Row with in-laws

elvis83

Hi,

My wife and I recently had a row with her parents. Not exactly sure how to handle it from here. Basically, what happened is this.

I was away recently, playing music for a few nights, meaning I was away from my wife and our 1 year old. This wasn't a problem, my wife was on-board with this, it was a few extra pound coming in for us. However, I received a text late one night from her father, saying I had let her and our baby down. This pretty much crushed me. I didn't know if my wife had been complaining about it behind my back or what.

I spoke to her the next day and she was livid. She hadn't said anything of the sort. Anyway, I ignored that initial text, because I figured it would be better to talk face to face (the text was sent late too, so I figured he'd had a few drinks).

Later that day (while I was still away), her mother visited my wife, and they had a bit of a row. She rang me in tears, I was disgusted that I wasn't there with her to help her out.

I got home. My wife and I visited her parents. I spoke to them, being very careful about not letting anger get the better of me. I said I was very hurt by what they had sent, it affected me deeply. They just said something along the lines of the truth hurts. They said everyone had been talking about me being away for the weekend. I said I didn't care what people said, and asked them should I turn down opportunities to make a few extra pound. To be fair, her dad conceded a little at that point, saying he didn't know that was the case.

Her mother though kept up. I get the feeling there was a lot of stuff pent-up that just came out at me. She said she felt "so sorry" for my wife and child that I was away. That I needed to grow up. That I was all me-me-me. This shocked me to the core. I've tried my hardest to be a good husband and father and to get this thrown at me was pretty shocking. My wife was equally shocked to the core.

We left dumb-founded at this stage. Both my wife and I are in bits about it. It was a good relationship (or so I thought) up until that point. Have they always thought so lowly about me? I pressed them on examples of what they meant, but all they could say was, "you know what we mean". This was frustrating and perplexing, which is why we left at that stage, before either of us said anything that would make matters worse.

The result was a sleepless night for both of us. I haven't been able to concentrate all day. My wife is in bits. I'm full of self-doubt; have I been selfish?

DukeOfTheSharp

So without context, your in-laws decided to crucify you for earning extra money for your family?

Look, you weren't selfish, you're doing what you can to provide for your family, it's not ideal but in this day and age, what is? You're doing the best you can with what you have. Your in-laws are tools. Now, having said that, I think both you and your wife need to get angry and stop being so timid. The both of you need to draw up some boundaries with them and tell them that commenting on your family life is off-limits, that if they don't have all the information, they need to stay quiet. Unfortunately there's no other way to do this, you've dealt with them in a reasonable way and they've kept coming after you, they don't seem to get that it's not their life. Either cut them loose or lay down boundaries, because there aren't many effective options remaining.

popa smurf

<SNIP> No need to quote entire OP

Its the worst insult a man can get, my own father said much the same to me one rare night out with my brother said I should go home to wife and kids, I was raging ,wouldn't mind if he was a good father him self, l would let father in law stew, you need a full apology here he was totally out of order and I don't know could I ever forgive that.

groovyg

Sounds like your in laws don't like you or have built up some anger towards you for no reason or maybe they just don't think you are good enough for their daughter. It could be thousands of reasons and you could have many sleepless nights worrying and wondering about what they meant.
Are you selfish for going away to earn some extra money? No you are not selfish. You're wife was on board with this so I don't see what it's got to do with her parents. You guys have your own family unit now so all decisions should be between you and your wife.

CaraMay

Gosh that's awful. Is this all based entirely on one weekend?

elvis83

I've been away 3 times since our child was born, which was over a year ago. Once for playing music, once on a stag weekend with one of my mates, and once to a football game. I don't think it's been excessive? My wife has been away on her own in the same time, and we've both encouraged it - I love getting a weekend to myself with our daughter.

I rarely go out, not that I really care, I'm pretty much over that scene and prefer a night in now. I'm not much of a drinker, it's not like I'm away boozing every weekend or anything.

