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23-06-2017, 11:44   #46
bobdcow
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Knock Knock...

Who's there?

Biggish

Biggish Who?

No thanks...
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23-06-2017, 11:50   #47
GBX
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I said to the wife, I've got a problem.
She replied. "No we have a problem.
We are a couple, we're a unit."
"Your problem is my problem. We are in this together."

" Over whelmed with relief, I said, "it's hardly worth mentioning now," but she was insistent on knowing.
" What is the problem?"
I then had to explain to her that, " WE have got your sister pregnant!
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23-06-2017, 23:32   #48
MonkieSocks
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2

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24-06-2017, 15:16   #49
Microdot
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Martin McGuinness arrives at the Pearly Gates, there's no-one around so he rattles them until he sees some activity.

St Peter comes out to the gates, recognises Martin and says "Heck, I wasn't expecting to see you up here".

Martin replies "I don't know why not, I phoned half an hour ago with a warning".
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25-06-2017, 18:36   #50
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A Man with Authority walks into a Bar and Orders everyone a round!
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26-06-2017, 11:16   #51
branie2
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Where do you go dancing in California?

San Frandisco
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26-06-2017, 15:22   #52
fcastle
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My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!" I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support.
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26-06-2017, 15:40   #53
Grayson
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PlentyOhToole View Post
I'll probably get banned for this:

Did you hear the joke about the German sausage? It was the wurst.
What's the first thing a german does when making breakfast?

Invade the kitchen.
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26-06-2017, 16:26   #54
Wailin
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What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but the people in Abu Dhabi do.
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26-06-2017, 19:23   #55
MonkieSocks
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For years I thought my wife had Tourettes.

Turns out she really does think I'm a Cnut and wants me to fook off.
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27-06-2017, 00:40   #56
Suckit
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During a job interview:
"What is your greatest weakness?"
"Honesty."
"I don't think honesty is a weakness."
"I don't give a fuck what you think."
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29-06-2017, 20:01   #57
chewed
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I started a boat business in the attic.

The sails are going through the roof.
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30-06-2017, 23:11   #58
everlast75
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As well as having enjoyed a successful career with A-ha, Morton Harket also invented Norway's first martial art, Tae Kwon Meeeee...
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30-06-2017, 23:52   #59
MonkieSocks
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One day in the jungle, a chimpanzee was inventing some tools to eat his dinner.

One tool was a flat stick sharpened along one edge, this he used to cut his food.

The other was a stick with four smaller sticks attached to the end each sharpened to a point.

He used to spear his food and place it in his mouth.

The chimp was very proud of his inventions, which he called his one point tool and his four point tool.

One day he awoke to find that the four point tool was missing.

The chimp was distraught. He ran around the jungle trying to find his precious tool.

First he came upon the lion.
”Lion, Lion!” he cried, “Have you seen my four point tool?”

”No” replied the lion, “I have not seen your four point tool.”

Then the chimp came upon the gorilla.
”Gorilla, Gorilla!” he cried, “Have you seen my four point tool?”

”No” replied the gorilla, “I have not seen your four point tool.”

Then the chimp came upon the jaguar.
”Jaguar, Jaguar!” he cried, “Have you seen my four point tool?”

”Yup!” replied the jaguar, “I’ve seen your four point tool.”

”Well where is it?” inquired the chimp.

”I ate it” said the jaguar, smugly.

”Why would you do that?” cried the chimp.






”Because” replied the big cat, “I’m a four point tool eater Jaguar!”
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01-07-2017, 01:35   #60
PlentyOhToole
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^^^need to post that in the motors forum
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