Unwarranted Hostility From Female Colleague

rjpf1980 · 01-06-2016 05:23PM #1

I work in a large organization with a number of branches which requires me to travel between each branch every day. I really enjoy my job which I am very competent and have received praise from my supervisors and have a very good relationship both professionally and personally with my peers.

Except for one female supervisor who absolutely hates my guts.

Whenever I am posted to her branch I am on the receiving end of coldness and hostility. I can understand a supervisor keeping subordinates at arms length and limiting communication to instructions but there is absolutely zero warmth a passive aggressive hostility and 2.5 years into my employment a hatred I believe. She does not respond to a friendly good morning or small talk as other supervisors do - the majority of whom are friendly warm and good humored.

The hostility does not manifest itself in open abuse but does manifest itself in hyper pettines and loading me with tasks she apparently considers tedious and worthy of a dogsbody. I happily do whatever work I am given and cheerfully ask her once I have completed my assignments if there is anything else I can do which I am amused drives her crazy.

She is obviously trying to provoke an outburst which I refuse to reward her with. However behind my cheerful front I wish her the worst. She is an absolutely horrible person. Probably the most excruciatingly person I have ever met.

I would love to unload at her but I need and love this job. How better can I deal with the nausea of even having to look at her? I have no other worries except for this horrible you know what irritating me no end.

Some kind and practical advice would be appreciated.

dobman88 · 01-06-2016 05:27PM

Sounds like you're handling it perfectly.

Spend as little time as possible at her work place and do the jobs she asks. Head down, and gtf out. Well done on keeping a cool head.

rjpf1980 · 01-06-2016 05:40PM

dobman88 wrote: »

Sounds like you're handling it perfectly.

Spend as little time as possible at her work place and do the jobs she asks. Head down, and gtf out. Well done on keeping a cool head.

I might ad that I socialize a lot and from what I have gathered I am convinced she is deeply unhappy in her life outside of work. She doesn't have a social media presence as far as I can see. When I take public transport home I see her on her own. She seems timid and insecure. However what pity I might have is evaporated due to her vindictiveness. I refuse to be risen but I would give anything to be able to verbally abuse her with no comebacks. I have only spoken to her when she gave me instructions. I feel like laughing into her face sometimes but I resist the temptation.

dobman88 · 01-06-2016 06:06PM

rjpf1980 wrote: »

I might ad that I socialize a lot and from what I have gathered I am convinced she is deeply unhappy in her life outside of work. She doesn't have a social media presence as far as I can see. When I take public transport home I see her on her own. She seems timid and insecure. However what pity I might have is evaporated due to her vindictiveness. I refuse to be risen but I would give anything to be able to verbally abuse her with no comebacks. I have only spoken to her when she gave me instructions. I feel like laughing into her face sometimes but I resist the temptation.

Your social lives are of zero importance. If it helps you to deal with her sh!t thinking she's unhappy, so be it. But just keep doing what you're doing. If she is jealous of you she will want a reaction. Don't give it to her.

bee06 · 01-06-2016 06:11PM

rjpf1980 wrote: »

I might ad that I socialize a lot and from what I have gathered I am convinced she is deeply unhappy in her life outside of work. She doesn't have a social media presence as far as I can see. When I take public transport home I see her on her own. She seems timid and insecure. However what pity I might have is evaporated due to her vindictiveness. I refuse to be risen but I would give anything to be able to verbally abuse her with no comebacks. I have only spoken to her when she gave me instructions. I feel like laughing into her face sometimes but I resist the temptation.

I'm not sure how a no "social media presence" and being alone on public transport equates to deeply unhappy?

Does she treat every one like she treats you or is she singling you out?

silverharp · 01-06-2016 06:22PM

OP , you are doing the right thing. One thing would be if possible is to get her to email her instructions to you so that you have a paper trail of requests and jobs done and keep them just in case.

