Is there anyone in your family you don't talk to?

01-07-2019 7:24pm

i do these days, ive done stretches of a few years

extended family sure look who keeps tabs of all their cousins like

ToddyDoody · 01-07-2019 7:27pm

I'm currently not talking to my cat. She knows why.

paw patrol · 01-07-2019 7:28pm

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

Your reasons are valid, nobody would dispute that. But she has an illness, and that's also valid. It doesn't mean you must forgive her, neither does it mean she's at fault. You have a sister with a mental disorder.

or they use their issues to their advantage …

banie01 · 01-07-2019 7:35pm

MuffinTop86 wrote: »

Copacetic?

Yeah maybe it’s you... :-D

Could well be

I'm not so self unaware that I don't think I may have contributed to the tensions in some way.

Either way, my own life is honestly immeasurably better, less stressful and melodramatic without them

01-07-2019 7:36pm

Yes...my younger sister...we're both in our 30s.

Never held down a job for more than a month and I can actually only remember two of those.
She bled my mother dry of money as a teenager and constantly cane between us, so much so I didn't have a great relationship with my mother in my teens, moved out at 20. She then got dementia so while I had a couple of years to try and fix it before she died, she wasn't really there any more, didn't speak for the last year.
I blame my mother as much for letting my sister come between us, I tried at the time...Remember breaking down at one point saying I couldn't keep fighting with my mother (instigated by my sister), she seemed to listen but it just went back to giving my sister everything she wanted At the expense of me and others.

Some might say that Try And Let It as water under the bridge, but she's now turned this on my dad and is now causing friction between my other sister and him, where they previously got on so prove that she'll never change. Whatever she'll do once my dad dies I've no idea as she has him doing everything for her.
The rest of my family only tolerate her, whereas I dont even do that, she only contacts them when she wants something. She has tried to talk to me over the years but I knew she had never changed so ignored it.
She's toxic, no situation that I'll ever speak to her. As bad as it sounds, in ways im looking for when my dad isn't around any more as I won't have to be in her company....and she'll have to fend for herself.

m5ex9oqjawdg2i · 01-07-2019 7:36pm

My grandad, but he's dead...

banie01 · 01-07-2019 7:38pm

eviltwin wrote: »

Estrangement doesn't always involve fighting. I certainly don't have any animosity towards my family. For my own mental health and general wellbeing I need to be distanced from them but I wish them all the best.

100%

Sometimes you need to realize that you have to put yourself and your mental health ahead of those who would have you give away bits of your sanity on a regular basis without giving anything in return but pain, doubt and anger.

Church on Tuesday · 01-07-2019 7:44pm

banie01 wrote: »

100%

Sometimes you need to realize that you have to put yourself and your mental health ahead of those who would have you give away bits of your sanity on a regular basis without giving anything in return but pain, doubt and anger.

I reckon some family members do it primarily to feel better about themselves to be honest.

Personal experience.

Galwayguy35 · 01-07-2019 7:56pm

Didnt talk to my brother for a long time, we had an argument that turned physical and kept our distance after that.

But he is my only brother and eventually we put it behind us and get on fine now.

chicorytip · 01-07-2019 8:03pm

Mr.Maroon wrote:

I may be making assumptions about your sisters "disability" and perhaps she deserves every penny, but the picture you painted suggests she conning the system. The eligibility for DA really needs to be tackled by the Government.

If she has an addiction to Alcohol she has a disability. Disablement or being incapable of holding down a job due to addiction to Alcohol or any other intoxicating substance is a reality for many - not a lie or a con.

01-07-2019 8:11pm

opining on how people should relate to their own lived experience with addicts in their lives is never a good look

Peatys · 01-07-2019 8:14pm

When my 40th came and went without even a phone call, i decided i wouldn't bother with my brother and two sisters until they made an effort with me.

Haven't been in contact with any of them since.

