Hen party - is it ok to decline because it's costing too much?

michellie

We went to portugal for my hen, just 10 of my closest friends. It cost 250 per person for flights hotel and buses(here and portugal) i thought that was reasonable enough.

I didn't want anything too expensive, you would pay that for 2 nights in Ireland somewhere, i made up gift bags for all the girls, we had the best weekend ever.100% would recommend if its affordable. Lying around the pool with your best friends laughing all day long, nothing like it.

dee_mc

Just say 'It's more than I'd budgeted for, so I can't go'.
Then decide what you think is a reasonable budget, and offer to do a mini-hen with the bride (and maybe some of the other hens who'll inevitably cancel because of the cost), as others have suggested above.
I know some people are saying you'll regret it if you don't just fork out and go, but honestly it sounds like you'll resent it if you do go! Best thing all round is to do what suits you and stand by it.
If the bride is a true friend, she won't have any issue with it. If she ends up declining to attend your hen when it happens, or if it effects your friendship going forward, more fool her.

Wildly Boaring

I've skipped rhe stag of 2 of my mates.

Both for same reasons.

It's perfectly normal.

In one instance I think about 4 from Ireland went and we still slag the groom and 4 boys for ridiculousness of it all.

Everyone normal understands that priorities in life are set and generally a piss up has to fall down the priorities.

We all had the money to go to these stags. We choose not to use it for drinking.

Del.Monte

endacl wrote: »

God be with the days when a hen/stag was just a night out with friends.

+100

We had a combined Hen/Stag and a gang of us went out and got pissed together and then went home. This Hen/Stag nonsense has become a steaming pile and should be relegated to history. Perhaps if the OP feels obliged to go they should deduct the cost of the trip from the wedding present?

splinter65

Del.Monte wrote: »

+100

We had a combined Hen/Stag and a gang of us went out and got pissed together and then went home. This Hen/Stag nonsense has become a steaming pile and should be relegated to history. Perhaps if the OP feels obliged to go they should deduct the cost of the trip from the wedding present?

I think it’s close to having had its day or maybe that’s just wishful thinking.
To me anything more then a meal followed by drinks and possibly a nightclub for those who want to go is crass and a kinda vulgar statement.
Hens were belonging to a time when a girl was still living at home or with roommates right up until she got married and after she got married she’d really only be going out for a night with her husband from then on. So it really was her last night out as a single woman.
Same goes for honeymoons. The week in a caravan in Fitzgerald’s caravan park in Tramore was for a bit of privacy for your first night together plus a getting to know you warts and all trial.
Now as far as I can see it’s completely unnecessary further expense piled onto the rest.

appledrop

Just say your not going as costs too much. Who are these people who go away on foreign holidays for hens? None of my friends or family would dream of anything like this. Absolutely ridiculous to expect people to drop everything + fly to another country. That would annoy me more than cost. In real world people have a lot going on. At least at hens in Ireand it's usually only one night or if more you can just go for one + no one minds.

miamee

splinter65 wrote: »

I think it’s close to having had its day or maybe that’s just wishful thinking.
To me anything more then a meal followed by drinks and possibly a nightclub for those who want to go is crass and a kinda vulgar statement.
Hens were belonging to a time when a girl was still living at home or with roommates right up until she got married and after she got married she’d really only be going out for a night with her husband from then on. So it really was her last night out as a single woman.
Same goes for honeymoons. The week in a caravan in Fitzgerald’s caravan park in Tramore was for a bit of privacy for your first night together plus a getting to know you warts and all trial.
Now as far as I can see it’s completely unnecessary further expense piled onto the rest.

Bumped into an old friend of OH's recently who told us he had just got married two days earlier. We asked were they off on honeymoon soon and he said no, they'd had the honeymoon before the wedding because organising a wedding was so stressful and they were looking forward to the holiday more :pac:

jenjoeful

Thank you for everyones' responses.
So I've opted to not attend the hen, but haven't quite worked out how to tell the bride without spilling the beans on the cost. I know she will understand, but the only sad part, she won't understand probably until her hen party, by then she will have already declined my budget friendly and in the same country hen. But hey, that's life!

