Cheating

khaldrogo · 22-02-2019 7:19pm

Parawata wrote:

Not sure what you're trying to achieve here but if you can't see how insulting this is you have a very poor view of men in general

I don't get the indignation?
The vast majority of guys I know have cheated at some point on a partner.

I have not and would not.

eviltwin · 22-02-2019 7:27pm

Years ago I was propositioned by a married male friend of my husband - while his wife was in the room, classy guy.

I turned him down and he never did it again but about ten years later his marriage ended, his wife had left him for some bloke she was having an affair with.

I told my husband about the earlier incident - they weren't really friends at this stage. I found then the reason they were no longer in touch was because this guy had been cheating since long before the incident with me and had been asking his mates to provide an alibi. My husband was so disgusted he stopped hanging out with him.

I gather his wife knew about him and had emotionally checked out years before. I don't condone what she did but I don't judge her either. Funnily enough this guy feels really hard done by. He's now living in my area and has a girlfriend who is younger than his kids, some men probably envy that but my husband and male friends think he's a sad bastard. His wife was an absolutely lovely girl who adored him, I don't know why you would get married if you want to have ongoing casual sex.

leggo · 22-02-2019 7:52pm

There are certain instances where I’d...not say cheating is acceptable...but I wouldn’t judge someone for it. If someone is in an abusive relationship and their self-esteem is rock bottom and they act out, for example, or in one of those awful cases of enforced celibacy that seems to come up so often in PI.

Calhoun · 22-02-2019 8:09pm

No I haven't cheated and nor would I. I have personally seen first hand what it can do to families and it's not nice.

If things are so bad that you have to cheat the big question you have to ask is should you even be in a relationship with said person.

Strumms · 22-02-2019 8:32pm

OP... MEN don’t cheat....PEOPLE cheat....those that do...well I don’t know I’ve never been there but knowing one or two people that have I noticed a couple of personality trends that when mixed may lead to this behavior ... self centered, low self esteem, an insatiable desire to be ‘liked’, fit in, told they are great and to be popular. One guy who I worked with in particular was notorious for it and ticked all the above boxes. When he wasn’t crawling up the arse of the managers he was over sniffing around at any good looking new girls or older flirtatious ones without much shame.

What was worse was his girlfriend worked with us all be it a different department, she was a nice girl, popular, got on with everyone and adored this dude they were nailed on to get married. Eventually he was caught and the whole thing collapsed, it must have been very painful for her as much of this ‘drama’ had the offending cast on site in the guise of colleagues and ‘friends’. He had been a popular guy also but subsequently was just known as a scumbag and untrustworthy in every capacity which was behavior too that was evident subsequently in his work life. He subsequently left without so much as a goodbye or good luck from anyone.

Defunkd · 22-02-2019 11:53pm

Haven't cheated on a gf but now regret not taking opportunities that were available to me.

I have turned down many advances from married women (me being younger than them). Whatever about going off with someone who has a boyfriend - which i have done - i wouldn't get involved with a married woman. I say that while i'm sat at home on a fri night; were i to meet a temptress tomorrow night, the surge of testosterone would have astronger influence.

My last girlfriend had a(n extremely hot) friend who loved attention. When she hadn't met her bf for a few days, she'd start flirting with me when my gf wasn't home yet. If she was any bit serious, i would have ****ed her in front of my gf...no doubt.
So yes, i am open to cheating under certain circumstances.

Chestvalve · 22-02-2019 11:55pm

The golden rule for the boyeens here is don’t tell no one.

Bigmac1euro · 23-02-2019 12:07am

Monife wrote: »

It's something I read on a psychology post about infidelity. I don't have kids and have obviously never lost one so I can't compare. But it is the worst emotional pain I have ever felt, to feel the one person you trusted the most could betray you like that. I'm out of the other side mentally now which is good.

I'm on a few FB groups that discuss the issue and a large number have also been diagnosed with PTSD as a result of being cheated on.

It’s obvious you’re in a very dark place right now emotionally because of being cheated on and it’s awful.
But have you ever lost a loved one ? Mother or father ?

HalloweenJack · 23-02-2019 12:21am

Not interested in it.