Mad_maxx · 01-07-2019 8:48pm

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

Your reasons are valid, nobody would dispute that. But she has an illness, and that's also valid. It doesn't mean you must forgive her, neither does it mean she's at fault. You have a sister with a mental disorder.

Alcoholism is not an illness and referring to it as such only indulges the alcoholic

If alcoholism was a disease, how come the starving in Africa never catch it?

Only disease which requires you to spend money to get it

corner of hells · 01-07-2019 8:52pm

Pay attention,

My OH doesn't talk to her sister in law , niece, two nephews and barely talks to her brother.

Her other brother doesn't speak to the same sister in law , her two sisters don't talk to any of the family on the first paragraph .

We're going to the wedding of the niece in the first paragraph later on the year and that niece doesn't talk to her brothers or any of her cousins.

I'm going to the wedding for the row. It'll be like "culture boss" wedding.

Tell me how · 01-07-2019 8:54pm

corner of hells wrote: »

Pay attention,

My OH doesn't talk to her sister in law , niece, two nephews and barely talks to her brother.

Her other brother doesn't speak to the same sister in law , her two sisters don't talk to any of the family on the first paragraph .

We're going to the wedding of the niece in the first paragraph later on the year and that niece doesn't talk to her brothers or any of her cousins.

I'm going to the wedding for the row. It'll be like "culture boss" wedding.

That's the sort of wedding I want to see covered on Boards. Or on Twitter. Starting pre Hen/Stag.

Mad_maxx · 01-07-2019 8:55pm

corner of hells wrote: »

Pay attention,

My OH doesn't talk to her sister in law , niece, two nephews and barely talks to her brother.

Her other brother doesn't speak to the same sister in law , her two sisters don't talk to any of the family on the first paragraph .

We're going to the wedding of the niece in the first paragraph later on the year and that niece doesn't talk to her brothers or any of her cousins.

I'm going to the wedding for the row. It'll be like "culture boss" wedding.

Sounds like a pikey family?

corner of hells · 01-07-2019 8:57pm

Mad_maxx wrote: »

Sounds like a pikey family?

Better again, northsiders of Jewish descent with a bit of gypsy thrown in.

01-07-2019 9:02pm

Tell me how wrote: »

That's the sort of wedding I want to see covered on Boards. Or on Twitter. Starting pre Hen/Stag.

Why does your OH want to go to the wedding if she doesn't speak to her?

corner of hells · 01-07-2019 9:03pm

368100 wrote: »

Why does your OH want to go to the wedding if she doesn't speak to her?

It not his OH , its mine.

Laois_Man · 01-07-2019 9:05pm

I literally don't talk to any of my siblings - If I can help it!

And I am far happier that way!

amber2 · 01-07-2019 9:08pm

Had 2 siblings youngest died in an accident in their 20’s, middle died of SAD in early 30’s and one of my parents died Of cancer a year later, life can be very short any differences you can put behind you do. In short I don’t get the opportunity to talk to family only a headstone.

donkeykong5 · 01-07-2019 9:23pm

amber2 wrote: »

Had 2 siblings youngest died in an accident in their 20’s, middle died of SAD in early 30’s and one of my parents died Of cancer a year later, life can be very short any differences you can put behind you do. In short I don’t get the opportunity to talk to family only a headstone.

It must be horrific for people who arnt talking to family members when they die. I dont think I could take the guilt. Life is so short what's the point of ignoring each other.

Gadgetman496 · 01-07-2019 9:32pm

donkeykong5 wrote: »

It must be horrific for people who arnt talking to family members when they die. I dont think I could take the guilt. Life is so short what's the point of ignoring each other.

If for whatever reason, a person makes the decision to cut ties with a family member, I don't see why death would or should make any difference. The shunned one is effectively dead to the instigator from the moment that decision is made.

Emotional blackmail is often one of the reasons these events occur in the first place.

banie01 · 01-07-2019 9:34pm

donkeykong5 wrote: »

It must be horrific for people who arnt talking to family members when they die. I dont think I could take the guilt. Life is so short what's the point of ignoring each other.

