Women who are "not maternal" having kids

Edgware · 17-08-2018 12:50pm

Bluestone100 wrote: »

Perhaps fear of being forgotten, of being old and lonely and irrelevant.

But at least you won't have ungrateful bastards begrudging you decent care and watching every penny you spend of "their" inheritance.
Without kids you can always bribe your favourite nephew or niece

eviltwin · 17-08-2018 1:36pm

I have two children who I love dearly but I wouldn't call myself maternal. I have no interest in other people's children.

17-08-2018 1:36pm

I am maternal but don't have children. Caring for a small baby comes naturally to me, playing with kids is something I enjoy. However I am very aware of the huge responsibility that comes with being a parent. For me it isn't something I could do without compromising my life and making huge sacrifices. Also as much as I am fond of kids they can wear me out after a time and I just want to hide. Time isn't on my side but I'm not going to become pregnant for that reason alone. Something I do find rather strange though are people who say they "hate" children. I just don't get it.

BuboBubo · 17-08-2018 2:21pm

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I am maternal but don't have children. Caring for a small baby comes naturally to me, playing with kids is something I enjoy. However I am very aware of the huge responsibility that comes with being a parent. For me it isn't something I could do without compromising my life and making huge sacrifices. Also as much as I am fond of kids they can wear me out after a time and I just want to hide. Time isn't on my side but I'm not going to become pregnant for that reason alone. Something I do find rather strange though are people who say they "hate" children. I just don't get it.

Some people don't necessarily "hate" children, I don't anyway. But I hate shrieking, sticky hands, sh1tty nappies, Peppa pig, and all other associated baby crap, and think babies aren't particularly nice looking either, as baby mammals go, humans aren't good looking.

It more hating being in it's presence than the actual baby itself.

But I do believe (and I see this a lot) that parents tend to be critical rather than supportive of each other, that's a pity imo.

ceadaoin. · 17-08-2018 2:37pm

eviltwin wrote: »

I have two children who I love dearly but I wouldn't call myself maternal. I have no interest in other people's children.

This. I wouldn't have described myself as maternal. Turns out I am though when it's my own child.

Just because a woman isn't constantly cooing over children or volunteering to babysit doesn't mean she isnt a good mother.

Malayalam · 17-08-2018 3:00pm

BuboBubo wrote: »

I.... think babies aren't particularly nice looking either, as baby mammals go, humans aren't good looking.
.

Hahaha how can you say this, show this woman the door!

They are designed to be adorable. Look at their pudgy bellies and bums and double chins, and their tiny fingers and wide opening mouths that make them look like muppets. Their huge eyes! Come on, they ARE nice looking.

Cleopatra_ · 17-08-2018 3:24pm

Malayalam wrote: »

Hahaha how can you say this, show this woman the door! They are designed to be adorable. Look at their pudgy bellies and bums and double chins, and their tiny fingers and wide opening mouths that make them look like muppets. Their huge eyes! Come on, they ARE nice looking.

Babies look like Churchill, it's not exactly cute compared to a little kitten or a little puppy

....... · 17-08-2018 3:28pm

Malayalam wrote: »

Hahaha how can you say this, show this woman the door! They are designed to be adorable. Look at their pudgy bellies and bums and double chins, and their tiny fingers and wide opening mouths that make them look like muppets. Their huge eyes! Come on, they ARE nice looking.

You see - this is a good example of what someone who is maternal might see.

I just see a noisy wrinkly thing.

Malayalam · 17-08-2018 3:28pm

Cleopatra_ wrote: »

Babies look like Churchill, it's not exactly cute compared to a little kitten or a little puppy

Noooooo, even the ones who look ugly are cute ugly.

Though I just did see an insanely cute baby squirrel on the lane and.... hmmmmm...

WAW · 17-08-2018 3:33pm

It's perfectly compatible to be non maternal and to be good to your kids. It isn't a given that non maternal mothers are horrible to (their) kids. It may be harder and you might have to work at it but you can still do a good job.
A lot has to do with oxytocin release!
But it is good that childless by choice is accepted now.

