Hen party - is it ok to decline because it's costing too much?

jenjoeful

I need advice. I have been invited to a hen party, which involves a plane ride. Overall the costs are coming in at circa €350-400, with certain costs (meals, transfers etc) not yet known. The hen party was chosen on the back of an event at the location and tickets were booked before the costs were discussed, now we are loaded with a rather large (and uncertain) bill.

I've brought it up as a concern with the organiser, but I wasn't shown much empathy. I feel really bad because I do want to go to the hen party cause I want to celebrate with my friend who is getting married but cannot agree to pay this amount, it goes against every fibre of my being. I've capped my own hen at €180 and I have asked for it to come in cheaper if possible. The awkward thing is - I assume the bride won't come to mine now either, but she doesn't know what the plan is and obviously the cost, so I will look bad for not going.

GingerLily

It doesn't sound like you've been pressured to attend, so I think it's up to you if you want to go, but as you said, it goes against every fibre of your being.

If the bride chooses to punish you by not going to your hen then she's just showing herself up, would you really want some there who is that immature and selfish?

jenjoeful

GingerLily wrote: »

It doesn't sound like you've been pressured to attend, so I think it's up to you if you want to go, but as you said, it goes against every fibre of your being.

If the bride chooses to punish you by not going to your hen then she's just showing herself up, would you really want some there who is that immature and selfish?

The bride doesn't know where it is, and how much it's costing. So unless I tell her, she will only know I'm not attending. It's just awkward!

Your right I'm not being pressured, but would genuinely like to go and support, if the conditions were more favourable.

DellyBelly

If the 350-400 include accommodation costs than it's not that expensive really.

GingerLily

jenjoeful wrote: »

The bride doesn't know where it is, and how much it's costing. So unless I tell her, she will only know I'm not attending. It's just awkward!

Your right I'm not being pressured, but would genuinely like to go and support, if the conditions were more favourable.

You can tell her, if she asks, that it's too expensive and you can't afford it.

Is there something else going on?

Are you annoyed at the bridesmaids for planning a hen you can't afford to attend?

infor123

Can you just opt out of the plane ride part and just go to the meal night out and hotel? Would be cheaper. Happens at most hens. I’ve organised a few and had my own and ppl just came to what suited them. I usually try to avoid the activity part unless it’s something fun that I want to do.

jenjoeful

No I don't really know them. It's more that the tickets were booked before any costs were provided, I didn't even say I was free to attend but a ticket was bought for me (which I'm sure can be sold), and now the costs are coming in, they are more than expected (summer hen party in a popular European city). the bride hasn't given any guidelines so this isn't exactly her wish, she just wants everyone to attend and have fun, I know she wouldn't like to pay this much if it were the other way round. I just feel like no thought or consideration was given.

.......

Just say you cant afford it so you wont be able to make it.

Its not a summons. Its quite likely you wont be the only one who cant afford it.

jenjoeful

GingerLily wrote: »

You can tell her, if she asks, that it's too expensive and you can't afford it.

Is there something else going on?

Are you annoyed at the bridesmaids for planning a hen you can't afford to attend?

sorry, I forgot to quote my previous message. I can afford, but that's not enough reason for me to go to something that I would feel completely hard done by on. On this occasion I would....

JustMe,K

Part of your costs are likely to be covering the brides cost also (particularly if she has no idea where the party is or what it is costing). I would just politely decline without getting into why, and offer a sum towards the brides portion.

Pelvis

infor123 wrote: »

Can you just opt out of the plane ride part and just go to the meal night out and hotel? Would be cheaper. Happens at most hens. I’ve organised a few and had my own and ppl just came to what suited them. I usually try to avoid the activity part unless it’s something fun that I want to do.

Err.. I assume they have to take a plane to get to the destination.

DellyBelly wrote: »

If the 350-400 include accommodation costs than it's not that expensive really.

If you can't afford to pay 350-400 then it is too expensive. Personally I think this kind of thing is ridiculous, making people fork out money to go on a glorified piss up.

