Hen party - is it ok to decline because it's costing too much?

michellie · 11-01-2019 2:27pm

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

I was just about to post the exact same theory on why people do these big fancy hens! Purely so they can show off on social media!

Sometimes its simply because people want to go away and enjoy themselves though. Has anyone thought about that?

Bandana boy · 11-01-2019 3:00pm

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

I was just about to post the exact same theory on why people do these big fancy hens! Purely so they can show off on social media!

There was expensive* stag and hen parties before Social media !

Sometimes people like things that are expensive* .
you are not wrong for thinking its to much money for me to spend on that activity.
But neither are they wrong for thinking its exactly the amount of money I am willing to pay for this activity .

*expensive is all about perspective

woodchuck · 11-01-2019 3:18pm

michellie wrote: »

Sometimes its simply because people want to go away and enjoy themselves though. Has anyone thought about that?

People can go away and enjoy themselves any time they want without doing it as their hen though.

The thing with a hen is that often friends genuinely want to go. It's a nice opportunity for different groups of friends/relatives to get to know each other a bit before the wedding.

But by turning the hen into an expensive event, there will naturally be people who want to go, but can't afford it. And it's a shame to exclude people purely because of financial reasons. Would it not be better to have a low key / cheaper hen so that everyone who wants to go, actually can?

GingerLily · 11-01-2019 3:33pm

michellie wrote: »

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

I was just about to post the exact same theory on why people do these big fancy hens! Purely so they can show off on social media!

Sometimes its simply because people want to go away and enjoy themselves though. Has anyone thought about that?

If i was getting married again I think I would definitely have still had my weekend away hen, but limited the invite list as seeing from this thread, most people resent an invitation if they feel it too extravagant and expensive.

The Bridesmaids probably thought they were being nice, extending the invitation to all the Brides close friends going to the wedding, they probably didn't realise the distress its obviously caused!

I wonder would noses still be ruffled if they didn't get an invite, or would there be more offence?

....... · 11-01-2019 3:41pm

One of the nicest hens I ever went to was in the brides family home where a number of people (me included) drank tea!

There was cake and snacks and we had a lovely time just hanging out in different rooms looking at old photos and the older ladies telling us funny stories.

Highlight of the night was the strippogram - the older ladies were very raucous!

The bride herself was also drinking tea (she was a non drinker) and it was just a lovely close time where I really felt involved (as a friend of the bride) with her close friends and family.

It doesnt need to be a weekend away or even a big drinking session.

I didnt have one myself because I eloped but when i got home we had a post wedding hens which was just a night out - no meal, just out to a late bar.

splinter65 · 11-01-2019 4:12pm

The organizer clearly knows the circumstances of each of the hens. Is it so difficult then to expect her to realise that although Mary who is single has no kids and is on a €65000+ salary can easily afford the €400+ weekend away but Margaret who has 3 kids and who’s husband is on Illness Benefit cannot?
It’s really not rocket science.
Thoughtlessness is what it amounts to.

splinter65 · 11-01-2019 4:13pm

....... wrote: »

One of the nicest hens I ever went to was in the brides family home where a number of people (me included) drank tea!

There was cake and snacks and we had a lovely time just hanging out in different rooms looking at old photos and the older ladies telling us funny stories.

Highlight of the night was the strippogram - the older ladies were very raucous!

The bride herself was also drinking tea (she was a non drinker) and it was just a lovely close time where I really felt involved (as a friend of the bride) with her close friends and family.

It doesnt need to be a weekend away or even a big drinking session.

I didnt have one myself because I eloped but when i got home we had a post wedding hens which was just a night out - no meal, just out to a late bar.

Sounds perfect.

Triceratops Ballet · 11-01-2019 4:30pm

splinter65 wrote: »

The organizer clearly knows the circumstances of each of the hens. Is it so difficult then to expect her to realise that although Mary who is single has no kids and is on a €65000+ salary can easily afford the €400+ weekend away but Margaret who has 3 kids and who’s husband is on Illness Benefit cannot?
It’s really not rocket science.
Thoughtlessness is what it amounts to.

