Hen party - is it ok to decline because it's costing too much?

jenjoeful

I need advice. I have been invited to a hen party, which involves a plane ride. Overall the costs are coming in at circa €350-400, with certain costs (meals, transfers etc) not yet known. The hen party was chosen on the back of an event at the location and tickets were booked before the costs were discussed, now we are loaded with a rather large (and uncertain) bill.

I've brought it up as a concern with the organiser, but I wasn't shown much empathy. I feel really bad because I do want to go to the hen party cause I want to celebrate with my friend who is getting married but cannot agree to pay this amount, it goes against every fibre of my being. I've capped my own hen at €180 and I have asked for it to come in cheaper if possible. The awkward thing is - I assume the bride won't come to mine now either, but she doesn't know what the plan is and obviously the cost, so I will look bad for not going.

GingerLily

It doesn't sound like you've been pressured to attend, so I think it's up to you if you want to go, but as you said, it goes against every fibre of your being.

If the bride chooses to punish you by not going to your hen then she's just showing herself up, would you really want some there who is that immature and selfish?

jenjoeful

GingerLily wrote: »

It doesn't sound like you've been pressured to attend, so I think it's up to you if you want to go, but as you said, it goes against every fibre of your being.

If the bride chooses to punish you by not going to your hen then she's just showing herself up, would you really want some there who is that immature and selfish?

The bride doesn't know where it is, and how much it's costing. So unless I tell her, she will only know I'm not attending. It's just awkward!

Your right I'm not being pressured, but would genuinely like to go and support, if the conditions were more favourable.

DellyBelly

If the 350-400 include accommodation costs than it's not that expensive really.

GingerLily

jenjoeful wrote: »

The bride doesn't know where it is, and how much it's costing. So unless I tell her, she will only know I'm not attending. It's just awkward!

Your right I'm not being pressured, but would genuinely like to go and support, if the conditions were more favourable.

You can tell her, if she asks, that it's too expensive and you can't afford it.

Is there something else going on?

Are you annoyed at the bridesmaids for planning a hen you can't afford to attend?

infor123

Can you just opt out of the plane ride part and just go to the meal night out and hotel? Would be cheaper. Happens at most hens. I’ve organised a few and had my own and ppl just came to what suited them. I usually try to avoid the activity part unless it’s something fun that I want to do.

jenjoeful

No I don't really know them. It's more that the tickets were booked before any costs were provided, I didn't even say I was free to attend but a ticket was bought for me (which I'm sure can be sold), and now the costs are coming in, they are more than expected (summer hen party in a popular European city). the bride hasn't given any guidelines so this isn't exactly her wish, she just wants everyone to attend and have fun, I know she wouldn't like to pay this much if it were the other way round. I just feel like no thought or consideration was given.

.......

Just say you cant afford it so you wont be able to make it.

Its not a summons. Its quite likely you wont be the only one who cant afford it.

jenjoeful

GingerLily wrote: »

You can tell her, if she asks, that it's too expensive and you can't afford it.

Is there something else going on?

Are you annoyed at the bridesmaids for planning a hen you can't afford to attend?

sorry, I forgot to quote my previous message. I can afford, but that's not enough reason for me to go to something that I would feel completely hard done by on. On this occasion I would....

JustMe,K

Part of your costs are likely to be covering the brides cost also (particularly if she has no idea where the party is or what it is costing). I would just politely decline without getting into why, and offer a sum towards the brides portion.

Pelvis

infor123 wrote: »

Can you just opt out of the plane ride part and just go to the meal night out and hotel? Would be cheaper. Happens at most hens. I’ve organised a few and had my own and ppl just came to what suited them. I usually try to avoid the activity part unless it’s something fun that I want to do.

Err.. I assume they have to take a plane to get to the destination.

DellyBelly wrote: »

If the 350-400 include accommodation costs than it's not that expensive really.

If you can't afford to pay 350-400 then it is too expensive. Personally I think this kind of thing is ridiculous, making people fork out money to go on a glorified piss up.

OP, stop worrying about it, if you can't afford to go or can't justify paying then don't go. If the bride asks why then simply say it's working out too expensive. If she is a reasonable person then she will be fine with it, if she's not fine with it then she's an arsehole, and thus can be ignored.

jenjoeful

jenjoeful wrote: »

sorry, I forgot to quote my previous message. I can afford, but that's not enough reason for me to go to something that I would feel completely hard done by on. On this occasion I would....