OP, stop worrying about it, if you can't afford to go or can't justify paying then don't go. If the bride asks why then simply say it's working out too expensive. If she is a reasonable person then she will be fine with it, if she's not fine with it then she's an arsehole, and thus can be ignored.

jenjoeful

jenjoeful wrote: »

sorry, I forgot to quote my previous message. I can afford, but that's not enough reason for me to go to something that I would feel completely hard done by on. On this occasion I would....

Go, in 10 years you'll remember the Hen but not the money spent or saved. It's not really that much for a memory with your friends.

jenjoeful

kcdiom wrote: »

Part of your costs are likely to be covering the brides cost also (particularly if she has no idea where the party is or what it is costing). I would just politely decline without getting into why and offer a sum towards the bride's portion.

Actually no - the bridal party are covering this apparently. So it's down to the accommodation as it's is very very expensive, ticket and plane costs (again triple the usual cost). The meals, taxis, misc stuff has not yet been worked out.

Any hen party i've gone to, we've been given an expected cost, and in that cost is accommodation, meals, activity, lunch, breakfast and sometimes transfers. This is just plane, ticket and accommodation (which won't be good, clean is the goal)

retro:electro

When does it have to be paid by? If you really can’t afford to go then don’t go and don’t feel embarrassed for addressing why, it’s fairly steep. But if you can manage to put a few bob a week aside and budget for it over the coming weeks then do that, you’ll be surprised how quickly you can save a few quid. I’d say this is a case of the bridesmaids losing the run of themselves and the bride being oblivious to how much it’s actually costing everyone. Anything over €200 for a hen is mad money.

Edit: I just read your other posts and they booked your ticket before you even said you’ll be going?? Are you sure about that? That’s madness! I wouldn’t feel one bit bad for cancelling if that’s the case

L'prof

jenjoeful wrote: »

The bride doesn't know where it is, and how much it's costing. So unless I tell her, she will only know I'm not attending. It's just awkward!

Your right I'm not being pressured, but would genuinely like to go and support, if the conditions were more favourable.

Your friend will know that her hen is going to be abroad and that because of this less people will go due to the added expense. She’ll assume that you can’t go because of that, I wouldn’t worry about it

JustMe,K

jenjoeful wrote: »

Actually no - the bridal party are covering this apparently. So it's down to the accommodation as it's is very very expensive, ticket and plane costs (again triple the usual cost). The meals, taxis, misc stuff has not yet been worked out.

Any hen party i've gone to, we've been given an expected cost, and in that cost is accommodation, meals, activity, lunch, breakfast and sometimes transfers. This is just plane, ticket and accommodation (which won't be good, clean is the goal)

Could you go on the trip, and not attend whatever event the ticket is for?

solerina

DellyBelly wrote: »

If the 350-400 include accommodation costs than it's not that expensive really.

I think that’s very very expensive for a hen. Anything over 150 is a bit much to be expecting, and that should include dinner and an overnight at the very least.

ChrissieH

Personally I wouldn't go to it either, it's extremely expensive and I am shocked that anyone would book peoples' places on such an expensive hen without expressly checking with each person first? I've been on 11 hens in the past 3 years and money is always a consideration for everyone when organising / agreeing to attend, and like you, I had my own hen and ensured that it was affordable because I know how hard it can be to come up with the money.

I'm surprised that anyone thinks it's a fair price to pay for a hen party - if the costs are already at around €400 without any food or drink included, then I'm sure you can add around another €200 to that (assuming you're going to be at least 2 nights in this place) and that's absolutely ludicrous, as Pelvis said, for a piss-up... no way is that fair.

You said that the tickets were booked without anyone checking to see if you were even available that weekend, which is crazy and it's just bad planning on the bridesmaids' part, in all fairness... you can't do that to people.