I also think the circumstances of the wedding have to be factored in, are you travelling for the wedding and staying at the wedding venue for 2/3 nights (if there's a 2nd day shindig) if a couple is paying for 2/3 nights away to attend your wedding your hens/stags should be local enough. If your wedding is local and the guests can stay at home then an away hen/stag is grand

splinter65 · 11-01-2019 4:39pm

Triceratops Ballet wrote: »

I also think the circumstances of the wedding have to be factored in, are you travelling for the wedding and staying at the wedding venue for 2/3 nights (if there's a 2nd day shindig) if a couple is paying for 2/3 nights away to attend your wedding your hens/stags should be local enough. If your wedding is local and the guests can stay at home then an away hen/stag is grand

As I said I think it’s just thoughtlessness and lack of consideration. Unfortunately it appears that the most thoughtless person seems to be the most likely to be volunteering to be the organizer resulting in the very situation the OP finds herself in.

seasidedub · 11-01-2019 4:47pm

Is it just me or does anyone else think the whole engagement/hen/wedding thing in Ireland has gone out of control and basically mirrors the US? Engagement rings: does anyone realise that loads of EU countries don't even have the concept? It's a real American thing of a man having to spend x amount of money, supposedly 3 months wages on a gemstone. To put his stamp on her so's to speak......It's a huge expense and for what? It's meaningless. Then the hen party nonsense - when did they need to be so expensive? What was wrong with a bit of a night out with a few friends? Now there are trips to London, Paris etc. with "activities" which can cost a fortune. A colleague recently went to London for one, cost a lot and they missed dinner most of the nights because the other girls took too long getting ready and applying their fake tan. Jaysus wept. Then, the wedding - has to be a "destination wedding" nowadays, usually some castle etc., which involves a costly overnight stay at the least. And there are "2nd day bbqs" or dinners or something. And the drama of brideszillas and bridesmaids and mad preparations of fake tans etc. It's all mental. And for what? these people have mainly lived together, they are not actually starting a life together and this is the big "debut" or something. Relative recently got married. Was renting with partner in area X where they wanted to stay, but it was a pricey area. They spend about 60k on the wedding and bought in a slightly cheaper area. Madness - a wedding is a day, your house is for life(ish) there is no way I'd sacrifice where I wanted to live for one day of a party with someone I already live with..... or alternatively you could knock 50k off the mortgage immediately. Bonkers. I just don't get it. And I am a woman by the way.

Alf Veedersane · 11-01-2019 4:47pm

seasidedub wrote: »

Is it just me or does anyone else think the whole engagement/hen/wedding thing in Ireland has gone out of control and basically mirrors the US? Engagement rings: does anyone realise that loads of EU countries don't even have the concept? It's a real American thing of a man having to spend x amount of money, supposedly 3 months wages on a gemstone. To put his stamp on her so's to speak......It's a huge expense and for what? It's meaningless. Then the hen party nonsense - when did they need to be so expensive? What was wrong with a bit of a night out with a few friends? Now there are trips to London, Paris etc. with "activities" which can cost a fortune. A colleague recently went to London for one, cost a lot and they missed dinner most of the nights because the other girls took too long getting ready and applying their fake tan. Jaysus wept. Then, the wedding - has to be a "destination wedding" nowadays, usually some castle etc., which involves a costly overnight stay at the least. And there are "2nd day bbqs" or dinners or something. And the drama of brideszillas and bridesmaids and mad preparations of fake tans etc. It's all mental. And for what? these people have mainly lived together, they are not actually starting a life together and this is the big "debut" or something. Relative recently got married. Was renting with partner in area X where they wanted to stay, but it was a pricey area. They spend about 60k on the wedding and bought in a slightly cheaper area. Madness - a wedding is a day, your house is for life(ish) there is no way I'd sacrifice where I wanted to live for one day of a party with someone I already live with..... or alternatively you could knock 50k off the mortgage immediately. Bonkers. I just don't get it. And I am a woman by the way.

Choose life.

michellie · 11-01-2019 4:49pm

GingerLily wrote: »

If i was getting married again I think I would definitely have still had my weekend away hen, but limited the invite list as seeing from this thread, most people resent an invitation if they feel it too extravagant and expensive.

The Bridesmaids probably thought they were being nice, extending the invitation to all the Brides close friends going to the wedding, they probably didn't realise the distress its obviously caused!

I wonder would noses still be ruffled if they didn't get an invite, or would there be more offence?

10 of us went on mine €250 for 3 nights in Portugal, first time in years we had been away together, it was the best weekend ever. We're all still talking about it and hoping to book something similar when people stop getting pregnant haha

10/10 would recommend.

