What's the etiquette here??

JohnnyFlash · 11-04-2019 2:15pm

touts wrote: »

So let me get this clear. You want to fire him. The reason is the poor fecker comes in on his day off. You are skiving off on your phone in the toilet. He holds it as long as he physically can waiting for you to finish up on various boards threads before he can't hold it in any more and has to use the toilet to shock HORROR go to the toilet (rather than surf the net).

Best of luck in the work place relations hearing.

I'm not going to fire the lad. I cooled down over the weekend, and just brought him aside on Monday morning and had a word with him. I asked him had he needed to go so badly that he decided to enter the two cubicle facility at the same time as me - were the first two inches cold and touching cloth kind of urgent?

He said he needed to lay some cable for sure, but could have waited. Told him that might be ok in Lithuania, but here in Ireland the polite thing to do in a situation like that is to wait for your colleague to exit the dunny, before you decide to march into the cubicle beside them to 'snip some spine'.

He's a good lad, and took the advice without any backchat or lip. Won't happen again as I put a lock on the outside door so it can only be used by one person at a time.

John DoeReMi · 11-04-2019 2:18pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Believe that was true.... lad working in, Finance...I think, was waiting for a free trap at the 1030 evacuation, when in rolls an Executive Officer and claims ‘privelege’.

Lad says he blew out a load like a bolt of otters going off a riverbank, and left the pan like the Derby Co. goalmouth in the 1960s.

Fcuking whack of stale salmon and peanuts was vile the lad said.

Like a bears den after a winter hibernation.....fcuking rank.

I'm enjoying this thread enormously and am reluctant to spoil the party, but as a Civil Servant of 35 + years I do feel duty bound to mention that even the Irish Civil Service has never had such a rule.

partyguinness · 11-04-2019 2:19pm

Knex. wrote: »

It always seems to be the older fellas in work that ignite the brown brass band, an avalanche of farts, grunts, rumbles and groans to mix in with the turgid stench.

Is this the future? Are all men consigned to this fate, or is there a path to follow? A path of enlightenment, with green food choices and morning probiotics.

It's a beautiful thing to cocoon a **** out in 1 go, and hear the solitary splash like an Olympic Diver with a perfect score. At what age does the 6 get removed from your dice and this is no longer a possibility? Knowing you once had perfection, but here, yet again, age shall cripple your abilities.

It is indeed beautiful. There is also a sweet spot where you can let it simmer away and then go at the right time. Leave it too late and it turns to mush. Like cooking a souffle.

I am blessed like that most of the time- in and out in one go and clean as a whistle. I would put a F1 pit crew to the test. In and out of the jacks in 30 seconds and including a hand wash.

Nothing worse than half a job and you know you will be back later in the day.

Old lads probably do not have the best of diets.

partyguinness · 11-04-2019 2:21pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

I'm not going to fire the lad. I cooled down over the weekend, and just brought him aside on Monday morning and had a word with him. I asked him had he needed to go so badly that he decided to enter the two cubicle facility at the same time as me - were the first two inches cold and touching cloth kind of urgent?

He said he needed to lay some cable for sure, but could have waited. Told him that might be ok in Lithuania, but here in Ireland the polite thing to do in a situation like that is to wait for your colleague to exit the dunny, before you decide to march into the cubicle beside them to 'snip some spine'.

He's a good lad, and took the advice without any backchat or lip. Won't happen again as I put a lock on the outside door so it can only be used by one person at a time.

I cannot believe I have read this. All he did was use the toilet- if it is that much of a big deal then why do you have two cubicles...close one off...!!

EmmetSpiceland · 11-04-2019 2:26pm

partyguinness wrote: »

I cannot believe I have read this. All he did was use the toilet- if it is that much of a big deal then why do you have two cubicles...close one off...!!

I don’t think he should close one off but maybe, as the boss, he could be the only key holder, aside from the cleaner, and he could ensure no repeats of the definite breach of toilet etiquette.

JohnnyFlash · 11-04-2019 2:26pm

Knex. wrote: »

It always seems to be the older fellas in work that ignite the brown brass band, an avalanche of farts, grunts, rumbles and groans to mix in with the turgid stench.

