What's the etiquette here??

Brendan Bendar · 09-08-2020 8:37pm

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

A point very well made Brendan think about all the time you wasted in college reading Peig Sayers and the ****in Gallic Wars when you could have boning up (pardon the pun) on African Railway Sh1tters ?

You could have sluiced down an ar$eful of bhladdery midden without recourse to the gentleman in the dressing gown and slippers ...

Who sounded like a right dodgy cnunt ..if you dosent mind me observing.....

Good point Nevin, might get on to that Kerry bint whose in charge of education and put that to her.

I mean wouldn’t the knowledge of how to spray a clean gout of runnel on an East African Narrow gauge be far more useful than the exploits of some Virgil cnunt spaffing into the “wine dark sea “ and dry humping the unfortunate inhabitants of Mykonos.

Sure it would.

Right about the dressing gown and slippers lad though, got off at Jinja, and was met by the police and led away in Toyota combi.

Must have had form.

Brendan Bendar · 09-08-2020 8:41pm

Bullocks wrote: »

Brave man Ben, I'd sooner **** my pants than ask someone in Nairobi for help, he probably had your wallet gone while opening his robe! An awful hole of a place, I was fierce bound up when visiting

Much different times Bullocks.

An Ri rua · 10-08-2020 2:27am

Always a lucky chap, I am. There was a special on Brady's Ham and Carroll Meats so I cleared the shelves. Expiry dates implied I should give it socks so, despite being vegan, I fed the furnace with the full measure of death. The train is racing hard through the underground tunnels now and Oh I can see the light at the end Lord, it's like a Corona, winking and dazzling.
Asymptomatic as yet but I can feel something rumbling. Should exit the tunnel with the last carriage by daybreak and by the light of day will judge the entrails and Offal.

An Ri rua · 10-08-2020 2:36am

[Deleted User] wrote: »

How is this thread still going..

Senekot. And plenty of fluids. Keeps us all regular.

Are you having problems in the poopchute, kkv?

Slideways · 10-08-2020 10:47am

Question nearly worthy of a poll..

Dropped off a turd just now. Solid Neptune’s kiss off it and on inspection this thing (approx size 5” long and 1.5” in diameter) was hovering in the bowl. Thought it might have been a trick of the eyes so gave it a poke with the bolus brush. It dropped down and then immediately regained its position mid water. Maybe an inch below the surface but not on the bottom.
Like it was trying out for a stunt double in the Hunt for Red October.

Is this unusual I wonder. This thing was as smooth as a baptismal candle, maybe that was the secret to its buoyancy?

An Ri rua · 10-08-2020 11:26am

Slideways wrote: »

Question nearly worthy of a poll..

Dropped off a turd just now. Solid Neptune’s kiss off it and on inspection this thing (approx size 5” long and 1.5” in diameter) was hovering in the bowl. Thought it might have been a trick of the eyes so gave it a poke with the bolus brush. It dropped down and then immediately regained its position mid water. Maybe an inch below the surface but not on the bottom.
Like it was trying out for a stunt double in the Hunt for Red October.

Is this unusual I wonder. This thing was as smooth as a baptismal candle, maybe that was the secret to its buoyancy?

Do you suspect it was 'gold plated' or was this solid brown gold? Are you missing any bedroom toys? Would explain the measurements and floating, especially with the ballast coat?

Nevin Parsnipp · 10-08-2020 5:37pm

Slideways wrote: »

Question nearly worthy of a poll..

Dropped off a turd just now. Solid Neptune’s kiss off it and on inspection this thing (approx size 5” long and 1.5” in diameter) was hovering in the bowl. Thought it might have been a trick of the eyes so gave it a poke with the bolus brush. It dropped down and then immediately regained its position mid water. Maybe an inch below the surface but not on the bottom.
Like it was trying out for a stunt double in the Hunt for Red October.

Is this unusual I wonder. This thing was as smooth as a baptismal candle, maybe that was the secret to its buoyancy?

You forgot to take the butt plugg from your hole pal....build up of grease caused it to fail to hold back that big sh1te you bunted out.
Have a poke around the pan and I am sure you will find it....

