Friendship advice

corklily05 · 01-03-2019 9:44pm #1

Just looking to see what people think of this!

I'm very new to this site, but this problem has been niggling away at me for a while now. I was home for christmas and on a night out with friends. Same old banter was had until suddenly 1 of the lads started 'slagging' me.

He started with 'you're not invited to my wedding', i said ya whatever but he kept it up. So then, i started giving it back to him as good as i was receiving it for a while until it became ridiculous. So, i got fed up with it all. 3 of us were walking home in the lashing rain and it was still going on.

I said nothing, it was way over the top what was happening, this was over the course of a few hours, the lads i was with said nothing, it just go to much. One of the lads finally flagged down a taxi and i refused to get in. I walked home as a result. I know the whole banter sh!t will be just said back to me if i ever confronted this person.

Thing is, we have a whats app group and i immediately deleted myself from it, i was added back the next day. There's in total 8 of us on the group and i havent posted a response to anything since that night. 2 of the lads have expressed concern and text me off the group to see what was going on! i explained in full my thoughts, both of them agreed it was way over the top what happened that night.

This guy's stag is coming up soon and ive been invited but havent responded, should i go?

Tiddlypeeps · 01-03-2019 9:55pm

Is this someone you would have been close with or has there always been tension?

If he was just acting up this one time and is normally a good friend then I'd be inclined to just have a conversation with him, ask for an apology and move on.

If this is normal behaviour and this is a person you don't really like very much then I personally wouldn't be attending their stag or wedding. I'd continue being pleasant but passive with them in order to keep the peace and remain friends with the rest of the group, but I wouldn't be going out of my way for them or putting up with abuse from them.

corklily05 · 01-03-2019 10:02pm

Hi tiddlypeeps,

We don't see each other that often but ill find it hard if i ever want to meet up with the others and he is there. To be fair the other lads have checked in so i cant say they dont care. The fact he hasn't apologised makes me wonder. Eventhough, he has been told that he was way over the top. It happened once before but it was years ago, i only thought of this after it happened.

I've 2 questions, firstly, why me?

Secondly, should i be a mug for anyone?

wiggle16 · 01-03-2019 10:45pm

Hi OP

One thing first: you say your other friends have checked in with you but he hasn't, even though he's been made aware of it - it's a really bad idea to hope friends will be go-betweens. It's nothing to do with them. If you want to sort this out you have to do it yourself.

If you haven't spoken to him, how is he to know how annoyed you are? You don't know if those lads told him what you said, or told him they thought it went too far, or even spoke to him about it. You can't expect them to. So far, all you've done is removed yourself from a whatsapp group without an explanation.

It's hard to tell if you like him at all or if you're only angry over this. Long and short of it is, pair of you had a slagging match and you felt it went too far. That happens. But you said it's only happened once before, years ago, so it's not like it's regular behaviour from this lad. In all honesty, what I'm getting from your post is that he went too far with slagging you and you're giving him the silent treatment and waiting for him to approach you, and it's festering now because he hasn't. You're not going to get an apology if he doesn't know you're annoyed, and you can't rely on others to tell him how you feel.

If you are this angry about it, you should say it to him that you didn't enjoy that "banter", it went too far and it's really after annoying/hurting you. Then see what he says and make your decision based on that.

I've 2 questions, firstly, why me?
Secondly, should i be a mug for anyone?

He's the only person who can answer the first question, and to do that, you'll have to talk to him.

Your second question is a truism and not a good way to approach this kind of thing. Don't let your pride get in the way of your friendships. Don't skip the stag just because you want to use it as a "f*ck you" to him. You'll come off looking worse.
Talk to him and see what he says. Then you'll know if you want to go to the stag or not. Good luck

corklily05 · 02-03-2019 12:41am

wiggle16 wrote: »

Hi OP

One thing first: you say your other friends have checked in with you but he hasn't, even though he's been made aware of it - it's a really bad idea to hope friends will be go-betweens. It's nothing to do with them. If you want to sort this out you have to do it yourself.

If you haven't spoken to him, how is he to know how annoyed you are? You don't know if those lads told him what you said, or told him they thought it went too far, or even spoke to him about it. You can't expect them to. So far, all you've done is removed yourself from a whatsapp group without an explanation.