Why do many people assume that because you share a bit of DNA with someone that you will regret it when they die?
When you can't make it up anymore?
The choice to estrange oneself from family members is never taken lightly, its not a whim, its usually the result of being the victim of at best long term emotional abuse and at worse a hell of a lot more.

40yrs of knowing someone is a cúnt doesn't magically disappear on their death?
Or do we subscribe to that wonderfully Irish notion of forgetting the deceased asshat behaviour when they kick the bucket?

Sharing a womb, a bedroom or a splash of DNA doesnt necessarily equal a constant forgiveness card.
Eventually, you have to choose whats best for you.

01-07-2019 9:43pm

banie01 wrote: »

Sharing a womb, a bedroom or a splash of DNA doesnt necessarily equal a constant forgiveness card.

A certain priest emphasized the forgiveness card to my mother over many years. In the last few years mum said over the phone to him she would not be attending his “healing masses “ because as she said herself as an 82 year old “my prayers weren’t answered”.

Recliner · 01-07-2019 10:14pm

banie01 wrote: »

Why do many people assume that because you share a bit of DNA with someone that you will regret it when they die?
When you can't make it up anymore?
The choice to estrange oneself from family members is never taken lightly, its not a whim, its usually the result of being the victim of at best long term emotional abuse and at worse a hell of a lot more.

40yrs of knowing someone is a cúnt doesn't magically disappear on their death?
Or do we subscribe to that wonderfully Irish notion of forgetting the deceased asshat behaviour when they kick the bucket?

Sharing a womb, a bedroom or a splash of DNA doesnt necessarily equal a constant forgiveness card.
Eventually, you have to choose whats best for you.

My Dad's already doing this in respect of my mother and she's still alive. Blames her dementia on everything and can't be told that 40/50 years ago she didn't have dementia. Rewriting history to absolve himself.
Eventually, for your own headspace, you have to just cut ties. Honestly I have no kind feelings for her and the only regret I'll have when she dies is the regret that she did so much damage to my family.

01-07-2019 10:35pm

donkeykong5 wrote: »

It must be horrific for people who arnt talking to family members when they die. I dont think I could take the guilt. Life is so short what's the point of ignoring each other.

no two circumstances are the same tbh and you might be surprised, if people in our culture were able to speak honestly of the dead, what you might find out about people's experiences.

mrsgiller · 01-07-2019 10:46pm

Haven't spoken to my younger brother and his wife for about 14 years, started over me not buying their child what they wanted me to buy him for Xmas and just snowballed. Can't see it ever being resolved

jobeenfitz · 01-07-2019 10:47pm

I try my best.

donkeykong5 · 01-07-2019 10:47pm

Deleted User wrote: »

donkeykong5 wrote: »

It must be horrific for people who arnt talking to family members when they die. I dont think I could take the guilt. Life is so short what's the point of ignoring each other.

no two circumstances are the same tbh and you might be surprised, if people in our culture were able to speak honestly of the dead, what you might find out about people's experiences.

Dont think I could cope if a close family member died eg parents or brothers and sisters or children and I wasnt talking to them at the time. Its just me.but I do feel blood is thicker than water.

banie01 · 01-07-2019 10:56pm

donkeykong5 wrote: »

Dont think I could cope if a close family member died eg parents or brothers and sisters or children and I wasnt talking to them at the time. Its just me.but I do feel blood is thicker than water.

Blood is thicker than water...
The source this saying comes from actually means the complete opposite and it's one of those mistakes that has become accepted as axiomatic.

The original phrase is.
“The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.”

The passage actually means that the bonds of friendship formed in adversity or battle are thicker than those of the womb.

Or as someone smarter than me once said, "friends are often God's apology for family".

eviltwin · 01-07-2019 10:58pm

donkeykong5 wrote: »

Dont think I could cope if a close family member died eg parents or brothers and sisters or children and I wasnt talking to them at the time. Its just me.but I do feel blood is thicker than water.

