I’m a mess

Seansouth03

I’m a long time lurker around here and set up and account this evening..

Looking for some advice here..

In a relationship with a girl for over 2 yrs.. we would have known each other for about 7yrs.. we live about 2 hours away from each other.

Anyway we were blessed with a beautiful baby girl about 3 weeks ago. The thing is I’m finding it very difficult settling in her town.

I have my own house and ok job. She has her own house and a good job. I know nobody where she is living.

When we decided about having a baby I wasn’t thinking straight and I didn’t look at the future arrangements i.e living arrangements etc.

I’m lucky my job is flexible enough as in I can work from home and on the road a bit.
I’ve gone back to work this week..

I wouldn’t swap our new baby for the world she is amazing.

But I am feeling very isolated... I know nobody where she is living .. I’m living with her now and she is expecting me to rent out my own house.. I’m actually really dreading the fact of moving. I’m leaving all my friends everything I know.

I’ve tried talking to my partner about this but she is just saying move down.. to be honest I’m feeling guilty aswell cause I don’t want to be away from our daughter.

I know I shouldn’t have known what I was getting into. I do have assertiveness issues as in I find it hard sometimes to stand up for myself.

I’m not even sure I want to be in a relationship but I want to be there for our daughter. I’m not going to be an absent father or anything like that.

I feel really guilty leaving her for a night or 2 as I have to go back for work.

I don’t think i actually love this girl anymore. I’m afraid about what her family my family etc will say if we do break up..

The only thing i know is that I’m really unhappy here but I am really happy I have a beautiful daughter who I’m going to be there for every step of the way as she goes through life.

Sorry if it seems all over the place

Even writing this has made me see things a bit more clearly

Ursus Horribilis

You have worked yourself up into a right lather here and maybe you're seeing trouble where there is none.

Moving away from your home area can be traumatic, especially if you're close to your family and friends. But it doesn't have to be the end of the world. With help from your girlfriend, you can start a new life for yourself in her area. Just about everyone who moves to another area doesn't know anybody at the start but if they make an effort to get to know people, things improve. You didn't mention your girlfriend's family or friends at all. Have you got any sort of relationship with them?

It is a concern that you're belatedly getting stressed out over your relationship with your girlfriend. Is some of this mixed up with panic over what you've got yourself into here (i.e. the reality of having to move and becoming a father). Why have you decided you don't love her? When did these feelings start? Has all of these doubts come to a head since she started pushing you to move?

VegetaIRL8e

First off congrats on baby girl.
Long term boardsie but I'll go slightly unreg for this. That's a long and tough one mate. I cant say I envy your situation but I can tell you, you're not the first or last person to be in a situation exactly or somewhat similar to that.

You need to break these things down in your head and separate them out if you can.
-living arrangements.
-new baby girl.
-relationship with partner.

Dealing with the obvious one so far. You seem to love your new daughter very much and she will love you. You dont seem like a guy that will run away from your responsibility with her and to do with her, so well done on that. Be there for her, do what you can as much as you can for now and just make sure the mother, family and friends see you want to be part of your new girls life.

The living arrangements..try and see things differently if you had friends and family around you down there would it make a difference? If mother and baby were where you lived would that make a difference?

The relationship, are these feelings new or have they always been there.....did you have any of these fears or things bother you before you guys found out that ye were going to be parents? What you need to understand are these feelings situational with new baby and the isolation.....or is it at the core someone you just never or could never have seen a future with.

I hope the above helps and maybe can get you to focus on certain questions you need to figure out. Best of luck and keep us posted here.

Ursus Horribilis

Seansouth03 wrote: »

I don’t think i actually love this girl anymore. I’m afraid about what her family my family etc will say if we do break up..

If you break up with her, your family will most likely back you to the hilt. You are ultimately an adult man capable of making his own decisions. Why are you afraid of what your family thinks? Her family won't be your biggest fans but would it matter if you're exiting an unhappy relationship?

You said you have assertiveness issues and that's coming through here. Who decided to have a baby? Why do you have to move? Would your girlfriend be open to moving to where you're from if you continue to be unhappy where you are? Does she listen to and value your opinions?