Do you have a formal line manager that at least you can let off steam a bit with or do you have to deal with this group of supervisors?

rjpf1980 · 01-06-2016 06:34PM

silverharp wrote: »

OP , you are doing the right thing. One thing would be if possible is to get her to email her instructions to you so that you have a paper trail of requests and jobs done and keep them just in case.

Do you have a formal line manager that at least you can let off steam a bit with or do you have to deal with this group of supervisors?

The supervisors are all cliquey and if I got her to email instructions she would abuse that too and she really would be the bane of my life. If I make waves I would only making things worse? Thanks for the advice all the same.

rjpf1980 · 01-06-2016 06:39PM

bee06 wrote: »

I'm not sure how a no "social media presence" and being alone on public transport equates to deeply unhappy?

Does she treat every one like she treats you or is she singling you out?

Pretty sure just me. She's very pretty and younger than me. I'm a big guy into sport big time and extroverted. She probably finds me intimidating and I think she is used to having people crawl to her. For the most part her bitchiness is comical but occasionally I am taken back at how mind bogglingly vindictive she is. I've never encountered this kind of white hot hatred. I'm a bit freaked out and don't know what I did or said to warrant this crap. I like to laugh and joke and I like to go for pints from time to time with people at work.

rjpf1980 · 01-06-2016 06:43PM

dobman88 wrote: »

Your social lives are of zero importance. If it helps you to deal with her sh!t thinking she's unhappy, so be it. But just keep doing what you're doing. If she is jealous of you she will want a reaction. Don't give it to her.

I won't.

bee06 · 01-06-2016 06:58PM

rjpf1980 wrote: »

Pretty sure just me. She's very pretty and younger than me. I'm a big guy into sport big time and extroverted. She probably finds me intimidating and I think she is used to having people crawl to her. For the most part her bitchiness is comical but occasionally I am taken back at how mind bogglingly vindictive she is. I've never encountered this kind of white hot hatred. I'm a bit freaked out and don't know what I did or said to warrant this crap. I like to laugh and joke and I like to go for pints from time to time with people at work.

Can you give an example of her vindictiveness? I personally wouldn't consider giving you menial tasks and not saying good morning vindictive. You seem a bit hung up on the fact that she doesn't socialise as well. Great, you like to see your work colleagues socially but it's not a necessary part of a working life.

rjpf1980 · 01-06-2016 07:25PM

bee06 wrote: »

Can you give an example of her vindictiveness? I personally wouldn't consider giving you menial tasks and not saying good morning vindictive. You seem a bit hung up on the fact that she doesn't socialise as well. Great, you like to see your work colleagues socially but it's not a necessary part of a working life.

Any time she talks to me it is with undisguised hatred. She glares at me. I look her right back in the eye. I don't flinch around her and she doesn't like it when I stay cheerful. She an insane bitch.

LegacyUser · 01-06-2016 07:52PM

I know exactly how you feel. I work in an office with a woman who can't hide her utter contempt for me. I've no idea what I did to deserve the treatment from her but she has been subtly tormenting me for years. I'd rather not go into the details on the off-chance that someone from work reads this and identifies me or her. I've spoken to my manager about her and she has admitted she loathes me and lost all respect for me years ago. She has also promised to behave better. So she does - when he's around. When he's not, she's back to her bad old ways

I really don't know what to say to you - I'm not sure why I'm answering this really. I went to counselling but it didn't help much. It might be better for you if it's something you're prepared to try. The counsellor also kept asking me why am I letting her under my skin and why am I giving her space in my head. I've no answer to either question. I wish I did. I'm obviously too sensitive for my own good and I wish I wasn't. All I can suggest to you is to limit the time you spend with her and to keep a paper trail of emails. I'm sorry you feel this way. Like you, all I want to do is go to work and do my job and get on with everyone and go home. I hate that this horrible person upsets me in my everyday life.

bee06 · 01-06-2016 07:56PM

Well all you can do is continue to treat her professionally and not give her "ammunition" to use against you at some stage. Could you talk to your HR department?

baby and crumble · 02-06-2016 08:14AM

I started off feeling quite empathetic towards you, OP, because dealing with a difficult boss/ colleague is tough.