Ya the tickets were booked without me saying I was available to attend the date, or wanting to go. But I never came out and asked for the costs upfront either (nobody did, there was an assumption by the organisers that it would be cheap, but they never checked costs until 3 months later). I should have known that it as going to stack up. The ticket for the event can definitely be sold very easily. I'm not being pushed into it, there is no pressure. I'm just putting pressure on myself to do the right thing for my friend.

Agreed hen parties should appeal to the audience, something to eat, a dance, and maybe activity is enough nowadays. At the end of the day, a hen party is a bunch of various groups summoned together, it's not always the best mix of ppl, and everyone has their own priorities, so making it as 'easy' on everyone should be taken into consideration from a cost, time and fun perspective.

For anyone planning a hen going forward and happen to read this thread, - think before you go all out on a hen party, remember we all have the same goal, we want to support and have fun with the bride, it's not about a big fancy holiday to show off on social media, to make other ppl that haven't been able to go abroad for hen parties feel sh!t about themselves..... It's about getting excited about the wedding, having fun, showing the bride we care and making maybe even new friends!!

loyatemu

the bride should be roughly aware of how much the hen is costing, or should have discussed it with the organiser in advance. These are adults we're talking about, not children being taken on a surprise trip to Disneyland. As others have said, at that price you're probably not the only person pulling out. She's going to want to know why several of her friends aren't attending.

Bandana boy

I don't get all the people who are so upset with people having extravagant Stag/Hen do's and honeymoons .
if you can't/won't spend that money don't , but why begrudge other people spending their money the way they want to .

jenjoeful

Bandana boy wrote: »

I don't get all the people who are so upset with people having extravagant Stag/Hen do's and honeymoons .
if you can't/won't spend that money don't , but why begrudge other people spending their money the way they want to .

People are more than welcome to have extravagant hen parties, weddings, and honeymoons. Go for it!
However when you inflict an expensive hen party on people that genuinely want to celebrate with a bride to be, but can't afford it, that extravagant hen party results in possible animosity between the bride and her friend, the friend not able to go feeling guilty (and let's face it a little bit sh!t for the reasons she can't attend and have to admit it maybe) and also feeling left out. So go for the extravagance, but just be a little more empathetic to the list of friends the bride has explicitly says she wants there. If the bridesmaids want to go on an extravagant holiday, take the bride, she will love it, but for everyone else, do something that everyone can at least try and be involved in.

Flippyfloppy

jenjoeful wrote: »

it's not about a big fancy holiday to show off on social media,

I was just about to post the exact same theory on why people do these big fancy hens! Purely so they can show off on social media!

loyatemu

Bandana boy wrote: »

I don't get all the people who are so upset with people having extravagant Stag/Hen do's and honeymoons .
if you can't/won't spend that money don't , but why begrudge other people spending their money the way they want to .

people can do what they like with their own money but if you're invited to a stag/hen there's an expectation that you will go and people feel guilty if they can't.

Whoever is organising should try to ensure they don't exclude people because of cost, and IMO the bride/groom should be involved to make sure the organiser isn't getting carried away (of course it's often the bride or groom who's getting carried away too).

splinter65

Bandana boy wrote: »

I don't get all the people who are so upset with people having extravagant Stag/Hen do's and honeymoons .
if you can't/won't spend that money don't , but why begrudge other people spending their money the way they want to .

I’d like to celebrate the brides upcoming nuptials. But I wouldn’t be able to go at the prices being quoted. So that’s fine if you can afford to splash out but what about the brides family and friends who can’t afford it?

Alf Veedersane

Bandana boy wrote: »

I don't get all the people who are so upset with people having extravagant Stag/Hen do's and honeymoons .
if you can't/won't spend that money don't , but why begrudge other people spending their money the way they want to .

I don't get upset with people having an expensive stag/hen do. But the reality is that they can be unnecessarily expensive for what they are and that potentially excludes friends of the bride who would like to go but can't afford to. That kinda goes against the basic concept of a hen/stag do.

Especially where the organiser has chosen the location and activities based on what they can afford without any input from anyone else.

Triceratops Ballet

Alf Veedersane wrote: »

I don't get upset with people having an expensive stag/hen do. But the reality is that they can be unnecessarily expensive for what they are and that potentially excludes friends of the bride who would like to go but can't afford to. That kinda goes against the basic concept of a hen/stag do.