WrigleysExtra

Do yourself a favour and tell her you're not moving to her town, end the relationship and come to some agreement on visiting your kid. You will thank yourself in the long run.

Big Bag of Chips

Good point by Ursus. Is your gf working? I know she's on maternity leave at the moment but does she intend returning to work? This is the perfect time for her to move to your area. It will give you both time to see how things are working. Although having a baby before you've ever lived together possibly wasn't the wisest decision. Now you have to try get used to living together for the first time and settling with a new baby.

But, if you are still working in your home area, and she isn't working it makes more sense for the moment for you all to live in your area. You can continue working and over the next few months see where is going to work best for you all as a family.

PARlance

Surprised at the advice so far. I wouldn't be so flippant about leaving a mother and daughter to fend for themselves.

You're a big boy now OP, you have brought a child into the world. You're not moving half way around the world either, your friends and family are only a 2 hour drive away and there's plenty of ways to keep in contact. As we grow older and have families, we tend to see original friends less and less, even if in the same town.

As your daughter grows up, you'll start to meet loads and loads of new potential friends... parents of her classmates, other parents at sports etc... there's lots of waiting around and reasons to get involved/meet people.

You mention you mightn't love the mother of your child. If that's the case then it'll be unhealthy for your daughter but it reads that your just panicking about the move and that may be forcing you to say that. I.e You don't give any reasons, just a throwaway line.

My initial reaction would be to grow up and man up. I say that with some compassion, it can be a bit of a rollercoaster when a child enters the equation.

PARlance

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Good point by Ursus. Is your gf working? I know she's on maternity leave at the moment but does she intend returning to work? This is the perfect time for her to move to your area. It will give you both time to see how things are working. Although having a baby before you've ever lived together possibly wasn't the wisest decision. Now you have to try get used to living together for the first time and settling with a new baby.

But, if you are still working in your home area, and she isn't working it makes more sense for the moment for you all to live in your area. You can continue working and over the next few months see where is going to work best for you all as a family.

While it might seem like that, a man will invariably find it easier to change job if needed. It shouldn't be the case, but some employers will be seeing a woman who has just started a family and can discriminate against her. Also, a bit of flexibility is needed from employers in the first few years, much better/more likely that she'll get that from a long term employer than a new one.

OP has stated that she has a good job and that he has an OK job. I don't think a change is necessarily needed (he can work from home and is on the road)... but if so, logic would say it should be him to look for another.

Big Bag of Chips

Yes, but for the next 6 months while they find their feet and decide what to do longterm, they don't HAVE to live in her area.

She's off work at the moment. She can temporarily move to you, OP. You can continue to work, and find your feet as a coupe living together for the first time, and then when the time comes for her to return to work decide what to do next.

Any decision taken at any time doesn't have to be permanent.

farmchoice

you have one priority in your life now, your child. for now you suck it up and get on with it.

having a baby is overwhelming for all concerned but you have to grow up now and take on your responsibilities.

give it at least a year and see how you feel then, do not walk out on your partner and infant child you will regret it for the rest of your life, it will define you for the rest of your life.


for ever more the mention of your name will be followed by ''the fella who left his missus and 3 week old baby''

Kenny B

It seems to me that the easiest thing is to do is stay at home and in turn miss out on a proper relationship with your kid,

If you fully commit to where your New family live, you might actually find it easier to make friends and build a life there. You have doubts, but without throwing yourself in to that new life, all that is holding you back is some fear.

In 5/10 years time when you are external to the kids life, it'll be too late, immerse yourself in them and the place, if in a year/2/3/5 it's not where You want to be, then walk, but not trying is the real problem.

Give it a proper lash I say.

PARlance

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Yes, but for the next 6 months while they find their feet and decide what to do longterm, they don't HAVE to live in her area.

She's off work at the moment. She can temporarily move to you, OP. You can continue to work, and find your feet as a coupe living together for the first time, and then when the time comes for her to return to work decide what to do next.

