Is he committed? If yes, why still doesn't want to propose?

bjork · 08-12-2014 11:00pm

You say you don't want the title of "baby mama" yet you are taking no steps to prevent it. What are you going to do if you get pregnant and he doesn't want to marry you. Then you will a have the title of "Baby Mama" you are so desperate to avoid.

or do you think that by you being pregnant he will be forced in to marrying you? Because that's not how things work in reality

woodchuck · 08-12-2014 11:02pm

You only said he doesn't want you on the pill... should take it from that that you're NOT on the pill?! :eek: For the love of god, you KNOW you're going to end up pregnant sooner or later if you keep that up (unless there's something physically wrong with you both). You need to take control of the situation, NOW.

Does he love you? Everything you've written here is about what you do for him. I hope for your sake that it's reciprocated.

Yes... yes you really really do...

interracial84 · 08-12-2014 11:03pm

You right, that is why I say this need to stop, until we get to the common ground on the baby mama issue.
I mean the sex need to stop, until I can get him to tell me if he ever want to get married.

I need to sit down and ask him directly, if he ever think of marriage with me one day. I will be content if his answer is Yes.
NOT the answer "baby, I married you if YOU want" --- NOPEEE!! I won't take that!!
I want it to come out of his own heart, that he WILLINGLY WANTS to married me one day, out of his OWN WILLING!!

bee06 · 08-12-2014 11:03pm

OP, it's not about being assertive and demanding he marry you. It's about being honest about what you want for your life with him. No offence but I'm really surprised you are 29. You come across as much younger with what you've said on this thread.

woodchuck · 08-12-2014 11:04pm

You obviously don't want to have a baby out of wedlock. We all get that, and nobody questions that. But you need to stop having unprotected sex with him NOW until you resolve this issue with him!! It's not a matter of how long you have to wait to get a proposal/married. If you're having unprotected sex then it could already be too late (you could be pregnant right now!!). Every time you have unprotected sex you risk getting pregnant and being given the title 'baby momma' that you're so desperate to avoid.

For your own sake, do NOT have unprotected sex until you're married if you do not want to have a baby before you are married. It's really not that complicated...

interracial84 · 08-12-2014 11:06pm

woodchuck, bjork, you jumping the horse here.
I say that he does not want me to be on the pills. He have been pressing this baby issue for the past few months,
I was on the pills before, but then I got on and off.
But for the past few months, I was completely off due to he ask me to stop it.

So yes, I am stupid for always let him have things his ways. This also need to stop.

woodchuck · 08-12-2014 11:07pm

So you HAVE been having unprotected sex. I stand by everything I've said. Taking the pill 'on and off' is not the same as taking it consistently.

If you get pregnant out of wedlock, you'll only have yourself to blame if you haven't been taking proper precautions.

bjork · 08-12-2014 11:08pm

What were his reasons for stopping you from taking the pill?
Was it so you could get pregnant and have a baby?

You are only going out a year and he is pressing the baby issue for the last few months, how long in to the relationship did you come off the pill

maria34 · 08-12-2014 11:11pm

it sounds a bit weird to me as you are 30 but so naive. why you keep having unprotected sex with him? you dont want to be a baby mama tho!
second thing is - if you get married and have a baby, nobody guaranties you will stay together forever. so you will be a baby mama once you divorce?

it looks like you dont trust him and arent sure is he up for any good. you have to trust your man 100% to get married and count on him!

you posted here, so you are obviously worried about things. its like sixth sense women have. if you think something wrong is going on, stop unprotected sex!!! and if you still think you want to stay with him and marry, why not ask yourself. women and men are equal these days.

interracial84 · 08-12-2014 11:12pm

bee06,

I considered myself mature, due to I move out on my own since the age of 18, and I survive on my own, working with my own hands, and paying my own rent and bills.

Perhaps you miss my other thread where I ask for advice due to my abusive mother who belittle me, and mentally/verbally abuse me, as well as physically abuse me through my whole childhood. The domestic "child abuse" was big, I end up in 'foster home" for few years.

After I turn 18, I move oout of the house as fast as I can, obviously the damage my mother did to me was beyond repairable.
You try living on your own without a penny from your parents at the age of 18 to 30, and tell me what you think okay.

Regarding to dating, I don't have much experience. Due to my priority was not love, I was busy working full time to support myself.
I even dropped out of college in my 2nd year, because I couldn't struggle the hours of work full time and go school full time.