I did it when I was a teenager and thought I was hot **** but that phase of my life is well over. I wouldn't do it again. If I was that tempted, I reckon it means somethijg is up with my relationship and I need to work on it.

As others have said, you make q commitment and you keep it. If you can't keep it, end your relationship first before hurting someone you (should) care about.

KERSPLAT! · 23-02-2019 12:24am

Pretty sure I heard on Newstalk today that approx. 20% of women cheat and 25% of men. I don't know what that was based on, what they deem to be cheating, or anything else so take it with a pinch of salt.

Anyway, I cheated around 10-12 years ago on my then girlfriend. I honestly couldn't tell you the exact reason. Stupidity, immaturity, selfishness, all of the above. I wasn't happy and instead of ending it I did much worse. It's something I would never do again, I don't think I could live with the guilt or the hurt I could cause if a partner found out. I've had someone cheat on me, it's heartbreaking. If I ever got to the stage again where I was tempted I would hope I'd either work on the relationship or do us both a favor and end it.

23-02-2019 6:12am

zapitastas wrote: »

Any stag I have ever been on has been full of lads cheating so is fairly rampant

in all fairness hen parties are as bad if not worse

LegacyUser · 23-02-2019 7:19am

Some really insightful posts here

I've not cheated. I'd promise never ever to cheat. I hope I'd always stick to that.

I have seen many people cheat. Men & women. Usually drink & away events involved (work, party, stag, etc). There's a weakness in some people when drink or other circumstances aline. I have seen more people who truly would love their partner cheat out of weakness/lust in a mad moment than planned, continued regular adulterous relationship.

I have also seen More single women knowingly go with married (albeit up for it) men rather than vice versa. I don't get that & don't know why theyd accept that ... This I'd purely based on experience.
In one case I was so sad to see a woman who I admire so much get involved with a married man who basically kept her strung a long& not exploring all the opportunities she could have had with others. Her decision too of course but madness. He stayed married, cut off this affair & left her reeling. I never met the di(khead.

Addle · 23-02-2019 8:34am

It's a very subjective thing.

I've been cheated on and it's up there with having the worst effect on me. It was worse than serious illness. Definitely took longer to recover from.

I can't imagine ever wanting to cheat on my OH, nevermind actually cheating.

I've seen behaviours where I've thought, I wouldn't blame him for cheating on her.
I've seen people in the company of their spouses after/when cheating, and they seem to not have a care in the world, and I wonder how they've resolved that kind of behaviour in their mind. That they're not eaten up by guilt amazes me.

But I also have a lot of respect for couples who work hard to repair their relationship after a transgression.
Repeated offences are unforgivable though IMO.

Pawwed Rig · 23-02-2019 8:54am

zapitastas wrote: »

Any stag I have ever been on has been full of lads cheating so is fairly rampant

I have never seen it on a stag. I would say it depends on your peer group.

jameshealy19 · 23-02-2019 9:04am

The Truth

jameshealy19 · 23-02-2019 9:06am

Truth of the matter is that 80% of guys won't be able to cheat, they don't have the options. Is Tiger Woods worse than most men? Most fellas don't have women throwing themselves at them. Hence cheating will never be an option.

Pawwed Rig · 23-02-2019 9:36am

jameshealy19 wrote: »

Truth of the matter is that 80% of guys won't be able to cheat, they don't have the options.

That is horse sh*t to be fair. I am no oil painting or great wit but still managed a fair share in my lifetime. Once I hit my thirties I found my 'value' in the dating market to be much higher aswell (for a number of reasons).

Even ignoring that - 100% of people could pop to Hamburg for a weekend and hand over cash to a pro.

leggo · 23-02-2019 10:11am

See a lot of it depends on the variables as well. Is the relationship going down the toilet at the time or does everything seem to be going really well? Do they feel bad and either admit it/break up or do they lie and carry on like nothing happened? Do they beg forgiveness and try work on it or leave you for the other person? Do they blame you and act the victim? And so on. There is no way to measure how badly it affects you because all of these things and more play into that.