Any decision taken at any time doesn't have to be permanent.

Fair point re a temporary move being an option but I really just see it as kicking a can down the road. Probably safe to assume the mother has "nested" at this stage, I wouldn't be putting her in a situation of uncertainty and unnecessary hassle at this stage. I would imagine most new mothers would hate the thought of it and it would be a very selfish request from the OP imo. The time for organising any such move was months before the child was born.

LolaJJ

OP...This is a whole lot of huge life events happening at once.

A baby

A big move

Co-Habiting

It's not weird that you are freaking out.

I imagine the only logical solution for you as a couple was to move to her place or OP would have made an alternative case for why they decided to live with her.

Also, presumably, while she is on mat leave she wants to be close to her family and friends.

When I moved in with my partner it was 40 mins further away from everything to me, I had to join a new gym, had a longer commute to work and to my family...and I found it really hard. At times I was a little resentful and waited 3 months before renting out my own place because i loved it so much but ultimately i've now settled and although the traffic pisses me off, I'm happy. But it was a huge adjustment...so you're dealing with that on a larger scale times 3.

Let's be fair to her for a moment....I think it's most women's absolute worst nightmare to have a child and end up single almost immeadiately, I'm not saying you should stay in an unhappy relationship but I think you owe it to your partner and your daughter to give it every last chance before contemplating running.

Maybe open up to your partner and tell her you're finding it all a little overwhelming and you might hold off on renting your place until you feel a bit more settled. Also let her know that she is safe and will be supported no matter what the outcome.

meeeeh

Birth of a child is just about the most stressful time for a couple. In your case you also moved to completely different area. I would advise against breaking up straight away but I wouldn't rent out your house just yet.

While you need support your girlfriend will probably carry heavier burden caring for your daughter, it would be harder for her to move to an area she doesn't know. Also you feel isolated, some of that will be due to having children. Even if you all moved to your area the time for your friends will be limited when your daughter is young. It's also not unusual for fathers to be overwhelmed by a birth of the child.

Maybe you should talk to a gp to see if someone can help you to cope with situation a bit better. At the moment I get the impression you are running around like a headless chicken. I don't mean that as an insult it seems to me like your mind is racing into ten different directions. Try to establish some routine, maybe stay in your house one or two nights per week, go to work and talk to your friends. Small children are hard work and burden on your girlfriend will increase but it's preferable to making rash decision before you are able to actually fully comprehend changes in your life.

Good luck. But remember the parenthood does get easier after a few months.

LegacyUser

You say you want to be there for your daughter and be a good father but you’d rather live two hours away from her than two hours away from your friends?

This isn’t a teenager with an established relationship with you that you can put in a bus. Being a father to a young baby involves hours and hours of daily work. You need to be there, not once a week for a few hours but in the middle of the night.

If you don’t want to live with your girlfriend fine (but yes, plenty of people including your own family will look down on you for leaving someone who has done nothing wrong 3 weeks after she had a baby). But you can’t leave your daughter and moving back to be close to your friends IS leaving her. Stay nearby.

Goodigal

OP it sounds like you decided to have a baby, and while all those pregnancy months were passing, neither of you made a big decision to cohabit and discuss what would actually happen when the baby arrived. You have to prioritise fatherhood over your family & friends for now. You have your own little family now. As others said, don't be the guy who leaves a girl with a new baby behind because he got cold feet. You both decided to be parents, and it's truly the hardest job in the world. At least try to make it work before walking back to your place and not being there for your daughter every day.

lainey_d_123

PARlance wrote: »

Surprised at the advice so far. I wouldn't be so flippant about leaving a mother and daughter to fend for themselves.

I'm not. This 'me feiner' mentality has slowly seeped into society and it's now widely accepted for people to leave a woman to cope alone with a new born baby because the father has decided he can't really be arsed with being a parent and he'd rather just think about himself.

