I’m a mess

Big Bag of Chips

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PARlance, the issues posted about in this forum can often be sensitive and close to the bone for posters. We ask that all replies are to be posted keeping the OP in mind, and offer mature, constructive, civil advice.

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Thanks.

Calltocall

PARlance wrote: »

Too true, we even have people equating an unplanned pregnancy situation to that of the OP. An adult who knew his partner for 5 years before entering a relationship for the last 2 years and agreeing to have a child. 3 weeks after the child arrives and it's very easy to trot out the "I don't think I love her" line and it'll get support.
Much easier than moving away from his own Mammy and friends, it seems.

We've gone from one extreme to the other. While it's wasn't healthy for kids growing up in violent & abusive households. We have babies being left to one parent because Daddy doesn't get the butterflies anymore.

So what’s your solution here, stick together even if it becomes clear that love isn’t there, that’s really going to end well and will eventually lead to anger, embittered feelings, resentment and a highly probable separation in later years etc a great life to look forward to for both parents and the child but hey they stuck it out and did the so called right thing.that’s all that matters.

Sardonicat

Seansouth03 wrote: »

Sardonicat wrote: »

You are contemplating a wanker move. No point in sugar coating it. Love and affection don't cut the mustard at 3 weeks old. If you are pulling your weight with the baby you shouldn't have time for your mates right now.

You've been hit by reality, don't like it and want to bail. It's not about you anymore. It's not even about you and your partner anymore. Grow up !

This is not about growing up this is not about meeting mates or anything like that.. and as for looking to bail. I'm never going to be out of my child's life.

So do you think both parents shouldn't be happy? Cause I'm certainly of the belief that my partner is finding it difficult too but she won't admit...

So when you spilt you're bringing the baby with you?

LegacyUser

OP, it's classic 7 Year itch syndrome.
Read "The Course of Love" by Alain du Botton.

YouTube videos of motivational speaker Tony Robbins- he advises that before throwing in the towel on a relationship, you spend 3 months lovebombing the other person& giving it your absolute all. Only then can you truly honestly say you've tried.

Look up Jordan Peterson.

All 3 men have years upon years of knowledge& experience on life. & they're men, so no bias.

Yellow pack crisps

Maybe you’re in shock OP. Sometimes pregnancies (9 months leading up) can (Not always) seem like a partner has become a different person. You have to remember that it’s a completely new experience for your GF and can play havoc with a person. It’s really normal for a person whose just had a baby to want to be around family for extra support that can be extremely vital for a couple in the first two years. You share a baby now, although I’d never advocate a person staying in something that makes them unhappy, you need too see where the lay of the land stands after the period of adjustment. When you have a baby temporarily you’re social life will take a hit and it can be very lonely for both of you for varying reasons. It sucks having to move, but sometimes we have to compromise ourselves for the greater goood. It really comes down to that you gave it your best shot when your child was born. You’ve known your gf for a good period of time, so you knew the bones of her and you ended up in a relationship with her and ultimately you both conceived a child togeather. If you’re in this state about it, imagine what your GF is going through? Everyone in this situation needs the support and trust of those closest to them. There will be a time to sit and talk to your GF about your issues, it’s not really now though, now is the time to put everything into bringing your child into a loving and nurturing atmosphere. It’s a tough period.

LegacyUser

Research the physical toll pregnancy& childbirth takes on a woman.
Average1.5 - 2 stone weight gain, morning sickness, back pain, hair loss, incontinence, painkillers, insomnia, prolapse, leaking sore nipples, stretch marks, hormones, ect ect. It is a massive massive thing to create a little human inside of you.
Out of kindness& decency alone, would you consider shelving the breakup at least until she is back on her feet emotionally & physically.

LolaJJ

Yea, I have to agree with other posters that running now is a dick move.

You don't just decide to have a child with someone as a "suck it and see" experiment.

You're making a long-term commitment. And, yea, maybe it's not working out the way you had hoped, maybe you feel isolated, maybe you miss your old life

But, you have a baby that's only a few weeks old who deserves better from you. You ending the relationship now, when your partner is nursing a brand new baby is going to absolutely traumatise your partner. Imagine trying to cope with a brand new baby alone whilst also trying to deal with a break up and lose the person who was there to help with that childs care.

Just wait....you might actually grow in to this.

There are plenty of situations in life where you can acceptably decide "this isn't for me" and do a runner. This is not one of those situations

woodchuck

OP I would never advise someone to stay in a loveless relationship. However, I think there is far too much going on for you atm to genuinely know how you're feeling. I imagine having a newborn child is one of the most difficult times in most peoples lives. When you add moving away from your friends/family into the mix, then of course you're going to panic a bit.

But please, do not make any rash decisions right now.

You've been with your partner for years and made a conscious decision to have a baby together. You owe it to your partner and your newborn baby to give this your all before even contemplating throwing in the towel. And that WILL involving moving. I think it would be completely unreasonable to expect her to move to you - she's a first time mother and she needs her support network around her. This is one of the few times in your life when you don't (or shouldn't) have the luxury of being selfish.

JustAThought

woodchuck wrote: »

OP I would never advise someone to stay in a loveless relationship. However, I think there is far too much going on for you atm to genuinely know how you're feeling. I imagine having a newborn child is one of the most difficult times in most peoples lives. When you add moving away from your friends/family into the mix, then of course you're going to panic a bit.

