The Mess - Military Forum Off Topic Thread!

iceage · 14-07-2009 6:41pm

Nora Gorgeous Poplin wrote: »

Q; Where does a bullet leave the rifle?.

.

I don't know Nora Gorgeous Poplin....Where does a bullet leave the rifle?

"God... this better be good" :P

Hagar · 14-07-2009 6:42pm

Behind... but I'm only guessing that one.

iceage · 14-07-2009 6:44pm

Wait for it! Wait for it!.....

arybvtcw0eolkf · 14-07-2009 6:47pm

iceage wrote: »

I don't know Makikomi....Where does a bullet leave the rifle?

"God... this better be good" :P

In your arm's!..

Here's one to get the lads with at lunch time...

Q; What was Rommels last words to the men before every tank battle...

*you'll always get the know-it-all's who'll swear blind they know it but can't remember*

A; "Right men, get into your fvcking tanks".

:P

Another silly one...

Q;Where did Hilter keep his second armies?

A; In his sleevies!.

iceage · 14-07-2009 8:22pm

I'm crap at jokes, can never remember them, or p1ss myself laughing before the punchline. So I decided to steal Ahem... Aquire one or two of the Net.

The soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

A creative fellow, he went out and collected from his buddies all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:

"Dear Mary, I can not remember which one is you ... please keep YOUR photo and return the others!!!

Q: How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
A: Only one, but he does it from 30 miles away using laser targeting, and at a cost of US $8,000,

Jesus must've been a Guardsman. He only had twelve mates and one of them jacked him in for beer tokens!!!

iceage · 14-07-2009 9:14pm

iceage wrote: »

I'm crap at jokes, can never remember them, or p1ss myself laughing before the punchline. So I decided to steal Ahem... Aquire one or two of the Net.

The soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

A creative fellow, he went out and collected from his buddies all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:

"Dear Mary, I can not remember which one is you ... please keep YOUR photo and return the others!!!

Q: How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
A: Only one, but he does it from 30 miles away using laser targeting, and at a cost of US $8,000,

Jesus must've been a Guardsman. He only had twelve mates and one of them jacked him in for beer tokens!!!

I'm off to get pissed.... Its been a sh1te day really.... What with all the comings and goings.

Hagar · 19-07-2009 4:49pm

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KoQb8vb4blA

Local-womanizer · 19-07-2009 4:55pm

Hagar wrote: »

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KoQb8vb4blA

Watch your dressing!!!Lift em,bend em,sink em!!!!

Poccington · 19-07-2009 5:05pm

****ing hell I'm tired.

Local-womanizer · 20-07-2009 11:12pm

Poccington wrote: »

****ing hell I'm tired.

Work or recreation related?!

Poccington · 20-07-2009 11:30pm

Local-womanizer wrote: »

Work or recreation related?!

Work related.

Had an absolute **** of a week and I never wanna see another shell scrape for as long as I live.

Local-womanizer · 20-07-2009 11:37pm

Poccington wrote: »

Work related.

Had an absolute **** of a week and I never wanna see another shell scrape for as long as I live.

I never want to see another army dinner in Mullingar again,lost a stone in 2 weeks:mad:

I do enjoy putting it back on though!

pmg58 · 21-07-2009 12:17am

Local-womanizer wrote: »

I never want to see another army dinner in Mullingar again,lost a stone in 2 weeks:mad:

The only thing that kept me from wasting away completely the last two weeks in Mullingar were the chicken tenders in Sofia's! I'm still upset they ran out of them on the last night.

Local-womanizer · 21-07-2009 12:24am

pmg58 wrote: »

The only thing that kept me from wasting away completely the last two weeks in Mullingar were the chicken tenders in Sofia's! I'm still upset they ran out of them on the last night.

The battered sausages and the deep fried mars bars where good also!

I think I lost all my weight on the dancefloor in the lane rather than the frantic running around the square carrying logs and tires!Damn cheating recruits!

