Mountain · 14-12-2018 01:59AM

Please book an appointment for yourself with a counsellor or phone a Women's Aid helpline.
He's a bully.

Help me pls

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