I’ve been through deaths of close family members and being cheated on hit me worse. Grieving a death is absolutely awful but I can get my head around it. It’s **** but death happens to all of us eventually and isn’t a personal slight, it just so happened that that was their time. With being cheated on I found that not only did I have the grief of losing someone I loved, then there was the betrayal of trust, the fear of being unable to trust and be happy with someone else again, my confidence plummeted as low as it’s ever been, I never got proper answers to process and understand it (had to find them myself) and it was just all so unnecessary too. Also you have in your head how you’d react if it happened to you then when it does, for me anyway, it was nothing like that at all.

Again that’s not to say that EVERY person would react that way or indeed that every death is easier to get over, but I wouldn’t judge someone who compared it to that at all because that was my experience. Fortunately when it happened I was old enough to go into recovery mode and do the things I needed to pull myself out of it eventually. Now it’s just a ****ty life experience that taught me a lot and has made me stronger for the future.

Defunkd · 23-02-2019 10:24am

jameshealy19 wrote: »

Truth of the matter is that 80% of guys won't be able to cheat, they don't have the options. Is Tiger Woods worse than most men? Most fellas don't have women throwing themselves at them. Hence cheating will never be an option.

It's easier to remain faithful when there's no temptation or good-looking women who 'don't mind' if you're married or have a girlfriend.

Prominent_Dawg · 23-02-2019 11:36pm

I know one of my friends is currently cheating on her long term boyfriend and I've distance myself from her, because if she's like that in her relationship, how could I trust her in a friendship, her parents marriage ended because of cheating.. I don't think she knows what trust is, which is kinda sad!

Monife · 24-02-2019 12:39am

Prominent_Dawg wrote: »

I know one of my friends is currently cheating on her long term boyfriend and I've distance myself from her, because if she's like that in her relationship, how could I trust her in a friendship, her parents marriage ended because of cheating.. I don't think she knows what trust is, which is kinda sad!

It's all down to personal morals and values. My parents' marriage ended because of cheating too, and even before I was cheated on myself, I would NEVER ever cheat on anyone.

Segotias · 25-02-2019 4:04pm

Defunkd wrote: »

It's easier to remain faithful when there's no temptation or good-looking women who 'don't mind' if you're married or have a girlfriend.

As I've mentioned before I get hit on regularly by taken men. I don't try tempt them and I'm certainly no model that men are falling over themselves to get to.

I think you're inclined to cheat you'll cheat, I still can't fathom a reason why a person would.

As a person who has been hit on out of the blue by a married man who I know I can safely say from my perspective it doesn't nothing but lower my own self esteem. Thinking that you are only good enough to be someones bit of fun or bit on the side instead of in an actual relationship with is definitely not an incentive to be with the married/taken person

GLaDOS · 25-02-2019 5:33pm

Never have myself, and not something I've seen from in my close group of friends (not to say it isn't happening, but it isn't blatant anyway). That said we were never the type to be pulling women on a regular basis anyway (bunch of dorks, basically :pac:).

I've seen consistent and deliberate cheating in my extended peer group over the years for sure, though I've kinda drifted away from the type of guys who would have that attitude. As I get older I spend less and less time socialising with "acquaintances" and save my time for good friends.

So I suppose your perception of how rampant cheating is can be influenced by your social group.

Wibbs · 25-02-2019 7:30pm

Segotias wrote: »

Thinking that you are only good enough to be someones bit of fun or bit on the side instead of in an actual relationship with is definitely not an incentive to be with the married/taken person

In my experience that's actually the draw for some S. The "no strings" part. Waaaay back when I knew a woman who was having an affair with a married man and he suddenly got serious and told her he was leaving his wife for her and she dropped him in short order.

Segotias · 25-02-2019 7:54pm

Wibbs wrote: »

In my experience that's actually the draw for some S. The "no strings" part. Waaaay back when I knew a woman who was having an affair with a married man and he suddenly got serious and told her he was leaving his wife for her and she dropped him in short order.

I'm sure there are people who want "no strings" but surely a FWB situation would be better with no broken promises or home wrecking

As I said just being hit on by married men makes me feel worse about myself so definitely wouldn't be looking for any of them

Addle · 25-02-2019 8:21pm

It's definitely a thing.
I know 2 women who only seem to be attracted to men who are attached.
And preferably men who are attached to someone they know.
I thought they'd grow out of it, but no.

