How do you get over being unattractive/plain-looking?

cloud493 · 15-07-2015 11:39am

pickarooney wrote: »

Most of these replies are bollocks, to be honest. Very few people want to be with someone who is physically unattractive, no matter what their personality is like. It's highly unlikely that people are going to spend enough time on someone they are not physically attractive to realise that they have a good sense of humour and warm personality (and most often these people won't have this as they'll be social cripples, which is a vicious circle). Even then, how many people in the history of humanity have actually changed their mind about someone's attractiveness once they've got over the initial repulsion?

You just deal with it OP, like you would if you'd lost a leg and the dream of being a sprinter went up in smoke.

Oh I know. I was just mild curious to see how other people get on with it.

I mean if this was a hollywood movie, maybe the good looking girl would see the charm or intelligence or what have you. But it isn't, and they don't, and I'm ok with that.

stephenl15 · 15-07-2015 11:40am

pickarooney wrote: »

Most of these replies are bollocks, to be honest. Very few people want to be with someone who is physically unattractive, no matter what their personality is like. It's highly unlikely that people are going to spend enough time on someone they are not physically attractive to realise that they have a good sense of humour and warm personality (and most often these people won't have this as they'll be social cripples, which is a vicious circle). Even then, how many people in the history of humanity have actually changed their mind about someone's attractiveness once they've got over the initial repulsion?

You just deal with it OP, like you would if you'd lost a leg and the dream of being a sprinter went up in smoke.

I agree. I would maybe suggest to put a lot of effort over the course of a year or two to going to the gym, eating reasonably healthy and dressing well. That can go a long long way to improving your confidence and self worth and how you are perceived by the opposite sex

Samaris · 15-07-2015 11:41am

pickarooney wrote: »

Most of these replies are bollocks, to be honest. Very few people want to be with someone who is physically unattractive, no matter what their personality is like. It's highly unlikely that people are going to spend enough time on someone they are not physically attractive to realise that they have a good sense of humour and warm personality (and most often these people won't have this as they'll be social cripples, which is a vicious circle). Even then, how many people in the history of humanity have actually changed their mind about someone's attractiveness once they've got over the initial repulsion?

You just deal with it OP, like you would if you'd lost a leg and the dream of being a sprinter went up in smoke.

Fortunately, they're only bollocks to some. There are likely a lot of people that do think that way, but there are also many that don't. I have plenty of friends that aren't particularly physically attractive as well as a number who are.

And there's a case up above that mentions just that, about finding attractive points in someone they felt was plain once they realised that the person was good to be around.

redmicky · 15-07-2015 11:41am

"So, what first attracted you to the millionaire Paul Daniels?"
Make lots of money, no matter how ugly you are the women will be all over you.

dont bother · 15-07-2015 11:42am

eh.....

plastic surgery/botox/fillers and gym.

sorted.

who cares about personality. not many people do.

QuinDixie · 15-07-2015 11:42am

pickarooney wrote: »

Most of these replies are bollocks, to be honest. Very few people want to be with someone who is physically unattractive, no matter what their personality is like. It's highly unlikely that people are going to spend enough time on someone they are not physically attractive to realise that they have a good sense of humour and warm personality (and most often these people won't have this as they'll be social cripples, which is a vicious circle). Even then, how many people in the history of humanity have actually changed their mind about someone's attractiveness once they've got over the initial repulsion?

You just deal with it OP, like you would if you'd lost a leg and the dream of being a sprinter went up in smoke.

You have to be pleasing on the eye first before the humour and personality have any chance.
The only thing that trumps a physical attractiveness is money.

Milly33 · 15-07-2015 11:42am

Well yes you could of course do all these things.. Which is very true and it will make you feel better yourself anyway doing this stuff.