Your posts are getting really bitchy and vindictive themselves as they go on though. Get over it, maybe she doesn't like you. Not everyone has to. Not everyone likes their job. Maybe she's got crazy stuff happening in her personal life that means she's on edge in work. Maybe you're actually a terrible worker and that's why she's hard on you. We really only have your side of it.

pgj2015 · 02-06-2016 08:15AM

p

baby and crumble · 02-06-2016 08:17AM

pgj2015 wrote: »

. if she denies she is being hostile say look quit the **** mary, this crap stops now or you will regret it.

Yeah, threatening a superior ALWAYS goes down well in work. :rolleyes:

pgj2015 · 02-06-2016 08:17AM

baby and crumble wrote: »

I started off feeling quite empathetic towards you, OP, because dealing with a difficult boss/ colleague is tough.

Your posts are getting really bitchy and vindictive themselves as they go on though. Get over it, maybe she doesn't like you. Not everyone has to. Not everyone likes their job. Maybe she's got crazy stuff happening in her personal life that means she's on edge in work. Maybe you're actually a terrible worker and that's why she's hard on you. We really only have your side of it.

none of that is an excuse to be a bitch to a co worker, we all have problems, you leave them at home and get on with your work.

pgj2015 · 02-06-2016 08:18AM

baby and crumble wrote: »

Yeah, threatening a superior ALWAYS goes down well in work. :rolleyes:

it has every time i have seen it happen, which is a lot of times.

Pro Hoc Vice · 02-06-2016 08:20AM

rjpf1980 wrote: »

I work in a large organization with a number of branches which requires me to travel between each branch every day. I really enjoy my job which I am very competent and have received praise from my supervisors and have a very good relationship both professionally and personally with my peers.

Except for one female supervisor who absolutely hates my guts.

Whenever I am posted to her branch I am on the receiving end of coldness and hostility. I can understand a supervisor keeping subordinates at arms length and limiting communication to instructions but there is absolutely zero warmth a passive aggressive hostility and 2.5 years into my employment a hatred I believe. She does not respond to a friendly good morning or small talk as other supervisors do - the majority of whom are friendly warm and good humored.

The hostility does not manifest itself in open abuse but does manifest itself in hyper pettines and loading me with tasks she apparently considers tedious and worthy of a dogsbody. I happily do whatever work I am given and cheerfully ask her once I have completed my assignments if there is anything else I can do which I am amused drives her crazy.

She is obviously trying to provoke an outburst which I refuse to reward her with. However behind my cheerful front I wish her the worst. She is an absolutely horrible person. Probably the most excruciatingly person I have ever met.

I would love to unload at her but I need and love this job. How better can I deal with the nausea of even having to look at her? I have no other worries except for this horrible you know what irritating me no end.

Some kind and practical advice would be appreciated.

Sometimes people just don't like another person, stay professional and after that forget about her. Accept she does not like you and after that it will be ok.

baby and crumble · 02-06-2016 08:20AM

pgj2015 wrote: »

none of that is an excuse to be a bitch to a co worker, we all have problems, you leave them at home and get on with your work.

You can try, but I'd love to see someone whose kids are in hospital, whose Dad has cancer, whose husband has a drink problem "leave it all behind". It just doesn't work like that.

And tbh if he's a terrible worker (not saying you are, OP, I'm just saying we've only heard your side of it) then that IS a reason to dislike someone and be hard on them.

robbiezero · 02-06-2016 08:21AM

bee06 wrote: »

Well all you can do is continue to treat her professionally and not give her "ammunition" to use against you at some stage. Could you talk to your HR department?

About what?
She isn't on social media, takes public transport alone and glares at him - Might not be enough for them to do anything.

pgj2015 · 02-06-2016 08:22AM

baby and crumble wrote: »

You can try, but I'd love to see someone whose kids are in hospital, whose Dad has cancer, whose husband has a drink problem "leave it all behind". It just doesn't work like that.