Poccington · 21-07-2009 12:35am

Going by your posts lads, I would've gladly swapped losing a stone down in Mullingar for the week I had.

Cushy bastards.

Local-womanizer · 21-07-2009 12:46am

Poccington wrote: »

Going by your posts lads, I would've gladly swapped losing a stone down in Mullingar for the week I had.

Cushy bastards.

I dont know Pocc,I like to eat my food in the knowlege that I wont be stuck on the toilet for the next couple of hours!Doing 4 sh!tes in 1 day takes it out of you,Hole on me like the japanese flag!:P

iceage · 21-07-2009 9:18pm

ROFL. Now THERES a description.....

pmg58 · 21-07-2009 9:24pm

And yet they couldnt understand why the billets kept running out of toilet paper :rolleyes:

Local-womanizer · 21-07-2009 9:29pm

pmg58 wrote: »

And yet they couldnt understand why the billets kept running out of toilet paper :rolleyes:

Or why the toilets kept blocking up:(

iceage · 21-07-2009 9:44pm

Jesus lads, that bad? I had an interesting conversation with a fellow I know about the benefits and downfalls of british rat packs, and a certain biscuit we remembered with fondness included within them, Biscuit AB.

End of the sh!ts as you know them! known more by they more amusing, but oh so true description. Biscuits anal blockage.

pmg58 · 21-07-2009 9:47pm

Sounds a lot like the "Brown Biscuits" in the Irish ration packs.

And to think i had an old and probably very crushed packet of them in my gear somewhere, i could have solved the entire problem and i never even thought of it.

Local-womanizer · 21-07-2009 9:48pm

I have them sitting about in my gear too!Loving the name,biscuit ABs!

pmg58 · 21-07-2009 9:51pm

I dont think i've ever met anyone man enough to actually eat them.

Local-womanizer · 21-07-2009 9:54pm

You havent met me:cool:

Oh wait........

pmg58 · 21-07-2009 9:57pm

Wait a minute...your avatar is you eating the biscuits! Seriously tho, they should be given out with the dinners down there.

Although they do say the army catering course is the hardest in the army...

iceage · 21-07-2009 10:15pm

Fruit or brown? brown are rank. Only solution I had was to dunk them in tea or slap slices of bacon burger in between them.

pmg58 · 21-07-2009 10:33pm

Brown are indeed rank, fruit arent too bad, a bit on the dry side. Unfortunately I've been told they have the opposite effect to the Brown biscuits...the mullingar effect :eek:

Local-womanizer · 21-07-2009 10:37pm

pmg58 wrote: »

Brown are indeed rank, fruit arent too bad, a bit on the dry side. Unfortunately I've been told they have the opposite effect to the Brown biscuits...the mullingar effect :eek:

The Mullingar detox effect!

Mind you the mint cakes are unreal!Not a big fan of the spotted dick though,puns galore!

pmg58 · 21-07-2009 10:38pm

The Mullingar diet: How to eat like a horse and still lose a stone in 2 weeks.

Mint cake is great...especially the chocolate covered one. Spotted dick isnt bad...just dont spill it all over your rifle. I'm a massive fan of the dried fruit too, but they seem to be very much a love-it-or-hate-it thing.

iceage · 21-07-2009 10:54pm

Ahh ffs, Mintcake...Never got that in our gear, good thng too, i bought some in some outdoor shop once and I discovered..I absolutely hate the stuff, now I'll eat anything, and I mean anything but I'll swap that stuff for a couple of packets of coffee any day.....Yuck!

Local-womanizer · 21-07-2009 11:00pm

:eek:I thought everyone loved the mintcake,a little slice of heaven on them cold wet nights in your bivvie on your own!

pmg58 · 21-07-2009 11:04pm

Iceage, I pity you, I really do. Mintcake is amazing.