17-08-2018 4:04pm

Love babies and kids, don't mind the noise or caring for them either but because I've none of my own I still get to hand them back. I hope to have kids one day, but I think I'd be okay if it never happened. My twin nephews have written me love letters, so I have that seal of approval on my auntie skills anyway.

I'm probably quite maternal in that I feel protective towards all kids, even when they're being absolutely obnoxious and at their worst. I don't mind them playing noisily or running around yelling at each other, it's kinda what they're supposed to do. I've no problem with kids on planes or in restaurants and I've rarely had the inconveniences some people seem to suffer daily.

When people say they hate kids I doubt they've met every kid in the world and decided they hate them, so it's just something they say when they mean they don't like what goes with being in kids' company. What I find much worse is when people routinely refer to all kids as brats - or worse - and feel they should be locked away from society where they never have to see them, which I've seen on this forum quite a few times. It's a kind of hate speech, and it's somehow acceptable to say you hate all brats.

A long gone poster referred to a lost two year old as a little bitch a few years ago. It takes a *special* kind of person to call a lost and distressed toddler a little bitch because they were wailing for their mummy too loudly. That, to me, is what a "not maternal" person is like, someone who has no empathy for a child in distress. Luckily for the human race, it seems pretty rare in reality.

DaeryssaOne · 17-08-2018 4:32pm

Candie wrote: »

I've no problem with kids on planes or in restaurants and I've rarely had the inconveniences some people seem to suffer daily.

My husband was in knots laughing at me last week in a cafe when a kid at the next table was incessantly staring at me (I'm talking staring while lifting her fork to her mouth and not breaking her gaze once), I was so uncomfortable and didn't know how to handle it at all, in my defense she was a particularly creepy child!

I certainly don't hate kids (although I probably did express this sentiment when I was a teenager) and enjoy seeing my nephews and nieces but I am still very awkward around them. I don't really know how to play with them without feeling like an idiot and I do get wound up very easily by other people's children, just the noise and chaos doesn't suit me, if my friends walk in with their kids I don't automatically make a beeline for them like others would.

I have been told multiple times as part of personality tests that I have low empathy, but I would always sympathise with a lost / hurt child I think I would just be awkward about the whole thing so it's not very fair of the poster above to say if you 'hate' kids you must have no empathy.

No sometimes they're just noisy, messy annoying little sh*ts and I don't enjoy their company in the same way I wouldn't enjoy the company of grown-up noisy, messy and annoying sh*ts!

....... · 17-08-2018 4:34pm

DaeryssaOne wrote: »

My husband was in knots laughing at me last week in a cafe when a kid at the next table kept on staring at me, I was so uncomfortable and didn't know how to handle it at all, she was incredibly creepy in my defence!

I hate it in gym changing rooms. The gender of the child doesnt matter but I hate being stared at getting changed.

Malayalam · 17-08-2018 4:44pm

....... wrote: »

I hate it in gym changing rooms. The gender of the child doesnt matter but I hate being stared at getting changed.

Especially if they have that thousand yard stare and are picking their nose and absentmindedly eating their snots at the same time? Ahhhhhh :P

super_furry · 17-08-2018 4:47pm

Define 'maternal'. What's the criteria you use to decide if someone is 'maternal' or not?

denismc · 17-08-2018 4:49pm

Shenshen wrote: »

And we all grew out of it. Well, most of us.
I don't find it that hard to believe that people dislike the noise, mess, smell and general drain on your energy that comes with children. Some people prefer not to be around that.

I can't imagine they would mean them harm, they just don't want any interaction with them.

And to say that children are just people like adults seems to be naive at best. They're not, nor should they be, to be honest.

I never said children are like adults, I said children are people, in the same way that older people are people, they are just in a different demographic to you.
If someone came on here saying they hate old people, disabled people or people of a certain ethnicity imagine the comments.

Taytoland · 17-08-2018 4:54pm

Most men don't know how to look after children, it's just something women are better at and I say leave it to them, they enjoy doing it. I take a similar view on cleaning and general house work and cooking, women are better than men at all those things, it's part of the evolutionary process.

