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Are my grandparents being too relaxed about this situation?

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2

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    #32
    meeeeh
    Registered Users Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    chris525 wrote: »
    If not, I think it's too hard for me to have a relationship with them if they aren't going to be angry with him. Only time will tell.

    OP they brought up their son and they have decades long relationship with him. They never met you. You are in no position to demand things from them, you are a stranger who is possibly related to them. They owe you nothing and unless they fell out with their son he will be always a priority.


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    #33
    chris525
    Closed Accounts Posts: 214 ✭✭chris525


    meeeeh wrote: »
    OP they brought up their son and they have decades long relationship with him. They never met you. You are in no position to demand things from them, you are a stranger who is possibly related to them. They owe you nothing and unless they fell out with their son he will be always a priority.

    I can understand that but I don't know if this is going to be a good place for me emotionally. Logically, I know all of the things you are telling me but I just don't think that this is something that I can do.

    They appear to be quite interested in a relationship but unless their opinion of their son is going to change I simply can't. I don't know what to tell them.


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    #34
    chris525
    Closed Accounts Posts: 214 ✭✭chris525


    Telly wrote: »
    This has happened over and over again to many people in all walks of life. You need to forget about the past and look into the future. If you want to build a relationship with them then do but let go of what has gone on.

    And you have no right to get angry on who's house they want to paint, that simply is none of your business. Oh and find a new counselor, that one seems to be useless.

    I don't think I can build a relationship with someone who is going to be 100% loyal to my arch-nemesis.


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    #35
    meeeeh
    Registered Users Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    chris525 wrote: »
    I can understand that but I don't know if this is going to be a good place for me emotionally. Logically, I know all of the things you are telling me but I just don't think that this is something that I can do.

    They appear to be quite interested in a relationship but unless their opinion of their son is going to change I simply can't. I don't know what to tell them.
    What you can or can't do is up to you. My point is you seem to be more invested into the whole thing than them and you approached them. You don't need to tell them anything, as far as I can see you live far away from them and don't intend to travel where they are anytime soon. You can be slow returning their phone calls or emails but polite. You don't need to ask about their son and you don't need to call them unless returning a call.


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    #36
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    chris525 wrote: »
    I don't think I can build a relationship with someone who is going to be 100% loyal to my arch-nemesis.

    Who's your arch-nemesis? Your father?


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    #37
    qwerty13
    Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    It’s like you’ve made a list of everything you feel wronged about, and have now concluded that absolutely nothing less than 100% adherence to your wishes (and it is your wishes, not your ‘standards’) is acceptable to you.

    Only one person is going to get hurt by this: YOU. You can get angry all you want, but no one is going to be 100% compliant with your wishes. Not your mother. Not your grandparents. Probably not your father. And you know what, they don’t have to. Sure it might be nice if they did, but you cannot make them. Until accept this, you’re stuck going around in an angry loop.


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    #38
    qwerty13
    Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    It’s like you’ve made a list of everything you feel wronged about, and have now concluded that absolutely nothing less than 100% adherence to your wishes (and it is your wishes, not your standards) is acceptable to you.

    Only one person is going to get hurt by this: YOU. You can get angry all you want, but no one is going to be 100% compliant with your wishes. Not your mother. Not your grandparents. Probably not your father. And you know what, they don’t have to. Sure it might be nice if they did, but you cannot make them. Until you accept this, you’re stuck going around in an angry loop.


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    #39
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    It's ironic you're railing against the grandparents for siding with their son when you're doing a version of the same thing. Your mother doesn't sound like she brings much positivity into your life or into those of your kids. Yet you still keep a relationship going with her because "it's complicated".


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    #40
    JeffKenna
    Registered Users Posts: 4,510 ✭✭✭JeffKenna


    chris525 wrote: »
    I don't think I can build a relationship with someone who is going to be 100% loyal to my arch-nemesis.

    You really need to change your counsellor immediately. They're not doing you any good.


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    #41
    Caranica
    Registered Users Posts: 10,007 ✭✭✭✭Caranica


    chris525 wrote: »
    I don't think I can build a relationship with someone who is going to be 100% loyal to my arch-nemesis.

    He was a sperm donor. You need to stop giving him more credit than that.


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    #42
    chris525
    Closed Accounts Posts: 214 ✭✭chris525


    meeeeh wrote: »
    What you can or can't do is up to you. My point is you seem to be more invested into the whole thing than them and you approached them. You don't need to tell them anything, as far as I can see you live far away from them and don't intend to travel where they are anytime soon. You can be slow returning their phone calls or emails but polite. You don't need to ask about their son and you don't need to call them unless returning a call.

    I'm getting kind of annoyed with these meaningless posts. THEY are more invested in this than I am. Don't post on here unless you're going to read everything.

    When I wrote them a letter I was ONLY looking for genealogical information. They are the ones who immediately wanted a relationship. They told me that they were crying because I sent them a photo of me when I was 4 years old last week. They have been in constant contact with me since I wrote the letter. THEY told me that this is very emotional for them, that they are dying to meet me, etc. etc.