Wibbs · 25-02-2019 8:37pm

Segotias wrote: »

I'm sure there are people who want "no strings" but surely a FWB situation would be better with no broken promises or home wrecking

Oh I hear you S, but I think the selfishness thing is in play. They think that someone married is less likely to get an attack of feelings so they're "safer" kind of thing? Though I never went near married women, in my phase of being the "other guy" that was a major component.

Monife · 25-02-2019 8:37pm

Segotias wrote: »

I'm sure there are people who want "no strings" but surely a FWB situation would be better with no broken promises or home wrecking

As I said just being hit on by married men makes me feel worse about myself so definitely wouldn't be looking for any of them

That's because you obviously have strong morals. I know a couple of women who were with married men and would brag (not to me because I would have called them out!) that they were able to give them what the wife couldn't. Deep down they hoped the men would leave their wives but they never did.

Monife · 25-02-2019 8:39pm

Addle wrote: »

It's definitely a thing.
I know 2 women who only seem to be attracted to men who are attached.
And preferably men who are attached to someone they know.
I thought they'd grow out of it, but no.

That is disgusting. I'd love to know the psychology behind it and why that's their preference.

cannotlogin · 25-02-2019 10:33pm

I have a former friend who chased men who were married or had a partner. Never fully understood it but it had something to do with the fact she felt she was in some way better than the wife/partner, the prettier they were the prouder she was that she could get the man.

Never seemed to be about anything other than doing it because she could. Never appeared to want them long term.

Her parents had a very bad marraige, she has severe self esteem issues. I used to remain friends as I felt sorry for her in some ways and she was a really decent person in other areas of life. Friendship ended following a row after she blantently hit on a pregnant friend's husband one night.

Keyzer · 26-02-2019 5:21pm

Monife wrote: »

They say the only emotional pain worse than cheating, is the death of a child.

This is an absolutely ridiculous statement to make with no supporting evidence - emotional pain cannot be measured and there's a lot worse in life than someone cheating on you.

What if you were hit by a car and ended up paralyzed from the neck down - I'd argue that's worse than being cheated on but better than your child dying.

Monife · 26-02-2019 6:43pm

Keyzer wrote: »

This is an absolutely ridiculous statement to make with no supporting evidence - emotional pain cannot be measured and there's a lot worse in life than someone cheating on you.

What if you were hit by a car and ended up paralyzed from the neck down - I'd argue that's worse than being cheated on but better than your child dying.

Well it's all very subjective and everyone's circumstances are different. For some, it would be the worst thing to ever happen to them, others it wouldn't.

But calling it a ridiculous statement is rather minimising for the people who been through this. You will see from a few of the previous posts that some people have been left absolutely devastated, some felt utterly broken.

One eyed Jack · 26-02-2019 7:22pm

Monife wrote: »

Well it's all very subjective and everyone's circumstances are different. For some, it would be the worst thing to ever happen to them, others it wouldn't.

But calling it a ridiculous statement is rather minimising for the people who been through this. You will see from a few of the previous posts that some people have been left absolutely devastated, some felt utterly broken.

While I agree with you that people’s circumstances and how they cope with adverse circumstances are entirely subjective, you’re also correct in pointing out that it is minimising the pain of being cheated on to say it’s ridiculous to compare the pain of being cheated on to the pain of losing a child. It’s minimising it where you’re trying to dramatise the pain by bringing up the comparison in the first place.

Do you yourself think your pain is equitable to the pain someone experiences when they’ve lost a child? How do you imagine that conversation going if someone you knew lost a child and you came out with “I know how you feel, I was cheated on”. You’d get some looks I’d say :pac:

What you’re doing is the equivalent of what the metoo movement were doing in equating their ‘trauma’ of being wolf whistled at, with someone who was raped. You’re dramatising your own grievance and equating that with what is generally an abhorrent concept for most people. If you were to say something like that to me, I’d be biting my lip, but in the sort of online communities you mentioned earlier in the thread, it’s not the least bit surprising that someone would eventually come out with something so stupid, and everyone else is too polite to rock the boat by telling that person to cop themselves on.

