Row with in-laws

elvis83 · 22-03-2016 07:07PM #1

Hi,

My wife and I recently had a row with her parents. Not exactly sure how to handle it from here. Basically, what happened is this.

I was away recently, playing music for a few nights, meaning I was away from my wife and our 1 year old. This wasn't a problem, my wife was on-board with this, it was a few extra pound coming in for us. However, I received a text late one night from her father, saying I had let her and our baby down. This pretty much crushed me. I didn't know if my wife had been complaining about it behind my back or what.

I spoke to her the next day and she was livid. She hadn't said anything of the sort. Anyway, I ignored that initial text, because I figured it would be better to talk face to face (the text was sent late too, so I figured he'd had a few drinks).

Later that day (while I was still away), her mother visited my wife, and they had a bit of a row. She rang me in tears, I was disgusted that I wasn't there with her to help her out.

I got home. My wife and I visited her parents. I spoke to them, being very careful about not letting anger get the better of me. I said I was very hurt by what they had sent, it affected me deeply. They just said something along the lines of the truth hurts. They said everyone had been talking about me being away for the weekend. I said I didn't care what people said, and asked them should I turn down opportunities to make a few extra pound. To be fair, her dad conceded a little at that point, saying he didn't know that was the case.

Her mother though kept up. I get the feeling there was a lot of stuff pent-up that just came out at me. She said she felt "so sorry" for my wife and child that I was away. That I needed to grow up. That I was all me-me-me. This shocked me to the core. I've tried my hardest to be a good husband and father and to get this thrown at me was pretty shocking. My wife was equally shocked to the core.

We left dumb-founded at this stage. Both my wife and I are in bits about it. It was a good relationship (or so I thought) up until that point. Have they always thought so lowly about me? I pressed them on examples of what they meant, but all they could say was, "you know what we mean". This was frustrating and perplexing, which is why we left at that stage, before either of us said anything that would make matters worse.

The result was a sleepless night for both of us. I haven't been able to concentrate all day. My wife is in bits. I'm full of self-doubt; have I been selfish?

DukeOfTheSharp · 22-03-2016 07:34PM

So without context, your in-laws decided to crucify you for earning extra money for your family?

Look, you weren't selfish, you're doing what you can to provide for your family, it's not ideal but in this day and age, what is? You're doing the best you can with what you have. Your in-laws are tools. Now, having said that, I think both you and your wife need to get angry and stop being so timid. The both of you need to draw up some boundaries with them and tell them that commenting on your family life is off-limits, that if they don't have all the information, they need to stay quiet. Unfortunately there's no other way to do this, you've dealt with them in a reasonable way and they've kept coming after you, they don't seem to get that it's not their life. Either cut them loose or lay down boundaries, because there aren't many effective options remaining.

popa smurf · 22-03-2016 07:41PM

<SNIP> No need to quote entire OP

Its the worst insult a man can get, my own father said much the same to me one rare night out with my brother said I should go home to wife and kids, I was raging ,wouldn't mind if he was a good father him self, l would let father in law stew, you need a full apology here he was totally out of order and I don't know could I ever forgive that.

groovyg · 22-03-2016 07:50PM

Sounds like your in laws don't like you or have built up some anger towards you for no reason or maybe they just don't think you are good enough for their daughter. It could be thousands of reasons and you could have many sleepless nights worrying and wondering about what they meant.
Are you selfish for going away to earn some extra money? No you are not selfish. You're wife was on board with this so I don't see what it's got to do with her parents. You guys have your own family unit now so all decisions should be between you and your wife.

CaraMay · 22-03-2016 07:51PM

Gosh that's awful. Is this all based entirely on one weekend?

elvis83 · 22-03-2016 08:13PM

I've been away 3 times since our child was born, which was over a year ago. Once for playing music, once on a stag weekend with one of my mates, and once to a football game. I don't think it's been excessive? My wife has been away on her own in the same time, and we've both encouraged it - I love getting a weekend to myself with our daughter.

I rarely go out, not that I really care, I'm pretty much over that scene and prefer a night in now. I'm not much of a drinker, it's not like I'm away boozing every weekend or anything.

There is one other scene though that might have not helped. When my wife fell pregnant and we weren't telling anyone about it, her parents had a big row. Her dad has a bit of a rage problem. Anyway, her mum was getting onto her about all this and it was completely stressing her out. I lost the plot and confronted her dad, pretty much telling him he had a rage problem and that he'd want to get himself sorted. I probably crossed the line a bit there, but I couldn't hold it in. I think they've both been waiting for a chance to have a go at me since.

To make matters worse, I suffered a bout of depression a few years back. Everything had been going grand and feeling great, but now this situation has started the same old symptoms - the horrible feeling in the stomach, inability to concentrate, lack of appetite. I'm trying hard to hold it in, because my main focus is on my wife at the minute, she's really cut up with this situation, and she was such a help to me when I was down.

It's an absolute mess.