JustMe,K · 11-01-2019 4:49pm

seasidedub wrote: »

Is it just me or does anyone else think the whole engagement/hen/wedding thing in Ireland has gone out of control and basically mirrors the US? Engagement rings: does anyone realise that loads of EU countries don't even have the concept? It's a real American thing of a man having to spend x amount of money, supposedly 3 months wages on a gemstone. To put his stamp on her so's to speak......It's a huge expense and for what? It's meaningless. Then the hen party nonsense - when did they need to be so expensive? What was wrong with a bit of a night out with a few friends? Now there are trips to London, Paris etc. with "activities" which can cost a fortune. A colleague recently went to London for one, cost a lot and they missed dinner most of the nights because the other girls took too long getting ready and applying their fake tan. Jaysus wept. Then, the wedding - has to be a "destination wedding" nowadays, usually some castle etc., which involves a costly overnight stay at the least. And there are "2nd day bbqs" or dinners or something. And the drama of brideszillas and bridesmaids and mad preparations of fake tans etc. It's all mental. And for what? these people have mainly lived together, they are not actually starting a life together and this is the big "debut" or something. Relative recently got married. Was renting with partner in area X where they wanted to stay, but it was a pricey area. They spend about 60k on the wedding and bought in a slightly cheaper area. Madness - a wedding is a day, your house is for life(ish) there is no way I'd sacrifice where I wanted to live for one day of a party with someone I already live with..... or alternatively you could knock 50k off the mortgage immediately. Bonkers. I just don't get it. And I am a woman by the way.

I agree - and I raise you baby showers and gender reveals!

michellie · 11-01-2019 4:53pm

woodchuck wrote: »

People can go away and enjoy themselves any time they want without doing it as their hen though.

Yes lets not enjoy our hens.

I guess im lucky that im quiet gifted at planning and getting good prices for stuff, I wouldn't organise something that would be expensive. Some people couldnt plan a tea party.

seasidedub · 11-01-2019 4:58pm

"I agree - and I raise you baby showers and gender reveals!"

Are gender reveals really a thing.......? We truly are americanised.....

.... and about hens, I don't mean to sound like a grinch and it's up to people how they want to spend their money, the Portugal thing sounded good value etc., and if everyone in the group can afford it, grand. Just me personally, I'd rather clear or have less debt.

Sycamore Tree · 11-01-2019 4:59pm

Don't go OP. Foreign hens and stags should be completely optional. They are damn expensive all things considered. Nobody will remenber whether you went to the hen or not after the wedding. Hell, nobody will remenber the wedding after a year or so!

JustMe,K · 11-01-2019 5:05pm

seasidedub wrote: »

"I agree - and I raise you baby showers and gender reveals!"

Are gender reveals really a thing.......? We truly are americanised.....

.

Unfortunately. I had the misfortune of being in a bar having dinner one (mid week) evening recently while there was one taking place. Big gang of people waiting for the black balloon to be popped, and the pink confetti to spill out everywhere. And thats not the only one I've witnessed.

Gender reveal = presents
Baby shower = presents
Birth of child = presents
Christening = presents

Its just spend spend spend!

Triceratops Ballet · 11-01-2019 5:10pm

michellie wrote: »

10 of us went on mine €250 for 3 nights in Portugal, first time in years we had been away together, it was the best weekend ever. We're all still talking about it and hoping to book something similar when people stop getting pregnant haha

10/10 would recommend.

I think it's different when all the attendees of a hen are friends with each other though, that's easy to organise it's just going away on holiday with your friends and you all know what each other is in to and have an understanding of what everyone int he group can afford. When a hen consists of 3/4 childhood friends, 3/4 college friends and groups of 1/2 friends from different jobs with a cousin or two thrown in it's a different story. It's important that everyone is included as much as possible, if their name was given to the bridesmaid/organiser it's because the bride wanted them there, the organiser should endeavour to make it accessible to everyone the bride wants there.

Alf Veedersane · 11-01-2019 5:25pm

Triceratops Ballet wrote: »

When a hen consists of 3/4 childhood friends, 3/4 college friends and groups of 1/2 friends from different jobs

I read that thinking "Triceratops Ballet needs to go back to fraction school because that does not compute"...until I realised...

woodchuck · 11-01-2019 5:33pm

michellie wrote: »

Yes lets not enjoy our hens.

I guess im lucky that im quiet gifted at planning and getting good prices for stuff, I wouldn't organise something that would be expensive. Some people couldnt plan a tea party.

Who said anything about not enjoying the hen? I think the point that a lot of people here are trying to make is that you don't need to go foreign to have a good time with your friends.

And that's great if you managed to get a good price, but it's not the case for the hen the OP has been invited to. So I think it's completely reasonable that she turns down the invite, but it's a shame that she has to.

splinter65 · 11-01-2019 5:34pm

kcdiom wrote: »

I agree - and I raise you baby showers and gender reveals!