What else can you do when your family treat you like dirt, when they are toxic and damaging to your mental health and sense of security? I don't know anyone that is happy to be estranged from a family member, it's a personal tragedy to have no relationship with the people who are meant to be your closest allies. Please don't judge.

01-07-2019 11:00pm

donkeykong5 wrote: »

Dont think I could cope if a close family member died eg parents or brothers and sisters or children and I wasnt talking to them at the time. Its just me.but I do feel blood is thicker than water.

its not "you"

its the experience and relationship you have with those people.

ive siblings and friends it would cut me to the bone to fall out with, but i know why and how theyve earned it.

thats a hard lesson to learn in this life and tbf not everyone has to learn it or should learn it, and good luck to them.

but i dont think it should be taken for granted either way.

01-07-2019 11:04pm

donkeykong5 wrote: »

Dont think I could cope if a close family member died eg parents or brothers and sisters or children and I wasnt talking to them at the time. Its just me.but I do feel blood is thicker than water.

Don't know what that quote is supposed to mean, if my father died tomorrow I couldn't care less.
Perhaps you have been very lucky with your family, some of us haven't unfortunately.

01-07-2019 11:10pm

i dont think donkeykong meant it personally folks

if you havent had to cut ties with someone society constantly presumes you owe loyalty/devotion to regardless of anything they do, its a difficult thing to imagine

Gimme A Pound · 01-07-2019 11:14pm

I'm extremely lucky as I come from a very happy close family but I still disagree with "Blood is thicker than water" after a certain point. It took me a while to realise it but having met so many people with awful family stories, I get it now. It's not something they want - anyone would prefer a happy family.

Blaizes · 01-07-2019 11:18pm

Talk to everyone in my immediate family but never take it for granted. We don’t live nearby so maybe easier not to fall out.

Know wills have caused terrible rifts in families and people not speaking to each other as a result. Always think the parents are to blame here as they should act fairly and make clear what each person is being left before they pass that way siblings don’t end up never speaking again and have seen this happen in a few families.

donkeykong5 · 01-07-2019 11:33pm

eviltwin wrote: »

donkeykong5 wrote: »

Dont think I could cope if a close family member died eg parents or brothers and sisters or children and I wasnt talking to them at the time. Its just me.but I do feel blood is thicker than water.

What else can you do when your family treat you like dirt, when they are toxic and damaging to your mental health and sense of security? I don't know anyone that is happy to be estranged from a family member, it's a personal tragedy to have no relationship with the people who are meant to be your closest allies. Please don't judge.

Omg. I am not judging. Why would you say that. I'm just saying that I myself couldn't cope with a very close family member dying that I wasnt talking to. I'm only giving my opinion.

eviltwin · 01-07-2019 11:42pm

donkeykong5 wrote: »

Omg. I am not judging. Why would you say that. I'm just saying that I myself couldn't cope with a very close family member dying that I wasnt talking to. I'm only giving my opinion.

Fair enough if you aren't. It's a very sensitive topic for me, I get defensive. Your comment about life being to short to be ignoring people felt like a judgement. Apologies if I took it up incorrectly.

erica74 · 02-07-2019 6:59am

I don't speak to my brother. I haven't spoken to him in 10 years. No interest in any relationship with him. He's a vile individual.
I also don't speak to my mother. Another vile individual. Very very mentally unstable for my whole life but refuses to get help.
If my mother or brother dropped dead, I'd be very happy to know he/she is not on this planet anymore.
I grew up in an abusive household, sexual abuse, verbal, physical and emotional abuse.

Kenpo · 02-07-2019 11:10am

I'm a psychotherapist and specialize in family estrangement.

It's a huge issue with one piece of research theorizing it affects 1 in 5 families in the UK (https://www.standalone.org.uk/).