OP, with all due respect, it sounds like you need to grow up here. You have a child now, and responsibilities. It is supremely selfish to decide you don't really feel like moving because you have no friends there when you have a tiny child and a partner who will have to manage alone. Stop thinking about yourself and your needs and put your new born child and your partner first. You might not end up staying together in the long term, but you absolutely have a duty to give it your best shot now. Your excuses are really feeble, honestly.

Alrigghtythen

Would you both consider selling both houses and moving to the middle, an hour from each?

LegacyUser

OP I was you ten years ago, had a baby with a girl I was seeing but wasn’t sure about long term. It happens. I was filled with all the same doubts you are now. I stayed for the sake of the child who i loved dearly. We got married and had another child. All the while I knew I was with the wrong person but just went with it. Seems crazy reading back what I’ve just written.

I don’t love my wife, I wish I did but I really don’t and we continue to grow apart as people even though on the face of it we are a nice couple who have it all, good income, nice house, lovely kids etc. There is no real love in the marriage and we both know it but we don’t really fight either. It’s almost like we live relatively content separate lives while maintaining this charade to the world. If the children weren’t there and we didn’t have the mortgage etc I’d be gone long ago. The kids keep me going, my wife has little interest in parenting if I’m honest and spends her free time staring in to her phone so a lot of the day to day stuff is left to me.

I wouldn’t advise leaving your partner lightly but make damn sure she is the one if you intend on staying. Yes people will judge you for a brief period of time if you leave her but it’s better than spending the rest of your life in a dead relationship with the wrong person. Obviously be sure that your daughter is well cared for whatever you decide and be there for her.

If I had my time back knowing what I know now I’d have left and probably sought custody of my son as I’m not sure my now wife would have resisted and I have much better means than her to raise a child. Everyone’s situation is different of course.

Seansouth03

Op here..

Thanks for all your replies.
As I said in my original post I'm not going to be an absent father.. regardless of what happens with my relationship with her mother I'm not going to be an absent father..

I also don't want to be in a situation in 10 yrs time like the previous poster.

About the comments about maning up !! I'm sorry now I'm doing everything I can do.. I'm not abandoning anyone. If someone becomes uphappy in a relationship does not mean the child will not get the love and affection and the child now is priority..

Sardonicat

You are contemplating a wanker move. No point in sugar coating it. Love and affection don't cut the mustard at 3 weeks old. If you are pulling your weight with the baby you shouldn't have time for your mates right now.

You've been hit by reality, don't like it and want to bail. It's not about you anymore. It's not even about you and your partner anymore. Grow up !

The_Honeybadger

Sardonicat wrote: »

You are contemplating a wanker move. No point in sugar coating it. Love and affection don't cut the mustard at 3 weeks old. If you are pulling your weight with the baby you shouldn't have time for your mates right now.

You've been hit by reality, don't like it and want to bail. It's not about you anymore. It's not even about you and your partner anymore. Grow up !

Rubbish. What about his partner? Is it fair to stay with her if they are not right for each other? Does she not deserve a chance to meet somebody long term and be happy? It not 1950 here. Lots of separated parents raise great kids. He can still be a very active and fantastic parent if they separate. It takes a lot of effort but it can be done.

Sardonicat

He can't be an active parent to a 3 week old if he's living hours away. That's just a fact. It's not the same as a couple splitting up after the kids are a few years old. He waits for the child to be born before realising he doesn't want to be with his partner? Rubbish! He's a man child who doesn't want the responsibility of parenthood. He just wants the love and affection part. And he wants his mommy and his mates.

LegacyUser

You've known your gf for 7 years in total. Ample time to have made a mature rational decision about your feelings for her before deciding to have a child with her.
How do you foresee the future exactly?
Dating new girls with the intro "I split up with my postpartum gf who had 3 week old baby cos I wasn't really feeling it"?
What happens if you need a new gf who lives 2+ hours away from you,& if they live in the opposite direction from your flesh& blood? How do you say "I'm happy to leave my friends to live with you, but I didn't want to try relocating (even as a single man) to be next to my child".
It's great to have friends. Love friends. But they see a filtered version of you,& vice versa. You don't live together 24/7. Maybe the true ones will risk your wrath & tell you straight up what they make of this. But more than likely they'll softsoap you with platitudes like "Oh if you weren't happy...."
But look, your mind is clearly made up.
It's going to be a hard road& a gamble but hopefully it all be worth it in the pursuit of happiness. Only time will tell

