If a man wants a woman......

cannotlogin · 26-02-2019 10:31pm #1

Sweeping generalisation or some truth in the fact that if a man wants a woman he'll chase her or let her know and if he doesn't he's just not interested?

This evening's conversation with some friends with the above nearly accepted as 100% accurate.

So what you think?

I know all men are different but in general what do you think.

Ariadne · 27-02-2019 1:10am

Hmm, I don't know. It depends on the person really. I'm sure most men would do the chasing or make it quite obvious but others may be shy and not let on.

HalloweenJack · 27-02-2019 1:15am

One man's romantic is one woman's harassment.

Twenty Grand · 27-02-2019 1:18am

Wouldn't totally agree.

Sometimes you chase each other and other times there's no chasing at all.

Guffy · 27-02-2019 1:23am

#metoo

Johnnyhpipe · 27-02-2019 1:25am

HalloweenJack wrote: »

One man's romantic is one woman's harassment.

If he’s good looking its romantic. If he’s ugly its harassment.

Purple Mountain · 27-02-2019 1:37am

Agree 100%.
That was the best piece of insight I ever got from a man (I'm a woman). He said if a guy really likes a girl he will make it his business to go get her.
I remember one time I met a guy (not guy above) in a bar through a mutual friend and instantly there was this amazing chemistry. We were chatting all night and I really found myself hooked. He wasn't a regular to this bar, I was.
For some reason and maybe alcohol too, at the end of the night I gave him my bracelet (this was around the start or maybe before mobile phone days so I suppose the bracelet was equivalent to a phone number!) and said to him if he wanted to see me again then he'd have to come back to that bar with my bracelet. And he did!
I just knew we'd see each other again and he'd come after me because of the chemistry that night.
I messed up our brief relationship over something trivial and before I could look for a second chance his ex had swept him back up

sligojoek · 27-02-2019 2:09am

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Agree 100%.
That was the best piece of insight I ever got from a man (I'm a woman). He said if a guy really likes a girl he will make it his business to go get her.
I remember one time I met a guy (not guy above) in a bar through a mutual friend and instantly there was this amazing chemistry. We were chatting all night and I really found myself hooked. He wasn't a regular to this bar, I was.
For some reason and maybe alcohol too, at the end of the night I gave him my bracelet (this was around the start or maybe before mobile phone days so I suppose the bracelet was equivalent to a phone number!) and said to him if he wanted to see me again then he'd have to come back to that bar with my bracelet. And he did!
I just knew we'd see each other again and he'd come after me because of the chemistry that night.
I messed up our brief relationship over something trivial and before I could look for a second chance his ex had swept him back up

Had she a bigger bracelet than you?

s7ryf3925pivug · 27-02-2019 2:22am

I had women tell me they liked how forthright I am. Therefore they must have encountered other men who were not direct, so it would not be accurate to say men are always direct and frank.

[It was more a lack of subtlety but I was happy to take it.]

I think it's best to take things at face value. However if a woman is interested in someone and it is appropriate to do so, then the best thing to do is to communicate that to them. Passively waiting to see if they show interest in them is less likely to be successful.

biko · 27-02-2019 5:33am

Don't trust a man will make the first move.

Men can be shy, and are also fairly stupid..

Arghus · 27-02-2019 5:36am

Sweeping generalisation.

ginandtonicsky · 27-02-2019 7:17am

Not in my experience. Have had a good few situations where I found out years later that a male mate or colleague was into me years earlier. Either by them telling me directly “ah yeah I used to fancy you rotten back when we were in college” or by other means.

Dated a work acquaintance briefly who told me he’d go out of his way not to look at me / spend too much time talking to me because he was so shy and didn’t want to seem inappropriate. I thought he had no time for me at all!

Last major ex was pretty direct though, he was hook line and sinker from the get go. You’d need to be to get anywhere with me these days as I’m the opposite of direct myself most of the time

Richard Hillman · 27-02-2019 7:54am

I absolutely hate the Chase. So if it's not absolutely 100% obvious, I'm not playing ball. I was a great success in the "my mate likes you" era.

RacoonQueen · 27-02-2019 8:05am

Johnnyhpipe wrote: »

If he’s good looking its romantic. If he’s ugly its harassment.

No such thing as ugly. One woman's 'ugly' is another woman's brutally handsome.