It's hard to tell if you like him at all or if you're only angry over this. Long and short of it is, pair of you had a slagging match and you felt it went too far. That happens. But you said it's only happened once before, years ago, so it's not like it's regular behaviour from this lad. In all honesty, what I'm getting from your post is that he went too far with slagging you and you're giving him the silent treatment and waiting for him to approach you, and it's festering now because he hasn't. You're not going to get an apology if he doesn't know you're annoyed, and you can't rely on others to tell him how you feel.

If you are this angry about it, you should say it to him that you didn't enjoy that "banter", it went too far and it's really after annoying/hurting you. Then see what he says and make your decision based on that.

He's the only person who can answer the first question, and to do that, you'll have to talk to him.

Your second question is a truism and not a good way to approach this kind of thing. Don't let your pride get in the way of your friendships. Don't skip the stag just because you want to use it as a "f*ck you" to him. You'll come off looking worse.
Talk to him and see what he says. Then you'll know if you want to go to the stag or not. Good luck

Thanks for your input. Sometimes you need to get an outside perspective on things. I'm living away from home for a long time now and those lads are still at home.

I feel like i'm on the periphery of things for a while now as i've made friends elsewhere and don't see the lads as much. Maybe, you're correct about the apology part, a few home truths never does anybody any harm.

I do feel a little let down by the whole thing, the 2 lads i've been talking about it to have agreed with me that he took it to far and have confirmed that they spoke to him about this issue.

But, in saying that the person in question is not the only one i've given the silent treatment to, its the whole group. I feel like i've been the mug for this group for quite sometime and my wife pointed it out to me before but i just brushed it off.

This could very well be the straw that broke the camel's back and the reaction of the lads who did contact me seems to me like as a whole, they've pushed it to far. The best thing to do at the time for me was to take a step back and not crawl back for more punishment.

This may come across as extreme to people but no exaggeration

wiggle16 · 02-03-2019 12:57am

corklily05 wrote: »

I feel like i've been the mug for this group for quite sometime and my wife pointed it out to me before but i just brushed it off.

If this is how you feel then I think you have your answer, unfortunately.

What do you mean when you say you've been the mug for the group? Like I know what the phrase means, but what is happening that's made your wife notice it too? Like do you end up being the butt of every joke, or?

corklily05 · 02-03-2019 1:01am

wiggle16 wrote: »

If this is how you feel then I think you have your answer, unfortunately.

What do you mean when you say you've been the mug for the group? Like I know what the phrase means, but what is happening that's made your wife notice it too? Like do you end up being the butt of every joke, or?

Yes, butt of the joke. The way they've spoken to me in the past in front of her, just a little older now and just maybe a little wiser so not willing to put up with as much.

Also, i feel there's a click in the group and if you're not in it its just if you're around well in good, if not it dosen't matter.

I've known these people half my life so a lot has changed since then, people change also and i feel i've changed the most

Wanderer2010 · 02-03-2019 11:46am

corklily05 wrote: »

Yes, butt of the joke. The way they've spoken to me in the past in front of her, just a little older now and just maybe a little wiser so not willing to put up with as much.

Also, i feel there's a click in the group and if you're not in it its just if you're around well in good, if not it dosen't matter.

I've known these people half my life so a lot has changed since then, people change also and i feel i've changed the most

People do change and that's normally the case and friends also drift apart when someone moves on to a different area, or perhaps they have matured and no longer wish to get p!ssed or they find different things funny. Its perfectly natural and I think in this regard, women are better at making a decision to cut a friendship because they talk more about their feelings and tune into possible nastiness from their friends more than men.

Men tend to slag each other a lot and there is definitely this social pressure to just be "one of the lads" or just "take it on the chin" but you have the right to be respected as well and if you feel excluded or disrespected, then there is your answer. Its your feelings, they are valid and real so there is an issue there. I would ask yourself OP to take 5 minutes and think really hard about "Would I want this person at my wedding?" in relation to your friends. Would you want their company and do you feel respected by this person? If the answer is no, you need to either cut all contact or say in a text to this person "I don't want your company anymore, we have drifted apart. I wish you the best". Its hard but necessary, best of luck!

orourkeda1977 · 02-03-2019 1:20pm

I had a couple of thoughts.