Back in my college years, I did have an ex-boyfriend, but it obviously wasn't serious since there was no sex involved. Afterward I did go out on few dates, and that as far as it get. Until I meet my current boyfriend when I move into this neighborhood.

So you calling me not mature is calling my dating experience, this I agree.
As for Financially independent, I been mature since the age of 18

woodchuck · 08-12-2014 11:12pm

If you don't want to have a baby out of wedlock, you need to stop having UNPROTECTED sex until you're actually married.

Glad to see you're coming around to some sense on this. But I still think you need to be clear that it's not about not having sex at all, just about not having unprotected sex. And that should be until you're actually married (from what you've said about not having a baby outside of wedlock), not just until he demonstrates his intent to marry.

interracial84 · 08-12-2014 11:15pm

calling me immature, try having an abusive mother who beats you in your childhood, and try moving out at the age of 18 survive on your own without a penny from your parents or anyone, then tell me how hard that is.

maria34, you right, it just my sixth sense been got me worried.
I do want a baby, that is why I been off the pills for the last few months, but now few months passed and he still haven't pop the marriage question, so I start to wonder if I make the right decission, perhaps it is not.

bjork · 08-12-2014 11:17pm

So you have been actively trying for a baby, even though you don't want the title of "baby mama" in the hope that he would propose in the meantime?

In the discussion you had with him when you came off the pill, did you bring up the topic of marriage with him? What was his answer then? If it was he wasn't ready yet, why did you come off the pill ?

bee06 · 08-12-2014 11:19pm

There are different types of maturity and to be honest your attitude to becoming a "baby mama" but still having unprotected sex because he told you to come off the pill is completely immature. If a 20 year old came on here saying these things I'd think they were immature.

You did a great job taking control of your life from an abusive parent when you were 18 and here you are giving up that hard earned control to a man and taking risks that may leave you in a position that you are 100% against. Take back control of your life before the worst happens!

interracial84 · 08-12-2014 11:20pm

pretty much I guess I do want a baby.
But I don't want to be know as the Asian girl not married and have a baby.
so I hope in would propose to me in the past few months, but still not happening yet, so now my only option left is to have a serious talk with him, on where we stand on this baby issue.

Obviously my culture is more 'traditional' than his. I am just having internal conflict right now with my emotions and my cultures.

bjork · 08-12-2014 11:23pm

Did you have a serious talk with him on the baby issue when you discussed coming off the pill. Was marriage mentioned during that conversation?

Big Bag of Chips · 08-12-2014 11:25pm

Are you hoping you will get pregnant and THEN he will propose?

Pretty big gamble you're taking there!

Have you told him you don't want a baby before you're married? A year is no length of time to be deciding to have a baby with a person you can't discuss the basics of life with.

You can divorce from a marriage... You can't get out of parenthood so easy.

interracial84 · 08-12-2014 11:27pm

You right bee06, I survive on my own more than a decade without help from anyone.
Everything I have is make out of my own hard work money, I haven't spend a penny of that abusive mother of mine the day I walk out of that hell house.

I guess deep down inside me I want a baby, you know what I mean?
I just don't want the 'baby Mama' tittle due to my culture think that is a shame, and I will get alot of slam about it in my commmunity and my parents will disown me. Which I said before, I don't care if they disown me, I have move out of their house since the age 18.
I don't need them for more than a decade, why I need them now.
And did I mentioend my racist mother attitude against my BF? She was so ignorant and very disrespectful to him.

They have never meet, yet just after she knows I date him, she immediately refused to accept him. Well I don't need her anyways, I come back home to visit my old father, not visiting her.
She is done, and out of my life, the day she beats me black and blue to bruises ober my arms, and red handmarks slap across my face, and I come to school with that. And the school call the police for "child abuse"

interracial84 · 08-12-2014 11:29pm

boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057339784

i was physically/mentally abuse by my mother, should I tell him?

onthis same forum section, just scroll down the threads

This was my thread about my mother, and asking if I should tell him about my abusive past. Only one comment on it, maybe I can get some more comments from you guys, thank you.

Big Bag of Chips · 08-12-2014 11:34pm

Mod Note: interracial84, having more than one thread open in the Personal Issues forum is not allowed. It is considered attention seeking. As you have opened this one, I will lock the other one.

I'd just like to say, your relationship with this man doesn't seen very established if you cannot discuss pregnancy, marriage or your past with him. I would recommend you start taking the contraceptive pill again.

interracial84 · 08-12-2014 11:35pm

But my thread are two different topic though, it not even related to each others.
I'm sorry, I didn't know the forum rules that only ALLOW ONE THREAD only?