But don't be too harsh on yourself either.. You could even do a test go out there get some skinny jeans, stick them on, get your hair done like they say it should be... And bet once one person thinks your cool youll be flying it but keeping up with the typical is harder than it looks and id say rather painfull

anncoates · 15-07-2015 11:51am

The factors other than looks that constitute attractiveness are so multifold - like confidence, intelligence, personality and just basic subjective attraction - and are the things that stay intact as looks start fading.

I had/have two friends that would have been regarded as extremely good looking in the day and they never seemed to 'get' a markedly higher amount of women in proportion to their physical attractiveness.

While it's pointless to deny that some people will always be adjudged to be more attractive than others, the belief that you won't meet anybody on the basis of it is counterproductive and destructive.

the evasion_kid · 15-07-2015 11:59am

blue note wrote: »

I think that most guys are regarded as ugly or plain looking to be honest. I was discussing looks with a female friend of mine the other day and she was making the point that women are typically less shallow, because you'll very rarely see a good looking guy with an unattractive girl whereas you'll often see unattractive guys with good looking girls.

I agreed to a point, but asked which of my male friends are good looking (she'd know most of them). Out of a sample of about 20 or 30 guys a couple "weren't bad" or were "alright" looking. These were near the end of the list when she realised that she was answering no to every single one. Then with her friends or girls in general I'd find lots of them attractive. And I think that's true for most guys that they are far more likely to regard girls as attractive.

Now there are other factors - make up and clothes on girls do make a difference. And I think girls are just better looking anyway to be honest. But I think the opposite of "girls are less shallow" is probably true - girls are completely unrealistic in what's good looking and not.

So OP, I wouldn't worry about it if you're unattractive / plain-looking. We all are to women. But you're beautiful to me

A lot of women ain't all that without make up,fake tan,nails ,hair etc quite drab infact,really take a nosedive in their thirties too.

dont bother · 15-07-2015 12:00pm

OP - the real solution to your problem is SURGERY on the face, bit of a bulk up of the body in the gym (as you said you think you're lanky)...

the rest will fall into place.

usually you'd even get away with having a horrible ugly face if the body is good.

that's why most muscular gym-going men have disgusting faces - they work on the body to give themselves SOME chance.

Mr_Spaceman · 15-07-2015 12:00pm

anncoates wrote: »

I had/have two friends that would have been regarded as extremely good looking in the day and they never seemed to 'get' a markedly higher amount of women in proportion to their physical attractiveness.

On the flip side of this debate, I had a friend who would - by most people's standards - have been regarded as very, very good looking. Boy band looks, kinda thing. The full 'package'.

Yet, he had next to no confidence and subsequently had next to no success with women.

A lesson in there, somewhere, I think.

Wacker The Attacker · 15-07-2015 12:02pm

(1) grow a whopping shaft
(2) grow a whopping bank balance

that should cover most bases

Ush1 · 15-07-2015 12:03pm

Mr_Spaceman wrote: »

On the flip side of this debate, I had a friend who would - by most people's standards - have been regarded as very, very good looking. Boy band looks, kinda thing. The full 'package'.

Yet, he had next to no confidence and subsequently had next to no success with women.

A lesson in there, somewhere, I think.

The lesson is that boy band looks are attractive to pre pubescent girls, not actual women.

Cold War Kid · 15-07-2015 12:03pm

TerrorFirmer wrote: »

Being physically unattractive is much harder for women than men. We all frequently see men who drew the short straw in the genetic lottery with attractive women - the reverse is rarely seen by comparison.

So do whatever you can - get in shape, work on your confidence, and you won't have an issue unless you are literally a hunchback.

As a wise man once said...

I think it's more difficult for guys. At least we women have make-up. Well applied make-up can make an incredible difference.

suicide_circus · 15-07-2015 12:04pm

Have this playing in your earphones at full blast every morning when you leave the house

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B4oDcsaEvEE

Mesrine65 · 15-07-2015 12:05pm

I'm a proper fugly (fúcking ugly) :eek:

Scars on my face, long ZZ Top beard, missing teeth, heavy tattooing etc., but then I'm a biker, kind of goes with the perceived image.