It sounds like your issue is that you don't want to let your friend down, which is nice and understandable but surely you can't be the only girl who can't afford to go, so is there a possibility of organising a night out locally with her before or after her official hen, so that those of you who can't go, can still show her your support?
and as for her not knowing anything about it and the costs incurred - well I'm assuming her bridal party will have to tell her at some point that she needs her passport, so once she knows it's abroad, I assume she's going to know immediately that it's a lot more expensive than your average hen party, so I'm sure she'll understand why you couldn't go. I assume you're getting married in the near future yourself when you spoke about your own hen.. you have a lot of expenses coming up, don't feel obliged to spend money that you could use for something you really need.

GingerLily

It is an expensive hen, and the you don't want to spend that kind of money on the hen, then you shouldn't attend.

If you don't go and make a drama about not attending, then no one will be offended you can't go.

You can always arrange to meet the bride and do a mini celebration with her then?

miamee

If you feel uncomfortable spending that much on a hen weekend (and I would too), then say that it is working out too expensive for you. Even if the bride has no idea how much it will cost now, she'll know after the weekend that it must have cost a lot. You may not be the only one with concerns about the cost but if no one says anything then the bridesmaids will carry on regardless. If a few people say it's too expensive, they may try to adjust the costs where possible to make it more affordable. It doesn't sound too likely with a ticketed event but maybe they can work out different times to fly or different accommodation.

jlm29

You don’t have to tell the bride that you’re not going because of the expense. Just tell her you’re sorry, but you can’t make it. I wouldn’t go getting into explanations

retro:electro

I just can’t get over the cheek of them booking it without clarifying if you can go, and then the arseyness of them when you raise concerns! I would not feel bad about missing it. It’s not like you’re missing the wedding.

JustMe,K

miamee wrote: »

If you feel uncomfortable spending that much on a hen weekend (and I would too), then say that it is working out too expensive for you. Even if the bride has no idea how much it will cost now, she'll know after the weekend that it must have cost a lot. You may not be the only one with concerns about the cost but if no one says anything then the bridesmaids will carry on regardless. If a few people say it's too expensive, they may try to adjust the costs where possible to make it more affordable. It doesn't sound too likely with a ticketed event but maybe they can work out different times to fly or different accommodation.

This is quite true - I was at a he recently (there were around 20 of us), it was originally an all weekend thing but almost half the people said no because of the cost. The bridesmaid organising was brilliant, she cut it down to one night, a few extras and most people were then able to go. It sucked to be the first one saying no though!

bolgbui41

I'm in a relatively similar position, OP, except I've already told my friend I'm not going. Her hen is in July, is in a foreign country - so I'd have not choice but to go for the full thing - and is coming in at €375 without food, transfers, or general spending money. I reckon I'd be lucky to get away with €500. It's just too much for me to justify spending for what, as someone else said, is essentially a fancy piss-up. Especially when I don't drink!

Instead, myself and another friend who won't be going have organised to go for a nice lunch and a couple of spa treatments with the bride in a fancy hotel in Carlow a few weeks before the hen. It'll cost significantly less, but we'll still get to do something that'll make her feel special. She's been really understanding about it. Could you do something like that?

Triceratops Ballet

Op I had a very similar situation last year, and actually started a thread about it here. I would say if it annoys you that much, don't go. Ultimately the one I was going on got changed due to weather and because a few of us complained about the costs. I went in the end but if I had the option again I wouldn't. The entitled expectations of the bridesmaids/organiser soured the whole thing.
300+ is way too much to ask for esp when there's a wedding to go to too.

endacl

God be with the days when a hen/stag was just a night out with friends.

Idle Passerby

It's fairly presumptuous of the bridesmaids to have booked without confirming cost and numbers wishing to attend, that would annoy me. Could you get a cheaper flight and hotel? Or avoid the ticket event to cut the cost? If not I'd have no bones declining, it's an unreasonable ask. The bride doesn't know the cost now but she'll have a fair idea once she's whisked away to an event abroad.

infor123

Pelvis wrote: »

Err.. I assume they have to take a plane to get to the destination. ]

Err...I assumed it was an activity like a helicopter ride etc wasn’t obvious to me anyway that it was a foreign trip!!!!as was only clarified in message after mine!