There is one other scene though that might have not helped. When my wife fell pregnant and we weren't telling anyone about it, her parents had a big row. Her dad has a bit of a rage problem. Anyway, her mum was getting onto her about all this and it was completely stressing her out. I lost the plot and confronted her dad, pretty much telling him he had a rage problem and that he'd want to get himself sorted. I probably crossed the line a bit there, but I couldn't hold it in. I think they've both been waiting for a chance to have a go at me since.

To make matters worse, I suffered a bout of depression a few years back. Everything had been going grand and feeling great, but now this situation has started the same old symptoms - the horrible feeling in the stomach, inability to concentrate, lack of appetite. I'm trying hard to hold it in, because my main focus is on my wife at the minute, she's really cut up with this situation, and she was such a help to me when I was down.

It's an absolute mess.

Rugbymad96

<SNIP> no need to quote entire OP

U a better man than me for holding back.i work offshore so I'm away 2 weeks of every month,and myself and wife are trying for our first child too,if I had received a message like that while I was out at sea I would disown the in-laws....but then again I'm a stubborn fuvk lol

Electric Sheep

Do your in laws do a lot of childcare for you? I've seen this lead to a lot of pent up resentment.

Tigger99

It's not an absolute mess. You and your wife are on the same page and you support each other. I'd suggest a cooling off period of a few weeks with your in-laws. Especially if you feel the depression creeping back in. You have to look after your own health.

discus

Why is this even an issue. Why are you letting anyone talk to you like that? You're a grown man - a father at that - and you are letting an elderly pair tell you how 'bad' you are? You don't have to answer to them. Tell them to get ****ed, if you and your wife are happy, and she is understanding of what you are doing, that's all that matters.

Alf Veedersane

OP, the important thing is that you and your wife are on the same page. You've both been away for a night or two with each other's blessing.

They may be her parents but they don't have a clue, evidently. You haven't been selfish and you give the impression of someone who cares about being a good father and husband.

It's not am easy situation to deal with bit knowing you have a clear conscience should be helping you sleep at night.

Time to put a bit of distance, both of you, between your family and them. Let them realise what they have done and maybe have some sleepless nights.

But they should 100% be apologising to both of you.

Grayditch

One thing I find about having a job playing live music, or Djing and such is that it's never taken seriously as a job by some people. Some people see it as an egotistical selfish hobby. I can imagine some mother in laws would see it as a danger to the relationship too.

It's an incredibly narrowminded view. It's almost saying that musicians should all be without families if you think about it. And this was one weekend?

I really don't know what you could say to people like that. In the past, people have had to leave the country for years, alone to provide for their family back home. Sometimes staying at home doesn't pay the bills.

Fair play to you for going out and earning.

elvis83

Electric Sheep wrote: »

Do your in laws do a lot of childcare for you? I've seen this lead to a lot of pent up resentment.

They do. In fact, my wife had planned on using her mum tomorrow to look after the wee one. I'm not too keen on that, but I think it's our only option at the minute.

I can't imagine it causing resentment, but you could be right. I suggested perhaps looking at some other child-minder, but my wife thinks that's too far, that there would be no coming back from a row like that.

elvis83

discus wrote: »

Why is this even an issue. Why are you letting anyone talk to you like that? You're a grown man - a father at that - and you are letting an elderly pair tell you how 'bad' you are? You don't have to answer to them. Tell them to get ****ed, if you and your wife are happy, and she is understanding of what you are doing, that's all that matters.

I would like to do that! Don't think my wife would be keen on that approach though. I generally hold my tongue for her sake.

CaraMay

elvis83 wrote: »

They do. In fact, my wife had planned on using her mum tomorrow to look after the wee one. I'm not too keen on that, but I think it's our only option at the minute.

I can't imagine it causing resentment, but you could be right. I suggested perhaps looking at some other child-minder, but my wife thinks that's too far, that there would be no coming back from a row like that.

Did she have them minding the child when you were away?

elvis83

CaraMay wrote: »

Did she have them minding the child when you were away?