EmmetSpiceland · 10-08-2020 6:08pm

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

You forgot to take the butt plugg from your hole pal....build up of grease caused it to fail to hold back that big sh1te you bunted out.
Have a poke around the pan and I am sure you will find it....

That’s certainly one “theory”, N.

Another, put forward by myself, would be diet. Buoyancy in the stool is, usually, caused by excess gas become “trapped” inside it causing it to float.

If I were to hazard a guess, the poster in questions sounds like someone who would consider a couple of tins of beans a “hearty” meal. This could easily lead to “floaters” in the bowl. Must be a devil to shift.

Hand in Your Pants · 10-08-2020 7:01pm

Plenty of nuts in my diet recently. Lots of oily, heavily textured logs that hit the water and sink quickly, big meaty loads, bulging sausage casings filled with cereals and nuts and silage and excrement beef.

Pleasurable enough to drop though, as I can feel the gravel pass slowly through my hula.

Brendan Bendar · 10-08-2020 7:37pm

Big problem with the butt plug is the screw threads tend to rot due to arse acid.

Therefore when a push is on, the plug can fly out and enter the contaminated area.

Best removed with a slotted spoon in the event of a sludgy discharge.

Brendan Bendar · 11-08-2020 9:08am

Just blew out a bright floury discharge after a full Ooirish.

Apart from a rather thin bang of black pud and sour Polish beer, all good.

Lit the candle just in case, slight flare up on ignition.

Hector Savage · 11-08-2020 9:37am

In a bit of a pickle lads, cleaning lady is upstairs .... I just had a large coffee and have about 3 KG of midden in the hull busting to get out ....

really struggling here ... even thinking of heading back up to the cafe to drop the guts!!

Nevin Parsnipp · 11-08-2020 9:40am

Appreciate you sharing that ...I seen that bit of a flare all right ...

https://i.imgur.com/9fio7c6.mp4

Hector Savage · 11-08-2020 9:41am

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

Appreciate you sharing that ...I seen that bit of a flare all right ...

https://i.imgur.com/9fio7c6.mp4

That the gas explosion that happned in USA yesterday ?

Brendan Bendar · 11-08-2020 9:42am

Hector Savage wrote: »

That the gas explosion that happned in USA yesterday ?

No, was in the East, probably Beirut.

Hector Savage · 11-08-2020 9:47am

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

No, was in the East, probably Beirut.

Thats not the Beirut explosion ...

Brendan Bendar · 11-08-2020 11:44am

Hector Savage wrote: »

Thats not the Beirut explosion ...

No Hector, it’s not, I was just surmising that’s the candle flare out migh be of similar magnitude.

Not as much flame as smoke and dust from the Beirut one.

Hope we have settled that important point Hecko.

Hate to go to bed worrying about that, especially with a full load of ripe midden ready to ‘top out’ circa 0630 hrs.

Could ,as happened, have an uncontained premature blow out during the night.

Cot might have to be taken out of commission.

Hector Savage · 11-08-2020 11:50am

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

No Hector, it’s not, I was just surmising that’s the candle flare out migh be of similar magnitude.

Not as much flame as smoke and dust from the Beirut one.

Hope we have settled that important point Hecko.

Hate to go to bed worrying about that, especially with a full load of ripe midden ready to ‘top out’ circa 0630 hrs.

Could ,as happened, have an uncontained premature blow out during the night.

Cot might have to be taken out of commission.

Don't worry, just put a baby potty beside your bed and if the need arises during the night/early morning fill that f*cker up to the tip.

It worked very well for a previous poster here.

Brendan Bendar · 11-08-2020 12:15pm

Hector Savage wrote: »

Don't worry, just put a baby potty beside your bed and if the need arises during the night/early morning fill that f*cker up to the tip.

It worked very well for a previous poster here.

Good call, Hecko, not sure though I would like 2 kilo of rusty scutther slumbering under the cot.

Could be a build up of fumes........ then you could forget it and find the house cat stretched on his back in the bedroom.

Will try to work sommit out.

EmmetSpiceland · 11-08-2020 12:21pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Could be a build up of fumes........ then you could forget it and find the house cat stretched on his back in the bedroom.

Never mind the cat, B. You could, literally, put your foot in it “first thing” when exiting the bed.