If he is like this on a night out then whats he going to be like when the wedding day comes around?

This behaviour strikes me as immature. What age is this guy exactly? This goes on all the time among young blokes but at a certain age people should start growing up and afford your peer a certain level of respect. We all drop in the odd slag here and there but doing it to this level suggest either immaturity or an underlying problem.

Do you know this guys future wife? Where does she fit in to all of this?

corklily05 · 02-03-2019 6:16pm

orourkeda1977 wrote: »

I had a couple of thoughts.

If he is like this on a night out then whats he going to be like when the wedding day comes around?

This behaviour strikes me as immature. What age is this guy exactly? This goes on all the time among young blokes but at a certain age people should start growing up and afford your peer a certain level of respect. We all drop in the odd slag here and there but doing it to this level suggest either immaturity or an underlying problem.

Do you know this guys future wife? Where does she fit in to all of this?

Well, i'm presuming he'll be busy on the wedding day! Photos, speeches, talking to everyone etc..

This guy is 35 and to be honest if there is an underlying problem i wouldn't have a clue what it is. I know his future wife quite well, i knew her before they got together.

She was not in attendance for the night in question and i doubt if he really told her anything, if so, he's put his own spin on it no doubt,

corklily05 · 02-03-2019 6:28pm

Wanderer2010 wrote: »

People do change and that's normally the case and friends also drift apart when someone moves on to a different area, or perhaps they have matured and no longer wish to get p!ssed or they find different things funny. Its perfectly natural and I think in this regard, women are better at making a decision to cut a friendship because they talk more about their feelings and tune into possible nastiness from their friends more than men.

Men tend to slag each other a lot and there is definitely this social pressure to just be "one of the lads" or just "take it on the chin" but you have the right to be respected as well and if you feel excluded or disrespected, then there is your answer. Its your feelings, they are valid and real so there is an issue there. I would ask yourself OP to take 5 minutes and think really hard about "Would I want this person at my wedding?" in relation to your friends. Would you want their company and do you feel respected by this person? If the answer is no, you need to either cut all contact or say in a text to this person "I don't want your company anymore, we have drifted apart. I wish you the best". Its hard but necessary, best of luck!

Yes there's a huge pressure to take it on the chin and move on. It brings me to a point where i ask myself what am i even doing here in this social circle as i have less and less in common with them.

The fact i'm living away for quite a while, has added to this so i'm not aware of all the inside jokes they have. So, after this incident i wonder even if i gain respect from this, in a few months time will everything just go back to normal?

My best man at my wedding has expressed a lot of concern, he actually went to the bother of getting my wife's number to text her to see if i was ok, another guy text also. I can't tar them all with the same brush. Sound lads individually but together a little intimidating at times.

redfox123 · 02-03-2019 7:01pm

Sounds like you don't enjoy the group, it's probably been the same since school years and you've outgrown the pack kind of mentality, it's immature and you don't feel the need for it anymore like you would have in your 20s when you were all probably single men. Some them sound decent so why not just meet up with those now and again, one or two of them for a pint. I think you're a bit beyond going out with a big group of 'de lads' for loads of pints, it sounds exhausting and annoying. And that guy with the constant slagging sounds an unfunny eijit.

jopax · 02-03-2019 7:15pm

He just sounds like a bully trying to put you down like that.
I definitely would not go on the stag or wedding.
Like the previous post said keep in touch with the 2 guys that sound like they are genuine.

It's very telling that your wife has mentioned this before so she could obviously see something wasn't right.

Save your time for decent people & if that means cutting a few cords so be it.

corklily05 · 02-03-2019 8:57pm

redfox123 wrote: »

Sounds like you don't enjoy the group, it's probably been the same since school years and you've outgrown the pack kind of mentality, it's immature and you don't feel the need for it anymore like you would have in your 20s when you were all probably single men. Some them sound decent so why not just meet up with those now and again, one or two of them for a pint. I think you're a bit beyond going out with a big group of 'de lads' for loads of pints, it sounds exhausting and annoying. And that guy with the constant slagging sounds an unfunny eijit.