Malayalam · 17-08-2018 4:56pm

Taytoland wrote: »

Most men don't know how to look after children, it's just something women are better at and I say leave it to them, they enjoy doing it. I take a similar view on cleaning and general house work and cooking, women are better than men at all those things, it's part of the evolutionary process.

I'm laughing at ya, though I should be giving you a good kick, but what you say is exactly like something one of my brothers would say in all innocence and sincerity. Go on outta that.

17-08-2018 5:00pm

Taytoland wrote: »

Most men don't know how to look after children, it's just something women are better at and I say leave it to them, they enjoy doing it. I take a similar view on cleaning and general house work and cooking, women are better than men at all those things, it's part of the evolutionary process.

Is that you boyfriend? :pac:

My lad thinks looking after a baby is very much the woman's job and he isn't really needed until the child gets a little older. Jaysus where did I find him at all.

Taytoland · 17-08-2018 5:03pm

Deleted User wrote: »

Taytoland wrote: »

Most men don't know how to look after children, it's just something women are better at and I say leave it to them, they enjoy doing it. I take a similar view on cleaning and general house work and cooking, women are better than men at all those things, it's part of the evolutionary process.

Is that you boyfriend? :pac:

My lad thinks looking after a baby is very much the woman's job and he isn't really needed until the child gets a little older. Jaysus where did I find him at all.

Women changing the nappy is much quicker and efficient, they know what they are doing generally. Men just want the lad to get older so they can go fishing or paint balling or playing football or if it's a girl buy lots of pink toys to keep them happy and then money when older.
Men just want to finish the work week and get the beers in for the football at the weekend.

17-08-2018 5:05pm

Taytoland wrote: »

Women changing the nappy is much quicker and efficient, they know what they are doing generally. Men just want the lad to get older so they can go fishing or paint balling or playing football or if it's a girl buy lots of pink toys to keep them happy and then money when older.
Men just want to finish the work week and get the beers in for the football at the weekend.

I almost thought there for a second that you were him until you got to the beer and football bit

17-08-2018 5:06pm

Taytoland wrote: »

Women changing the nappy is much quicker and efficient, they know what they are doing generally. Men just want the lad to get older so they can go fishing or paint balling or playing football or if it's a girl buy lots of pink toys to keep them happy and then money when older.
Men just want to finish the work week and get the beers in for the football at the weekend.

Is it 1975 where you live?

So, so, so many stereotypes.

....... · 17-08-2018 5:12pm

Malayalam wrote: »

Especially if they have that thousand yard stare and are picking their nose and absentmindedly eating their snots at the same time? Ahhhhhh :P

A (maternal) friend of mine forced her child to kiss me good bye before and he had snot dripping off and all over his upper lip.

I didnt have the heart to refuse so I allowed him to kiss me and when I drove off I stopped round the corner and vomited out the car door.

I never told her. But I think it damaged me.

Malayalam · 17-08-2018 5:14pm

....... wrote: »

A (maternal) friend of mine forced her child to kiss me good bye before and he had snot dripping off and all over his upper lip.

I didnt have the heart to refuse so I allowed him to kiss me and when I drove off I stopped round the corner and vomited out the car door.

I never told her. But I think it damaged me.

17-08-2018 5:15pm

....... wrote: »

A (maternal) friend of mine forced her child to kiss me good bye before and he had snot dripping off and all over his upper lip.

I didnt have the heart to refuse so I allowed him to kiss me and when I drove off I stopped round the corner and vomited out the car door.

I never told her. But I think it damaged me.

It's only sauce!

fxotoole · 17-08-2018 5:18pm

Hector Bellend wrote: »

But they have kids.

Why didnt they pack rubber so to speak

Children's allowance
Working Family Payment
One Parent Family Payment

....to name but a few reasons

LirW · 17-08-2018 5:22pm

I am probably a maternal person, same as my partner who is quite paternal.
I simply love caring and raising my children, the older they get, the cooler it all gets in my opinion. Wouldn't wanna be without them.