Is this the future? Are all men consigned to this fate, or is there a path to follow? A path of enlightenment, with green food choices and morning probiotics.

It's a beautiful thing to cocoon a **** out in 1 go, and hear the solitary splash like an Olympic Diver with a perfect score. At what age does the 6 get removed from your dice and this is no longer a possibility? Knowing you once had perfection, but here, yet again, age shall cripple your abilities.

As fine a treatise on the subject of ageing as I've come across on this site. Instead of 'the older the fiddle, the sweeter the tune', it should be ' the older the shítter, the fouler the stench'.

partyguinness wrote: »

I cannot believe I have read this. All he did was use the toilet- if it is that much of a big deal then why do you have two cubicles...close one off...!!

That's what I've done. There's still two cubicles, but the lock is now on the outside so only one cubicle is in use at a time. It's a fair compromise.

Ray Bloody Purchase · 11-04-2019 2:31pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

That's what I've done. There's still two cubicles, but the lock is now on the outside so only one cubicle is in use at a time. It's a fair compromise.

Sounds like an equitable solution for all the stakeholders.

Hal3000 · 11-04-2019 2:38pm

I had a quite word with the cleaners in here yesterday. Basically I asked if they could flush the jax after they lace it with toilet duck. I was caught cold on a decent one last week and got the rivet burned off me from splash back.

partyguinness · 11-04-2019 2:39pm

I dunno lads maybe Ireland has changed since I moved away 10 years ago but lads have gone very precious indeed. Fair enough a nice relaxing dump without fear or favour is enshrined in law as an immutable right of all man. I get it. I really do. I have listened but hauling an employee in for taking dump next to you is just The Office or Alan Partridge territory.

I know talking at the urinal is a universal breach of etiquette that has by and large escaped Ireland. Lads striking up full blown conversations with their cocks in their hand.

Deebles McBeebles · 11-04-2019 2:42pm

What's the etiquette on unravelling the bog roll a bit, wiping your arse with it and then rolling it back up?

EmmetSpiceland · 11-04-2019 2:43pm

partyguinness wrote: »

I know talking at the urinal is a universal breach of etiquette that has by and large escaped Ireland. Lads striking up full blown conversations with their cocks in their hand.

At a urinal, a nod is all the conversation you need.

Hector Savage · 11-04-2019 2:46pm

I think JohnnyFlash is spoofing about talking to the lad...

JohnnyFlash · 11-04-2019 2:49pm

Deebles McBeebles wrote: »

What's the etiquette on unravelling the bog roll a bit, wiping your arse with it and then rolling it back up?

Why would you do that????

Jesus Christ.

EmmetSpiceland · 11-04-2019 2:51pm

Deebles McBeebles wrote: »

What's the etiquette on unravelling the bog roll a bit, wiping your arse with it and then rolling it back up?

Monster!

Deebles McBeebles · 11-04-2019 3:00pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Why would you do that????

Jesus Christ.

Well, if my boss had called me up over dropping the kids off at the pool in the next cubicle, it might be something I'd consider.

Deebles McBeebles · 11-04-2019 3:01pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

At a urinal, a nod is all the conversation you need.

Maybe a quick "nice cock, mate" but that's as far as it should go.

Knex* · 11-04-2019 3:04pm

I think the most galling part about Johnny's story is the fact there's just two of them working side by side. One gets up for a shit, the other need not follow. This is not a synchronised sport. Etiquette demands a sequential process.

Personally, I can feel his horror, and I'm ashamed that the good people of boards have been found lacking in empathy.

Ush1 · 11-04-2019 3:07pm

Deebles McBeebles wrote: »

What's the etiquette on unravelling the bog roll a bit, wiping your arse with it and then rolling it back up?

Ah here, have a word with yourself mate...

JohnnyFlash · 11-04-2019 3:09pm

Hector Savage wrote: »

I think JohnnyFlash is spoofing about talking to the lad...

This wasn't a formal meeting with HR or anything - don't run that sort of business. I just called him aside as he was finishing loading one of the vans. I asked him about his weekend and all that, before asking him did he remember what happened on Saturday morning. He didn't, but had noticed that I was acting a bit funny.