Toots

I’d just say you can’t go, and then you could arrange to do something nice with the bride yourself on another date. You could do afternoon tea or a spa day, which would be less than half what the hen would cost, but I’d say the bride would be really appreciative.

splinter65

DellyBelly wrote: »

If the 350-400 include accommodation costs than it's not that expensive really.

I think that 400 plus spending money is much too expensive. I could nearly manage 400 if that was all in but I’d feel it was very extravagant all the same.
But I assume in this case there will be meals and drink as well. A hens night should be tops €200 from front door back to my front door at a push.

Purple Mountain

This thing boils my blood.
You'll already spend a mini fortune on the wedding and now you're expected to pay a substantial fortune on the hen.
Basically since its a foreign hen, your summer holiday is being arranged for you.
I would have no qualms at all in saying no thanks, it's out of my budget and make no grovelling apologies only that you're sorry to miss it.
I've declined hens before for the same reason and they were in Ireland.

michellie

We went to portugal for my hen, just 10 of my closest friends. It cost 250 per person for flights hotel and buses(here and portugal) i thought that was reasonable enough.

I didn't want anything too expensive, you would pay that for 2 nights in Ireland somewhere, i made up gift bags for all the girls, we had the best weekend ever.100% would recommend if its affordable. Lying around the pool with your best friends laughing all day long, nothing like it.

dee_mc

Just say 'It's more than I'd budgeted for, so I can't go'.
Then decide what you think is a reasonable budget, and offer to do a mini-hen with the bride (and maybe some of the other hens who'll inevitably cancel because of the cost), as others have suggested above.
I know some people are saying you'll regret it if you don't just fork out and go, but honestly it sounds like you'll resent it if you do go! Best thing all round is to do what suits you and stand by it.
If the bride is a true friend, she won't have any issue with it. If she ends up declining to attend your hen when it happens, or if it effects your friendship going forward, more fool her.

Wildly Boaring

I've skipped rhe stag of 2 of my mates.

Both for same reasons.

It's perfectly normal.

In one instance I think about 4 from Ireland went and we still slag the groom and 4 boys for ridiculousness of it all.

Everyone normal understands that priorities in life are set and generally a piss up has to fall down the priorities.

We all had the money to go to these stags. We choose not to use it for drinking.

Del.Monte

endacl wrote: »

God be with the days when a hen/stag was just a night out with friends.

+100

We had a combined Hen/Stag and a gang of us went out and got pissed together and then went home. This Hen/Stag nonsense has become a steaming pile and should be relegated to history. Perhaps if the OP feels obliged to go they should deduct the cost of the trip from the wedding present?

splinter65

Del.Monte wrote: »

+100

We had a combined Hen/Stag and a gang of us went out and got pissed together and then went home. This Hen/Stag nonsense has become a steaming pile and should be relegated to history. Perhaps if the OP feels obliged to go they should deduct the cost of the trip from the wedding present?

I think it’s close to having had its day or maybe that’s just wishful thinking.
To me anything more then a meal followed by drinks and possibly a nightclub for those who want to go is crass and a kinda vulgar statement.
Hens were belonging to a time when a girl was still living at home or with roommates right up until she got married and after she got married she’d really only be going out for a night with her husband from then on. So it really was her last night out as a single woman.
Same goes for honeymoons. The week in a caravan in Fitzgerald’s caravan park in Tramore was for a bit of privacy for your first night together plus a getting to know you warts and all trial.
Now as far as I can see it’s completely unnecessary further expense piled onto the rest.

appledrop

Just say your not going as costs too much. Who are these people who go away on foreign holidays for hens? None of my friends or family would dream of anything like this. Absolutely ridiculous to expect people to drop everything + fly to another country. That would annoy me more than cost. In real world people have a lot going on. At least at hens in Ireand it's usually only one night or if more you can just go for one + no one minds.

miamee

splinter65 wrote: »

I think it’s close to having had its day or maybe that’s just wishful thinking.
To me anything more then a meal followed by drinks and possibly a nightclub for those who want to go is crass and a kinda vulgar statement.
Hens were belonging to a time when a girl was still living at home or with roommates right up until she got married and after she got married she’d really only be going out for a night with her husband from then on. So it really was her last night out as a single woman.
Same goes for honeymoons. The week in a caravan in Fitzgerald’s caravan park in Tramore was for a bit of privacy for your first night together plus a getting to know you warts and all trial.
Now as far as I can see it’s completely unnecessary further expense piled onto the rest.