And tbh if he's a terrible worker (not saying you are, OP, I'm just saying we've only heard your side of it) then that IS a reason to dislike someone and be hard on them.

its called being professional, also if someone is not good at their job, disliking them and being hard on them is a ridiculous way to resolve the problem, you either help them improve or let them go.

Pro Hoc Vice · 02-06-2016 08:23AM

robbiezero wrote: »

About what?
She isn't on social media, takes public transport alone and glares at him - Might not be enough for them to do anything.

She does sound like a bunny boiler.

Big Bag of Chips · 02-06-2016 08:38AM

rjpf1980 wrote: »

I like to laugh and joke and I like to go for pints from time to time with people at work.

Good for you! This girl doesn't. Doesn't make you right or better than her. She doesn't like you, for whatever real or perceived reason. You might be great craic, a brilliant worker, super competent and confident but she might just think you're cocky and hasn't warmed to your charms as others have.

So what!

I'd stop being overly friendly and enthusiastic around her. You're doing it just to annoy her, you admitted you are amused by the affect your cheeriness has on her. So just leave it. At the start of your thread I was 100% on your side and agreed that the way you were conducting yourself was the perfect reaction. But the more you post, the less nice you sound. Concluding that she's deeply unhappy in her life because she sits on the bus alone???? Look around you someday. I'd say 95+% of people going home from work on the bus are alone. I know I was for my 10 years of bus commuting. Funnily enough I had a husband and a few friends!

Just leave her alone. She doesn't like you. You don't like her. Keep your interactions with her to strictly work issues without over the top friendliness just to get a rise out of her. We all encounter people we don't like in life. Best thing to do is have as little to do with them as possible. (Like she seems to be trying to do with you) Just do your job in that branch and get out. Be buddy buddy with the ones who are interested in you. Leave her be.

LegacyUser · 02-06-2016 08:42AM

For the life of me I can't see what you're complaining about OP. If the tasks she gives you are part of your job description then she's dead right to give them to you and if they're not then pointing that out calmly and professionally is all it should take, then elevating the problem to management if that doesn't work.

Your description of your reactions to her suggest that you behave like that not because you're being calm and rational, but rather because you imagine she has some malice and you are reacting like that out of aggression, not professionalism.

She is a manager who has been promoted to a level of responsibility which suggests that she has abilities and is an asset to the company and she assigns you appropriate tasks when you're there. You, on the other hand, appear to be fixated on a superior to the point where you've attempted to invade her privacy by finding her social media presence and have a problem doing your job on the days when she's responsible for overseeing it. I don't think she's the problem here.

ManOfMystery · 02-06-2016 08:59AM

OP, I work in a very large PLC with many offices in different countries and deal with hundreds of different staff weekly. When I first started out many moons ago, I was a bit green and more of a people-pleaser than I am now; I found it difficult when someone wasn't friendly or didn't take to me, and then made more of a concerted effort to win them over. Didn't 'enjoy' hostility or any kind of negative undertones (who does???) in the workplace and if there was any, I'd find myself dwelling on it long into the evening when I should have been relaxing and not thinking about work.

With the benefit of age and slightly more wisdom - though still not much - I've learnt that not everyone in the workplace is going to be your friend. In fact, if you're getting on with pretty much everyone apart from this one individual, you're doing pretty well. You can choose your friends in your social circle, but you can't really choose who you work with, and sometimes we just have to accept that there are going to be personality clashes and hostility with certain people.

Don't be over-enthusiastic (that can be annoying) and don't be under-enthusiastic either - just do what's asked, and meet those requirements. That's all that is needed of you. There's a few people I deal with on a daily basis who I have little time for (and vice-versa) but we keep it professional, do what's required for work, and leave it at that. I certainly don't think about them after 5pm and my suggestion to you is the same. Keep doing what you're doing, let her behave how she wants, and then put her out of your mind.

bee06 · 02-06-2016 09:06AM

robbiezero wrote: »

About what?
She isn't on social media, takes public transport alone and glares at him - Might not be enough for them to do anything.