I just told him straight out that it's considered manners to wait in that scenario, just as its considered manners to leave a cubicle between each shítter if at all possible, don't wait outside the door for someone else to finish taking a shít; don't make small talk with someone in the next cubicle, don't roar out 'be gone with you oh Shít Demon of Dinners Past!" as you open the bomb doors, or don't top deck just because you are unhappy with the service in a pub or restaurant.

Basic stuff really.

Ray Bloody Purchase · 11-04-2019 3:11pm

Hal3000 wrote: »

I had a quite word with the cleaners in here yesterday. Basically I asked if they could flush the jax after they lace it with toilet duck. I was caught cold on a decent one last week and got the rivet burned off me from splash back.

My missus has a habit of putting bleach on the seat of the throne. I'd a rash on the back of my legs and arse cheeks after unsuspectingly sitting down to 'deposit the goods' one evening.

EmmetSpiceland · 11-04-2019 3:13pm

Deebles McBeebles wrote: »

Maybe a quick "nice cock, mate" but that's as far as it should go.

Only if it is, in fact, nice. I’m not throwing out laudations willy-nilly.

Ray Bloody Purchase · 11-04-2019 3:16pm

If it came down to it, i'd rather take a dump with a complete stranger than a work colleague. In the first instance i'd be less self conscious and secondly i'd rather not be the talk of the company if a colleague walked in whilst i'm white knuckle riding a massive Guinness sh1t out of me post weekend celebrations.

Deebles McBeebles · 11-04-2019 3:16pm

Ush1 wrote: »

Ah here, have a word with yourself mate...

I'm not getting positive responses here so I guess its....browned upon?

JohnnyFlash · 11-04-2019 3:26pm

Ray Bloody Purchase wrote: »

If it came down to it, i'd rather take a dump with a complete stranger than a work colleague. In the first instance i'd be less self conscious and secondly i'd rather not be the talk of the company if a colleague walked in whilst i'm white knuckle riding a massive Guinness sh1t out of me post weekend celebrations.

That’s the point I’m trying to make. I don’t really care if it’s a row of 8 cubicles in an airport - go in there and blow the guts out with gusto no problem. It’s when you know who the person is sitting 3 feet away from you - the silence, the grunts, the sound of the stool losing its fight against gravity and plopping into the water, the sigh, the sound of 4 foot of toilet roll being wrapped around a hand for a first pass movement.

Ray Bloody Purchase · 11-04-2019 3:31pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

That’s the point I’m trying to make. I don’t really care if it’s a row of 8 cubicles in an airport - go in there and blow the guts out with gusto no problem. It’s when you know who the person is sitting 3 feet away from you - the silence, the grunts, the sound of the stool losing its fight against gravity and plopping into the water, the sigh, the sound of 4 foot of toilet roll being wrapped around a hand for a first pass movement.

Absolutely. In todays hectic world, it's nice to take a timeout on the bog, unload a sleeve of sh1te and pause to reflect or meditate and check the betting on the golf.

Is it too much to ask for your personal space not to be invaded during these precious, fleeting moments???

partyguinness · 11-04-2019 3:35pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

This wasn't a formal meeting with HR or anything - don't run that sort of business. I just called him aside as he was finishing loading one of the vans. I asked him about his weekend and all that, before asking him did he remember what happened on Saturday morning. He didn't, but had noticed that I was acting a bit funny.

I just told him straight out that it's considered manners to wait in that scenario, just as its considered manners to leave a cubicle between each shítter if at all possible, don't wait outside the door for someone else to finish taking a shít; don't make small talk with someone in the next cubicle, don't roar out 'be gone with you oh Shít Demon of Dinners Past!" as you open the bomb doors, or don't top deck just because you are unhappy with the service in a pub or restaurant.

Basic stuff really.

Here, he is telling all his Lithuanian buddies what a complete weirdo his boss is. You will be the butt of their jokes for years to come.

Ray Bloody Purchase · 11-04-2019 3:42pm

partyguinness wrote: »

Here, he is telling all his Lithuanian buddies what a complete weirdo his boss is. You will be the butt of their jokes for years to come.