H3llR4iser · 26-02-2019 7:30pm

Never cheater and it's not really something one can have a view on "would I ever"; It's not like I'd be actively "seeking" it, not even as some sort of stupid "comeuppance" as it seems to happen for some people.

Then again life is basically a ****storm waiting for ways to unfold, so one can never be categorical about anything.

Monife wrote: »

I'm sorry if you feel insulted, that certainly was not my intention. You are right, I do have a poor view of men, every significant male figure in my life, including more recently my ex husband, has cheated.

Nearly every woman I know has been cheated on and it just feels like, to me, that it is extremely common.

I guess what I am trying to achieve here is some confidence that a good percentage of men don't cheat, rather than my perception that over 90% of men cheat.

That's a bold statement which doesn't account for the fact that your information about "other women" is second hand; One specific ex girlfriend I had accused me of cheating ALL THE TIME...now I'm rubbish enough with dating that I find it incredibly difficult finding ONE woman, let alone gallivanting around to juggle multiple dates/relationships. Had to stay late at the office? Cheating; Stuck in traffic? Cheating; Randomly mentioned a female coworker while talking about the day? That meant I was probably screwing her in the copy room.
The worst part of it was that she got her friends in with her charade - they all believed her unconditionally...probably to this day they're still convinced their poor lovely dear girl was constantly cheated on.

From my point of view, none of my male friends ever admitted or said anything about cheating, while a few of them were cheated on by former partners.

At the same time, a couple of female friends DID cheat on some former partners by their own admission; I also happened to run into a "business meeting" between a married female and a single male colleague where the discussion revolved around "tongue interlocking dynamics" and "hand under the skirt strategy". Unless I've been thoroughly missing out, I'm sure business meetings are usually way more boring than that.

That is to say that, if I reasoned from my own narrow field of vision, men never cheat and women often do...which I know to be rubbish; I'm sure more than one of the guys I know HAS cheated at some point and plenty of the women have been cheated on.

What I don't get is the stigma - I'm sure there are "serial cheaters" around, yet I'd say that in most cases it's simply an extraordinary even; Spur of the moment if you will. I would never think any lesser of the couple of women who I know cheated on former partners - they're not robots with perfect control and as I said before, sh1t happens in life. I don't care about them doing "the same" to me as a friend (if that's even possible...), I appreciate them for what they are, flaws and mistakes very much included.

Monife · 26-02-2019 7:59pm

One eyed Jack wrote: »

While I agree with you that people’s circumstances and how they cope with adverse circumstances are entirely subjective, you’re also correct in pointing out that it is minimising the pain of being cheated on to say it’s ridiculous to compare the pain of being cheated on to the pain of losing a child. It’s minimising it where you’re trying to dramatise the pain by bringing up the comparison in the first place.

Do you yourself think your pain is equitable to the pain someone experiences when they’ve lost a child? How do you imagine that conversation going if someone you knew lost a child and you came out with “I know how you feel, I was cheated on”. You’d get some looks I’d say :pac:

I am not dramatizing it nor am I comparing it to the loss of a child, I stated that I had read that the only thing worse (in terms of emotional pain) than being betrayed by your spouse, the love of your life, is the loss of a child. Those who have been betrayed go through a grieving process also.

Of course I do not think my pain is the same as someone who has lost a child, nowhere close. But that doesn't negate the fact that it is a massive emotional pain and trauma. Something that can take years to get over (https://drlorischade.wordpress.com/2017/04/21/how-finding-out-about-a-spouses-affair-is-like-a-death/)

Another article (on psychology today) that explains the emotional pain of infidelity - https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mysteries-love/201601/why-is-infidelity-so-painful

Death or loss of a person is completely different to being betrayed by the person you trusted the most. The person who has died has (supposedly) done you no wrong, all you have is love for them. Whereas with infidelity, you are wrestling with feelings of love, disgust, hatred among many other emotions. You completely question your own sense of self-worth.

I could talk about this subject all day but I won't. Until you experience a similar pain, I think it is unfair of you to disregard it.