Rugbymad96 · 22-03-2016 08:19PM

<SNIP> no need to quote entire OP

U a better man than me for holding back.i work offshore so I'm away 2 weeks of every month,and myself and wife are trying for our first child too,if I had received a message like that while I was out at sea I would disown the in-laws....but then again I'm a stubborn fuvk lol

Electric Sheep · 22-03-2016 08:19PM

Do your in laws do a lot of childcare for you? I've seen this lead to a lot of pent up resentment.

Tigger99 · 22-03-2016 10:55PM

It's not an absolute mess. You and your wife are on the same page and you support each other. I'd suggest a cooling off period of a few weeks with your in-laws. Especially if you feel the depression creeping back in. You have to look after your own health.

discus · 22-03-2016 11:48PM

Why is this even an issue. Why are you letting anyone talk to you like that? You're a grown man - a father at that - and you are letting an elderly pair tell you how 'bad' you are? You don't have to answer to them. Tell them to get ****ed, if you and your wife are happy, and she is understanding of what you are doing, that's all that matters.

Alf Veedersane · 22-03-2016 11:53PM

OP, the important thing is that you and your wife are on the same page. You've both been away for a night or two with each other's blessing.

They may be her parents but they don't have a clue, evidently. You haven't been selfish and you give the impression of someone who cares about being a good father and husband.

It's not am easy situation to deal with bit knowing you have a clear conscience should be helping you sleep at night.

Time to put a bit of distance, both of you, between your family and them. Let them realise what they have done and maybe have some sleepless nights.

But they should 100% be apologising to both of you.

Grayditch · 23-03-2016 12:03AM

One thing I find about having a job playing live music, or Djing and such is that it's never taken seriously as a job by some people. Some people see it as an egotistical selfish hobby. I can imagine some mother in laws would see it as a danger to the relationship too.

It's an incredibly narrowminded view. It's almost saying that musicians should all be without families if you think about it. And this was one weekend?

I really don't know what you could say to people like that. In the past, people have had to leave the country for years, alone to provide for their family back home. Sometimes staying at home doesn't pay the bills.

Fair play to you for going out and earning.

elvis83 · 23-03-2016 12:19AM

Electric Sheep wrote: »

Do your in laws do a lot of childcare for you? I've seen this lead to a lot of pent up resentment.

They do. In fact, my wife had planned on using her mum tomorrow to look after the wee one. I'm not too keen on that, but I think it's our only option at the minute.

I can't imagine it causing resentment, but you could be right. I suggested perhaps looking at some other child-minder, but my wife thinks that's too far, that there would be no coming back from a row like that.

elvis83 · 23-03-2016 12:21AM

discus wrote: »

Why is this even an issue. Why are you letting anyone talk to you like that? You're a grown man - a father at that - and you are letting an elderly pair tell you how 'bad' you are? You don't have to answer to them. Tell them to get ****ed, if you and your wife are happy, and she is understanding of what you are doing, that's all that matters.

I would like to do that! Don't think my wife would be keen on that approach though. I generally hold my tongue for her sake.

CaraMay · 23-03-2016 12:24AM

elvis83 wrote: »

They do. In fact, my wife had planned on using her mum tomorrow to look after the wee one. I'm not too keen on that, but I think it's our only option at the minute.

I can't imagine it causing resentment, but you could be right. I suggested perhaps looking at some other child-minder, but my wife thinks that's too far, that there would be no coming back from a row like that.

Did she have them minding the child when you were away?

elvis83 · 23-03-2016 12:28AM

CaraMay wrote: »

Did she have them minding the child when you were away?

No, my wife was looking after her for the full weekend.

CaraMay · 23-03-2016 12:30AM

There's something weird going on. Would they have heard incorrect rumors about you cheating or something? It's the only thing that makes sense

Tigger99 · 23-03-2016 12:34AM

discus wrote: »

Why is this even an issue. Why are you letting anyone talk to you like that? You're a grown man - a father at that - and you are letting an elderly pair tell you how 'bad' you are? You don't have to answer to them. Tell them to get ****ed, if you and your wife are happy, and she is understanding of what you are doing, that's all that matters.

While it might be tempting to do that it'd only be short term satisfaction. Telling someone to get ****ed isn't exactly going to help any situation.

elvis83 · 23-03-2016 12:39AM

CaraMay wrote: »

There's something weird going on. Would they have heard incorrect rumors about you cheating or something? It's the only thing that makes sense

I don't think so. Like I said, I think they've been waiting for a chance to have a proper go at me since I stood up to my father-in-law, so any opportunity that came up, they were going to pounce on.

They have form for this; they've basically fallen out with both of my wife's siblings. Her brother can't stay in the same house as his father when he's at home, to try and avoid the inevitable row. I know it sounds like cowering away, but sometimes it's alot easier and less painful for all involved to try and avoid a situation than create one.

And like I've said, her father has a serious rage problem, which doesn't help. He picks fights with people, I've seen him do it to every one of his family members.

Electric Sheep · 23-03-2016 12:43AM

Tigger99 wrote: »

While it might be tempting to do that it'd only be short term satisfaction. Telling someone to get ****ed isn't exactly going to help any situation.

Especially if you depend on them for childcare.

retro:electro · 23-03-2016 01:01AM

He doesn't sound like the kind of person I'd want minding my kids, irrespective of this row. Can you sort alternative childcare? I would be disgusted too if I was you.