Especially where the organiser has chosen the location and activities based on what they can afford without any input from anyone else.

I often think that if some brides knew how their bridesmaids treated their friends /guests in the run up to a hen that would be some lifelong friendships ended in one fell swoop

witchgirl26

Bandana boy wrote: »

I don't get all the people who are so upset with people having extravagant Stag/Hen do's and honeymoons .
if you can't/won't spend that money don't , but why begrudge other people spending their money the way they want to .

That's fine but often times the bride isn't aware of the cost as she's not necessarily involved in the planning/paying of the hen. I know a lot of people who would have been shocked at how much friends were being charged for the hen to cover it all.

I think you have to take into account the people being invited and their budgets. That's why when I'm having mine, I'd like to be a bit involved in the planning as I'd know some peoples situations more than the bridesmaids and can steer it to something I'd like but that the majority of people I'd want there could also afford.

And I also think that for hens or weddings themselves, if you are doing something that you really want but that is going to cost guests a lot of money, you can't get annoyed if people can't go because of that.

OP - I'd say it to your friend who's the bride that the overall cost was just too much what with your own wedding coming up and had gone over the budget you'd set for yourself. Say you'd love to see her at yours and maybe arrange to meet her for dinner on your own as a nice gesture.

.......

Bandana boy wrote: »

I don't get all the people who are so upset with people having extravagant Stag/Hen do's and honeymoons .
if you can't/won't spend that money don't , but why begrudge other people spending their money the way they want to .

Because it makes it exclusive when it should be inclusive.

cailinoBAC

I think brides should be quite clear with their bridal party about what they want, especially about budget, number of nights (if any) and whether they want to go abroad or not. If they haven't done that, then they are partly to blame, even if they don't know the plans or how much it's going to cost. If they say they want to go away to a European city for a weekend they should give an approx budget and if it's not going to work out at that then choose somewhere else. If that budget is higher than some people can afford then they need to be ok with some people declining.

retro:electro

cailinoBAC wrote: »

I think brides should be quite clear with their bridal party about what they want, especially about budget, number of nights (if any) and whether they want to go abroad or not.

To be fair most brides usually are. Any hen I’ve been involved in there’s always been a few instructions, one night only, not too far, not too dear. It’s rare the bride who will give away total control, usually there are some ground rules. I think anything more than one night is a burden to most people, both financially and time wise. Weddings themselves are costly enough affairs and can take some budgeting for never mind anything extra. A good night out in town on the tear is vastly under appreciated imo!

michellie

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

I was just about to post the exact same theory on why people do these big fancy hens! Purely so they can show off on social media!

Sometimes its simply because people want to go away and enjoy themselves though. Has anyone thought about that?

Bandana boy

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

I was just about to post the exact same theory on why people do these big fancy hens! Purely so they can show off on social media!

There was expensive* stag and hen parties before Social media !

Sometimes people like things that are expensive* .
you are not wrong for thinking its to much money for me to spend on that activity.
But neither are they wrong for thinking its exactly the amount of money I am willing to pay for this activity .



*expensive is all about perspective

woodchuck

michellie wrote: »

Sometimes its simply because people want to go away and enjoy themselves though. Has anyone thought about that?

People can go away and enjoy themselves any time they want without doing it as their hen though.

The thing with a hen is that often friends genuinely want to go. It's a nice opportunity for different groups of friends/relatives to get to know each other a bit before the wedding.

But by turning the hen into an expensive event, there will naturally be people who want to go, but can't afford it. And it's a shame to exclude people purely because of financial reasons. Would it not be better to have a low key / cheaper hen so that everyone who wants to go, actually can?

GingerLily

michellie wrote: »

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

I was just about to post the exact same theory on why people do these big fancy hens! Purely so they can show off on social media!

Sometimes its simply because people want to go away and enjoy themselves though. Has anyone thought about that?

If i was getting married again I think I would definitely have still had my weekend away hen, but limited the invite list as seeing from this thread, most people resent an invitation if they feel it too extravagant and expensive.

The Bridesmaids probably thought they were being nice, extending the invitation to all the Brides close friends going to the wedding, they probably didn't realise the distress its obviously caused!

I wonder would noses still be ruffled if they didn't get an invite, or would there be more offence?

.......

One of the nicest hens I ever went to was in the brides family home where a number of people (me included) drank tea!