No, my wife was looking after her for the full weekend.

CaraMay

There's something weird going on. Would they have heard incorrect rumors about you cheating or something? It's the only thing that makes sense

Tigger99

discus wrote: »

Why is this even an issue. Why are you letting anyone talk to you like that? You're a grown man - a father at that - and you are letting an elderly pair tell you how 'bad' you are? You don't have to answer to them. Tell them to get ****ed, if you and your wife are happy, and she is understanding of what you are doing, that's all that matters.

While it might be tempting to do that it'd only be short term satisfaction. Telling someone to get ****ed isn't exactly going to help any situation.

elvis83

CaraMay wrote: »

There's something weird going on. Would they have heard incorrect rumors about you cheating or something? It's the only thing that makes sense

I don't think so. Like I said, I think they've been waiting for a chance to have a proper go at me since I stood up to my father-in-law, so any opportunity that came up, they were going to pounce on.

They have form for this; they've basically fallen out with both of my wife's siblings. Her brother can't stay in the same house as his father when he's at home, to try and avoid the inevitable row. I know it sounds like cowering away, but sometimes it's alot easier and less painful for all involved to try and avoid a situation than create one.

And like I've said, her father has a serious rage problem, which doesn't help. He picks fights with people, I've seen him do it to every one of his family members.

Electric Sheep

Tigger99 wrote: »

While it might be tempting to do that it'd only be short term satisfaction. Telling someone to get ****ed isn't exactly going to help any situation.

Especially if you depend on them for childcare.

retro:electro

He doesn't sound like the kind of person I'd want minding my kids, irrespective of this row. Can you sort alternative childcare? I would be disgusted too if I was you.

Electric Sheep

anna080 wrote: »

He doesn't sound like the kind of person I'd want minding my kids, irrespective of this row. Can you sort alternative childcare? I would be disgusted too if I was you.

I'd say it's a safe bet that it is not the FIL that is doing the childminding...But yes, I would not want my kid around a person with rage issues.

sadie1502

But the FIL backed down. I'm unsure really as we are only hearing your side. Is there more going on? Strange reaction from them based on you being away for three weekends in over a year. I don't know. It's hard to give an honest opinion.

Electric Sheep

My gut feeling is that FIL perceives (rightly or wrongly) that MIL is being taken for granted/advantage of for childcare, and is lashing out because of that, or using it as the focus for his rage.

elvis83

sadie1502 wrote: »

But the FIL backed down. I'm unsure really as we are only hearing your side. Is there more going on? Strange reaction from them based on you being away for three weekends in over a year. I don't know. It's hard to give an honest opinion.

I don't think I'm misrepresenting them. They thought that they were standing up for their daughter because they took it that she was annoyed about me going away. The truth is she was upset for a completely different reason, unrelated to me being away, and really not anyone's business but me and my wifes. I think they picked up on this, assumed she was upset because of me being away, and then lashed out in my direction.

Of course, everyone's going to have their own opinion. Maybe there's something else I've done over the past year that's annoyed them, but they didn't tell me what it was when I pushed them for it.

elvis83

Electric Sheep wrote: »

My gut feeling is that FIL perceives (rightly or wrongly) that MIL is being taken for granted/advantage of for childcare, and is lashing out because of that, or using it as the focus for his rage.

Possibly. But I'm convinced it's to do with me getting involved with their row way back when. I was very very careful not to use the phrase "none of your business" when I spoke to them, because I had a feeling that would be thrown back at me. He still managed to get a dig in about it when I was leaving. It was as if he had been waiting for me to take the bait, and when I didn't, he just had to put it out there.

elvis83

Thanks alot folks for all the messages, really good to air this out. My wife's sitting here beside me now looking through all the responses as well, and really appreciates the advice! Still undecided about how to handle it. My wife text her mum asking if she'd babysit tomorrow and she replied "I will if I'm allowed". That kind of childishness really irritates me. No sense of apology or regret over causing quite a bit of unhappiness and grief for her daughter and son-in-law.

