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I’m a mess

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  • 14-05-2019 9:52pm
    #1
    Seansouth03
    Registered Users Posts: 5 ✭


    I’m a long time lurker around here and set up and account this evening..

    Looking for some advice here..

    In a relationship with a girl for over 2 yrs.. we would have known each other for about 7yrs.. we live about 2 hours away from each other.

    Anyway we were blessed with a beautiful baby girl about 3 weeks ago. The thing is I’m finding it very difficult settling in her town.

    I have my own house and ok job. She has her own house and a good job. I know nobody where she is living.

    When we decided about having a baby I wasn’t thinking straight and I didn’t look at the future arrangements i.e living arrangements etc.

    I’m lucky my job is flexible enough as in I can work from home and on the road a bit.
    I’ve gone back to work this week..

    I wouldn’t swap our new baby for the world she is amazing.

    But I am feeling very isolated... I know nobody where she is living .. I’m living with her now and she is expecting me to rent out my own house.. I’m actually really dreading the fact of moving. I’m leaving all my friends everything I know.

    I’ve tried talking to my partner about this but she is just saying move down.. to be honest I’m feeling guilty aswell cause I don’t want to be away from our daughter.

    I know I shouldn’t have known what I was getting into. I do have assertiveness issues as in I find it hard sometimes to stand up for myself.

    I’m not even sure I want to be in a relationship but I want to be there for our daughter. I’m not going to be an absent father or anything like that.

    I feel really guilty leaving her for a night or 2 as I have to go back for work.

    I don’t think i actually love this girl anymore. I’m afraid about what her family my family etc will say if we do break up..

    The only thing i know is that I’m really unhappy here but I am really happy I have a beautiful daughter who I’m going to be there for every step of the way as she goes through life.

    Sorry if it seems all over the place

    Even writing this has made me see things a bit more clearly


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    #2
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    You have worked yourself up into a right lather here and maybe you're seeing trouble where there is none.

    Moving away from your home area can be traumatic, especially if you're close to your family and friends. But it doesn't have to be the end of the world. With help from your girlfriend, you can start a new life for yourself in her area. Just about everyone who moves to another area doesn't know anybody at the start but if they make an effort to get to know people, things improve. You didn't mention your girlfriend's family or friends at all. Have you got any sort of relationship with them?

    It is a concern that you're belatedly getting stressed out over your relationship with your girlfriend. Is some of this mixed up with panic over what you've got yourself into here (i.e. the reality of having to move and becoming a father). Why have you decided you don't love her? When did these feelings start? Has all of these doubts come to a head since she started pushing you to move?


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    #3
    VegetaIRL8e
    Registered Users Posts: 92 ✭✭VegetaIRL8e


    First off congrats on baby girl.
    Long term boardsie but I'll go slightly unreg for this. That's a long and tough one mate. I cant say I envy your situation but I can tell you, you're not the first or last person to be in a situation exactly or somewhat similar to that.

    You need to break these things down in your head and separate them out if you can.
    -living arrangements.
    -new baby girl.
    -relationship with partner.

    Dealing with the obvious one so far. You seem to love your new daughter very much and she will love you. You dont seem like a guy that will run away from your responsibility with her and to do with her, so well done on that. Be there for her, do what you can as much as you can for now and just make sure the mother, family and friends see you want to be part of your new girls life.

    The living arrangements..try and see things differently if you had friends and family around you down there would it make a difference? If mother and baby were where you lived would that make a difference?

    The relationship, are these feelings new or have they always been there.....did you have any of these fears or things bother you before you guys found out that ye were going to be parents? What you need to understand are these feelings situational with new baby and the isolation.....or is it at the core someone you just never or could never have seen a future with.

    I hope the above helps and maybe can get you to focus on certain questions you need to figure out. Best of luck and keep us posted here.


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    #4
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    Seansouth03 wrote: »
    I don’t think i actually love this girl anymore. I’m afraid about what her family my family etc will say if we do break up..