The_Honeybadger

Sardonicat wrote: »

He can't be an active parent to a 3 week old if he's living hours away. That's just a fact. It's not the same as a couple splitting up after the kids are a few years old. He waits for the child to be born before realising he doesn't want to be with his partner? Rubbish! He's a man child who doesn't want the responsibility of parenthood. He just wants the love and affection part. And he wants his mommy and his mates.

He probably should give it a go and see if it can work with his partner but I don’t think the opening post sounds good for their long term prospects. The needs of the child are paramount of course. That said the country is full of couples who stayed together for the sake of their children and it’s debatable in most cases whether the children benefit.

Op I don’t know if I missed this but is there any reason she cannot rent her house and move in with you? She will be off work for a while presumably and it would mean less travelling time for you to and from work?

Seansouth03

The_Honeybadger wrote: »

He probably should give it a go and see if it can work with his partner but I don’t think the opening post sounds good for their long term prospects. The needs of the child are paramount of course. That said the country is full of couples who stayed together for the sake of their children and it’s debatable in most cases whether the children benefit.

Op I don’t know if I missed this but is there any reason she cannot rent her house and move in with you? She will be off work for a while presumably and it would mean less travelling time for you to and from work?

We spoke about that and she said no way... This is her home and her family is around here..

That would obviously be an ideal sceranio on a temporary basis but it's not a runner

Seansouth03

Sardonicat wrote: »

You are contemplating a wanker move. No point in sugar coating it. Love and affection don't cut the mustard at 3 weeks old. If you are pulling your weight with the baby you shouldn't have time for your mates right now.

You've been hit by reality, don't like it and want to bail. It's not about you anymore. It's not even about you and your partner anymore. Grow up !

This is not about growing up this is not about meeting mates or anything like that.. and as for looking to bail. I'm never going to be out of my child's life.

So do you think both parents shouldn't be happy? Cause I'm certainly of the belief that my partner is finding it difficult too but she won't admit...

The_Honeybadger

Seansouth03 wrote: »

We spoke about that and she said no way... This is her home and her family is around here..

That would obviously be an ideal sceranio on a temporary basis but it's not a runner

Ok at the risk of prying what does this mean for your work situation? Does it leave you with a 2 hour commute? I’ve been there and done that and trust me it’s not sustainable.

frogstar

Please don't ask your gf to move to your town.. She needs support and it sounds like she will only get this from family. While yes you say you will be there for baby, who will be there for the mother? She has gone through the most traumatic time of her life and is extremely vulnerable. Hormones all over place, no sleep feeling totally overwhelmed, worthless,

It is a dick move to dump her 3 weeks after birth. Yes relationships are important but she needs a break. Imagine given birth and getting dumped. This is the most stressful time of her life. Just kick her while down.

I'm sorry but I don't think you are considering her at this time. Why plan for a baby of no interest in the mother?

Calltocall

Hi OP, my view would be that three weeks of having a new baby is too soon to make a decision of leaving, you need to give it more time, things could well improve however I completely disagree that you should just stick it out and be miserable because it’s what’s expected of you rather than what you want with your life, because if it’s not you are heading for a life of unhappiness and resentment which will also impact your partner and your daughter which isn’t fair on anyone, your partner deserves to be with someone that loves her

The very same thing happened to a once good pal of mine, I’ve lost touch now, he stuck it out even though he didn’t love his partner and moved to a home surrounded by her family this guy was a vibrant full of life guy who was in a long term relationship which was failing then an unplanned pregnancy happened he being the good guy he was redoubled his efforts and focused on loving the child, I saw him a year ago, his child was 6 at this stage, he had ballooned in weight was on anti depressants and was not the same person, he revealed his partner cheated on him because she was unhappy but at the root of all the unhappiness was the simple fact that they were not right for each other and they both knew it but decided to focus on the child, he is a great father but a broken man behind it. Don’t listen to you must stay together for ever for the kids however if it doesn’t work you should be in the vicinity of your daughter so you can successfully co parent. It happens and people work it out but I’d say give it more time than three weeks. Again it’s not the 50’s where people just slogged it out because it’s what society wanted, that didn’t really work out well for many people, repressed feelings, alcoholism for what just to keep up a front, a pretence, life is too short for that bs.