Anyway, don't think men will always chase when they're interested. Especially Irish men who I find to be a lot less forward when it comes down to it, but it is more a question for men to answer. Just because one man says that they'll always chase that applies to him only really.
Rare to meet a man I'm interested in so I will generally try to be pretty forward and let him know, leave the ball in his court then whilst trying not to be too pushy if I think he is also interested but too shy.

ThunbergsAreGo · 27-02-2019 8:19am

Hopefully this outdated notion that it's the job of to men chase and pay the bill will be pushed aside in this era of equality

Zorya · 27-02-2019 8:35am

Meh, I don't know. Lads can be as shy as women. Sometimes a lady has to get the party started.
I asked my husband to marry me, for example.

hehe

Tefral · 27-02-2019 8:46am

I think the way things are gone most fellas wouldnt do anything forward anymore not least without really considering it, at which time the moment might be gone.

ChikiChiki · 27-02-2019 9:19am

RacoonQueen wrote: »

No such thing as ugly. One woman's 'ugly' is another woman's brutally handsome.

Anyway, don't think men will always chase when they're interested. Especially Irish men who I find to be a lot less forward when it comes down to it, but it is more a question for men to answer. Just because one man says that they'll always chase that applies to him only really.
Rare to meet a man I'm interested in so I will generally try to be pretty forward and let him know, leave the ball in his court then whilst trying not to be too pushy if I think he is also interested but too shy.

I think a lot of men's hesitation in approaching comes from Irish women in groups can be a nightmare to converse with and they can be quick to cut down. I've noticed sexes from foreign cultures tend to mix much more.

sbsquarepants · 27-02-2019 9:34am

biko wrote: »

Don't trust a man will make the first move.

Men can be shy, and are also fairly stupid..

Arghus wrote: »

Sweeping generalisation.

I am somewhat of an expert on men (by that I mean I have a willy) and confirm that bikos statement is in fact true, particularly the second part.

In fact I'd go so far as to say that a lot of times, we aren't even all that shy - just too stupid to know how to proceed!

Ladies - take it from me - we hardly ever say no, so make the damn move yourselves and life would be so much easier:D

theteal · 27-02-2019 9:36am

Although ruggedly handsome in an obvious sort of way :cool::D, I must admit to being prone to a spot of shyness at times - mostly all the time, so I definitely don't agree OP. I definitely only "made a move" when I knew the lady was interested, which thanks to the aforementioned handsomeness and also my modest nature, they were 99% of the time.

Plopsu · 27-02-2019 9:42am

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Agree 100%.
That was the best piece of insight I ever got from a man (I'm a woman). He said if a guy really likes a girl he will make it his business to go get her.
I remember one time I met a guy (not guy above) in a bar through a mutual friend and instantly there was this amazing chemistry. We were chatting all night and I really found myself hooked. He wasn't a regular to this bar, I was.
For some reason and maybe alcohol too, at the end of the night I gave him my bracelet (this was around the start or maybe before mobile phone days so I suppose the bracelet was equivalent to a phone number!) and said to him if he wanted to see me again then he'd have to come back to that bar with my bracelet. And he did!
I just knew we'd see each other again and he'd come after me because of the chemistry that night.
I messed up our brief relationship over something trivial and before I could look for a second chance his ex had swept him back up

That sounds like you were doing the chasing there.

sbsquarepants · 27-02-2019 9:44am

I have to say I've never really understood the whole mostly male "thrill of the chase" mentality and the mostly female equivalent "playing hard to get".

I was usually happy enough to chance my arm if I fancied someone (couple of instances of stage fright where I just couldn't get my nerve up, must have been sober or something:D) but I absolutely lacked persistence, first sniff of disinterest and I was gone in search of more hospitable pastures.

Maybe some people get some sort of buzz from it, but as far as I'm concerned if you play hard to get, you just don't get got - life's just too short to be dealing with that game playing shít no matter how hot they are.

Zorya · 27-02-2019 9:49am

sbsquarepants wrote: »

I have to say I've never really understood the whole mostly male "thrill of the chase" mentality and the mostly female equivalent "playing hard to get".

I was usually happy enough to chance my arm if I fancied someone (couple of instances of stage fright where I just couldn't get my nerve up, must have been sober or something:D) but I absolutely lacked persistence, first sniff of disinterest and I was gone in search of more hospitable pastures.

Maybe some people get some sort of buzz from it, but as far as I'm concerned if you play hard to get, you just don't get got - life's just too short to be dealing with that game playing shít no matter how hot they are.