They'll think he's locking himself in there and fleecing the bollocks off himself.

And they'll probably be right.

TomasMacR · 11-04-2019 3:44pm

Knex. wrote: »

It's a beautiful thing to cocoon a **** out in 1 go, and hear the solitary splash like an Olympic Diver with a perfect score. At what age does the 6 get removed from your dice and this is no longer a possibility? Knowing you once had perfection, but here, yet again, age shall cripple your abilities.

You’re talking about a ‘ghostie’ there. Rare enough, have only experienced it 2 or 3 times max when I was eating healthily and off the sauce. Slips out of your hole with zero effort, disappears up the jacks pipe like a torpedo so you’ll never even see it and then jacks roll hasn’t a trace of shįte on it after the wipe. The ghostie is as rare as a set of hens teeth in my experience.

JohnnyFlash · 11-04-2019 3:46pm

partyguinness wrote: »

Here, he is telling all his Lithuanian buddies what a complete weirdo his boss is. You will be the butt of their jokes for years to come.

Don’t give a shîte, pal. I’m well on course to have my most profitable year ever, and they do all the manual work. They can say what they want.

partyguinness · 11-04-2019 3:48pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

That’s the point I’m trying to make. I don’t really care if it’s a row of 8 cubicles in an airport - go in there and blow the guts out with gusto no problem. It’s when you know who the person is sitting 3 feet away from you - the silence, the grunts, the sound of the stool losing its fight against gravity and plopping into the water, the sigh, the sound of 4 foot of toilet roll being wrapped around a hand for a first pass movement.

You're up there with Wilde and Yeats for elegance in prose..:D

partyguinness · 11-04-2019 3:51pm

TomasMacR wrote: »

You’re talking about a ‘ghostie’ there. Rare enough, have only experienced it 2 or 3 times max when I was eating healthily and off the sauce. Slips out of your hole with zero effort, disappears up the jacks pipe like a torpedo so you’ll never even see it and then jacks roll hasn’t a trace of shįte on it after the wipe. The ghostie is as rare as a set of hens teeth in my experience.

Jesus stop I cracking up here...:D:D

The frustrating thing about ghosties is that sometimes you know its a beauty and it's gone- no chance to marvel in its oblong perfect wonder.

Perhaps that's the point. It was indeed too beautiful to be seen. The unicorn of turds.

EmmetSpiceland · 11-04-2019 3:51pm

Ray Bloody Purchase wrote: »

Is it too much to ask for your personal space not to be invaded during these precious, fleeting moments???

I had the thoroughly uncomfortable experience of getting in sync with the office oddball. Even when I tried to alternate the timing but he’d still either be there or come in after I’d arrived.

He was a “middle stallwart”, no matter what that was the one he’d be in. Was a nightmare. Went on for the guts of two years too. Think he had some form of IBS or something. He’d grunt, mutter and belch loudly and constantly. Then you had the arse orchestra playing strains of slushy bebop jazz.

It actually transpired that we weren’t exactly on the same “cycle”, he was just in the bog all the time. His contract was not renewed.

EmmetSpiceland · 11-04-2019 3:54pm

TomasMacR wrote: »

You’re talking about a ‘ghostie’ there. Rare enough, have only experienced it 2 or 3 times max when I was eating healthily and off the sauce. Slips out of your hole with zero effort, disappears up the jacks pipe like a torpedo so you’ll never even see it and then jacks roll hasn’t a trace of shįte on it after the wipe. The ghostie is as rare as a set of hens teeth in my experience.

That’s known as a “magic” round these parts. I had one there the other week. Was a truly joyous experience as I wasn’t in the best facilities.

JohnnyFlash · 11-04-2019 3:58pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

That’s known as a “magic” round these parts. I had one there the other week. Was a truly joyous experience as I wasn’t in the best facilities.

Sounds like the type of turd you want to tell your whatsapp group about.

EmmetSpiceland · 11-04-2019 4:04pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Sounds like the type of turd you want to tell your whatsapp group about.