From my experience, this figure could be higher but many don't disclose as they might not recognize their situation as being estrangement or are afraid of the societal stigma associated with not having a close relationship with family.

Estrangement is fundamentally about distance, but this distance sits on a continuum: On one end we have emotional estrangements, where people still see each other regularly (perhaps due to circumstances) but put up boundaries around communication (e.g. limited topics of discussion). The other end is a physical estrangement which can range from never seeing/speaking to a person to extreme examples of changing address and even changing their name to create as much distance as a possible.

The reasons for estrangement vary massively, including overt and covert unhealthy behaviours, unrealistic expectations, conflicting values/beliefs, miss-communication, etc. The type and amount of distance depends on the level of stress each individual feels around the estranged parties.

I've done some research on the experience of estrangement here in Ireland which I hope to get peer reviewed. Sadness, anger, fear and guilt are all very common (irrespective of whether the estrangement was voluntary or involuntary), but uncertainty and doubt were particularly evident. The uncertainties could be around the decision to estrange, who within the family to tell, how to manage future family events, how long the estrangement will last, etc. Ambiguous gain is also common where there are both negative and positive consequences, such as reduced stress and increased independence.

For the OP, many people will tell you what you should/shouldn't do but rarely do they have enough context to offer accurate advice. Ultimately, you are the one having to deal with the stress and have to make the right choice for your well being (as well as for the people close to you).

I have a 'CLOSED' FB Family Estrangement Support Page where people can share their struggles and I post research and answers any questions:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/familyestrangementsupport

Hope this was helpful.

Take care
Karl
www.karlmelvin.com

banie01 · 02-07-2019 1:29pm

Great to see some professional insight on Family estrangement.

I can only speak to my own experience.
I do have many friends and relatives who's familiies are what many would consider "normal".
Not quite the Walton's

but the family conflict gets resolved and stays relatively contained.
I do however have some, including myself who reached a point in life where it became too much and choices were made.
The Irish family tradition of what happens at home stays at home is still quite prevelant and just because people dont talk, doesnt mean these issues dont happen

In my own case, the death of my Mother was the last straw in my putting myself at harm by continuing some relationships.
My mother(and no doubt many other's one too) was the centre of family life.
Fights, insults, grievance and even outright hatred were put aside to keep Mam happy, to have a quiet christmas, to avoid having her take sides or even have to listen her giving out

There was no will, no estate, no property for the rest of us to fall out over.
What there was, was an Epiphany for me at least...
In that I recognised a lot of my family as being little better than animals!
Eat, sleep and Fúck while extracting anything of benefit they could from those around them!

The lack of respect shown our Mother in her Death and their grief by her children and husband

Was the last straw for me and after 35yrs of being "the eldest", I stepped away from all of them bar my youngest brother who I am still close too.

What started as placing a little distance between my home and the rest of my family in not calling round, in putting my wife and child first turned into me being happier than I had been in quite a while.
It took about 2yrs to develop into actually realizing that the effect the rest of my family had on me was extremely toxic.

My kid still see's his uncles, aunts and cousins, and I still see my nieces and nephews.
My problems with them are not his and I'm not going to fight my battles through him

He's a young adult, my job is to equip him to deal with people good and bad, to allow him make his way in life in the happiest and healthiest way I can.
For him to do that, I cant force him to hate people nor would I.
I can and do hope however that he learns the lessons I did, a lot younger and with a lot less pain

The pink killer · 02-07-2019 2:09pm

I use to get on well with all of them but as i got older i found they are all annoying bitchy *****.

katiek102010 · 02-07-2019 2:40pm

None on my side but we don't speak to in laws and haven't for about 15 years. His siblings are not around his age. 2 older 10 and 8 years older and then 2 a lot younger born after he left home.

Oh has ASD and grew up in a family where there was extensive physical and emotional abuse directed at him only.

He wasn't diagnosed until he ran away from home at 14. Initially for the first years we were together I struggled to understand how he had distanced himself from them and actively trued to encourage a relationship. It wasn't until a few years passed and I got him to open up and I realised what he went through.