Electric Sheep · 23-03-2016 01:07AM

anna080 wrote: »

He doesn't sound like the kind of person I'd want minding my kids, irrespective of this row. Can you sort alternative childcare? I would be disgusted too if I was you.

I'd say it's a safe bet that it is not the FIL that is doing the childminding...But yes, I would not want my kid around a person with rage issues.

sadie1502 · 23-03-2016 01:13AM

But the FIL backed down. I'm unsure really as we are only hearing your side. Is there more going on? Strange reaction from them based on you being away for three weekends in over a year. I don't know. It's hard to give an honest opinion.

Electric Sheep · 23-03-2016 01:21AM

My gut feeling is that FIL perceives (rightly or wrongly) that MIL is being taken for granted/advantage of for childcare, and is lashing out because of that, or using it as the focus for his rage.

elvis83 · 23-03-2016 01:36AM

sadie1502 wrote: »

But the FIL backed down. I'm unsure really as we are only hearing your side. Is there more going on? Strange reaction from them based on you being away for three weekends in over a year. I don't know. It's hard to give an honest opinion.

I don't think I'm misrepresenting them. They thought that they were standing up for their daughter because they took it that she was annoyed about me going away. The truth is she was upset for a completely different reason, unrelated to me being away, and really not anyone's business but me and my wifes. I think they picked up on this, assumed she was upset because of me being away, and then lashed out in my direction.

Of course, everyone's going to have their own opinion. Maybe there's something else I've done over the past year that's annoyed them, but they didn't tell me what it was when I pushed them for it.

elvis83 · 23-03-2016 01:38AM

Electric Sheep wrote: »

My gut feeling is that FIL perceives (rightly or wrongly) that MIL is being taken for granted/advantage of for childcare, and is lashing out because of that, or using it as the focus for his rage.

Possibly. But I'm convinced it's to do with me getting involved with their row way back when. I was very very careful not to use the phrase "none of your business" when I spoke to them, because I had a feeling that would be thrown back at me. He still managed to get a dig in about it when I was leaving. It was as if he had been waiting for me to take the bait, and when I didn't, he just had to put it out there.

elvis83 · 23-03-2016 01:43AM

Thanks alot folks for all the messages, really good to air this out. My wife's sitting here beside me now looking through all the responses as well, and really appreciates the advice! Still undecided about how to handle it. My wife text her mum asking if she'd babysit tomorrow and she replied "I will if I'm allowed". That kind of childishness really irritates me. No sense of apology or regret over causing quite a bit of unhappiness and grief for her daughter and son-in-law.

Anyway, thanks alot, really appreciate it.

Electric Sheep · 23-03-2016 01:55AM

elvis83 wrote: »

Thanks alot folks for all the messages, really good to air this out. My wife's sitting here beside me now looking through all the responses as well, and really appreciates the advice! Still undecided about how to handle it. My wife text her mum asking if she'd babysit tomorrow and she replied "I will if I'm allowed". That kind of childishness really irritates me. No sense of apology or regret over causing quite a bit of unhappiness and grief for her daughter and son-in-law.

Anyway, thanks alot, really appreciate it.

I will if I'm allowed could also be taken as that FIL might try to prevent her as he is still in a snit.

CaraMay · 23-03-2016 08:27AM

Well it's now clear why they thought they needed to act - your wife was in bad humor and they thought it was about the weekend and also the fact that you got involved in their row. You didn't mention your wife was in bad humor and that would have explained a lot. That on top of granny providing a babysitting service is adding fuel to the fire. Definitely find another babysitter

elvis83 · 23-03-2016 08:47AM

CaraMay wrote: »

Well it's now clear why they thought they needed to act - your wife was in bad humor and they thought it was about the weekend and also the fact that you got involved in their row. You didn't mention your wife was in bad humor and that would have explained a lot. That on top of granny providing a babysitting service is adding fuel to the fire. Definitely find another babysitter

Fair enough, I should have mentioned that, there's alot to the story. And that does help explain their actions. However I still don't think it excuses their actions.

I got involved in their row purely because it was causing my pregnant wife alot of stress and crying. I don't think there's a man alive who would put up with that, regardless of any consequences.

In that situation, I knew for a fact that their actions were causing upset for my wife. In this situation, they had no idea what was causing my wife to be upset. The difference is me and my wife are a team and discuss things and work through things together. They simply went for the jugular.

Again, I take your point, this is all me telling the story and maybe they have some valid points to make against me. I'll hold my hand up, I'm far from perfect, but no-one is.

Thanks for your response, I really appreciate hearing the interpretation. It'll really help us when we need to get all of this sorted with them.

zoobizoo · 23-03-2016 10:24AM

Maybe the FIL sees the babysitting as taking advantage of your MIL.

I know my dad does when the grandkids are dropped in and my SIL drops them in before the arranged time and collects them late.

Makes no difference to my mother but my dad feels that she is being taken advantage of.. not to the point of making an issue out of it with my brother it but he mentioned it to me.

It just left him with a bad taste.

Row with in-laws

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