Long story short, got some dental implants, shaved off the long hair (the beard is staying, look what happened to Samson) & started exercising regularly.

I look a little better than I did, but the confidence soared & I am now with my OH (who is a stunner & a beauty therapist, but obviously needs a white stick & a labrador :pac:) for the last decade after being single for nearly four decades on & off :cool:

Moral of the story...if a fugly like me can find the love of their life, despite all my aesthetic disadvantages, anyone can

Tar.Aldarion · 15-07-2015 12:06pm

pickarooney wrote: »

Most of these replies are bollocks, to be honest. Very few people want to be with someone who is physically unattractive, no matter what their personality is like. It's highly unlikely that people are going to spend enough time on someone they are not physically attractive to realise that they have a good sense of humour and warm personality (and most often these people won't have this as they'll be social cripples, which is a vicious circle). Even then, how many people in the history of humanity have actually changed their mind about someone's attractiveness once they've got over the initial repulsion?

You just deal with it OP, like you would if you'd lost a leg and the dream of being a sprinter went up in smoke.

You make the mistake that people can't come to find people physically attractive based on their personality, it's not that they are going out with somebody they are disgusted by.
That's quite common. It may rarely go from repulsion to adoration but really, what percentage of poeple are people "repulsed" by as opposed to just finding somebody plain looking.

If you look up the research men are far more looks focused than women, and even then looks is only one of the important criteria to men.

cloud493 · 15-07-2015 12:06pm

Not sure whats worse, being alone, or someone whose only with you cos of the money.

Mr_Spaceman · 15-07-2015 12:06pm

Ush1 wrote: »

The lesson is that boy band looks are attractive to pre pubescent girls, not actual women.

Okay, I was being a bit glib. He did have them but remained a very good looker into his late 30s. A real catch, in theory.

colossus-x · 15-07-2015 12:09pm

Speaking of ugly don't feel alone. Hate to use that word but was out visiting the folks yesterday and had to endure an episode of "Fair City". I've never seen such a shocking collection of ugly men. Wrinkles you'd think were accident gashes. Skin the texture of an old bicycle tyre. Pasty as something you'd find in the morgue. And that's with make-up on. Not - Fair city if you ask me.

Tar.Aldarion · 15-07-2015 12:09pm

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X7PAYhmoKkA

walkingshadow · 15-07-2015 12:13pm

I remember a fantastic piece of advice my mother gave me when I was young. She said "Michael, you won't ever be rejected by girls based on what you look like. You'll be rejected based on your abhorrent personality".

Rock 1234 · 15-07-2015 12:14pm

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, Life isn't fair, Now take a look at what gifts and talents you have and think how lucky you are to be alive,

We all know beautiful people who have bad health, or are suffering in one way or another,

Use what you have and go out and enjoy Life.

Good Luck.

anto9 · 15-07-2015 12:14pm

Being ugly doesnt matter if you have a big strong COCK .LOL (if all else fails you can have endless fun playing with yourself )

Menas · 15-07-2015 12:16pm

anto9 wrote: »

Being ugly doesnt matter if you have a big strong COCK .LOL (if all else fails you can have endless fun playing with yourself )

Bit of a bummer if you are female.

ardmacha · 15-07-2015 12:20pm

Wealth cures ugliness.

GLaDOS · 15-07-2015 12:21pm

Personality can definitely affect how you perceive physical attractiveness imo.

A plain girl who is bright and bubbly will start to look a lot better while a gorgeous girl who is a bitch will look less so.

miezekatze · 15-07-2015 12:28pm

Just focus on your qualities and the things you like about yourself. I know a lot of people these days are very shallow, but not everyone is. You shouldn't hate yourself like that because of the way you look.