PARlance

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

I'm not. This 'me feiner' mentality has slowly seeped into society and it's now widely accepted for people to leave a woman to cope alone with a new born baby because the father has decided he can't really be arsed with being a parent and he'd rather just think about himself.

Too true, we even have people equating an unplanned pregnancy situation to that of the OP. An adult who knew his partner for 5 years before entering a relationship for the last 2 years and agreeing to have a child. 3 weeks after the child arrives and it's very easy to trot out the "I don't think I love her" line and it'll get support.
Much easier than moving away from his own Mammy and friends, it seems.

We've gone from one extreme to the other. While it's wasn't healthy for kids growing up in violent & abusive households. We have babies being left to one parent because Daddy doesn't get the butterflies anymore.

Big Bag of Chips

Mod Note:
PARlance, the issues posted about in this forum can often be sensitive and close to the bone for posters. We ask that all replies are to be posted keeping the OP in mind, and offer mature, constructive, civil advice.

Anyone unfamiliar with the Forum Charter for Personal Issues should reread it.

Thanks.

Calltocall

PARlance wrote: »

Too true, we even have people equating an unplanned pregnancy situation to that of the OP. An adult who knew his partner for 5 years before entering a relationship for the last 2 years and agreeing to have a child. 3 weeks after the child arrives and it's very easy to trot out the "I don't think I love her" line and it'll get support.
Much easier than moving away from his own Mammy and friends, it seems.

We've gone from one extreme to the other. While it's wasn't healthy for kids growing up in violent & abusive households. We have babies being left to one parent because Daddy doesn't get the butterflies anymore.

So what’s your solution here, stick together even if it becomes clear that love isn’t there, that’s really going to end well and will eventually lead to anger, embittered feelings, resentment and a highly probable separation in later years etc a great life to look forward to for both parents and the child but hey they stuck it out and did the so called right thing.that’s all that matters.

Sardonicat

Seansouth03 wrote: »

Sardonicat wrote: »

You are contemplating a wanker move. No point in sugar coating it. Love and affection don't cut the mustard at 3 weeks old. If you are pulling your weight with the baby you shouldn't have time for your mates right now.

You've been hit by reality, don't like it and want to bail. It's not about you anymore. It's not even about you and your partner anymore. Grow up !

This is not about growing up this is not about meeting mates or anything like that.. and as for looking to bail. I'm never going to be out of my child's life.

So do you think both parents shouldn't be happy? Cause I'm certainly of the belief that my partner is finding it difficult too but she won't admit...

So when you spilt you're bringing the baby with you?

LegacyUser

OP, it's classic 7 Year itch syndrome.
Read "The Course of Love" by Alain du Botton.

YouTube videos of motivational speaker Tony Robbins- he advises that before throwing in the towel on a relationship, you spend 3 months lovebombing the other person& giving it your absolute all. Only then can you truly honestly say you've tried.

Look up Jordan Peterson.

All 3 men have years upon years of knowledge& experience on life. & they're men, so no bias.

Yellow pack crisps

Maybe you’re in shock OP. Sometimes pregnancies (9 months leading up) can (Not always) seem like a partner has become a different person. You have to remember that it’s a completely new experience for your GF and can play havoc with a person. It’s really normal for a person whose just had a baby to want to be around family for extra support that can be extremely vital for a couple in the first two years. You share a baby now, although I’d never advocate a person staying in something that makes them unhappy, you need too see where the lay of the land stands after the period of adjustment. When you have a baby temporarily you’re social life will take a hit and it can be very lonely for both of you for varying reasons. It sucks having to move, but sometimes we have to compromise ourselves for the greater goood. It really comes down to that you gave it your best shot when your child was born. You’ve known your gf for a good period of time, so you knew the bones of her and you ended up in a relationship with her and ultimately you both conceived a child togeather. If you’re in this state about it, imagine what your GF is going through? Everyone in this situation needs the support and trust of those closest to them. There will be a time to sit and talk to your GF about your issues, it’s not really now though, now is the time to put everything into bringing your child into a loving and nurturing atmosphere. It’s a tough period.