But please, do not make any rash decisions right now.

You've been with your partner for years and made a conscious decision to have a baby together. You owe it to your partner and your newborn baby to give this your all before even contemplating throwing in the towel. And that WILL involving moving. I think it would be completely unreasonable to expect her to move to you - she's a first time mother and she needs her support network around her. This is one of the few times in your life when you don't (or shouldn't) have the luxury of being selfish.

OP you dont have to rent out your house you can keep it free - perhaps your OH sees that if it is available to.retreat.to that.you will spend less.time with her and your baby. You fear.the lonliness.and missing your mates - have you considered that in doing what you are.contemplating that you might lose your friends.and drinking buddies and they will.certainly change what they think of.you and how they view you as a.man. this is 100% certain. Abandoning your long term partner and newborn to.go on the lock or playing sport and hanging out with your mates - everyone .will see this for.what it is and I doubt that yhey will ever think the same about you and that the dynamic including that with their wives and girlfruends will be changed forever. You mentioned beung afraid of what your family will say/think. Yes. You know them and are to.be extremely concerned. As someone else posted - you will forwver be known as the man who abandoned his family and newborn daughter and will ge judged on that forever - no qyestion of that. I doubt that you would ever find it easy to get a date or gf locally after that, nor would any brother or family want to see you dating their daughter. You asked for an honest perspective.
No doubt the shock of moving out and away and the lack of independence and control is frightening but the rewards and love of your little daughter are great. Try and find a solution that will help. Cater a BBQ for your friends and ask them over for a welcome party to meet your child. Dont put the catering on your gf! Get her friends over too for the BBQ so you can get to know them a bit. Organise for a monthly weekend out back in your area so you wont feel so isolated from your friends. Organise a specific evening a week out back at home with your friends so yoy keep that important link. And do the same for.your gf so she can have a night out with her friends and you can relax and own the place a little and share some joy with your daughter. It might seem overwhelming but there are specific strategic ways to keep your friends, love your daughter and help your gf and your new family unit without panicing and destroying your reputation,losing and splitting your old friends apart,scandalising your family and abandoning your baby. Find a way to make it work and plough on through this turmoil and first few difficult weeks - be manly and step up - dont run away. You will find a pathway yhat dosn't isolate you,allows you to keep your manhood and friends and love your little daughter and have a future with her in it.

Mr. Incognito

Hi there mate.

Firstly, congratulations on the baby. Babys are awesome and your life will be forever changed.

You are looking at leaving one life for another. At present you have a nice gig. A missus 2 hours away. The lads around and living the single life while having a gf down the road.

I'm 37. I've lived that life for 20 years. I also had a son in the middle of it who is now 14. He's doing great with his Mom and her husband and I get him every weekend and holidays. I knew at 22 I wasnt ready to grow up so I didnt try. I was honest about it and the consequence is that I have a pretty good relationship but I am not his Dad. I am a biological buddy. His mother's husband is his Dad. He's the person who is there every day.

Recently, a person came into my life who made me re-examine those priorities. She pushed me into therapy and addiction treatment and out of the fantasies in my head and into reality. And that's been really hard man. Even with all that support I am still freaking out when we are planning to move 50 metres up the road. No kiding. Full on melt down. I didnt want to leave my apartment in the middle of town with all the great amenities and the single life memories when I had not a care in the world. I did the entire- well maybe I dont love her dance and I would be better off alone. I didnt want to leave my TV behind- no joke. I said this. Rational thought is not our friend when we are feeling isolated and afraid.

What got me out of that spin is sitting down with her and saying, I am ****ing terrified. I am terrified that I will screw it up and I'm alone without any supports. Its fear, its real and its irrational. I dont know your story. I dont know what your go to is to cope. It could be alcohol, sex, videogames, your mates, writing, music etc. We all have our own adult soothers. I do know that going from living on your own where you are the master of your own destiny to living with someone, in their town, on their turf, with a newborn baby is pretty ****ing overwhelming.

However, and this is the big if. It's not forever. It's just for a little while.

You should be near your new baby. Your feelings about your partner now is your anger lashing out and blaming her for all the things she is "taking away". But she isnt taking anything away. You are being given the gift of a family. That's pretty humbling and pretty cool. And yes, you are probably not ready, and yes you are scared. But so is everyone else with a new baby.

So you have to pull it together. You have to stop thinking about the "what ifs" and "buts". You need to take a deep ****ing breath and breathe mate. It will be fine.

Go see your baby. Write down one thing you are grateful for every morning and put the anger stick away for a little while.

Somewhere new- you will make friends.
Doesnt work out- you both have assets you can sell and settle somewhere in between.
Dont love your partner - right now you have bigger problems and I suspect a LARGE part of this is your fear giving you an easy out.

Take some time to adjust. Try to get comfortable and talk to someone. If you have a well grounded mate you can talk to then ring him up. If you dont track down a counsellor and get some of this catastrophising out of your head because if you do or say somthing terminally stupid you could **** this up for a long long time.

Congratulations my friend.

Seansouth03

Op here...

Thanks for all your opinions..

Just want to point out a few things...

I'm not doing a runner.. I'm not looking to go on the piss with my mates I'm early 40's I'm past all that...
I'm not going to be the one who is an absent father... I'm not going to do a runner I'm going to up and leave. I'm only questioning my feelings long term..
Hindsight is 20/20 vision but I wouldn't swap my daughter for the world.