Cold War Kid · 15-07-2015 12:30pm

Tar.Aldarion wrote: »

You make the mistake that people can't come to find people physically attractive based on their personality, it's not that they are going out with somebody they are disgusted by.
That's quite common. It may rarely go from repulsion to adoration but really, what percentage of poeple are people "repulsed" by as opposed to just finding somebody plain looking.

If you look up the research men are far more looks focused than women, and even then looks is only one of the important criteria to men.

Although there's the argument that a woman will pull more easily on a night out, but a drunken shag doesn't necessarily mean attraction.

Otherwise though, yeah I agree - "plain" is no issue for me when a guy has a great personality (sense of humour, intelligent, good to chat to).

Mr_Spaceman · 15-07-2015 12:39pm

Like most things in life - and, while it's easier said than done, admittedly - the less of a fcuk you give, the more accepting, content and happier you'll be.

mailforkev · 15-07-2015 12:48pm

Not that many people are actually ugly though really.

I'm sure most people who think they're fugly are actually fairly normal.
Being plain looking isn't an affliction. It's normal.

OP, you need (in no particular order):
1. Good grooming/hygiene,
2. Half decent haircut,
3. Stylish clothes and good shoes,
4. Get in decent physical shape,
5. A positive mental attitude, nobody wants to be with a miserable bastard.
6. Confidence (see 5.)

Also some people grow into themselves as they age. I'm deffo a sexier beast now in my mid 30s than I was in my early 20s.

SEPT 23 1989 · 15-07-2015 12:54pm

Nazi haircuts steroids and fluorescent white teeth seems to be the way

anto9 · 15-07-2015 12:56pm

There are far more Ugly people than handsome (especially in Ireland ) .I can think of many famous men who are Ugly but succeeded in being very successful in life .Just for an example ,Allen Sugar of UK tv ,with the Apprentice .
Its how you perceive yourself ,and having confidence that matters i think .

TheLastMohican · 15-07-2015 1:01pm

Seriously, have you tried alcohol?

OneOfThem · 15-07-2015 1:09pm

I'd have known far more people that would have sworn til they were blue in the face that they were unattractive, despite not being anything close to it, throughout my life, than people that actually were. So many things can effect you, even right down to the level of perception, when it comes to self assessment. It's not a reliable metric.

kfallon · 15-07-2015 1:16pm

I'm bollixed....just don't end up like me, kids, let that be a lesson to ye all!

Medusa22 · 15-07-2015 1:18pm

Ah I don't know, OP. I don't believe in ''soulmates'' or anything but I do think that there will be someone that suits you, looks and personality wise, no matter what you look like, even if you look like quasimodo. Ok, then the girl might look like a female version of quasimodo but if you love her and you find her attractive and she makes you laugh, then who cares?

I'm definitely no looker but I have gone out with people in the past and I have had people make comments about them, that they didn't think they were good looking enough for me or whatever, but obviously I didn't think that and that is not how I saw them and I didn't appreciate those comments being made.

No matter what you look like you can improve things, clothes, hairstyles and exercise can all help, and having a good sense of humour helps a lot too. If you aren't expecting to pull miss world then you'll be fine, I know of some men who often complain about being single and that girls don't want them and then I see them trying to pull the most attractive girl in a bar and I just think, well that's a bit out of your league in fairness, of course the girl might find him attractive, but setting your sights a bit lower is always a bit more realistic

NachoBusiness · 15-07-2015 1:37pm

People always speak about confidence as if it was easy to come by. Sure, a person can work on their confidence, but in general confidence is about belief and you can't make yourself believe what you know deep down just isn't true and so that advice is pretty much pointless. Confidence has to have foundation.
If a person has a life of never having had anyone negatively comment on how they look, has had tons of compliments growing up on how their physical aspects of their appearance, no shortage of attention from the opposite sex, or same sex.. then naturally they will have confidence in themselves. Such people might not even give the importance of looks a second thought. Sure why would they. You drive on smooth roads your whole life, you're hardly gonna be able to relate to someone whinging about potholes on theirs. Conversely: a person has has a childhood scattered with name calling based on their physical failings, zero attention from anyone that is remotely interested in them.. then naturally, confidence is not going to be all that great, no matter how much the person works on it.