    I didn't tell them anything of the sort.

    If I take a step back and don't reply to their emails for even just a week they don't like it. etc. etc.

    If they are crying and sad why go to paint someone's house? Makes no sense.

    If we're just random strangers then they should act like it and stop signing their emails with 'love grandma & grandpa' etc and stop sending me photos and expecting me to reply right away etc.

    They have sucked me in deep now and it's not a good emotional place.


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    #43
    chris525
    Closed Accounts Posts: 214 ✭✭chris525


    Ursus Horribilis wrote: »
    It's ironic you're railing against the grandparents for siding with their son when you're doing a version of the same thing. Your mother doesn't sound like she brings much positivity into your life or into those of your kids. Yet you still keep a relationship going with her because "it's complicated".

    I know it doesn't make sense but it's how I feel.


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    #44
    chris525
    Closed Accounts Posts: 214 ✭✭chris525


    Caranica wrote: »
    He was a sperm donor. You need to stop giving him more credit than that.

    He came around a few times when I was 4, 5 and once when I was 10. When I was 5 he told my mum that he couldn't handle us being there and he left. He asked me for my phone number at 18 but I felt that it was too abrupt. I was a shy teenager and you've never had a conversation before but now you're going to call me on the phone like we're BFFs? Never heard from him again.

    All this time he kept it a secret from his family even though he was calling my mum on the phone from time to time. Makes no sense.


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    #45
    chris525
    Closed Accounts Posts: 214 ✭✭chris525


    JeffKenna wrote: »
    You really need to change your counsellor immediately. They're not doing you any good.

    Yeah, I think you're right. It's just so hard to find one that fits into my schedule.


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    #46
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    chris525 wrote: »

    If they are crying and sad why go to paint someone's house? Makes no sense..

    Have your never heard the phrase "hate the sin, not the sinner"


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    #47
    chris525
    Closed Accounts Posts: 214 ✭✭chris525


    Ursus Horribilis wrote: »
    Have your never heard the phrase "hate the sin, not the sinner"

    I have. I just can't imagine wanting to paint someone's house if you are that upset. I wouldn't be able to do it. It also seems like appeasement. Who knows?


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    #48
    qwerty13
    Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    chris525 wrote: »
    I have. I just can't imagine wanting to paint someone's house if you are that upset. I wouldn't be able to do it. It also seems like appeasement. Who knows?

    Just because you ‘can’t imagine’ reacting a certain way doesn’t make your grandparents wrong or bad.

    Maybe they’ve always helped your father with house renovations. Maybe he helped them out on something else. It’s quite the leap to ‘appeasement’. And none of your business.

    They know their son and obviously have a relationship with him. They don’t know you. And yet you want them to upend a relationship with their son, because that’s what you’d do in their shoes. This is just so unreasonable on your part. And not going to happen. Again, you need to dial down your demands.


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    #49
    chris525
    Closed Accounts Posts: 214 ✭✭chris525


    qwerty13 wrote: »
    Just because you ‘can’t imagine’ reacting a certain way doesn’t make your grandparents wrong or bad.

    Maybe they’ve always helped your father with house renovations. Maybe he helped them out on something else. It’s quite the leap to ‘appeasement’. And none of your business.

    They know their son and obviously have a relationship with him. They don’t know you. And yet you want them to upend a relationship with their son, because that’s what you’d do in their shoes. This is just so unreasonable on your part. And not going to happen. Again, you need to dial down your demands.

    As I said before, if we're just random strangers then they should act like it and stop saying that they are crying etc. and stop saying 'love grandma & grandpa' etc. etc. stop expecting me to reply immediately etc..

    I haven't said any of this to them at all. It's just how I feel and what I'm struggling with.


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    #50
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    What exactly do you want them to do re their son?


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    #51
    chris525
    Closed Accounts Posts: 214 ✭✭chris525


    Ursus Horribilis wrote: »
    What exactly do you want them to do re their son?

    I want them to grill him and tell him off, tell him what a dirtbag he is and then at least criticize his actions to me. At least share their opinion about his actions.

    In my heart I hope someone in the family (maybe a sibling) won't be able to forgive him.


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    #52
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    And then what?


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    #53
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    i dont see how anything you are seeking is going to help you one iota.

    the advice you are getting to let it all go and move ln with the pieces of your life and your family that make you happy is very good advice.

    you say you dont think you can do that, but nobody else is going to help you with any of the other outcomes and you are the only person who can make the changes you need here.


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    #54
    chris525
    Closed Accounts Posts: 214 ✭✭chris525


    Ursus Horribilis wrote: »
    And then what?

    I don't know. I mean if my father at least does something or at least feels the slightest bit bad and wants to attempt to build a bridge then maybe I can cope better with everything else.

    He did ask for my number when I was 18 but I had my reasons for saying no. It turns out that that was when my half-brother turned about 5 and that was the last time he was involved with me at all (ghosts came back?).

    Who knows maybe this situation can be salvageable if he takes some action.