    If you break up with her, your family will most likely back you to the hilt. You are ultimately an adult man capable of making his own decisions. Why are you afraid of what your family thinks? Her family won't be your biggest fans but would it matter if you're exiting an unhappy relationship?

    You said you have assertiveness issues and that's coming through here. Who decided to have a baby? Why do you have to move? Would your girlfriend be open to moving to where you're from if you continue to be unhappy where you are? Does she listen to and value your opinions?


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    #5
    WrigleysExtra
    Registered Users Posts: 138 ✭✭WrigleysExtra


    Do yourself a favour and tell her you're not moving to her town, end the relationship and come to some agreement on visiting your kid. You will thank yourself in the long run.


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    #6
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,778 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Good point by Ursus. Is your gf working? I know she's on maternity leave at the moment but does she intend returning to work? This is the perfect time for her to move to your area. It will give you both time to see how things are working. Although having a baby before you've ever lived together possibly wasn't the wisest decision. Now you have to try get used to living together for the first time and settling with a new baby.

    But, if you are still working in your home area, and she isn't working it makes more sense for the moment for you all to live in your area. You can continue working and over the next few months see where is going to work best for you all as a family.


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    #7
    PARlance
    Registered Users Posts: 21,096 ✭✭✭✭PARlance


    Surprised at the advice so far. I wouldn't be so flippant about leaving a mother and daughter to fend for themselves.

    You're a big boy now OP, you have brought a child into the world. You're not moving half way around the world either, your friends and family are only a 2 hour drive away and there's plenty of ways to keep in contact. As we grow older and have families, we tend to see original friends less and less, even if in the same town.

    As your daughter grows up, you'll start to meet loads and loads of new potential friends... parents of her classmates, other parents at sports etc... there's lots of waiting around and reasons to get involved/meet people.

    You mention you mightn't love the mother of your child. If that's the case then it'll be unhealthy for your daughter but it reads that your just panicking about the move and that may be forcing you to say that. I.e You don't give any reasons, just a throwaway line.

    My initial reaction would be to grow up and man up. I say that with some compassion, it can be a bit of a rollercoaster when a child enters the equation.


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    #8
    PARlance
    Registered Users Posts: 21,096 ✭✭✭✭PARlance


    Big Bag of Chips wrote: »
    Good point by Ursus. Is your gf working? I know she's on maternity leave at the moment but does she intend returning to work? This is the perfect time for her to move to your area. It will give you both time to see how things are working. Although having a baby before you've ever lived together possibly wasn't the wisest decision. Now you have to try get used to living together for the first time and settling with a new baby.

    But, if you are still working in your home area, and she isn't working it makes more sense for the moment for you all to live in your area. You can continue working and over the next few months see where is going to work best for you all as a family.

    While it might seem like that, a man will invariably find it easier to change job if needed. It shouldn't be the case, but some employers will be seeing a woman who has just started a family and can discriminate against her. Also, a bit of flexibility is needed from employers in the first few years, much better/more likely that she'll get that from a long term employer than a new one.

    OP has stated that she has a good job and that he has an OK job. I don't think a change is necessarily needed (he can work from home and is on the road)... but if so, logic would say it should be him to look for another.


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    #9
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,778 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Yes, but for the next 6 months while they find their feet and decide what to do longterm, they don't HAVE to live in her area.

    She's off work at the moment. She can temporarily move to you, OP. You can continue to work, and find your feet as a coupe living together for the first time, and then when the time comes for her to return to work decide what to do next.

    Any decision taken at any time doesn't have to be permanent.


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    #10
    farmchoice
    Registered Users Posts: 1,026 ✭✭✭farmchoice


    you have one priority in your life now, your child. for now you suck it up and get on with it.

    having a baby is overwhelming for all concerned but you have to grow up now and take on your responsibilities.

    give it at least a year and see how you feel then, do not walk out on your partner and infant child you will regret it for the rest of your life, it will define you for the rest of your life.


    for ever more the mention of your name will be followed by ''the fella who left his missus and 3 week old baby''


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    #11
    Kenny B
    Registered Users Posts: 165 ✭✭Kenny B


    It seems to me that the easiest thing is to do is stay at home and in turn miss out on a proper relationship with your kid,

    If you fully commit to where your New family live, you might actually find it easier to make friends and build a life there. You have doubts, but without throwing yourself in to that new life, all that is holding you back is some fear.