Baby showers....the horror... gender reveals... ludicrous. I’m really glad our economy is so healthy and so many people are so wealthy that they can afford all these shallow meaningless get togethers. It’s interesting that it’s mainly a female thing and there’s always copious amounts of wine slushing around...
Seriously, good luck to all the entrepreneurs out there (mostly women too) who are making a quick buck out of all this while it lasts. The cake makers, the helium balloon providers, the caterers, the professional party planners, the fake tan producers, the hairdressers, the nail bar technicians, the stripprograms of both sexes, as my mother says, if they were waiting to make a living out of me and my mates they’d be in the poor house long ago!!
Makes you wonder though when people can easily afford all these things why there’s such a huge swathe of the population that can’t pay their rent/mortgage?

retro:electro · 11-01-2019 5:36pm

Baby showers and gender reveals are pure notions but they’re for the most part alcohol free events. It would be a bit tragic to get sloshed at one.

Toots · 11-01-2019 5:38pm

Guys, can we please keep replies on topic and helpful to the OP?

SozBbz · 11-01-2019 5:38pm

I've only been on the organising side of a hen once and we were very conscious of getting value for money. The bride didnt want to know, but did stipulate 2 things - that it be affordable and over 2 nights.

We capped it at €200 but for that, the hens got 2 nights accommodation, formal fine dining dinner in a private dining room on night one, daytime activity on day 2 followed by a drinks and pizza party which was fully catered for, boxes of prosecco and a gin bar, mixers, garnishes and selection of beers (some brought their own drink but we were well stocked, there was leftovers that got drunk at 3am when we came back in by some of the hardier hens

) We covered taxis in and out of the town and even managed to have a little left over which we put behind the bar on the 2nd night.

Now, we really shopped around to get the best value, but we knew there were people with a variety of circumstances attending and plenty of the girls commented (from both ends of the spectrum)that they didnt know how we got so much for the money.

While like the OP, i have the money, but I really object to people spending it on my behalf and without my concent. IMO circa €200 is the norm for a 2 night hen in Ireland. If you want to go above that, you need to expect some pushback/drop outs.

Personally, I'm not really having a hen, I'm not even having bridesmaids. My friends have said they want to do something which is very lovely of them but all I want (at most) is a day out in Dublin, maybe followed by a nice dinner. I'm not a great one for surprises, so we're talking about going to the zoo or maybe trampolining, followed by a tasting menu somewhere (almost all my friends are foodies). I just find hens exhausting, so for me thats more than enough.

splinter65 · 11-01-2019 5:39pm

retro:electro wrote: »

Baby showers and gender reveals are pure notions but they’re for the most part alcohol free events. It would be a bit tragic to get sloshed at one.

Are they? My colleague goes to lots of these things (she’s that age) and she says they’d be intolerable if it wasn’t for the “medication”. Maybe she means she brings her own hip flask.

splinter65 · 11-01-2019 5:41pm

Toots wrote: »

Guys, can we please keep replies on topic and helpful to the OP?

Sorry toots. Please forgive. Great chat going on and forgot about the OP.

LirW · 11-01-2019 5:47pm

michellie wrote: »

Yes lets not enjoy our hens.

I guess im lucky that im quiet gifted at planning and getting good prices for stuff, I wouldn't organise something that would be expensive. Some people couldnt plan a tea party.

Nobody says people shouldn't enjoy their hen. I think it is an issue though that some people get to organise them that turn them (accidentally) into quite exclusive events when they should bring various nearest and dearest of the bride together.
If the bride chose a bridal party made up from college friends that all earn around the same and have little commitments chances are they might not even think about that some of the bride's family lives rural, has kids, live off one income.

250 for 3 days in Portugal is good value - doesn't change the fact that this is still a lot of money for other people and some can't afford that. And those who can't would very much like to join but are left feeling bad because they don't have the spare cash on top of the expense to attend the wedding itself.

It's nice going away for a weekend - given the attendants can comfortably afford it.
Someone else said it earlier here, these events are sometimes made exclusive when they should be inclusive.

jesso22 · 16-01-2019 7:12pm

Wow, that is extortionate. If you tell your friend that you won't be able to attend for reasons that will be apparent at the time. And could you both do something else nice together or with a small group. Could be a meal, or spa day or the like.
It would be a shame if she didn't understand when she realised her hen involves a plane trip.

Hen party - is it ok to decline because it's costing too much?

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