Oddly enough, I have experienced both. I was quite good looking (as it goes) up until around 17 and had tons of attention from girls, ridiculously so and then, as a result of an illness, it went. So I can relate to both sides of the coin as I once would have not understood where people complaining about such things were coming from, and then I very much could relate. It was like someone flicking a switch and has very very little to do with how confident you feel as I was quite shy at 16 when I had that attention and didn't like myself much at all. Was on acne meds at the time, thought everyone must think I was horrendous, but yet got lots of girls gave me attention and even often had girls say they liked that that I was shy and would blush when they spoke to me. I still hear women say that about other guys in fact, that some guy is really handsome, but doesn't yet know it and how much they like that about them and so I think the whole confidence thing is overstated tbf.

I have no real advice though, why would I, but I think it's the same as any flaw a person might have really. No use pretending you're something you're not (as some of these confidence gurus might suggest) as that just comes across if someone is hiding something, putting on an act and even if you pulled doing that, it's bound not to last long as there is no chance anyone could sustain a facade for too long and so your only real choice is to make the most of yourself, strive to look your best, as the biker dude did above. The hand you've been dealt is the only one you can play at the end of the day and maybe there's some confidence to be found in that. As a great man once said, You've got to learn to live, with what you can't rise above'. You only have one life, no point spending it fretting over your failings, perceived or otherwise.

Another thing which made me take prescriptive on things, with lots of things really, not just this, was learning how to be grateful for what I do have. Have a friend that sufferers from Craniodiaphyseal dysplasia and people will actually drive slower when they see him just so they can look at him. Groups of kids will shout at him, adults with stop talking when he walks into a room, pretty much everywhere he goes people will stare. Makes me feel like an idiot for feeling self conscious about comparatively trivial reasons when I see the level of negative attention he pretty much takes in his stride. That's the same condition that Rocky Dennis had by the way, which the film Mask was based on. He died when he was 16. He wrote the following:

These things are good: ice cream and cake, a ride on a harley, seeing monkeys in the trees, the rain on my tongue, and the sun shining on my face.

These things are a drag: dust in my hair, holes in my shoes, no money in my pocket, and the sun shining on my face.

cloud493 · 15-07-2015 2:47pm

I'm pretty ok with everything, I've accepted I won't find someone to love me unless I suddenly come into a lot of money, and thats ok.

Not everyone gets to make it, and not everyone gets to have the happy ending from hollywood. Thats ok.

eternal · 15-07-2015 2:49pm

cloud493 wrote: »

I'm pretty ok with everything, I've accepted I won't find someone to love me unless I suddenly come into a lot of money, and thats ok.

Not everyone gets to make it, and not everyone gets to have the happy ending from hollywood. Thats ok.

You're probably totally exaggerating anyway. Most people don't have insight into how they look. Good looks aren't everything, it doesn't stop you getting sick or being leered at.

Conor Bourke · 15-07-2015 2:57pm

Don't get over 'em, get under 'em. I do love me an "interesting" looking man, so I do :cool:

eternal · 15-07-2015 3:01pm

I think you have confidence issues and you're using your looks as an excuse. Go out and exercise, take your mind off it, pull a drunk chick and enjoy yourself. Life's too short.

purplecow1977 · 15-07-2015 3:34pm

Cloud your looks are irrelevant here because we can't see you but your attitude stinks. It's sad that you're so down on yourself but I find it very depressing!

Id much rather spend time with someone interesting or funny or kind, if that's the way you behave all the time.

I think maybe you've convinced yourself it's because of how you look but it's actually because of your attitude.

Apologies if that's too harsh but I just want to shake you! But you seem ' content' that this is your lot in life which is pretty damn depressing.