Bumped into an old friend of OH's recently who told us he had just got married two days earlier. We asked were they off on honeymoon soon and he said no, they'd had the honeymoon before the wedding because organising a wedding was so stressful and they were looking forward to the holiday more :pac:

jenjoeful

Thank you for everyones' responses.
So I've opted to not attend the hen, but haven't quite worked out how to tell the bride without spilling the beans on the cost. I know she will understand, but the only sad part, she won't understand probably until her hen party, by then she will have already declined my budget friendly and in the same country hen. But hey, that's life!

Ya the tickets were booked without me saying I was available to attend the date, or wanting to go. But I never came out and asked for the costs upfront either (nobody did, there was an assumption by the organisers that it would be cheap, but they never checked costs until 3 months later). I should have known that it as going to stack up. The ticket for the event can definitely be sold very easily. I'm not being pushed into it, there is no pressure. I'm just putting pressure on myself to do the right thing for my friend.

Agreed hen parties should appeal to the audience, something to eat, a dance, and maybe activity is enough nowadays. At the end of the day, a hen party is a bunch of various groups summoned together, it's not always the best mix of ppl, and everyone has their own priorities, so making it as 'easy' on everyone should be taken into consideration from a cost, time and fun perspective.

For anyone planning a hen going forward and happen to read this thread, - think before you go all out on a hen party, remember we all have the same goal, we want to support and have fun with the bride, it's not about a big fancy holiday to show off on social media, to make other ppl that haven't been able to go abroad for hen parties feel sh!t about themselves..... It's about getting excited about the wedding, having fun, showing the bride we care and making maybe even new friends!!

loyatemu

the bride should be roughly aware of how much the hen is costing, or should have discussed it with the organiser in advance. These are adults we're talking about, not children being taken on a surprise trip to Disneyland. As others have said, at that price you're probably not the only person pulling out. She's going to want to know why several of her friends aren't attending.

Bandana boy

I don't get all the people who are so upset with people having extravagant Stag/Hen do's and honeymoons .
if you can't/won't spend that money don't , but why begrudge other people spending their money the way they want to .

jenjoeful

Bandana boy wrote: »

I don't get all the people who are so upset with people having extravagant Stag/Hen do's and honeymoons .
if you can't/won't spend that money don't , but why begrudge other people spending their money the way they want to .

People are more than welcome to have extravagant hen parties, weddings, and honeymoons. Go for it!
However when you inflict an expensive hen party on people that genuinely want to celebrate with a bride to be, but can't afford it, that extravagant hen party results in possible animosity between the bride and her friend, the friend not able to go feeling guilty (and let's face it a little bit sh!t for the reasons she can't attend and have to admit it maybe) and also feeling left out. So go for the extravagance, but just be a little more empathetic to the list of friends the bride has explicitly says she wants there. If the bridesmaids want to go on an extravagant holiday, take the bride, she will love it, but for everyone else, do something that everyone can at least try and be involved in.

Flippyfloppy

jenjoeful wrote: »

it's not about a big fancy holiday to show off on social media,

I was just about to post the exact same theory on why people do these big fancy hens! Purely so they can show off on social media!

loyatemu

Bandana boy wrote: »

I don't get all the people who are so upset with people having extravagant Stag/Hen do's and honeymoons .
if you can't/won't spend that money don't , but why begrudge other people spending their money the way they want to .

people can do what they like with their own money but if you're invited to a stag/hen there's an expectation that you will go and people feel guilty if they can't.