Go, in 10 years you'll remember the Hen but not the money spent or saved. It's not really that much for a memory with your friends.

jenjoeful

kcdiom wrote: »

Part of your costs are likely to be covering the brides cost also (particularly if she has no idea where the party is or what it is costing). I would just politely decline without getting into why and offer a sum towards the bride's portion.

Actually no - the bridal party are covering this apparently. So it's down to the accommodation as it's is very very expensive, ticket and plane costs (again triple the usual cost). The meals, taxis, misc stuff has not yet been worked out.

Any hen party i've gone to, we've been given an expected cost, and in that cost is accommodation, meals, activity, lunch, breakfast and sometimes transfers. This is just plane, ticket and accommodation (which won't be good, clean is the goal)

retro:electro

When does it have to be paid by? If you really can’t afford to go then don’t go and don’t feel embarrassed for addressing why, it’s fairly steep. But if you can manage to put a few bob a week aside and budget for it over the coming weeks then do that, you’ll be surprised how quickly you can save a few quid. I’d say this is a case of the bridesmaids losing the run of themselves and the bride being oblivious to how much it’s actually costing everyone. Anything over €200 for a hen is mad money.

Edit: I just read your other posts and they booked your ticket before you even said you’ll be going?? Are you sure about that? That’s madness! I wouldn’t feel one bit bad for cancelling if that’s the case

L'prof

jenjoeful wrote: »

The bride doesn't know where it is, and how much it's costing. So unless I tell her, she will only know I'm not attending. It's just awkward!

Your right I'm not being pressured, but would genuinely like to go and support, if the conditions were more favourable.

Your friend will know that her hen is going to be abroad and that because of this less people will go due to the added expense. She’ll assume that you can’t go because of that, I wouldn’t worry about it

JustMe,K

jenjoeful wrote: »

Actually no - the bridal party are covering this apparently. So it's down to the accommodation as it's is very very expensive, ticket and plane costs (again triple the usual cost). The meals, taxis, misc stuff has not yet been worked out.

Any hen party i've gone to, we've been given an expected cost, and in that cost is accommodation, meals, activity, lunch, breakfast and sometimes transfers. This is just plane, ticket and accommodation (which won't be good, clean is the goal)

Could you go on the trip, and not attend whatever event the ticket is for?

solerina

DellyBelly wrote: »

If the 350-400 include accommodation costs than it's not that expensive really.

I think that’s very very expensive for a hen. Anything over 150 is a bit much to be expecting, and that should include dinner and an overnight at the very least.

ChrissieH

Personally I wouldn't go to it either, it's extremely expensive and I am shocked that anyone would book peoples' places on such an expensive hen without expressly checking with each person first? I've been on 11 hens in the past 3 years and money is always a consideration for everyone when organising / agreeing to attend, and like you, I had my own hen and ensured that it was affordable because I know how hard it can be to come up with the money.

I'm surprised that anyone thinks it's a fair price to pay for a hen party - if the costs are already at around €400 without any food or drink included, then I'm sure you can add around another €200 to that (assuming you're going to be at least 2 nights in this place) and that's absolutely ludicrous, as Pelvis said, for a piss-up... no way is that fair.

You said that the tickets were booked without anyone checking to see if you were even available that weekend, which is crazy and it's just bad planning on the bridesmaids' part, in all fairness... you can't do that to people.

It sounds like your issue is that you don't want to let your friend down, which is nice and understandable but surely you can't be the only girl who can't afford to go, so is there a possibility of organising a night out locally with her before or after her official hen, so that those of you who can't go, can still show her your support?
and as for her not knowing anything about it and the costs incurred - well I'm assuming her bridal party will have to tell her at some point that she needs her passport, so once she knows it's abroad, I assume she's going to know immediately that it's a lot more expensive than your average hen party, so I'm sure she'll understand why you couldn't go. I assume you're getting married in the near future yourself when you spoke about your own hen.. you have a lot of expenses coming up, don't feel obliged to spend money that you could use for something you really need.

GingerLily

It is an expensive hen, and the you don't want to spend that kind of money on the hen, then you shouldn't attend.

If you don't go and make a drama about not attending, then no one will be offended you can't go.

