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Is this technically assault? No??

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    #92
    ManOfMystery
    Registered Users Posts: 2,394 ✭✭✭ManOfMystery


    The chan chan man wrote: »
    You let your husband have sex with you while pretending to be asleep. That’s not rape.

    Rape is sex without consent.

    If her husband had sex with her and believed her to be asleep whilst he was doing so - as your post implies - then that is rape, as she didn't consent.


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    #93
    Whymeme
    Registered Users Posts: 17 ✭Whymeme


    I'm still so confused. I've been made to feel like I'm making a big deal of nothing. He said sorry so that's that. I've been snapoy for sure, but whatever. Airways taking things the wrong way, that's me.


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    #94
    Tork
    Registered Users Posts: 3,274 ✭✭✭Tork


    Of course he'd say that. No man is going to want to admit to raping his wife, is he? I'm sure he knows damn well that what he did was wrong but there is too much riding on this. If he admitted he had sex with you without your consent you'd be well within in your rights to go to the guards. If there is something on file already, this spells trouble for him. The impression I get is that the pair of you are stuck together in this miserable marriage because you can't afford to go your separate ways. You're on disability, he's not working. Is money tight?


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    #95
    Whymeme
    Registered Users Posts: 17 ✭Whymeme


    Oh I have called the gards already once, after getting advice, rrom here too. The end result was a a protection order, the gards photographing my bruises, having my gp noting it all, contacting the domestic abuse woman where I live, going to court, him refusing to pay any bills, shacking up with another woman for two months, gambling HUNDREDS OF EURO, lying about everything, pretending to care by taking me to Tesco in the car, and me swallowing crap by pretending to want to work things out, in order to have somewhere to live. My life is crap, and I've made it like this.


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    #96
    Tork
    Registered Users Posts: 3,274 ✭✭✭Tork


    Ok, so you swallowed his crap and took him back. Can you not get rid of him again? Take in some lodgers or something if you can't afford to pay the mortgage or rent.


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    #97
    Whymeme
    Registered Users Posts: 17 ✭Whymeme


    Tork wrote: »
    Ok, so you swallowed his crap and took him back. Can you not get rid of him again? Take in some lodgers or something if you can't afford to pay the mortgage or rent.

    We rent. He works two days a week. Can't get full time. I'm on disability the last two years. He wants my money. I'm saving it. I spend some, save some. Help my children, all adults, all struggling.

    I do what I can, but I know he has gambled a lot, and kept it hidden. I know this because I snoop. I have made it my business to find out, and I don't like being lied to, especially when all I hear is how he's struggling to pay this and that, Road tax, electricity bill, and I know he's won 1000 and not said a word. Oh the things I could say, but what's the point.

    I need to get out. When I'll be able, I have no idea. I hope soon! X


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    #98
    kowloonkev
    Registered Users Posts: 2,159 ✭✭✭kowloonkev


    Whymeme wrote: »
    We rent. He works two days a week. Can't get full time. I'm on disability the last two years. He wants my money. I'm saving it. I spend some, save some. Help my children, all adults, all struggling.

    I do what I can, but I know he has gambled a lot, and kept it hidden. I know this because I snoop. I have made it my business to find out, and I don't like being lied to, especially when all I hear is how he's struggling to pay this and that, Road tax, electricity bill, and I know he's won 1000 and not said a word. Oh the things I could say, but what's the point.

    I need to get out. When I'll be able, I have no idea. I hope soon! X

    OP, I think you are doing the right thing. Some people on this thread have been hysterical and would probably want you to endure a long court case costing whatever inheritance your children will have in order to satisfy their own outrage.

    But you seem calm, which is only to be admired in a difficult situation. As I previously advised, and as I'm sure most here agree that you do need to get out of this relationship. My advice is to attempt to do it amicably. But you also need to make sure he gets the message to stay out of your life and not to give you trouble again.

    You said that your children are adults. Are they going to take your side? Do you have a son who would be physically a match, or superior to your husband? That would help when dealing with a bully. Either way, my advice is to talk to other members of your family and make a plan for your exit strategy. Do not confront your husband alone. Have someone there as a support/referee when you break the news. Good luck.


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    #99
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 18,749 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    kowloonkev wrote: »
    OP, I think you are doing the right thing. Some people on this thread have been hysterical and would probably want you to endure a long court case costing whatever inheritance your children will have in order to satisfy their own outrage.