“The Shy Talks”, doubt very much any of them would be on here so they won’t see.

Brendan Bendar · 11-04-2019 4:15pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Only if it is, in fact, nice. I’m not throwing out laudations willy-nilly.

Was in a place in Myrtle Beach, kip of a bar, dunnies consisted of two urinals set close together with no barrier and a trap with the fcuking bottom of the door three feet above the floor.

Was having a good piss after playing Waterway Hills when in walks this gimp,wide as camper van, up to the adjoining bowl, pulls out a schlong like a fcuking lump hammer ,puts his hands behind his head,and proceeds to gush piss like a dray horse.

I could feel the fcuking spray coating my shorts and legs, fcuker must have left at least a half gallon in the bowl, then a big exaggerated shake of the knob,throwing huge droplets of piss all over me.. not a bother on the kernt, never washed the hands, and when I go out there he was with his mates dipping into a communal bowl of wings and fries.

Filthy kernt.

partyguinness · 11-04-2019 4:18pm

Reminds me of sharing a house on a J1 with 6 other lads.

Something about living in the US the food made us all have monster turds. I mean 9-10 inches at a time and in one solid piece. Work of art if truth be told.

Lads were fierce proud and on several occasions we were summoned to the toilets to marvel at the creation.

11-04-2019 5:04pm

partyguinness wrote: »

You're up there with Wilde and Yeats for elegance in prose..:D

Stuck up his own orifice perhaps, more an unsophisticated Bukowski.

JohnnyFlash · 11-04-2019 5:18pm

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Stuck up his own orifice perhaps, more an unsophisticated Bukowski.

You strike me as a very ‘bound up’ sort of individual. Might I suggest you get more fibre in your diet? And stop following me round from thread to thread like a beggar looking for spare change. Very unbecoming.

Pintman Paddy Losty · 11-04-2019 5:20pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

You strike me as a very ‘bound up’ sort of individual. Might I suggest you get more fibre in your diet? And stop following me round from thread to thread like a beggar looking for spare change. Very unbecoming.

An odd character Johnny. Pay him no heed.

11-04-2019 5:27pm

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

An odd character Johnny. Pay him no heed.

Struck a nerve in the duelling accounts department. Only two minutes apart, quality control is slipping somewhat.

JohnnyFlash · 11-04-2019 5:29pm

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

An odd character Johnny. Pay him no heed.

Feet up, cracked the head open on a can of lager, and watching the golf on the telly. Life ain’t bad, Paddy! Had an A1 shîte earlier as well, so in tip-top form.

Alpha_zero · 11-04-2019 5:39pm

Did he high splatter the bowl with specs of Faecal mater? You the particles that will not flush.

Brendan Bendar · 11-04-2019 6:22pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Feet up, cracked the head open on a can of lager, and watching the golf on the telly. Life ain’t bad, Paddy! Had an A1 shîte earlier as well, so in tip-top form.

Probably Excelsior or some other cheap piss, no wonder the sofa is stained and a whiff of stale drittle off it.

Probably had a table spoon of Liquid Parrafin to encourage that baton round out.

Seedy kernt.

TomasMacR · 11-04-2019 6:23pm

partyguinness wrote: »

Reminds me of sharing a house on a J1 with 6 other lads.

Something about living in the US the food made us all have monster turds. I mean 9-10 inches at a time and in one solid piece. Work of art if truth be told.

Lads were fierce proud and on several occasions we were summoned to the toilets to marvel at the creation.

This reminds of a business idea this rather large and disgusting Welsh lad I knew had, which he was deadly serious about. Remember the card game called Top Trumps? Well he wanted to genuinely make a card set called ‘Top Dumps’. Pictures of dumps competing with one another in various categories.He even had all the categories worked out; length, girth, potency etc. I spoke to him about it on more than one occasion and tried pointing out that looking at someone else’s sh*te isn’t what most people want to do and that it wasn’t like looking at a race car or a dinosaur but he seemed totally unfazed by it. Not sure if he ever tried to get it off the ground.