Halloween Jack · 08-12-2014 11:36pm

Obvious windup thread....

interracial84 · 08-12-2014 11:42pm

We both have our own emotional gabbage.
I obviously build up walls inside me from my abusive childhood, and I am not letting him fully on the "emotional" level side. There things I cannot communicate with him, how about you TRY to have a childhood like me, then let see how comfortable of you to communicate.

His situation is complicated too. His dad passed away when he in his late teens, so his mom is the only immediate blood family member he have left. And she have health problem related to her kidney, so when it flares up, she must have someone around.

He tell me that he wants to move out of this ghetto neighborhood, but I told him No, Not Yet, because I want him to be close to his mother.
I told him keep saving money up to enough money to buy a house, then he can bring his mom together with us. We can't just leave her like that on her own, given she the only blood family member he got left.
Both of us are saving right now, as we still living here with cheap rent, it does help to save money each month, considered how expensive the rent is outside.

And yup, I was stupid to get off the pills. I guess inside me I one want a baby. BTW, there are many baby mama out there who still survive, single mom out there too and still survive. I am sure I will survive too.
But I really don't want this to be my case, this is why I need to have a serious talk with him.

bjork · 08-12-2014 11:46pm

Perhaps seek counselling as well to help you deal with your issues from your childhood

Ann84 · 08-12-2014 11:51pm

If you are saving to buy a house, why would you have a baby now?!?
That makes no sense!!!!

Considering your background and how hard you have worked, why would you go and have a child when your living somewhere you are not happy living and trying to help your boyfriend and his mom? And why would you just want to survive anyway?!!
I don't understand your perspective op, I am also 30 and understand wanting a baby but I also will wait until I can afford it.

And as a single mother I can tell you yes, you can survive but it is not easy and there are easier ways to do it, like waiting until you have bought a house and ideally in a secure long term relationship....

interracial84 · 08-12-2014 11:52pm

Yup bjork, that what I was thinking. THANK YOU!
If I can let go of my abusive mother childhood, then I can close down the walls inside me, and I can let him in emotionally.
Financially I am stable, but emotionally I am a mess.

It NOT that he doesn't want to communicate with me, it is ME that can't find myself open up to him.
Everyday he got back from work, I can see it his eyes how hard he trying to understand my emotions. He even said "Baby, talk to me", but then I couldn't find myself to talk to him about my emotions at all.

You be amaze but 1 year of us being committed together, yet I rarely, RARELY said 'I love you' to him. While he say it to me everyday, but I found myself hard to say it to him.
I am just so afraid that if I shut down these walls inside me, I will get emotionally hurts. And the walls are build up to protect my emotions, do you get what I'm saying?

interracial84 · 08-12-2014 11:54pm

Ann84, well alot of things don't make sense, just like there threads about: married couples out there who still cheats behind each others back.
Just like married woman yet still have affairs with online men.
Just like men out there who married yet still have affair with their co-workers.

Who say while saving up a house can't have a baby? There are women out there who never have a house of their own, yet still have many babies.

interracial84 · 08-12-2014 11:56pm

Thank you Ann84, this is my whole problem, that I am so compassionate for everyone, and I never think about myself. I always worried about other people needs and happy and I never think about my own.
I guess it call welcome to the world of "low self-esteem"

Idle Passerby · 08-12-2014 11:59pm

Considering your last post, could it be possible that both of you want a baby to try and bridge the gap in your communication?

Maybe take the baby issue off the table for the time being, it sounds like it is just clouding everything up. First of all try to work on your ability to communicate with him. It sounds like he wants to be there for you.

Learn how to discuss your worries and concerns with him and make it clear to him you do want a baby, but not without the marriage first.

Learning to communicate is the most important issue here. Without that a proposal or a baby would not work out well.

Ann84 · 09-12-2014 12:02am

Just because a lot of people do it, not all do it on purpose and not all are very happy about it.
I am suggesting you don't get pregnant until you are more stable in yourself, your living situation and your relationship...

What is the rush?!?!?
Why make life so hard?!?
You won't make him stay with you or marry you by getting pregnant and you may find yourself in fact very alone....

There is no hurry, if you guys are meant to be, wait until he proposes... Buy your house and then settle together and see how things go...

You are only 30, I cannot figure out why you are in such a rush...

Is he committed? If yes, why still doesn't want to propose?

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