That said though I hate the general mentality when it comes to anything child related, you can't do it right. That really gets to me.
I totally see why people have no interest in rearing children, it's not for everyone and that's perfectly fine. I don't like when people are judged for their decisions.
Then on the other hand I'm also annoyed by the kids-free brigade that seem to have nothing else on their mind but complaining about children and pointing out how amazing it is to not have them. It's the exact same level of annoyance that parents show that have this deep urge to tell everyone about their super-amazing sprogs. As much as you don't care about my children I don't care about your decision to stay child-free.

Also just because I have two, doesn't mean I want to have 8 more. I'm fine with two, I don't want more than them, I'm glad to see them grow up but they'll be gone at some point and if I built my life around them I'm in for a bad shock when they grow up.
Nowadays we have so many options and choices and I find that great.

My dad's mother is a horrible non-maternal lady, full blown narcissist and they had children because it was the bucket list. She resented the kid for not being and doing exactly what they planned for him, she resented it all for giving up her career that she loved. She didn't have a say back then in the 60s. The outcome of this whole clusterfcuk was quite bad and I am not particularly fond of her.

gw80 · 17-08-2018 5:22pm

I don't know about all that maternal, paternal stuff. ( I am male) but I had my eldest son when I was young, 18 or 19 I think, it was hard having to give up some of my freedoms and lose out on things but now that he is 18 himself now the joy I get from embarrassing him in front of his friends,
Worth the wait.

I suppose you could say I am trying to mess up his time as an 18 year old like he messed up my time as an 18 year old.

suicide_circus · 17-08-2018 5:26pm

it's a big call to say "i know my bloodline has survived disease, war, famine, accidents, wild animals and natural disasters over hundreds of millennia and countless generations but do you know what? the line stops here with me. kids don't fit my lifestyle so I'm putting a stop to the legacy of my ancestors."
if you have brothers and sisters who have kids then it's different I suppose.

Malayalam · 17-08-2018 5:39pm

I think a good way to develop some empathy for children even if they are being rotten little fecks in the supermarket etc is to realise that up until the age of about 7 they are on a really long psychedelic trip, they have arrived at a crazy planet through no fault of their own, every experience is like an extended hallucination and some of them are having really bad trips.

LirW · 17-08-2018 5:52pm

Malayalam wrote: »

I think a good way to develop some empathy for children even if they are being rotten little fecks in the supermarket etc is to realise that up until the age of about 7 they are on a really long psychedelic trip, they have arrived at a crazy planet through no fault of their own, every experience is like an extended hallucination and some of them are having really bad trips.

Whenever I see a kid flipping it in public I mostly feel sorry for the parents. I know you have everyone around who's "get that kid under control" but honestly we've all been in the situation where the kid has a meltdown because the bread pack colour is suddenly red and not blue and start crying like Winnie Pooh died. You as the parent are standing next to it with a half filled basket, you need food so you don't Starve to death and now you wonder why it cries and how you can make it stop (Spoiler: for the next 5 minutes nothing on this planet will make it stop).
In that moment everyone hates you, all the people around you and the kid hates you and you probably hate yourself for putting yourself in that situation by having a quick ride a few years ago.

Agricola · 17-08-2018 6:12pm

I'd imagine for a lot of non maternal women, possibly career women to boot, it is a box ticking exercise. If you are out to have the model life, not having kids is always going to be a sort of black mark against you.

But something which hasn't been mentioned here very much is that kids are an insurance policy against loneliness and other hardships in old age.
An elderly neighbour of mine lost her husband suddenly when they were both in their late 60's. She's a quiet, reserved woman who has her own interests but wouldn't be one for being involved in local community stuff and both of them were teetotallers.
I keep her stocked up with firewood for the winter and she has mentioned to me how lucky she feels to have two grown children and lots of grand children who she can call on. Her sons in law do a lot of work around the place she would otherwise have to pay to get done, she has a selection of people who can take her to things and she's never alone at tough times like Christmas. Thinking about it, her life would be fairly lonely if she'd hadn't had kids. Friends are great, but you can only ask so much of them tbh.