    In 5/10 years time when you are external to the kids life, it'll be too late, immerse yourself in them and the place, if in a year/2/3/5 it's not where You want to be, then walk, but not trying is the real problem.

    Give it a proper lash I say.


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    #12
    PARlance
    Registered Users Posts: 21,096 ✭✭✭✭PARlance


    Big Bag of Chips wrote: »
    Yes, but for the next 6 months while they find their feet and decide what to do longterm, they don't HAVE to live in her area.

    She's off work at the moment. She can temporarily move to you, OP. You can continue to work, and find your feet as a coupe living together for the first time, and then when the time comes for her to return to work decide what to do next.

    Any decision taken at any time doesn't have to be permanent.

    Fair point re a temporary move being an option but I really just see it as kicking a can down the road. Probably safe to assume the mother has "nested" at this stage, I wouldn't be putting her in a situation of uncertainty and unnecessary hassle at this stage. I would imagine most new mothers would hate the thought of it and it would be a very selfish request from the OP imo. The time for organising any such move was months before the child was born.


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    #13
    LolaJJ
    Registered Users Posts: 289 ✭✭LolaJJ


    OP...This is a whole lot of huge life events happening at once.

    A baby

    A big move

    Co-Habiting

    It's not weird that you are freaking out.

    I imagine the only logical solution for you as a couple was to move to her place or OP would have made an alternative case for why they decided to live with her.

    Also, presumably, while she is on mat leave she wants to be close to her family and friends.

    When I moved in with my partner it was 40 mins further away from everything to me, I had to join a new gym, had a longer commute to work and to my family...and I found it really hard. At times I was a little resentful and waited 3 months before renting out my own place because i loved it so much but ultimately i've now settled and although the traffic pisses me off, I'm happy. But it was a huge adjustment...so you're dealing with that on a larger scale times 3.

    Let's be fair to her for a moment....I think it's most women's absolute worst nightmare to have a child and end up single almost immeadiately, I'm not saying you should stay in an unhappy relationship but I think you owe it to your partner and your daughter to give it every last chance before contemplating running.

    Maybe open up to your partner and tell her you're finding it all a little overwhelming and you might hold off on renting your place until you feel a bit more settled. Also let her know that she is safe and will be supported no matter what the outcome.


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    #14
    meeeeh
    Registered Users Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    Birth of a child is just about the most stressful time for a couple. In your case you also moved to completely different area. I would advise against breaking up straight away but I wouldn't rent out your house just yet.

    While you need support your girlfriend will probably carry heavier burden caring for your daughter, it would be harder for her to move to an area she doesn't know. Also you feel isolated, some of that will be due to having children. Even if you all moved to your area the time for your friends will be limited when your daughter is young. It's also not unusual for fathers to be overwhelmed by a birth of the child.

    Maybe you should talk to a gp to see if someone can help you to cope with situation a bit better. At the moment I get the impression you are running around like a headless chicken. I don't mean that as an insult it seems to me like your mind is racing into ten different directions. Try to establish some routine, maybe stay in your house one or two nights per week, go to work and talk to your friends. Small children are hard work and burden on your girlfriend will increase but it's preferable to making rash decision before you are able to actually fully comprehend changes in your life.

    Good luck. But remember the parenthood does get easier after a few months.


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    #15
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    You say you want to be there for your daughter and be a good father but you’d rather live two hours away from her than two hours away from your friends?

    This isn’t a teenager with an established relationship with you that you can put in a bus. Being a father to a young baby involves hours and hours of daily work. You need to be there, not once a week for a few hours but in the middle of the night.