LegacyUser

Research the physical toll pregnancy& childbirth takes on a woman.
Average1.5 - 2 stone weight gain, morning sickness, back pain, hair loss, incontinence, painkillers, insomnia, prolapse, leaking sore nipples, stretch marks, hormones, ect ect. It is a massive massive thing to create a little human inside of you.
Out of kindness& decency alone, would you consider shelving the breakup at least until she is back on her feet emotionally & physically.

LolaJJ

Yea, I have to agree with other posters that running now is a dick move.

You don't just decide to have a child with someone as a "suck it and see" experiment.

You're making a long-term commitment. And, yea, maybe it's not working out the way you had hoped, maybe you feel isolated, maybe you miss your old life

But, you have a baby that's only a few weeks old who deserves better from you. You ending the relationship now, when your partner is nursing a brand new baby is going to absolutely traumatise your partner. Imagine trying to cope with a brand new baby alone whilst also trying to deal with a break up and lose the person who was there to help with that childs care.

Just wait....you might actually grow in to this.

There are plenty of situations in life where you can acceptably decide "this isn't for me" and do a runner. This is not one of those situations

woodchuck

OP I would never advise someone to stay in a loveless relationship. However, I think there is far too much going on for you atm to genuinely know how you're feeling. I imagine having a newborn child is one of the most difficult times in most peoples lives. When you add moving away from your friends/family into the mix, then of course you're going to panic a bit.

But please, do not make any rash decisions right now.

You've been with your partner for years and made a conscious decision to have a baby together. You owe it to your partner and your newborn baby to give this your all before even contemplating throwing in the towel. And that WILL involving moving. I think it would be completely unreasonable to expect her to move to you - she's a first time mother and she needs her support network around her. This is one of the few times in your life when you don't (or shouldn't) have the luxury of being selfish.

JustAThought

woodchuck wrote: »

OP I would never advise someone to stay in a loveless relationship. However, I think there is far too much going on for you atm to genuinely know how you're feeling. I imagine having a newborn child is one of the most difficult times in most peoples lives. When you add moving away from your friends/family into the mix, then of course you're going to panic a bit.

But please, do not make any rash decisions right now.

You've been with your partner for years and made a conscious decision to have a baby together. You owe it to your partner and your newborn baby to give this your all before even contemplating throwing in the towel. And that WILL involving moving. I think it would be completely unreasonable to expect her to move to you - she's a first time mother and she needs her support network around her. This is one of the few times in your life when you don't (or shouldn't) have the luxury of being selfish.

OP you dont have to rent out your house you can keep it free - perhaps your OH sees that if it is available to.retreat.to that.you will spend less.time with her and your baby. You fear.the lonliness.and missing your mates - have you considered that in doing what you are.contemplating that you might lose your friends.and drinking buddies and they will.certainly change what they think of.you and how they view you as a.man. this is 100% certain. Abandoning your long term partner and newborn to.go on the lock or playing sport and hanging out with your mates - everyone .will see this for.what it is and I doubt that yhey will ever think the same about you and that the dynamic including that with their wives and girlfruends will be changed forever. You mentioned beung afraid of what your family will say/think. Yes. You know them and are to.be extremely concerned. As someone else posted - you will forwver be known as the man who abandoned his family and newborn daughter and will ge judged on that forever - no qyestion of that. I doubt that you would ever find it easy to get a date or gf locally after that, nor would any brother or family want to see you dating their daughter. You asked for an honest perspective.
No doubt the shock of moving out and away and the lack of independence and control is frightening but the rewards and love of your little daughter are great. Try and find a solution that will help. Cater a BBQ for your friends and ask them over for a welcome party to meet your child. Dont put the catering on your gf! Get her friends over too for the BBQ so you can get to know them a bit. Organise for a monthly weekend out back in your area so you wont feel so isolated from your friends. Organise a specific evening a week out back at home with your friends so yoy keep that important link. And do the same for.your gf so she can have a night out with her friends and you can relax and own the place a little and share some joy with your daughter. It might seem overwhelming but there are specific strategic ways to keep your friends, love your daughter and help your gf and your new family unit without panicing and destroying your reputation,losing and splitting your old friends apart,scandalising your family and abandoning your baby. Find a way to make it work and plough on through this turmoil and first few difficult weeks - be manly and step up - dont run away. You will find a pathway yhat dosn't isolate you,allows you to keep your manhood and friends and love your little daughter and have a future with her in it.