However I wouldn't recommend eating something almost entirely composed of sugar whilst trying to get to sleep :rolleyes:.

iceage · 21-07-2009 11:26pm

Local-womanizer wrote: »

:eek:I thought everyone loved the mintcake,a little slice of heaven on them cold wet nights in your bivvie on your own!

bashers, no bivvies in my day mate, used to get a mars or something similar, or swapped with mates, always carried some extra goodies in my beltkit though. Sucker for boiled sweets. The Dextrose tabs were nice. It was always rumoured that they were the antidote for the old AB's never found that myself, and would spend the next few days after an Exercise trying to sort myself out so to speak! A few pints and a decent kebab would always sort it out.;)

Funny I take 1000mg Vitamin C tabs daily now as routine and have never had a problem. Ratpacks have came a long way since then.

pmg58 · 21-07-2009 11:32pm

iceage wrote: »

bashers, no bivvies in my day mate

And the old-man award goes to Iceage :pac:

iceage · 22-07-2009 9:36am

And I'd like to thank the Academy........:D

Poccington · 03-08-2009 1:56pm

COME ON THE DUBS!

iceage · 03-08-2009 3:34pm

Is there a match on??.......

tribulus · 03-08-2009 3:52pm

iceage wrote: »

Is there a match on??.......

I would have called it training...for Kerry.

Poccington · 03-08-2009 3:57pm

I'm absolutely disgusted.

minidazzler · 03-08-2009 4:25pm

Poccington wrote: »

I'm absolutely disgusted.

You're not actually surprized though are you?

Hagar · 03-08-2009 7:45pm

I thought it would have been closer, I wasn't expecting a rout.

iceage · 03-08-2009 9:28pm

What was the score, I was far, far to busy to watch a match today.....

Local-womanizer · 04-08-2009 6:29pm

Poccington wrote: »

I'm absolutely disgusted.

Same here:(

I hate Cork!

iceage · 05-08-2009 11:27pm

Hey guys forgot to tell ya I found a guy in Wexford who sells Fruit biscuits!!!! OH YESSSS!

Local-womanizer · 06-08-2009 12:12am

iceage wrote: »

Hey guys forgot to tell ya I found a guy in Wexford who sells Fruit biscuits!!!! OH YESSSS!

Eugh!Get me a mint cake and I'll be happy!:pac:nom:pac:

Craigsy · 10-08-2009 4:51pm

Anyone read operation certain death? more impotantly anybody ever make the mre bomb :pac::pac: CB-MRE B

One of the funniest pieces of self engineering i've come across

pmg58 · 10-08-2009 4:52pm

mre bomb? explain please!

Craigsy · 10-08-2009 5:23pm

Well it was invented by a bored SAS lad know as Yokel. They were on a training exercise with US SF (Seals and Delta) and he was sitting in the tent messing about with the mre's. He took note of how you add water and it heats up and gives off a gas. So, he thought about how you use the heat and pressure, enter coke bottle, so he stuffed as much of the mre as he could into the coke bottle and scrambled to find the lid, and the Coke Bottle MRE Bomb was made He left it outside Air troops tent until it exploded, with a fairly big explosion according to him, and broke his s**te laughing as air troop piled out of the tent, mp5's at the ready. Eventually they all figure out how to make them and after reaching the point of MAD, they decided it would be more fun to use it on their american counter parts, who didnt seem to find it funny at all.

He soon move onto the CB-MRE-B Mark II, they chemically weaponised version as he put it, basically they pissed in it instead of using water. Again the americans didnt see the funny side when they set them off in us tents

pmg58 · 10-08-2009 5:35pm

Thats brilliant! Next time I get issued the chemical heaters in my ration pack I think I'll keep one for future use...

Craigsy · 10-08-2009 5:38pm

Yeah, grab all you can

Their excuse to the OC when the yanks grassed them up was that they were testing the security of the base, the americans didnt like being waked up by a piss and homey pie bomb

The Mess - Military Forum Off Topic Thread!

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