Monife · 26-02-2019 8:03pm

H3llR4iser wrote: »

What I don't get is the stigma - I'm sure there are "serial cheaters" around, yet I'd say that in most cases it's simply an extraordinary even; Spur of the moment if you will. I would never think any lesser of the couple of women who I know cheated on former partners - they're not robots with perfect control and as I said before, sh1t happens in life. I don't care about them doing "the same" to me as a friend (if that's even possible...), I appreciate them for what they are, flaws and mistakes very much included.

Well that's where you and I would have to disagree. But my moral code is a little bit more black and white. That's not me getting on my high horse or anything, I just have a more black and white view of a lot of things, and I acknowledge this.

And the comment about mistakes... affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate and premediated choices that are fully actioned. A severely drunken one night stand MIGHT be classed as a mistake, a second time or multiple affair encounters are not mistakes. Normally when you make a mistake, you don't repeat it again.

One eyed Jack · 26-02-2019 8:11pm

Monife wrote: »

I am not dramatizing it nor am I comparing it to the loss of a child, I stated that I had read that the only thing worse (in terms of emotional pain) than being betrayed by your spouse, the love of your life, is the loss of a child. Those who have been betrayed go through a grieving process also.

Of course I do not think my pain is the same as someone who has lost a child, nowhere close. But that doesn't negate the fact that it is a massive emotional pain and trauma. Something that can take years to get over (https://drlorischade.wordpress.com/2017/04/21/how-finding-out-about-a-spouses-affair-is-like-a-death/)

Another article (on psychology today) that explains the emotional pain of infidelity - https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mysteries-love/201601/why-is-infidelity-so-painful

Death or loss of a person is completely different to being betrayed by the person you trusted the most. The person who has died has (supposedly) done you no wrong, all you have is love for them. Whereas with infidelity, you are wrestling with feelings of love, disgust, hatred among many other emotions. You completely question your own sense of self-worth.

I could talk about this subject all day but I won't. Until you experience a similar pain, I think it is unfair of you to disregard it.

I’m just relieved to see you clear that up (it’s why I asked).

As for the rest of your post, whether you think it’s unfair or not I’ll safely disregard it. While I too could talk about the subject all day, I have no intention of doing so.

Calhoun · 26-02-2019 8:26pm

I believe there are certain traits that people who cheat can have and sometimes that what makes them so attractive to people.

I know a girl who by my count 3-4 guys she was with were very much a jack the lad out-going but cheated on her. One of the most depressing things i heard her say was that she just put up with it because everybody cheats.

Personally i feel that going into any relationship both people have to be comfortable in themselves and know there limits/set clear boundaries. Cheating could still happen but you could reduce down the risk of it.

Teddy Daniels · 26-02-2019 8:31pm

Monife wrote: »

I am not dramatizing it nor am I comparing it to the loss of a child, I stated that I had read that the only thing worse (in terms of emotional pain) than being betrayed by your spouse, the love of your life, is the loss of a child. Those who have been betrayed go through a grieving process also.

Of course I do not think my pain is the same as someone who has lost a child, nowhere close. But that doesn't negate the fact that it is a massive emotional pain and trauma. Something that can take years to get over (https://drlorischade.wordpress.com/2017/04/21/how-finding-out-about-a-spouses-affair-is-like-a-death/)

Another article (on psychology today) that explains the emotional pain of infidelity - https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mysteries-love/201601/why-is-infidelity-so-painful

Death or loss of a person is completely different to being betrayed by the person you trusted the most. The person who has died has (supposedly) done you no wrong, all you have is love for them. Whereas with infidelity, you are wrestling with feelings of love, disgust, hatred among many other emotions. You completely question your own sense of self-worth.

I could talk about this subject all day but I won't. Until you experience a similar pain, I think it is unfair of you to disregard it.

What about the loss of a best friend or a spouse or a parent!
Are you saying I’d feel less loss if my wife died than if she cheated on me !

Monife · 26-02-2019 8:49pm

Teddy Daniels wrote: »

What about the loss of a best friend or a spouse or a parent!
Are you saying I’d feel less loss if my wife died than if she cheated on me !