There was cake and snacks and we had a lovely time just hanging out in different rooms looking at old photos and the older ladies telling us funny stories.

Highlight of the night was the strippogram - the older ladies were very raucous!

The bride herself was also drinking tea (she was a non drinker) and it was just a lovely close time where I really felt involved (as a friend of the bride) with her close friends and family.

It doesnt need to be a weekend away or even a big drinking session.

I didnt have one myself because I eloped but when i got home we had a post wedding hens which was just a night out - no meal, just out to a late bar.

splinter65

The organizer clearly knows the circumstances of each of the hens. Is it so difficult then to expect her to realise that although Mary who is single has no kids and is on a €65000+ salary can easily afford the €400+ weekend away but Margaret who has 3 kids and who’s husband is on Illness Benefit cannot?
It’s really not rocket science.
Thoughtlessness is what it amounts to.

splinter65

....... wrote: »

One of the nicest hens I ever went to was in the brides family home where a number of people (me included) drank tea!

There was cake and snacks and we had a lovely time just hanging out in different rooms looking at old photos and the older ladies telling us funny stories.

Highlight of the night was the strippogram - the older ladies were very raucous!

The bride herself was also drinking tea (she was a non drinker) and it was just a lovely close time where I really felt involved (as a friend of the bride) with her close friends and family.

It doesnt need to be a weekend away or even a big drinking session.

I didnt have one myself because I eloped but when i got home we had a post wedding hens which was just a night out - no meal, just out to a late bar.

Sounds perfect.

Triceratops Ballet

splinter65 wrote: »

The organizer clearly knows the circumstances of each of the hens. Is it so difficult then to expect her to realise that although Mary who is single has no kids and is on a €65000+ salary can easily afford the €400+ weekend away but Margaret who has 3 kids and who’s husband is on Illness Benefit cannot?
It’s really not rocket science.
Thoughtlessness is what it amounts to.

I also think the circumstances of the wedding have to be factored in, are you travelling for the wedding and staying at the wedding venue for 2/3 nights (if there's a 2nd day shindig) if a couple is paying for 2/3 nights away to attend your wedding your hens/stags should be local enough. If your wedding is local and the guests can stay at home then an away hen/stag is grand

splinter65

Triceratops Ballet wrote: »

I also think the circumstances of the wedding have to be factored in, are you travelling for the wedding and staying at the wedding venue for 2/3 nights (if there's a 2nd day shindig) if a couple is paying for 2/3 nights away to attend your wedding your hens/stags should be local enough. If your wedding is local and the guests can stay at home then an away hen/stag is grand

As I said I think it’s just thoughtlessness and lack of consideration. Unfortunately it appears that the most thoughtless person seems to be the most likely to be volunteering to be the organizer resulting in the very situation the OP finds herself in.

seasidedub

Is it just me or does anyone else think the whole engagement/hen/wedding thing in Ireland has gone out of control and basically mirrors the US? Engagement rings: does anyone realise that loads of EU countries don't even have the concept? It's a real American thing of a man having to spend x amount of money, supposedly 3 months wages on a gemstone. To put his stamp on her so's to speak......It's a huge expense and for what? It's meaningless. Then the hen party nonsense - when did they need to be so expensive? What was wrong with a bit of a night out with a few friends? Now there are trips to London, Paris etc. with "activities" which can cost a fortune. A colleague recently went to London for one, cost a lot and they missed dinner most of the nights because the other girls took too long getting ready and applying their fake tan. Jaysus wept. Then, the wedding - has to be a "destination wedding" nowadays, usually some castle etc., which involves a costly overnight stay at the least. And there are "2nd day bbqs" or dinners or something. And the drama of brideszillas and bridesmaids and mad preparations of fake tans etc. It's all mental. And for what? these people have mainly lived together, they are not actually starting a life together and this is the big "debut" or something. Relative recently got married. Was renting with partner in area X where they wanted to stay, but it was a pricey area. They spend about 60k on the wedding and bought in a slightly cheaper area. Madness - a wedding is a day, your house is for life(ish) there is no way I'd sacrifice where I wanted to live for one day of a party with someone I already live with..... or alternatively you could knock 50k off the mortgage immediately. Bonkers. I just don't get it. And I am a woman by the way.