Anyway, thanks alot, really appreciate it.

Electric Sheep

elvis83 wrote: »

Thanks alot folks for all the messages, really good to air this out. My wife's sitting here beside me now looking through all the responses as well, and really appreciates the advice! Still undecided about how to handle it. My wife text her mum asking if she'd babysit tomorrow and she replied "I will if I'm allowed". That kind of childishness really irritates me. No sense of apology or regret over causing quite a bit of unhappiness and grief for her daughter and son-in-law.

Anyway, thanks alot, really appreciate it.

I will if I'm allowed could also be taken as that FIL might try to prevent her as he is still in a snit.

CaraMay

Well it's now clear why they thought they needed to act - your wife was in bad humor and they thought it was about the weekend and also the fact that you got involved in their row. You didn't mention your wife was in bad humor and that would have explained a lot. That on top of granny providing a babysitting service is adding fuel to the fire. Definitely find another babysitter

elvis83

CaraMay wrote: »

Well it's now clear why they thought they needed to act - your wife was in bad humor and they thought it was about the weekend and also the fact that you got involved in their row. You didn't mention your wife was in bad humor and that would have explained a lot. That on top of granny providing a babysitting service is adding fuel to the fire. Definitely find another babysitter

Fair enough, I should have mentioned that, there's alot to the story. And that does help explain their actions. However I still don't think it excuses their actions.

I got involved in their row purely because it was causing my pregnant wife alot of stress and crying. I don't think there's a man alive who would put up with that, regardless of any consequences.

In that situation, I knew for a fact that their actions were causing upset for my wife. In this situation, they had no idea what was causing my wife to be upset. The difference is me and my wife are a team and discuss things and work through things together. They simply went for the jugular.

Again, I take your point, this is all me telling the story and maybe they have some valid points to make against me. I'll hold my hand up, I'm far from perfect, but no-one is.

Thanks for your response, I really appreciate hearing the interpretation. It'll really help us when we need to get all of this sorted with them.

zoobizoo

Maybe the FIL sees the babysitting as taking advantage of your MIL.

I know my dad does when the grandkids are dropped in and my SIL drops them in before the arranged time and collects them late.

Makes no difference to my mother but my dad feels that she is being taken advantage of.. not to the point of making an issue out of it with my brother it but he mentioned it to me.

It just left him with a bad taste.

bur

Do ye ever do anything nice for the MIL for all the free childminding?

elvis83

bur wrote: »

Do ye ever do anything nice for the MIL for all the free childminding?

We take them out for meals occasionally. Maybe not enough though. I never thought of it as an issue, they both seemed happy enough with the situation, especially my MIL.

I'll take to my wife again about it. I know it sounds silly, but I'm afraid now that if we continue down this road, they might try and turn my daughter against me in years to come, and that chills me.

groovyg

Op the issue here is not your or your wife its them, your father in law has an anger management problem which impacts on your MIL which then impacts on your wife. You've already said that another sibling doesn't get on with the dad, avoids staying in the house as it will lead to rows, so its obvious your father in law is somebody who likes being the centre of attention, causing rows and getting his own way. You and your wife stood up to them and they didn't like it.
You and your wife both seem to have good relationship where decisions around your own family unit are agreed on and thats the most important thing here. What your in laws think of you is not important and if they don't like you or find fault with anything you do then you will never please them.

I think you both should look at alternative baby sitting arrangements, the one thing I would worry about is them giving off negative vibes about ye as couple to your daughter, you don't want them bad mouthing you and your wife in front of her. As long as you, your wife and daughter are happy thats all that matters don't waste any more mental energy on them.

LynnGrace

I agree about looking for alternative babysitters. I know you have said that your wife would prefer not to do this, but, it's not a good set-up, especially if the fil somehow believes it gives him the right to say stuff like he did, to you.