Brendan Bendar · 11-08-2020 1:35pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Never mind the cat, B. You could, literally, put your foot in it “first thing” when exiting the bed.

:eek:

Hector Savage · 11-08-2020 4:26pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Good call, Hecko, not sure though I would like 2 kilo of rusty scutther slumbering under the cot.

Could be a build up of fumes........ then you could forget it and find the house cat stretched on his back in the bedroom.

Will try to work sommit out.

Easy solution, store said potty in freezer overnight and next morning chuck off a bridge - or even better take it into work to dispose of ... allthough in these covid times, hygiene being a priority this may be frowned upon.

Dual wheels · 11-08-2020 4:31pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

I had to open my business today for a few hours, and asked one of the lads to come in and give me a hand. I was out last night watching the Liverpool game, and I've a stage 6 hangover as a result.

Anways, it got to about half 10 and I felt my 'sheriff's badge' starting to twitch. Headed into the jacks and dropped a serious anchor into Brown Water Bay. I was sitting there afterwards on my phone when what do I hear but the jacks door opening, and someone heading into the stall beside mine. Down go the trousers, a slight groan, a string of watery farts, and then a noise that sounded like a box of old boots being thrown out of an attic. A smaller fart to finish up, and a deep exhalation of breath. :eek:

I was shocked, and very angry. Am I overreacting, or should the fúcker have waited until I had finished using the boombox before he decided to go and pinch one out? He's an Eastern European, so don't know if they have different cultural norms. I didn't say a word to him for the rest of the morning, and am in a shocker of a mood since. :mad:

I shared a gaf with a pole before and he told me it is a sign of manliness just like flexing muscles or burping to do a massive sh1te whilst in company, also in fairness I’m sure his sheriffs badge was giving him the nod and as there was another cubicle it was better than sh1ting his pants

Brendan Bendar · 11-08-2020 5:19pm

Dual wheels wrote: »

I shared a gaf with a pole before and he told me it is a sign of manliness just like flexing muscles or burping to do a massive sh1te whilst in company, also in fairness I’m sure his sheriffs badge was giving him the nod and as there was another cubicle it was better than sh1ting his pants

Hmmm ...must give it a try before the semi-final of the mixed fourball.

Rock into the dressing room, there’s Conrad nervously polishing his clubs beside his locker.

Unload a ferocious howitzer of a fart, flex the knees, Con.. I’m ready to blow you outa water today, just have to ream out the pipes and I’ll be untouchable.

I’ll take this hen run apart. Into the traps ..door open ..plenty of belt buckle rattle and baaaaaang explode a cargo of sour porridge in the general area of the crockery.

Out again trousers down, big baton with a head like a sheep’s heart swaying and a wedge of rotten caked arse roll in the fist.

If that doesn’t fcuk up Con, nothing will.

An Ri rua · 11-08-2020 6:47pm

Dual wheels wrote: »

I shared a gaf with a pole before and he told me it is a sign of manliness just like flexing muscles or burping to do a massive sh1te whilst in company, also in fairness I’m sure his sheriffs badge was giving him the nod and as there was another cubicle it was better than sh1ting his pants

1st post time again Johnny!!!
Traumatic POST ****e disorder. It's a thing...

An Ri rua · 11-08-2020 6:51pm

Hector Savage wrote: »

In a bit of a pickle lads, cleaning lady is upstairs .... I just had a large coffee and have about 3 KG of midden in the hull busting to get out ....

really struggling here ... even thinking of heading back up to the cafe to drop the guts!!

Henry the Hoover...it's an open and shut case.

An Ri rua · 11-08-2020 6:56pm

And they say men don't share....

Johnny puts his heart on his sleeve and asks, lads, am I over-reacting?
What women don't understand is that we only talk about the important things.
Like, should you sing opera if you're forced to drop an A-bomb in a cubicle beside a Japanese chap? Unfortunate nukes notwithstanding, those lads hate the sound of a rasping arse, so I am told... they like their ears to lie to them even when their nose, and taste, tells them that some bad ju-ju happened in this place.