I suppose not everyone who's advising me can be wrong about this, yes the 2 lads are decent. Another guy in the group, his father passed away recently and i couldn't bring myself to travel down and attend the funeral.

I'm also doing a masters and working full time so i didnt really need this on my plate

corklily05 · 02-03-2019 9:00pm

jopax wrote: »

He just sounds like a bully trying to put you down like that.
I definitely would not go on the stag or wedding.
Like the previous post said keep in touch with the 2 guys that sound like they are genuine.

It's very telling that your wife has mentioned this before so she could obviously see something wasn't right.

Save your time for decent people & if that means cutting a few cords so be it.

i think you're spot on with cutting a few cords, an outside perspective is what i needed. I'm also working full time and studying part time at the moment so this dilemma is just exhausting.

Wanderer2010 · 02-03-2019 10:20pm

Male friendship is different from female friendship. Men don't really need deep connections with a friend, its more someone to hang out with, have a few beers and maybe a laugh or two so you can easily afford to cut people out as you wish. This guy probably wont even notice, and you are better off. Men don't need friends as much as women do.

corklily05 · 02-03-2019 10:25pm

Wanderer2010 wrote: »

Male friendship is different from female friendship. Men don't really need deep connections with a friend, its more someone to hang out with, have a few beers and maybe a laugh or two so you can easily afford to cut people out as you wish. This guy probably wont even notice, and you are better off. Men don't need friends as much as women do.

Apparently he's been asking about me through others but you're probably right. Over time, ill be a distant memory

wiggle16 · 02-03-2019 10:48pm

Wanderer2010 wrote: »

Male friendship is different from female friendship. Men don't really need deep connections with a friend, its more someone to hang out with, have a few beers and maybe a laugh or two so you can easily afford to cut people out as you wish. This guy probably wont even notice, and you are better off. Men don't need friends as much as women do.

Maybe you enjoy your own company and that's fine, but this is definitely not the case for men generally.

The OP shouldn't base his decision to cut off these lads on whether or not he needs freinds at all, it's whether or not these are friends worth having.

Men defininitely need friends just as much as women. Life is too long to spend it alone.

Ursus Horribilis · 02-03-2019 10:55pm

Out of curiosity, what does your wife think you should do? She was sharp enough to spot what was going on before this issue arose.

corklily05 · 02-03-2019 11:00pm

wiggle16 wrote: »

Maybe you enjoy your own company and that's fine, but this is definitely not the case for men generally.

The OP shouldn't base his decision to cut off these lads on whether or not he needs freinds at all, it's whether or not these are friends worth having.

Men defininitely need friends just as much as women. Life is too long to spend it alone.

I definitely need friends, everybody does. I have other friends for sure, its just hard to let go but now, i'm starting to see things a lot clearer. Life is just to short to put up with the crap and politics that comes with a large group of friends.

It makes me sad as we've had really good times, but i don't think it'll be the same again no matter what the outcome is.

corklily05 · 02-03-2019 11:04pm

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Out of curiosity, what does your wife think you should do? She was sharp enough to spot what was going on before this issue arose.

She said she supports whatever i do. The 2 lads who have contacted me are real friends as they've proved and she was impressed by that. I'm actually talking to someone aswell which is helping, wife encouraged this. this is not the only issue, work is sh!t, family, studying etc..

It just came all a little overwhelming when this happened

Panthro · 02-03-2019 11:07pm

Does his missus get on well with your missus?
Behind the scenes the bride to be might be saying "I don't want that so and so coming" if they didn't get on. Just a thought.

I'd knock it on the head and ask him straight out whys he saying you're not invited to the wedding. If they don't want ya there fine, line in sand drawn you'll owe him nothing. If he says he's only messing say grand but please tone town the slagging as its not on.
Yer grown men. Remind him of it.

corklily05 · 03-03-2019 1:07am

Panthro wrote: »

Does his missus get on well with your missus?
Behind the scenes the bride to be might be saying "I don't want that so and so coming" if they didn't get on. Just a thought.