I'd say a bit of distance / cooling off would be a good idea. It sounds like they know a bit too much about your everyday lives - that's just my take on it. Hopefully you don't live very close to them, because that, in my opinion, does make it harder to, literally, create a bit of distance.
The fil does appear to have issues, and long term, it doesn't sound an ideal environment for your child(ren) to be exposed to.

Take care of yourself, seek out any help you need, especially if you feel the symptoms of depression returning.
Sounds like you and your wife are a strong unit, which is a big plus, especially in dealing with in-laws.

All the best.

valoren

elvis83 wrote: »

And like I've said, her father has a serious rage problem, which doesn't help. He picks fights with people, I've seen him do it to every one of his family members.

He seems to have a problem with you because you spoke out against him. And in his head that is verboten. You're not dancing to his tune essentially. It seems like the family members he has been picking fights with are placating this behavior. You quite rightly refused to be another yes man and this has caused him to resent it. The text was his opportunity to have a go at you, he saw his chance and sent the text.

The next time you speak with him just politely tell him to not send anymore texts of that nature to you. That your his son in law and anything he has to say to you, he can say it to your face. You said he recoiled at hearing the real reason you were away. He owes you a full apology.

elvis83

Thanks again folks for all your input. My wife dropped our daughter off with her mum earlier. I'm not happy about this. I feel like this is condoning and accepting what they've done. There was really no choice today though as she had an appointment that she had to make, and I was stuck at work. Still, I feel like it's implicitly saying it's acceptable to treat our family like that, and we'll keep coming back.

There's more complexity. Someone asked about where we are living. There's about 8 kilometres away from us. That's pretty close, but still far enough away to put distance between us, and limits the amount of time we need to see each other. The problem is, we are midway in the process of buying a house of them, which is pretty much on their doorstep. My heart is out of this now. I get the feeling it would be used against us for years to come. My wife has continually said it will be fine, because she loves the area (and I don't blame her, it's beautiful) and they gave us a good deal on it. But I can't shake the feeling that it will just be another stick to beat me with down the line. And then, of course, if we're trying to raise our daughter and they are interfering and commenting and god knows what other manipulation.

I wasn't joking when I said it was a mess.

Someone else mentioned about her brother not staying at home. This is pretty much because he stood up to his father as well. I've seen his dad pick at him and annoy him, just to get him started and try and rise a fight. He even had to move out for a while and move in with my wife and I while he got sorted with work away from home. Basically, it's the only reason he left.

I think my wife and I need to have a big talk, because I simply can't see this working out. I really don't like disappointing her, but our mental health, and our daughter's upbringing is ten times more important.

Thanks again folks, I've found it great to air this.

Tigger99

That's tricky about the house but if I were you I'd be grateful this had happened before you bought a house beside them. Especially if they are giving you a discount and you would feel indebted.

lawred2

discus wrote: »

Why is this even an issue. Why are you letting anyone talk to you like that? You're a grown man - a father at that - and you are letting an elderly pair tell you how 'bad' you are? You don't have to answer to them. Tell them to get ****ed, if you and your wife are happy, and she is understanding of what you are doing, that's all that matters.

They aren't an elderly pair. They are his wife's parents.

Of course what they say will affect him.

lawred2

elvis83 wrote: »

They do. In fact, my wife had planned on using her mum tomorrow to look after the wee one. I'm not too keen on that, but I think it's our only option at the minute.

I can't imagine it causing resentment, but you could be right. I suggested perhaps looking at some other child-minder, but my wife thinks that's too far, that there would be no coming back from a row like that.

Devils advocate here..

It can very much create resentment. Remember these people have done their child rearing. Or at least thought they had. Looking after your kids is not the same as a weekly grandparent's trip to see their grandkids.. it becomes a job. An expectation that they feel they can't refuse. It's possible that they feel it is taking from their time together. And then they see you off playing music for the weekend..

What do you guys do to recognize that they are providing childcare for you?

elvis83

valoren wrote: »

The next time you speak with him just politely tell him to not send anymore texts of that nature to you. That your his son in law and anything he has to say to you, he can say it to your face. You said he recoiled at hearing the real reason you were away. He owes you a full apology.