OP stated she speaks to him with undisguised hatred and "glares" at him, gives him menial work and treats him like a dogsbody. If he has such a problem with her he should discuss the issue with HR.

To be honest, I think it's more of a personality clash and the OP can't accept that not everyone in the world likes him but if he thinks it's more than that then he should try and resolve it.

02-06-2016 09:07AM

Just a personality clash OP, you can't expect to get on with everyone in a working environment, you don't like her, she doesn't like you, just keep your lip buttoned up and try to get on with it...

Sure the woman who works in my local chipper seems to hate me with every fibre of her being - she gives me the nastiest, evil stares and is so cold to me for no reason at all, yet she loves my partner and is most pleasant to her, I thought she just seemed to hate men but nope, she just seems to hate me...

I do what you seem to be doing with this woman in work - kill her with kindness...

Emme · 02-06-2016 09:11AM

rjpf1980 wrote: »

Pretty sure just me. She's very pretty and younger than me. I'm a big guy into sport big time and extroverted. She probably finds me intimidating and I think she is used to having people crawl to her. For the most part her bitchiness is comical but occasionally I am taken back at how mind bogglingly vindictive she is. I've never encountered this kind of white hot hatred. I'm a bit freaked out and don't know what I did or said to warrant this crap. I like to laugh and joke and I like to go for pints from time to time with people at work.

I don't see the significance of her age and her looks and your hobbies and personality unless you have a secret crush on her which is clearly unreciprocated.

Maybe she isn't on social media because somebody stalked her in the past and this could account for her guarded attitude. Travelling alone on public transport is no big deal. However her social media and means of getting to work are of no importance as you only interact with her on a professional level.

Not everybody you work with is going to like you. Just do your job and don't think about her outside of your professional interactions with you.

SB_Part2 · 02-06-2016 10:34AM

I think you fancy her. You've talked about her looks and how great your social life is and neither have anything to do with her being cold towards you in work.

daisybelle2008 · 02-06-2016 10:45AM

rjpf1980 wrote: »

Pretty sure just me. She's very pretty and younger than me. I'm a big guy into sport big time and extroverted. She probably finds me intimidating and I think she is used to having people crawl to her.

OK, this is an interesting perspective. Really? You think she is intimidated by your physique and personality and annoyed you are not crawling all over her? Do you think she secretly fancies you and is raging you are not making yourself available to her? Maybe you are on to something aside from the glaring a lot of your posts seems to be about yer social status and here her looks. Maybe there is a lot of sexual tension on both sides. It kind of has a rom-com fee to it, where the couple start out disliking each other and then end up together!
Seriously though, you can’t really seem to articulate the hostility beyond ‘glaring’ and workload. What feedback has she given on you to your Manager? You could request feedback; you might find she is perfectly happy with your work. Go to your manager and say that you think ‘X’ may not be happy with your work and you want to address it constructively, so can you get an objective feedback assessment, these are constructive appraisals of your working relationships. Depending on the feedback you put a plan in place to improve relationship. You could do a 360 type one, which you both give feedback. It has to be constructive and work related. So you can’t complain that she is not on Facebook and is probably intimidated by your sporty extrovert physique. You could say you feel she overloads you with work but be prepared to quantify that in a reasonable way.
So stop making it so personal, no need to complain to HR or 'call her out'. If you do want to have a word make it very constructive and say you have a feeling it could be improved and has she any suggestions. Definitely do not do what the poster said about threatening her to be nice ‘or she will regret it’. That’s insane and creates a lot of unnecessary trouble. As nobody else seems to have a problem with her you are not going to get a lot of sympathy from anyone for threatening her. Seriously if HR have a good record for her and with your articulation of the problem, you will find you are suddenly seen as the bully if you do that.

Unwarranted Hostility From Female Colleague

Comments