I'd knock it on the head and ask him straight out whys he saying you're not invited to the wedding. If they don't want ya there fine, line in sand drawn you'll owe him nothing. If he says he's only messing say grand but please tone town the slagging as its not on.
Yer grown men. Remind him of it.

His missus dosen't know my missus very well at all, they've already attended our wedding so, i think that's a non runner.

What would happen if i said this to him, knowing him well, he'd pawn it off as a joke. I understand what you're saying about saying it to him but i don't see him and i'm to tied down with other stuff to put this as a priority.

Everybody is thinking along the same lines, life is to short, ditch him, that sort of thing. I reckon it's pretty sound advice.

Woolly_Jumper · 03-03-2019 9:52am

It sounds like you have had a really hard time of it. This has happened me a few times in my life and I've taken different approaches depending on how much I valued the friendship. In one case I slowly withdrew and moved them into acquaintance territory. However in cases where there is a group and I know that I will see them on an ongoing basis. The best way is to stand up for yourself and say something. Arrange to meet on a one to one, without drink and talk about how you felt. Keep it focused on this isn't really acceptable behaviour and try not to blame. Empathise and give them space to explain but without compromising your truth. I think that if you cut off this friend without explanation it will affect the other friendships too. Friendship groups go through phases and sometimes you can be closer to others at varying points. I'm guessing that you have been friends more than 20odd years. Thats a long time! Many people would kill to have a group like that. By standing up for yourself with integrity and being aware of the other person it will change how your viewed in the group. If he doesnt reciprocate or just brushes it off then its up to you what next but at least you can have your head held high. Finally regarding your other friend in the group who's father passed away, if you have the headspace. It would be good to apologise that you werent there for him and explain why...people remember things and it can really really mean a lot for someone bereaved to hear that they matter. Anyway best of luck with it

Faith · 03-03-2019 10:30am

It sounds like you’re pretty overwhelmed in general at the moment. When I get like that, I can’t handle the politics of friendships! In the last few months, I’ve been busier than I ever have and I’ve had to text one group of friends and tell them I’d be AWOL for a few months and I’m sorry that I can’t be there for their life stuff right now, and I’ve pulled away completely from friends that drain me. I’ve kept up with a handful of close, local friends and I’ve been more engaged with acquaintances who don’t ask anything of me.

Maybe you could take a step back from this group for a bit without cutting all ties? Text the big WhatsApp group and say something like “Hey guys, I’m completely up the walls for the next while and won’t be around. I’ll catch up with you all again when things settle down” and then you can still keep in contact with the couple of mates you’re closest to in a 1:1 or smaller group way?

corklily05 · 03-03-2019 11:05am

Faith wrote: »

It sounds like you’re pretty overwhelmed in general at the moment. When I get like that, I can’t handle the politics of friendships! In the last few months, I’ve been busier than I ever have and I’ve had to text one group of friends and tell them I’d be AWOL for a few months and I’m sorry that I can’t be there for their life stuff right now, and I’ve pulled away completely from friends that drain me. I’ve kept up with a handful of close, local friends and I’ve been more engaged with acquaintances who don’t ask anything of me.

Maybe you could take a step back from this group for a bit without cutting all ties? Text the big WhatsApp group and say something like “Hey guys, I’m completely up the walls for the next while and won’t be around. I’ll catch up with you all again when things settle down” and then you can still keep in contact with the couple of mates you’re closest to in a 1:1 or smaller group way?

Yes, i've taken a complete back step from them and have only contacted the lads who contacted me individually. The politics in a large group of friends is draining and i don't need this crap right now.

Working nights, studying for a masters, work is as worse as its ever been, not getting on well there at all for the last 6 months. This sort of tipped me over the edge a little which led to me coming on here

jopax · 03-03-2019 6:37pm

corklily05 wrote: »

Yes, i've taken a complete back step from them and have only contacted the lads who contacted me individually. The politics in a large group of friends is draining and i don't need this crap right now.