Not that you would feel less loss if she died than cheated on you, but you wouldn't have the complete emotional headf*ck of processing a betrayal. When you experience infidelity, you lose your spouse anyway if you choose to leave, but you also lose yourself. You question your entire marriage and existence. Some betrayed spouses have said they think they would cope better emotionally if their spouse died than coping with the betrayal.

Look, I'm not going to try and explain it anymore. No one really understands what it feels like unless they go through it. And even if you do unfortunately go through it, everyone's experience is different due to a number of factors (how your marriage was before, how long you were together, how you found out, how your spouse acted after, what type of affair/cheating it was, what other lies or betrayals were there, how emotionally strong you were to begin with etc.)

One eyed Jack · 26-02-2019 9:33pm

Monife wrote: »

Not that you would feel less loss if she died than cheated on you, but you wouldn't have the complete emotional headf*ck of processing a betrayal. When you experience infidelity, you lose your spouse anyway if you choose to leave, but you also lose yourself. You question your entire marriage and existence. Some betrayed spouses have said they think they would cope better emotionally if their spouse died than coping with the betrayal.

Look, I'm not going to try and explain it anymore. No one really understands what it feels like unless they go through it. And even if you do unfortunately go through it, everyone's experience is different due to a number of factors (how your marriage was before, how long you were together, how you found out, how your spouse acted after, what type of affair/cheating it was, what other lies or betrayals were there, how emotionally strong you were to begin with etc.)

Y’know I completely get what you’re saying, but the problem with what you’re saying above is that it’s completely contradictory - “no-one really understands it unless they go through it”, I get that, “everyone’s experience is different”, I get that too. What you appear to be missing in your own opinion is that by virtue of the fact that you admit everyone’s experiences are different, then using that same rationale- nobody could possibly understand anyone else’s experiences, precisely because they’re all different! This is exactly why I said earlier that I had no intention of talking about my experiences - because realistically speaking, they would be of no value to you whatsoever.

You started the thread looking for this -

Monife wrote: »

I would love to get an idea of how many men cheat in relationships/marriages, men's perception of cheating on their significant other and what they would consider cheating.

I just don’t see how, even if anyone were capable of giving you what you’re looking for, that it would be of any help to you? I don’t see how someone else’s experiences are in any way relevant to your experiences, they’d be two or more completely different circumstances. I have no idea what it’s like for example to have experience of every significant male figure in my life cheating, that’s bound to colour your opinions of men, but on some level, you must surely be aware that your experience is highly unusual, and that no, most men do not cheat on their girlfriends or their wives.

What difference even would knowing how many men cheat in relationships/marriages make to you? The only time it would ever directly affect you is if the person you were dating or married to, cheats on you. Anyone else’s experiences are theirs, and if someone is left devastated to the degree that they would compare their grief to the pain of losing a child, then you can be rest assured there’s a lot more going on there than is generally considered a normal and understandable reaction to being cheated on - that person either has no experience, no self-awareness, or less kindly but more likely - a very poor grasp on reality.

Addle · 26-02-2019 9:35pm

Teddy Daniels wrote: »

What about the loss of a best friend or a spouse or a parent!
Are you saying I’d feel less loss if my wife died than if she cheated on me !

I felt like I'd lost a best friend and life partner when I'd been cheated on.

Monife · 26-02-2019 10:14pm

Addle wrote: »

I felt like I'd lost a best friend and life partner when I'd been cheated on.

In addition to losing your entire future/future plans as you knew them.

CramCycle · 26-02-2019 10:22pm

Never understood the attraction of married men with kids, even if you were inclined that way, how would you have the energy unless you were a sh1t father.

I remember in work a discussion around the coffee table and people were pointing out all the cheaters at home or even in the workplace. I remember someone saying I wouldn't do it, which I thought an odd statement to make but the truth is, if it ever crossed my mind, I'd get a hotel, get into bed and go to sleep for a few hours rather than do anything else, i have a wife, a job and two kids. Sleeping is the most seductive thing I can think of when not involved with any of those or my mates.