He has scarring on his body from beatings from him alcoholic father and mother ignored it and wouldn't allow him to get GP help for wounds so they never healed properly. His cousin's just older were actually removed from parents over similar treatment.

While undergoing therapy 15 years ago he was encouraged to discuss what happened when he was younger and speak to her about his diagnosis etc and ask why she never sought help etc as a child. She lost it with him and then his siblings etc all started on him for upsetting darling mummy.

They don't even know where we live. I have heard on the grapevine that she was looking for him a few years ago. About 2 years after we moved she must have written to last know address and post was returned.

We only live about 10k away from her currently but siblings all live abroad. As far as she's aware we live abroad too.

She doesn't as far as I'm aware even know she has a grandchild and from what I know of her she will never be let near him

donkeykong5 · 02-07-2019 3:41pm

katiek102010 wrote: »

None on my side but we don't speak to in laws and haven't for about 15 years. His siblings are not around his age. 2 older 10 and 8 years older and then 2 a lot younger born after he left home.

Oh has ASD and grew up in a family where there was extensive physical and emotional abuse directed at him only.

He wasn't diagnosed until he ran away from home at 14. Initially for the first years we were together I struggled to understand how he had distanced himself from them and actively trued to encourage a relationship. It wasn't until a few years passed and I got him to open up and I realised what he went through.

He has scarring on his body from beatings from him alcoholic father and mother ignored it and wouldn't allow him to get GP help for wounds so they never healed properly. His cousin's just older were actually removed from parents over similar treatment.

While undergoing therapy 15 years ago he was encouraged to discuss what happened when he was younger and speak to her about his diagnosis etc and ask why she never sought help etc as a child. She lost it with him and then his siblings etc all started on him for upsetting darling mummy.

They don't even know where we live. I have heard on the grapevine that she was looking for him a few years ago. About 2 years after we moved she must have written to last know address and post was returned.

We only live about 10k away from her currently but siblings all live abroad. As far as she's aware we live abroad too.

She doesn't as far as I'm aware even know she has a grandchild and from what I know of her she will never be let near him

That's horrific.

Gimme A Pound · 02-07-2019 3:47pm

She deserves to be told **** right off. :mad:

I'm not a fan of "forgiveness is for you, not them" in extreme cases like this. **** that - some people should not be forgiven.

katiek102010 · 02-07-2019 3:50pm

donkeykong5 wrote: »

That's horrific.

It is yes. I'm honestly not surprised he doesn't want anything to do with them. If he had opened up initially I would never have pushed him to have some sort of relationship with them however that didn't come until later when he had therapy.

I do wish I had let things lie however he is a lot better having no contact with them. Of course the younger 2 have no clue what father was like as she was pregnant with the youngest and the other was only a baby.

The older 2 should know better. One is a intellectual disability nurse and the others oh is a special needs teacher, however, they are of the opinion thats how it was done in those days and Mummy was as much of a victim as daddy was a violent alcoholic.

Jenna James · 02-07-2019 3:52pm

eviltwin wrote: »

What else can you do when your family treat you like dirt, when they are toxic and damaging to your mental health and sense of security? I don't know anyone that is happy to be estranged from a family member, it's a personal tragedy to have no relationship with the people who are meant to be your closest allies. Please don't judge.

I've estranged myself from 1 person in my immediate family in the last 12 months. Not a day goes by when I think about them but I know it was the right decision. The pain is raw.

By association, a sibling has closed ranks and we're not connected anymore either.

I wouldn't wish this on anyone but the alternative is worse.

decky1 · 02-07-2019 4:05pm

Wife.

heretochat · 02-07-2019 5:21pm

Black sheep of my family and haven't spoken to some of them in over 10 years.

Don't miss their cr%p and am frankly doing far better without any of them in my life.

Is there anyone in your family you don't talk to?

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