You can always arrange to meet the bride and do a mini celebration with her then?

miamee

If you feel uncomfortable spending that much on a hen weekend (and I would too), then say that it is working out too expensive for you. Even if the bride has no idea how much it will cost now, she'll know after the weekend that it must have cost a lot. You may not be the only one with concerns about the cost but if no one says anything then the bridesmaids will carry on regardless. If a few people say it's too expensive, they may try to adjust the costs where possible to make it more affordable. It doesn't sound too likely with a ticketed event but maybe they can work out different times to fly or different accommodation.

jlm29

You don’t have to tell the bride that you’re not going because of the expense. Just tell her you’re sorry, but you can’t make it. I wouldn’t go getting into explanations

retro:electro

I just can’t get over the cheek of them booking it without clarifying if you can go, and then the arseyness of them when you raise concerns! I would not feel bad about missing it. It’s not like you’re missing the wedding.

JustMe,K

miamee wrote: »

If you feel uncomfortable spending that much on a hen weekend (and I would too), then say that it is working out too expensive for you. Even if the bride has no idea how much it will cost now, she'll know after the weekend that it must have cost a lot. You may not be the only one with concerns about the cost but if no one says anything then the bridesmaids will carry on regardless. If a few people say it's too expensive, they may try to adjust the costs where possible to make it more affordable. It doesn't sound too likely with a ticketed event but maybe they can work out different times to fly or different accommodation.

This is quite true - I was at a he recently (there were around 20 of us), it was originally an all weekend thing but almost half the people said no because of the cost. The bridesmaid organising was brilliant, she cut it down to one night, a few extras and most people were then able to go. It sucked to be the first one saying no though!

bolgbui41

I'm in a relatively similar position, OP, except I've already told my friend I'm not going. Her hen is in July, is in a foreign country - so I'd have not choice but to go for the full thing - and is coming in at €375 without food, transfers, or general spending money. I reckon I'd be lucky to get away with €500. It's just too much for me to justify spending for what, as someone else said, is essentially a fancy piss-up. Especially when I don't drink!

Instead, myself and another friend who won't be going have organised to go for a nice lunch and a couple of spa treatments with the bride in a fancy hotel in Carlow a few weeks before the hen. It'll cost significantly less, but we'll still get to do something that'll make her feel special. She's been really understanding about it. Could you do something like that?

Triceratops Ballet

Op I had a very similar situation last year, and actually started a thread about it here. I would say if it annoys you that much, don't go. Ultimately the one I was going on got changed due to weather and because a few of us complained about the costs. I went in the end but if I had the option again I wouldn't. The entitled expectations of the bridesmaids/organiser soured the whole thing.
300+ is way too much to ask for esp when there's a wedding to go to too.

endacl

God be with the days when a hen/stag was just a night out with friends.

Idle Passerby

It's fairly presumptuous of the bridesmaids to have booked without confirming cost and numbers wishing to attend, that would annoy me. Could you get a cheaper flight and hotel? Or avoid the ticket event to cut the cost? If not I'd have no bones declining, it's an unreasonable ask. The bride doesn't know the cost now but she'll have a fair idea once she's whisked away to an event abroad.

infor123

Pelvis wrote: »

Err.. I assume they have to take a plane to get to the destination. ]

Err...I assumed it was an activity like a helicopter ride etc wasn’t obvious to me anyway that it was a foreign trip!!!!as was only clarified in message after mine!

Toots

I’d just say you can’t go, and then you could arrange to do something nice with the bride yourself on another date. You could do afternoon tea or a spa day, which would be less than half what the hen would cost, but I’d say the bride would be really appreciative.

splinter65

DellyBelly wrote: »

If the 350-400 include accommodation costs than it's not that expensive really.

I think that 400 plus spending money is much too expensive. I could nearly manage 400 if that was all in but I’d feel it was very extravagant all the same.
But I assume in this case there will be meals and drink as well. A hens night should be tops €200 from front door back to my front door at a push.

Purple Mountain

This thing boils my blood.
You'll already spend a mini fortune on the wedding and now you're expected to pay a substantial fortune on the hen.
Basically since its a foreign hen, your summer holiday is being arranged for you.
I would have no qualms at all in saying no thanks, it's out of my budget and make no grovelling apologies only that you're sorry to miss it.
I've declined hens before for the same reason and they were in Ireland.