    But you seem calm, which is only to be admired in a difficult situation. As I previously advised, and as I'm sure most here agree that you do need to get out of this relationship. My advice is to attempt to do it amicably. But you also need to make sure he gets the message to stay out of your life and not to give you trouble again.

    You said that your children are adults. Are they going to take your side? Do you have a son who would be physically a match, or superior to your husband? That would help when dealing with a bully. Either way, my advice is to talk to other members of your family and make a plan for your exit strategy. Do not confront your husband alone. Have someone there as a support/referee when you break the news. Good luck.


    I dont believe I saw anyone advise the OP to endure a long court trial?
    Of course, seeing as how you don't think a husband can rape his wife, I'm not surprised you don't think she should report him. Also, you shouldn't be advocating violence or threats of violence as some kind of defence. I think this is a bad enough relationship without bringing more violence into it, & actively encouraging her own children to get involved is just wrong.


    OP, as some on here have advised, it is rape, just so you are aware & do not allow yourself to be persuaded otherwise. What you do about it it entirely your decision. Don't think for a minute you are in the wrong, you are not.
    This is not a healthy relationship & I think everyone will advise you to leave, anyway you can.


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    #100
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,970 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    Whymeme wrote: »
    I'm still so confused. I've been made to feel like I'm making a big deal of nothing. He said sorry so that's that. I've been snapoy for sure, but whatever. Airways taking things the wrong way, that's me.

    He's trying to minimise what he did and that's what's confusing you. You know in your head what happened. There is no explanation for it.

    You made a decision you thought would be right for you but it hasn't worked out. It doesn't have to be a concrete decision and you don't have to stick by it no matter what.

    Click the Women's Aid link and think about giving them a call. https://www.womensaid.ie/

    Or call the solicitor who acted for you before, I'm presuming there was a solicitor involved previously?

    But find help to get out of the situation as quickly as possible and as safely as possible.


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    #101
    grames_bond
    Registered Users Posts: 9,820 ✭✭✭grames_bond


    sallyanne12 wrote: »
    And as I said I wouldn't be surprised if its rape when I delve deep into it and if it happened to me I'd be livid but initially wouldn't have thought so. No need for mean words against me :(

    why would you be livid? I am assuming it is because someone had sex with you that you did not consent to?....there's another word for that....rape!
    Whymeme wrote: »
    I'm still so confused. I've been made to feel like I'm making a big deal of nothing. He said sorry so that's that. I've been snapoy for sure, but whatever. Airways taking things the wrong way, that's me.

    He is gaslighting you for sure - you have done absolutely 100% nothing wrong, he rapped you and is trying to minimise the assault and make you doubt yourself. Rapists tend to do that to make themselves feel better - if they downplay it and you don't take it seriously, they have done nothing wrong right? no of course not! Please look after yourself and talk to whoever you can to help!


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    #102
    kowloonkev
    Registered Users Posts: 2,159 ✭✭✭kowloonkev


    bubblypop wrote: »
    I dont believe I saw anyone advise the OP to endure a long court trial?
    Of course, seeing as how you don't think a husband can rape his wife, I'm not surprised you don't think she should report him. Also, you shouldn't be advocating violence or threats of violence as some kind of defence. I think this is a bad enough relationship without bringing more violence into it, & actively encouraging her own children to get involved is just wrong.


    OP, as some on here have advised, it is rape, just so you are aware & do not allow yourself to be persuaded otherwise. What you do about it it entirely your decision. Don't think for a minute you are in the wrong, you are not.
    This is not a healthy relationship & I think everyone will advise you to leave, anyway you can.

    Please don't fabricate opinions and blatantly lie in order to satisfy your outrage and prolong a disagreement.

    I never said a husband can't rape his wife and I didn't advocate violence. I advised the OP to have someone with her who is a physical match to stop him attacking her. It called being proactive.

    Mods, I know I have not included any new advice for the OP here but I think it's that the dishonesty of the post I quoted is addressed.


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    #103
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 18,749 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    kowloonkev wrote: »
    I think a marriage certificate is consent unless he was threatening or physically abusive during the act or she said no for whatever reason.
    .

    here you are, you don't believe a man can rape his wife unless he uses violence.

    A marriage certificate is NOT consent..


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    #104
    crazy maisie
    Registered Users Posts: 16 ✭crazy maisie


    I am so sorry for this happening to you. What he did was not just assault, it was RAPE. Even in marriages and relationships, non-consensual sex is rape. He should not have done this. You should ring rape crisis centre for advice and direction.
    Also relationship counselling could help him see that he was wrong.


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