Plryty · 15-07-2015 3:50pm

It's not exactly the best idea to listen to what women say in regards to generating attraction. Even the most average looking woman garners male attention & has diversity in choosing a male to have casual sex or relationships with, if she absolutely wanted to. Most men do not have this option.

A "dry spell" for a young woman is her not finding a man who meets her criteria on whatever specifics attract her, a dry spell for a man (we all go through it) is that he is having prolonged no luck even with women below his criteria. He registers as just another face in the crowd. 90% of women don't experience this (they can't advise you out of this rut), except for late 30s women looking to "re-sexualise" their image (see daytime tv).

The first thing you've to do is stop wallowing in self-pity. The second thing is to stop being a sit-around consumer & instead start being pro-active in areas of your life, become skilled in them. Confidence comes from knowing you can assert yourself in those areas of your life (think of the nerdy socially timid math kid we've all crossed paths with, who in class brims with confidence in their aptitude). It's why public speaking takes practice. There is countless male-orientated media for these topics of your interest & actively practicing these things go a long way in boosting confidence/attraction.

Ruu · 15-07-2015 3:52pm

I wear a nice scarf.

eternal · 15-07-2015 3:54pm

Plryty wrote: »

It's not exactly the best idea to listen to what women say in regards to generating attraction. Even the most average looking woman garners male attention & has diversity in choosing a male to have casual sex or relationships with, if she absolutely wanted to. Most men do not have this option.

A "dry spell" for a young woman is her not finding a man who meets her criteria on whatever specifics attract her, a dry spell for a man is that he is having prolonged no luck even with women below his criteria. He registers as just another face in the crowd. 90% of women don't experience this, except for late 30s women looking to "re-sexualise" their image (see daytime tv).

The first thing you've to do is stop wallowing in self-pity. The second thing is to stop being a sit-around consumer & instead start being pro-active in areas of your life, become skilled in them. Confidence comes from knowing you can assert yourself in those areas of your life. It's why public speaking takes practice. There is countless male-orientated media for these topics of your interest & actively practicing these things go a long way in boosting confidence/attraction.

That's not true, some women find it very hard to meet men in any way even the pretty ones.

joe swanson · 15-07-2015 4:13pm

Iv never had that problem before. Nature has made me amazingly good looking..

stephenl15 · 15-07-2015 4:15pm

eternal wrote: »

That's not true, some women find it very hard to meet men in any way even the pretty ones.

Yes it is true

Boom_Bap · 15-07-2015 4:18pm

Dont over-think it.

Paramite Pie · 15-07-2015 4:19pm

People who are confident, make eye contact, smile and who are social are generally always well received.

Ultimately I think confidence is the greatest act of all. I used to be very shy and introverted even though I wanted to be more outgoing. I had virtually no friends in school, only acquaintances. College had me lost in a sea of people. I felt that my online persona was much stronger and actually had a voice, something to say. I wanted to bring that into real life but I couldn't just suddenly walk into school one day all confident and start socialising could I? It's not like I was one of the lads or anything... People would see through it -- wouldn't they? They'd all be wondering what changed, asking questions, taking about me etc..

I found that everytime you meet new people, it's a clean slate to leave your insecurities behind. So I started being this real 'me' around new people. Those people believed I was confident in this persona and ultimately reinforced that confidence. For the first time in my life -- I finally felt like myself.

Now I'm a confident guy who makes friends easily, I'm more or less the same online as I am offline. By confident, I suppose I mean that I'm comfortable with my flaws but also am aware of my positive traits. I do experience Social Anxiety, and I do realise that the 'Emperor has no clothes' so to speak. What I mean is, I don't feel like i have to pretend to be anyone anymore -- I'm just me.

A few years back I ran into some of the lads from school in a pub and had a great 'aul chat with them. They were pleasantly surprised how I changed as a person and even commented on it.

Rather than shrivel up into my old self like I though I would, I actually felt validated.

How do you get over being unattractive/plain-looking?

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