Mr. Incognito

Hi there mate.

Firstly, congratulations on the baby. Babys are awesome and your life will be forever changed.

You are looking at leaving one life for another. At present you have a nice gig. A missus 2 hours away. The lads around and living the single life while having a gf down the road.

I'm 37. I've lived that life for 20 years. I also had a son in the middle of it who is now 14. He's doing great with his Mom and her husband and I get him every weekend and holidays. I knew at 22 I wasnt ready to grow up so I didnt try. I was honest about it and the consequence is that I have a pretty good relationship but I am not his Dad. I am a biological buddy. His mother's husband is his Dad. He's the person who is there every day.

Recently, a person came into my life who made me re-examine those priorities. She pushed me into therapy and addiction treatment and out of the fantasies in my head and into reality. And that's been really hard man. Even with all that support I am still freaking out when we are planning to move 50 metres up the road. No kiding. Full on melt down. I didnt want to leave my apartment in the middle of town with all the great amenities and the single life memories when I had not a care in the world. I did the entire- well maybe I dont love her dance and I would be better off alone. I didnt want to leave my TV behind- no joke. I said this. Rational thought is not our friend when we are feeling isolated and afraid.

What got me out of that spin is sitting down with her and saying, I am ****ing terrified. I am terrified that I will screw it up and I'm alone without any supports. Its fear, its real and its irrational. I dont know your story. I dont know what your go to is to cope. It could be alcohol, sex, videogames, your mates, writing, music etc. We all have our own adult soothers. I do know that going from living on your own where you are the master of your own destiny to living with someone, in their town, on their turf, with a newborn baby is pretty ****ing overwhelming.

However, and this is the big if. It's not forever. It's just for a little while.

You should be near your new baby. Your feelings about your partner now is your anger lashing out and blaming her for all the things she is "taking away". But she isnt taking anything away. You are being given the gift of a family. That's pretty humbling and pretty cool. And yes, you are probably not ready, and yes you are scared. But so is everyone else with a new baby.

So you have to pull it together. You have to stop thinking about the "what ifs" and "buts". You need to take a deep ****ing breath and breathe mate. It will be fine.

Go see your baby. Write down one thing you are grateful for every morning and put the anger stick away for a little while.

Somewhere new- you will make friends.
Doesnt work out- you both have assets you can sell and settle somewhere in between.
Dont love your partner - right now you have bigger problems and I suspect a LARGE part of this is your fear giving you an easy out.

Take some time to adjust. Try to get comfortable and talk to someone. If you have a well grounded mate you can talk to then ring him up. If you dont track down a counsellor and get some of this catastrophising out of your head because if you do or say somthing terminally stupid you could **** this up for a long long time.

Congratulations my friend.

Seansouth03

Op here...

Thanks for all your opinions..

Just want to point out a few things...

I'm not doing a runner.. I'm not looking to go on the piss with my mates I'm early 40's I'm past all that...
I'm not going to be the one who is an absent father... I'm not going to do a runner I'm going to up and leave. I'm only questioning my feelings long term..
Hindsight is 20/20 vision but I wouldn't swap my daughter for the world.