    If you don’t want to live with your girlfriend fine (but yes, plenty of people including your own family will look down on you for leaving someone who has done nothing wrong 3 weeks after she had a baby). But you can’t leave your daughter and moving back to be close to your friends IS leaving her. Stay nearby.


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    #16
    Goodigal
    Registered Users Posts: 457 ✭✭Goodigal


    OP it sounds like you decided to have a baby, and while all those pregnancy months were passing, neither of you made a big decision to cohabit and discuss what would actually happen when the baby arrived. You have to prioritise fatherhood over your family & friends for now. You have your own little family now. As others said, don't be the guy who leaves a girl with a new baby behind because he got cold feet. You both decided to be parents, and it's truly the hardest job in the world. At least try to make it work before walking back to your place and not being there for your daughter every day.


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    #17
    lainey_d_123
    Registered Users Posts: 2,385 ✭✭✭lainey_d_123


    PARlance wrote: »
    Surprised at the advice so far. I wouldn't be so flippant about leaving a mother and daughter to fend for themselves.

    I'm not. This 'me feiner' mentality has slowly seeped into society and it's now widely accepted for people to leave a woman to cope alone with a new born baby because the father has decided he can't really be arsed with being a parent and he'd rather just think about himself.

    OP, with all due respect, it sounds like you need to grow up here. You have a child now, and responsibilities. It is supremely selfish to decide you don't really feel like moving because you have no friends there when you have a tiny child and a partner who will have to manage alone. Stop thinking about yourself and your needs and put your new born child and your partner first. You might not end up staying together in the long term, but you absolutely have a duty to give it your best shot now. Your excuses are really feeble, honestly.


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    #18
    Alrigghtythen
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,365 ✭✭✭Alrigghtythen


    Would you both consider selling both houses and moving to the middle, an hour from each?


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    #19
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP I was you ten years ago, had a baby with a girl I was seeing but wasn’t sure about long term. It happens. I was filled with all the same doubts you are now. I stayed for the sake of the child who i loved dearly. We got married and had another child. All the while I knew I was with the wrong person but just went with it. Seems crazy reading back what I’ve just written.

    I don’t love my wife, I wish I did but I really don’t and we continue to grow apart as people even though on the face of it we are a nice couple who have it all, good income, nice house, lovely kids etc. There is no real love in the marriage and we both know it but we don’t really fight either. It’s almost like we live relatively content separate lives while maintaining this charade to the world. If the children weren’t there and we didn’t have the mortgage etc I’d be gone long ago. The kids keep me going, my wife has little interest in parenting if I’m honest and spends her free time staring in to her phone so a lot of the day to day stuff is left to me.

    I wouldn’t advise leaving your partner lightly but make damn sure she is the one if you intend on staying. Yes people will judge you for a brief period of time if you leave her but it’s better than spending the rest of your life in a dead relationship with the wrong person. Obviously be sure that your daughter is well cared for whatever you decide and be there for her.

    If I had my time back knowing what I know now I’d have left and probably sought custody of my son as I’m not sure my now wife would have resisted and I have much better means than her to raise a child. Everyone’s situation is different of course.


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    #20
    Seansouth03
    Registered Users Posts: 5 ✭Seansouth03


    Op here..

    Thanks for all your replies.
    As I said in my original post I'm not going to be an absent father.. regardless of what happens with my relationship with her mother I'm not going to be an absent father..

    I also don't want to be in a situation in 10 yrs time like the previous poster.

    About the comments about maning up !! I'm sorry now I'm doing everything I can do.. I'm not abandoning anyone. If someone becomes uphappy in a relationship does not mean the child will not get the love and affection and the child now is priority..


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    #21
    Sardonicat
    Registered Users Posts: 12,378 ✭✭✭✭Sardonicat


    You are contemplating a wanker move. No point in sugar coating it. Love and affection don't cut the mustard at 3 weeks old. If you are pulling your weight with the baby you shouldn't have time for your mates right now.