Yep, life is too short. Ye could miss out on the prince and end up with the frogs. Grab the good ones when you recognise them and hang on.

Cina · 27-02-2019 10:01am

Richard Hillman wrote: »

I absolutely hate the Chase. So if it's not absolutely 100% obvious, I'm not playing ball. I was a great success in the "my mate likes you" era.

What? How can you not like Bradley Walsh you heathen!

Ariadne · 27-02-2019 10:05am

I've never been able to play hard to get in my life. If I want something then I want it and I'm going to go after it. I've never felt the need to wait around dropping subtle hints, and I've found that men are often delighted to be complimented or to have the woman make the first move. I guess it doesn't happen to them as much. It's funny because men sometimes think I'm very confident and I must be the least confident person in the world. You know what I'm confident in? Knowing that men like to get the ride

RacoonQueen · 27-02-2019 10:09am

ChikiChiki wrote: »

I think a lot of men's hesitation in approaching comes from Irish women in groups can be a nightmare to converse with and they can be quick to cut down. I've noticed sexes from foreign cultures tend to mix much more.

I'd be more or a one to one kinda girl, the rare occasions I am out drinking I have zero interest in talking to anyone not in my group given it is so rare to see my friends, so in the highly unlikely even a man approached me in that scenario I don't think I'd be interested.
If I'm interested in someone if would be someone I kinda know so I'd be pretty up front about either telling him I have the hots for him or asking him to hang out / do something specifically just me and him. I figure if he is interested he would jump at the chance to do any activity together...though I'm told that could perhaps be too subtle and if he is interested he could be hesitant because he thinks he is being friend zoned :pac:

Purple Mountain · 27-02-2019 10:56am

sligojoek wrote: »

Had she a bigger bracelet than you?

No a shared past that called him back

27-02-2019 11:05am

Richard Hillman wrote: »

I absolutely hate the Chase.

Hey, it's a fun show

orourkeda1977 · 27-02-2019 11:43am

cannotlogin wrote: »

Sweeping generalisation or some truth in the fact that if a man wants a woman he'll chase her or let her know and if he doesn't he's just not interested?

This evening's conversation with some friends with the above nearly accepted as 100% accurate.

So what you think?

I know all men are different but in general what do you think.

It's not always that straight forward.

I was crazy about a girl I used to work with. It took me months to work up the courage to ask her out and she crushed my balls in about 3 seconds flat. In the metaphorical sense of course.

buried · 27-02-2019 12:01pm

I find when I do the chasing at the start, all this chasing puts the ladies off and they not long to finish it
Without fail 5 - 6 months after the same women are back looking for me to start the chase again
Must be a lot of dopey Wiley Coyote types out there because all these road runner women seem to think this sort of $hite will work.

Feisar · 27-02-2019 12:10pm

I've hung up my boots and declaired my innings however back in the day I'd be fairly upfront as regards my intentions.

ginandtonicsky · 27-02-2019 2:57pm

RacoonQueen wrote: »

Anyway, don't think men will always chase when they're interested. Especially Irish men who I find to be a lot less forward when it comes down to it

Irish men can be brutal IME, sorry lads :pac: I've lived in many different countries and had pure shyte luck in Ireland, versus being hit on in the street or casually asked out in all kinds of scenarios elsewhere (this is a totally normal thing in the US, as an example)

It's this "men don't ask me out" vs "Irish women are rude" dynamic playing out, I know the apps are changing things but we've historically not been so comfortable with the notion of "Dating". People met their partners either whilst comatosed drunk down the pub or a friend-that-became-more-slowly typa thing. And the "hey baby" Italian-style attitude towards flirting doesn't really exist in Ireland, we slag each other off by way of expressing interest!

buried wrote: »

I find when I do the chasing at the start, all this chasing puts the ladies off and they not long to finish it
Without fail 5 - 6 months after the same women are back looking for me to start the chase again

Do you do a lot of online dating? I find the chaser/chasee dynamic can be strong on the apps. Women get so many messages that they expect men to do some serious chasing, and then everyone's so non-committal on these things that women don't want to come on too strong to kill the interest, etc

kowloon · 27-02-2019 2:58pm

Johnnyhpipe wrote: »

If he’s good looking its romantic. If he’s ugly its harassment.

Idea: Remake Romcoms shot for shot but have the leading man played by someone with a face like a slapped arse.