Bobblehats · 11-08-2020 10:14pm

Maybeif you explained it was or ramen, or super noodles you are evacuating. In which case the more slurping the more you enjoyed a satisfying meal is’nt that how the etiquette goes

Either way upon leaving the cubicle I would have thought a discreet bow in acknowledgement and just sidling off into the night would be an honourable gesture enough. Some things are just better left unsaid

Ush1 · 12-08-2020 8:18am

Perhaps there should be an ad campaign for men about bowel movements? Topical considering the ol tampax stuff.

Brendan Bendar · 12-08-2020 8:38am

Ush1 wrote: »

Perhaps there should be an ad campaign for men about bowel movements? Topical considering the ol tampax stuff.

Would have to be done tastefully- no close ups .

Don’t want the trouble the minge cork lot had.

No bleaching or make up.

padd b1975 · 12-08-2020 8:47am

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Hmmm ...must give it a try before the semi-final of the mixed fourball.

Rock into the dressing room, there’s Conrad nervously polishing his clubs beside his locker.

Unload a ferocious howitzer of a fart, flex the knees, Con.. I’m ready to blow you outa water today, just have to ream out the pipes and I’ll be untouchable.

I’ll take this hen run apart. Into the traps ..door open ..plenty of belt buckle rattle and baaaaaang explode a cargo of sour porridge in the general area of the crockery.

Out again trousers down, big baton with a head like a sheep’s heart swaying and a wedge of rotten caked arse roll in the fist.

If that doesn’t fcuk up Con, nothing will.

Get help.

In fact I'm surprised someone with your "unpredictability" hasn't come to the attention of the committee already.

Brendan Bendar · 12-08-2020 8:57am

padd b1975 wrote: »

Get help.

In fact I'm surprised someone with your "unpredictability" hasn't come to the attention of the committee already.

Lad with influence in the ‘House Committee’ did try to have me censured.

‘Suspected damage to sanitary unit with a club‘ was the ‘charge’.

Only gave the urinal a tip of a seven iron after an unlucky defeat on the 21st. Didn’t give it a full swing.

Paid for the damage and that was case closed.

Ush1 · 12-08-2020 11:07am

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Would have to be done tastefully- no close ups .

Don’t want the trouble the minge cork lot had.

No bleaching or make up.

"Warts an all" as they say Bren.

NeinNeinNein · 12-08-2020 12:33pm

Ush1 wrote: »

Perhaps there should be an ad campaign for men about bowel movements? Topical considering the ol tampax stuff.

Good call U. I can see the television advert now, a white trousered man roller skating delightedly from tennis court to cubicle. Of course it would have to have an appropriate soundtrack, perhaps a Richie Kavanagh number?

Dual wheels · 12-08-2020 9:11pm

There’s a bird in my house share, savage looking but has a hole on her like the ring of Kerry after a curry, jacks is destroyed every morning desperate smell of slurry which won’t go away

fuerte1976 · 12-08-2020 11:18pm

Dual wheels wrote: »

There’s a bird in my house share, savage looking but has a hole on her like the ring of Kerry after a curry, jacks is destroyed every morning desperate smell of slurry which won’t go away

Is the smell worth the view?

If yes, then embrace it and move on..
If no, then.... Try the current affairs forum..

To add, I'm under the influence of almost 2 gallons of Co Clares finest porter. So what brought me here, God only knows..

Nevin Parsnipp · 13-08-2020 9:11am

I blame all this Sourdough Bread....

Blew out an ar$efull of rank sour midden in the "Good Toilet" this morn...

Mrs Parsnipp who had occasion to enter shortly arter the event opined that you could "Hang an Overcoat" on the foul bang that she encountered....and would I consider deploying the rose scented aerosol spray to be found in the cabinet ?

As always I was happy to accept the advice......

NeinNeinNein · 13-08-2020 1:29pm

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

Mrs Parsnipp who had occasion to enter shortly arter the event opined that you could "Hang an Overcoat" on the foul bang that she encountered....and would I consider deploying the rose scented aerosol spray to be found in the cabinet ?

As always I was happy to accept the advice......

Sounds like the perfect marriage.

Hotblack Desiato · 13-08-2020 2:15pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

at least some of that 24/7 irritability is undoubtedly down to severe constipation as a result of the bedsit diet of spaghetti hoops, frozen pizza, microwavable cheeseburgers, and strong Eastern European 'cooking lager'.