    You've been hit by reality, don't like it and want to bail. It's not about you anymore. It's not even about you and your partner anymore. Grow up !


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    #22
    The_Honeybadger
    Registered Users Posts: 4,155 ✭✭✭The_Honeybadger


    Sardonicat wrote: »
    You are contemplating a wanker move. No point in sugar coating it. Love and affection don't cut the mustard at 3 weeks old. If you are pulling your weight with the baby you shouldn't have time for your mates right now.

    You've been hit by reality, don't like it and want to bail. It's not about you anymore. It's not even about you and your partner anymore. Grow up !

    Rubbish. What about his partner? Is it fair to stay with her if they are not right for each other? Does she not deserve a chance to meet somebody long term and be happy? It not 1950 here. Lots of separated parents raise great kids. He can still be a very active and fantastic parent if they separate. It takes a lot of effort but it can be done.


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    #23
    Sardonicat
    Registered Users Posts: 12,378 ✭✭✭✭Sardonicat


    He can't be an active parent to a 3 week old if he's living hours away. That's just a fact. It's not the same as a couple splitting up after the kids are a few years old. He waits for the child to be born before realising he doesn't want to be with his partner? Rubbish! He's a man child who doesn't want the responsibility of parenthood. He just wants the love and affection part. And he wants his mommy and his mates.


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    #24
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    You've known your gf for 7 years in total. Ample time to have made a mature rational decision about your feelings for her before deciding to have a child with her.
    How do you foresee the future exactly?
    Dating new girls with the intro "I split up with my postpartum gf who had 3 week old baby cos I wasn't really feeling it"?
    What happens if you need a new gf who lives 2+ hours away from you,& if they live in the opposite direction from your flesh& blood? How do you say "I'm happy to leave my friends to live with you, but I didn't want to try relocating (even as a single man) to be next to my child".
    It's great to have friends. Love friends. But they see a filtered version of you,& vice versa. You don't live together 24/7. Maybe the true ones will risk your wrath & tell you straight up what they make of this. But more than likely they'll softsoap you with platitudes like "Oh if you weren't happy...."
    But look, your mind is clearly made up.
    It's going to be a hard road& a gamble but hopefully it all be worth it in the pursuit of happiness. Only time will tell


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    #25
    The_Honeybadger
    Registered Users Posts: 4,155 ✭✭✭The_Honeybadger


    Sardonicat wrote: »
    He can't be an active parent to a 3 week old if he's living hours away. That's just a fact. It's not the same as a couple splitting up after the kids are a few years old. He waits for the child to be born before realising he doesn't want to be with his partner? Rubbish! He's a man child who doesn't want the responsibility of parenthood. He just wants the love and affection part. And he wants his mommy and his mates.

    He probably should give it a go and see if it can work with his partner but I don’t think the opening post sounds good for their long term prospects. The needs of the child are paramount of course. That said the country is full of couples who stayed together for the sake of their children and it’s debatable in most cases whether the children benefit.

    Op I don’t know if I missed this but is there any reason she cannot rent her house and move in with you? She will be off work for a while presumably and it would mean less travelling time for you to and from work?


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    #26
    Seansouth03
    Registered Users Posts: 5 ✭Seansouth03


    The_Honeybadger wrote: »
    He probably should give it a go and see if it can work with his partner but I don’t think the opening post sounds good for their long term prospects. The needs of the child are paramount of course. That said the country is full of couples who stayed together for the sake of their children and it’s debatable in most cases whether the children benefit.

    Op I don’t know if I missed this but is there any reason she cannot rent her house and move in with you? She will be off work for a while presumably and it would mean less travelling time for you to and from work?

    We spoke about that and she said no way... This is her home and her family is around here..

    That would obviously be an ideal sceranio on a temporary basis but it's not a runner


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    #27
    Seansouth03
    Registered Users Posts: 5 ✭Seansouth03


    Sardonicat wrote: »
    You are contemplating a wanker move. No point in sugar coating it. Love and affection don't cut the mustard at 3 weeks old. If you are pulling your weight with the baby you shouldn't have time for your mates right now.