Keyzer · 27-02-2019 10:36am

Monife wrote: »

Well it's all very subjective and everyone's circumstances are different. For some, it would be the worst thing to ever happen to them, others it wouldn't.

But calling it a ridiculous statement is rather minimising for the people who been through this. You will see from a few of the previous posts that some people have been left absolutely devastated, some felt utterly broken.

I stand by what I said, it was a ridiculous thing to say and based on nothing other than feelings which cannot be measured.

Ranking being on the receiving end of infidelity just behind the loss of a child is rather minimising and quite frankly disrespectful to the to the people who have lost a child.

Back on point, I don't really understand what you hoped to achieve by starting this thread - is it a platform for you to vent your spleen? To gain an understanding of why men cheat?

I'm sick and tired of men in general being made the scapegoat for all the ****ty things that happen in life - women cheat too, women abuse their partners too, women commit crime too.

One eyed Jack · 27-02-2019 10:56am

Keyzer wrote: »

Back on point, I don't really understand what you hoped to achieve by starting this thread - is it a platform for you to vent your spleen? To gain an understanding of why men cheat?

To be fair to her, I think that’s why the OP started the thread, and it’s not unreasonable that this would be the most natural forum to ask the questions and try and gain an understanding of what motivates some men to cheat. The thread went a bit tits up when the OP brought up a rather unfortunate comparison that was someone else’s idea is all, but they’ve cleared it up since that they don’t imagine themselves the two scenarios are equatable in terms of the pain experienced in either circumstances.

Monife · 27-02-2019 1:18pm

Keyzer wrote: »

Back on point, I don't really understand what you hoped to achieve by starting this thread - is it a platform for you to vent your spleen? To gain an understanding of why men cheat?

I'm sick and tired of men in general being made the scapegoat for all the ****ty things that happen in life - women cheat too, women abuse their partners too, women commit crime too.

As One Eyed Jack correctly said, the above is the reason why I started this thread. Seeing as all significant male figures in my life have cheated on their wives, including more recently my own ex-husband, I wanted to get an idea of how many men in real life cheat, not just in my bubble (where the figure is 100%), why they cheat and how they feel about cheating in general.

I am fully aware that women cheat too, I never said they didn't, but I wanted to gain perspective on why men cheat, because sometimes the motivations are different between the genders.

CramCycle · 27-02-2019 1:26pm

Monife wrote: »

I am fully aware that women cheat too, I never said they didn't, but I wanted to gain perspective on why men cheat, because sometimes the motivations are different between the genders.

I don't think the motivations are different, some do it for fulfillment, some do it because they can, some do it because they are not invested in the relationship, this is the same for both genders. Some do it because when it was offered, the biological urges were more than they were expecting.

Cyclepath · 27-02-2019 1:33pm

Monife wrote: »

I am fully aware that women cheat too, I never said they didn't, but I wanted to gain perspective on why men cheat, because sometimes the motivations are different between the genders.

If that's really what you want to know then I'll certainly tell you. I think there is usually more than one reason. In my own case the reasons were as follows:

Because my wife commodified sex and used it as currency and a control mechanism within our marriage.

Because I had an opportunity to do so with someone that wanted to have sex with me simply for the enjoyment of the act.

Because I was able to rationalise my decision based on the unsatisfactory state of my marriage.

Because I was horny... yep, it's that simple.

So ultimately, if your partner acts in bad faith and withholds sex and someone else is happy to engage in it, the outcome is almost inevitable (well for me it was...).

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 27-02-2019 1:40pm

Human beings tend to repeat behaviour we learn as children and be drawn to familiar patterns even if they're hurtful to us, because the comfort of familiar is more appealing than the risk of the unknown. This is largely unconscious as well. I, like probably many of you have had the experience of being quite a bit into a relationship with someone and having a sudden striking realisation of "Oh my God you're just like my father/I'm behaving exactly like my mother" when you would have said there was nothing even slightly like that at the beginning.

My point is people who come from families of origin or early peer groups that have a blasé attitude to infidelity often end in those kind of relationships even though they themselves are strongly opposed to it. It's striking that you say EVERY man in your life has been a cheater, would you consider therapy to talk through that?

Cheating

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