EmmetSpiceland · 11-04-2019 6:44pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Was in a place in Myrtle Beach, kip of a bar, dunnies consisted of two urinals set close together with no barrier and a trap with the fcuking bottom of the door three feet above the floor.

Was having a good piss after playing Waterway Hills when in walks this gimp,wide as camper van, up to the adjoining bowl, pulls out a schlong like a fcuking lump hammer ,puts his hands behind his head,and proceeds to gush piss like a dray horse.

I could feel the fcuking spray coating my shorts and legs, fcuker must have left at least a half gallon in the bowl, then a big exaggerated shake of the knob,throwing huge droplets of piss all over me.. not a bother on the kernt, never washed the hands, and when I go out there he was with his mates dipping into a communal bowl of wings and fries.

Filthy kernt.

I’ll tell you something, Brendan, it’s unsavoury behaviour alright but I’m loathe to condemn it outright as I was the “bad guy” in a situation close to that.

I’d been drinking pretty heavily in a pub called “The Pale”, it’s a hipster bar now from what I gather. Great pub at the time, a real “spit on the floor” place, even used to let you smoke in the lower part even after the smoking ban was in.

Anyway, there was a little person, a dwarf not a child, running around from table to table having “de craic” as they say. He had the terrible misfortune of sidling up beside me at the urinal, the galvanised sheet metal type. When the pressure was up the spray was too. This lad was just over hip height and took a considerable amount from head to toe. Didn’t seem to bother him one iota, not a jot.

Over to the sink, a quick wipe down with some paper towels and off he went back into the fray. Didn’t say a word, guess he was well used to it.

Brendan Bendar · 11-04-2019 7:27pm

TomasMacR wrote: »

This reminds of a business idea this rather large and disgusting Welsh lad I knew had, which he was deadly serious about. Remember the card game called Top Trumps? Well he wanted to genuinely make a card set called ‘Top Dumps’. Pictures of dumps competing with one another in various categories.He even had all the categories worked out; length, girth, potency etc. I spoke to him about it on more than one occasion and tried pointing out that looking at someone else’s sh*te isn’t what most people want to do and that it wasn’t like looking at a race car or a dinosaur but he seemed totally unfazed by it. Not sure if he ever tried to get it off the ground.

Tee.. just a thing a friend told me , there is a site which rates dumps out there.

I’m banned from it...........:eek:

No , not really but there’s plenty.

Gimme A Pound · 11-04-2019 7:57pm

You know those really big folks who need someone to wipe their bum - what in the name of god kinda poos would they be doing :eek: and how does the arse wiper feel about this role.

Hal3000 · 11-04-2019 8:03pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

This wasn't a formal meeting with HR or anything - don't run that sort of business. I just called him aside as he was finishing loading one of the vans. I asked him about his weekend and all that, before asking him did he remember what happened on Saturday morning. He didn't, but had noticed that I was acting a bit funny.

I just told him straight out that it's considered manners to wait in that scenario, just as its considered manners to leave a cubicle between each shítter if at all possible, don't wait outside the door for someone else to finish taking a shít; don't make small talk with someone in the next cubicle, don't roar out 'be gone with you oh Shít Demon of Dinners Past!" as you open the bomb doors, or don't top deck just because you are unhappy with the service in a pub or restaurant.

Basic stuff really.

Real leadership here. He can muzzle up and wait for more appropriate time in the future. You'll make a gentleman of him yet !

Roger Hassenforder · 11-04-2019 8:46pm

Deebles McBeebles wrote: »

What's the etiquette on unravelling the bog roll a bit, wiping your arse with it and then rolling it back up?

I'm in tears that someone could consider it as something someone would do. Gold.

Have to admit a little malevolence:

Row of traps, and you burst in to drop a deuce, you spot bum fodder hanging from the underneath of the metal drum, and you drop the keks open the penstock sure in the knowledge theres paper...

But what if a previous patron had used the last of the bogroll, bar three sheets... just enough to drape around the empty spool and hang down...
Single ply ideally.

Its actually a disciplinary matter now in the OPW, agreed with SIPTU and management after a Assistant Secretary General of the Dept. Public Expenduture was caught badly at a strategic policy meeting.

What's the etiquette here??

Comments