Has to be another major reason why those not really "wired" to have kids, decide to go ahead with it.

Taytoland · 17-08-2018 6:14pm

Kids from like 3-6 months are a nightmare, only enjoyable when they develop some character and little traits. It's as good as owning a baby doll when they are just out of the womb.

17-08-2018 6:18pm

Taytoland wrote: »

Kids from like 3-6 months are a nightmare, only enjoyable when they develop some character and little traits. It's as good as owning a baby doll when they are just out of the womb.

They are absolute sponges at that tiny age. In simple terms how they are parented then sets the map for later life.

Malayalam · 17-08-2018 6:19pm

Taytoland wrote: »

Kids from like 3-6 months are a nightmare, only enjoyable when they develop some character and little traits. It's as good as owning a baby doll when they are just out of the womb.

Lookit Tayto me pal, if you keep this up you are going to come back next life as a super fertile buxom lassie who gets pregnant at the mere touch of a trouser leg. You will have epic periods, apocalyptic thrush and 15 children before you know what happened to you

And your poor arse will sag to the back of your knees. Careful now.

Taytoland · 17-08-2018 6:19pm

Deleted User wrote: »

Taytoland wrote: »

Kids from like 3-6 months are a nightmare, only enjoyable when they develop some character and little traits. It's as good as owning a baby doll when they are just out of the womb.

They are absolute sponges at that tiny age. In simple terms how they are parented then sets the map for later life.

Leave the woman to do it at that age. It's too hard.

17-08-2018 6:39pm

Taytoland wrote: »

Leave the woman to do it at that age. It's too hard.

Jaysus

LirW · 17-08-2018 6:45pm

Ah when they are really tiny they're grad, they start being horrible when they start moving, your second home it Temple Street A&E then and it only gets better when they start going to school. They're hilarious though.

Shenshen · 17-08-2018 7:28pm

denismc wrote: »

I never said children are like adults, I said children are people, in the same way that older people are people, they are just in a different demographic to you.
If someone came on here saying they hate old people, disabled people or people of a certain ethnicity imagine the comments.

There's very few older people or people of a different background that would be as intrusive on total strangers as children would be. If older people were associated with wailing and crying, bumping into people on the streets or in supermarkets because they're not paying attention while running up and down and generally creating mess, I wouldn't be surprised at all if people announced that they didn't like them, either.
Or if we ever came across a different ethnicity that behaved in that way.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 17-08-2018 7:39pm

So you've seen this a lot? Beyond the one woman on another forum here whose thread you responded to angrily?

Bit easier to make the vague claims and generalistations on AH isn't it. I'm sure you know a bunch of non-maternal women who deliberately started families though, you're just not the kind of guy who makes "why are women so shít and annoying" threads at all at all.

sightband · 17-08-2018 7:44pm

Taytoland wrote: »

Kids from like 3-6 months are a nightmare, only enjoyable when they develop some character and little traits. It's as good as owning a baby doll when they are just out of the womb.

You don’t have kids. Mines four and he’s a f*ckin nightmare now and it grows day by day. 3-6 months he just slept all day,

Dunno how many of these threads I’ve read on boards and journal articles. Ad nauseam you’ve the bragging mid forties executive female ceo of some multinational whose eggs have long since dried and shrivelled up yet she’s hell bent on letting us know how life is perfect with travel and money and then on the other hand you’ve the ex full time mad bastard borderline alcoholic male of the same age group bragging about how his life has been transformed since fatherhood and he is now completely content with being a fat lad who eats take aways and watches netflix and sky sports between trips to the playground. Boring as f*ck listening to both of them.

There’s pros and cons to both, it’s as simple as that.

notsoyoungwan · 17-08-2018 7:52pm

Agricola wrote: »

But something which hasn't been mentioned here very much is that kids are an insurance policy against loneliness and other hardships in old age.

Far from it, actually. I work with the elderly and see so many people who don’t see or hear from their (adult) kids from one end of the year to the next. There’s no guarantee whatsoever that the kids will stick around- they might head off to Australia and settle there, or they may be around but not be dependable in any shape or form. Loneliness is a big problem for many elderly people, even if they have families.