Blitzkrieger · 27-02-2019 3:13pm

Broadly speaking the OPs statement is true, but this should by no means be interpreted to mean that because he hasn't made a move, means he wouldn't be interested. As biko said :

biko wrote: »

Men can be shy, and are also fairly stupid..

I have at least one of these qualities in spades...

orourkeda1977 wrote: »

I was crazy about a girl I used to work with. It took me months to work up the courage to ask her out and she crushed my balls in about 3 seconds flat. In the metaphorical sense of course.

I feel for you - when that happens it's a fair auld knock to the confidence, self worth, etc. Hopefully you'll get a good response with the next lady.

Gimme A Pound · 27-02-2019 3:14pm

I've been led to believe that he... can't keep his mind on nothing else.

Church on Tuesday · 27-02-2019 3:19pm

At the end of the day, you won't get unless you ask.

killanena · 27-02-2019 3:20pm

I wouldn't say its very accurate, ever hear of friend zone? I know 2 lads in this position, they don't want to follow up on their feelings because they fear loosing that person from their lives if things go south. Also some lads are just shy,especially around a woman they find attractive and might never chase.

I was asked out by my fiancee. We were 17 at the time. Best friends, but I was seeing someone else (not going out, just shifting for lack of a better word lol). We had basically friendzoned each other. We both had feelings for eachother but feared ruining our friendship. She asked me if I would be her boyfriend one day we were in the local park on a beautiful day during the leaving cert.

I, of course said yes and we're together sense (8 years nearly!).

lainey_d_123 · 27-02-2019 3:27pm

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

Not in my experience. Have had a good few situations where I found out years later that a male mate or colleague was into me years earlier. Either by them telling me directly “ah yeah I used to fancy you rotten back when we were in college” or by other means.

Dated a work acquaintance briefly who told me he’d go out of his way not to look at me / spend too much time talking to me because he was so shy and didn’t want to seem inappropriate. I thought he had no time for me at all!

Last major ex was pretty direct though, he was hook line and sinker from the get go. You’d need to be to get anywhere with me these days as I’m the opposite of direct myself most of the time

Is there anything more tragic than to hear that? As someone who is also terrible at reading signals, it's resulted in so many missed opportunities. The only men I've ended up dating are the ones who came on incredibly strong and as I'm sure you know, they can often end up being the narcissists or super cocky ones.

Floppybits · 27-02-2019 3:28pm

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

Irish men can be brutal IME, sorry lads :pac: I've lived in many different countries and had pure shyte luck in Ireland, versus being hit on in the street or casually asked out in all kinds of scenarios elsewhere (this is a totally normal thing in the US, as an example)

Ah come on, if a guy was to approach a woman on the street in Ireland out of the blue and ask her out, he would looked at as if he was some sort of serial killer and either ignored or told to F**k Off.

Nothing worse that a woman play this hard to get crap, you are better of walking away from them, its not worth the time or effort.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 27-02-2019 3:32pm

I like shyer men so I've done most of the chasing. Weeks it took me with my OH. There's another friend I have, he's good looking, lovely guy, gainfully employed and all that and has no luck with the women at all. Used to be mystified by it until I saw him with a woman who, while not being direct, was dropping some pretty clear encouraging hints, all of which he was cheerfully 100% oblivious to. You could see the moment she decided he was either gay or not interested.

izzyflusky · 27-02-2019 3:41pm

What are people's definition of chasing? Just showing clear interest or making all the effort to see if something happens while the other person just sits and watches?

By the messages I've read I find that posters have different interpretations of it.

professore · 27-02-2019 3:44pm

Hayley Many Peak wrote: »

I like shyer men so I've done most of the chasing. Weeks it took me with my OH. There's another friend I have, he's good looking, lovely guy, gainfully employed and all that and has no luck with the women at all. Used to be mystified by it until I saw him with a woman who, while not being direct, was dropping some pretty clear encouraging hints, all of which he was cheerfully 100% oblivious to. You could see the moment she decided he was either gay or not interested.