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    #55
    JeffKenna
    Registered Users Posts: 4,510 ✭✭✭JeffKenna


    chris525 wrote: »
    I want them to grill him and tell him off, tell him what a dirtbag he is and then at least criticize his actions to me. At least share their opinion about his actions.

    In my heart I hope someone in the family (maybe a sibling) won't be able to forgive him.

    I dunno, life is complicated and I doubt you know half the story of what happened. Most of the info your have seems to be coming from your mother and the stuff like your dad attending drug rebab is questionable as to whether it happened.
    You appear to be blinded by hate, believe it or not there's a high chance this man isn't a dirtbag and is a decent honest person.


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    #56
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    Even if your father isn't an upstanding citizen, there's a possibility he isn't the dirtbag you believe he is. It's ironic how you are lambasting his parents for not tearing him a new one while you stay in touch with your mother. You've said you hope she'll change or have an epiphany. Perhaps the grandparents have the same thoughts about your father. Why is it one rule for you and a different one for them?


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    #57
    Flippyfloppy
    Registered Users Posts: 3,748 ✭✭✭Flippyfloppy


    chris525 wrote: »
    As I said before, if we're just random strangers then they should act like it and stop saying that they are crying etc. and stop saying 'love grandma & grandpa' etc. etc. stop expecting me to reply immediately etc..

    I haven't said any of this to them at all. It's just how I feel and what I'm struggling with.

    They sound like loving grandparents, who treat people well, like you, your father.....maybe that's not what you were used to growing up? With your mother was love more conditional? That could be why you can't make sense of this situation. (I know that feeling too!)


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    #58
    SusieBlue
    Registered Users Posts: 8,029 ✭✭✭SusieBlue


    OP, you have a son yourself. If a woman came along, years down the line, claiming to be the adult child of your son would you promptly arrange to "grill him and tell him off" in front of her, and then completely cut him out of your family?

    Because if so that means you only love your son conditionally, not unconditionally.
    Human beings are flawed. You don't know the full story. You don't know whether his parents have expressed their anger at him privately. And regardless, HIS relationships with HIS parents is NONE of your business.
    Same as your relationship with your son is nothing do with anyone else.
    Its unacceptable and unreasonable to try to interfere.

    You can have a relationship with these people, without having a relationship with your father. That would be completely understandable.
    But you have no right to try to dictate their relationship with their son and the fact that you even feel entitled to make such demands, as a stranger to them, is bizarre.

    Some perspective and reflection is needed her. If someone told you to cut your son out of your life you wouldn't do it, so I don't see why you'd expect someone else to.


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    #59
    chris525
    Closed Accounts Posts: 214 ✭✭chris525


    Flippyfloppy wrote: »
    They sound like loving grandparents, who treat people well, like you, your father.....maybe that's not what you were used to growing up? With your mother was love more conditional? That could be why you can't make sense of this situation. (I know that feeling too!)

    Yes, in my family love was very conditional. If you did anything wrong at all you were not seen as lovable or a good person.


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    #60
    chris525
    Closed Accounts Posts: 214 ✭✭chris525


    SusieBlue wrote: »
    OP, you have a son yourself. If a woman came along, years down the line, claiming to be the adult child of your son would you promptly arrange to "grill him and tell him off" in front of her, and then completely cut him out of your family?

    Because if so that means you only love your son conditionally, not unconditionally.
    Human beings are flawed. You don't know the full story. You don't know whether his parents have expressed their anger at him privately. And regardless, HIS relationships with HIS parents is NONE of your business.
    Same as your relationship with your son is nothing do with anyone else.
    Its unacceptable and unreasonable to try to interfere.

    You can have a relationship with these people, without having a relationship with your father. That would be completely understandable.
    But you have no right to try to dictate their relationship with their son and the fact that you even feel entitled to make such demands, as a stranger to them, is bizarre.

    Some perspective and reflection is needed her. If someone told you to cut your son out of your life you wouldn't do it, so I don't see why you'd expect someone else to.

    I get what you are saying but my grandparents are also being quite controlling about this process.

    For example, I told them that I wasn't all that much interested in my father but rather the other relatives but they said they would not be talking to him then etc. I had to jump through hoops in order for them to agree to talk to the other relatives. I don't understand why they would want to control this process so much.

    I haven't told them to cut anyone off. It's just how I feel.


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    #61
    chris525
    Closed Accounts Posts: 214 ✭✭chris525


    JeffKenna wrote: »
    I dunno, life is complicated and I doubt you know half the story of what happened. Most of the info your have seems to be coming from your mother and the stuff like your dad attending drug rebab is questionable as to whether it happened.
    You appear to be blinded by hate, believe it or not there's a high chance this man isn't a dirtbag and is a decent honest person.

    Someone who keeps a child a secret from his family and abandons a child cannot be a decent person.

    He didn't bother with me. I was the one often checking the post and the phone calls in the house. He knew where I lived and never bothered but he would call my mother between 11 pm and 2 am stoned and never asked about me once.

    I'm sure my mother wasn't 100% innocent in the situation but regardless of what she said he still didn't bother.


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