"Recoiled" is a bit strong. More like a very meek, "I didn't know that". I staild something like, why the hell would you know it, it was none of your business, all you did was jump to an assumption. Can't remember the exact words. I was angry, but controlled. Like I said, I took pains not go overboard, because that could have made matters worse.

elvis83

lawred2 wrote: »

Devils advocate here..

It can very much create resentment. Remember these people have done their child rearing. Or at least thought they had. Looking after your kids is not the same as a weekly grandparent's trip to see their grandkids.. it becomes a job. An expectation that they feel they can't refuse. It's possible that they feel it is taking from their time together. And then they see you off playing music for the weekend..

What do you guys do to recognize that they are providing childcare for you?

Like I said, we've taken them out for meals on occasion, but to be fair that's about it, so probably adds to the resentment. I wanted to pay initially, at least something, but they wouldn't have it. Maybe as time has gone on, it has become a problem.

I hadn't really considered it like that tbh.

lawred2

elvis83 wrote: »

Like I said, we've taken them out for meals on occasion, but to be fair that's about it, so probably adds to the resentment. I wanted to pay initially, at least something, but they wouldn't have it. Maybe as time has gone on, it has become a problem.

I hadn't really considered it like that tbh.

Sounds like you need to give them the chance again to explain themselves... if they have some genuine reasons for the upset them you can all work like adults together..

Remember your children will be all the better for having loving grandparents.

If they offer nothing of any value.. then maybe you'll just have to live with them being d!cks

elvis83

I honestly don't think it's because of the child-minding. When I faced them about this, that wasn't mentioned once. It was all aimed at me being selfish, and feeling sorry for my wife and child, real emotional manipulation. They even brought up my dead mother, saying she wouldn't be happy at my behaviour. Pretty low.

I'm sure that if the childminding was top of their list of complaints, it would have come out then. They've always loved having our girl down with them, it's their first grand-child, they pestered us for ages about having kids. My wife's mother willingly retired early because she was looking forward to doing child-care for us.

The reason my wife doesn't want to take that away from her mum is because it would crush her - if what people are suggesting her is correct (that she resents the child-minding) then her mum would welcome it. I can't see that to be honest.

That all being said, I'm not telepathic, so I can't be sure. It's something that I'll have to iron out with them.

Electric Sheep

I am closer in age to the in laws than the OP, and I know grandparents who thought they were fine with doing the chilcare, but then found it affecting their physical and mental health. They couldn't bring it up for fear of seeming not to love their cild and grandchild.

dellas1979

Now is the time to draw boundaries OP. Its out of control (which is where the anxiety may be coming from).

They are the in-laws but they are only people.

I would suggest your wife talks to them on their own first. Listen to them and put any concerns to bed. Not as their daughter, but as a grown woman, with a husband and a child.

I would then suggest talking to them yourself, on your own, with the attitude that all parties have in common the welfare of your wife and child.
Imagine your daughter is married to a guy in 20 years. And something like this happened between you and the guy. What would you expect him to do (as her parents).

Be the bigger people in this situation. Your father in law is well aware now he has an anger issue (you've already told him). Do not throw fuel on your own fire by keeping reminding (and psyching yourself out) yourself of this.

See it as leading them by example.

lawred2

elvis83 wrote: »

I honestly don't think it's because of the child-minding. When I faced them about this, that wasn't mentioned once. It was all aimed at me being selfish, and feeling sorry for my wife and child, real emotional manipulation. They even brought up my dead mother, saying she wouldn't be happy at my behaviour. Pretty low.

I'm sure that if the childminding was top of their list of complaints, it would have come out then. They've always loved having our girl down with them, it's their first grand-child, they pestered us for ages about having kids. My wife's mother willingly retired early because she was looking forward to doing child-care for us.

The reason my wife doesn't want to take that away from her mum is because it would crush her - if what people are suggesting her is correct (that she resents the child-minding) then her mum would welcome it. I can't see that to be honest.