Plus, having kids so that you won’t be lonely in your old age, and putting the expectation on the kids that they’ll stick around to be that support is incredibly selfish.

DEFTLEFTHAND · 17-08-2018 7:59pm

I suppose having one changes everything. Same thing for men.

I wouldn't have viewed myself as being paternal in any shape or form before having a kid. Now I couldn't imagine not being a father.

BuboBubo · 17-08-2018 8:16pm

....... wrote: »

A (maternal) friend of mine forced her child to kiss me good bye before and he had snot dripping off and all over his upper lip.

I didnt have the heart to refuse so I allowed him to kiss me and when I drove off I stopped round the corner and vomited out the car door.

I never told her. But I think it damaged me.

Nooo, you should have used the "oops I need the loo, gotta run - bye bye" excuse.

A sticky small kid once put it's sticky hand into a bag of Haribo and plonked one on the kitchen table in front of me (a particularly drooly sticky child, bless it) It's mother coooed "oooh you're lucky he never gives anyone his sweets". Bleurgh! Did the mother really think I'd eat that... seriously. Or the ones who make fairy cakes - "ooh the kids helped" nope nope nope... bleugh!

I'm not maternal.

I don't have kids, nor should I!

spookwoman · 17-08-2018 8:25pm

BuboBubo wrote: »

Nooo, you should have used the "oops I need the loo, gotta run - bye bye" excuse.

A sticky small kid once put it's sticky hand into a bag of Haribo and plonked one on the kitchen table in front of me (a particularly drooly sticky child, bless it) It's mother coooed "oooh you're lucky he never gives anyone his sweets". Bleurgh! Did the mother really think I'd eat that... seriously. Or the ones who make fairy cakes - "ooh the kids helped" nope nope nope... bleugh!

I'm not maternal.

I don't have kids, nor should I!

I remember my mother babysitting a friends kid and he sh*t its nappy. She had to call the neighbour in to change it becuase every time she went near him and got the smell she started to throw up lol. I'd be the same I'd start retching if some kid handed me a sweet with sticky snotty hands. Not 1 bit maternal here

meeeeh · 17-08-2018 8:50pm

I decided to have kids just to increase the quality of general population. It's a gift to the humanity. Being maternal is irrelevant.

DaeryssaOne · 17-08-2018 10:17pm

Agricola wrote: »

But something which hasn't been mentioned here very much is that kids are an insurance policy against loneliness and other hardships in old age.

That is such an incredibly selfish reason to have kids especially if you don’t particularly want them in the first place. Why put yourself through 20 years of something you never really wanted on the off chance they’ll provide some decent company when you’re older?!

wexie · 17-08-2018 10:21pm

professore wrote: »

At least for a man who isn't paternal he doesn't have to go through 9 months of pregnancy etc and often will do it for his wife's sake because she wants kids.

Neither do women if they've enough cash, distant relative 'bought' (surrogacy) 3 kids in the US. Never mind 'too posh to push' with the right funding you can be 'too push to have to do it the icky way like the plebs'.

There's 3 kids that are going to make a psychologist very wealthy

professore · 18-08-2018 9:28am

....... wrote: »

Agreed.

I see far more men who had no interest in children having them and being quite miserable disinterested fathers - for the first few years anyway.

I think most men have to fake interest in the baby stage. I had to personally. I had a vague idea I wanted kids some day. It was my wife who really wanted kids, and she is maternal.

It all changed for me when they start to develop personalities.

There are also men who are forced into a marriage by societal pressures "make an honest woman of her" or become accidental fathers as a result of a one night stand. It's not very surprising these men often don't make very good fathers.

andekwarhola · 18-08-2018 9:33am

Being 'not maternal' (add 'population' for double score) is one of those cliches bandied around boards by twenty somethings until they drop sprogs themselves and then descend on smacking threads and the parents forum in a moralistic mass.

Women who are "not maternal" having kids

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