Speaking from experience, this can come from a bad experience early on in the dating career where a girl dropped obvious hints but then either publicly rejected him or turned out to be leading him on for her own amusement. After that you think that's what's happening in every case.

professore · 27-02-2019 3:47pm

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

Irish men can be brutal IME, sorry lads :pac: I've lived in many different countries and had pure shyte luck in Ireland, versus being hit on in the street or casually asked out in all kinds of scenarios elsewhere (this is a totally normal thing in the US, as an example)

I knew a Spanish woman who saw this as a major advantage of Irish men. She would be very confident and approachable however, unlike a lot of Irish women.

aloneforever99 · 27-02-2019 3:49pm

Floppybits wrote: »

Ah come on, if a guy was to approach a woman on the street in Ireland out of the blue and ask her out, he would looked at as if he was some sort of serial killer and either ignored or told to F**k Off.

Nothing worse that a woman play this hard to get crap, you are better of walking away from them, its not worth the time or effort.

This happened me for the first time in my life the other day.

I was walking to a restaurant to meet a friend and I was done up for a night out. A French guy told me he liked my hair and we chatted a bit for a few minutes as we were walking in the same direction. When it was time to go our separate ways he asked could he see me again and took my number.

I'm not interested in him, but it was a huge compliment and I let him down as gently as possible when he texted.

Autecher · 27-02-2019 3:50pm

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

And the "hey baby" Italian-style attitude towards flirting doesn't really exist in Ireland, we slag each other off by way of expressing interest!

I agree with that you bítch. :pac:

King of Kings · 27-02-2019 3:53pm

Never really chased women ever. If my initial "story luv?" didnt have her swooning I gave up and moved on.

Im a believer in that women either like you or not and I'd no time for chasing them or trying to convince them

Gimme A Pound · 27-02-2019 4:02pm

Why are men calling themselves stupid? There's about the same level of stupidity among men as there is among women surely.

RacoonQueen wrote: »

No such thing as ugly. One woman's 'ugly' is another woman's brutally handsome.

That's not always true though. Some people might be very attractive in terms of character but their looks are what's noticeable first.

I know the line about it being romantic if he's good-looking but sleazy harassment if he's not, gets used as a stick to beat women with, but there's more than an element of truth to it.

Not that it doesn't apply to men either though - if she's gorgeous, nice one; if she's not attractive, ew, get her away.

aloneforever99 · 27-02-2019 4:14pm

Mya Poor Greenery wrote: »

I know the line about it being romantic if he's good-looking but sleazy harassment if he's not, gets used as a stick to beat women with, but there's more than an element of truth to it.

One night after a houseparty I fell asleep on a couch and when I woke up this guy was fingering me while two other guys watched. I don't think I'd have been okay with this if the guy was better looking.

Very insulting stance tbh.

buried · 27-02-2019 4:29pm

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

Do you do a lot of online dating? I find the chaser/chasee dynamic can be strong on the apps. Women get so many messages that they expect men to do some serious chasing, and then everyone's so non-committal on these things that women don't want to come on too strong to kill the interest, etc

Nah G, that's the thing I don't do any online dating at all. All the dates I've been on the last few years are women I've met in real life situations, out in pubs, mutual friends places, that sort of thing.

But yeah, these women probably are on these apps themselves too which could play in to it someway on their side.

Its just very annoying to be told by these types "this is isn't working", which is fair feicin enough BTW, that's no problem. Its annoying when you leave them be, which is what they are telling you they want, and you get on with your own stuff, but then for them to try to come back at you 5 - 6 months time to get on to you again. Its just plain $hitty. It happens a lot to me. I can set me calendar to it and its put me off trying to do anything dating wise, just a waste a time both in the present and without fail, down the road in 5-6 months like I said!

Zorya · 27-02-2019 4:32pm

aloneforever99 wrote: »

One night after a houseparty I fell asleep on a couch and when I woke up this guy was fingering me while two other guys watched. I don't think I'd have been okay with this if the guy was better looking.

Very insulting stance tbh.

:eek: Isn't that rape?

Floppybits · 27-02-2019 4:33pm

buried wrote: »

Its just very annoying to be told by these types "this is isn't working", which is fair feicin enough BTW, that's no problem. Its annoying when you leave them be, which is what they are telling you they want, and you get on with your own stuff, but then for them to try to come back at you 5 - 6 months time to get on to you again. Its just plain $hitty. It happens a lot to me. I can set me calendar to it and its put me off trying to do anything dating wise, just a waste a time both in the present and without fail, down the road in 5-6 months like I said!

I don't get this, so you go out on a few dates with a woman and then she says this is not working and you say fair enough and say your goodbyes and then 5-6 months later the same one contacts you out of the blue and says want to have another go?

If a man wants a woman......

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