That all being said, I'm not telepathic, so I can't be sure. It's something that I'll have to iron out with them.

I don't think it would be as easy for them to bring up as you think

Neyite

The thing with childcare is that you become indebted to them for it. This gives them perceived rights to involve themselves in your life, in the decisions you and your wife make for your family.

They have obviously got some 'opinion' of you, from somewhere. It's unfounded, and I think that part of the reason is that if your FIL is a controlling sort, then they will likely have strong ideas of what kind of man they wanted their daughter to settle down with. And its not a musician sort they had in mind - no offence to you whatsoever.

Then the dynamics change when you have a baby - in loads of little ways - when you become a parent yourself, you see what your parents did and didn't do through fresh eyes. The awesome stuff they did, the mistakes they made. Your relationship changes too, becoming your own brand new family does that, you have your own views on rearing the baby so in lots of little ways the best practice from the time your MIL reared a baby has changed. She may feel out of her depth with new-fangled practices us young parents do. We assume that our mothers deftly step in but sometimes childminding can make them realise how exhausting it actually is.

I know your wife is reading this, so I'll phrase this as nicely as I can: She is the gateway to resolving this. That means no more going over to theirs with a moody head on her that they can deliberately misinterpret to be caused by you. Being careful about what details of your lives that she gives them. It means being firm with both her parents and shutting down any criticism of her husband the moment that they attempt to give out about you. It doesn't have to be a big row, it should be her calmly responding that she is not interested in hearing their opinion of her husband - she loves you and you have her full support with your gigs. If they persist, she gets up and leaves. They will soon figure out that their opinions are unwanted.

Now the baby is a year old, and maybe a bit down the line once the dust has settled, it might be well worth mixing in a bit of creche part time. Spin it that toddlers need socialisation -they honestly thrive playing with other babies. I see the difference between my child and my neighbours who had hers minded alone. This gives MIL a break too.

I'm not sure that confrontation is a good thing. Things said get remembered forever. Far better to work towards withdrawing gradually from being indebted to them while keeping it all cordial.

Take some time to think about moving in next door. It's all very well for your wife to want to do that, she's their daughter so its far easier for her but she is putting you in a very difficult position wanting her parents so involved. So she needs to have a good think about her boundaries with her parents, and how they impact on her relationship, her husbands mental health, and if she really wants to potentially cause damage to her family this way. My partner finds my mum a bit of a chore. I obviously love her to bits, and she's not the kind to find fault with him, but I'd never suggest moving beside her (also a beautiful area) because this would be difficult for him. Likewise, when his mother begins to be critical of me, he also firmly puts her back in her box, to the extent that now she doesn't bother at all because she now knows it falls on deaf ears. He's established the boundaries and now we get on fairly well. And we continue to make decisions as a family that the inlaws would disapprove of I'm sure, but we've gotten gradually to the point where they know to keep their opinion to themselves and we know what details to share with them.

jimmycrackcorm

elvis83 wrote:

They do. In fact, my wife had planned on using her mum tomorrow to look after the wee one. I'm not too keen on that, but I think it's our only option at the minute.

I think this has a lot to do with your problem. They feel they have a right to interfere in your marriage because of thus dependency. Source alternative childcare and keep them at bay or forever have to put up with interference.

Electric Sheep

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

I think this has a lot to do with your problem. They feel they have a right to interfere in your marriage because of thus dependency. Source alternative childcare and keep them at bay or forever have to put up with interference.

And this conviction that you owe them will only get worse if you buy that house from them at a discounted price.

Toots

Electric Sheep wrote: »

And this conviction that you owe them will only get worse if you buy that house from them at a discounted price.

+1000, god if there's already bad blood between you and your father in law then moving even closer to them, especially into that house, sounds like a recipe for disaster. You definitely need to speak to your wife about this ASAP. If you move into the house and end up at the end of your rope, you could find it very difficult to move out again both for financial reasons, and also because they'd probably take it as a personal insult that you're moving out of 'their' house.