Working nights, studying for a masters, work is as worse as its ever been, not getting on well there at all for the last 6 months. This sort of tipped me over the edge a little which led to me coming on here

I'm glad to hear your thinking that way, you don't deserve to be treated that way.
Life is hard enough at the best of times, you have to mind yourself & anyone that treats you that way is toxic.
You are standing your ground now & I understand things are tough ATM but things will get better.

corklily05 · 03-03-2019 9:45pm

jopax wrote: »

I'm glad to hear your thinking that way, you don't deserve to be treated that way.
Life is hard enough at the best of times, you have to mind yourself & anyone that treats you that way is toxic.
You are standing your ground now & I understand things are tough ATM but things will get better.

Ya, i need to get to the bottom of this, working nights and doing an engineering masters have me pretty tied down. I really didn't need this at anytime, never mind now.
I know they'll get better, sometime you need somebody to say it

oil painting · 03-03-2019 11:06pm

Hi,

Firstly you should be really proud of yourself that you stood up for yourself and didn't get in the taxi and walked home alone. Your other friends should not have allowed him go too far he sounds like he has too much influence in the group. People who stand by and do nothing are just as much responsible, but you saw who your true friends were and they came back to you, you standing up for yourself may have made them think too.

There is an old quote someone said, you have enemies? Good, it means you stood up for something.

Secondly these trying times are blessings in disguise, use it for change. Your not like him and i think you should validate your experience and use it to step back from the pack. Leave the group again. Allow the true friends to contact you individually. These groups can be time consuming and pointless sometimes and it doesn't make for close friendships. Don't let anyone minimize how important this is to you and your life right now. If you didn't have to see what was going on in that group, getting notifications about it etc it would make your life a lot easier with the amount of pressure you are under.

The beauty of life is that we get to teach people how to treat us and who we want in it. You have a loving wife and network of friends, its OK to see where the value is and also let go of anyone that doesn't have your well being at heart. Your friends should be supporting you at this time not making your life worse.

And lastly i wouldn't go to that wedding.

SirChenjin · 04-03-2019 12:09am

I'm inclined to think...let him off with himself and his wedding. It sounds like what a child would say 'you are not coming to MY party'.

Friendships change and move on. That's life. In your shoes, I would be focusing on what is important right now. It's not him. Or his wedding.

Mind yourself.

corklily05 · 04-03-2019 9:49am

SirChenjin wrote: »

I'm inclined to think...let him off with himself and his wedding. It sounds like what a child would say 'you are not coming to MY party'.

Friendships change and move on. That's life. In your shoes, I would be focusing on what is important right now. It's not him. Or his wedding.

Mind yourself.

oil painting wrote: »

Hi,

Firstly you should be really proud of yourself that you stood up for yourself and didn't get in the taxi and walked home alone. Your other friends should not have allowed him go too far he sounds like he has too much influence in the group. People who stand by and do nothing are just as much responsible, but you saw who your true friends were and they came back to you, you standing up for yourself may have made them think too.

There is an old quote someone said, you have enemies? Good, it means you stood up for something.

Secondly these trying times are blessings in disguise, use it for change. Your not like him and i think you should validate your experience and use it to step back from the pack. Leave the group again. Allow the true friends to contact you individually. These groups can be time consuming and pointless sometimes and it doesn't make for close friendships. Don't let anyone minimize how important this is to you and your life right now. If you didn't have to see what was going on in that group, getting notifications about it etc it would make your life a lot easier with the amount of pressure you are under.

The beauty of life is that we get to teach people how to treat us and who we want in it. You have a loving wife and network of friends, its OK to see where the value is and also let go of anyone that doesn't have your well being at heart. Your friends should be supporting you at this time not making your life worse.

And lastly i wouldn't go to that wedding.

Enough people have advised me on the stag and the wedding at the stage and i'm going to take them up on it.
It has had a lasting impression on me, i'm not actually the first person to be isolated from this group, there's been a few others over the last few years that have fallen by the wayside.

You're right about him having influence over the group, he's in that inner circle and to be honest, i was never really interested in being there due to having other friends and also the politics is so draining. As i see these reply's more and more it gives me a sense if relief that i'm making some good choices for my own welfare and not putting a lot of time into something and getting hardly anything back

Friendship advice

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