Whoever is organising should try to ensure they don't exclude people because of cost, and IMO the bride/groom should be involved to make sure the organiser isn't getting carried away (of course it's often the bride or groom who's getting carried away too).

splinter65

Bandana boy wrote: »

I don't get all the people who are so upset with people having extravagant Stag/Hen do's and honeymoons .
if you can't/won't spend that money don't , but why begrudge other people spending their money the way they want to .

I’d like to celebrate the brides upcoming nuptials. But I wouldn’t be able to go at the prices being quoted. So that’s fine if you can afford to splash out but what about the brides family and friends who can’t afford it?

Alf Veedersane

Bandana boy wrote: »

I don't get all the people who are so upset with people having extravagant Stag/Hen do's and honeymoons .
if you can't/won't spend that money don't , but why begrudge other people spending their money the way they want to .

I don't get upset with people having an expensive stag/hen do. But the reality is that they can be unnecessarily expensive for what they are and that potentially excludes friends of the bride who would like to go but can't afford to. That kinda goes against the basic concept of a hen/stag do.

Especially where the organiser has chosen the location and activities based on what they can afford without any input from anyone else.

Triceratops Ballet

Alf Veedersane wrote: »

I don't get upset with people having an expensive stag/hen do. But the reality is that they can be unnecessarily expensive for what they are and that potentially excludes friends of the bride who would like to go but can't afford to. That kinda goes against the basic concept of a hen/stag do.

Especially where the organiser has chosen the location and activities based on what they can afford without any input from anyone else.

I often think that if some brides knew how their bridesmaids treated their friends /guests in the run up to a hen that would be some lifelong friendships ended in one fell swoop

witchgirl26

Bandana boy wrote: »

I don't get all the people who are so upset with people having extravagant Stag/Hen do's and honeymoons .
if you can't/won't spend that money don't , but why begrudge other people spending their money the way they want to .

That's fine but often times the bride isn't aware of the cost as she's not necessarily involved in the planning/paying of the hen. I know a lot of people who would have been shocked at how much friends were being charged for the hen to cover it all.

I think you have to take into account the people being invited and their budgets. That's why when I'm having mine, I'd like to be a bit involved in the planning as I'd know some peoples situations more than the bridesmaids and can steer it to something I'd like but that the majority of people I'd want there could also afford.

And I also think that for hens or weddings themselves, if you are doing something that you really want but that is going to cost guests a lot of money, you can't get annoyed if people can't go because of that.

OP - I'd say it to your friend who's the bride that the overall cost was just too much what with your own wedding coming up and had gone over the budget you'd set for yourself. Say you'd love to see her at yours and maybe arrange to meet her for dinner on your own as a nice gesture.

.......

Bandana boy wrote: »

I don't get all the people who are so upset with people having extravagant Stag/Hen do's and honeymoons .
if you can't/won't spend that money don't , but why begrudge other people spending their money the way they want to .

Because it makes it exclusive when it should be inclusive.

cailinoBAC

I think brides should be quite clear with their bridal party about what they want, especially about budget, number of nights (if any) and whether they want to go abroad or not. If they haven't done that, then they are partly to blame, even if they don't know the plans or how much it's going to cost. If they say they want to go away to a European city for a weekend they should give an approx budget and if it's not going to work out at that then choose somewhere else. If that budget is higher than some people can afford then they need to be ok with some people declining.

retro:electro

cailinoBAC wrote: »

I think brides should be quite clear with their bridal party about what they want, especially about budget, number of nights (if any) and whether they want to go abroad or not.

To be fair most brides usually are. Any hen I’ve been involved in there’s always been a few instructions, one night only, not too far, not too dear. It’s rare the bride who will give away total control, usually there are some ground rules. I think anything more than one night is a burden to most people, both financially and time wise. Weddings themselves are costly enough affairs and can take some budgeting for never mind anything extra. A good night out in town on the tear is vastly under appreciated imo!