    You've been hit by reality, don't like it and want to bail. It's not about you anymore. It's not even about you and your partner anymore. Grow up !

    This is not about growing up this is not about meeting mates or anything like that.. and as for looking to bail. I'm never going to be out of my child's life.

    So do you think both parents shouldn't be happy? Cause I'm certainly of the belief that my partner is finding it difficult too but she won't admit...


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    #28
    The_Honeybadger
    Registered Users Posts: 4,155 ✭✭✭The_Honeybadger


    Seansouth03 wrote: »
    We spoke about that and she said no way... This is her home and her family is around here..

    That would obviously be an ideal sceranio on a temporary basis but it's not a runner

    Ok at the risk of prying what does this mean for your work situation? Does it leave you with a 2 hour commute? I’ve been there and done that and trust me it’s not sustainable.


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    #29
    frogstar
    Registered Users Posts: 709 ✭✭✭frogstar


    Please don't ask your gf to move to your town.. She needs support and it sounds like she will only get this from family. While yes you say you will be there for baby, who will be there for the mother? She has gone through the most traumatic time of her life and is extremely vulnerable. Hormones all over place, no sleep feeling totally overwhelmed, worthless,

    It is a dick move to dump her 3 weeks after birth. Yes relationships are important but she needs a break. Imagine given birth and getting dumped. This is the most stressful time of her life. Just kick her while down.

    I'm sorry but I don't think you are considering her at this time. Why plan for a baby of no interest in the mother?


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    #30
    Calltocall
    Registered Users Posts: 340 ✭✭Calltocall


    Hi OP, my view would be that three weeks of having a new baby is too soon to make a decision of leaving, you need to give it more time, things could well improve however I completely disagree that you should just stick it out and be miserable because it’s what’s expected of you rather than what you want with your life, because if it’s not you are heading for a life of unhappiness and resentment which will also impact your partner and your daughter which isn’t fair on anyone, your partner deserves to be with someone that loves her

    The very same thing happened to a once good pal of mine, I’ve lost touch now, he stuck it out even though he didn’t love his partner and moved to a home surrounded by her family this guy was a vibrant full of life guy who was in a long term relationship which was failing then an unplanned pregnancy happened he being the good guy he was redoubled his efforts and focused on loving the child, I saw him a year ago, his child was 6 at this stage, he had ballooned in weight was on anti depressants and was not the same person, he revealed his partner cheated on him because she was unhappy but at the root of all the unhappiness was the simple fact that they were not right for each other and they both knew it but decided to focus on the child, he is a great father but a broken man behind it. Don’t listen to you must stay together for ever for the kids however if it doesn’t work you should be in the vicinity of your daughter so you can successfully co parent. It happens and people work it out but I’d say give it more time than three weeks. Again it’s not the 50’s where people just slogged it out because it’s what society wanted, that didn’t really work out well for many people, repressed feelings, alcoholism for what just to keep up a front, a pretence, life is too short for that bs.


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    #31
    PARlance
    Registered Users Posts: 21,096 ✭✭✭✭PARlance


    lainey_d_123 wrote: »
    I'm not. This 'me feiner' mentality has slowly seeped into society and it's now widely accepted for people to leave a woman to cope alone with a new born baby because the father has decided he can't really be arsed with being a parent and he'd rather just think about himself.

    Too true, we even have people equating an unplanned pregnancy situation to that of the OP. An adult who knew his partner for 5 years before entering a relationship for the last 2 years and agreeing to have a child. 3 weeks after the child arrives and it's very easy to trot out the "I don't think I love her" line and it'll get support.
    Much easier than moving away from his own Mammy and friends, it seems.

    We've gone from one extreme to the other. While it's wasn't healthy for kids growing up in violent & abusive households. We have babies being left to one parent because Daddy doesn't get the butterflies anymore.


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