No doubt, JF, although I would have thought the lagers in question would open up the sluices with a ripe mushy-peas texture discharge?

A regular and smooth bowel movement is a sign of good emotional and physical health, and has positive impacts on all aspects of your life.

Indeed. You'd think one of those Eastern religions would have cottoned on to this route to spiritual enlightenment by now.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=re9YorsrUa4

Hotblack Desiato · 13-08-2020 2:19pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Just blew out a bright floury discharge after a full Ooirish.

Will be fry-up breakfasts all next week, dining like a lord and gallons of porter

Arse won't know what hit it. Dropping down to the jacks beside reception for the more serious loads might not be an option in these covid protocol times, we'll have to see. At least we have interconnecting rooms, so there is still an option if one pot is temporarily out of commission due to toxic fumes.

Actually I'm going to a place on the western seaboard which discharges its wastes direct into the sea - swimming on the local beach is already not advised so by this time next week they'll well and truly be flying the brown flag.

Hector Savage wrote: »

In a bit of a pickle lads, cleaning lady is upstairs .... I just had a large coffee and have about 3 KG of midden in the hull busting to get out ....

really struggling here ... even thinking of heading back up to the cafe to drop the guts!!

Ooh posh lad Hector.

Just give her a good seeing to and she won't notice any subsequent noxious emissons. Should save on this week's wages as well.

Dual wheels · 13-08-2020 3:47pm

I suppose the good thing about working from home is that you can fart away all day long

Aglomerado · 13-08-2020 5:46pm

Dual wheels wrote: »

I suppose the good thing about working from home is that you can fart away all day long

The danger of that is getting so accustomed to it that when you do get back to the office, you lift your cheek and blast out a ripper in front of everyone without thinking. Will have to rein it in before going back...

An Ri rua · 13-08-2020 5:56pm

Dual wheels wrote: »

I suppose the good thing about working from home is that you can fart away all day long

Zoom zoom

Lewis_Benson · 13-08-2020 10:22pm

Aglomerado wrote: »

The danger of that is getting so accustomed to it that when you do get back to the office, you lift your cheek and blast out a ripper in front of everyone without thinking. Will have to rein it in before going back...

Imagine doing that in front of Karen from accounts.

Hotblack Desiato · 14-08-2020 12:11am

An Ri rua wrote: »

Zoom zoom

At least on a zoom meeting you can mute the mic when you get the "two second warning"

JohnnyFlash · 14-08-2020 12:39am

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

At least on a zoom meeting you can mute the mic when you get the "two second warning"

Muting the mic is one thing, but it's trying to overrule the natural instinct to cock your leg, make a face like you're having a stroke, and going 'get out and walk, you cúnt' that you have to overcome.

Not easy. :mad:

Dual wheels · 14-08-2020 12:55am

Lewis_Benson wrote: »

Imagine doing that in front of Karen from accounts.

Imagine Karen from accounts doing that in front of you...

Lewis_Benson · 14-08-2020 11:27pm

A feed of Pat McDonaghs finest this evening, was meant to eat a decent meal, but plans changed and it was a chicken fillet burger, Curry Cheese Chips, chicken dippers with garlic dip.
Washed down with a few cans of Perlenbacher Pilsner from Lidl.

Let's see how things look in the morning.

sligojoek · 15-08-2020 1:18am

Lewis_Benson wrote: »

A feed of Pat McDonaghs finest this evening, was meant to eat a decent meal, but plans changed and it was a chicken fillet burger, Curry Cheese Chips, chicken dippers with garlic dip.
Washed down with a few cans of Perlenbacher Pilsner from Lidl.

Let's see how things look in the morning.

You'll be grand. Nothing too obnoxious there.

On "thin ice", myself, tonight.

Got a "marked down" pound of minced lamb tuesday evening and forgot about it till today. Looked at the date and realised it should have been cooked yesterday. I had planned on doing something Indian or Moroccan with it but decided to go for a shepherd's pie on the hottest day of the year.

I cooked the sh1te out of it so I should be OK

Hotblack Desiato · 15-08-2020 2:29am

Lewis_Benson wrote: »

Let's see how things look in the morning.

Not great I expect, but no need to post pics.

What's the etiquette here??

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